Bad

Well, yesterday wasn't one of my favourite days.

Got a call at 10:30 from the hospital, asking me why I wasn't there for the pre-admission tests for my operation on Thursday. I told them that I didn't get any papers in the mail telling me to come. The lady told me that I had to be there before 12. I rushed all the way there and got there just before 12. When I told the receptionist, she told me to take a seat and relax.

I had to wait for 2 freaking hours!!! I was the last patient for the doctor and the nurse that I saw and they made sure I knew I that, which irritated me because although they wanted to go home, didn't mean that they had to rush everything just to quickly get rid of me.

When I got home, I got my reference from the bookstore. If I didn't hate them enough before, I really hate them now! For heaven's sake, they wok in a bookstore, don't they know how to write?!!! Every little good thing was made into a bad thing. For example, instead of saying that I was a casual bookseller, they wrote that I was a 'probationary bookseller'. That makes it sound like I'm a criminal on parole. Was it really that necessary to add 'probationary'?! The whole thing was like that. It sounded more like a school report, not a work reference. Did they forget how many books I sold even when the managers told the customers that they couldn't help them? No wonder their business is on the road to bankruptcy. Didn't they learn anything from the 25 years that they ran it? Obviously not.

Then I got mad at Dad because he never listens to what anyone says and then says really stupid and hurtful things.

The highlight of my day was watching "Room For Improvement" because there's was nothing else on. I never knew that lifestyle shows are so effective in taking your mind off everything.

Digital Prints

I'm thinking of getting a digital camera but I found one piece of info that's kind of strange. Is it true that to get the digital photos printed costs $6.60 per photo (if it's not done at home)? Why is it so expensive?

Pretty Pictures

My blog looks so much nicer with pictures, don't you think?

I'd like to put more but I don't want it to take forever to download.

More Max

Ok, I've just travelled in a time machine back to when I was 16. Except I'm not 16, I'm 19 in the same circumstances that I was in 3 years ago.

Yes, that's right, I'm getting another crush on Max. Except since I don't have much else to do with my time, I don't care that I have a crush on him. I actually quite like it. How can I tell that I have a crush on him?

1. Well, I started listening to all the songs that we both like. I like them too but I haven't listened to them for a while.
2. Every time I check my email, I hope I get an email from him.
3. Every time I get an SMS, I hope it's from him.

Yes, I know it's very pathetic and really sad. But I honestly just don't care.

I'm so glad I called him. It dropped some of the mystery surrounding the whole thing. He's a real person now. And a really nice and cute one too.

How much easier things would be if we met in real life, which would actually not be too impossible. He lives 20 minutes away from me and we used to catch the same train before we even knew each other. I walked past the place where he used to work and there could be every chance that I could've seen him. There were also times when we were in the same place without knowing (i.e. shopping centre).

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! I just realised that my archives have been fixed!!!! About time!

Simile

Matchbox 20 to my ears is like chocolate to my tongue.

You know how I was saying how much I love reading blogs? Well, I'd love it even more if some blogs could write grammatically correct, using the right spelling and punctuation so I can understand it. There's a reason why punctuation was invented. And is it really hard to put a full stop at the end of each sentence? Seriously, reading some blogs is like reading another language or a 4 year old's scribblings.

A Taste Of The Real World

Ok, here are the details.

Work: about an hour before the end of my shift, Jack tells me that he has to have a talk about my probation period before I go. I realised that he was going to fire me. I was a bit upset because I needed that job. I was trying to calm myself down and trying to convince myself not to completely go off at him after he fires me.

Half an hour before the end of my shift, he and his wife took me outside. It was too awkward for words. I was anxiously waiting for them to tell me that I didn't fit in with their business or some other crap like that but they didn't. They told me that it had nothing to do with me but with the fact that the sales were so down for the last 2 months that they couldn't afford me anymore. And the reason they fired me and not someone else was because I was still on probation period and the last to join the team. I wonder what happened to the guy who came after me. I haven't seen him for quite a while. Maybe they dropped him too. They were so damn nice about the whole thing, it was disgusting. They said they'll send me a really nice reference. They better! And I got my Harry Potter book for free (as a gift), although they put up the price this week to $35 from $30.

I hate not having a job. I need some money flow. And tutoring is not much. I hate looking for a job. And I can't look for one now anyway because I'm supposed to have my gallbladder operation in the next few weeks and I won't be able to work right after that, and I can't not turn up for the first few days. I hate this.

Max: I got the guts to call him. I was expecting the worst (just in case) so I was very surprised to hear the nicest voice I've ever heard. Not nice as in personality but just the actual voice. He should be on radio. That's how nice it was. I, of course, was talking too fast and too loud. I was a bit surprised that he didn't say much. I felt like I had to fill every silence with anything, no matter how stupid it was. Thankfully, I had to go so there was no need to talk for longer.

He later messaged me to say that I sounded nervous! What the hell! I was so completely not nervous. I just always sound a bit too happy and excited and hyper. I told him that I'll only talk to him on the phone again if he'll actually talk back. I'll see what happens. He probably didn't like how I sounded. Oh well. Too bad for him, right? Right.

What I realised is the quicker I get to know him in real life and the quicker I realise that I don't like him in real life, the quicker I'll get over him. If I just talk to him on the net, there'll always be hope that he's this wonderful guy in real life. I need to kill that hope.

Well, today was eventful.

I got fired (or should I say retrenched).

I called Max.

Don't feel like writing about it now but I will later.

Others

I'm addicted to blogs. I absolutely love to read about other people's lives and thoughts. It's so satisfying.

Do you ever feel like you're just above everyone else?

I'm not trying to be snobby. It's an honest question, because I feel like that sometimes. Doesn't mean that I am above everyone else. I just get really annoyed by some people's immaturity (that they like to call humour). And if someone doesn't find it funny are uptight. Just because gross jokes are not funny, doesn't mean a person has no sense of humour. It just means that the person's intelligence can find humour in less subtle ways.

Although this sounds like I'm talking about myself, I'm not. I was speaking in general terms. (Well, apart from feeling superior to others and being tired of immaturity.)

If I Hear One More Thing About Relationships...

Most of my friends at uni are in serious long-term relationships and they were all talking about them all day today. I felt a bit left out. I'm pretty sure that they know that I don't have a boyfriend since I never mention one but they don't know that I never ever had one. I was just hoping that they wouldn't ask my about non-existent love life at all.

The funny thing is for some reason they ask me for advice on their relationships. What's up with that?! I guess I'm not too surprised because people always assume that I'm the type to have boyfriends. The thing is that I am the type to have a boyfriend. It's just something somewhere went completely wrong.

I seriously just give up on the whole thing. Yesterday I was actually glad not to have a boyfriend to worry about. Maybe after I'll move out, I'll get some cats and wear weird clothes and lead the proper spinster life.

Too bad I don't particularly like cats (or weird clothes).

Paranoid Basket Case

I'm getting really paranoid about this blog lately because I've been writing stories that could easily identify me to people who know me. For example when I told the story about the psycho that was at the store to my uni friends, their every look and response made me suspicious of them knowing about this site. I'm sort of trying to ignore my paranoia for now but it better not get out of control. I already conjured up images of the worst case consequences that could happen if people (that I know) find out about this.

Anyway, I was just reading stories about people meeting online and although all the happy stories make it sound very romantic, the odd scary one makes me question the whole idea. For example, if I meet Max and we become friends, what am I supposed to tell my parents and friends about how I met him? I'm already thinking up of plausible lies of our meeting circumstances (and I haven't even met him yet).

The reason I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to be judged as desperate. I know if someone told me that they met someone off the net, I'd think they were desperate. The reason I'd probably think that is because it's the truth. Although I try to convince myself otherwise. On one hand I really do want to meet Max because I think he'd make a great friend. But on the other, I wish I'd meet some other guy who would make a great friend so there won't be any secrecy.

Although it's the secrecy of the whole thing that bothers me, it also makes the whole thing more exciting and I crave things that are not ordinary.

I don't think Max would be too happy about keeping the whole thing a secret. He'd think that I was embarrased by him. But it's not that I'm embarrassed by him as much as I'm embarrassed by the whole situation.

It feels so nice to be able to talk about this openly here because the only person that knows about me talking to Max again and thinking of meeting him is Andrew and he thinks it's a great idea. I can't take his advice so straight forwardly though because he's a bit naive about a lot of things. Since he's younger than me, I can never take anything he says very seriously because I don't know if he's saying it with mature thought or off-handed feelings.

I know I'm becoming a real basket case. Not that I wasn't enough of one before. But that's why you all like reading my blog, don't you? :-)

Blah

I just came back from work and I'm in a bad mood. I hate Jack, the manager. I feel like becoming very violent every time he's there.

Other than that, work was quite exciting today. We had a man who acted like a 3 year old. Literally! Jack even called security which made the man run around the store screaming. The security had to physically take him out. But then he broke free and was running past the shops squeling and crying for his Mum. When his Mum came, she apologised and said that the reason her son didn't want to leave the store was because it was his birthday yesterday and he wanted a $55 book but she wasn't planning on buying it.

The scary thing was that when I first walked past him, he said something and I thought that he wanted to ask me something. After I turned around he kept staring at me while making weird noises which made me realise that he was not 'normal'.

I'm really thinking if I should get another job. I wouldn't mind if they fired me because that would give me an excuse to one. Also, this job would look nice on my resume.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately with doing my assignments and staying on the net. Every morning when I have to wake up early, I tell myself that I will go to sleep early that night. But do I ever?

Can't wait till next week. For a couple of reasons. I'm expecting something interesting to happen. I'm not saying what though. Because it might not happen.

