Want For Validation

Want For Validation

I love how people hint for compliments. It makes me smile, wondering if anyone else notices.

I do it too which is why I guess I notice when other people do it.

Example:

After trying some top/jeans in a change room.

me: I think this makes me look fat
[in my head: I look good, tell me you agree]
Mum (usually): I don't even want to hear it
me: so it's all right?
[in my head: just say it looks good]
Mum: it looks great!
[in my head: thank you!]

By the way, I don't do this all the time. And if something looks bad, I don't even bother asking for an opinion.

Anyway, I noticed that guys do this A LOT. Like a small comment saying someone looks cute will follow you all the time with that guy reminding you that you think he looked cute at one point or saying how I don't like how guys gel their hair will make some guys totally stop doing it (an incident that happened at uni).

I heard/read somewhere that one of human's basic wants is to feel accepted and validated that they are a good person. When people show these hints, on one hand I know they do it because of insecurity but on the other there's something comforting about it.

Karma?

Remember how I mentioned being snobby to a guy I didn't particularly like last weekend? Well, now he's being snobby to me. Only my snobbiness involved not starting any conversations with him but his snobbiness involved leaving me out. Not nice.

He invited everyone to a party tonight except me. And by everyone I mean Elaine. Before when he used to invite my brother to go out, I couldn't care less 'cause he's my brother's age and I don't hang out with my brother's friends. But now he invited Elaine so I'm taking this personally.

It's some party for POBian people so it would've been interesting to meet new people from POB. I guess I could've turned up...

Oh well, too late now. It'll probably just be his idiot friends anyway. So hmph!

Same Life

April and I are always at the same stage in our lives.

We were born a few days apart. We moved to Australia at around the same time. We both went to private primary schools. We both went to the same high school. We both had similar marks. We both wanted to have the same career. We both didn't get to do that career. We both never had a proper relationship. We both got a casual job at the same company (coincidentally). Our life events are beyond coincidence.

So this week, we were supposed to find out if she was going to stay at uni for another few years doing a post-grad course while I join the workforce. We were convinced she was going to get into the course that she wanted but surprisingly she didn't so she's yet again at the same stage as me.

It's quite freaky.

Max Obsession Resurfacing

Time doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow stupid.

I've been checking my email every 5 minutes, wanting an email from him. Only last week, I was happy never to speak to him again.

I have the shortest memory. I forget everything I don't want to remember.

My Teeth Thinking

My thought process in the last few days:

[After drinking water]
Ouch, my tooth just hurt.

[After eating something]
There it goes again! I hope it's not a hole.

Of course it's a hole, why else would my tooth hurt when I eat or drink something.

[After some tongue exploration]
I don't feel any holes. Must be the wisdom tooth giving off pain in my other tooth, like last time.

No, can't be, 'cause it's always happening after eating/drinking, especially something cold. Could be a hole inside my tooth.

Maybe it'll go away.

Why isn't it going away?! It's getting worse!

Noooo, I don't want to go to the dentist. Dentists are evil!

Will call the dentist tomorrow morning.

[About to call the dentist]
Well, it's not hurting right now so no need to hurry.

I'm not eating! Of course it's not hurting right now!

Ok, I just won't eat anything.

I seriously have the worst fear of dentists. Just the thought of the drilling sound freaks me out.

Re: Max

Sometimes it's hard to believe that Max is still present in my life. More like semi or even quarter-present (if not less), but anyway.

Sometimes I don't ever want to talk to him and other times I have nothing better to do. I look at the whole thing as such a game. I remember AGES ago when I told him that, he got really offended so I just don't mention it anymore.

In his latest email, he said something witty and funny and for a moment I totally forgot why I didn't like him. I have the biggest weakness for guys with a sense of humour. Give me a guy who can make me laugh and I'm in love. (Ok, that was a bit of an exaggeration but I had to make my point.)

Sigh.

In other news, I've started to ignore Tim whenever he's online. I think it's because I'm scared he might start to like me more than I like him. So dumb. My brain works in ways even I don't understand. Like I've told April, there's no limit to my craziness. I always find ways to act more insane.

In my last conversation with April, I've realised that I'm a commitment phobic and don't even know it. Because as soon as I think someone likes me, I start backing off (unconsciously). And I'm also ego-centric because I think guys like me more than they really do.

So basically I'm a ego-centric commitment phobic. Or as April put it - "A guy".

Sympathy

I've read an interesting article about how people feel worse for the victims of natural catastrophes than for people-inflicted ones. I've actually felt the complete opposite.

There is no denying that any catastrophe where people suffer is horrible but I always feel so much worse for the ones that were made by people because I feel that people have control of their actions and it's just tragic when they use that control to destroy other people's lives, whereas no one can really do much about natural disasters.

The Deeper Connection

Today I slept way too much. I'm feeling kinda blah. Probably the weather again. It's always the weather's fault.

Who wants to know what I did yesterday? It's nothing exciting but I'll tell you anyway.

My Mum insisted on having a family get-together for my brother's birthday. Since to my brother extra parties equals extra presents, he had no problem with it.

I couldn't avoid this (like I avoid all similar gatherings) because I had to keep my brother company since most guests were my uncles and aunties with little kids. My Mum invited some other family friends to make things more interesting.

I was put to my usual job at these sorts of things - entertaining the kids. I didn't really mind since most of the time they are the ones entertaining me. Later, when Elaine came with her family (who are friends with all my relatives), it was more fun for me. The only other guy who was Andy's age didn't even talk to Andy much. I was being a bit snobby to that guy because of the stories Andy told me about him when he went out with him and his friends. His Mum was all right though and I talked with her for quite a bit. I find it so much easier to talk with adults now that I'm becoming an adult myself. It's kinda odd a bit still though 'cause it's new for me to talk to someone who's at least 20 years older than me on the same (or almost the same) level.

Later another family who I've never met came. My Mum wanted to introduce me and my brother to the family's kids for ages now. The girl is a bit younger than my brother and the guy is about 1 1/2 years younger than me. Trust my luck for him to be so my type. He was kinda small which made him look young but if I was younger than him, I would so go for him. He was obviously very intelligent, had a sense of humour, sweet, deep eyes... Ok, I'll stop making myself feel worse. He was a bit on the nerdy side but that doesn't bother me.

Elaine suggested we invite them and the other guy out so we did. The girl even cancelled her other plans so she could come with us! The other guy ended up not coming so it was just the brother and sister, Elaine, me and Andy. First time I actually went out with my brother! It was an odd group to go out with but I like this kind of variety. Especially having new interesting people to talk to. Elaine became totally hyper since there were so many people she could converse with in POBian. She wouldn't shut up. But it was great 'cause I love hanging out with her (as I've said lots of times before).

It was such a different atmosphere because being born in the same place and having been brought up in similar ways really bonds people a lot faster. And unlike usually when I go out with my usual friends and want to meet new people, last night I was totally content chatting with the people I was actually with.

The guy was mainly chatting with Elaine and me since his sister was busy chatting up my brother. Unlike the guy, the sister was very social and outgoing so she quickly took what she wanted (Andy) and walked ahead of us. So the guy, Elaine and I were talking together. It was so easy to relate to the guy since he's also from POB but grew up here so we were talking about the differences of living there and here. Not something I can really chat about with my school friends.

Caught the train back home, not by myself like I usually do but with Elaine and Andy. Andy decided to go to sleep but I had to make myself stay awake so I could talk with Elaine (who did not seem even a little tired). She'll be leaving in a week which is kinda sad 'cause I love talking with her. It's not often you meet people who you have that connection that you have with really close friends. Last time I met people like that was in high school. Unfortunately there weren't any at uni.

As I've realised there's a very big difference between friends (with whom you can still hang out and have a good time) and close friends (with whom you can just share about anything) and the latter are much harder to find.

In Search of a Job

It feels so weird not to have uni to look forward to anymore. It's like I don't have much of a purpose to my days anymore.

The job hunting hasn't been very successful. I'm even applying for jobs I know I have no chance in since I've got nothing to lose. I'm thinking of doing a short course to learn all the programs that lots of companies want me to be proficient in.

