The Perfect Store

Went shopping today. I love not having to save up for anything and working full-time. If I really want something, but don't really need it, I can still get it. Because what other reason is there to work if you can't spend what you earn? Of course I don't mean that you have to spend everything you earn but there's less of a need to be extra cautious about what you spend your money on.

Although I associate spending money on (almost) useless things with women who try to compensate for the missing parts of their lives with material things. How sad. Wish I could go and shop for a boyfriend.

The Boyfriend Store
salesperson: can I help you?
me: well, do you have any really intelligent funny ones?
salesperson: we actually have those in that corner over there. They seem to be very popular and selling fast.
me: I understand. Do you have any left?
salesperson: let's go and have a look.
me: what are those, falling out of the storeroom?
salesperson: the returned ones. We're told they're beyond repair.
[in a hushed voice] They don't even want to be fixed.
me: *gasp*
salesperson: that one even came with a free bonus
me: "Drinking problem included". How generous!
salesperson: we like to do what we can.
Are you getting one for yourself or someone special?
me: someone special for myself! I've had enough of giving others presents. They're never grateful.
salesperson: tell me about it! It's so hard to please anyone these days. Mother's Day is coming up and we still get unsatisfied mothers from last year. They say we ruined their lives. Doesn't the thought count for anything?
me: obviously not these days.
salesperson: so here we are...
me: ooo, I like that one!
salesperson: yeah, he's cute. Would you like to have a look?
me: can we actually open the box?
salesperson: of course! You can try him on in the fitting rooms to see if he suits you
me: great!
boyfriend: Sky, I've been waiting for you all my life
me: awwww... I'll take him!
salesperson: the 5 year warranty is included. If he breaks your heart, just bring him in and we'll give you a replacement of your choice, free of charge.
me: perfect
salesperson: how would you like to pay?
boyfriend: please, let me. I insist.

Ah, if only it was that simple.

A Different Look At Romance

I was listening to POBian radio online and some guy sent in a message for his girlfriend.

"When you see stray dogs or get cold, you press yourself closer to me but I enjoy it. And I love that it's mutual."

Don't think I'd ever hear something like that on Australian radio. There was something so raw and romantic in this almost childish observation, I can't get it out of my head.

Subconscious Talking

I dreamt that I met Max and he brought his girlfriend. She was blonde, short and kinda chubby with a friendly smile and not perfect looking but gentle. We met in some field that had his house on one side where there was a party going on. He looked really good. And smart. At first I thought it was his sister but then I saw that he was holding hands with her as he was coming towards me. He introduced us. Then some of his friends started coming to his party and as they walked past us, I realised his friends were the smokers from my tour in America. He was about to introduce me as his net friend but I gave him a look to stop the introduction. He looked at me weirdly. I asked how they met (he and his girlfriend). He said they met at a guitar class.

I kept thinking that at least David will have a uni degree but it didn't really help because Max looked so intelligent.

After a bit of an awkward chat we said final good-byes and parted.

What a strange dream to have.

He still hasn't replied to my email. I talked a lot about my wonderful job and graduating from uni. I wonder if he thought it was a way for me to put him down that he didn't go to uni or didn't have an intellectually challenging job. Although that wasn't my intent at all, I could see that it might've looked like that to him. But when I sent it I thought that if he got offended by it, it was because he had issues with it, not me.

Anyway, it's not like I'm still hung up on him. It's just that I'm so used to him being a ghost in my life that it will probably take time for him to completely disappear from my thoughts.

Tired of Nothing

It's weird that the less I do the more tired I get. All day I've been in a state of blurriness. I guess it could be my sore throat and a coming on of a cold but it's most likely that I haven't been doing anything productive or out.

I wanted to catch up on all my library books so I could finish them soon but even though some of them are very good, my eyes were just closing.

I had a nap during the day which is such an old person thing to do. When I woke up, I still felt fazed out.

Ran out of my homoepathic medicine and the clinic didn't have any more in stock so I have to wait a few days without it. Such a relief that I have a reason not to take it.

Craved chocolate and fresh bread all day. I wonder why I never hear of guys ever craving anything specific. It's usually just females.

Watched my tape of Desperate Housewives again. It was weird to see the actor who played the nanny because I remember when she was on Party of Five as a child. She was Claudia's first real friend, who introduced her to smoking and then turned out to have an abusive stepfather and when Claudia told Charlie (the guy who's on Lost now), he took her out of her home. Don't remember what happened to her in the end. But it's cool in a way to see an actor grow up through different shows. Plus, she played on The Practice.

I ended up calling Veronica on Thursday. She's having the absolutely best time at her new job. I wish she stayed at my job longer.

Yesterday I got to do something fun at work which was great. I got access to some production companies film notes and press releases because I had to write a movie synopsis for one that I had to design a promotion for. Did not feel like work at all. Wish every day was like that. It made me more determined to get into the film/television industry. Will wait till this job ends to figure out my next step.

I read my journal that I kept when I was in America. It brought back so many wonderful memories. It feels like it's been a lifetime ago. I know I never ended up writing about the end of my trip. Maybe I will later. Only to relive the experience.

English Genius

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The Scariest in Life

Can't help but think that this time last week, I was enjoying myself with BG3. Maybe this time next week, I will be doing the same.

Although yesterday after my 'church experience', it became too clear that I could never have a serious relationship with him since he believes in God. I guess I could ignore that bit for now. I think I can ignore most things.

After the church concert last night, April and I almost got hit by a car while we were crossing the road (on green light!). The car swirled around from the corner, not even slowing down and hitting April's bag which totally freaked me out 'cause I thought it hit her side. I automatically (and stupidly) stretched out my arm to push the car back from her and ended up twisting it a bit.

My Dad later asked if I got the car's number plate but I was too shaken up to think of that. All I could think was if April was ok 'cause after I heard the sound of the car hitting April's bag (and I didn't realise it was just the bag), and she stumbled backwards, I thought she was going to fall over and that totally scared me because I would not be able to deal if anything had happened to April.

Last night I saw a girl who used to go to my school and she told us that one of my favourite teacher's son died in an accident while working for the army. Couldn't stop thinking about it because I remember how she used to tell us about being against him working in the army. Her daughter also did ODV with me when I was at uni so it's scary to think of what they must be going through.

Then, the singer from yesterday also said how one of his closest friends died when he was 22. I guess in this sense, religion would be comforting but since I don't believe there's another life after death, it scares me more than anything in life.

The Brainwasher

I should've known that going to a concert at a church was not such a great idea. (Especially since I could've been out bowling with David and his friends which April so kindly reminded me of.)

It was so silly and naive of me to think that just because Ellen (who knows I'm not religious) invited me to see some musician at her church, it didn't mean he was going to be singing Christian songs.

When April and I got there, we sat apart from the rest of the people because we wanted to have a private conversation about things that we usually talk about. However, Ellen decided that it was a great time to get all her church friends to come and make us feel welcome. Everyone was so friendly and nice, I decided not to tell them to go away and let me and April entertain ourselves. Not sure how many times I went through the standard introductory chit-chat. Was very glad I had a job and could flaunt it around.

"Oh, I do graphic design at [company]"
"Wow! Isn't that really hard to get into?"
"Yeah, but you know, I was lucky."

I think April enjoyed saying that she did Law but for some strange reason people didn't look as impressed as others usually did.

"Oh you do Law? Oh my God, graphic design, that's so cool!"

Even though the singer had a nice voice and I liked his tunes, I absolutely couldn't take his lyrics. Other than all the parts about Jesus dying for us, personally, what really angered me was when he said, "People say that innocent people died during the 9/11 attacks. Innocent of what? Maybe murder but were they really innocent? Jesus was truly innocent and it was a real tragedy when he died because he was the only one who was pure."

Excuse me while I go and throw up.

I felt sick listening to what he had to say. He was retelling stories from the Bible as if he was there. And he said that he was there which really made me pity him even more.

Also got agitated when he said that the best way to live was to extreme. That is the absolute worst way to be. It's the extreme people who cause all the problems. There needs to be balance.
Decided that I hate the word 'worship' because to me that implies not thinking for yourself and just following someone else entirely. So stupid.

And he was talking about God as if he was a person who he knew personally. When people personalise ideas and make them human, it just makes it more certain that they are not real.

I felt pity and anger and frustration tied together while I was sitting there watching everyone pay attention to what he was saying.

I feel the world would be a better place without religion. It's like one huge brain-washing cult that took over so much of the population.

The Anti-Social Work Life

There's a new guy at work who catches the same train as me to work. I'm so happy that now I'll have someone to talk to on the way to work.

Little things like that make me so excited now.

Work is too anti-social for my liking. I basically sit in front of my computer for most of my day, and only talk to other people about work.

I really should call Veronica. I keep putting it off. Not sure why.

The Cleaner

Last week I met one of the cleaners at work. I met her in the toilet (which is truly horrible). She thought I was someone else. I thought she just came out of jail.

Last week when I was heating up my lunch in the most disgusting kitchen in a really dirty microwave with the warehouse workers all around me, this cleaner came in and angrily shouted, "No one better make a mess after I cleaned up! Everyone OUT! I said out, OUT!"

I tried to make myself invisible since my lunch was still in the microwave and I just couldn't leave it there. She then came up to me and quietly said, "Don't worry, I don't mean you".

Now, every time I see her, she's so friendly to me and looks happy to see me.

I'm scared.

Very scared.

I'm Not A One-Time Wonder

He called he called he called!

