Life: Found

This is it.

Tomorrow I'm getting married. I have started getting butterflies in my stomach since yesterday.

As you might realise, a wedding was the whole purpose of my story "In Search of a Life". After several years of wanting, desiring, craving the "happily ever after", I'm about to get it. I always knew that I would keep the blog until I found love and excitement because that's the 'life' I was searching for.

I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get it. Sometimes I expected to be blogging about boring single life in my nineties (if I ever lived that long because we all know statistics say that single people don't live as long as married ones).

When I first started blogging, I was a university student preparing for adult life. I lived with my parents and brother, I hung out with a group of close girlfriends from high school. I worked casual jobs. I dreamed of an exciting career in film/television.

Most of all, I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone in my single misery.

Now I have a permanent full-time job as a designer with great hours and handy location. It is definitely not as exciting as the movies but at least I gave the movie biz a shot and realised that it wasn't practical for me. I have my own home, something I never dreamed of to have at my age. I have overcome the "dancing curse" and have discovered a new joy in Latin dancing. I have kept the same friends and even found a couple of new ones.

Of course, the biggest and most important part is that I have found my RG and I have no doubt of his love for me. He's the one who brings my life the most happiness.

Now I want to tell those people who are searching for something more that it is possible. And not just for everybody else, but for you. Yes, you.

So as my blog was supposed to encourage me to go out and find the Right Guy, which it didn't, I have found him anyway (or he has found me, as he likes to think). He has a name, an active mind, a kind heart and now he has me. My search for a life (and everything I always wanted life to be) has been successful.

In case you're wondering, this not an ending. This is another beginning.

Hen's Night

This time next week I will be getting ready to cross over to the other side. The married side, that is.

Last week has been so busy I didn't get a chance to blog about my Hen's night. I have to leave in 30 minutes so I'll quickly do it now.

It was almost everything I wanted my Hen's night to be. By 'almost' I mean that there was something missing. I'm not sure what. I had such a great time anyway. All my close friends came. There were 12 of us altogether. We were really dressed up for our theme and the photos turned out great.

We ate, talked, danced and even saw a couple of strippers that were organised for the other hen's/buck's night at the same place. I found the whole thing quite disgusting because I couldn't stop thinking what these people's partners would think. But hey, they probably got their own.

I must've been really naive but I thought a stripper just does a dance while taking his/her clothes off. The male strippers were actually touching the women and almost simulating sex. It was gross. The guy from the buck's night got two girl strippers who touched not only him but each other and got completely naked at the end.

When I told David about it, he got annoyed at me for going to that place. How was I supposed to know people from the other groups would get them! Not like I intentionally organised it!

Nadine said that she would only marry Dean if she could have the hot fireman stripper for her hen's night. She also divulged too much information when she said that girls can kiss better than guys and not to diss it till you try it. She also completely freaked out my conservative uni friends.

My other school friend, Beth got up on stage in front of everybody to dance the macarena. All other peope at the place followed her. The guys from the buck's night thought she was the one getting married. She and Nadine got chatted up by 50 year olds from the buck's night. It was really disgusting. When they tried to make conversation with me - "Come on, dance with me!" I ignored them completely.

April looked absolutely beautiful with Amelia's makeup. I seriously considered asking Amelia to do my wedding day makeup. I guess it helps to have amazing skin. She also had her hair done in beautiful waves, the way she will for my wedding.

Everyone commented how I lost a lot of weight which was emphasised by my tight dress. It felt so good to be able to wear it and not worry about any uneven bits coming through. I love the dance class I went to. I wish I could keep going so I could keep my current shape.

I can't believe my hen's night is in the past now, after looking forward to it for so long. Now I'm looking forward to the wedding!

Wedding Jitters

Two weeks till I get married. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The countdown has begun.

I feel so stressed. I'm not even sure exactly why. Most things are coming together but I just wish everything could be done already so I don't have to think about it. Unfortunately that's impossible.

David is so relaxed which is amazing. He's the one who has exams, not me. He said stress doesn't achieve anything and of course I know that! One thing is knowing something and totally another to be able to do it.

