Songs That Touch The Heart

Songs That Touch The Heart

She sits all alone reading books and drinking wine
Admires all the cracks by the doorway
She tries to look happy but shes slowly running out of smiles
Gracefully wasting away

Who is gonna make the birds sing?
Who is gonna be her everything?
Everyday goodbyes

She foolishly tries to convince herself that she'll be fine
She blows all her kisses to noone
As the phone rings again, she just closes her eyes
She covers her ears and screams "please not today!"

Who is gonna make the birds sing?
Who is gonna be her everything?
Everyday goodbyes

She cries and then she sighs
And gets down on her knees yelling "I don't believe what has happened to me"
She cries and then she sighs
And gets down on her knees yelling "i don't believe what has happened to me"

Who is gonna make the birds sing?
Who is gonna be her everything?
Everyday goodbyes.

I love Maroon 5.

Sign of Age

Sign of Age

I just realised that people being too cute doesn't impress me anymore. I think it's a sign I'm getting older.

Dear Reader,

Dear Reader,

I feel kinda restless now. So I'll do what I usually do in those situations - ramble here.

I've been wanting to say something about this here for a while now but didn't get around to it until now. I was going to say that it's really cool to have readers comment regularly. It makes me feel like I have a secret blog life with a secret circle of people that know more about me than some people in my real life since it's so easy to be open anonymously.

And what I really like about this is that I probably wouldn't even talk to some of you if I met you in real life because of a number of things such as large age difference and location and just a different place in life, yet it's so easy to talk to you here because there are no preconceived notions of what you or I are like in our daily lives and everything is so neutral because there are no expectations of anything. Everyone can be completely honest without any repercussions. It's like, it's just lots of minds talking to each other and nothing else comes into it. Not age, not looks, not status nor your place in society. That is one reason I would never meet anyone who reads my blog.

Anyway, I think this sort of arrangement is very cool.

Work and Friends

Work and Friends

I've done a number of different logos now and my 'work day' hasn't finished yet. Can't start on the web site yet because my 'boss' has to approve the logo first.

(As you can probably tell, I love saying how this logo and website designing is like a proper job.)

Yesterday when I told April about this 'job', she said that I 'always get everything without doing anything'. It makes me laugh just thinking about that because the last few good things have happened like that but before, I used to feel that I never got what I wanted without working hard for it and used to be amazed at how Nadine got everything without doing anything. April and my friendship is starting to feel like such a reverse of my friendship with Nadine.

Last few times I've talked to Nadine, all we talked about was uni and me going to America. I cannot believe that those general topics are the only things we can discuss now when before we used to talk about everything. But April and I are more similar than Nadine and I so hopefully won't drift apart so much.

Mystery Solved

Mystery Solved

It was my brother calling from his girlfriend's phone.

Mystery Caller

Mystery Caller

I've done one logo so I'm allowed one distraction.

About half an hour ago someone called my mobile but since I was in another room and didn't hear it straight away, I missed the call. It said it was from some number I didn't know. First thing that came into my mind was that it was from Andrew (who might've gotten a new number which would explain why he didn't get my other call and message) but then I told myself that was highly unlikely because why would he call me from work? And he could've also called me from his home number before.

I hate how even though I've stopped expecting him to call since last week, something as small as getting a call from an unknown number would bring all this hope back. Argh. And I know it's not from some company (eg. travel agent, tutoring agency etc) because they all have private numbers and they leave messages on my voicemail and they don't call from mobiles. They call from their office phones. So it was probably just a wrong number. Yep, that's what it was.

Ok, back to work.

Home Work and Other Things To Do

Home Work and Other Things To Do

I got a job. Well, sorta since I'm not sure if I'm going to get paid for it (depends on how much they like it) but I don't care. It's going to be great work experience.

I have been asked to design a logo and a website for a friend of a family friend. I can do all this from home which I guess doesn't make it seem like a real job. Maybe I'll put on proper work clothes when I do this so I can focus better. Otherwise it would just feel like some uni assignment which I do in short blocks (depending on when I get stuck) and make trips to the kitchen in search of snacks and get distracted by the internet (especially writing here).