We talked. I said, "Pardon?" more times that I think I have ever before. I'm sure his English will improve eventually.

We're meeting in 2 weeks. I can't this Friday. He can't this Saturday and he said Sunday is his study day.

Like it matters. We're meeting and that's the only thing I care about.

Work tomorrow should be fun :)

Judgement Day

Today would be the first day that would be a good time for David to call. I think that since I'm so anxious for my phone to ring, it will not. That's just a life law. The more you wait for something, the less likely it's going to occur.

Tomorrow I can start counting down how much time there's left for him to call, because by the time this week ends, I can be sure I won't see him again.

I hate my guy-obsessive nature. I should go and call Veronica or something to see how her new job is going. It would be a waste to lose contact with her. But of course, I have to think in my stupid way: what if I make plans to meet her and David calls and there won't be a convenient time for both of us to meet?

Doing this is almost like making him not call.

I spent all day at work thinking about scenarios with him in them to make my day more enjoyable. I won't be able to do that anymore if he doesn't call.

And no, I'm not calling him. I did that last week. It's his turn.

You know, he said that I didn't look South American during daytime. That's like saying that I only look pretty in the dark when he can't really see me. And I'm sure he got put off by the fact that I never had proper relationships.

I think I'll just make myself think the worst so the disappointment doesn't hit so hard. What happened to my non-caring if I see him again? Where did that feeling go?

Miss Uni So Much

I finished my beginner dance class! I'm looking forward to the next level, especially since Andy agreed to come with me. Might make him practise with me so I can impress David.

Oh, what am I even talking about. I might never even see David again. Silly me, getting carried away again.

So don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Can't believe how much I miss uni life. Well, actually I can. I remember I looked forward to going to uni, it was almost like going out 'cause it was so social. I did all the work at home.

Maybe David can call tomorrow and make me feel better?

I wish.

Graffiti

"You asked what was more important to me, you or my life. I told you, 'My life' and you walked away, not knowing that YOU WERE MY LIFE!"

- anonymous, back of a train seat

Mum's Views Change

Mum: how come Claudia was so late yesterday?
me: her boyfriend slept over and she didn't want to wake him up in the morning even though he was supposed to give her a lift.
Mum: Claudia has a boyfriend?!
me: yeah, for over 6 months now
Mum: really?! So it's just you and April left without boyfriends.
me: and Amelia
Mum: it's your and April's turn to get boyfriends now.
me: yeah
Mum: is Claudia's boyfriend Asian?
me: no
Mum: it's funny how Claudia and Christine both have white boyfriends. Maybe you and April will have dark ones.
me: what do you mean by dark?
Mum: Asian
me: what about dark from other countries?
Mum: like?
me: what country do you want?
Mum: Actually your boyfriend should be dark
[because my ethnic background has predominatly dark people, even though we have caucasian shaped features, but you would never think I had that background because I'm fair]
me: and what if he was Asian?
Mum: oh, I don't care anymore. As long as you're happy.

I was so surprised by her saying that 'cause I know she wants me to marry someone from the same background as me. She really changed. Probably because she thnks I'm a lost cause and she'd be happy if I had anyone.

Sharing - Betrayal?

Last night, April called me after she got back home. We talked till 1am about Saturday. I was wondering if I was betraying David by telling everything to April. I tried to excuse this by saying that it's not like he's my boyfriend or that I told everyone about it, just her. And some to my brother, but not all. The two people I tell everything to. I made myself feel better by thinking that I wouldn't mind if he told his closest friend/sister everything about me.

Even though it seems like I wrote everything about him here, I haven't written the personal things he told me. So it's not that bad, right?

I don't think I can totally convince myself of this. Yet I find it so hard to keep all my thoughts to myself. I felt such relief after sharing with April. It would be cool if my boyfriend was my best friend so I'd just discuss everything with him and won't have to the need to tell others.

Is there someone in your life that you tell everything to?

David: The Good And The Bad

April and Claudia left. Only got to tell April bits of what happened yesterday while Claudia was in the toilet or in the kitchen. I wonder if she heard anything. Didn't get to tell April about anything bad so she must think it went perfectly.

Every time I think of yesterday, I either remember the bad things about him and get instantly put off or the good things and get a crush on him. And I can never remember the good and the bad at the same time. There were a couple of times when I forgot what I didn't like about him.

Will write a list.

Bad
- used to smoke
- believes in God
- thinks speeding is fun
- got drunk
- used to not care about studying
- used to be close minded
- does not want to settle down
- likes danger
- too patriotic

Good
- likes dancing
- has the exact same music taste as me
- deep
- smart
- gets along with his sister
- knows when I'm joking
- has a sense of humour
- has close friends
- open
- gives me butterflies in my stomach when he's close
- older
- studies hard
- confident
- admits to being a show-off (self-awareness of bad characteristics erases them)
- social
- talkative but a good listener
- attentive
- enthusiastic
- likes adventure and travel
- friendly

So the good things outnumber the bad but some of the bad are pretty bad in my mind. I think it might be impossible to find guys who don't believe in God and don't have any faith. And that's something so important to me. Religion always ruins everything.

And the major point for one of the categories is either:
The Bad: He doesn't like me
The Good: He likes me

For now though, if he likes me, I don't care about the bad things. He would definitely do for a first boyfriend or even just a good friend. Someone to hang out with.

More Afterthoughts

I went to sleep at 10 o'clock last night which is so way too early for me but I was tired. Then today, I woke up before it got light, must've been about 5am, if not earlier. I can't believe I'm awake so early.

Today, April and Claudia are coming over so it's going to be a nice and relaxing fun day. I called April last night to tell her about my day but she was out and when she got back, I was already asleep so I'll have to wait even longer to tell her about David, since I can't say all the details in front of Claudia. And April and I are still not totally over Claudia not telling us she was going out with her boyfriend for over 6 months. I mean, we're supposed to be her closest friends. So I'm not in a completely sharing mood with her at the moment.

Fortunately I got to tell Andy about yesterday so that was cool. He thinks every guy I tell him about is great. And he always wanted to go to South America but the friend he was going with changed his mind so he thinks he can go with David. I told him it's not happening 'cause David isn't planning on going back there. I told Andy he took me to his favourite place and Andy said, "That was quick!" but I thought, it's not like it's his secret favourite place. If it's his favourite, why not go there? If anything works out with him, it might be my favourite place too.

Really hope I get to see him again. The good thing about knowing there's no real future with him is that there're less expectations. Like, it really doesn't bother me that he thinks marriage is committing suicide because I would never marry him. Although honestly I didn't really believe him when he said it. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself because his friends back home were getting married and settling down. It's normal there to get married in early 20s, like in POB. And you know what, I didn't even bring up that topic in the first place.

It's weird that yesterday, I didn't really think I'd even be thinking about him that much, but now I can't help it.

Afterthoughts

Did I ever say that I love when guys have laughter in their eyes? It makes them 10 times more attractive.

David had laughing eyes.

Oh and I found out he's 22, almost 23. His birthday is one day less than 2 months after mine.

And he said he respected me for feeling strong about not drinking for the sake of it or smoking. No one ever said they respected me for that.

When we were together, I never really felt it was surreal, like my 'date' with Andrew. It felt really normal and wasn't awkward at all, like I expected. I did not have a goofy grin on my face like last time. I think I was more natural. When he was driving me back to the station and I was quiet, he asked me a few times if I was ok. I guess the silence wasn't that comfortable for him. I was fine, just listening to his music and watching the sun set all around me.

The more I think about today, the more I want for this not to be a one-time thing, like last time.

David's and My Day Out

I spent almost 6 hours talking to David today.

We didn't watch movies or do anything specific to entertain us. We just talked. He's not exactly RG but I liked talking with him. He has the exact same music taste as me. We were singing along to the radio in his car.

He definitely doesn't feel like a stranger anymore. What impressed me was how much he knew. He's well read and very active (hopefully he didn't get put off by my unsporty self). Wasn't too impressed though that he used to smoke and likes to speed. The latter definitely put me off. But I guess it can't hurt to have him as a friend.

There was one embarrassing moment though.

D: do you have a boyfriend?
me (trying to lighten the atmosphere for myself): no, do you have a boyfriend?
D(smiling): boy friend or boyfriend?
me: same as you asked me
D: no
me: do you have a girlfriend?
D: I had one.
me: so you don't anymore?
D: we broke up 2 months ago
[He then went on about how it's harder for guys to get over girls than the other way around so I shared my general wisdom on relationships without relating anything to myself, for which he was definitely waiting for.]
D: So you never had a boyfriend?
me (in my head): oh no, ****, ****. This question isn't supposed to come so soon. No no no!
me: nothing seri... important, really
D: why not?
me: I'm too picky
[I then went on about there being no point in going out with someone I didn't like]
me: and I went to an all girls' school
D: that's no excuse!
me: ok, I'm just very picky

Fortunately that was a good enough reason for him.

He asked me if I wanted to go bowling, skating, clubbing with him and his friends. Of course I said yes yes yes. (Although I remembered that I can't go bowling 'cause I promised to go to some concert with Ellen next Friday). April could benefit from everyone going out together.

And he apparently took salsa lessons and got to the Intermediate level so he said he'll take me to a Spanish club which would be just so totally cool since my friends are not interested. He said the company where he took the lessons, asked him to join them. He must be good.

So maybe he's not really my type but he sure would be fun to hang out with.