Tomorrow is our ceremony rehearsal and I should get to sleep but I feel so restless. Thoughts just won't stop running through my head.

Am I making the right decision? Will I be happy? How can I be certain of anything?

I want to hear over and over again David explaining in detail, illustrating with examples why I will be happy with him. Only in my dreams.

Tonight he was reading jokes from some book to cheer me up and they were all really dumb which only annoyed me.

I'm so touchy these days. I told his Mum she won't be getting a place card as she will be sitting at the main table and she said, "That's discrimination! I want a place card". She was obviously only joking but I wanted to scream, "If you want a place card, make it yourself and sit with the other guests!" Did she even know how time consuming it was to make those cards?!

This is how bad I'm getting.

I'm starting to not even enjoy this process anymore. I should be having fun and being extremely happy but I'm too busy being worried.

I really want to relax a bit before the wedding but I guess any relaxation will have to be postponed to the honeymoon.

David said his perfect wedding would be to go from the ceremony straight to the honeymoon and skip the whole reception bit. Never thought I would say this, but that option is looking very appealing.

I'm also having the hen's night this weekend which doesn't even sink in. It seems like my friends are more excited about it than me. Hope the weather holds up for my outfit. I expected it to be very warm when I got my little dress. Now I might have to wear it with boots but that might make me look too slutty. April said you're supposed to dress slutty to a hen's night. When I showed David the dress, he looked very confused about how it should go on which made me laugh. He's so innocent sometimes.

Too bad my dance classes finished. I lost 3kg doing them which is a lot for me. I can actually fit into size 8 now. I hope I don't put the weight back on in the next week.

I might also mention that I found another makeup artist who will be doing my makeup on the wedding day. It was by luck but the trial went much better than the first one (where I freaked out so much when I saw myself in the mirror that I literally jumped). The second one at least kept my feature the same shape (which I strongly specified). The whole 'professional makeup' experience made me realise that I'm quite capable of doing my own makeup. Also, David kept saying that I didn't need makeup because I had natural beauty which cheered me up enormously. He's so sweet.

And for the biggest news, my grandma and aunty are coming from POB next Monday!!! I'm happy beyond words that they will be at my wedding.

Now, after this long post, I'm actually feeling a lot more relaxed. I forgot about the therapeutic benefits of blogging.

Breaking News

I was listening to a morning show on the radio when I heard "We have to stop the show for some breaking news that has just come in."

My ears perked up and my heart started beating faster. Was there a huge mass attack somewhere? Did a famous person die, been murdered? Was the world coming to an end?

No, a Melbourne Cup horse wasn't in the race anymore. Woah, that's the sort of news that stops a show? I couldn't believe my ears. Gotta love Australia.

The Lost Key

At work I was given a key to my office (shared by three other people). As this office is very easy for outsiders to come into, we have to lock it every time no one is in the room. Therefore I have to carry this key with me at all times.

Every time I go to the bathroom I always worry that I will forget it there. Every time I go to the kitchen to heat up my lunch, I'm paranoid I will lose the key. (I don't always have pockets so mostly it's in my hand).

Yesterday, it happened. I lost it. I realised this at lunch time when I was going to go to the kitchen. I knew the only place I've been to that morning was the bathroom so I ran there. The key was nowhere to be seen. I started to panic. Someone must've taken it. Unless I took it back to the office and put it down somewhere and someone picked it up.

I wasn't actually too worried about it because I thought I would just make a copy of my colleague's key. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. Since it was a security key and a 'company asset', I had to fill out a form, explaining the circumstances. I avoided writing that I could've left it in he bathroom.

I'm hoping I can sort this out without my manager finding out as today was her first day back from holidays (first time I saw her since the interview as she left before I started). What a great first impression that would make.

When I recounted David my story, hoping for sympathy, he said, "You should be more careful with things like that". I was so mad. When he lost the phone, I said, "These things happen". After brewing it till late, I called and told him how that wasn't a nice thing to say. He laughed and said, "Don't worry, these things happen," which made me feel better.