The guy for whom I've done the logo and website layouts isn't getting back to me and he was supposed to be back from his holidays last week. If he doesn't like what I've done, he could at least let me know.

Since there's so much more to write about my trip, I will just write a compressed version:

San Francisco

Fell in love with San Francisco at first sight. Stopped at Pier 39 which was supposed to be a tourist trap but it was a beatiful tourist trap. Every store felt cosy and old-fashioned. If you go there, you must try the clam chowder which is a potato tasting thick soup in a bowl made out of sourdough bread. Absolutely delicious! I loved being able to eat the plate!

Stayed in some hotel in a shady part of town. Wanted to go out somewhere with Lauren but she didn't feel like it. Wished Tim would come and hang out with us but I have no idea where he is.

Getting Sick

Went on a city excursion. Tim came with us. We took a ferry to the bridge and I dragged Lauren to the top (even though it was freezing) because I didn't want to miss the views from the bay. Tim was shaking so much 'cause he didn't bring a jacket so I asked him if he wanted to go inside. He said yeah but when he realised that I wasn't going in with him, he stayed.

He was saying how he didn't want to go on the (optional) tour outings anymore and he canceled one of them, even though yesterday he was asking why we weren't going. I think he just wants to hang out with us which makes me feel great.

As soon as we got off the ferry, I started to feel really sick. All I could think of was finding the nearest bathroom 'cause my stomach was twisting. I was so annoyed that I was wasting such good time to chat with Tim.

After our excursion, Tim was supposed to go his way but he 'missed' his stop and came with us. We went to have lunch at some fast food place. First thing I did was run to the bathroom for the 100th time today.

When I got back, Tim asked how I was feeling. Lauren must've mentioned my stomachache. After lunch, Tim took me to the nearest pharmacy and found some tablets for me. When I read what they were for, I was so embarrassed that he realised what sort of stomachache I had. He compared all the different ones for me which was really nice of him. He, then, acted like such a nurse and told me to drink lots of water and how I should take the medicine. It was really sweet. He so reminded me of the nurse I had when I had my gall bladder operation.

Feeling Better

First thing Tim asked me today was if I was feeling better and if the tablets helped. I said that they did and he looked pleased and said, "I told you!" He then went on to insult Kara's Flowers by saying it was "girly shit".

At dinner, I was sitting with Lauren and Tim. I noticed that for once I wasn't in the large group of girls. For a moment I felt left-out that I wasn't a part of the all-girls group because I'm so used to being in one. But that moment quickly passed.

After dinner, we were all supposed to go out but Lauren said she was sick and didn't want to. I was fine with going with Tim until he mentioned the very expensive taxi fare back which put me off going. When I said, that I didn't want to go then, he got all grumpy and wouldn't say anything except some annoying comments. He kept saying how he didn't want to go by himself which was dumb because he had his sister who he could've asked to come. You can't just rely on people you don't even know.

After a while, he offerred to pay my taxi fare just so I'd go. I asked him if he was sure 'cause it was expensive and he said he was. I felt kinda guilty but hey, he offerred! (I ended up paying my share anyway.)

When we were standing in line to get in, the self-conscious Scottish guy from before started talking to me. Tim just ignored us. I think he was annoyed that he offerred to pay for me. The Scottish guy kept talking to me all through the night. He had no sense of humour. Every time I would say something not-seriously or sarcastically, he would take it to heart. For example, when I sank a few balls on the pool table in a row after numerous misses, and I said that it was just random, he told me not to be so modest and that I was really very good and not to put myself down. I was just being light-hearted but he gave me a whole talk on how good I was (forgetting how many times I missed). Tim also stopped ignoring me so I knew he wasn't mad anymore.

When my winning streak stopped and the guys asked me what happened, I said I was doing it on purpose to let them get ahead and while Tim was like "Woo!", the Scottish guy was really taken aback and said, "Oh my, you're so unlady-like!" I had to force myself not to laugh. What century was this guy from?!

After The Tour

I was quite sad about the tour ending but what I didn't expect was for Tim to still hang out with us. He and his sister were staying near us so for the next few days (until their departure), Tim followed us like on a leash, even to places I knew he didn't really want to go.

During these days I found a lot more about him that I wish wasn't true. Like how naive he was about talking to random strangers who came up to ask for money. How much he manipulated his parents to give him money. How he had a whole 'hero' complex where he loves it when he's able to help someone who's not feeling their best and becomes all soft and caring, but if he's not needed to take care of anyone, he can get really grumpy. It'd be nice if he could be just as sweet when people didn't need any help.

My Perfect Career

We saw a TV show being made. I was in wonderland. Watching the whole process only confirmed that being a part of the crew would be my dream job. If only I actually wanted to live in America. I'd never move there by myself, only if I was married, and only for a little while. I always feel that Australia is the best place on Earth to live in.

Ok, I'm starting to realise that even my compressed version is turning out to be quite long so I'll stop here for now.

Ripped Off

The tutoring agency that I'm in is totally ripping me off!

They called me to tell me that if I want to rejoin them, I have to pay $22 to cover 'insurance' if I break something in the student's house. I've been tutoring for 3 years now and I've never broken anything. I don't even remember when I ever broke anything in anyone's house.

I was going to tell them to stuff their $22 if I wasn't unemployed now. And if I don't pay, I can't tutor the girl who I promised last year I would because the mother said she didn't want anyone else. Also, I was told that Aidan's Mum wants me to tutor her younger son.

I wasn't even planning on tutoring anyone anymore because I need a full-time job but I can't say no to the mother of the girl who wasted half of her term fees because I left to America since I told her I'd continue next year. And I feel really touched that Aidan's mother wants me to tutor her other son so I don't want to say no. Especially since I have no guarantee that I will find a proper job anytime soon.

I guess I could risk not joining them and losing all my students in the hope that I will be fully employed soon but with the rate I'm going, I don't think it'll happen. So I need any money I can get.

And another thing that frustrates me is how the agency has to take the earnings from my first lesson, even though the students pay them fees. Why should I work for free?

And they have the nerve to get angry at me because I didn't answer my phone while I was in America, even though I called to let them know before I left. Ugh.

Now, I'm not sure what I should do because if I do find a job halfway through my tutoring term, I would've wasted more money than I would've earned. And I don't want to disappoint any kids (and parents) by not gracing them with my presence.

A Little Piece

Last night was great, not counting the language barrier between Amelia and Elaine so I could only talk to one of them at a time. I tried to balance my conversations so no one felt left out but it was hard.

We went to a place which had free live music and a great crowd (i.e. not totally off the face intoxicated). Danced the night away. One guy tried to dance with all of us but Elaine would just smile and look away. Then later, when the three of us weren't in a circle anymore, but more in a line, the same guy came up to Elaine and started twirling her and dancing with her and she was totally into it. Amelia and I were looking at her, totally surprised. Then the guy tried talking to her and to our even bigger surprise, she was talking back to him! Amelia said that in these situations (where anyone can barely hear anyone) language wasn't important. About 5 minutes later, they were trying to talk through me. Maybe I should get a job as a translator.

Later, when Elaine and I were catching the train back (since she lives about 5 minutes away from me) and were talking, I started to feel nostagic again. I remember the same thing happened when she was here last year.

Every time I talk to people from POB, I just feel like they're 'my people' (if that makes sense). Maybe it's some sort of instinct. Just makes me think that if my family never moved to Australia, I would have friends like her now. I think it's that combination of deep-thinking seriousness, easy-going warm nature and humour that I love. Or maybe it's something else that I can't pin-point.

Maybe people who weren't born in the country where they mainly grew up would understand. Because I'll always call Australia my home because everything in my life is here, but there's still just a little piece that feels out of place.

The Most Irritating Thing

I figured out the thing that irriates me above all else. It drives me absolutely crazy when people cancel at the last minute. ARGH!!!

I don't have as much of a problem if a person says they don't want to or can't do something when I ask them, rather than say yes and then a few hours before, say that they've changed their minds.

Amelia and I were planning on going out tonight with Kim (who said she'd come) and Nadine (who I asked yesterday since she's always telling me to let her know when I go out so she can come with us and also because Elaine is in Australia now and I thought it'd be good if she had someone other than me to talk to in POBian).