After we hung around in the city for a short while, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. At first, I thought, is this guy safe to go with and decided he was. He took me to his favourite place. It was a park near the ocean and was really beautiful. We walked around on the uneven rocks and watched fishermen and families enjoying the beautiful weather. We spent most of our time there. We talked about things that you would usually talk with close friends but he was very open so it was easy to discuss things like relationships, friends, families and just life.

He gave a me a lift back to the station which was nice, although when I offered for him to drop me off at a more convenient place for him, he said he was dropping me off at the next traffic light. So he could definitely make me smile. Maybe he could make me laugh later. I made him laugh a few times which was very satisfying. One of them was when I did my impression of the only Stars Wars moment I knew "I am your father". I didn't even expect it to come out as it did.
When he said he'll call me, I got worried 'cause that line is like a death sentence. But we'll see. Maybe for once, something can work out for me.

Ooooh ahhhh

Ooooh ahhhh,
I lost my bra.
I left it in my boyfriend's car.

Gotta love such original lyrics! Such rhyme!

Job Contract

I talked to my manager today about the length of my contract and he said I have this job for at least another month. I said the longer the better and he seemed glad.

I'm actually glad there's an end on the horizon because I don't want to stay at this job forever. Just want more experience.

Maybe I can think about film school afterwards...

Not Caring

Oh my God. When I saw the pop-up message saying I had 2 new emails, for some reason, I thought, "One's from Max" and I haven't been thinking that every time I got new email. And guess what? It was. How weird.

Not really, I guess, since he did say he was coming back (from wherever he was) at the end of April.

The email was so typically his style:

Hi
thought I'd say hi
;)

I'll probably reply just for the sake of it. Not going to go crazy over him or anything. I have David for that right now. And he can't even speak English as well as Max. But at least he has some ambition and obviously isn't afraid of hard work. Or even asking me to meet him. Max still hasn't asked and he had 5 years to do that.

I wonder how David's going to pass his exams with such bad English... I hope he doesn't fail because he's meeting me and won't be able to study during that time. Although he did say he had the whole long weekend to prepare.

At least, I have something interesting to look forward to this weekend. Must get in that set of mind where I don't care about impressing him because that's when I'm at my best.

I'm So Brave

I did it.

We're meeting this weekend.

He seemed surprised to hear from me, but surprised in a good way because when I asked if he wanted to meet in a few weeks, after his exams were over, he quickly said that this weekend was fine.

He said he's been studying a lot. I see that as a sign that's he's not some creepy drug addict. So that's always something positive to think about.

Have a feeling it's going to be awkward. But must stop thinking like that because the only thing that's going to make it awkward for me is what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling at that time.

A sure confidence boost would be to talk to my friends beforehand. That's definitely going to be possible because I'll be seeing Amelia on Friday and she always makes me feel good. And I'm going out with my uni friends that night as well. So I should be nice and relaxed by Saturday morning.

Unnecessary Nerves

I haven't felt knots in my stomach since one of the last times I did public speaking, and I really didn't expect to experience the same feeling again.

But now, every time I think, "I'm going to call David now", I seriously feel like all the nerve endings in my stomach received an electric shock. I don't even like him at all. And I'm sure he's going to be happy to hear from me since he gave me his number. Then, why do I freaking feel like this? Like I care what he thinks. Stupid nerves. They always get in the way of normal life.

Sure, I can take the easy way out and just email him back, but I don't want to do that because it's going to make organising to meet up more difficult than it has to be.

Ok, I'll call him.

In 10 minutes.

Waiting

Good things come to those who wait.

Well, some good things, anyway.

After 6 dance lessons of having to intermittently dance by myself because there were not enough guys to go around, today guys outnumbered girls! I had two guys standing in front of me at one point because neither wanted to dance by himself. Now they know what the girls felt like. Fortunately for them, we were only one girl short. It's funny how girls have no problem dancing by themselves but not one single guy would. The leftover guy would just wait near the wall until it was his turn.

We get to do really intricate things now that look really cool. It's the best fun.

I wonder if David knows salsa... Am I generalising when I think most South Americans know it?

God, I don't know even know him, but I've come up with a nice picture of what he's like. Most likely I'm in for a shock. Still haven't replied to his email but that's because I decided to call him tomorrow night. If I were him, I'd be wondering what I said wrong and expecting for him to change his mind about meeting up. If he's like that, he'll be getting a nice surprise tomorrow. If he's more easy-going than me about such things, I only have more respect for him.

A Day Just To Think

Today was a wonderful day of absolutely nothing. I wish it wasn't over.

It's so nice just to be able to sleep in and read and catch up on some people's blogs and just nothing much.

Went to the homoepath in the morning, but she just gave me more stuff. I'm so sick of constantly taking medicine. I don't even remember what it was like not to have to take anything. Stupid gallbladder. It ruined everything. Anyway, I've been doing well not dwelling about it but today I just started to reflect on my annoying condition and some self-pity set in. Must remember things could be worse. A lot worse. It's not like I'm in pain. Just itchy. Not like it's life-threatening or anything. Just a nuisance.

Maybe I'll just think of how interesting it would be to have a South American boyfriend. Or friend. God, I'm so easy for guys to chat up. It's kinda funny actually to think of myself as 'easy'. Or the type that chats up strange guys. Although, they were the ones who started talking to me first. It's weird remembering how before I wouldn't dream of encouraging strange guys to talk to me.

You know, the 'guys on public transport' thing started in high school. There were numerous guys who tried talking to me when I was catching the train home. Will never forget the surfie guy who sat next to me and said, "Do you want to see something really cool?" and even though I ignored him, he took out his water bottle wrapped in a towel and said, "Even in this hot weather, my water stays cold". And I just raised my eyebrows, gave my friend (sitting opposite me) a look and wished the weirdo would leave.

Or this other time when some guy (from another school) started talking to me and then when I got off at my train station, he got off just to ask if he could have my number and I said "No".

There was another time in the later years of high school when Allison and I were sitting near the water one night talking and some guy sat next to me and said, "How are you?" and I just gave him a death stare, stood up and got Allison to move somewhere else with me.

I was suspicious of every guy. I don't know why.

But even though I acted like the ice queen, I was secretly pleased to have all this attention.

I wonder why I was like that. Maybe my parents telling me that I shouldn't talk to strangers when I was little got too deeply ingrained or something.

And right now, I'm the total opposite. If a guy doesn't seem too sleazy, I'd talk to him. I just realised that thinking every strange guy is a potential murderer or some other dangerous psycho isn't very realistic or helpful. I mean, you never know what a wonderful person you might meet if you give them a chance. That's my new way of thinking. This doesn't mean I'm naive to do something stupid. I just decided to be more open and not think the worst of people before I get to know them.

Please please please David doesn't smoke or get drunk or is religious or dangerous. Everything else I can deal with. If he's religious, I could always just keep him as a friend.

Anyway, I bet nothing good will happen anyway so I won't have to worry about these things.

Coincidence?

I realised something today in the morning. I met BG3 on the same day of the week as I met BG1. It's the day that's supposed to be a lucky one for Aries. Not that I believe in that rubbish but coincidences are fascinating to me.

The End of This Blog

I wonder if there'll be a day when I just don't want to continue writing in my blog. There were so many blogs that I loved reading that just ended.

Right now, I don't see it happening any time soon. I guess I would not be able to finish this blog until I fulfil the title of my blog and find what I'm searching for. If I stop before that happens, it'd be like stopping a book before the ending.

Sometimes I think of my blog as a book of my life.

Maybe when I find that contentment and fulfilment but would still want to blog, I might start a new blog and call it "Life: Found". Hmm...

There I am getting ahead of myself, again.

Please Not A Date

So BG3 emailed again. His English is so bad I'm almost getting put off him. Looking on the bright side, at least he won't notice my bad grammar. And I always think so fast, my mouth can't catch up so I end up talking a lot of nonesense. Oh well, he probably wouldn't understand even if I did speak properly.

I was talking to April earlier today and she said she'd be angry if a guy didn't speak English properly and I thought that was kinda mean. But now I see the complications. Are 3 years enough to learn a language? I'm pretty sure I learnt it faster but it is easier for kids to learn these things.

He gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to meet him next weekend for coffee. Really hope it's not going to feel like a date 'cause that would ruin everything. Wish he could just meet me at uni next week (since I have to go anyway) but unfortunately he's working that day. It would've been more casual which would've been much better.

It's so ridiculous; if I was meeting a girl friend, it would feel just as casual as meeting at uni. I was actually thinking of meeting Veronica next weekend, but right now guys come first.

I need to stop behaving like such a teenager. I'm an adult, for God's sake, why can't I act like one?

Good News

April isn't moving, April isn't moving! I feel like singing.

Must Not Get Carried Away

David emailed.

No big deal.

Really wish certain people would stop reading my blog.

Incoherent Ramble About Nice People

fWhen I was 14, my aunt Naomi came from POB to visit us (and Australia). This was when she was a little older than I am now and before she was married and had kids. When she would get all the heads turning as she walked because she looked absolutely stunning (unlike now, after getting married and having kids and growing up).

When she stayed with us, she'd act like an older sister to me. She'd give me advice about what kind of guy to marry in the future (funnily enough, she didn't take that very same advice when she married her husband) and I would generally look up to her.

One day as she was ironing and I was hanging around at the door telling her about some annoying girl from school who I didn't like, she said "You don't like anyone". I was really offended that she thought I was that type of person.

I know, even now, that I don't like every person I meet. But when I meet someone I like, I really genuinely and truly like them. I might not like every single thing about a person but that won't stop me from generally liking who they are.

