Life: Found

This is it.

Tomorrow I'm getting married. I have started getting butterflies in my stomach since yesterday.

As you might realise, a wedding was the whole purpose of my story "In Search of a Life". After several years of wanting, desiring, craving the "happily ever after", I'm about to get it. I always knew that I would keep the blog until I found love and excitement because that's the 'life' I was searching for.

I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get it. Sometimes I expected to be blogging about boring single life in my nineties (if I ever lived that long because we all know statistics say that single people don't live as long as married ones).

When I first started blogging, I was a university student preparing for adult life. I lived with my parents and brother, I hung out with a group of close girlfriends from high school. I worked casual jobs. I dreamed of an exciting career in film/television.

Most of all, I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone in my single misery.

Now I have a permanent full-time job as a designer with great hours and handy location. It is definitely not as exciting as the movies but at least I gave the movie biz a shot and realised that it wasn't practical for me. I have my own home, something I never dreamed of to have at my age. I have overcome the "dancing curse" and have discovered a new joy in Latin dancing. I have kept the same friends and even found a couple of new ones.

Of course, the biggest and most important part is that I have found my RG and I have no doubt of his love for me. He's the one who brings my life the most happiness.

Now I want to tell those people who are searching for something more that it is possible. And not just for everybody else, but for you. Yes, you.

So as my blog was supposed to encourage me to go out and find the Right Guy, which it didn't, I have found him anyway (or he has found me, as he likes to think). He has a name, an active mind, a kind heart and now he has me. My search for a life (and everything I always wanted life to be) has been successful.

In case you're wondering, this not an ending. This is another beginning.

Hen's Night

This time next week I will be getting ready to cross over to the other side. The married side, that is.

Last week has been so busy I didn't get a chance to blog about my Hen's night. I have to leave in 30 minutes so I'll quickly do it now.

It was almost everything I wanted my Hen's night to be. By 'almost' I mean that there was something missing. I'm not sure what. I had such a great time anyway. All my close friends came. There were 12 of us altogether. We were really dressed up for our theme and the photos turned out great.

We ate, talked, danced and even saw a couple of strippers that were organised for the other hen's/buck's night at the same place. I found the whole thing quite disgusting because I couldn't stop thinking what these people's partners would think. But hey, they probably got their own.

I must've been really naive but I thought a stripper just does a dance while taking his/her clothes off. The male strippers were actually touching the women and almost simulating sex. It was gross. The guy from the buck's night got two girl strippers who touched not only him but each other and got completely naked at the end.

When I told David about it, he got annoyed at me for going to that place. How was I supposed to know people from the other groups would get them! Not like I intentionally organised it!

Nadine said that she would only marry Dean if she could have the hot fireman stripper for her hen's night. She also divulged too much information when she said that girls can kiss better than guys and not to diss it till you try it. She also completely freaked out my conservative uni friends.

My other school friend, Beth got up on stage in front of everybody to dance the macarena. All other peope at the place followed her. The guys from the buck's night thought she was the one getting married. She and Nadine got chatted up by 50 year olds from the buck's night. It was really disgusting. When they tried to make conversation with me - "Come on, dance with me!" I ignored them completely.

April looked absolutely beautiful with Amelia's makeup. I seriously considered asking Amelia to do my wedding day makeup. I guess it helps to have amazing skin. She also had her hair done in beautiful waves, the way she will for my wedding.

Everyone commented how I lost a lot of weight which was emphasised by my tight dress. It felt so good to be able to wear it and not worry about any uneven bits coming through. I love the dance class I went to. I wish I could keep going so I could keep my current shape.

I can't believe my hen's night is in the past now, after looking forward to it for so long. Now I'm looking forward to the wedding!

Wedding Jitters

Two weeks till I get married. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The countdown has begun.

I feel so stressed. I'm not even sure exactly why. Most things are coming together but I just wish everything could be done already so I don't have to think about it. Unfortunately that's impossible.

David is so relaxed which is amazing. He's the one who has exams, not me. He said stress doesn't achieve anything and of course I know that! One thing is knowing something and totally another to be able to do it.

Tomorrow is our ceremony rehearsal and I should get to sleep but I feel so restless. Thoughts just won't stop running through my head.

Am I making the right decision? Will I be happy? How can I be certain of anything?

I want to hear over and over again David explaining in detail, illustrating with examples why I will be happy with him. Only in my dreams.

Tonight he was reading jokes from some book to cheer me up and they were all really dumb which only annoyed me.

I'm so touchy these days. I told his Mum she won't be getting a place card as she will be sitting at the main table and she said, "That's discrimination! I want a place card". She was obviously only joking but I wanted to scream, "If you want a place card, make it yourself and sit with the other guests!" Did she even know how time consuming it was to make those cards?!

This is how bad I'm getting.

I'm starting to not even enjoy this process anymore. I should be having fun and being extremely happy but I'm too busy being worried.

I really want to relax a bit before the wedding but I guess any relaxation will have to be postponed to the honeymoon.