You know how I said that the recent photo of Max looks creepy? Well, the more I look at it the less creepy it seems. I can't even understand why I thought he looked scary in the first place. It's like with all the photos that he sent me. At first, I'm surprised but after I get used to them, I like them. Maybe it's just the initial reaction.

I need to go to the library and borrow some new books. Maybe next week.

What happened to my message board? Everyone used to post all the time but now it's dead. Please help me revive it. Is there anything you ever wanted to talk about but never could, or people just didn't listen, well here's your chance! Make it happen!

Yes, I do need sleep.

Procrastination

Procrastination is my worst enemy at the moment. Or to be more exact, at every moment where I need to do uni assignments. When will I start listening to the reason inside my head that keeps nagging me to start (and finish) early, for once!

Who wants to know about Max?

Ok, I won't tell you.

What I will tell you though (even if you couldn't care less) is that I admit to being a breadaholic. (I'm also a bookaholic but we all know that already). I, seriously, just absolutely love the smell and taste of fresh bread. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Too bad fresh bread has so many carbohydrates and carbohydrates make you fat and if you're fat you can't look good in clothes. And really, what else is there to life? :)

You know that Atkins diet that is so in fashion at the moment? Well, I think it actually might have some truth in it. Every time I eat less food with carbohydrates, I lose weight (even if I eat more fatty food).

Speaking of food, I'm a bit sick of my gallbladder. I want a donut. Everyone at uni has been having them lately. But just the thought of throwing up at uni because of a minute of enjoying that donut turns me off all food. Anyway, I know you don't want to hear about my gallbladder but this is my blog and you don't have to read it.

My Mum is going for a 2 day business trip to another state. Although I don't see her that much lately, it feels weird for her not be around. It's not like the first time that she left but still.

April and I are going to the Matchbox 20 concert!!!!! Could we be any luckier?! Actually we could be, if we found out about it earlier and got the tickets as soon as they were on sale and actually got the seats next to each other. But I'm still happy. Sure it'd be great to seat together but I'll live.

I've run out of things to write so I'm going to go and get some sleep so I can wake up early enough tomorrow to finish my assignment.

My Big Break

Right after I finished tutoring my student today, she asks me, "Have you been in Girlfriend? [Australian teenage girls magazine]" I was like, "What?! No! Why?" She said that there is someone in it who looks exactly like me and has the same name (which is not very common). All I said was, "That's strange".

Then while I was driving home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's extremely unlikely for someone to have the same name as me and look like me as well! I started to come up with weird theories like someone put a picture of me with some horrible story like "I Live With Anorexia" or "I Kissed A Girl" or "I Have Five Boyfriends And They Don't Know About Each Other" or "I Was Pregnant At 14" or "How To Dump That Loser" or "My Boyfriend Is In Jail" or "My Sister Stole My Boyfriend" or "Achieving Your Dream: Starting Your Jewelerry Business". Ok, I'm getting carried away here but can you sense my worries?!

I will take a deep breath and imagine that the girl who looked like me was a beautiful model, wearing stylish clothes...

My Favourite Customer

The best thing happened at work yesterday. A customer wouldn't buy a book because the 'daughter manager' was rude to me! The customer made a huge scene saying to me how rude the manager was to me and that I was very good with her. I don't think I could've even expected something like that. The funny thing was that the manager wasn't even that rude. Or maybe I was just getting used to it and it took an outsider to remind me that I'm wasn't imagining the rudeness. Anyway, that made my whole day!

How To Waste Time

Check out googlism.com. Put your name into the search engine and see what comes out.

Inside and Outside

I emailed Max and got a reply the next day. With my next e-mail I sent a photo of me. He was really surprised that during the few years that we talked I never sent him a pic but now after 2 emails I have. I don’t think he realises just how much I changed. He said he changed a lot but I don’t think he has much. A nice change would’ve been if he decided to go to uni but he’s still doing the same mundane job that he was before. He sent me a recent photo of him. To tell you the truth I was a bit creeped out by it. It’s obvious that it’s the same guy as the cute one but somehow he looks scary. It’s an extreme close-up and it’s really dark and one of his eyes look really big compare to the other one. And he just generally looks older than his 23 years. I don’t know, it made me rethink if I really want to meet him. It’s weird how in real life you first see what a person looks like and then you find out their personality but online it’s the opposite. It makes it harder for me to put the personality to the face.

My Life In Point Form

I've gone insane. I'm thinking thoughts that I would never before think and the worst is that I'm thinking these thoughts with logic. Before I thought these same thoughts with emotions, rather than common sense. At least before when I thought irrationally, I never acted on them. Now when I can rationalise all my thoughts, I know I'm going to act on them. This is starting to scare me. How could I change my mind so easily about issues that I feel really strongly about? What's going on? I don't feel like myself.

Since Max's email my whole perspective on the situation changed. How could that be? I'm usually very set in my views on those sort of issues. What is going on with my brain?!

It's as if some force is making me think those thoughts and I don't even believe in 'forces'.

Ever since I started this blog, I've been slowly changing. If you told me last year that I would post my life on the net, I would've told you that you were crazy. I'm pretty reserved in real life, although not as much as I used to be.

Did I tell you that I believe that every year you experince something that will define that year and your life in general? I don't know if that refers to you but I noticed that's what happens in my life.

1993: Having the best adventure of my life with Ivan.
1994: Going into a private school and getting the biggest shock of my life that for the first time I can't get on with anyone. That was quite depressing for a 10 year old.
1995: Excitement about getting into a really good high school.
1996: First year of high school.
1997: Accepting that although Nadine is not a perfect best friend, she's my best friend.
1998: Becoming close friends with April and Amelia, finding out that a person can really hate me without even knowing me. Finding out who my true friends are.
1999: Exchange Program showed that I could be completely independent and how important my family and friends are to me.
2000: Max. (Need I say more?)
2001: Last year of school, uni exams. Being able to handle pressure and stress.
2002: First year of uni, meeting lots of new people, realising that it's much harder to get a boyfriend than I originally thought. Also realising that although school finished, my school friendships haven't.
2003: This blog for now but maybe something else will happen. There's always hope.

I didn't write before 1993 because although I remember stuff that happened, I don't remember the order.

So if you had to write a significant event for every year of your life, what would your list look like?

Second Beginning

I think you should consider yourselves very lucky that you didn't know me when I was 16 and 17 because my blog would've been filled with constant babble about Max, like it's beginning to be. I'm sure you're just thrilled. (Well the curious ones probably really are.) At that time I even filled my diary (that I used to keep) with entries only about Max. You can call it an obsession. That's what I call it. I thought it was just another little crush but there's nothing little about it.

No one has commented about this. Actually everyone stopped posting to my message board. What happened?

I sort of decided to myself that I will email him. First I'll suss out why he decided to email me and I'll act depending on what his reasons are. If he just wants to know what I'm up to and that's all, that's fine. But if he really missed me and wants to talk again, I'll tell him that the online thing is over and I want it to be real. If he agrees, then I'll send him a pic of me and then call him. If not... actually I haven't thought about that... Should I just talk to him anyway or should I break it? I guess I'll think about it later.

I actually talked to Andrew about it. I never told him the exact details of how I met Max until today. He thinks I should meet up with him. Andrew is getting really mature lately. I love having a brother like him. It's like always having a friend there. I love listening to him tell me about his friends. His stories inspire me to make a show about his group of friends, rather than mine. All the girls tell him about how they like other guys and always ask him for advice but they never tell him who likes him. He's like the typical nice guy. I can't tell you about all of his unique friends. It will take too long.

So I guess the next few months could be very interesting for me. I need some excitement.

Oh!!! Before I forget I have to tell you about a little incident that happened relating to Nate (remember the guy who used to work with me for a tiny while?) At the end of my shift on Sunday, I grabbed the envelope with my pay slip from my tray. When I opened it on the train, I noticed that the times that I worked were completely different to the real ones. Then I noticed that on the envelope was Nate's name, not mine! It was Nate's pay slip! It must've been accidentally put into my tray. When I got home, I realised something. I could find out his age by his rate. When I looked at it, I couldn't believe it. He got $4 less than me!!! How could he be younger than me?!!! I've got a big issue with liking guys that are younger than me. It completely grosses me out. It's probably 'cause I have a younger brother and I think of younger guys as his friends or little kids, even if they are 17 or 18. I don't know why, I just do. He so didn't look younger than me but he must be. So it was good for me that he left. Imagine if I got a crush on a 15/16/17 year old and not know it?!!!

This is a bit irrelevant but April visited me at work. I was in a bad mood because I was stressed about all my assignments and the 'daughter manager' was being her usual bitchy self but when I saw April, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. She talked with me for a while which was the biggest mood booster. There's nothing like cheering up from a good friend. I haven't seen her for a while and was missing her so you can imagine my happiness when I saw her.

Mind Games

Mind Games

Since I got the email from Max, my life changed (or on the path of a big change). It's almost like someone coming back from the dead after you finally accepted their departure. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I reread our ICQ logs to remind me why I didn't like him but the things that I got really annoyed by don't annoy me as much.

Although I know what he looks like, I always imagine him to not look too good. I looked at the photos again and there's no way he's bad looking. Quite the opposite. He's got big brown eyes and the sweetest smile. Just looking at him makes me want to meet him right now. I know that's not a good reason to meet him so I won't.

I decided to be completely straight forward with him and not play stupid mind games. I'm probably going to email him back but wait a while before I do that to let him know that I'm not going to talk to him whenever he wants to talk to me after he ignored several of my messages (ages ago). Also if we start talking again, I decided that I’m going to make the whole thing real and meet him. If I won’t like him, I’ll get over it sooner without always having hope that he’s wonderful in real life. And if I will like him, then wonderful.

