Blindly in Love

Lately I've been feeling like I'm idolising David. Or is this what being in love is like?

I just can never take my eyes off him. I feel like I could stare at him forever.

Every time he asks me what I want to do or what movie I want to watch or where I want to go, I just completely don't care. I want to do anything he wants.

When I spotted him today when we met up, my face just lit up. I had to restrain from jumping all over him. And when I saw his face spread into a smile and his arms wrap around me, I knew he missed me as much as I missed him and that made me ecstatic.

He insisted on driving me home and when I said, "You really don't have to" and he replied, "But I really want to", I just felt giddy.

There was a Spanish rock song that was really upbeat and kinda funny. David sang to it and shook his head in mock exaggeration and I was just so happy, I started laughing. It wasn't that funny but it was like laughter was the only way I could relieve the energy I had from happiness. My laughter only encouraged him more which in turn made me laugh harder.

When he was talking to my Mum, I couldn't take my eyes off him. I was barefoot and he already put on his shoes and he looked so tall. And so broad. And his face had this childish charm as he talked to my Mum. Those laughing eyes that attracted me from the very beginning. The warmest smile. He was like a life-size teddy bear. Just wanted to curl up in his arms and stay there forever.

When he leaves, I feel a pang in my heart. Like a part of me is gone.

"If I could have my way, I'd see you every day."

- David

In Sickness and In Health

My Mum has to have a medical procedure tomorrow and she has to get ready for it today by not eating anything and drinking some horrible mixture which makes her nauseous. She keeps whining about not wanting to drink it and even though I feel for her, at least she doesn't have to drink the disgusting fish oil and take gross capsules every day (like me for my urticaria). Is it cruel of me to not sympathise with her complaining about feeling bloated when I had the most excruciating pain when I had gallstone attacks? Don't get me wrong, I wish she didn't have to go through it, I'm sure it's no fun but I've had worse and I didn't whinge like a kid.

What made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside was when my Dad came home, he actually tried to soothe my Mum as you do a child. I heard him say, "Come on, just one more sip. I'm here with you. Darling, you can do it." And my Dad is not your usual affectionate guy. I felt so happy for my Mum that she had Dad. Never saw him behave with such tenderness.

It's nice to know my parents have each other and will take care of one another. I don't have to worry about them so much.

The Voices Over My Shoulders

You know how in cartoons when a character can't decide what to do, an angel apears over one shoulder with good advice and a devil appears over the other with bad advice?

me: I'm nervous about the interview
April's respnse: just think you won't get it so you won't be stressed. Be negative!
David's response: be positive! Think you already have it. I know you can do it!

Funny how two people closest to me who want the best for me are completely opposite.

The interview was ok I guess. It boosted my confidence when David called and wished me luck and told me he really wanted to see me. I didn't really like how the person I'd working with was very nosy and wanted to have a more personal, rather than professional relationship. I don't want to be personal at work, that's left for outside. And I especially don't want to be friends with my boss. That could really ruin the job. Don't know if I'd get it. It does offer good money and conditions which makes me want it. Have to wait till tomorrow.

Nothingness

Today was the biggest waste of time. I wish I could've skipped it. The highlights were:
- ironing
- reading

I guess I could've at least done another lesson in "A+ Spanish" but I didn't feel like it. I should go and iron more, the pile seems to be neverending.

Tomorrow is my interview at a place I wouldn't mind working. Have a feeling I won't get it. (Can hear David's voice in my head saying, "Don't even think that!") I can pretty much say I didn't get the cinema advertising job as they haven't called. I wish the woman didn't get my hopes up. Oh well.

My life is so pathetic. I've been out of uni for a year and still don't have a permanent job. Wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I've probably had more jobs in the last few years than most people have in a lifetime.

Don't AskMen

I found this site from another blog and was interested to read the other side of female magazines. After reading some articles, I actually got angered by some advice some women give men about women. So totally off the mark, it's unbelievable.