David said his perfect wedding would be to go from the ceremony straight to the honeymoon and skip the whole reception bit. Never thought I would say this, but that option is looking very appealing.

I'm also having the hen's night this weekend which doesn't even sink in. It seems like my friends are more excited about it than me. Hope the weather holds up for my outfit. I expected it to be very warm when I got my little dress. Now I might have to wear it with boots but that might make me look too slutty. April said you're supposed to dress slutty to a hen's night. When I showed David the dress, he looked very confused about how it should go on which made me laugh. He's so innocent sometimes.

Too bad my dance classes finished. I lost 3kg doing them which is a lot for me. I can actually fit into size 8 now. I hope I don't put the weight back on in the next week.

I might also mention that I found another makeup artist who will be doing my makeup on the wedding day. It was by luck but the trial went much better than the first one (where I freaked out so much when I saw myself in the mirror that I literally jumped). The second one at least kept my feature the same shape (which I strongly specified). The whole 'professional makeup' experience made me realise that I'm quite capable of doing my own makeup. Also, David kept saying that I didn't need makeup because I had natural beauty which cheered me up enormously. He's so sweet.

And for the biggest news, my grandma and aunty are coming from POB next Monday!!! I'm happy beyond words that they will be at my wedding.

Now, after this long post, I'm actually feeling a lot more relaxed. I forgot about the therapeutic benefits of blogging.

Breaking News

I was listening to a morning show on the radio when I heard "We have to stop the show for some breaking news that has just come in."

My ears perked up and my heart started beating faster. Was there a huge mass attack somewhere? Did a famous person die, been murdered? Was the world coming to an end?

No, a Melbourne Cup horse wasn't in the race anymore. Woah, that's the sort of news that stops a show? I couldn't believe my ears. Gotta love Australia.

The Lost Key

At work I was given a key to my office (shared by three other people). As this office is very easy for outsiders to come into, we have to lock it every time no one is in the room. Therefore I have to carry this key with me at all times.

Every time I go to the bathroom I always worry that I will forget it there. Every time I go to the kitchen to heat up my lunch, I'm paranoid I will lose the key. (I don't always have pockets so mostly it's in my hand).

Yesterday, it happened. I lost it. I realised this at lunch time when I was going to go to the kitchen. I knew the only place I've been to that morning was the bathroom so I ran there. The key was nowhere to be seen. I started to panic. Someone must've taken it. Unless I took it back to the office and put it down somewhere and someone picked it up.

I wasn't actually too worried about it because I thought I would just make a copy of my colleague's key. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. Since it was a security key and a 'company asset', I had to fill out a form, explaining the circumstances. I avoided writing that I could've left it in he bathroom.

I'm hoping I can sort this out without my manager finding out as today was her first day back from holidays (first time I saw her since the interview as she left before I started). What a great first impression that would make.

When I recounted David my story, hoping for sympathy, he said, "You should be more careful with things like that". I was so mad. When he lost the phone, I said, "These things happen". After brewing it till late, I called and told him how that wasn't a nice thing to say. He laughed and said, "Don't worry, these things happen," which made me feel better.

Bridezilla Alert

Oh my God. I'm starting to morph into a bridezilla. I promised myself I never would. A wedding is not about a wedding, it's about getting married. I never expected to become one because I'm not like that. I really surprised myself.

I think the expectation to have the best day of your life (or whatever) is so high that I want to make sure that everything is set up for it to happen. And it's only once! If it's wrecked, you can never get it back.

See, that thought of thinking is very detrimental to any sort of good time.

Thank you to a reader who kindly reminded me what would make the day happy. It's about finding the person you want to share your life with and not about your hair, makeup etc. Deep down I knew it all along but when you get into all the details (and they are endless) of planning a wedding, it's easy to forget your reason for having it in the first place.

Trials

I was supposed to have my hair and makeup trial today. Felt more like my sanity was on trial.

Months ago (because I'm well organised) I coordinated to have my hair and makeup trials for Saturday morning, 20 October. I thought it would be a good run to see how everything would go on the big day.

A couple of weeks ago, my hairdresser informed me that she's moving salons on the day of my trial and if I could have it on another day. Little did she realise how much she wrecked my well-planned weekends.

I rearranged the reception food tasting with David (since he can't see me on the trial days) and called the makeup artist. Not really surprisingly, she told me she had all her weekends booked out now, except the one Saturday I organised most of our furniture deliveries to come in. I asked if another makeup artist was available since it was a big salon. She said she was the only makeup artist there.

After some stress, I decided to take a day off work to have both the hair and makeup done on the same day so I could see the full effect. I also organised it on the day my Mum was home so she could help me put on my dress and I could see the whole picture.

I was also expecting the washing machine and the locksmith guy to change our locks. Did I mention I managed to fit in visiting our strata manager to get a spare securiy key?

I arrived at the hairdresser early. I showed her a picture of what I wanted:

I wish I could have those curls all the time but at least one day would be wonderful.