And some people are so easy to like. I love people who are genuinely warm inside. I saw my uni friends earlier this week (after a while of not seeing them) and I started to really miss talking and hanging out with them every week.

Anyway, I don't think I've reached the point I wanted to make very well. That was: that if I feel like someone is sincerely nice inside, they can say anything to me and I would not get offended. Now it sounds like I'm talking about Naomi, but I'm not.

I'm being vague now 'cause I can't say what I want.

Max said ages ago that I "change it to people". If we ignore his articulation skills (and mine right now), he meant that I'm a different person with different people. If I like someone, I become friendly and easy-going but if I don't, I get defensive and tense and stand-offish. I act so differently, you'd think I was two different people. I guess nice people bring out the best in me and the others bring out the worst.

It's easy for everyone to tell if I like them or not.

A Risk Worth Taking

Lately I've been thinking about what I really dream of doing every day. That's making movies/TV shows. Before I never gave it serious thought 'cause going for a career in film/TV production is so risky and I'm not a risk-taking person. But now that I have a degree and getting work experience, I really started to wonder if this is a risk worth taking. Especially now that I'm still young and don't have many responsibilities.

A while ago, during my unemployment, I registered as a volunteer for film productions at a film school. There's going to be an information day soon and I really can't take any more time off work (not that I've taken a lot of time off but I did have to leave early and take a day off for graduation). And even if I do leave early for that, when am I going to find the time to do the actual volunteering? Maybe they'll end my contract soon and I'd be able to do it.

I was even thinking of taking a course in directing but they are so expensive. I guess I'm willing to pay if I decide I might get something out of it. The good thing about volunteering on productions is that it's free and beneficial to everyone. Plus, it increases my chances of getting into that excellent film school that has a 95% employment rate. But getting in is nearly impossible.

But I will find a way of getting my dream job. Not sure how just yet but it's something I can actually influence (unlike the hopeless boyfriend situation).

Another Addition

You will not believe this but there is now BG3. I wonder if he can be in my BG club if I know his name and email?

I met this one at the same bus stop at which I met BG1. And I only went there 'cause I was at uni today and had a tiny bit of hope that I might see him if I go there. So while I was standing there waiting for the bus (thinking, "Yeah right I'll see him. There's no chance that would ever happen"), some guy came up to me and asked when the last bus came (exactly what BG1 said). So then I told him and he asked what I studied and I had to tell him I didn't anymore and we ended up chatting all the way to the train station.

David is from South America and thought I looked South American. How, I have no idea since I'm pale. But Rory from Gilmore Girls is Hispanic and she looks Caucasian to me. So hey, who am I to say what race I look like. And being told I look South American is a compliment to me since I think the majority of South Americans are good looking.

When we had to part, I said "See you later" and then turned around and blurted out, "Actually, I'll probably never see you" and he asked for my email.

So, that's that. Will try not to get my hopes up since last time I did that it didn't turn out too well for me. But it's hard again. I'm sure he didn't ask for my email if he didn't want to contact me, especially after I said I'll never see him again (which was not supposed to come out of my mouth).

Oh well, we'll see what happens. If nothing else, at least my BG collection is growing.

Letting It Out

April and I have talked many times about whether talking about obsessing over something actually encourages more obsessing. And so we decided to stop talking about our main topic of obsession for a while. However, just because we didn't talk about it, didn't mean we stopped thinking about it. It got even harder that we had all these thoughts and couldn't even talk about them so we ended up feeling even worse and decided to stop our little idea.

I firmly believe that talking about, writing or some other form of expressing how you feel is very helpful. I can't speak for every single person because maybe there are people who feel better by not expressing themselves in any way but I really don't know anyone like that.

So when I write long entries about obsessing over RG or feeling like I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life and any of you think, "Just get over it!" you can stop reading because this is my way of getting over it. After I write everything I want about my obsessions, I stop thinking about it because I've let it all out and have no need to do so anymore. Until next time I start feeling like that.

And as a side note, I absolutely hate having people tell me what I should do and how I should be. Unless I ask or if it's from someone I'm close to who has some useful suggestions. But I even get annoyed at my Mum telling me things like I should wear more make-up to work or I should wear skirts more often. Argh.

I Want It All

I have found a really witty blog that really interested me but then when I read how the blogger is completely content and happy because of her husband and child, I just couldn't read it anymore. Reading about other people's happy love lives makes me feel even worse about mine. It's horrible that I'm at the stage where other people's happiness makes me more depressed.

I hate how my life is passing me by so fast and I can't stop it. Getting my job involved a lot of luck and being at the right place at the right time, so why can't I be lucky in love.

I always said that I'd be able to be happy with having RG and nothing else but I could never be totally happy with everything else but RG.

For some people, their careers are enough or their family and friends are enough. Why can't my life just be enough for me. I feel so spoilt even writing this. So many people would only wish for my life. Am I one of those people who can never be happy? I sincerely hope not.

Sometimes I think, "Would I be really happy if I had RG but not my family?". What if I couldn't talk to my brother ever again or not have my parents' support, or no friends to like me for me, could I really be happy?

I imagine for a tiny moment what it'd be like if I got home to find something horrible happened to my brother and then the next day I find RG. But even thinking that makes me so terribly sick that I vow I'd rather never have a relationship than something bad happening to my brother. Or my parents.

Why can't I just have everything?

What Happened To My Life?

Next week is going to be different.

First of all, I won't have Veronica to talk to and have lunch with anymore.

Secondly, my manager decided to delegate tasks more efficiently so I won't have to stay there till 7pm and barely have time for a lunch break (or any break for that matter). No more article writing for me, only designing graphics. I actually like writing and doing some research for them but I really just don't have the time to do them, as well as everything else.

Today, my manager asked me if I wanted to go for drinks with the others. I knew it would be great to socialise with people I work with but it would've been too wierd to hang out with a bunch of 30 to 50 year olds. And I was tired and didn't even know where they were going or how I was going to get back if it wasn't close to public transport. Hopefully I won't end up alienating myself.

I keep trying to spot a good time to ask him about opportunities for me stay on after my contract but he's always so busy. It's ok, I still have time.

My life feels so odd at the moment. Like it's not really mine. Uni feels like forever away and my life as a 'not yet an adult' is quickly slipping through my fingers. I spend most of my time at work. It's good that I can enjoy my job which makes things easier. On the weekend, I might see my friends, I might not.

Even though my life isn't that bad right now, I can't help but want something more. Yeah, a boyfriend would be nice. Since I can't get one, I end up dreaming of things that I can achieve, like travelling. Travelling is exciting, it's adventurous, it makes single life more meaningful. Or maybe it's just an excellent distraction.

My favourite part of my life right now is my dance course. I'm past halfway and Andy likes it enough to want to do the next one with me. If I stick with it for 2 years, I can reach the Advanced level. I think that class is the only time when I can truly enjoy myself without wanting a boyfriend. And it's the first thing that I've done with my brother outside of home. I like the times before and after class when we just chat or sit on the train, both listening to our music.

Reason To Rebel

My way of rebelling when I was a teenager was not to rebel (like everyone else). It used to make me feel superior. But probably not happier.

What Movies Are Supposed To Be Like

I got to see the beginning of Show Me Love last night. I saw the rest of it a while ago. Why can't more movies be as good as that? So human and soulful. And they should be shown before midnight.

Humourless

People with no sense of sense of humour can be really amusing. You can say anything and they'll take you seriously.

The Wonderful People Who Stay A Little Longer

I was so happy to find out that Veronica (the girl I mentioned yesterday) was staying till next week. She's so different to my friends, which I really love. She's really outgoing but not too loud. And she has a brother who's 21. Ok, I won't get carried away.

She's also really positive which is cool. Like when I said "I hope you actually like your new job", she replied, "I usually find ways to like jobs and adapt to them, even if I'm having a bad time". I should start this way of thinking.

She reminded me of the type of person who would have parents who would be friends with mine. Maybe it's because she's from the same part of Europe as me. I really don't know why I feel closer to people who were born in the same (or close to my) country, especially since I grew up here. I wonder if it's just psychological.

My manager asked me to stay back today to help him finish some stuff. I did (since I couldn't yesterday because of my dance class). When it turned 7 o'clock, I told him that I had to go. I could tell that he didn't want to stay himself but he had no choice. He didn't act annoyed with me though which I was worried about. He always tells me that I'm doing good work. I wonder if it's just encouragement for me to try harder or if he's really pleased with it. I guess I'll see when my contract is up and I ask if I can stay.

I saw the 23 year old guy again today and he SO did not look 23. He looked around 30 if not more. I think it was his longish hair and (I don't know how else to say it) colourless face.

I'm so going to miss Veronica when she leaves 'cause it's nice to have someone to take a break with and talk to during work.

I got thinking today that it's kinda weird that before (at uni) all I'd want is to meet a nice guy but now I'm grateful to have anyone to be friends with.

An Office Affair Or An Overactive Imagination? The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Ever since my first day at my new job, I noticed how my manager talks with this other woman. It's overly friendly and kinda teasing, on the border of flirting. And he'd always call her over to show her jokes he got and ask when she's having lunch. And she'd call him 'darling'. I was pretty sure that it wasn't the most professional relationship. Today, after another one of their teasing exchanges, I really got the feeling that there was 'something' going on. Not exactly sure what but they were definitely closer than just workmates.

So I was pretty shocked when my manager said to me, "I really need sleep. I stayed up till 3am last night doing work. Got in trouble with my boyfriend."