When I was thinking straight, I told myself that I will never go out with a guy who has no marriage potential no matter how desperate I get. I will definitely not marry Max. I just don’t want to settle on him. I need someone to at least have tertiary education and be a complete atheist since I feel really strongly about those, among other things (like no smoking and drugs but we both agree on those). Basically I only want to marry a guy who is smarter than me (in educational things). Max never went to uni and has a different outlook on those things. He also has a lot of family problems and when I have kids, I want them to be protected from that. I want them to have 2 happy sets of grandparents. Also, statistically, people from broken homes view marriage differently and see divorce as a solution to any big problem. I don’t want that. I doubt that will happen with Max because he feels very strongly about marriage and family but I can never know for sure. Anyway the latter issues aren’t even issues because him not taking uni seriously and not being sure about religion are major barriers. What I really like about him ,though, that makes me want to go out with him so much is that he’s very intuitive and senses things about me before I even say them. Not a lot of people can do that. We also have similar hobbies and I just generally like talking to him.

But going out with him would be really not fair to him if I already know that we have no future together. That would be leading him on, since I know he could really fall in love with me. I’m not being over-confident. He hinted before that he likes me too much. He obviously isn’t in love with me but he might be. I’ll just end up breaking his heart and causing myself a lot of emotional problems. But on the other hand, I can fall in love with him too without wanting to. When people go out, they don’t need to think of practical things that couples think about when they’re married. I’ll lose all control of my practical thinking skills, like you can see that I’m already doing.

Did I say that I don’t want to play mind games with him? That seems impossible at this moment. Imagine if I tell him, “I just want to go out with you now because I really like you and because I haven’t met anyone better. I definitely don’t want to marry you and we’ll break up as soon as I’ll meet someone who does have marriage potential.”. He’ll think I’m a selfish bitch. And he would be right.

What should I do?!!! I need help!!!

SHOCK!

I've just gotten the biggest shock! I think I may be hallucinating. The impossible just happened. Even getting a boyfriend would seem more realistic than this. Does anyone want to guess?

No?

I was just casually checking my mail and there was an email from... MAX!!!!!!!!! I have to remind myself to breathe just thinking about it. Just a while ago I was missing him and wanting and not wanting an email from him at the same time. I was so extremely grateful that he didn't write or anything because not having any contact with him made it much easier to get over the whole fiasco. The further away in time that he was, the less I cared and the easier it was to look forward without being distracted by the past. I don't particularly like looking back (although I do anyway) and the only way I could forget (or as close as possible to forgetting) about him is to not have any connection with him.

Here I was thinking that it was very strong of him to break all communication, and what does he do?!!! The email is so short but it brings back so much. I don't want to go back to the same thoughts and feelings that I had 3 years ago. They completely blocked me from reality. I don't want to live in that state of semi-consciosness again. And that's probably what will happen if I'll reply to his email. Or will it? I'm not a 16 year old school girl anymore and he might've grown up too. The curious part of me really wants to know what he's been up to but the practical part of me (that knows what's best for me) tells me to ignore the e-mail and pretend that he never sent it.

If only I had a boyfriend, my decision would've been so much easier. The only reason I want him is because there's no one else and he's not too bad. I just have a major issue with trusting him. Although I've talked to him for over 2 years, I can’t fully believe that he is what he says he is. I don’t know why exactly, but I can’t. And he can tell which is why he started to get really annoyed with me. His annoyance just made me trust him even less. At the end we just got so annoyed with each other that he decided to stop talking to me which was fine with me.

Do you think emailing him back is completely harmless or do you think I definitely shouldn’t do it? I’d really like to know what you think I should do and why since you can judge the situation objectively, unlike myself who can’t think straight when anything has to do with Max.

I know that you obviously don’t know the whole situation so you can ask me any questions that would affect your judgement about what I should do.

Uni, Music and Celebrities

Two more weeks till the end of the semester. Time flies so fast. I'm almost half way through uni. Amelia said that she wasn't particularly looking forward to the holidays because she likes the uni atmosphere. I just want a break from assignments and exams (and get rid of my gall bladder that's really annoying me).

I don't think my first 1 1/2 years of uni was very productive (apart from the fact that I'm getting closer to getting that piece of paper that will get me a good job). Although it was enjoyable, I didn't make any really important connections with anyone and I need to be connected to people. I thrive on that. Somehow, I just imagined it to be different, more exciting. I don't know... My future never meets my hopes that I have for it.

I really should stop writing here at night. I just can't say anything remotely amusing at this time. I just type out my stream of consciousness. Not a good thing (for me).

I have to work tomorrow. I just can't hide my excitement (and sarcasm). I read somewhere that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. Does anyone agree with that?

I've been downloading Matchbox 20 songs. They are my favourite band now. Every song fits me. They never got the recognition that they deserve. I also like Everclear (but not as much). Goo Goo Dolls are not too bad either (I heard them live once which was pretty cool). Another favourite band of mine is Savage Garden.

Speaking of celebrities, Norma said something very smart last week. We were talking about Michael Jackson's songs and got onto the topic of Michael Jackson's actions and Norma said, "He's a performer, we don't care about his private life". I couldn't agree more. Somehow, I'm just not that interested in celebrities' lives like so many people are. I don't understand why. I'm very curious about people, but not about celebrities. I prefer 'real' people. People I can relate to. I'd rather read personal blogs that trashy magazines about famous people. Does anyone else feel this way?

I don't know why, but sometimes there's nothing more relaxing than being on the net at night (and not having to wake up early the next day).

Friends Cure Shyness

I saw Amelia today (just like I do every Tuesday). Although we've always been really good friends, lately, I feel really close to her. I can talk to her about almost anything.

I talked to her stalker today. That was hilarious. When he called her mobile, I answered and told him that she left her mobile with me for a few weeks and asked if he wanted to leave a message. After a couple of minutes of his "uh...uhm...uh..." etc, he said to tell her that he called. I was trying so hard not to laugh because Amelia was making weird faces at me. I don't think she believed what I was actually doing. I sort of didn't really believe it either. Since when do I make up stories to guys who I've never even met? It was always in me to make stuff up for fun but I've never actually done it.

I used to be so shy around people (apart from my family) when I was younger, but now if I'm with my close friends, I do not-so-shy things. I don't know how I acquired all this extra confidence. Probably from the fact that people like me even more when I'm myself, rather than when I don't say or do anything.

You know that quote "It's better to not say anything and make people think you're stupid, rather than say something and remove all doubt"? I, unconsciously, lived by that. Now, even if I say something stupid, I just don't care (unless, of course, it's to a guy who I like but since I don't like any guy right, it doesn't count).

Trends

I can't believe how many people are getting message boards now because they saw it on my site! I feel like I started a trend, yay!!!

Although, I have a little confession to make. It wasn't my original idea. Katie (from Digital Ink) used to have a message board but she closed it before I started reading her blog. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't talk about her blog with other readers and her, so I decided to get a message board for myself.

I guess I re-started the trend. It's a nice feeling to be followed.

When I was little, my brother used to copy absolutely everything that I did which used to make me really mad. When I got a bit older, I realised that his copying should be taken as flattery which is what I think of it now. So if anyone wants a message board, feel free to copy (not that you need my permission).

Work Gossip

Who wants to hear about my work?

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

Yesterday I had to work from 6 to 9 with the 'husband' manager and his son, Peter. And no one else. Just the three of us. Can you feel my joy? Well what can I say except "Like father, like son" (only a bit better).

There wasn't much to do so I had to stay at the counter, pretending to be busy, while Peter was eating in the backroom. When he finished, I tried to avoid him by walking around the shop, pretending to be putting books on the shelves. Then Jack (the husband manager) ordered me to go to the front because Peter went to help Jack. You should've seen Peter's face. He was beaming. I felt like he was always laughing at me. And if you know me, I absolutely can't stand being bossed around, let alone being laughed at (for no good reason).

Later, at the counter when he was there, I did something that he couldn't. I couldn't enjoy that moment enough because he's always trying to show how good he is at everything. I think his face might've gone a little red (or that could've just been the heating which was making my face red too).

Anyway, after that Jack told me to take books from the very top shelves (which could only be reached from a ladder). When Peter heard Jack tell me to do this, he made some smartarse comment about me having to do this annoying job. He laughed too early because he ended up climbing the ladder several times because I couldn't reach most of the books. Also, instead of him only climbing once, I made him do it a number of times when it wasn't necessary. Ah, my skills of manipulation...

Then when I finished with that, he misused his power by making me do something that I didn't have to. I did what he said because I didn't want to argue with the manager's son but when he laughed, I realised he was just kidding. I was really mad at him. To make everything worse, I had a really bad headache (since I was at uni before and had a small gallstones attack). I was in a really pissed off mood already so he just made me fume with anger.

After that, we had to stand at the counter together. I decided to talk to him 'cause I was bored and I can't get in trouble for talking with the manager's son (unlike other employees). Turns out, he's not too bad to talk to. I asked too many questions (as usual) and have lots more. It was quite interesting to listen to him. I should've listened more and asked less.

Guess what he asked me? He asked me what year of high school I was in!!! You should've seen his face when I told him I was at uni (not to mention 2nd year)! That was funny! I'll take that as a compliment. After that he talked differently with me.

I wonder how old he is. I'm guessing 25 or 26, although he looks anywhere from 22 to 30.

He's one of those guys who I can't stand and like at the same time. It's terrible.

I don't think I'll be working with him for a while, which suits me fine.

Could, Should and Can't Be Bothered

I could be having a life at the moment. I should be doing work. I'm definitely doing neither.