Bridezilla Alert

Oh my God. I'm starting to morph into a bridezilla. I promised myself I never would. A wedding is not about a wedding, it's about getting married. I never expected to become one because I'm not like that. I really surprised myself.

I think the expectation to have the best day of your life (or whatever) is so high that I want to make sure that everything is set up for it to happen. And it's only once! If it's wrecked, you can never get it back.

See, that thought of thinking is very detrimental to any sort of good time.

Thank you to a reader who kindly reminded me what would make the day happy. It's about finding the person you want to share your life with and not about your hair, makeup etc. Deep down I knew it all along but when you get into all the details (and they are endless) of planning a wedding, it's easy to forget your reason for having it in the first place.

Trials

I was supposed to have my hair and makeup trial today. Felt more like my sanity was on trial.

Months ago (because I'm well organised) I coordinated to have my hair and makeup trials for Saturday morning, 20 October. I thought it would be a good run to see how everything would go on the big day.

A couple of weeks ago, my hairdresser informed me that she's moving salons on the day of my trial and if I could have it on another day. Little did she realise how much she wrecked my well-planned weekends.

I rearranged the reception food tasting with David (since he can't see me on the trial days) and called the makeup artist. Not really surprisingly, she told me she had all her weekends booked out now, except the one Saturday I organised most of our furniture deliveries to come in. I asked if another makeup artist was available since it was a big salon. She said she was the only makeup artist there.

After some stress, I decided to take a day off work to have both the hair and makeup done on the same day so I could see the full effect. I also organised it on the day my Mum was home so she could help me put on my dress and I could see the whole picture.

I was also expecting the washing machine and the locksmith guy to change our locks. Did I mention I managed to fit in visiting our strata manager to get a spare securiy key?

I arrived at the hairdresser early. I showed her a picture of what I wanted:

I wish I could have those curls all the time but at least one day would be wonderful.

She looked at it and said, "Your hair won't look like that. It's too heavy. I will try something similiar". As my hot rollers were cooling down, I realised there was no way I would get to the makeup artist in time. I gave her a call and said, "Hi, I'm supposed to have an appointment with you at 11:30 but..."

"Eleven pm!" she interrupted me. I was like, "What? It's eleven for my wedding day but at eleven thirty for today." Then she got quiet and said not so defensively, "I have it written down as eleven." I knew by her tone she realised she made a mistake. I asked her if it was possible to do it later today. She said she couldn't. Here, I started panicking because I really wanted to see the hair and makeup together (I took a day off work for just this purpose!)

Then she said she'd try calling the other makeup artist to see if she was available. Another one?! She was already starting to sound like a liar. When she called back, this artist couldn't do it any other day after work. There was no way I was taking another day off work for it. I also didn't want to not have a trial.

I got home panicking because with less than five weeks to go, most makeup artists would be booked out!

I called the first one in the local wedding directory I got at a bridal expo. She said she was available so I booked it. I have no idea whether she's any good but at least she comes to wherever you are so that should save time on the wedding day. I'm having the trial this Saturday morning. I will have to wash it off before I see David that night.

Anyway, back to the hair salon. Once she undid the rollers, my hair was nothing like I wanted it to be. It was still straight at the top and only had a few spirally waves (which were dropping in front of my eyes). She used her tongs a bit to sharpen the curls but it still wasn't what I wanted. My curls looked so fake. My hair looked like this:

It looked pretty much the way my hair always does. Nothing dramatically different for people to go, "Wow!"

And now, at 7pm, my hair is already back to straight. So it won't hold all night. My hairdresser said she'll put more product on the day.

I'm already preparing myself that my wedding day will not be perfect because nothing ever is. (I haven't mentioned but I will probably have a 'girl's problem' on that day, possibly giving me headaches, cramps and a general bad mood). So as you can see, I'm not expecting a beautiful stress-free day. I will try to have fun nonetheless.

Wedding Bells

Isn't it weird that quite a few bloggers who I've read for ages now are also getting married?

I guess it's getting to the age where lots of people are deciding to settle down.

Time flies.