Then, about an hour ago, Amelia messaged me to say that Kim can't come and Nadine messaged me to say that she can't either. So now, it's going to awkward since Amelia and Elaine can't really talk to each other and I'll have to be the translator the entire time. Also, won't be able to leave Elaine even for a minute because it would be uncomfortable for her and Amelia since they can't communicate.

Ok, must not take this so seriously. I hate it when people can do things that are not even that important which bug the hell out of me. I know I'm being too sensitive about this. It's just happened so many times (with lots of different people) that now it's just piling up, squeezing all my nerves.

Ok, will stop being so melodramatic.

The Meaning of a Song

I love how some songs have lyrics that say so much. All my favourite bands have lyrics that you can just read and they sound like music without the melody. I think most of Darren Hayes's album The Tension and the Spark has that. When I first heard it, I have to say that I was a bit disappointed but the more I listen to the songs, the more I love them.

Day 12

Day 12: Laundry Excitement

Decided to skip the day excursion today and do the laundry instead. Never been so excited about it! I was also quite excited about washing my hair.

When we went to our tour included breakfast at 10, we were told that the breakfast for our tour group finished at 9. Annoyed, I put on my most innocent face and told her that our tour guide told us it was till 11 (which he did). After the waitress stood there not knowing what to do, her manager came and I made it clear to her that we shouldn't suffer for our tour guide's mistake. So they brought us cereal, fruit and toast. I thanked them and made them feel like they were great people so they were almost jumping around us while we were eating. I love it how making people feel good is the best persuasive mechanism.

After breakfast, I found some stationery in our room so wrote April a long letter. Then we went to do laundry. Since there was no washing powder, had to wash our clothes in just water. Oh, the lifestyle of a traveller!

9:39pm

We had dinner at Tim's room. His roommates decided to have a pizza party for our whole group and didn't ask if Tim minded. He minded, a lot (as would any normal person). We could barely move inside the room, it was so packed.

Lauren and I were squashed near the door and Tim was on the other side but after about 10 minutes, he made his way to our side (which was quite a challenge). We tried talking but it was almost impossible so Lauren and I decided to leave. Tim was like, "Oh, don't leave me here by myself!" so I invited him to come back to our room.

We sat around and watched TV. Apparently he loves those angsty teenage dramas that are so popular here. He said he liked it because of the hot girls but I know it's because of those horrible corny storylines ;) The woman in our room left all her underwear hanging on everything so we talked about that. Tim said, "She's not even pretty" which made me wonder if that's what he thought of me. Not like he's gorgeous.

When he said that when you're in a medical career, you learn to read people well. I wondered if he could read me.

Imperfectness

Yesterday was weird.

I was writing to April (in our private blog) about my latest awkward moment where I got told by my grandma (in front of the rest of my family) that I don't hang out enough with guys, when I received two emails.

They were both from Max, a blast from the past. On one hand, I was happy just 'cause I wanted to read what he wrote but on the other, it was the same annoying things starting again.

The first email was actually him just sending back my other email by mistake and the other one was about a line long just to see if I was still alive. He could've at least wrote something interesting. I emailed him saying that I was alive.

Then, while I was talking to April online, I decided to add Tim to my contact list (since I had his email) and as soon as I did, he started talking to me. It was so weird to talk to him online. But great, nonetheless. Of course, after about 30 minutes, the parts of his personality that annoyed me the most started to come through. Why couldn't have I met some wonderful guy that I really liked. Sigh... I guess Tim's better than nothing so I should just be happy that I met anyone who I can keep in contact with.

When I got off the computer, my Dad brings me my mobile to tell me that I should keep it with me because I got some message. It was from Max. I wish I could remember whether my Dad saw who it was from, but I can't. He's not acting like he saw so I guess I shouldn't worry.

Later, when I went online again, Max sent me another email. He said he's been wanting to talk to me but was lazy. He's also been lazy to read his 5 line email to correct the spelling mistakes (which bugs me). Nothing unusual for him, though.

Why can't I find a guy who's intelligent and not lazy? (This is a rhetorical question so I don't expect any answers.) I know I'm not anywhere near perfect but there must be a guy who's the same imperfectness (if there's no such word, there should be)* as me.

* just checked that imperfectness does exist.

Totally Over It

Straight after the break-up:
Andy: this is such a bad time for her to break up with me
me: there's no such a thing as a good time to break up with someone [me being such an expert in these things]

An hour after the break-up:
Andy: I didn't even like her that much
me: so if breaking up was inevitable, might as well have it now and save any pain in the future

15 minutes later:
Andy: I don't get why religion matters now when she said it didn't before
me: she probably got influenced by her family
Andy: that's it! She wouldn't even tell her friends back home that she was going out with me because she said they would disapprove because I'm not Christian. It's all her friends' fault.
me: you don't want someone who gets influenced so easily by other people. It's not her friends' fault. It's like saying that if a wife cheats on her husband, it's the wife's boyfriend's fault.
Andy: it is!

15 minutes later:
Andy: before she left, she kept telling me that she would get really mad if I found another girlfriend while she was away. And she did call me the day after the formal because she was worried I might start going out with Jen.
me: you don't need someone that insecure.
Andy: I know! I'm actually happy now 'cause I can find someone who I actually really like.
me: there you go! You're free again to find any girl you want.

5 hours after the break-up (after getting back from his friend's house)
Andy: I can't believe how quickly I got over her!

30 minutes later:
Andy: Seriously, I can't believe how quickly I got over her. It hasn't even been a day!

1 hour later:
Andy: Can you believe I got over her so quickly?!
me: no

15 minutes later:
Andy: Isn't it weird that I'm over it already?
me: what's even weirder is that you can't get over that you got over her.

15 minutes later:
Andy: do you think it's possible for us to be friends?
me (the relationship expert): no, it'd be too awkward.
Andy: she'll be moving away anyway so we won't be able to have a relationship anyway.
me: didn't you say that you didn't like her?
Andy: I don't. I just went out with her 'cause there was no one better. I'm totally over her.
me: uh-huh.

I know he'll be over it when he starts uni and meets better girls.

Day 11

Day 11: Being An Adult

Today was spent mostly on the bus. I saw Ian through the window saying good-bye to some people but I didn't get out of the bus. I was sitting there thinking I should get out but being me, I didn't.

We got some new people. None of them are even close to being RG. A perfect looking couple sat in front of me and acted like they were in love. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

At our first stop at some shopping mall, we saw Tim and arranged to meet up for lunch. I spent an hour trying to find the shoes that I saw yesterday, unsuccessfully. When I came a minute later than the time we arranged, Tim had to point it out. I love it when people are on time so I had to make sure he knew my reputation of coming when said I would. After arguing about it, he let me have my way.

At our next stop, Tim stayed and talked with us. Found out he's a really picky eater.

On the bus I started getting really bad stomach cramps while everyone was running across the bus, playing games. Would've loved to join in but it hurt too much to move. The couple, sitting in front of us, noticed and kept looking at me weirdly. Thankfully the pain passed and I was able to enjoy the scenery.

We drove past orange fields. There were endless rows of orange bushes. They were almost rectangular, dressed up with plump juicy oranges. I also saw a few trucks full of orange crates driving on the never-ending highways with the orange sunset in the background. It was beautiful.

When we got to our destination (a park), we were paired up with other people. Although our tour guide tried to separate all the guys and girls, some people started complaining so Lauren and I got to be with the left-over guy (and another woman). The guy (or man, since he was in his 30s) was very considerate. He offered to carry all our bags and let us choose where we wanted to sleep. Lauren and I got the best spot - the bedroom. The woman got the couch ('cause she wanted it) and the guy got the fold-out bed.

The room next to us has four new guys so some of them were over here (congratulating our guy on getting to be with three females, as if he had anything to do with it). Some 30 year old Scottish guy wouldn't leave. He was so self-conscious and sensitive, I wanted to tell him to toughen up. I don't know why but it makes me really uncomfortable when grown-ups (especially men) are overly self-conscious. Maybe it's because I don't like to pity anyone but with them I can't help it.