Although they are not in a rush, I've given myself a 2 week deadline so I can get it done before I leave for America. I will start from tomorrow and will set specific work hours and a lunch hour so I can get into some routine.

Here's my plan:

9-10: start work
1-2: lunch
4: finish

Great work day, huh? I think so too.

Oh, and no music while working. No wait, maybe a little. Only if I work faster. Will pretend my boss is in the next room (to make me get less distracted).

I'll see how it goes.

Now that there's only 2 weeks till America, I'm starting to realise how many things I still haven't done.

Still need to get travel insurance.
Still need to buy Disneyland and Universal Studios tickets.
Still need to email that American girl to see if she wants to meet us in New York.
Still need to call the tutoring agency so they can find someone to replace me.
Still need to finish all library books.
Still need to get shoes.
Still need to get a ticket to a TV show.
Still need to get everyone's Christmas presents because there won't be enough time when I get back.
Still need to alter my dress for the formal.

Still need to write a proper list of things to do.

Wish of Wit and Cleverness

Wish of Wit and Cleverness

I've always wanted my blog to be full of witty and clever observations on life. But then again, who doesn't? (Most, probably, just don't think about it.)

I've also wanted some funky design for my blog but since I can never decide on what I want it to look like, I just stick with the boring Blogger style. At one point I even decided to just change the background colour to a slightly different shade of purple/morone and see if anyone would notice but it just looked wrong so I left it this way. I think that as long as this blog exists (either forever or until someone I know finds it and recognises who I am), this design is the only one it will have.

Not Quite Over and Famous People

Not Quite Over and Famous People

It feels strange now that I've finished my uni assignments a few days early. Very unexpected. No one else has finished which makes me think that I should've done more work. Hopefully I'll be able to scrape through with a pass with the work that I have done.

April and the others are not not going to be finishing for a while. Some still have exams. Claudia is the only one who has finished already (apart from me). We should've organised to meet up today. Oh well.

Next week we are all meeting up for a little farewell party for me and Claud (cos she's going overseas as well). We'll be watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I've been waiting to watch that movie since I read the book. I remember I even posted a few entries about it here and here.

I also found Zach Braff's blog. You know, the main guy from Scrubs. It's great to read famous people's blogs to see that they are just ordinary people. (Which most of us know deep inside but it's still nice to know directly.) He gets over a 1000 comments for each post. Not surprising considering he is a celebrity. Speaking of actors being ordinary people, Renée Zellweger sounded so down-to-earth on that Oprah special yesterday.

No Pressure = Inspiration

No Pressure = Inspiration

It's funny how now that I've finished my course, I have all this new creative energy that's been missing for the last 3 years when I needed it. I've been designing a Flash photo album for some of my digital photos. I'm actually having fun doing it when there's no pressure to get good marks and finish by deadlines and make it good enough to put in my portfolio. It's just for me and I can do however I like it and take as long as I want.

And there I was having the common graduate student crisis - "Do I even want to have this career for the rest of my life?"

Finally

Finally

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! I finished my final assignment!!!! (Well, as much as I can be bothered to finish it.)

I decided to browse through some job ads and was confirmed my feeling that getting a job is not going to be easy. There are lots of positions for my career but they all require years of experience and professional portfolio work and knowledge of programs that I've never used and can't get my hands on.

I think I will try to get some free work experience first.

Mummy

Mummy

My Mum saw that girl that knows Andrew yesterday and although I asked her not to say anything to her, she just couldn't help herself. I'm still not exactly sure what she said but she told me that the girl's boyfriend (who's friends with him) can never reach him on his mobile and has to call his home number.

I won't be calling his home number though because he can call me himself if he wants to. One message and one phone call is more than enough from my side.

My Mum was also telling me how she talks to some two good-looking 27 year olds at her post-grad course and that one of them is always asking her to introduce him to someone but she said she didn't know anyone, because they're too old for me and because she knows I don't like guys who pester people much older than them to introduce them to someone. But it's kinda funny though for my Mum who gets amused by them. Here's apparently how their conversation goes:

Guy: Do you know any beautiful girls for me?
Mum: All you want is someone beautiful!
Guy: Fine, they don't have to be beautiful. I just want some nice POBian girl.
Mum: so you just want someone POBian?
Guy: I just want a girlfriend. You must know someone.
Mum: nope, no one.