Reflection

People who are overly sensitive, insecure, take things too personally, indecisive, unsure, scared, nervous and anxious really annoy me.

I wish I wasn't all of the above.

Lately people tell me, "You are getting too skinny" but not a positive way. Yet, I love the way I am now. They all think it's due to stress. But I know it's because I stopped driving to work, walk a lot more and do the dance class every week. I don't eat much either because I'm freaked out that most things I'm eating are either bad for my skin or for my stomach (which aches regularly). It's putting me off food. At the same time, I have cravings for chocolate and wheat. I'm sick of healthy food. I'm also sick of paying so much attention to what I eat.

And yes, I am stressed. Only I can't complain much because David's too stressed with working, studying and assisting with the unit.

My Mum is being really overbearing too which really stresses me but she doesn't understand. She thinks she's calming me down but she's not. I tried telling her this but she got really defensive and upset.

I also cry too easily. It's always been my biggest weakness. I just can't control my tears when I'm upset. I hate that.

All I want is for David to put his arms around me and acknowledge that my stress is not an overreaction on my part. I want to go to that safe place where he's making me smile and laugh and I don't feel like there are needles in my gut. I want to feel like I have nothing to worry about, that I will always be happy and loved.

Another 10 Minutes

Every ten minutes of my life can be made into a blog entry. As I don't have time to blog every ten minutes, my blog is starting to miss many aspects of my new busy life.

Blogging is best when you have spare time on your hands to think, reflect and analyse. Nowadays, so many things are happening so quickly, I have no time to think, yet alone reflect and analyse. My brain is holding on to a lot of important information that I can't afford to forget. I have never relied on a planner so much. Every week, there's a list of things to be done, people to call, things to organise.

The fact that David is getting into his exam period and cannot contribute as much as I'd like him to, only adds more pressure. Yes, we could've waited till next year (as David can't help but occasionally remind me) but damn it, I just want to have a kid before I'm 24. Don't ask why, this is ingrained into me. I just want to and that's it.

The stupid thing is that now I'm reconsidering waiting till I'm 25 just so we could have a bit more time alone (and so I can have a chance at performing at the annual dance show).

Speaking of dancing, is it possible to love it as much as I do? I have moved on to the second level. The instructor tires everybody out so much, sweat is literally flowing down my face. The good thing is that I noticed that I can actually jog for a bit without my breath quickening. I noticed this while running to the train station. It was like walking. It was such a pleasant surprise.

I'm not going to be able to go to the third level as I will have to go on the honeymoon. I told this to April and she rolled her eyes and said with her usual sarcasm, "How inconvenient".

Even though I'm experiencing 'some' stress, getting so close to the wedding and all, I think deep down I enjoy it. I want to get stressed about things like getting all rsvps on time and picking songs for the reception. It's like it makes me feel normal, because most 'normal' people stress about insignificant things, right?

Like Yours but Better

David and I like to email each other at work.

David's email:
Everyone's teasing me now.

my email:
Why?

David's email:
Pam [his boss] asked what colour hair you had and I said, "Like yours, but nicer" which is true.

It made me smile all day imagining David telling his boss I had nicer hair than her.

New Members of the Mortgage Club

As of this week, David and I are home owners. Never thought that I would own my own place at the age of 23. It's amazing how a couple of years can change your life.

I remember how I was two and a half years ago - completely hopeless about where my life was going. I couldn't imagine that it would actually be the way I always wanted.

One little bump that we're experiencing on our home buying adventure is that our real estate agent won't give us all the keys. He says he doesn't have one and there's nothing he can do about it! Nothing he can do! It's his responsibility to provide us all the keys, isn't it? It just seems so obvious that I'm not even sure if it's a legal requirement.

I called the agency to speak to his manager (as he's been very unprofessional and irresponsible the entire process) but the receptionist said that he would call back. He hasn't. I also called our solicitor and left a message on his voicemail but had no call back. I just want to know if it's the agency's responsibility to provide us all the keys or not.

It's very frustrating.

In other news, I'm loving my dance class. It's really not enough to do it just once a week. I wish I could practise every day but I've been too busy. My 'friend' from first lesson hasn't shown up since.