My friends have totally confused me about our weekend plans. I can't be bothered figuring them out anymore.

Claudia wanted to go out tomorrow and said that she'd call to tell me the details. She didn't. April messaged me yesterday about going out tonight but not knowing when or where but just meet up in the city and figure out then. Today, I got an email from Claudia telling me the meeting details of tomorrow. I messaged April asking her if she's sure we're meeting today and not tomorrow. She messaged back at 5:20 telling me to call them when I get to the city so they can tell me where to meet them. By that stage, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. It takes me about 45 minutes to get there and I'm too tired to go, although I want to see them all (well, except Amelia who is starting her new job). I'm not sure if tomorrow is still on. I'll ask Claudia tomorrow morning.

I told April that I couldn't come because I'm very tired (which is true) and because I have lots of work (which is also extremely true) by which is assumed that I'm going to do all this work (unfortunately not true because I'm very tired as I already mentioned and because the work is boring and I can't get motivated enough to do it).

Missing Max (Or Am I?)

Have you ever wanted to do something that you know is not in your best interests?

I'm feeling like this at the moment. I want to talk to Max. Sometimes I really hope that he'd e-mail me but he never does (for which I'm very grateful because I'm not strong enough to break all the ties between us and I know I have to in order to live my life). I've read our ICQ transcripts and realised (not for the first time) that what we had was really stupid. It's not that I regret it, just wish it ended differently. I'm not sure how different, but just not this way. I sort of expected it to end like this but I just wish I wouldn't think about him every time I really want a boyfriend.

If only I met him differently and he was a different person, how much easier and happier my life would be.

When I was talking with Amelia today, at the next table was a beautiful couple who were acting all lovey-dovey and although they didn't make me completely disgusted (because I wasn't in a bitter mood), I still felt a longing.

I don't mean to get all soppy but it's almost 1am and people usually are more emotional at this time. So I'm just acting out on a human instinct.

Energisers

The one thing that never fails to really hype me up is being with or talking to my close friends. I saw Claudia in the morning, met up with Amelia (because she still waits with me during my 2 hour break) and talked and laughed the whole time. Then talked with April on the phone when I got home. I have too much energy to go to sleep so I'm writing here. I don't have to wake up early tomorrow so I can stay up late.

I have nothing interesting to tell you today (do I ever?) so I'll just ramble for a bit. Speaking of close friends, I'd love to know what your close friends are like. Are they people that you met separately or are they all your childhood/uni/work friends? How often do you talk/meet with them? Do you usually meet in a group of separately? If you have any interesting friends stories, I'd love to hear them!

Work Update

I was re-reading some of my entries and I guess I should I should update you a bit on my work. I got to work with Peter. He is the managers' son and the first thing he did when he was working with me was tell me what to do. What is it with that family?! Do they go on some power trip from telling others what to do when it's not necessary. Especially that Peter isn't even a manager.

The new guy (who's my brother's age) is really nice. He always asks me if I need any help and he actually helps with all the boring stuff, which is really nice of him. Since I'm not the newest employee anymore, the managers got off my case a bit and now yell at the new boy. The husband boss even yelled at him in front of me. I mean this was after closing and the manager asked me to stay while he told off Jonathan and after he finished, he said that I could go. That was so cruel.

Last Thursday, when the managers weren't there in the morning, the other older employees were bitching about them so much. Yay, I'm not the only one that can't stand them! They were also saying that the wife and husband had a really big argument when I wasn't there and it got quite ugly. No wonder Mary (the wife) was saying nice things to me for no reason in particular. It was probably to get me to like her more than her husband. Maybe not but I choose to think that because I can't think of any other explanation for her strangely nice behaviour.

Strange Thoughts

Since I have no life this weekend, or should I say no social life because I'm not having such a bad time doing nothing after a long week of uni assignments and work, I'm going to write in here.

I'm not too good at articulating things so I'll be jumping from one topic to the other. I have difficulty in making my entries flow from one thing to the next. Hope it doesn't ruin reading my entries too much.

Anyway, I was going to say that sometimes before I go to sleep, I start thinking really strange thoughts like if, for example, April and Amelia, were falling off a cliff and I could only save one, which one would it be? I'm strange, I know. So I keep thinking of all the people that are really important to me and rank them in order of importance. Why the hell do I do that?! It really scares me, especially when I can't chose and I always make the choices really hard. At the top of my list is my Mum and Andrew. Choosing between them drives me crazy. I have to tell myself that it's very unlikely that I'd have to choose between them since it's very unlikely for them to be falling off a cliff while holding my hands. I'm so weird sometimes that I even scare myself.

When I was in year 5/6 and really didn't like my class, I'd daydream about the end of the world and that some force would tell me that I can choose 2 people to save and I imagined who that would be and the looks on my classmates faces when they weren't chosen.

I wonder if there's some deep unconscious psychological reason for these thoughts or if the part of my brain that controls my imagination has gone all weird. Probably both.

Does anyone else have any really strange thoughts that come out of nowhere?

Good vs Bad

I've borrowed "Chicken Soup For The Soul" because I've heard that it's good. It's a collection of apparently true inspirational stories. Although it's a bit setimental at times, it's still quite interesting. It's supposed to encourage faith in humanity which is good and all but it's a bit too mushy for my liking.

It actually made me think that if someone is unhappy with their life because he/she knows that it can be better, does that make them an optimist or a pessimist?

It reminds me of what my Dad said, "A pessimist says that life can't get any worse and an optimist says that yes it can".

I know there's too much cynicism in the world and a brighter outlook on life wouldn't hurt but why can't everyone just be realistic and realise that there is both good and bad. It's all balanced. Sure it'd be great if everything was great but it doesn't work that way. I wonder if it's possibe to eliminate the bad with time but I guess for that to happen, everyone has to agree about what's good.

My idea of good is when you can do whatever you want without hurting anyone else.

Guy And ?

This is a random thought but I wish there was a female equivalent of the word "guy". There's woman and man, boy and girl, and just guy. The reason I wish there was is so people could refer to females my age by that term. I know I'm not really a "girl" anymore but it's strange calling me a "woman".

Oh my God, I just remembered that Brittney Spears song "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman". God help me if that has any significance to my life!

Some of my friends were talking about this a few years back, but it didn't have that much significance to me back then because I didn't look older than my age and at 16/17, everyone referred to me as a girl. But now, especially in the bookshop (where I work), customers refer to me as a 'lady' which is almost an equivalent of 'woman'. At first it felt really strange but now I'm sort of used to it. Some people still call me 'girl' so I guess there's some sort of a balance.

Some people call females my age "chicks" but I absolutely can't stand it. I find it a bit degrading to compare girls with chicken. I know some girls actually like it and refer to other girls as "chicks" because they think it's a cute term but I don't find anything cute about it. How would a guy feel if people called him a "chick"? He'd probably find it funny at first but after a while, it'd get really annoying.

Does anyone have any suggestions what female equivalent of 'guy' should be?

What Is Beauty?

I found a very interesting website about 'beauty', called Beautycheck. It's interesting to know if beauty is the same to everyone or if it's in th eye of the beholder. The only thing (that I can think of) that the web site could've researched a bit more is how beauty is perceived in different nationalities. For example, is there a reason why I don't find Asian guys attractive? And why do Spanish people generally look so beautiful?

I was actually thinking about beauty since people started saying that Joanne from "Big Brother 3" is using her "beautiful" looks to play the game. (Personally, I think that if she hadn't a nice presonality to match, she wouldn't be able to use her looks.)

Why is it that beautiful people get paid out so much? They had as much influence in being good looking as 'ugly' people had a say in their looks. What's the difference between the two? 'Ugly' people get sympathy from the public while 'beautiful' people get bitchiness. Although some people might say that beautiful people have it much easier in life, I would disagree. They get judged so much and so much attention (or I guess I should say pressure) is put upon them to be happy. Is it because people feel intimidated by beautiful people and they try to find something wrong with them? And besides, being good looking doesn't guarantee you happiness because as cliche as it sounds "beauty is only skin deep". Personality is what really matters. I'm sure if you're intelligent this is nothing new but I just felt like talking about it.

(In the last paragraph, I had to generalise to express my feeling on the issue so don't go thinking that I feel like that about every single person.)

What are your thoughts and/or experiences on this 'beauty' issue?

No, I haven't died, if anyone's been wondering. It's weird that although I didn't have the internet for only a week, it feels forever. I have quite a few things to talk about but this is just a quick note to say that I haven't forgotten my blog.

A Stranger

Yesterday when I was walking to the station in pouring rain, a complete stranger offered me a lift. I never get into strangers' cars but I remembered my Mum getting a lift AGES ago so I assumed it was the same woman. Since I'm still alive, the woman must've been very nice. I'd never offer strangers lifts, even if it is pouring rain.

Has a complete stranger ever done anything really nice for you? Or have you gone out of your way to help someone you've never met before?

Lately I've been thinking how to make my life (and blog) more interesting and I thought that maybe every day, I should do something really nice for someone and for myself (as a reward). These nice things can't be too easy (especially the ones for myself). For example, taping a show for myself (or eg my brother) does not count.

I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now but I can't think of things to do. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Or maybe you can do the same.

Fabian Incident #104

You know that although I really can't stand Fabian, he gives me material to write in my blog. Is that good or bad? I guess he's good for something.

This is what happened yesterday.

Just before our tutorial, I heard Fabian say my name in French, so I wasn't sure if he was talking to me. After he said it again, I turned around and he said, "Hi [my name in French]. How are you?" I gave him a what-is-wrong-with-you?! look while replying, "Fine. How are you?" in a suitable tone.