It's cool how age doesn't matter on this tour - everyone's here just because they want to travel. It's great! I would've never talked with these people otherwise. I took advantage of no one knowing how old I was and talked to the 30 year olds as if we were all the same age. If I was home, I'd usually feel a bit intimidated but here I did not care which I felt really good about. Definitely a nice confidence boost.

Later, Brad (the guy staying with us) mentioned how we (Lauren and I) looked really young. So maybe my pretending to be a real adult didn't work as well as I thought.

At dinner, Tim sat next to me (even though there were lots of empty seats all around the room). Even tiny things like that make my trip that much better. The dinner was ok. I didn't overdo on the dessert like last time. A girl at our table said that Keith actually got an underage hooker in Las Vegas and boasted about it. What a sleazy creep.

Tim was acting his usual boyish self and I got to talk with him which was nice. There was another couple sitting with us (my favourite one) so talked with them for a bit as well.

My Favourite Break-up

Andrew and Vanessa broke up! Must remain calm.

After ignoring his emails and messages for a month (she's overseas), she wrote to tell him that they can't be in a relationship anymore because he's in the way of her spiritual journey or some crap like that. Basically, she's Christian and he's not. Well, I hope her 'spiritual journey' leads her to some sort of enlightenment while my brother finds someone who doesn't put non-existent things before real people.

Well, it's all for the best. Andy is now free to find someone wonderful and special. Which I'm sure he will.

Day 9 - Day 10

Day 9 and 10: Making Friends With Tim and The Wedding

Yesterday was quite an adventure.

We got on the bus early in the morning. I had to sit next to Lauren because it would've been weird if I hadn't.

About ten minutes away from our hotel, the bus driver got really sick and stopped the bus. After our tour guide had some talk with him, he told us to get off the bus and that he would catch us taxis to the hotel. I hoped our driver wasn't having a heart attack or something! Maybe he was having gall bladder pains. Oh, that brings back memories...

I thought that it would've been nice to catch a taxi with Tim but there were other people standing next to me and Lauren.

When we got to our hotel, we were told that our bags would arrive in an hour. I wanted to go for a walk and get acquainted with the city but Lauren wanted to wait for the bags so we stayed (because I didn't want to go by myself). And what good choice that turned out to be!

After our bags arrived, we started going towards the main part of the town and who do we see but Tim and Keith!

Keith asked us where we were going and then asked if we wanted to come with them. I happily agreed because Tim was there and I wanted someone other than Lauren to talk to.

As I walked down the street, there was one theme running - no matter where you looked, you would see pictures of almost naked women in some tacky suggestive poses. There were billboards, screens, business cards plastered all over poles (which Keith decided to swipe off with his hand. I thought it was stupid to litter the street like that.)

We, first, walked into the MGM which was huge! We had to walk about 10 minutes through a corridor of pokie machines just to get to the casino tables. Then walk some more to get to the exit.

Keith found something to entertain himself with pretty much as soon as we got into MGM Grand. He said, "If I don't see you, it's been a pleasure". Who even talks like that? We were going to see each other in a few hours. You could tell he was in his 30s. Even from the way he dressed - 80's style light denim jeans with a long-sleeve denim shirt (a shade darker than his jeans) and brown work shoes. He could've passed for some little kid's Dad with his glasses and his adult hairstyle.

Anyway, I was glad he left. Don't really want to get involved (i.e. talk) with someone who sleeps with two women in a park. I bet they were prostitutes.

I was a bit worried that now that Keith had left, Tim would go his way but he didn't. The three of us spent a couple of hours walking around, checking out all the buildings. It was mainly me talking with him because Lauren was always lagging behind us.

There were lots of street people handing out stuff. One referred to me and Lauren as Tim's wives.

Tim talked about his family and I love when people do that because you can find out a lot about a person by how they speak of their families. I also liked that he asked me questions and it was just easy to talk to him in general.

We got back just in time for our ride to dinner. (Our driver was feeling better.)

It was the most incredible buffet I (or even you) could ever have. There were dishes from all over the world I took a bit of most stuff I haven't tried. They were all delicious. The best part of the buffet was the HUGE variety of desserts. There was just not enough space in my stomach to try them all. There were cookies of all sorts (almond, chocolate, chocolate chip etc.), eclairs, crispy waffles with cream filling, chocolate brownies, chcolate silk cake, carrot cake, fruit cake, cherry pie, cherry pie without sugar, pecan pastries, sweet rolls, strawberry sauce, ice cream and that's only about 5% of the whole selection. I was in dessert heaven. Just remembering it makes my mouth water.

After dinner we saw a mock wedding ceremony where Elvis 'married' two guys. It was the most hilarious thing ever. Elvis sang and flirted a bit which was very entertaining (since he didn't try to sit on my lap like he did with the girl sitting on the edge of the aisle).

After that very amusing show, a couple from our trip decided to get married. They booked their ceremony for the next day. All I could think of was "Yay! I get to go to a real wedding!"

When all the over 21 year olds went to check out the nightlife, Lauren, Bianca and I went to see some public shows. Walking with Lauren and Bianca made me realise that I'm a lot fitter than I thought I was. I can walk for hours without getting tired unlike them who were barely walking after a few flights of stairs. Lauren had been wanting to sit and rest every few minutes for our entire trip.

At around midnight, we went back. After a shower (something I hate taking in hotel rooms), I went to bed and slept very well until 7:30am when Lauren's Mum called to wake us up.

We had breakfast at a small cafe for which we got a free voucher. For once, I had a (relatively) healthy energising breakfast - eggs, turkey sausages (very yummy), fruit, toast and orange juice. It was my favourite breakfast so far.

After we finished eating, I got Lauren to come with me to a (specific) shopping centre because Tim said he'd be there and invited me to come. I made a stupid mistake of finding the address of the wrong shopping centre and trying to walk 5km there. Lauren was not very happy.

Before reaching it, we gave up and caught the bus back. We went to a few stores to get souvenirs.

At 4, we met up with our tour group and went to the wedding. I couldn't take it seriously. The wedding was just entertainment for me. I only felt sad when the bride got teary during the vows. The couple is our age. They didn't even tell their parents. Not sure if they'll last but I wish them luck.

After the ceremony, we all went to some restaurant for the 'reception'. On the bus, Tim sat next to us (not his usual spot) which made me happy. We talked for a bit.

At the restaurant, I sat next to a girl who talks to Tim a lot. It's great how I'm not attracted to him but still like him. He's not my type because he gets drunk, has a tattoo and wanted to buy Cuban cigars (so there's a chance that he smokes).

After dinner, Tim, Lauren and I decided to go to the local amusement park. We started walking there. We got nowhere but the shady part of town. Usually I would feel a bit nervous to be in such a dark location but the fact that there was a 7 foot guy guy next to me created an illusion of safety. (Even though he seems big and scary, he's really a very soft guy so if anything happened, I probably would've had to save him.)

Lauren was walking so slowly that Tim and I always got far ahead of her and got to chat. It was nice. Starting to feel a bit too relaxed, I began to say irrelevant things and had to concentrate on stopping my weird side coming out.

Tim was saying how some people had already chosen who they were going to share a cabin with at our next stop (since it was quad-share). It sounded like he wanted to share with us but I decided not to offer because I wasn't sure if I wanted to share a room with a guy. Especially that my pyjamas are kinda girly. I waited for him to ask but he didn't.

When we realised that there was no way for us to walk there before the closing time, we caught a bus. When we got there, the rides were closed due to cold weather. Tim and I were annoyed that after so much trouble getting there, there was no point. Lauren was annoyed even more because she didn't want to go in the first place.

Tim caught a taxi back to the hotel because he was supposed to meet the girl that sat next to me at dinner because he promised her he'd meet her to 'talk'. I wonder what about...

Lauren and I caught a bus to the shopping centre that we were originally supposed to go to. I found some shoes I liked but couldn't decide on buying them snce there's not much space in my suitcase. I regret it now.

Ian finished his tour here but I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to him. He was a funny guy.

We get some new people tomorrow. Hope RG is one of them but not counting on it.

To An Even Better Year

I feel so drunk and I don't have even a bit of alcohol in me. Must be the weather. (Actually, why does the weather get blamed all the time for everyone's state?)