1. How to keep a woman on her toes - wait for her to say (or hint at) the "l-word" first

Firstly, I find intentionally keeping someone on their toes very pointless. It causes unnecessary tension. It's so much better for a relationship if both parties are honest and upfront. If you are ready to tell your loved one how you feel, you should do it and not play stupid games.

2. How to keep a woman on her toes - don't make yourself too available

Ridiculous. If you are free, why cause extra problems by lying and saying you have plans? I know David has a lot of free time because he doesn't hang out with his friends much anymore. It doesn't make me think any less of him.

3. How to keep a woman on her toes - be the one to end the phone call

What the hell for?! Does it really make a difference who ends the conversation first?

4. Tell her that she reminds you of some beautiful famous woman, e.g. Jennifer Lopez

Never ever compare her to any other woman! However if she starts to compare herself, you're welcome to say, "Jennifer Lopez is nothing compared to you! You're the most beautiful woman in the world! And the universe."

There was much more advice that no one should ever take seriously but you can read that yourself.

I guess in truth, every person is different and it's very difficult to put all women as wanting the same things, other than the universal that any human wants - acceptance.

Grandma's Opinion of My Boyfriend

I talked to my grandma (the one in POB) on the phone on Saturday. I asked her what she thought of the photos I sent her of David. She said he looked very nice and had a 'nice figure' so he was welcome to come and visit them. She also said that since I liked him he must be pretty good. It's funny how my family trusts in my judgement because I always made my views very clear and they obviously think I follow them. Sure David is pretty good but if I didn't meet him, I could've sunk as low as dating Max. I wonder if my family would've still trusted my judgement then.

Grandma said my aunty and cousin were there and my cousin asked, "When's the wedding?" It's common there to get married in early twenties. No one waits for things like money for a house, careers etc. They manage to not let those different things interfere with each other. I wouldn't mind getting married soon. I know it's impossible though 'cause one, I don't have a job and two, David is still at uni. We have nothing to live on. And if you're wondering if I decided I want to marry him, I'm not 110% sure but I know I cannot be without him. Even though we don't agree on quite a few things, we've proved that we're both always willing to work things out and comprimise.

Last night we went out with Claudia and Mike. The hyped up club sucked. Every second person smoked, music not to our tastes and the volume too painful to bear. David and I left before 12:30am. We even managed to get on the last train. I was really happy that Mike and David got along quite well, with Mike even telling him things Claudia never told me. Our boyfriends are very different but they both have the ability to get along with pretty much anyone so that works out well. Claudia told me she called my agent (which made me really happy) and has an interview with her tomorrow. I gave her some advice for the interview since she doesn't have much experience in them. I just wanted to boost her confidence so it would show tomorrow.

Today David spent the day at my house, even though we were doing different things. I was doiing housework and he was watching TV. I wondered if that's what it's going to be like if we live together. I wasn't too disappointed in him 'cause I knew he usually helped out at home and he said he hadn't had a day to do nothing in ages. Which is true.

After I finished my chores, we hung out together. That was really nice. Spending time like that with him always makes me sad when he leaves.

When Bad Days Become Good

You know how "bad things come in threes"?

1. I lost my mobile phone
2. David's car battery went flat and he couldn't go home
3. David and I had a fight on our 8 months anniversary

Losing a mobile phone was very stressful but fortunately it turned out it was in a store I was in and the guy who worked there picked it up and called my Mum. I'm sure he looked through my messages too which was a little embarrassing considering there was a sweet one from David. But I'm happy I have it back. It's amazing how much I rely on it.

David came over on Thursday and when he was going home, his car battery turned out to be flat so we had to all the NRMA guy who came one and half hours later instead of the "under one hour" the woman on the phone promised. I started getting fidgety for David because I was worried he wouldn't get home when he was supposed to as he had to wake up early on Friday. He didn't seem too worried, he was like, "Yay, I have an excuse to spend more time with you". He left two hours after he planned to.