He then, wheels his chair between Sophia and me. Sophia was looking uncomfortable (as expected in close proximity of Fabian). With his usual smirk on his face, he says to me, "This is what I love about...[trails off] If I say 'hi, how are you?' to you, you give me this look [tries to imitate my what-is-wrong-with-you?! look] as if 'why is Fabian saying hi to me?!'"

I was all defensive (I don't know why), saying, "I didn't do that." Then I realised that I did do that so I said, "You didn't say my name properly".

Fabian: It's French! [as if I didn't know]
me: I know, but this isn't France.
Fabian [leans forward and points at his head]: In my head, it's France!

I rolled my eyes, while Sophia giggled nervously. I turned to my computer, thinking that he'd go away, but does Fabian ever go away?!

Fabian: I had a friend in France who was called [my name in French]
me: I know, you told me.

He looks surprised that I remember but I always remember things like that.

Fabian: Well, she's not a friend anymore. More of an acquaintance.
me: That's nice.

Fabian: so [my name in English], how was your weekend?
me: fine, how was yours?
F: it was crap actually.
me: that's too bad.

As if I was going to ask him why it was crap. I didn't need to, he explained anyway.

F: I've really been missing [our tutor]

I just had to burst out laughing, didn't I?!! I couldn't even roll my eyes (which would've been appropriate). I hate how laughter just comes out of me at all the wrong times. He must've been satisfied because after that because he left. Or maybe it was just because our tutor came.

The first thing he asked her was, "What happened to the cute tutor next door?"

God, he's... I don't know what he is.

ATTENTION:
Anyone who has/had excruciating pain from gallstones, please let me know of any ways to lessen the pain or how to avoid it. Last night, I was going crazy from it, waking everyone up with weird sounds that were coming out of my mouth.

Actor Awards

What really puzzles me is why on award shows, the winners (who are actors) read their thank you speeches from a piece of paper. Can't they memorise 2 minutes of names (that they should know anyway)?

SARS

I haven't talked about this issue in my blog before but I do think a lot about it, especially when I'm with other people (eg. trains, uni). I have been getting a bit paranoid about it.

You know how everyone's been told that to avoid it, you have to wash your hands often? Think about it. It's not that simple. Imagine the following scenario:

1. You have the SARS virus on your hands.
2. You go to the bathroom to wash your hands.
3. You use your hands to turn on the tap.
4. The tap has the SARS virus.
5. You wash your hands off the SARS virus.
6. You use your hands to turn off the tap (which has the SARS virus on it).
7. You have the SARS virus on your hands.

The cycle continues.

I hope everyone knows that if you wash your hands, you have to turn the tap on/off using something other than your hands.

Who's Weird?

Amelia has been helping my group do an assignment for one of my classes. (Basically she's an actor in our film.) Today, when she wasn't there the other people in my group were talking about her and subtly saying how strange she was. This was right in front of me. I tried to change the subject because I didn't want to start an argument since we had to work together. I never got this protective of my friends before. I felt horrible that I introduced Amelia to the others and now they were making fun of her subtly. It really annoys me when some people classify others as 'weird'. I mean, what is weird? Everyone is different. I think that it's people's low self-esteem that makes them want to call others weird to make themselves feel better. Amelia is not 'weird', she is interesting and more fun than the rest of them put together.

Funny Findings

- If you never see the person who you lent $20, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Bad Luck

I saw Lara today (the girl from ODV that I assumed was really popular). It's weird how although she seems really different from me but we actually are similar in some ways. She is not the type of person that I usually find easy to talk to but for some reason, I had a really long and entertaining conversation with her.

Talking to her made me wonder that if she has a boyfriend, why don't I? She has such a similar social personality as me that it seems just bad luck for me not to find a boyfriend.

Intimate Details

I was watching "Felicity" today and noticed how open all the characters are. Although I do realise that it's fiction, I can't help but think that there must be some truth in it. Fiction doesn't come from nowhere, there has to be some basis for it (in this case, the writers' experiences). Anyway, I was thinking if anyone does tell their friends every little intimate detail of their lives to their friends, and even acquaintances? What's your opinion on this? Do you think it's ok to tell people everything or should some things stay private?

Party That I Won't Go To

There's a party next week at Christine's uni that she's taking a part in organising and I REALLY want to go to but not by myself, but as if April or Amelia will go! It sounds like lots of fun but I don't want to go if only Christine is going to be there and also, I'm not sure how I'm going to get there and back. How disappointing...

Did you know that rubbing your nails against each other apperently makes them grow faster?
- another piece of useless trivia, brought to you by Sky Space

Nate Replacement

Work was weird! The daughter manager was nice!!! I can't believe I used her and the word 'nice' in one sentence. Amazing! Also, the 'Nate replacement' most likely is the manager's son. I gathered this from a phone call which went as follows:

Ring ring
me: [long welcome intro that we have to say]... Sky speaking.
Peter: Oh hi Sky! It's Peter. [excitedly as if we're friends]
me: Hi
Peter: Hi. Can you get Mary [the wife manager] to call me on my mobile?
me: Sure. Does she have your number?
Peter: Oh, yeah!

The way he said 'oh yeah' was as if of course she had his number, she's his mother!

Anyway, I have to work with him next Sunday. Hopefully he won't boss me around like the rest of his family.

Feeling: Great!

Today was great.
- Fabian wasn't at uni.
- Talked to a pretty nice guy with whom I've never talked before.
- Had a really good chat with Sophia. Never thought that she'd be someone I can be close friends with.
- Talked quite a bit with a girl from one of my classes who is really nice.
- Jack ignored me.
- Got a sweet message from Amelia.
- Made people laugh (which gives me such a high feeling).

The 2nd best feeling in the world is being liked and accepted for yourself. The best feeling is being loved by RG but I've never experienced that so it doesn't really count.

I don't know why but cold weather makes me want a boyfriend more than anything.

Male Immaturity

Just came from (tutoring) work about 30 minutes ago. The girl's brothers or brother's friends (whoever they are) beeped at me when I was going to my car. (They were in their car, waiting for who knows what. They left as soon as I got in my car.) I usually don't tolerate this behaviour but for some reason I didn't care. I felt good. I'm an embarrassment to modern females. I'm sorry.

Before, when I was faced with male immaturity I got really annoyed and disgusted. I don't know what changed. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't feel good about what happend anymore.

It's In The Smile

Recently it has come to my attention that there are SOOO many different smiles and that the people you're closest with have the same type as yours. I always noticed that people smiled differently and their smiles reflected their personalities but now I noticed that people with similar smiles are most likely to be friends.

I noticed this when Nate smiled the same smile as me when I met him. I know I should stop thinking about him because I'll never see him again but I'm just using his as an example. Another good example is Nadine. Although her personality is so different from mine, she smiles almost the same as me.

If you're wondering, I'm not going crazy, babbling about this.

I am crazy, already.

Reason For The Tail

Animals have tails for assisting in balance and steering, propulsion, grasping, grooming (swatting flies is one example) and for display.

Tail Of A Person

I never knew people had tails. Did you? It's supposedly at the end of your spine and is completely useless. Now that I think about it, are humans the only species that have no visible tail? Why do animals have tails, anyway? I know kangaroos need them to jump but what about dogs or cats?

I'll go and try to find some information on the subject. Stay tuned.

TV

I got to watch "My Big Fat Greek Life" yesterday and it was a bit disappointing. I don't know why but I expected it to be better. First of all, why is Toula now called Nia and she still works at the restaurant? Isn't it supposed to be a continuation of the movie? The Aunt is the only interesting thing in the show.

I watched "Road Trip". It was completely gross and is just a teenage guy's fantasy. Some of the characters were creepy and would probably turn out to be in jail, especially the guy that almost ate the mouse. The genius druggie guy was really cute (apart from the sideburns).

No Chance

I will never see Nate again! He's been replaced. Can my life get any more unfair? (I know it can but I'm trying to be as dramatic as I feel.)

Apart from the new 16 year old, we've got another guy. When my manager introduced him to me, for some reason I thought he was her son and she was introducing him to be polite. I didn't realise he was going to work. Maybe it is her son. That would be just wonderful! As if three family members weren't enough. Maybe I am mistaken and it isn't her son. Please let me be mistaken!!!!!

I'm quite upset that I never had the chance to start a conversation with Nate. I keep reminding myself of that quote "Not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck" but I really don't see how me never even having the chance to get to know Nate is lucky. They could've at least found some guy who I might like! My life is pathetic, I know.

My Message Board Has Visitors!

Ok, I'm in a good mood now!!!

My message board is not lonely anymore, it's got posts!!! So if after your first time check of it has made you forget about it, you should check it again. I can't guarantee that it has anything exciting but since you are a person and supposed to be curious by nature, you should give it a visit and maybe even post something!

Surprise Encounter

Guess who I saw today!!! Mark!!!

I was having lunch with a few other people, waiting for Amelia when someone just sat down at out table. I looked up and to my utmost surprise saw Mark! Talk about things happening when you least expect them. I wasn't expecting that to happen at all! I seriously thought that I'd never see him again which was fine with me since I don't like him anyway.

I kept annoying myself by being really shy and saying really stupid things when he was there. Why the hell do I care what he thinks!!!

Amelia saw Fabian and agreed that she completely understands what I was talking about, in case you think I'm exaggerating his behaviour.

Amy (remember? the depressed girl) sent me and the others an e-mail about how she wants to catch up. As soon as I saw an email from her I became all anxious. I was so glad that I wasn't the only one that she sent the email to. I know I'm probably sounding mean but she makes me very anxious.