I was trying not to smile. Who would've thought my boss was gay. I always thought he was just a child-like adult who was really laid back and understanding. I liked how he always laughed the way kids laugh (the giggly can't hold it back kind of laugh) not the held back adult men one. And who had a lisp that made him sound like a schoolboy. I already came up with what his childhood was like: he was teased about it which was why he was so nice now.

I hope he stays like that all the time 'cause it sure makes the impossible deadlines at work easier to bear.

The Wonderful People Who Come and Go

Today in the morning, I got talking with one girl who works with me. And she's one of the nicest people I have met. She invited me to have lunch with her which I quickly accepted because having it at my desk was really getting to me.

She showed me the only cafe in the vacinity (since there's nowhere really go at lunch in that area) and we talked non-stop. It's not often you meet people who you just can't stop talking with; the conversation overlapping with no time for breaks 'cause there's so much to say.

I found out she also finished my uni last year, but she spend more time there. She also moved to Australia at around the same time as me. She lived in a country very close to POB (no wonder I thought her slight accent was so familiar). She had a weakness for bread and could eat it without anything, just like me. She also went to an all girls school.

She was telling me how she applied for a job she really wanted and was very nervously awaiting a reply. I knew how that felt.

Then in the afternoon, she came up to me with a huge smile on her face, saying she got that job and was starting tomorrow. My heart sank. Just when I found someone at work I could be friends with, she was leaving. It felt weird having someone be excited about leaving and getting a job somewhere else when I actually wanted to stay here for a while longer.

And there I was getting excited about having someone to talk with at work from now on. And they moved the 23 year old guy to another room, so now I'm stuck with my manager, some women and some old men.

I can hope that her replacement would be someone I like, but I highly doubt that he/she would be as cool as her.

Desire to Travel

I was reading about 2 Australian women taking a road trip through California and visiting the places where Lauren and I have been last year, and it made me yearn for the best adventure of my life.

I wanted to be back in San Francisco, eating the clam chowder and the absolutely delicious sourdough bread. I wanted to be back in LA watching a taping of a sitcom, I wanted to be back in New Orleans eating their traditional food on a busy Sunday morning and watching a free show near the river, I wanted to be back in New York walking the busy streets with something interesting at every corner. God, how I want to experience that again.

There were so many things that I didn't get to do that I would love to experience the next time I get to go (not anytime soon, unfortunately). I want to go to all the famous museums in New York that we didn't feel like visiting when we were there. I want to explore all the suburbs of San Francisco that we missed out on. I want to go to a proper LA shopping centre (how could we miss on going to one when we were there?) I want to spend more time doing the things that the locals do. And I want to visit the less famous states.

However, Europe is next on my list of places to visit. Then there's also Japan and maybe Canada. Maybe I can fit in USA somewhere in between?

Look Who's Laughing

Sometimes it's so much fun when people underestimate you because you can go along with their assumptions of you and then crash them with the reality that you're the one who's more aware of what's going on.

(Sorry if this sounds kind of vague but I'm talking about something specific I can't mention.)

Am I Real?

A while ago, I stumbled on an article that talked about a blogger who made up a character and wrote this character's blog as if she was a real person. Apparently, the real person (a middle-aged man) even conversed with his readers pretending to be this fictional woman. He said he did it as research for something or other.

This got me thinking if maybe I could do something like that. I mean it would be fun to pretend to be someone I'm not. I would be able to make up exciting storylines and adventures this fictional character would have. It would be like writing a book, only the readers would believe it was true.

So today, something/someone triggered another thought in me. What if some people think this blog isn't written by a real person? What if they think I'm just a character someone else made up?

(Although honestly, don't you think I would create some more interesting things happen to me?)

Missed Opportunity

I always think of fun things too late.

Yesterday, I could've written an entry about meeting BG/BG2 again and organising to meet up. I could've written about meeting Max accidentally. Now that would've been a fun story. I could've written so many things I always imagined because it was April Fool's Day. But I've wasted that opportunity and will have to wait till next year.

Although, I did find out yesterday that the 'friendly enough' guy sitting next to me is 23 years old. He's so not my type but I guess it would be nice if we could become friends. Plus, he has the same background as me. And I'm not kidding.

Testing Times

I didn't hurry to the platform from which I was supposed to catch my connecting train and just missed one. I sat down on the nearest bench to wait for the next one. Then, I thought that since I have some time, I'll just move to the next bench (since it was closer to the exit of the station at which I had to get off).

A couple of seconds after I sat down, I felt something warm drop on my head. I put my hand to touch my hair and what do you know, a bird pooped on my head. I looked up to see a fat pigeon fly away. To make myself feel better I tried to think of those face masks that are made of mud (which is really made up of about the same stuff as what birds eat). It was all a part of nature and really nothing disgusting. This thinking helped me get through it.

The whole incident just reinstated my hatred for birds. They should be taught some manners and behave like normal people (i.e. not go to the toilet on the heads of others).

I'm glad I had more than a couple of tissues with me. I kept wiping and wiping my head and probably looked like some weirdo. Then when I got to work, I tried to wash off that spot in the bathroom. Some lady came in and gave me a look. She probably thought I was some obsessive compulsive who had to wash a patch of her hair even at work. I bet she never had to experience such gross things and therefore would not understand.

Oh why did I have to walk slowly and miss my original train. And why did I have to move to the other bench, especially that the original turned out to be closer to the carriage which stopped near the exit at my station.

Even remembering it now (after I properly washed my hair) makes me feel really grossed out. Although, I did think, "I'll have a story to write in my blog".

Today, I also got moved to my manager's spot and got a better overview of what I'm going to be responsible for. I've decided that I wouldn't mind working here for longer than my contract because it would give me a very benficial experience that would improve my chances of getting into publishing. Not only do I get to design stuff, I also get to write articles for the company's newsletter (which gets sent out to thousands of people all over Australia).

And the people aren't that bad. I talked to some guy who sits next to me and he seemed friendly enough. Although, I couldn't help but think "I'm younger than all of you but have one of the highest positions". That felt good. REALLY good.

My manager seems to be a really great one because he's open to new ideas. Like, when I suggested something, he said, "Just because we've never done it that way, doesn't mean that we can't change to it". So now he told me to use my idea from now on. How cool is that? And I loved showing him one way of doing something quicker and better. It was cool to see him excited about it because he wasted a lot of time doing it the long way.

I SOOOOO hope they will keep me after my contract because my position will be open. My main objective is to not ruin my good first impression. That's always so hard.

The Real Career Beginning

I knew it was going to be hard to match the atmosphere of my temp job but I still had some hope that at least it would be an office buidling, not a warehouse with 2 rooms (which they like to call offices).

I guess it was better than the office where I had my trial. But I really miss the kitchen and toilets of my last job. The microwave and fridge here were so disgusting. And the toilets felt like the ones you get in public parks.

Don't really know much about the people (other than the guy in charge of me) but they don't seem like ones that I'd be friends with. They don't even seem like ones I could have lunch with.

At least the actual job is ok. I get to design pictures for most of my day (one of them is already online). And I solved my boss's technical problems which made me feel really good. Like I was the computer expert. And it definitely made me feel like he wasn't going to fire me immediately; he needs my help.

I guess it's a good job for a career start. Even if it's not the career I've always dreamed of, it is one I spent 3 years at uni studying for. And the manager seems easy to work with, especially now that we've established I know more than him.

I was so tired when I got home. I wished I had RG to greet me. To make my train ride home go faster, I imagined what it'd be like to come home to be greeted by a guy who was totally in love with me. We'd have dinner together while talking about our day. Then we'd curl up on the couch and talk and laugh like we were the only ones in the world. Then we'd go to bed, totally content and it wouldn't be so hard to wake up the next morning, knowing that we have each other. Today, this guy looked like BG2 (that's what I've decided to call the guy I met on the bus on Saturday).

When I told April about him, she suggested to start my own BG club. The rules would have to be that I only meet the guy once on a bus and never talk to him again (or find out his name). I guess I could start a collection. And BG2 is easy to see as RG because I know nothing about him and can think whatever I like.

Surprises

First of all, I'm so glad my comments are working again!

Secondly, the matchmaking game is over. Claud's brother isn't interested and could only recommend one of his womanising (according to Claudia) friends. My (yes, I own her) 29 year old doesn't need anyone like that. To be honest, I'm disappointed. I sort of expected it but I still had some hope that it might work.

Funnily though is that some stranger tried playing a bit of a matchmaker with me. When we were out clubbing last night, some girl came up and started talking to me. She looked a bit familiar (kinda like a bad version of Alicia Silverstone, which is still pretty good if you think about it) so I pretended that I remembered her. Turned out I didn't know her. She just came up to tell me that her friend wanted to talk to me but was too shy to come up himself and if I could go and talk to him. My ego shot up since that never happened before. Of course being me, I got a bit suspicious and wondered if this was some joke this girl was playing with her friends. Nadine was rolling her eyes at this moment. Amelia was getting a drink so she didn't witness this.

I asked which guy and when she pointed I couldn't tell 'cause the dance floor was so crowded. I told the girl if this guy wanted to talk to me, he can come up himself. So she went back to tell him that and while I was trying to see who it was and hoping that he could at least be a little cute, this not very attractive guy comes up.