This weekend, David and I are painting our new place. April asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her and Ella for hen's night costumes but unfortunately I can't. Also, have to pick up my wedding dress.

Although it seems like most things are organised for the wedding and the unit but there's still so much to do:

- get jewellery
- test reception food
- send dj a song list (i.e. choose songs)
- send photographer a list of required photos
- select ceremony
- finish the last batch of invitations (can you believe I still haven't finished them?!)
- connect to a telephone network
- choose best internet plan
- buy carpet
- buy new stove, oven, washing machine, fridge
- buy blinds

And to top this off, I agreed to do a book club with April and read "Gone With The Wind". I didn't want to say no because I've been neglecting all the things I used to like doing.

Bought myself a new skirt today. It was only $10 (original price was $69) so I couldn't say no. I think it would look nice on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon is such a good reason to buy nice new stuff. Not like I go shopping that often anyway.

I've noticed I've become more grown-up in my shopping too. I actually enjoyed browsing the homewares section. Imagining what cushions I'd buy for our new couch, what rug, what tableware. Ahhh...

The Lives of My Friends

Dear Sky,

I'm getting nervous about getting married and my boyfriend hasn't even proposed yet!

We've been together for four years. We talk about marriage A LOT but nothing ever comes out of it. I can see myself spending my life with him but some things about him make me nervous. What if he has an affair? You hear it happens to people who never expect it. He also doesn't want to have kids but I do. He's great with others' kids so he's probably only going through a phase and will change his mind.

He can also be very immature but all guys are at this age, aren't they? Does quarter-life crisis exist? I think he might be having one.

I don't know what to do. Is this the guy for me?

- nervous and confused

Dear nervous and confused,

Get a hold of yourself! If you're getting cold feet before you're even engaged, you're not ready to marry this guy. You have to put your feelings and emotions aside for a little while (as hard as it is to do) and assess your capatability with him rationally.

If you think he might cheat, you obviously don't trust him. A successful relationship cannot exist without trust. Has he given you reason to feel this way or are you getting influenced by things you hear in the media? If it's the latter, you're being too easily influenced by people who shouldn't influence you at all. You have to know his character (which after four years, you should have a clear picture) to see that he's strong enough not to be swayed away from you or give in to weaknesses.

As for kids, that's not something to be taken lightly. If he says he doesn't want to have kids, you have no guarantee that he will change his mind. This sort of 'phase' can last a lifetime.

Immaturity doesn't always disappear with age. Some people have that condition all their lives.

A quarter-life crisis exists in people's heads. Age is no excuse for doing out-of-character things.

Having said all of the above, it doesn't mean that this guy isn't the one for you. He very well might be. Sometimes it's easier to convince yourself that he's the one because you have a history with him that you don't want to throw away. Unfortunately, the longer you wait the worse it will get if in the end you realise he's not the one you want. But only you can decide that.

Love Sky

Dear Sky,

My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. I am ready to take the next step and make a formal committment. The problem is that I know he's not. He has not grown up enough to be the adult partner I want him to be.

For example, we have planned on going overseas next year and as I was about to book the tickets, he called to tell me that he didn't want to go because he wanted to save up for a car. I was devastated because I was really looking forward to it.

I am also looking to buy a property but there's no way I'd want him to move in. I would just end up picking after him. He needs to grow up first.

My parents love him but I am not sure anymore if I want spend my life with him.

I also have a problem with him not caring what I do. He wouldn't even care if I had a stripper for my hen's night. He also never argues which really annoys me. I'd rather he screamed than stayed silent. I even try to provoke him to get any reaction but it doesn't have any effect on him.

Should I wait until he grows up?

- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Sounds like you're stuck with a guy out of habit. You might've had things in common when you were teenagers but it seems you don't anymore.

His last-minute cancellation on your trip shows not only his lack of reliability but also his complete lack of consideration.

The fact that you don't want to move in with him out of fear that you'd be like a mother figure is a big neon sign that says "Mismatch!" He's not a child anymore and should be able to look after himself.