I just checked my mark for an assignment that I did the morning it was due and it's not too good. You're probably thinking that I got a bad mark because I've done it at the last minute but truthfully, even if I started earlier I still would've written the same thing because the whole subject is stupid and pointless and I don't get why I have to do it at all.

Anyway, I'm not in a very good mood now so I'll go.

The Guy Next Door

I wrote the following yesterday but couldn't connect to the net so I'm posting it today.

I’ve never mentioned that I have a very cute neighbour because in the 6 years that I’ve lived at my house, I’ve only seen him a few times and we never talked. When I’ve just moved in, I was so excited that I lived (almost) next door to such a cute guy and I always fantasised about being really good friends with him and always hanging out together (like I did with my neighbour when I was nine). I even wrote a story about that. (If anyone wants to read it, let me know and I’ll send it to you.)

Unfortunately that never happened and after about a year I didn’t mind anymore because I found out that he’s not my type at all. (His mother used to catch the same train as me and my Mum in the morning so that was my source of information, if anyone was wondering.) I also lost interest in him after our first meeting when I was going out and saw him in front of his house. As I walked towards him, I sort of looked at him, thinking he was going to say hello to which I would return the greeting. I even remember telling myself to say hi first but I was young then and didn’t want to be the first one to say hi. I know that was stupid and immature. So I ended up walking past him, while almost staring at him, in silence. He didn’t say hi but just stared back.

So why am I mentioning him now, out of nowhere? Well, it’s not really out of nowhere because obviously something had to happen for me to bring it up. Today, when I was walking home, he drove up to his house, right when I was checking the mail. I turned around to see him. I thought he was going to ignore me, but when he looked at me, I sort of waved and as I was mumbling hi, he said, “Hi, how’re ya going?” and actually waited for me to reply. Of course I didn’t reply because I thought his “how’re ya going” was just a greeting, not a real question. He sort of just smiled and went into his house.

I know I’m making way too big a deal out of it but I can’t help it. Although I’m not that interested in him, for some reason, I really want him to like me. It’s stupid, I know.

Well, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I feel better.

For any Australian who watch(ed) “Big Brother 3”, did you notice that Dan was in “Supermodel”?

I was proud of the writers of “Felicity” because just as I was going to complain that there are too many perfect guys in the show, they went and made Noel more real. I don’t even know any good looking guys like in “Felicity” so to make them have great personalities as well was just too much.

Hang on! I do know a good looking guy like in “Felicity” – Nate!!! Don’t know about his personality though. Speaking of Nate, I think I’m going to reach almost the extremes of disappointment because they’ve got a new guy who is apparently going to replace Nate before I see him again!!! It’s times like these that I believe in cosmic forces and that they’re having fun playing a cruel joke with my life.

I was a bit disappointed with “Gilmore Girls” because their conversations are so unrealistic and all characters talk in the same way. That’s April’s and my big problem with our show but even our show is not as bad. Also, Lorelai’s character was VERY annoying and the actress that plays Rory is too skinny. I think she’s worse than Calista Flockhart.

Keri Russell (the actress that plays Felicity) is very pretty in a non traditional way (which is the best way to be pretty), I noticed. I always thought that it would be great to look like Katie Holmes but she’s too tall. I also thought it’d be great to look like Natalie Portman but her hair is too thin. But looking like Keri Russell would be perfect. I know I should be happy with the way I look but it’s nice to choose what you want to look like.

Work

I have to go to work soon. I have the whole family of bosses working with me today! Joy!

TV Obsession and Broken VCR

My VCR finally completely broke. I asked my parents if we were going to get a new one and they said no because the old one has a guarantee to get it fixed for free. I don’t know how long that will take. How am I supposed to watch TV if I can’t tape the shows that I want to watch because they are always on at inconvenient times (when I’m not home). I know I fuss over TV shows too much.

Questions & Answers

If you’ve just started reading my blog, you can still answer the questions that I asked in the first entries. Just wanted to let you know that.

Constant Complaining

You've been warned!

Last day of holidays. Time is flying by so very fast. I'm going to finish uni soon.

Before uni started, I wrote a list of all the things that I predict will happen before I finish uni and I sealed it in an envelope so I won't open it before then. I tried to forget what I wrote so it'd be more fun to read later but I can't forget one thing. I wrote that by the end of uni, I will have at least 2 boyfriends. It seemed like a reasonable prediction. I guess not.

Anyway, Saturday should've been really great because all of my four closest friends could go out, but for some reason I didn't have that much fun. Maybe I imagined this but Christine seemed really distant to me the whole time, and so did Amelia. They probably weren't. It's just sometimes I can be ultra sensitive to every little tiny thing. Saturday was probably that time. I also kept panicking that I could get a really bad stomachache (because of my gallstones) so I didn't drink anything and I really wanted to try some stuff. That really annoyed me. It's not that I really like drinking, quite the opposite, but when everyone has drinks that I've never tried before, I get curious and want some too.

Also, the club that we went to had really bad music at the beginning which got only a bit better with time. This was a problem because since I had to get home before midnight, I kept getting irritated that we were just sitting around and not dancing. Also some guy decided to stub his cigarettes in the ash tray that was on our table.

I was surprised that Christine didn't bring her boyfriend, which was strange since she always drags him along. Actually, now that I think about it, she hasn't brought him along since our chat about the issue.

On Sunday I had to go to work in the morning. The boss on that day was the daughter. This is what I'm going to call my managers to distinguish between them without using their names. The husband, the wife and the daughter. The daughter was her usual bitchy self. I really can't stand her. Every time I do the right thing, she uses that as an example of why I should always do that and she says it as if I never do it. If I just confused you, I'll give you an example:

We were running out of receipt paper so I told her that. So instead of saying thank you or that she'll get some more or she'll show me how to put new paper in, she starts giving me a lecture on how I should always tell her when we're running out of receipt paper. What the hell!!! That's just what I did, you stupid woman! Of course I didn't say that but she was really making me furious because she always gives me those lectures as if I did something wrong.

That's not the only way that she shows her difficult personality but I won't submit you to any more examples of her rotten behaviour.

Instead I will bitch about channel 10. Yesterday, while I was at work being told off I was thinking about getting home and relaxing in front of the TV, watching "My Big Fat Greek Life". I was really looking forward to the show for about a week. I know this probably sounds nerdy but I have a deep kind of interest for TV shows (as people that read my whole journal would know, don't you). So I switched on the TV at 7pm and what do I see? The stupid "Big Brother 3" introduction which was supposed to be after "My Big Fat Greek Life". I don't know why but I was quite furious. I tried to make myself calm down because it was only a show, no big deal, but it was so disappointing. How could they just change the time?!

So while I was cursing in my head for channel 10 making such a big deal out of "Big Brother", I watched all of it. And to make it even worse, I enjoyed it! I'm so ashamed of this. And of course, I will watch it today too because I, like lots of ther people, are influenced my the media and love light entertainment which involves extroverted attention-seeking people humiliating themselves on public television.

Words Of Inspiration

I just wrote 7 pages for April and my show after weeks of nothing. I was meaning to write but just couldn't get up to it. What do you think motivated me to write so much in one day? A very short SMS from Amelia about a completely different matter. Just the way she wrote the SMS made me laugh out loud and sent me to the computer with full of inspiration. Not the inspiration from the SMS but the inspiration from the way Amelia can make me laugh with only a couple of words.

Dreaming Of Uni In The USA

or maybe just the uni that Felicity goes to.

I was just thinking about college/university life in the US and I was wondering if it's anything like it is on TV? Do most people live in dorms with roommates? Are there always social events that everyone goes to? What does the RA do? How long does it take to finish a degree? What's prep school? And how come people go to law school after college? Can't they do a law degree straight after school? I'm so interested. Maybe I should get a pen pal from the US to answer all my questions or you can just e-mail me :)

If college/uni life really is like it's on TV, I feel I'm missing out on something very fun. Does anyone else feel like this?

"TV Humour"

My new show to watch is "Felicity". I didn't really get into it the first time it was on TV but now I really like it. The style of it reminds me a bit of "Once and Again". I guess I'll have to tape it once uni starts again. I don't understand why channel 7 has to show it at 2pm in the afternoon when the show's target audience is not at home. Because channel 7 is stupid. Or I just don't get it.

I checked the net about the "Bachelor 2" couple and they've split. Sounds like Aaron cheated but I can't be sure. Now this sounds like reality. Maybe not the reality that I like but reality that is real.

I've started to watch "Passions" again, only because it's after "Felicity" and it's hilarious. Before it was just plain irritating because every scene lasted a few weeks at least and the show always had flashbacks which multiplied the repetition even more. Now they don't do that as much but they have the corniest lines. I'll give you an example:

A stupid 50 year old whines to his evil father (with no conscience) that he feels bad about killing his sister to which the evil old father replies, "Would you like cheese and crackers with that whine?"

I couldn't help but laugh. The joke is so stupid but it's impossible not to giggle. I also love how the resident witch refers to the evil as her "friends in the basement". What the hell?! The writers must have fun writing the script. They probably have a competition going on about who can write the worst jokes.

No Time To Be Sick

I have to have the stupid operation to take my gallbladder out. I seriously don't have the time for it because I'm supposed to have 2 weeks rest after it which means I can only have it in the winter holidays but the stupid surgeon is taking 2 weeks off then so be can be with his children (who also have holidays). I can't take 2 weeks off during uni. This sucks. I really don't need this. I just don't have time to be sick.

Escapism

I watched the "Bachelor 2" finale yesterday. It was too sickening. I'm sorry but I can't help being bitter. I refuse to believe that the show represents reality and real people. Do you know any real people like that? Maybe it's just America. I really liked Brooke but I guess she's not as well suited to Aaron as Helene. I wonder if they got married after all. I'm going to look them up on the net. I wish the "Bachelorette" was Brooke because she's so much more likeable than Trista.