On Friday, he met me for lunch and gave me a little present (which was unexpected). It was a keyring which had a button that switched on a laser light shining in a shape of a heart. Even though he obviously didn't think of this but it's quite symbolic since he shines love into every corner of my life. (No need to "aww...") It was pretty cool, especially when I accidentally pointed it to a wall of my house and the heart was covering the whole size of it.

After work he came to my house and we drove to the beach. In the car we had the most stupidest argument that when we got there, he said he wanted to go home. I didn't want us to be like that so I told him I wasn't going. He got annoyed. I got annoyed. I thought he was going to smooth things out as he always does but he didn't. I decided I could be the first one to make it better this time.

When I told him I didn't want us to fight, he said he didn't either and apologised. I asked him if he was really going to leave and go home with us fighting and he said he was. I said, "But you always make things better" and he said, "I know, I wanted you to make the first move this time". Typical, I knew it.

So we made up and it was great. We went back to my house where we talked for so long. It was so hard for him to leave even though we both knew he had to as he had to work today in the morning.

We're going out tonight with Claudia and Mike. Should be fun. Claudia wants to go to a club I don't really want to go to but I haven't been coming to so many outings with my school friends that I feel guilty.

Got to see April on Thursday (the day I lost my mobile) which was good. I was planning on spending the day with her but on Wednesday night David called me and said he was in a really bad mood (because of work) and all he wanted was to see me so I rearranged my plans with April so that I'd see her in the morning and spend the afternoon with David. It was funny that when he came, rather than me cheering him up, he was trying to calm me down because of my lost phone. But it all turned out well and that's all that matters.

Do good things come in threes too?

The Premiere

I got a little surprise call yesterday, from the Director of the first film I helped out on. He asked if I wanted him to purchase a ticket for me for the premiere. Of course I did. I'm so excited! It's going to be in a film festival.

Job Search Update

I had a second interview for the cinema advertising job and the woman who originally interviewed me said she wasn't too impressed with the candidates so I had a pretty good chance, and after the interview she told me that I did very well and that she could tell the Producer liked me more than the others. I was supposed to receive an answer yesterday but I didn't. So I guess I didn't get it after all. I guess I'm not too disappointed as it's not really a design job. And they never mentioned the salary and I didn't think there was a good time to ask. Disappointing but not a huge loss.

The agent who got me last week's temp job called me up to ask if I wanted to work at that company in an administrative/research role because they were interested. Even though the package was very attractive, I realised I would just be wasting time working in a job which would lead nowhere. Plus it would be extremely boring and I'd have to be stuck in it for at least a year.

I told the agent that I had a friend who would be very suited to the role (Claudia). I gave Claud the details and urged her to go for it since she had a very good chance being recommended by me. I hope she applied but I don't know. She's not very motivated. I get a little annoyed trying to help people who don't want to help themselves and don't take advantage of opportunities.

I have an interview next week for a very appropriate position but I'm not very confident and I'm worried I might not like the manager who I'd have to work with. I was told she was a little difficult.

At least I have something but if it fails, I have to try again. Having had these last few interviews boosted my confidence a little and will give me energy and motivation to look further.

Temping

I have finished my one week of temp work. I've progressed from stapling and filing (my first temp job last year) to telemarketing.

My boss purposefully came into my room and pretended to file something while I was on the phone. When I hung up, she exclaimed, "Good!" Then she turned to the other two guys in the room and told them how professional I sounded and they should be the same. If only Renee heard that. Wish I could see her face. What a nervous wreck she made me making me think I couldn't talk on the phone. This boss also told the big manager how good I was and the big manager asked if I wanted a job in telemarketing. I politely declined.

I told them about my plans to be a graphic/web designer and even though the big manager said they don't have any positions available, my boss sent my portfolio to a few of her contacts and said she would do her best. If only all people in charge were like that.