I bet that guy has a crush on my Mum or something. I don't know why but that's kinda funny. Anyway, guys having crushes on my Mum is understandable. She's in her early 40s but looks like she's in her late 30s and people always say she's got a news reporter/actress face. I can kinda imagine her reading the news, although her voice isn't stern enough. And one of her old bosses kept buying her gifts. My Dad didn't seem to mind. He'd laugh about it with my Mum.

Never thought I'd say this but I actually wouldn't mind turning out like my Mum because everyone loves her and she has a lot of discipline (something that's lacking in me). She always gets things done. And she has good judgement.

Anyway, this just turned out into an entry about how wonderful my Mum is, even though she does things I ask her not to. But I guess it's good to reflect sometimes how lucky I am to have my family.

Now, back to the last part of my assignment. There's still hope that I can finish it today.

What Is Marriage?

What Is Marriage?

Why are some people so against gay marriages? It should be none of anyone's business but the couple's if they want to marry each other or not. It drives me crazy wondering why some people are so against it. It's hard enough as it is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with only to have some dumb law not allow it. Love between people (gay or straight) should be recognised and celebrated. The gay couples who want to get married are going to live like a married couple whether the law recognises it or not so why not treat them as married and give them the same benefits as married couples get.

This issue really frustrates me because it is so illogical. No one is going to have a worse life if gay couples get married. Why take away from other people's happiness?

Just Annoyed

Just Annoyed

I messaged him yesterday but he didn't reply. How rude. It's not that hard to write a message saying "Sorry, but I can't". He wouldn't have even had to tell me over the phone. How freaking cowardly can you get?

Like April said, it would've been like taking off a bandaid - painful but quick.

If he can't even do something as simple as reply to my message, I've completely overestimated him.

Yesterday I was wondering why it would be so hard for a guy to reply to a message, saying he didn't want to meet up. What would make me not reply to a guy's message if it was the other way around. And I had a thought. He might be on the border of getting together with some other girl but since he's not sure if it would work out, he doesn't want to tell me a definite no.

This, of course, doesn't make me feel any better.

Got yet another email from Max. He obviously decided that it's ok to start flirting with me. He's very wrong. First of all, I'm not in the mood for some guy who I don't even really like that much to think it's ok to do nothing but send me silly emails. And secondly, I don't flirt with guys who are scared to do anything. It's too hard to like a guy who I feel like I can only relate to on a childish level. He reminds me of the level I relate to Nadine. He talks to me like I'm some 16 year old and don't see through his annoying cutesiness. The same cutesiness that gets to me in my brother's girl friends.

Can't wait for America to take my mind off everything and just focus on enjoying myself for all the money I've worked for over the last few years.

Break From Uni

Break From Uni

I've been doing uni work and one part of my assignment that I thought would take 3 days, actually took me an hour. Such a phenomenon happens so rarely that I should take advantage of it and finish the other stuff early too. And I have started on them but I'm getting so tired of writing essays and reports. It feels like I'm never going to finish. I wish I could just fast forward to Monday (the last day to hand it in).

America is getting so close, I can almost touch it. I hope the craziness with their elections won't affect my trip too much. There's always terrorism at the back of my mind but I can't let it get to me because otherwise I might as well stay home all my life and never venture anywhere.

I still need to get shoes that I can take there because all my ones are so old they're falling apart - not a good thing when we are going to be walking A LOT. Can't even remember what it's like to have below 0 temperatures and snow! I just remember that nice feeling when it's snowing but not too cold and everyone's cheeks get a really nice red glow and your skin feels really clear. And I loved how when it's snowing, the windows get pretty frosty patterns on them.

And hopefully, Lauren and I are going to miss at least some of the Australian summer heat when it's impossible to breathe. It's going to be great. It can't not be. I'm putting myself in that laid-back holiday mood where if something doesn't go to plan it's just another chance at a spontaneous adventure. Like the time when my Mum, my brother and I were returning from POB and our plane was so late that we missed our connecting flight and we had to spend a night at Singapore. Some people were annoyed about that but I thought that it was great because I don't think I would have ever gone there otherwise.