Even though at first I thought it was a bit cowardly to get his friend to do all the work but then I realised that if he came up himself, I probably would've ignored him. This guy seemed really shy because he kept trying to initiate a lot of small-talk and I wasn't helping in making conversation. First of all, it was really loud so I could barely hear him. Then, his whole group of friends were watching us. I did ask him some things though 'cause I didn't want to disregard him just because of his looks. So later I disregarded him because he wasn't very smart. A more plausible reason. I know I would hate it if I ignored some guy who had the personality I was looking for because I wasn't attracted to him (and honestly, I can usually find something in a guy to be attracted to physically if I like his personality, even though it would've been really hard with this one). This was also after I asked about his friends (he could've had good ones but the only ok one seemed to be the girl who came up to me).

I was glad when Amelia came back and after 5-10 more minutes, I said good bye and we went to the courtyard. For once I was worried if the guy would feel rejected (which he was) 'cause I don't want anyone (nice) to feel like that. Nadine said that she just tells everyone to 'f*** off' no matter who they are. I think I just understand the pain of rejection (even from no one specific) better than she does. I don't mind ignoring random sleazy guys but I feel for the ones who have friends who care enough to help them.

And I think it's also the fact that I stood out to him (since I'm pretty sure he wasn't getting his friend to ask every girl since she walked past quite a few, including Nadine). Why can't I stand out to smart guys? But I'm not complaining. It was a pleasant surprise and I like those.

And I didn't expect to get a second one (which was something I DEFINITELY did not see coming.)

Before I mention the best part of the night, I have to say that when we went to the courtyard there was a fight going on and I saw a bouncer throw a guy's head into a metal table. I've never seen such violence in real life before (and it's definitely not like the movies). I've seen worse on TV and wasn't as affected by it as seeing it in front of my face.

When I saw the guy's head crash into the table, I automatically looked away. Nadine and Amelia have seen this before and were saying, "Yay! It's a fight! We get free entertainment". I hate violence so much I don't see the fun in watching it. Some people were standing up on chairs (including Nadine) to get a better view, like it was some show. When Amelia said, "At least, it's not *********. They would've already sorted things out with guns" which freaked me out because she put the idea of shooting in my head. Although, I guess it would've already happened.

I made them go back inside with me to dance. Fortunately, that guy and his friends were not in sight. At around 2, it started getting empty so we decided to head home. Amelia's bus came straight away but mine wasn't due in 40 minutes so Nadine waited with me. We really got to catch up last night. It's strange that even though we're more different than we've ever been (and we always were opposites), we can still talk like family.

Earlier that night, she was telling us about her friends/boyfriend dramas. And even though she has lots of guy friends, boyfriend and guys who like her, I wasn't even a bit envious. I do not want a boyfriend who smokes pot or friends who get drunk every other night and guy friends who are extremely rude and no respect between anyone. I was scared to ask her if she smoked too now but was glad when she said she didn't.

Apparently her new boyfriend is shorter than her and she doesn't care (which is admirable since her previous boyfriends were really attractive tall and smart guys). She said she lowered her standards because she realised that her current boyfriend really cares for her, not like the others. So it doesn't bother her that he takes drugs.

She knows I don't agree with all this and she said she understood why I don't but it doesn't bother her. Oh well, everyone's different.

At the club, she also asked me what kind of guy I wanted so I told her the summary. She said that the 'doesn't get drunk' part rules out all her friends except one but he doesn't fit the 'funny/witty' part which Amelia found quite funny. I told her I'd be impressed if she found someone for me. She said she'd keep her eyes open. Good luck to her. I said that basically I wanted an improved male version of myself and Amelia said that perfect people don't exist. Who needs a boyfriend when I have a friend like that?

When we were sitting at the bus stop, there were lots of people but they were all quiet and could hear quite clearly Nadine's quite personal stories. She didn't care. She even told me about her 20 year old friend who got married recently and was trying to get pregnant who called her up to ask where the 'hole' is. I'm surprised everyone didn't turn around. Only one woman did. I was squirming so much in my seat. Nadine couldn't care less that there were 50 people who were listening to us. She probably didn't even realise. She can be very unaware of herself.

When I sat down in the bus I noticed how some guy sat next to a girl in front of me and they started chatting. It reminded me of BG. But most things do so it's no big deal. Some old guy sat next to me. Why couldn't BG sat next to me? Ok, I'll stop with pointless questions. Since my ride was long and it was late, I decided to go to sleep. But a few minutes later, the guy next to me bumped into me when the bus turned because he decided to go to sleep too. I moved closer to the window and made him see that it was because of him. So I closed my eyes again when he bumped into me again, much harder this time. I know the bus made a really sharp turn but I'm sure he could've held on. He looked at me and apologised and I looked at him to say it's ok. And wait a second, this wasn't an old guy. This was a cute young guy.

Ah, who cares what he looked like, not like anything could happen. So I closed my eyes for like the third time and 5 minutes later, the bus turned and he sharply bumped into me again. I gave him an 'Again?!' look and he became alert and said he was really sorry, he was just really tired. And he smiled a really sweet smile. (But, don't worry, I'm not naive enough to fall for guys with sweet smiles.)

I said he had an extra hour of sleep (since daylight savings ended - something I found out only an hour before). He said it was great 'cause he had to pick up his brother from the airport today in the morning. He, then, asked me where I was tonight so I just said the area, rather than the place. It's not like I knew him. Then, I don't remember who said what but somehow we ended up chatting about trains and buses and where we lived. There's nothing like public transport to bring people closer together.

While we were talking, I was thinking, "This is almost deja vu from last year. There's no Amy here, everything depends on me! I've been given a second chance." I was thinking of saying "You look familiar" but that seemed like too much of an embarrassing pick-up line. Asking his name would've been a bit odd too since I haven't actually talked to him about anything other than public transport (unlike with BG).

When he had to get off, he said something and looked like he was waiting for an answer but I didn't hear what he said other than 'taxi' which he mentioned earlier he had to catch. I guess I don't really regret anything I haven't done 'cause I know it would've been inappropriate to just ask him his name since we didn't know anything about each other. I guess I could've said, "Did you go to [my] uni by any chance?" but I didn't think of it then.

Also, when he got up, he looked a bit older than I thought. But it's really hard to tell whether he was 22 or 30. And he was wearing a pale pink shirt. Do straight guy wear pink? Or am I just stereotying?

Maybe buses (or trains) are the places for me to meet RG. Especially night ones because everyone's more talkative then.

Just Don't Want To Know

I had a dream tonight where I accidentally met someone who read my blog. And this person realised it was me by my handwriting (hey, dreams are not supposed to make sense). And surprisingly, I didn't even care that much that this person found out after I got over the shock.

Maybe it's because I found out more about one blogger than I was supposed to and I've had the dream about the reverse of this.

If anyone recognises who I am, I don't want to know about it!!! Because if you tell me, I will never write in here again.

The Art of Psychology

April: u know, we're going to be 22 and alone one day
me: i'm going to be 21 and alone tomorrow
April: well i've been 21 and alone since monday!
and the day i turn 25 and i'm alone, i'm really going to lose it
me: i've already lost it
April: i think i might need counselling
me: i'll be ur counsellor :)
April: hehe
but u won't be able to tell me the benefits of being alone
me: it's not the counsellor's job to do that
how do u feel about being alone?
April: i hate it
me: how do u feel about hating it?
April: lol!
is this ur idea of therapy?
me: yes
it's everyone's idea of therapy
April: i feel annoyed that i have to justify my hatred
me: why do u feel u have to justify it?
April: cos u just asked me to
me: ok, time's up for feelings, let's get to your childhood
April: i don't think ur taking this seriously
me: i am!
April: don't quit ur day job! :P
me: lol
at least i have one, yay!

me: it's fun playing psychologist
April: ur being very stereotypical
me: so
April: it's not helping me!
me: that's the fun in it
April: i'm not having fun!
i'm still depressed!
me: i've only started! u can't expect results so fast
April: u just want to make lots of money off me by taking ages!
me: why do u see right through me
April: cos i studied psych at uni :D
me: well, u r getting free therapy
April: i can see why it's free :P

What About the Other Side of the World?

I was talking to a woman for who I did my first work experience job. I called to thank her for giving me a really good reference (which was probably the reason I got my new job). I'm sure it helped that she's a big CEO. (This was the woman who always asked me how my job search was going.)

Anyway, she suggested for me to expand my job search criteria and look outside Australia. At first, I thought there's no way I'm going to live and work overseas by myself.

But then curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see if there were any jobs worth going for outside Australia. Like ones in the entertainment industry (my dream job) since there's no point going overseas for a job that's only 'ok'. And I found LOTS of entry-level jobs in the entertainment industry. Mainly in Los Angeles studios. I really doubt they'd look at my resume since I'm sure they have plenty of local candidates but it really peaked my interest. I don't even know how they would interview me since I don't think the agency that advertised these jobs has any offices here.

All the things that stopped me from even considering something like this are all the things that only show why I should - still young, won't have anyone with me. It seems like a great adventure that I might not have an opportunity to do later.

Of course it's going to be VERY hard to live without my friends and family on the other side of the world (why does Australia have to be so far from everywhere else?) but maybe it'll give me a chance to meet new people.

I'll have to think about this some more before I consider applying for these jobs.

My New Project: Cupid

I've aimed my arrows and they're going in the right direction.

The first part of my matchmaking scheme had a positive outcome. Claud's brother doesn't have a girlfriend and she thinks he needs one so she's going to ask him if he wants to call my 29 year old.

I'm so pleased with this! And if he's not interested, Claud's going to ask about his friends.