In the room where I worked, there were two men - a gay 46 year old who would not shut up and distract me from my work and a late 20s friendly guy. The gay guy was unbearable. He would just not close his mouth and the most self-centred things would come out. He thought the whole world revolved around him. He believed his views were the only right ones. Then he also didn't mind telling me intimate details of his relationship with his partner (e.g. "When I first met him, I couldn't even touch him, he was just too hot! I have a picture, just look at his bod!" but that wasn't the worst so consider yourselves lucky you didn't have to listen to the other stuff).

I was so happy when he didn't come on Friday. Actually got to finish my work. I got so sick of calling up companies asking for information. Some were unnecessarily rude. When I told the guys about one of them, the gay guy said, "Don't worry, I'll send an assasin over there tomorrow". I'm not a fan of telemarketers but it's not like I was calling people's homes, I was just calling companies to find out the email addresses so that my company could send them an email invitation to one of our free seminars (with free food and cocktails) and people didn't want to give that out. If I was planning on sending spam, I wouldn't call them up and ask politely.

Anyway, I'm glad to be out of there because I was getting too bored.

Mush

How can I write what's going on? Too much of everything. Feel like I'm losing any ability to think coherently in order to write. But want to write anyway.

Cosmic. Supernatural.

Perfect Timing

I'm far from spiritual but today I felt that everything in the universe was perfectly aligned to make me have the most perfect moment of vanity.

David called me to tell me he could meet me after work so I gladly went to meet him. As I was waiting for him, guess who called out my name? Come on, you know. Who else but Amy? You knew it, I know.

She hugged me like a long lost friend she cared deeply about. The same old superficiality. I played along with it but not as much as I used to.

She asked what I was doing and I told her I was waiting. She asked for who and I wouldn't say properly, on purpose.

She managed to show off about doing an internship at one of the largest international firms. I could've disappointed her and told her I was temping to show her I wasn't trying to compete with her like she always seems to think. But I couldn't do it. I told her I was working. She asked where and it took me a few moments to remember the name of the company I started temping at today.

She asked if I wanted to come to lunch with the others tomorrow to catch up. How nice of her to only invite me because she saw me accidentally. Really sweet. I told her I couldn't because I had an interview at a company I really wanted to work at. Half true. (I do have an interview, just after work, not during lunch.) She asked which company and for several seconds I couldn't remember. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I was making everything up. She asked me if I still had the same phone number, I told her I did and didn't ask about hers. Not going to pretend to want to call her.

So while we're there talking about all her achievements, David comes with his usual grin and gives me the biggest kiss on the cheek. Her face was priceless. Her smile stretched all over her face and she lost her tongue. I know she always thought of me as someone who wouldn't get far in life and I know my life always made hers feel better. Well, not anymore. I introduced them to each other and unlike her usual constant chatter, she couldn't talk much. She even stumbled over "Nice to meet you". The devil inside of me that always wanted to show her that I'm better than she thinks I am was in heaven (or hell, if that's where he prefers to be).

We said goodbyes and left. I couldn't wipe the evil smile off my face. Does it mean I have low self-confidence to find so much pleasure in showing off my boyfriend? I reminded David about what I already told him about Amy. He was like, "That was her?!" Then he added, "I should've kissed you on the lips". Can always trust him to support my immature ways.

I could tell he missed me from the way he was acting. He said seeing me last night wasn't enough. He needs a whole day. I told him about my every second day theory and he agreed. He was like, "I wish we could go on another weekend trip. I just want to hang out without anyone else". I knew what he meant. It's soooo good when it's just the two of us, pretending to live together.

We were talking and he said, "I really want you to be successful so when you have kids, you can show off". I said, "I don't want to show off." He replied, "Yes, you do!" so I said, "You can show off for me". He said, "Of course, I'll show off about my wife!"

Rewind. Did he just refer to me as his future 'wife'?!!!! I acted cool and didn't react. Does he see us married? I know he always tells me that he wants to be with me forever but isn't that what all couples tell each other? Then he just started listing all the things he loved about me. I guess I should be a bit worried that they were all physical but hey, I'm confident in my personality qualities so I don't mind being reminded about attributes I had no say in. I'm pretty confident he likes my personality too so I wouldn't be too worried about that.