Can't believe it's 2005 already! I remember when I was like in year 9, I thought that 2001 (the year I finished school) seemed so far away! I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like now. I could only think as far as uni because that seemed like the most exciting part of anyone's life - full of possibilities and constant fun and at the same time discovering new interesting things. And now it's all behind me.

It'd be interesting for my brother to start uni this year. I know he's going to have the best time because his personality is very appropriate - sociable but responsible.

Came home at almost 3am in the morning. Amelia, Kim and I saw the fireworks which were great. I was so happy to be there because when you're at home, you don't realise what you're missing out on. And the fact that I was with 2 people who I wasn't annoyed at made me happy to welcome the new year with them. And strangely enough, I didn't even care (that much) when all the couples started kissing. I was just happy that I had a good year and was looking forward to this one. Ever since middle of high school, my years have been improving. So 2004 was my best year.

The Last Rant of 2004

Well, looks like I'm going to the city with Amelia and Kim (a girl from school that Amelia still hangs out with). I guess three is better than two. I'm really looking forward to being squashed by a lot of tall people, having to avoid beer bottles (and drunk people) on the ground and not being able to get home because of the crowds all stampeding to the same train station. It's going to be great!

The last time I went to the city for New Year's Eve was 2 years ago with 'the group' from school. I've decided to call the other people I used to hang out with at school 'The Group' because that's what we basically were. The Group included Kelly, Amy, Allison, Jacqui, Shannon, Kate (at one point) and Silvia (also at one point) and some others who I've never mentioned in the blog and don't plan to. I remember it was fun but it put me off going to the city on New Year's Eve until now.

It's not so much that I want to go to the city as much as I don't want to stay at someone's house and be bored together. (Not that being bored together is bad but for once I'd like not to do that on New Year's Eve.)

I saw Garden State with Amelia yesterday and that was great. I loved Zach Braff's character (minus the voluntary drug taking). I think I liked him 'cause he liked Sam (Natalie Portman) who I could really relate to (minus her beauty). Although, I'm over my compulsive lying habit. Well, not really.

I was reading the message boards for the movie on IMDB and as usual there's a bunch of people who criticised it because it doesn't have some world-changing message. Why can't people just enjoy a movie without anaylsing it to death?

I loved the line "When I'm with you I feel safe... like I'm home". I have a strong urge to edit it to make it "With you, I'm home" because I would love for a guy to feel that way about me and for me to find a guy to feel the same way about. Sigh.

Well, Happy New Year!

"May the best of your past be the worst of your future!"

- The Long Kiss Goodnight

Homebodies

I saw Sophia and Lilly yesterday. We saw "The Incredibles". I absolutely loved the Edna character. She was worth the price of the ticket. Hilarious. It was like a gay man stuck in an old woman's body. It makes me smile just remembering her lines.

Seeing my uni friends was pretty good too. It would've been nice to do something with them tomorrow night but they're even worse than my school friends in the 'going out' department.

I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it again. I need more friends who like to go out. I loved how on my trip, there was always Tim to do stuff with. So when Lauren (who's not a fan of doing anything after dinner, other than going to see bands) didn't want to go out, I knew I could count on Tim to come.

I need someone who would always come with me anywhere. I need a boyfriend.

I'm really looking forward to finding a full-time job now because that means I would meet new people and I really need that now.

Maybe if Claudia was here, she would come with me and Amelia tomorrow. There's still hope that Christine and Evan would come but I doubt it. They like to do couply things on days like tomorrow.

April Ruins New Year's Eve Plans

I’m SO annoyed with April. I’m sick of her getting sick every time we plan on doing something fun. She’s sick ALL the time. And she’ll make a big deal even if it’s just a little cold.

Earlier this week, she invited Amelia and me to her place tomorrow night (New Year’s Eve) but when Amelia and I met up today, we decided that we both wanted to go out, rather than stay in, like the last few years and asked if April wanted to come. Of course she didn’t, which was expected. When does she ever like to go out? So Amelia and I decided to go to her house first (because it would be mean to cancel on her) and then go to the city afterwards. So no one gets left out. Everyone’s happy.

Then April has to go and ruin everything. Personally, I think she’s upset at us for wanting to go out because she probably didn’t realise that we were going to go to her house first anyway. Or she’s just being her lazy self and ‘doesn’t feel’ like doing anything. That’s the trait in April that I hate the most.

I know I’m being bitchy but I need an outlet for how annoyed I feel right now. And anyone who’s read my blog for a while, should know that this is not the first time April cancels on something I looked forward to.

It’s times like these I want to tell her that no wonder nothing exciting happens in her life. She doesn’t do anything or go anywhere that would let her experience something different. And this coming from the person who’s not the most ‘going out’ type in the world. Why is it that most people I make friends with prefer to stay home all the time?

I wish Tim was here ‘cause he would go anywhere with me. Thank God, for Amelia. She can work all day and still want to go out at night.

I thought that this New Year’s Eve, I would actually have a nice fun plan which does not involve staying at someone’s house and doing nothing but now, I don’t even know if I’ll end up home alone.

Day 8

Day 8: Eternal Beauty, Friendly American and Being Healthy

The alarm rang at 6:30am but I ignored it. Got up at 7 (20 minutes before sunrise). By the time we got ready, the sun has risen so we went to find an overlook site for the Grand Canyon.

When we got out of our hotel, everything was in crispy white snow. And very freezing.

As soon as I got a glimpse of the canyon, I was in awe. No photo can describe it because its main magnificence is in it humongous size. It really is breath-taking how huge it is (even if I knew that from pictures). Its first layer of stones was there over a billion years ago.

Its natural beauty really makes you reflect how short our lives are. It's overwhelming. I think it's very close to the feeling the guy from "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" got when he was put in a room that showed how insignificantly small he was to the entire universe. The Grand Canyon manages to show you how eternal and almost immortal nature is.

10:06pm

After our numerous walks (or more like bus rides) along the Grand Canyon rim, I decided to burn some of my digital photos onto a CD.

I found one of those do-it-yourself machines in some store. When I finished selecting all the photos I wanted to burn and got to the final step, it told me that I could only pay with a credit card (something that I don't have). I asked the man who worked there if it was possible to pay in cash. He said no but offered to let me use his credit card!

He said he wasn't supposed to do that but he would this time because he knew how expensive memory cards were and he had to make sure his manager wasn't watching.

I thought that was quite nice of him. I wondered if I had to tip him so I rounded up my amount (in cash) but he gave me back my change.

I thanked him a few times (because if I couldn't burn the photos, I wouldn't be able to take more photos). He wished me a great day.

I wondered what made him let me use his credit card... Boredom at work? Hating his job/manager and wanting to rebel? Nah, must've been my girlish charm.

After dinner, used expensive internet to check email and write an email telling my Mum to call me (since I couldn't call her). I had 10 minutes to do all this but it felt like 2. Didn't have any time to read most of my emails or write something to my friends, especially April. Or my brother.

At exactly 9pm, Mum called. I was so happy to talk to her! Even though I'm having a great time, I miss talking to people who I talk with daily.

Lauren has been great at substituting all my favourite people. Although, her eating and hygienic habits are quite worrying. No wonder she gets tired all the time. And I'm not the fittest person. Maybe it's my urticaria that's making me notice how nutritiously people eat. For example, she hasn't eaten any protein or fibre at all! Or any vitamins. I sound like such a health freak when I complain how there's only junk food available. And I suppose I have become a bit of a health nut. But urticaria forced me. If I don't have enough good stuff inside me, I get itchy and red. Not a good feeling. I, now, associate all unhealthy stuff with being sick, no matter how tasty the food is, and I get put off it. Although I still love chocolate.

Marrying Mark

I forgot to mention that April and I watched I Heart Huckabees and Mark Wahlberg is so sexy. I don't know what it is about him because he's not typically cute. He has a very ordinary face but he has something special...