"Gilmore Girls" is on next week! Yay! Another highly unrealistic show that I love. Like April said, people like shows like that because it's escapism. I don't care what it is but I want to live in them.

I've started a small list of practical things to do in order to find RG. I failed to do the first one already. I hope I have another opportunity to try it. Are you wondering what it was? It's nothing too exciting but I'll tell you anyway. My first (and only) two things on my list are:

1. Call Nadine and ask her to come and invite some guys on Saturday night. (I was hoping she got a boyfriend by now so she could invite his friends but when I called her today she didn't mention anything relating to that and there was no good opportunity to ask her.)
2. Next time when I'll work with Nate, start a conversation with him.

I told you they were pretty boring but it's something that I think I can accomplish. If you have any other ideas to add to my list, please let me know. I'll be very grateful.

Nadine is moving house. I'm so excited for her. She lived in the previous one for all the time that I knew her and it was something that significantly associated with her but now she's moving. It's weird. She said that she felt strange packing up all the things that made most of her life. It's funny how that sounds as if she is an old lady that lived there all her life. I wonder what it's like to move when you are really old. My grandparents moved country when they were over 70. That's amazing! But that's my grandparents. They are very strong people, even if I do say so myself.

Love Wreck

The title of this entry is as tacky as it should be.

I don’t know why I changed my usual radio station to 106.5 so I can listen to love song dedications. I haven’t listened to them for over a year (at least). They depressed me too much. But now, I can’t get enough. This is probably because I’m going completely crazy over my lack of boyfriend situation. Seriously, I’m becoming a complete emotional wreck and that’s something I never want to become. Oops, too late! I must snap out of it SOON! I doubt that will be happening.

Online Privacy

I can't believe that this blog is on Yahoo! Search and Google and other searches. I thought you had to submit the site for people being able to search for it there. I don't know if I'm too happy about that. I mean, it's nice for more people being able to find and read it but there's more of a chance of someone that I know reading it. I blocked the IP addresses of people that I don't want seeing it but I don't know if that will work because when I put April's IP address into a search engine, it came up as someone else'e name, not hers. What does that mean?

There are also some people that I don't want reading this who's IP addresses I don't know so I can be pretty paranoid about that. Another HUGE problem is that my Dad noticed me reading my own blog. I don't know if he realised that it was mine but he did comment on the title. And I can't block his IP address because it's the same as mine. I hope he forgot about it and dismissed it as just another webpage that I was looking through. I mean, if he wanted, he could find the address, just typing in the title into a search engine. I would be so extremely embarrassed.

When I started this blog, I knew there was a possibility of someone I know reading this and recognising me but the possibility of that was too small to outweigh the benefits of me having the blog. But now, I don't know. I really like writing here for people that I don't know to read but this is not something I want my family or friends knowing about.

2nd Best Thing After RG

April is my star/soul sister. I don't remember where I've heard that term, probably some European movie. A star sister is when another person (that's not related) is almost the same as you. When that person has an almost exact genetic personality make-up as you i.e. you don't have to look alike but you think the same.

I've spent Saturday evening at April's house and we had a conversation that before I didn't dream of having with anyone except with Nadine. I love having deep and meaningful conversations with people because you find out so much about them that you never knew for sure before. Although I want to tell you what she said but I won't. It's not my place. I just know that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do about different issues and that's nice to know.

I was feeling pretty bad about not having RG so I thought that being with a close friend would take my mind off it because I thought we would talk about really unimportant stuff because I wasn't in the mood for any intense discussions. But it's weird that when we were talking, we gradually started chatting about things that really mattered and I didn't mind. I was very interested in what April had to say.

I felt so grown-up talking about adult stuff while drinking tea. I could imagine us being 90 years old and still talking like that and drinking tea because isn't what old ladies do? Also, since her parents weren't there, it felt like I was visiting April at her own flat. Whereas before we used to talk about the past a lot, yesterday we talked about the future. Where we would be, what it'd be like etc.

I'm so lucky to have friends like that. I don't know what I would do without them.

Birthday Party, Unexpected Future Visit, Friends

I’ve just came back from my cousin’s (Jenna) birthday party. She turned four.

My aunt, Naomi (Jenna’s Mum), Jeanne (a close family friend), Aunt Jemma (Naomi’s Mum) and my Mum were talking in great detail about what my relatives always talk about at birthdays – pregnancy and labour. Since Jeanne is pregnant with her first child, the others felt a great need to divulge every little piece of information that concerns being in labour and straight afterwards. Apart from being completely grossed out and rethinking my wish to have children, I actually learnt some things. I’m not going to say what because if I do I’m sure you wouldn’t want to read my blog ever again.

Being around family always makes me feel the same – depressed about not having a partner. What else is new.

While I was there, I thought of Nate. I don’t know why. Probably because he’s the only guy that I have hope to go out with.

I’m going to April’s house tomorrow night. I haven’t seen her for ages. I wanted to go out with the others as well tomorrow because lots of my parents’ friends are coming over and I didn’t want to be there. Unfortunately, Amelia, Claudia and Christine are going to a concert.

I didn’t know that Talia and Judy were planning on coming with their parents. Talia’s Mum told mine that they (Talia and Judy) wanted to see me. If they did, why didn’t they tell me anything about it? I didn’t expect them to come with their parents like they did when they were little. I wouldn’t mind seeing them but it won’t be fair to April to cancel at the last moment. They won’t be coming anymore since I won’t be here.

I wish April lived close by so I could stay at her house for longer.

I should call Nadine soon ‘cause I haven’t for a while. I hope she’s not mad at me for that. I saw her ‘best friend’ Kirsten yesterday. She dislocated her shoulder so we talked a bit about that and that was it. I also saw Jacqui. I also talked to guys a lot yesterday. In case you’re wondering, Fabian wasn’t one of them, thankfully. This reminds me to tell you that Fabian was entertaining the whole class on Tuesday by openly flirting with our tutor. Maybe he realised that since he can’t flirt with the good looking one next door, our one would have to do. She was pretty good about it. He defines tackiness. I’ll give you an example:

Tutor enters the classroom.
Tutor: It’s so hot here.
Fabian: No, that’s just me.

Another example:

After explaining about relationships between different concepts, the tutor asks what the relationship was (between two different things). Fabian answers with, “I don’t know. I don’t have a girlfriend”. Of course you don’t. The only relationship that you have is with yourself, and everyone knows how loving that relationship is.

Do you know anyone like him? Tell me about him/her. People like that entertain me as long as they don’t bother me.

Anyway, Lauren said that we should meet up in the holidays. I fully agree. I just have to think of something to do or somewhere to go. It’s not like with my friends where we can just agree to meet up for no reason. With new friendships, you have to plan what to do. It’d be really good if everyone could be close friends straight away but nothing except time can cement strong friendships.

Crush

I've met THE cutest guy today!!! It was so long since I've had a crush on anyone that I forgot what it felt like. I don't want to get my hopes up but it's so hard not to think about him.

Where do you think I've met him? Uni? No. Work? Yes! I knew there was only one guy who works at the shop (apart from the boss) but I didn't expect him to be anything like he is! Sure, I hoped I'd like him but I always hope that about all the guys that I meet.

I can't believe that I can't stop thinking about him. He probably has a girlfriend for all I know! The worst thing is that I won't see him for almost a month (at least!) because Thursday night is the only time where our rosters coincide. And it's only for 45 minutes.

Also, after last Thursday (that I worked) I wasn't even sure that Nate worked there anymore. I remember being really anxious to see who the guy was, thinking that to my bad luck he'll probably be too old, too young or just too wrong for me. Today was a very nice surprise! Although these sort of good things are bad in a way that they make me really excited at first and then follow with disappointment. The worst, of course, is the waiting time when nothing happens although a lot happens in my head.

I should know that crushes are bad bad bad but I need to be reminded all the time because I forget that really easily.

My Future Entry In The Guiness Book Of Records

Yesterday my parents were happily talking about their coming up 20 year anniversary while I was there and Mum said to me, "When I was your age, I really worried about not ever finding someone and look at me now." Dad was all smiling and I thought to myself, "If only I would be so lucky". [Now I got that Kylie MInogue song in my head but that's beside the point.]

A few days before she started asking me about guys again. (She hasn't done that in a while.) She was really careful though and just started saying that Judy has got a boyfriend that cooks. It's weird to think of Judy with a boyfriend. The only time we've been friends was when we were the only twelve year olds that still liked to play with Barbie dolls. After that she changed her personality drastically on average once a year. First she really got into Japanese cartoons. Then she decided to become a mechanic because she couldn't be a race car driver. People who didn't know her used to think that she was a boy. She looked, walked and acted like one. It was really strange to see her like that after knowing a really girly girl who played with dolls and liked unicorns. The last time I saw her was at the beginning of this year because she is at the same uni as me now. She looked 'normal'. Kind of grown up (especially that I haven't seen her before then for about 3/4 years). It's hard to imagine her with a boyfriend now.

Everyone is getting one except me. Maybe I'll make the Guiness Book of Records for never having a boyfriend all my life. I really wonder if I'm the only one like that.

I Miss...

I miss being a kid. I haven't thought about it for a while but after I watched "Lizzie McGuire" today, I felt a bit nostalgic.