So this is not over yet. Yay!

(I told April about this but she was in a bad mood so wasn't as happy about it as I was. She asked why I couldn't find someone for her. I wish I could find someone for everyone. Including myself. Especially myself. And if I did find someone for myself, I'd be doing 2 people a favour - myself and my RG.)

Playing Matchmaker

If my day was a cartoon, after lunch, you would see a lightbulb light up over my head.

At lunch the single 29 year old was saying how she doesn't know many people here and never has anything to do on the weekend. And this other woman said to me in front of her, "She needs a boyfriend!" in a joking manner but I could just feel the 29 year old's pain. For someone to say that so light-heartedly as if that was the easiest thing in the world to get is just mean. Of course, this woman didn't mean anything bad by it, but married people just don't understand the pain of being single (and 29). I can't even imagine what state I'm going to be when I reach that age.

So when I got back to my desk, something in my brain clicked.

Claudia has a 30 (approximately) year old brother. Last I remember, her brother lives at home and doesn't have much of a life. I think it's because he's shy but not totally sure. He seemed nice enough every time I saw him. And he is related to one of the sweetest people in the world, he cannot possibly be a complete loser.

The thought of setting them up got me so excited, I started getting carried away in my head by imagining being invited to their wedding and being thanked for making them the happiest people alive. It would give me so much pleasure to bring 2 lonely people together. I could be the fairy godmother. And it would definitely distract me from my singledom.

So now, I'm a girl on a mission. If it turns out Claud's brother found a girlfriend, I'm going to ask about his friends.

Can't wait to see what happens!

(And don't even think about what could go wrong, it's too much fun imagining what could go right.)

My Reward

My yesterday's entry that got deleted was about my career crisis and how I would look down on people who did the job I've been doing but now I was one of those people. I wrote what I wanted to be when I was growing up and how I happened to be on this career path. Basically, it was more of my self-pity and some reflection on judging people.

So today I was shocked that I got the job I had the interview for yesterday. Yesterday I was interviewed by an agent and if successful, was expeting to have an interview with the actual company. But somehow I skipped all that.

The agent called me today and said, "I have some good news and some bad news". I expected her to say that I didn't get the job but she found another one I could go for. After she told me I got it, I didn't know how she could have any bad news. Only maybe that the company moved to some location that would take me forever to get to. But her bad news was that I had to start on Tuesday and she was worried I wouldn't be able to leave at such short notice. She was obviously wrong. Something like a short notice would not stop me from accepting.

My manager was really nice about it and said that after I finish the contract (since it's quite short), maybe they'd have a position available for me. I wish I could take all the people I work with to my new job. I know how hard it is to find such a nice group that makes it so much easier to get up in the morning.

Fingers (and everything else) crossed, there are going to be nice people at my new job.

At least the actual job is a lot better. It's creative and involves communicating with different people and co-ordinating.

I guess, religiously applying for jobs every day paid off. One woman at work said to me, "You got it so easy!" after she found out I only had an interview with an agent. That irked me a bit because I've looked long and hard enough. Something was bound to come up.

It's weird how I got this so close to my birthday. It's like 2 years ago, when I got the bookshop job and a tutoring job on my actual birthday.

Really hope I like it. But if not, it's only for a short while. Then, back to another daunting job search.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've written a really long post and blogger decides to stuff up. And even though I learnt to copy it before I press the publish button, since I was doing other things at the same time, I copied another thing afterwards so the post got lost.

What Attention To Detail?

When I told my manager that I had to leave early, she was SO nice about it. She asked me about what sort of job it was and wished me luck.

I still can't get used to working with such nice people. When at the interview, the woman asked me what I liked most about my current job, without thinking I blurted out, "The people". I don't think I should've said that. I also don't think I should've showed my desperation by asking her (after we finished) to please say good things about me to the employer. I was just at the point where I felt like if I just left, any chance of getting the job would've been gone. Not that the interview went bad, just that it was so standard and I didn't feel like I stood out. Although I'm pretty sure I made her remember me by adding my last plea. How stupid.

Another VERY stupid thing that embarrassed me SO much was when she pointed out that on my Resume I wrote that I worked at one place from 2005 to 2004. Fortunately, I didn't say that my best qualities included being attentive to details. Just thinking about how many resumes I sent out with that mistake is horrifying.

Warm Inside

Last night Amelia had a birthday dinner. It was a small gathering but nice (not counting Georgia being there). Claudia even bought Mike (which was a surprise).

I miss meeting up with Amelia every week at uni. We caught the train back together and had a really good long conversation that we haven't had for ages (since the last few times we met up, there were lots of other people). She's finishing her last year part-time and works at a community youth centre which sounds very interesting.

When we were sitting there talking about everything without anyone else, it made me realise how much I miss seeing her every week. She's such a warm and interesting person. When I'm with people like that (eg. April), for that time, I forget how upset I am about not having a boyfriend. I guess my close friends fill that emotional connection that would be really nice to share with a guy.

If I never find RG, I hope I always have friends like that.

Rob Thomas Is Not Dead. Eminem's Daugher.

When I turned on the radio, I had 2 thoughts:

1. Ohmigod!! Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20 has a new song!!! (I, then, stopped making dinner and proceeded to listen to it as intently as possible so I could enjoy every bit of it)

2. I wonder what Eminem's daughter is going to be like when she grows up.

Seeing Guys

I'm not sure what happened yesterday but when I got into the dance studio, I thought I was seeing things that weren't there. How could it be that there seemed to be more guys than girls?

As it turned out, the other class (which had a lot of guys) got canceled and they all moved to my one. Too bad most of them were kinda old. There was also some creepy woman who was learning how to do the guy's part but when I had to dance with her, she wouldn't do it properly, but really forcefully. And when I said that she was making me turn too early, it seemed like she was in her own world and just kept doing it incorrectly. And she'd squeeze my hand really hard. I was glad when we got to change partners.

I also had to dance with some 60 year old gay man in a pink t-shirt who was almost as creepy as the woman.

There were no guys who really stood out to me. They all seemed heaps older than me, gay or just weird. Doesn't create any feelings of motivation to make conversation with them. Although there's one 30ish guy who always wears pink t-shirts who seems normal. I guess pink has a bad rep.

Also, when I was dancing with some old (for me) guy, he told me to not lower my arms when I was turning because it looked less elegant. And I thought, what does he know, he didn't even come to the first 2 lessons so I said, "Is this your first time?" and he laughed and said, "I'm a teacher! If this was my first time, I wouldn't tell people what to do". How embarrassing. I hope he didn't get offended when I asked him that. Maybe there were more guys there who were teachers and not students, invited to help out the class.

I hope it's always going to be more even now.

Train Observation #67

Yesterday, on the train there was a lady reading a magazine. On the page there was some pretty girl and a large title saying 'I Hate My Body'. Then I saw a lady in a wheelchair, holding onto the pole when the train was jerky. And I thought, people have no right to hate their bodies if they function.

The RG - Extra

Forgot to add something very important to last entry's list:

- not meet him over the internet

Especially this blog, because that would mean I will not be able to write here anymore. I'd only sacrifice that if I truly feel like the guy is worth it. Just try and imagine meeting someone who you don't really know but who knows your deepest thoughts. Very scary.

The RG

Must be
- older than me
- not religious/doesn't believe in God
- does not get drunk
- does not smoke
- has never taken drugs
- funny and witty; shares my sense of humour
- has tertiary education
- very intelligent
- wants a family
- good with kids
- has some career drive
- practical
- not a risk-taker
- attractive to me (not very hard, just be masculine and sweet looking)
- supportive
- kind
- caring
- loyal
- not stubborn, can compromise
- has good judgement
- reliable, responsible
- has a sense of fun
- interests me
- has inner-strength
- calm under pressure
- organised
- clean
- hygienic
- be willing to help clean (especially toilets)
- confident but self-aware
- thinks I'm the best person in the world
- shares a deep connection with me
- makes me happy and feels happy with me

Would be very preferable
- creative (preferably plays some musical instrument or has some creative hobbies or both)
- POBian
- has a happy family (without any serious problems) that will like me
- would travel with me
- no piercings or tatoos

Would be nice
- not obsessed with sports
- doesn't have health problems
- would go dancing with me
- can cook

Bonuses
- taller than me when I'm wearing heels (not too hard)
- dark curly hair
- dark eyes
- broad

What can I say, it's fun imagining my perfect guy.

That Time of the Year

That Time of the Year

Last night was April's birthday party. To my surprise, I had a great time! The party had all ingredients of a fun night - close friends, other friends I haven't seen in a while, new people to get to know, an absolutely delicious (not to mention beautiful) cake, great music (April has my taste) and dancing. This was a first party (since I can remember) when I left exactly when it finished, not early or before I had enough, and not late.

It was great to see April's relatives and family friends. I love seeing people when they're surrounded by those who knew them since they were kids and are friends with their parents.

It was also great being one of those people who knew her the longest. One of her uni friends asked me what April was like in high school and if she had any secrets. I said she was just the same (almost true) and that she had no secrets (not true) and the girl said, "Yeah, she doesn't seem like the type to have any". I should've said she used to be a drug addict who skipped school and was in trouble with the law, until she got into a car accident which caused amnesia and made her into a conservative person she is today. But I didn't think of it then.

Also talked to some guy who studied ministry. He was really nice. I was trying to ask him questions about it without seeming like I was interested in religion. Didn't want him to start trying to convert me. He didn't, though.