Anyway, tomorrow I have an interview at the media company and got called today about the design role (interview I stuffed up) asking me for a second interview next week. Not sure which one I want more but I'm going to try my best for each.

Christine organised a get-together tonight and I had to cancel again. Wish I could go but I was too tired after work. I bet if I organise something, she'll be busy. I hope she doesn't think I'm not going 'cause I don't want to, since that's not the case at all.

Can't Stay Away

So much for not seeing David till Wednesday. He called me at around 6pm and asked if I wanted to come over for an hour or so. Even though driving there just for an hour wasn't too appealing, seeing David sure was. Remembered that time he drove to my house just to see me for 15 minutes and that got me very motivated to go to his place.

For most of the time we sat on his balcony and he told me in detail the deep conversation he had with Ryan last night. It satisfied the nosy part of myself. Then I told him how addicted I was to him and he said he felt the same. He said he was thinking of surprising me and coming over today because he missed me.

I'm so much better now, having seen him. He reminded me what day next Friday was and I couldn't believe how fast time flies. It'll be eight months! It got me thinking that I want to start having serious discussions with him. I want to know what he wants from our relationship and how he sees his future. I want to know now what he wants his life to be, rather than later. Don't want to be one of those couples who go out for years and still don't know anything serious about each other so when they get married, they find out they are not well suited as life partners.

Can't bring it up out of nowhere though. I need the right moment...

A Night on the Town

Before David, I used to watch Gilmore Girls on Saturdays. It was the perfect escape from any lonely feelings that would surface with the reminder of not having anything to do on a Saturday night.

Then it got cancelled and only started up again recently. However, now that all my Saturdays are busy, I never got back to watching. Until yesterday. I was meeting the uni girls late so I got to watch the beginning. And now I'm hooked again. What makes it better is that I can relate to things I couldn't before. Little things that I wouldn't even notice. Rory and Dean tried to make out in the car and Rory said, "Ow, my hair!" Something so seemingly insignificant ran so true in my mind. It's so rare in movies when the leading actress would complain about her hair being in the way when in reality it always is.

Went into the city to meet uni friends. Even though I purposely came late, I had to wait for 30 minutes. I hate waiting by myself late at night. Tried to make myself invisible but some guy came and tried to talk to me about God.

Messaged April so I would look busy and no one would bug me. April messaged back so that little exchange took about ten minutes. Then, messaged David and as expected he called me and talked with me. He kept saying, "I don't like this! They're all coming together and they're making you wait by yourself for so long! I don't like this at all!" So had to calm him down by telling him that I was really fine and it wasn't such a big deal. And that I wasn't planning on going out with them for a while.

When they finally came, we went to a club event that was better than I expected. Dancing put me in a great mood. Plus, I needed the exercise. Accidentally looked at a few guys and they might've thought I was trying to make eye contact with them because they kept staring back. So after that I tried not to look at anyone. A guy tried to dance with me anyway, on my way from the toilets. Wished David was there. Imagined he was and all the flirty things he would say to me.

I was offended that after we finished they didn't even offer to wait with me for my bus. With my school friends, we never leave any one of us to wait alone in the middle of the night, especially if everyone but one is going together. They gave me a lift a little closer to the bus stop but that's it. How rude. Fortunately no one creepy talked to me while I waited. On the bus, however, some old guy tried to talk to me. He actually was sitting far away but when the bus started getting emptier, he moved to the seat in front of me and asked if I spoke Spanish so I just shook my head and looked out the window. Then he asked something else but I just ignored him. Closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

It's weird that when I'm alone at night dressed in clubbing clothes, I get very self-conscious and feel like everyne's staring at me. But when I'm with David, I feel like no one's looking. And only David can see me.