I miss being able to really enjoy TV shows with kids in them, no matter how bad they are. Also, I don't watch as many cartoons as I'd like to. I also miss being able to walk into Toys'R'Us and plan what to ask for Christmas/birthday and know that I'll enjoy it for more than 5 minutes. I also miss making up and playing games in which you could be anything you want to. I miss being able to go have crushes on celebrities while knowing that you'd never even meet them. I miss feeling everything magnified because it's all new. I miss filling up with excitement when thinking about high school and then uni. I miss hoping that something really great might happen soon and knowing that the best times are yet to come. I miss the fun of childhood.

Although, like I probably mentioned before, I don't want to grow up, my life has been improving with every year but some things I'll never not miss about being a kid.

Underground Adventure

I had a very fun morning today! We went to the Fine Arts College to the underground tunnels. The other four girls were so scared. I didn't understand what was so scary. It was just dark and isolated and something like you'd see in movies (eg. the underground tunnels in Harry Potter). I was so excited to be there and explored as much as possible (to the surprise of others who were all clinging to each other). One girl also kept shrieking at the sight of her own shadow, which was a bit too much. I was quite disappointed that they weren't as excited as me about the whole place. I wanted to stay for heaps longer to wander around. I love stuff like that!

Blow Your Breath Away
The tutorial after my little adventure wasn't as good. I was sitting in front of Fabian and not paying any attention to him, thinking that he got over annoying me but he just had to do something. There I was, actually paying attention when I felt a strong breath on the back of my neck. I got annoyed at Fabian for sighing so strongly but dismissed it as him just being ignorant of anyone around him. I moved a bit forward, away from him. Then he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Just kidding!"

So he did it on purpose!!! He intentionally breathed as much as possible on the back of my head and neck. If only his breath stank, then I'm sure he would've really regretted his action. I know that he wanted some reaction so I just ignored him. He completely broke my concentration because I was so annoyed and couldn't stop thinking why he has to get on my nerves so much and how I can get him to stop. Since I couldn't answer that, I resolved to imagine him choking just because he ran out of breath when he blew on me. This was of course in a cartoonish Ally McBeal fashion. That made me feel better and I resumed paying attention to the boring lecture with an up-himself lecturer.

Justin

When I came to uni early today, I had to talk to Justin. He is the weirdest guy and I used to tell my (school) friends amusing things that he's done last year. They'd crack up laughing just by what I told them and recollections of events are never as funny as when they actually occur. The wierd thing is that for the life of me I cannot remember all those funny events that happened. I don't know why but this year he sort of stayed in the background (which is why I haven't mentioned him).

Anyway, I haven't talked to him for ages so today I was surprised that he sounded quite normal, except that when I talked, he'd move to my left side and then when he talked he'd move in front of me again. He kept doing that for about 10 minutes. Strange.

Work Problems

I got told off at work today, again. I was waiting at the counter for customers because my manager said that there has to be someone at the register at all times. He comes up and says, "No no no! We never stand around and do nothing! Go and check on the sale tables!" I, then, calmly replied, "But there won't be anyone at the register." He got all fidgety and said, "Just check on the tables."

He contradicts himself all the time and I get in trouble for it. Also, since the shop is also run by his wife and daughter, it makes it even harder for me because not only do they contradict themselves, they contradict each other.

Personally, I don't understand how you can work with your family members. It would get so frustrating at home if something goes wrong at work. It'd be much nicer (and easier) to leave work problems at work but that would be impossible if the problem people at work come home with you. What do you, guys, think about this issue (ie working with family members)?

A Thought

A thought just came to my head: what do people think about when they are on trains or buses? I'm eagerly waiting for your answers. If you don't want to e-mail, you can post it on my message board! As you know, I REALLY REALLY want someone to post on my message board. I was contemplating on posting on it myself but I don't want to if no one else will reply. I was also meaning to make a comments window that most bloggers have. It's easier for readers to post on that, rather than e-mail.

Wasting Time

I have heaps of work to do but I have to go to work in a couple of hours so I don't have time to do much now. And this is a great time waster. I don't really have too much to write about so I'll just ramble on about random things.

Remember when on March 18, I wrote about Jack forgetting something and me refusing to let him borrow mine? Well, yesterday I forgot the exact same thing. I realised this on the train and spent the rest of my train journey planning how to ask someone else to borrow theirs without Jack hearing it. I also then imagined how horrible it'd be if the person I was planning on asking wouldn't let me borrow theirs. Karma probably comes to mind. But if Jack asked me again, I still wouldn't let him borrow mine. It all turned out well for me because Bill lent me his without hesitation. And Jack didn't even come to class. How lucky for me.

When I met Amelia (as I usually do now), I was made to realise again what an extremely nice person she is. She was rewriting her lecture notes so her friends (that weren't there) would be able to understand them. And let me tell you, her original notes were pretty clear to me. I would never do that. I just wouldn't be bothered. But then again, I'm lazy. When people (like her) do such nice things, it really motivates me to be really nice to that person.

I also saw Amelia's stalker. I've never even talked to him and he already gives me the creeps. Now I really understand why even the thought of him made Amelia queasy.

At the tutorial (the one with Fabian), there was this smart-arse guy who kept talking back to the tutor. It's good that the tutor is pretty strong and has a sense of humour. At least it made the tutorial more entertaining. Fabian was trying to join in (because he was obviously 'a bit' jealous of the attention) but it wasn't working too well. That was kinda funny.

He doesn't bother me anymore, thankfully, so now I can just laugh at him. Whereas before when he did annoy me, I just got really irritated and couldn't find anything about him to laugh about.

I had to tutor today. The girl that I tutor is so different from the one that I tutored before. It's almost impossible to make her smile. And I don't know how many brothers she has but there were always guys coming into the kitchen (where the lesson is) opening the fridge for 5 minutes and not taking anything out. I swear they were probably listening to what I was saying (which wasn't that interesting).

Not Fat And Not 50

Guess what, everyone?! I've got gallstones. Isn't that just wonderful. Especially that I'm about 20 years too young for it and don't fit any other causes (being overweight, had children early, have been using birth control pills for a long time or have fluctuating weight).

The doctor said that the gall bladder doesn't really have a function but that's not what the internet says. The gall bladder processes fat. I don't call that a 'useless' function.

At first the thing that worried me most about the operation (that I'm supposed to have) is having a huge scar but now with improved technology, the doctors don't even cut you up. But now the thing that worries me (apart from getting even worse pains that one person on the net said that they've got) is not being able to lose weight even if I'll eat healthy.

So I'll have to have a healthy diet and become fat anyway. How depressing is that!

If anyone else had this condition, I'd love to hear from you. Also, does anyone know any chat rooms that talk about this condition? I tried to look for some but to no avail.

Talking To Strangers

I feel like writing something so I'll tell you about an incident at my job (the book shop one).

A was helping a woman pick out a book for her grandson and she went into a long story about the boy's life. It was so sad and personal and private that I didn't know what to do. I don't understand how people can tell such personal stories to complete strangers. It was basically about how the boy's mother doesn't want him and her new husband emotionally abuses him so he clings to her (the grandmother). The boy also thinks it's his fault that his parents broke up and his school work is sufferring. He is 7 but can't read. I just felt so sorry for the whole family. But what can I say? Maybe the woman just wanted to talk to someone. I hope it helped.

This wasn't the first time. Customers tells me so much and I only worked there for a week. It's good that I like talking to people because otherwise I'd go crazy.

I'm not sure if the manager likes me though.

Little Chat

I talked to my (maternal) grandma (the one that lives overseas) on the phone today. I haven't talked to her in months, although my Mum talks to her every week. I don't know why but although we are pretty close, I have nothing to say to her on the phone. I mean, what can I say when I haven't seen her in God knows how long.

Today was especially uncomfortable because she started asking me about guys. I was, like, "they're fine". She then goes, "Maybe I should send you some from here". And I replied a bit too suddenly, "No, don't". Well, there goes my try at making the whole topic casual. Then she was saying (probably more to comfort herself), "it's not time for guys yet, is it". I said, "Nah". I think she's worried about my lack of boyfriends, like my Mum (who doesn't approach the subject anymore). I'm already worried enough about it as it is, I don't need everyone making a fuss.

Am I the only one with this problem?

One of the main reasons for this blog was to make my problems not seem so unique but since no one answers my questions, maybe they are.

Something New On Tuesday

Guess what?! Yesterday was the first Tuesday that Fabian didn't bother me! Isn't it amazing?! I think he was more worried about changing tutorials so he could have the 'cute' (in his opinion) tutor. He is so superficial.

Yesterday morning, I got to talk to a guy that I've seen around. He was pretty cool but on the ugly side. I know I'm the one who's sounding superficial now but looks do matter (no matter what anyone says). You don't have to be good looking to be attractive but you have to have something . When I was younger, I really believed that looks don't matter. Even in preschool I was the one that stood up for the 'fat' kid because I liked playing with her. And since I'm not exactly good looking, I should understand. However, this doesn't stop me from not 'liking' the guy because of his looks, even if his personality seems great.

I am such a hypocrite because I wouldn't want a guy to not 'like' me just because of my looks but I can't 'like' a guy because of his.

The Words Of Desperation

I couldn't connect to Blogger for some reason on Sunday after my whole entry got deleted so I wrote another one. Here it is.

My whole entry just got deleted. Wonderful. I don’t feel like rewriting it which is too bad ‘cause I wrote a few good sentences. I can’t repeat them now, though, because out of context they don’t sound as good.

In summary:
* grandparents came over for dinner which made me think that everyone in my family has good marriages and I’ll be the only one that’s single for life (which isn’t a new thought but since my brother is sick of hearing it, I’ll write it here; if you don’t want to read this, don’t).
* my life is great which makes me want RG even more because when my life is not so great, I’m not in the mood to care.
* Any suggestions to meet RG ‘naturally’ i.e. not online or anything like that?