Of course your parents love him - they only see the surface - his good job, his charm etc. That's not enough for you because you need some quality and substance underneath the perfect exterior to make your relationship work.

If you feel the need to provoke him to get a reaction shows either a bit of immaturity on your part or your need for his attention. If it's attention you want, you need to tell him! It might sound like a cliche but communication is key! If you're being immature, you'd make the perfect couple!

You're right that he still needs to grow up. Unfortunately you never know how long that will take. It's up to you to decide how long you want to wait. Don't wait too long because you don't want to wake up one day when you're 35 and realise that nothing had changed.

Love Sky

Dear all my friends with boyfriends who are 'not ready',

Be strong!!! Make a decision about what you want and stick to it. Let him know where you stand and if he's not standing right there beside you, it's time to cut loose (yes, it will be painful) but not as painful as spending your life with somebody who doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you.

Love you all,
Sky

Sweet Life

David and I ordered our wedding cake on the weekend.

The place looked like a museum. Each cake was a piece of artwork. They offered us some samples which sealed the deal. We're going to have the yummiest cake, which will hopefully look great too.

We also bought floor boards for our new place. It doesn't sound that exciting but I was so excited to be picking out the floor and the thing that goes around it, forgot what it's called.

We get the keys next week!!!! Ohmygod, I can' t believe it, we will be owners of a unit (and "owners of a mortgage" as David put it). This is too grown-up but I'm so ready for it.

On Sunday, met up with the school friends. Handed out invitations to those who haven't received one. They were so excited about the whole thing. We also decided on the theme for the hen's night which I can't wait for! A reason to dress up never goes astray.

Too many exciting things happening!!! I'm bursting with excitement.

Last night brought me back to earth though when at about 9pm, I got bad stomach pains and started losing conscience. I was freaked out but it passed and I'm fine now.

Dancing Adrenaline

I'm on a dancing high.

Started classes again.

The instructor was full of energy and really made it fun. She taught the moves quite differently to the last place I've been to but I got the hang of it. I also realised just how unfit I am. My muscles were killing me and my body just couldn't move as fluidly as it should have.

Seriously need more practice. Salsa seems so easy in comparison.

Made a friend straight away which was great so I didn't feel like I was alone there. She had a friend who does shows. That's pretty cool to know a professional dancer.

I can't wait till next week.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

April is organising my hen's night! Other girls are all eager to have some put in so should be interesting! I'm so looking forward to it. I know it's going to be tons of fun. Still deciding on the theme though.

Work Hours

me: I'm so annoyed. I couldn't leave until 5pm!
April: what a hard life you lead

Money Talks

My old manager called me yesterday and told me that the position that I vacated will be advertised with a higher salary!

And I have been deciding not to go back because I'm learning so much at my new job and getting used to it. I'm even appreciating the extra walking.

But money is a big thing so I will definitely go for it.

Friday with Future In-Laws

I got my salsa dvd! I can't wait to start! The end is bad quality, though. I wonder if it's the DVD or our dodgy DVD player. Need to try it in another one.

Last night went well. Dinner was really nice. My parents weren't used to such large portions and so much seafood but it all turned out ok. They talked a lot. Especially my Mum. I never realised how social and outgoing she was. Especially lately, I started noticing that she just makes conversation with anybody. People in the shops, on an escalator, on a plane etc. I don't remember her being like that before.

Our parents will never be friends but I know that they always be able to get along. That's all we can really ask for. We're both very lucky that neither of our parents have any issues and are easy-going.

After my parents and brother left, I stayed with David and we watched Prime. It was a refreshing romantic comedy. Not your typical Hollywood one. It was a realistic (as much as you can be in a film) story. A rare enjoyment. The only thing that that was a bit weird was the main actor looked too much like my brother.

Breathing

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
and take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
trying to identify the voices in my head
God which one's you
let me feel one more time what it
feels like to feel and
break these calluses off of me
one more time

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside your door
and listen to your breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
where I wanna be

I don't want a thing from you
bet you're tired of me
waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
cause I just want to be here now

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah
where I wanna be
where I wanna be

I love Lifehouse.