Mark (puts his big hands on my shoulders, urgently): Sky, I can't stop thinking about you!
me (look up to his relatively cute eyes): You know, there are other things to life than thinking about how in love you're with me.
Mark: But Sky! Life is meaningless without you in it.
me: Yeah... I see what you mean...
Mark: I can't spend another moment of my life without having my arms around you.
me: well, if you must...
Mark (takes my hands): will you marry me?
me: I guess I could...
Mark (jumps up and down with excitement): So that's a yes?!
me: on one condition
Mark: anything!
me: you will not be as corny as you are in my distorted imagination.

Reflecting on 2004

I saw the following questionnaire at a few blogs so I decided to do it too.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Gone on a date and visited America.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any and I won't be making any for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My Aunt

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God.

5. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Boyfriend.

6. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The date I left for America.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Organising my trip to America.

8. What was your biggest failure?
Getting a boyfriend.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Urticaria

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Dad - he was super cool this year.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Andy's, when he had his grumpy period because it was so unlike him.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Trip to America.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Other than my trip to America, I was VERY excited about what the date could've lead to.

14. What song will always remind you of 2004?
"This Love" by Maroon 5

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier and sadder
b) thinner or fatter? about the same
c) richer or poorer? Even though I had more money last year, I didn't actually spend it because I was saving it so it's like I didn't actually have it.

16.What do you wish you'd done more of?
Go out (especially dancing).

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Obsess less over finding a boyfriend.

18. How will you be spending Christmas?
I've spent it with Nadine.

19. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I wish.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
Gilmore Girls

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

22. What was the best book you read?
I've had a few (how could I not):
- The Earth, My Butt and other Big Round Things (Carolyn Mackler)
- Standing in the Rainbow (Fannie Flagg)
- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (Mark Haddon)

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kara's Flowers

24. What did you want and get?
I wanted to pass all my subjects so I could graduate and I have.

25. What did you want and not get?
A boyfriend.

26. What was your favourite film of this year?
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 20 and for the life of me I cannot remember what I did. I might've been at uni on that day but I don't even know that for sure.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A boyfriend.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Funky but elegant. (Always wanted to use adjectives like that to describe fashion styles.)

30. What kept you sane?
Any sanity that I still have left is because of April - without talking to her, I would've gone insane with my anxiety about not having a boyfriend.

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage and abortion.

32. Who did you miss?
Andy when he was in his grumpy period.

33. Who was the best new person you met?
Tim.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
When something seems totally impossible, it can surprise you. And then disappoint anyway. (Re: Andrew and bus guy and Tim incidents)

Also, friends with whom you can laugh about things that sadden and worry you, are friends you should cherish.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"That's Not Enough" by Maroon 5 is the only one I can think of at the moment.

That's not enough.
I want more.
I want it all.
I want to bang on your front door.
Turn off the lights
And shut out the world.
Cause at the end of the day
Aren't we all just boys and girls?

If I had to sum up my year I would say it went like this:

My life is over.
[Meet guy] Maybe not!
[Never see guy again.] My life is over.
[Go on date] My life is finally changing!
[Date never calls] My life is over.
While my life is over, I go to America to distract myself from my life's end.
[Meet guy] Yay! A guy likes me!
[No future with guy] What was the point? My life is over.

I think we can deduct from that - my year was a rollercoaster with always ending on the bottom but I had some fun along the way.

By the way, I realised that since I'm not a uni student anymore, I should change my blog's tagline.

Boxing Day

I spent most of today with April. I missed her so much! My throat got sore after telling her all my stories. It was great to be able to share all the little things (that other people are not interested) in with her. I was just so happy to talk with her after a month of not being able to tell her anything properly.

After all my stories, she told me how she and Christine and Claudia were talking about taking a trip to Europe together and how she thought we'd all kill each other if we did that. I know for sure that I would never be able to live with Christine. She's too difficult. Claudia would be ok and it'd be fun to travel with April. But it's all just talk with them.

I was pretty lucky to find Lauren to travel with 'cause she's so easy-going and would do everything I wanted. I wonder if she'd want to go to Europe with me. Maybe I annoyed her in ways I don't even realise. I know, I'd love to travel with her again.

After I got home today, my relatives came over. Allie seems to be growing up so fast. She's adorably cute and sweet. Jenna is growing up too. It makes me feel so old to have all these new kids in my family. Especially now that there's a new addition - Jenna's baby brother.

But it was cool to see everyone again.

Christmas Time

Happy Boxing Day! Christmas always goes by so fast!

My Christmas started out pretty quiet. My parents, my grandma and brother went to a BBQ with my relatives (the usual bunch). I didn't go 'cause it would've been boring and I see these people all the time anyway. My Dad had to be dragged to it by my Mum 'cause he didn't want to go either but he's obligated to go. Andy went 'cause he didn't want to stay home. I would've went if my cousins were there but they're in POB. Even though I haven't seen them for AGES, yesterday (and ever since my grandma came over and started telling us funny stories of our childhood), I've realised how much I missed them.

Everyone got back at around three because we were supposed to go to Nadine's house. But since my parents got invited to Talia's parents' house, they dropped me (and grandma) at Nadine's house.

I had a great time telling her all my stories from my trip, without the details because those are reserved for April (who I'm seeing today). I don't think I've ever spent Christmas with her so it was really nice. And since my grandma was there (because she knows her Mum - they're about the same age), it felt just like it was when we were kids. Especially when Nadine's Mum was asking us to try some disgusting looking thing that she made and even though I cut a small piece, one bite was more than enough. Nadine swallowed her tiny bit so I asked her if she wanted to finish mine and she agreed.

But rather than taking it from my plate when her Mum went into the kitchen to get something, she took a tissue (in front of her Dad who was talking to my grandma) and while he was deep in conversation (even though my grandma was looking at us), she took my piece with the tissue and went to throw it out the window. My grandma had her eyes wide open as she was watching our 'discreet' procedure and I had to control my giggles. Her Dad didn't even notice.

Later my grandma said that she wished we didn't leave after we finished eating because she couldn't hide her piece that she couldn't eat and she couldn't copy Nadine's smooth method of disposal.

Even though Nadine and I are adults now, we felt like such kids with the 'real' grown-ups there. She got a call from one of her friends (who she used to complain about in high school) who's getting married now! It's so weird to have people we grew up with getting married! I've never actually met the bride but I've heard so much about her from Nadine that I feel like I know her.

In the morning when everyone went to the BBQ, I opened an envelope which had the predictions that I wrote before I started uni to be opened when I finish my degree (which by the way I have with all right marks). It was so depressing to read because I was so horribly wrong.

When I was 17 and just finished high school, I predicted that by the time I finish uni, I would be in a serious relationship or would've had one. And lots of other completely inaccurate things. The only things that came true was the I would never get drunk, do drugs or smoke. I can always count on that! I wrote new predictions to be read when I'm 25. I made them pretty bad so if my life sucks then, at least I would be correct.

Anyway, I better go and get ready to go and meet April. Can't wait to talk to her! (I'm sure she'll laugh at my inaccuracies of trying to predict my future.)

Strong Words

One thing that really gets to me is when people say that they don't 'hate' anyone because 'hate' is such a strong word but yet they put the word 'f***' into every second sentence. How is that word any less stronger than the first one?

(Don't forget you can always say 'despise' because that is definitely stronger than 'hate'.) And people say 'I love chocolate' but that doesn't mean that they love it in the same way that they love someone dear to them (like their family). So the same goes for 'hate' - it depends on the context in which you say it.

Day 5 - Day 7

Day 5: Other Travellers

Stood in line for the continental breakfast behind Rob who was hung-over. Got pancakes, toast, apple and cranberry juice. Rob sat next to us so we talked a bit. I asked where he got the jam for the toast. Then some girl put her plate down opposite Rob and he suggested for me to take her jam (when she went to get something). I said, "You like taking other people's food, dont you" and he said, "Yeah, I have a thing for stealing others' food".

While we were waiting to get on the bus, some guy came to talk to us. I was happy to hear that he wasn't into drinking. But he swore a lot.

We had an excursion of the harbour. Can't say I really liked it. The scenery was nothing special but I took lots of photos anyway.

At dinner, Lauren and I had to sit with James and Megan (the young couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other) so all through dinner Lauren and I had to watch them cuddle, kiss and tease each other. It was revolting. Why can't people in love realise that other people don't want to see them show-off their happiness.