"I had a fight with my loved one yesterday and now I’m sad. Missing him like crazy. But I won’t call him. Let him know for me."

- the always amusing POBian radio

Too Many Emotions

It's so ironic that only recently I was complaining about other people being ruled by their own illusions and here I am, just the same.

When I found out that I will not be able to see David until Wednesday, my "I'm fine alone" feeling evaporated. It was easy to be fine when I knew I'd see him tomorrow but now that I know I have to wait for four days, I'm driving myself crazy. When he hung up, I actually felt like he was upset at me, even though there was no reason for me think that. So here I am feeling bad for no good reason, only because in my head I decided that he was upset at me.

Now, I don't feel like going out with uni people, just want to hang out with David. But of course I'll go and probably think about him the whole time, wishing he was with me.

Felt like such a blabbering idiot when I messaged him to ask if he was ok. I was looking at the message for like 30 minutes wondering if I should send it or just get over it. I sent it. He called me straight away and asked if I was ok. He said, "Is it because we won't see each other tonight?" and I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. Why the hell did I do that? Why couldn't I say what I felt - I'm going to miss you tons. When he said he'll miss me tonight, why couldn't I say, "Me too!" I said, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have fun with Ryan". And then rather than talking more to him I said, "Ok, I'll let you go" so he said, "Ok, bye!" and hung up. What did I expect him to say? "No, let's talk a bit more. Please don't go"? Why am I upset that he didn't say it? I'm being way too sensitive.

I need to step back a bit and look at this objectively. Four days is not four years or even four months. It's good to have some time apart. (Oh my God, if only I could convince myself of that.) He's not upset at me. It's not his fault he has to work on Monday too and can't see me tomorrow. It's not my fault I'll be working next week and won't be able to see him.

I wish I could see him at least every second day. I would be totally happy with not seeing him for a day every once in a while. I need some alone time too. But not almost a week!

Funny how I used to be able to deal with years of not having anyone and now that I finally have David, I almost break down if I don't see him even for a couple of days.

(At least blogging calms me down and forces me to straighten out my thoughts. Very therapeutic.)

Too Busy for Friends

Christine invited me to dinner with the girls last night and I had to say no, again. I already agreed to spend time with David, especially that I wouldn't be able to tonight. I couldn't cancel on him. It would've been great to catch up but I wish she would've given me some more notice.

Told David about it and he was like, "Why didn't you tell me?! If you wanted to go, you should've told me!" I said that I'd rather spend time with him and he got all worried that he was getting in the way of me spending time with my friends. Had to convince him that wasn't the case at all. He was my first priority.

I'm going out with uni friends tonight and unfortunately none of their boyfriends are coming so David isn't coming along either. Quite disappointed about that. Won't see him until tomorrow night. He offered to meet me after my friends and come home with me. I think that's too unnecessary.

The good thing is that I'm quite ok that he's not here right now. Not like last week when I was going insane missing him. I'm perfectly happy alone today, even though I'm really looking forward to speaking and seeing him.

Took the Risk

I made my decision, I will not go to the second interview with the manager on Monday. I simply don't want to use my graphic design referee for this and they won't give me the interview without it. I emailed the agent telling her I've received two other offers and had to decline going ahead with this one.

Even if I did end up getting it, I wouldn't like it. There's a lot of boring web maintenance, it would take 2 hours travelling time and the hours are long. I also would have to figure out all the difficult technical stuff myself which might be very stressful and time-consuming. Even if I don't get any of the other jobs, it still wouldn't be worth it. I'll just pretend I didn't apply for it. Because I wouldn't if knew the location straight away.

Just hope I get one of the other two jobs I want.

The Imperfect Match

Is anyone interested how the 'double date' went?

Well, let me just say that I'm not too motivated to help April anymore. I got so frustrated with her. After about 15 minutes, she told me there was no way they would ever be more than friends. I asked her why and she said there was no 'click'. How the hell are you supposed to know if there's a 'click' after 15 freaking minutes?! I didn't have a 'click' with David for a few weeks!