Talked to Valerie's sister for a quite a bit. It was just like talking to an older version of Valerie. While I was talking to her, some guy came up and just listened, without saying anything himself. Must remember to ask April about him.

Too bad all the guys that April invited were either her young family friends or ones from her church. Why don't my friends know any non-religious ones?

Ellen kept asking me about my dance classes. She said she wanted to come. I told her to bring guys 'cause there weren't enough and she said she'll ask. Why do I feel like she won't be coming?

This year, for some reason, I wasn't too depressed about my birthday. I just didn't really think about it. But now that April's is tomorrow, mine is so close. And I'm getting those horrible images of me being 40 and single, living in some tiny apartment by myself and still doing some administrative work. This has been happening every year for the last couple. Although I guess last year was worse 'cause it was the year that I wasn't a teenager anymore. From 20 to 21 isn't as much of a difference. Anyway, must not think too much of the future 'cause it just depresses me. Will try to continue living in the moment.

Yesterday my Mum told me I had 4 grey hairs and I totally freaked out and probably got another 4. Mum was telling me to stop stressing so much which stresses me even more because I don't think I stress that much anyway. Hopefully it was just a once-off thing. I wish I had my grandma's genes because she's 82 and still has most of her black hair. And everyone says I took a lot of things after her (body shape, height, eye colour, eye problems, some personality). I wonder if I'll take her getting married late too... That is, if I ever do get married.

Why do my posts always turn to depressing thoughts, even if I start with something good.

Relationship Bytes

True Story 1
A girl can't be bothered studying for her final school exams. She hopes her friends would hurry up so they could all go to the beach. The girl finishes school and gets a job licking envelopes at an unheard of publishing company in the middle of nowhere. She gets fined twice in her first week for parking illegally. The girl can't handle this and quits after a week. The girl gets a job at the company where I (and she) work now. She meets a guy who sits across from her. They have lunch together every day, telling everyone they're just friends. Five years later, they get married.

True Story 2
A woman's mother-in-law keeps asking the woman's husband if his wife nags him a lot. The woman vows never to nag her husband just to spite her mother-in-law.

The woman asks her husband to do some handiwork. She gives him a week to do it. She can never ask her husband to do something twice because that would satisfy her mother-in-law, something that cannot happen under any circumstances. He doesn't do it so she gets out all his tools to do it herself. The husband asks her what she's doing. She says she asked him to do it but since he hasn't, she decided to do it herself. The husband is protective of his tools and tells her he's going to do it right now himself.

The woman's mother-in-law visits them. She asks her son if his wife nags him. He can only say no.

True Story 3
A woman's husband says he's going hunting on the weekend. She says she's going out with her friends on the weekend. He says she can't. She gets annoyed. She says, "But you're going hunting!" and he says, "It's not the same." She says he tells her what she can wear and can't. He's possessive. She excuses it, saying she's the most jealous person so she knows where he's coming from. The woman from True Story 1 says to tell him that she's going hunting too, hunting for men. She's joking and everyone laughs. The woman doesn't. She can't even imagine how angry her husband will be if she tells him that.

When the woman leaves, the woman from True Story 1 says that she doesn't understand how you can have a relationship without trust. The woman from True Story 2 agrees.

True Story 4
A 29 year old woman spends her days working and studying. She desperately wants to meet that special someone but can't. She says Australian men in their 20s are like teenagers in adult bodies. Only on the lookout for a something short-term. She wants someone mature and serious. The woman from True Story 1 asks her to describe her type so she can keep her eye out for someone. The woman says that she doesn't want a 'Perfect Man'. All she wants is someone to give her a feeling of peace and contentment. That's all she wants.

True Story 5
Someone sits quiety listening to older women's tales of life. She wants to tell them her type so they can be on the lookout for her too. But after the woman from True Story 4, no one would feel like this one needs any help, being so young compared to them. They say wistfully that she has her whole life ahead of her. She doesn't think they understand that having your whole life ahead of you without anyone to share it with takes most of the enjoyment out of it.

Surprise

I was thinking about BG again while I was getting on the train. Imagining how happy I would be if I saw him again, when I felt someone pull my arm. I turned around and saw...

Amy.

You didn't think it was him, did you?

Her again. Why do I have to see HER and not HIM?!!!

The New Lifestyle

What I've learnt since I started my temp job:

- how to tell whether a pile of paper has 1, 2 and 3 pieces, just by feeling it with my fingers. (At first I could never tell whether there were 2 pieces stuck together or if it was just one, but now I can.)

- getting to a bank is impossible without taking time off work (since the bank I need is not close to where I work and I can't go there during lunch time)

- doing pretty much anything (non-work related) is impossible without taking time off.

- life is wasted away when you don't like your work (since it takes up most of your life)

- when I do get home, I have to choose between checking out the internet or watching TV since there's no time for both, unless I want to cut on sleep. Which I don't.

- going to bed at midnight is too late in order to get the healthy 7 hours of sleep.

- if you stay at the office the whole day, you never experience what the weather is during the day (since it's always cold in the morning and cold at night)

I miss uni SOOOO much! Sure I don't miss the assignments, but I'm at work for so long, it cancels out.

For the last week (and a bit) my day went like this:
1. wake up at 6:30 (which is early for me)
2. get to work at 8:40.
3. sort, staple, type, file
4. have lunch, chatting to the women (sometimes going for a walk with a couple of them)
5. type type type
6. leave work at 5:15
7. spend time being a sardine in the train
8. get home at 7pm
9. eat
10. check job ads and apply for them
11. check mail, blog etc.
12. either watch my taped shows or surf the net
13. make lunch for tomorrow
14. sleep

and back to 1 again.

I don't want to waste my life in this manner. If I'm going to be at work most of my life (which I know is a normal), I want to do something I would feel good about.

I think I'll do this job for a month (to increase my savings) and the ask the agency to find me a REAL temp job where I get some time off. Even one day would be enough for me. So I can call up companies and be even more active in my job search.

Anyway, I think I'm just experiencing a bit of a lifestyle shock. The laid back student way of living has drastically changed to a 9 to 5 (even more for me) every day job that leaves no time for anything else.

Even though I'd like to say I'll get used to it, I know I'm going to hate working at this job. I need to feel like I'm contributing to society in some way or at least doing something exciting so I don't feel like I'm wasting my life away at a desk, looking at never-ending numbers.

Just Curious? Not So Familiar Dancing Fever

The woman from work who asked me whether I had a boyfriend last week, asked whether I minded if she did. Was it that obvious? Or does she read my blog and know who I am? Of course, I said I didn't. But then something flew into my eye and it started watering and she thought I started crying. God, how embarrassing.

So, since I said I didn't mind talking about that stuff, for the whole of lunch, we had a deep and meaningful conversation about marriage and what sort of guy I was looking for. It was exhausting. I was glad to go back to work. The only reason I was open was 'cause I hoped she might know someone for me. I need any help I can get.

She also told me she was married to a distant relative. That's just so gross but hey, if she's happy, that's great for her. Sometimes I wonder if people like her ask these questions because they're nosey or because they don't see the big deal in talking about such topics. Even though she's married, she kept saying how hot some guys were. It really confuses me how people in serious relationships can say such stuff. I guess it can be in an impersonal objective manner but she really didn't sound like that.

People like that fascinate me 'cause they're different to the majority. I love hearing different perspectives from people with different backgrounds.

Not So Familiar

After work, I saw that girl who came up to me last week, saying I looked familiar. I was so happy to see her since I really wanted to tell her where we met before. But after I did, she said, "I never worked there." Hmm..... Well, then I've definitely never seen her before in my life. She was so openly friendly though, I felt like I could talk to her like I knew her. She was really pretty too. Maybe I can introduce her to my brother. He'd like her. Although she is a year older than him, but he doesn't mind. Hopefully she doesn't either. Oh my God, they'd make such a cute couple.

I'm so getting ahead of myself. Her parents probably don'teven let her date, especially non-Indian guys.

Dancing Fever

Either lots of guys read my blog or my mind because there were twice as many guys today at my dancing class. And the actual class was so much better than the boring one last week. It was actually challenging. Even though I was kinda tired after work and felt like going home, after the dance class I was so hyped up. We got to do really cool moves today. And there were some South American looking guys who could actually dance. They were old, but hey, in dancing, age doesn't matter. Sure I'd prefer to dance with cute looking young guys but it's always fun dancing with someone who can.

Some lady tried to pick up my brother. It was so funny to watch.

Lady: You're really good!
[me: can you not see he's almost stepping on your feet?]
My partner: stop trying to pick him up!
Lady: shut up

Lady: How old are you?
[me: younger than you, that's for sure!]
Andy: 18
Lady: Oh. That's so cute!
[me: *eye roll*]

The class couldn't go without some sleaziness from desperate old guys. When we were warming up by trying to follow really advanced moves from the instructors, the guy instructor ran his hands down the girl's body. He was just doing it to tease the guys and no one was expected to repeat that with strangers. It was just for a laugh and for the couples. But the guy I was partnered with goes to me, "Do you mind if I do that?". What the f- do you think?! So after I said I did, he said, "What am I supposed to do then?!" Oh my God, what a freaking idiot. Then later, when the guy instructor picked up his partner, this idiot actually picked up his partner (who happened to be the lady I mentioned earlier complimenting Andy) and wouldn't put her back down. I was just happy I had a different partner then who said, "I have back problems" which made me laugh since no one was expected to pick anyone up.

I guess my dancing class will make up for some stories for my blog.