Day 6: Yay! Creep Gives Me His Phone Number

Today was spent mostly on the bus. We drove out of San Diego and through south-west country which was exactly how I expected it to be - long-winding highway through the sandy landscape of the desert with tall and thick cacti that you see in Western films.

We had to introduce ourselves. I hated doing it 'cause it reminded me of school/uni and I was worried about public speaking (especially about myself) but surprisingly I sounded all right. I can't believe we had to say our social status. I was so embarrassed to admit that I was single that I was contemplating on saying that I had a boyfriend. But then I thought that I'd just be shooting myself in the foot and none of the single guys would talk to me. I tried to remember what all the guys said but I forgot some of them anyway.

During our first rest stop, Ian (the guy who came up to talk to us earlier) came up again. He asked what the name of the town was. He then went on saying how he doesn't like roller-coasters but he promised his friend he would go because he didn't want to seem like a wimp. (He's 24, by the way.) And now he's thinking of telling the friend he can't go anymore. I told him that's not fair to the other guy. If he didn't want to go, he should've told him straight up and not cancel at the last minute (because I hate when people do that) and he said I'm right and he won't cancel 'cause that would be mean. (He used different words though which I don't really want to write.) He wasn't single.

Back on the bus, we were encouraged to swap seats and meet people we haven't talked with before. During this, I met Keith, a 30-something from New Orleans (who told everyone in his introduction that he was caught by police having sex with 2 women in some New Orleans park).

When I mentioned that we were going to New Orleans, he gave me some suggestions where I should go. When we moved seats again and he sat behind me, he passed me a piece of paper. On it was his number. He said I should call him when in New Orleans. All I could think was that a guy gave me his number! Who cares how old he was or that he's a sleazy creep!

On our second rest stop, saw Ian walk past and he smiled unlike other people (i.e. Rob) who walked by without a glance.

Arrived in Arizona to a much better hotel room that actually has a fridge and a microwave.

Have to wake up early tomorrow to go on a hot air balloon ride so have to go for now.

Oh! I saw 7th Heaven wedding and felt like crying. Lucy was getting married before finishing college and was getting worried about getting married young and her older brother, Matt, said how lucky she was to find someone she loves and who loves her back and it was ok that she didn't reach all her goals yet because she could always reach them in the future. The only difference is that she'll have someone's hand to hold while she goes after what she wants. I wanted to throw things at the TV.

Day 7: A New Experience

Woke up bright and early today for the hot air balloon excursion. Had a yummy toasted raisin bagel for breakfast and took some other food with me.

The hot air balloon ride was an experience like no other. Being squashed in a little basket with 12 other people (all with cameras in hand ready to snap away) while being blown under a large colourful balloon over the morning mist of the Sonoran desert is going to be added to another life experience that will always be remembered and will hopefully make me a better rounded person. If only it would get me RG. Oops, sorry, I'm still trying to break my habit of comparing all great experiences to how great it would be to have RG, but nothing ever matches up which diminishes the value of those wonderful experiences.

There were lots of spaced out shrubs below me with a few large cacti thrown in. We were told that a cactus only grows another arm after 75 years which made some cacti (according to my calculations) almost a 1000 years old!

There were also wild cows wandering slowly through the desert in small groups. Also saw a couple of hares running along the coppery cold paths.

The sun was peaking from behind the mountains, making shadows of everything across the ground.

The scenery was not the only thing that made the experience. The sounds created another dimension. The soft swooshing of the wind, the regular pumping of gas into the balloons - all created the originality of the experience.

After the ride, we got back on the bus to find our usual seats taken by other people. I walked along the bus, looking for two empty seats for Lauren and me but I realised there were only single empty seats. I saw one next to Ian and was happy to sit next to him for a few hours but another girl was standing next to the seat so I moved on to another one. I saw an empty one next to an occupant who was with the others outside. I hoped that person was someone nice.

I was happy to find it was taken by Tim (the guy I noticed the first day of the tour). We had a pretty interesting conversation about his future medical career (he told me, more than I wanted to know, horror stories from his work experience at a hospital), about his sister (who turned out to be the girl who I thought was his girlfriend) and some other stuff. He turned out to be a few months younger than me. (I asked using my sneaky ways.)

Had a rest stop in a beautiful area. There were too many angles from which I could've made hundreds of gorgeous photos but I tried to restrain myself. I had to accept that photos can't capture the hundreds of images that surround you from every direction to create that beautiful piece of the world.

When we got back on the bus, Ian was sitting in front of me. He's such an energy ball. I found it entertaining just to watch him talk. He's always so into what he's talking. (He does some job that I don't think requires a tertiary education but I can't remember what it is. Something electrical I think.)

I was quite pleased to be talking with two guys for the trip.

At the next stop, I was looking through some souvenir shop when Keith came up to me and said how beautiful some pots were and that he hadn't seen them anywhere else. I said I saw them in the previous town (even though I don't think I have) and moved further from him. Felt like telling him, "Don't try and talk to me. I still won't sleep with you in a park when I'm in New Orleans". Don't really want anything to do with a 30-something year old who slept with two women at once in a public place. It's too sleazy.

Since we were getting so close to the Grand Canyon, the temperature has dropped dramatically.

When Lauren and I were crossing the road, I could hear whistling in my ears. My face started tingling. Once we were on the bus, I wished I could cuddle up to a sweet and warm guy. Tim would've been fine since he's so much bigger than me and I feel tiny next to him. If my boyfriend was a big (and I don't necessarily mean fat) guy (just broad and tall), I would never worry about my weight.

When we got to the hotel, I wanted to call my Mum but the phone wouldn't work and it was too cold and dark to find another one. Had a bit of a pang of home-sickness or more like "I miss my Mummy" syndrome.

Day 2 - Day 4

Day 2: Disneyland
7:20pm

Lauren is watching cable but there's nothing great on. We had pizza for dinner. I gave up trying to find something nutritious.

For our free continental breakfast, we had pastries, muffins, bread and jam. I ate all of it just to have enough energy till lunch. I regret not taking some back with me for lunch because we couldn't find anything healthy and affordable in the park. Ended up buying fried chicken pieces with chips.

Thank God, I still have an apple from yesterday.

Disneyland really is a 'happy place'. I felt like I was in a Disney land. Wait a second, I was. The rides were not physically exciting but the sets and props were so imaginative, stunning and creative that it really did take you to the world that's in a child's mind.

I went crazy with my camera again. We went on almost all the rides that we wanted to.

Today, I noticed a lot of absolutely gorgeous kids and absolutely overweight adults. I also saw some stereotypical Californian girls - blonde, tanned and beautiful. I'm still getting used to everyone having an American accent.

I feel like I flew forward in time. The TV shows are ahead and so are the trends.

Day 3: Magic
6:16pm

We saw Disneyland fireworks last night. I was mesmorised. The bursts of bright colours above the castle (which changed from shades of deep green all the way to rich reds) looked like a magical garden in the sky.

The background music (coming from the speakers) was suitable enough to evoke emotions of love which stirred me in the wrong way. Having RG next to me was the only thing missing to make the moment perfect. Seeing lots of young couples in love didn't make it easier. Told myself to stop ruining the moment with my habitual thoughts but didn't work.

Day 4: Start of the Tour
10:17pm

We missed the tour pre-departure meeting yesterday. This area has the illogical system of having house numbers increase both ways. We ended up walking 30 minutes the wrong way and 30 minutes back. Then another 40 minutes in the right direction. Lauren was barely walking and my feet were getting sore too. After we walked across a highway with no crossing, we decided to just catch a taxi the next day (i.e. today) which was exactly what we did. We decided to get up extra early but slept through the alarm. We were woken up 15 minutes before the taxi was supposed to arrive by the receptionist calling to tell us our taxi was already here. I only had enough time to get dressed and stuff my suitcase. We got there 40 minutes early (as planned because there was no way we were going to miss the tour). I stupidly tipped the driver extra.

We met up with our tour but it seemed that people have already met at yesterday's meeting so I felt a bit left out. Some guy who kept looking in our direction didn't seem to know the others either but then some girl came up to him and they seemed to know each other. Probably his girlfriend.