This guy is very intelligent (he's at uni on a scholarship), doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, sporty, has a sense of humour, friendly, ok looking. Why can't she give him a chance? Who knows, it may lead to a lot of happiness. I told her that if she just likes him as a friend now (which is totally understandable, she just met him), why doesn't she go out with him a bit more and get to know him better. She said she doesn't want to lead him on and use him. I think that is so ridiculous. This guy isn't going to break down if he realises she's just going out with him but has no deeper feelings. He might be exactly the same!

I didn't think David and I had any future for months! But look at us now, I feel like we're going to be together forever. Imagine if I didn't give him a chance because we didn't 'click' straight away. I would be missing out on all this happiness that I didn't think was ever possible.

We let them talk alone a bit and I kept trying to overhear what they were saying but wasn't having much luck. (The fact that David kept distracting me didnt help either.) Later when they were walking behind us and David and I were acting silly as usual, I couldn't hear them say anything. I could feel the awkwardness of their silence. Just felt lucky that I had David. One thing David and I have in common is that in big group situations we're both very quiet but together we never shut up. I don't even remember what we were talking about, I just know we were laughing a lot.

At around 9:30 April got really edgy like she couldn't wait to leave which really didn't relax me. It's hard to try and have a good time when she looked like she was in pain. It happened so many times before! I always end up feeling guilty that she's having a horrible time. It's like she won't even try to enjoy herself. David kept insisting on driving her home so she wouldn't worry about keeping her parents awake. But no, she wanted to go home right now.

Since she left and we were with the guy, we didn't even get to dance. Just went home pretty much straight afterwards. David insisted on driving me home. He brushed my hair and said, "You look so pretty tonight, I wish I could dance with you". I don't know why but when he said it, I just got an electric shock in my stomach. Then he leaned over and urgently said, "I love you. I would do anything for you." So I got another electric shock in my gut. Then...

Too Many Opportunities

I have a major dilemma. Interview 3 seems to be leading to a desirable outcome. Well, the 'supposed' desirable outcome. In truth, I'm realising that I don't really want the job. And the agent called me today to tell me she organised an interview with the manager and to ask for a referee. I gave her the woman that liked me in one of the temp jobs. She asked for the guy from my graphic design job. Told her I didn't have his contact details on me (which was true).

She emailed me, asking me for the referee I'm not too keen on giving. I don't want to to use him (or even the temp woman for that matter) for a job I don't actually want. Apparently the agent already called the temp woman so it's too late for that. I'm supposed to go see the manager of this job on Monday. I don't know what to do! If I tell them I don't want the job anymore, I'm going to so regret it if I don't get any of the others. But if I do end up getting it, I will be annoyed at myself for missing out on all the chances for jobs I'd actually like.

The interview today was great! The woman who interviewed me seemed really cool. Very friendly and easy-going. The job isn't exactly a design one but it's pretty good anyway. If I do get it, I can probably say good-bye to growing my career as a designer. But the atmosphere of the place definitely gave a great first impression. Very relaxed and fun.

Here is the summary of my potential jobs:
1. 1 month contract that only starts at the end of January
2. marketing/design assistant (Interview 2 that I stuffed up). The manager gets back at the end of January and will only have an interview with her in February.
3. job that I'm the closest to getting - don't actually want it - too far, lots of boring work, no assistance with the hard stuff
4. cinema advertising job that I would love, only that it's not going to use my uni skills and not sure where I can go after that

I already got the second interview for today's interview because the woman said I impressed her. It's funny, it actually turned out that she didn't even see my new CV that I sent for this position. She got my details from an old resume that I sent for a graphic designer position.

I wouldn't mind going to the interview with the manager for the job I don't really want but it's not going to happen unless I give the agent my other referee that I don't want to give. Guess I will have to tell her that I got another offer. Man, I'm going to hate myself if because of this, I will not get another job.

Any advice is welcome.