She looked at it and said, "Your hair won't look like that. It's too heavy. I will try something similiar". As my hot rollers were cooling down, I realised there was no way I would get to the makeup artist in time. I gave her a call and said, "Hi, I'm supposed to have an appointment with you at 11:30 but..."

"Eleven pm!" she interrupted me. I was like, "What? It's eleven for my wedding day but at eleven thirty for today." Then she got quiet and said not so defensively, "I have it written down as eleven." I knew by her tone she realised she made a mistake. I asked her if it was possible to do it later today. She said she couldn't. Here, I started panicking because I really wanted to see the hair and makeup together (I took a day off work for just this purpose!)

Then she said she'd try calling the other makeup artist to see if she was available. Another one?! She was already starting to sound like a liar. When she called back, this artist couldn't do it any other day after work. There was no way I was taking another day off work for it. I also didn't want to not have a trial.

I got home panicking because with less than five weeks to go, most makeup artists would be booked out!

I called the first one in the local wedding directory I got at a bridal expo. She said she was available so I booked it. I have no idea whether she's any good but at least she comes to wherever you are so that should save time on the wedding day. I'm having the trial this Saturday morning. I will have to wash it off before I see David that night.

Anyway, back to the hair salon. Once she undid the rollers, my hair was nothing like I wanted it to be. It was still straight at the top and only had a few spirally waves (which were dropping in front of my eyes). She used her tongs a bit to sharpen the curls but it still wasn't what I wanted. My curls looked so fake. My hair looked like this:

It looked pretty much the way my hair always does. Nothing dramatically different for people to go, "Wow!"

And now, at 7pm, my hair is already back to straight. So it won't hold all night. My hairdresser said she'll put more product on the day.

I'm already preparing myself that my wedding day will not be perfect because nothing ever is. (I haven't mentioned but I will probably have a 'girl's problem' on that day, possibly giving me headaches, cramps and a general bad mood). So as you can see, I'm not expecting a beautiful stress-free day. I will try to have fun nonetheless.

Wedding Bells

Isn't it weird that quite a few bloggers who I've read for ages now are also getting married?

I guess it's getting to the age where lots of people are deciding to settle down.

Time flies.

Reflection

People who are overly sensitive, insecure, take things too personally, indecisive, unsure, scared, nervous and anxious really annoy me.

I wish I wasn't all of the above.

Lately people tell me, "You are getting too skinny" but not a positive way. Yet, I love the way I am now. They all think it's due to stress. But I know it's because I stopped driving to work, walk a lot more and do the dance class every week. I don't eat much either because I'm freaked out that most things I'm eating are either bad for my skin or for my stomach (which aches regularly). It's putting me off food. At the same time, I have cravings for chocolate and wheat. I'm sick of healthy food. I'm also sick of paying so much attention to what I eat.

And yes, I am stressed. Only I can't complain much because David's too stressed with working, studying and assisting with the unit.

My Mum is being really overbearing too which really stresses me but she doesn't understand. She thinks she's calming me down but she's not. I tried telling her this but she got really defensive and upset.

I also cry too easily. It's always been my biggest weakness. I just can't control my tears when I'm upset. I hate that.

All I want is for David to put his arms around me and acknowledge that my stress is not an overreaction on my part. I want to go to that safe place where he's making me smile and laugh and I don't feel like there are needles in my gut. I want to feel like I have nothing to worry about, that I will always be happy and loved.

Another 10 Minutes

Every ten minutes of my life can be made into a blog entry. As I don't have time to blog every ten minutes, my blog is starting to miss many aspects of my new busy life.

Blogging is best when you have spare time on your hands to think, reflect and analyse. Nowadays, so many things are happening so quickly, I have no time to think, yet alone reflect and analyse. My brain is holding on to a lot of important information that I can't afford to forget. I have never relied on a planner so much. Every week, there's a list of things to be done, people to call, things to organise.

The fact that David is getting into his exam period and cannot contribute as much as I'd like him to, only adds more pressure. Yes, we could've waited till next year (as David can't help but occasionally remind me) but damn it, I just want to have a kid before I'm 24. Don't ask why, this is ingrained into me. I just want to and that's it.

The stupid thing is that now I'm reconsidering waiting till I'm 25 just so we could have a bit more time alone (and so I can have a chance at performing at the annual dance show).

Speaking of dancing, is it possible to love it as much as I do? I have moved on to the second level. The instructor tires everybody out so much, sweat is literally flowing down my face. The good thing is that I noticed that I can actually jog for a bit without my breath quickening. I noticed this while running to the train station. It was like walking. It was such a pleasant surprise.

I'm not going to be able to go to the third level as I will have to go on the honeymoon. I told this to April and she rolled her eyes and said with her usual sarcasm, "How inconvenient".

Even though I'm experiencing 'some' stress, getting so close to the wedding and all, I think deep down I enjoy it. I want to get stressed about things like getting all rsvps on time and picking songs for the reception. It's like it makes me feel normal, because most 'normal' people stress about insignificant things, right?