As we were driving, the landscape was beautiful - large green hills framing highways. There was a group of joggers running though a distinct downhill valley. Wish I had my camera to capture it.

Our driver was flirting with other drivers which was funny.

When we got to San Diego, I was struck by the water that looked like blue satin. There was the city skyline at the horizon that looked like it was behind a white screen (possibly because of light fog).

Once we passed the bay with countless white boats, we drove into the city streets which weren't anything special. There was a lot of construction going on.

We stopped at some park that had white Spanish architecture. Bought some tasty and nutritious cookie.

After that, we visited the zoo. I saw giant pandas. Apparently they have similar lifestyles to koalas - eat (bamboos) and sleep. They wake up when they're hungry and they go to sleep after eating. They were gorgeous.

I also loved the white polar bear. It was so entertaining to watch it try to scratch itself. Its dirty white fur kept swishing as it rolled and twisted on the ground, its paws in the air.

Also saw some animals that I didn't know existed. Lauren didn't seem to be interested at all and seemed to only be focusing on walking. She said her feet and legs were in pain so we had to take a break every few moments.

Really wanted to get some sort of souvenir (preferably with a panda) but I just couldn't spend money on useless things.

After we checked into our hotel, we went to Walgreens and it took forever to choose the healthiest options. I bought turkey slices but when I got back to the hotel, I realised that we didn't have a fridge to put it in.

During dinner, I sat next to some graduate student/bartender and his 6 friends. They started talking to us. If only they were my type (i.e. didn't stub cigarettes into the grass, did not wear condoms on their heads, did not get drunk and did not swear constantly).

When there was a mix-up with food, Rob (the guy next to me) took food from my plate. Later he apologised, saying he thought the plate in front of me was for someone else. The only thing I had in common with him was that he was also health-conscious.

The guys had a long conversation about alcohol and Lauren and Rob talked about bands I've never heard of.

Back at the hotel, I had a nice hot shower after I figured out how to use the tap system. Then, we figured out how to use the alarm clock.

By the way, the toilets here are horrible. They are always filled with water almost to the top so all the 'stuff' floats in it until you're finished. It's so gross.

My Grandma Gets More Guys Than Me

My grandma got picked up by some guy yesterday. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She went to the beach and some guy kept talking to her but since she can't understand English, she nodded, smiled and swam the other way but he kept coming up and talking to her.

"What does 'I love you' mean?" my grandma asked me.

"What?! Is that what the man said?"

"He came up to me and said 'I love you'."

"Maybe he said 'How are you'?"

"Oh yes! That's what he said!"

The Start of the Story

Ok, I've decided to copy some of my notebook entries from the trip into here because I can't be bothered right now to do another blog just about the trip. (All of this will be written in smaller font.)

Day 1: Getting There
11:35am

It still feels a bit unreal to be flying to USA. I've been waiting too long for this.

We should be in Auckland soon. I tried to sleep a bit but it's too hard because I can't lean my seat back. There's some little kid behind me but fortunately he stopped poking the back of my seat.

They served breakfast of corn and ham fritters that tasted better than expected, some fruit (melon and rockmelon) and a muffin (that was quite unhealthy but tasted good). I'm just hoping my urticaria won't get out of control.

At the airport, I already got carried away with my camera and took many unnecessary photos that I'm sure I'd have to delete when I run out of memory.

There are no 'potential guys' on the plane that I can see. There goes my dream of meeting a guy on a plane and having a great story to tell the grandkids.

There are some guys my age but there's no chance to get to know them. Not surprised.

8:20am (California time)

I just noticed that a woman across from me is reading "The Sex Lives of Cannibals" and she's not embarrassed about it (since it's openly, almost purposefully, lying on her fold-out table.

I still have a bit of a headache (probably caused by lack of sleep).

8:27am

The plane smells of stinky people, some plane food and the stale cabin air.

Outside below me are beautiful fluffy clouds that look like soft marshmallows closer up (on take-off and dissesnt). I wish I could take a photo of them but no electronic equipment is allowed then.

8:38pm

I'm now at our hotel room, awake from my nap.

The first thing I noticed as our plane was descenting (other than the ball of excitement filling up inside me at rapid speeds) was how structured the layout of California was. It looked like someone measured the whole land with a ruler. Even the line between the sand of the beaches and the road running along them seemed to be too accurately parallel.

It took us forever to get our luggage once we got off the plane. It was a bit nerve-wrecking to see the bag carousel go round and round and my bag not in sight. I thought that I might not see my suitcase again. Fortunately I did. I might've smiled when I saw it. Felt a nice sense of relief.

We caught a shuttle bus to our hotel. That's when I had my first experience of not understanding the American accent. The bus driver asked, "Where to?" but all I could hear was, "One two?" After I made a few guesses as to what he meant ("There are two of us", "We have two suitcases", "We're going one-way"), I figured it out and told him the hotel name. He thought I couldn't speak English. (Isn't it weird that when people think you can't speak English they start using really bad grammar? Like the bus driver who after my wrong answers asked, "Live where?")

On our ride there, I'm quite positive the driver made more than one illegal manoeuvre and there really was no need for him to use the horn every five minutes.

After the driver got our bags and was waiting for a tip, since Lauren didn't give him one, I didn't either. The bus driver didn't take it too badly.

We got to the hotel at about 1pm (too early for check-in), put our bags in the storage and went to explore the area.

After buying our Disneyland tickets and a quick walk through Downtown Disney, we went back to the hotel to get our room.

We were given one in a little building, across from the main one, that only had stairs so we had to drag our luggage across them. Once in the room, I noticed that there was only one bed and a couch.

Although Lauren said that she didn't mind sleeping on the couch, I (not very happily) marched back to the reception desk and demanded (nicely) to be give the room we paid for (i.e. two beds) and for it to be in the main building (that had a lift).

Our newly allocated room looked exactly like from the brochure in which I found it. We also have a great view of Disneyland and the rest of Anaheim from our top floor. Lots of photos were taken to try and capture the beauty that we can see from our balcony (which also acts as the corridor to all the rooms). The architecture in this whole area feels like you're in a storybook. Each hotel's/shop's/restaurant's sign is worthy of a photo.

After we checked into our room, we went to buy some food. I found it impossible to find anything that was even relatively healthy so ended up buying the best of all the bad ones - microwavable spaghetti with meat balls and two apples (from New Zealand, of all places!)

Had fun saying we were from Australia to shop owners who asked. I'm trying to get an American accent for the duration of my trip but it hasn't been working yet.

We also got a phone card each from the little store next to us. Called my Mum and asked her to call me back from her phone card. Had a nice conversation.

Found out that internet is really expensive here so can't email my friends yet. Maybe I'll send postcards.

Really regretted not bringing my own utensils and had to borrow Lauren's plastic fork.

We were thinking of going out tonight but we're both too tired. Even after my nap, I feel a bit groggy.

We watched cable TV (which was great, for your information).

Really want to take a shower now but the bathroom doesn't look too hygienic. Maybe I'll give a try cleaning it.

Where Am I?

Well, I'm back!

It feels so weird to be writing here after so long. Well, I guess a month isn't that long but it sure feels like it after all the adventures I've had!

The trip met all my expectations and a bit more! I think I can safely say that it was the most exciting month of my life. It was exactly what I needed.

Since I'm not planning to tell you everything in this entry because I did fill out about 200 pages of my notebook that I took with me but here's a very basic summary of the most memorable parts:

• amusement parks
• tour
• met people
• met someone
• wedding
• breath-taking scenery
• perfect career
• fun in the South
• busy city life

More details later! Still not sure how I'm going to write about everything that happened. I was thinking of creating a separate journal of my trip but I don't know... Maybe I'll write separate adventures in here...

I still feel quite overwhelmed by everything.

When I got back, everything seemed different. My house seemed lighter and more spacious, people seemed to have grown. My grandma (from POB) is living with us now for a month. I'm trying to get back to everything but it's odd. You can tell that I've been travelling a lot lately because when I woke up, I couldn't remember where I was.

Even though I had such a wonderful time on my trip, it's nice to be home and most importantly see everyone again.