So if things go to plan, it's going to be great and if not, it might be even better. As long as there are no dangerous surprises. I can definitely do without those.

Manipulation

Manipulation

This is going to be a bit generalised but one thing I've learnt with Max (and I know all guys are not like him) is that it doesn't take much to change a guy's mind (especially if it's not totally made up, and sometimes even when it is). There were so many times when Max didn't want to talk to me but then did a 180 and would contact me all the time just because of what I would say.

And it's not just Max. I usually find it so easy to change people's minds so that they can see my way. The trick is to know what the other person's like and hit their buttons. With Max, that involved knowing when to make a joke and when to be serious and when to give him some time.

With my brother, the only way to change his mind is to use logic to show him how my way is actually better for him. Same goes with my parents.

With lecturers, the easiest way to get my way is to show them that I know everything they do but let them think that you know they're in charge.

To get the best out of sales people you have to show them that you know more than they do and they can't trick you.

I can keep going with this list but I guess the general rules are to be nice and know more than they do.

So this brings me to my problem. How can I change Andrew's mind if I don't know him well enough? And why would I want to change his mind if he doesn't like me? Because I have no dignity, that's why. And because I still can't understand why he didn't like me. In my mind it makes more sense for there to be some extraordinary excuse than for him not to like me.

I should just accept that I'm not as wonderful as I think I am.

I even came up with a sort of humourous message to send him because people usually warm up to humour (if it's not too obvious). But I don't know if I will. I guess I could. I have nothing to lose. My sanity, pride and other important qualities have been long gone.

I think I'm being silly like this because this is the closest I have ever come to having some sort of relationship with a guy who I liked. And if I give it up, I'm back to where I started from and I don't want to go back there just yet.

On The Border of Adulthood

On The Border of Adulthood

I went to uni today to hand in one of my assignments and right after I left, I realised that today was my last day at uni. Ever. I still have one assignment to hand in but I (most likely) won't have to go to uni for that. Sometimes time seems to drag on and on but then you look back and realise how quickly it went.

From next week I'll have to do real adult things, like look for a full-time job. It's scary and exciting at the same time. But mostly scary. I don't think I'm looking forward to a real job as much as I looked forward to uni. But maybe if I don't have high expectations, it might turn out to be better.

And my trip is approaching faster.

Andy asked about what happened with Andrew. I told him to guess and amazingly he guessed right. He thinks I should call just so I can get a definite no. Everyone is telling me to do different things, it's confusing. Some are saying that I should call one more time to be sure and others are telling me to just get over it. In my opinion that regardless of my phone call yesterday, if he was interested he would call himself.

I think I'm almost ready to put Andrew into my 'funny life stories' files. Not that it was very funny but I'm sure I'll laugh about it later. It's good that it happened because it made my week more interesting and I did have a few days of hyper happiness (even though it was on a fake basis).

Creepy

Creepy

Time for a little anecdote.

Yesterday when I was driving to work and stopped at a traffic light (at which I had to turn) and waited for some people to cross the road. One of these people, an old man, came up to my car. And me being the suspicious person that I am, started to close the window slowly but not fully (because to be fair he could've just wanted to ask something normal and not be some creep about to get into my car and kidnap me).

Now, who wants to guess what the old man said?

He told me that I should move more forward so I don't hit anything when I turn. I mumbled a thanks and wondered if he used to be some driving instructor or something. Even though I still have the P plates, did he not realise that I had a licence and knew how to make a right turn? A turn that I've been making for more than a year now! Then I thought, what if there was something on the road that I didn't see?

As I turned, surprise surprise, I didn't hit anything.

I was a bit confused by what the point was of the man telling me to move forward. Maybe he was some creep. It's good that I had all the other doors locked.

That incident reminded me of another creepy old man incident that happened when I was in high school. I was waiting at my train station for the train to school when some weak looking old man with an unmbrella (an important object in this story) came up to me and said "Thinking of a boy, eh?" and I laughed thinking it was some old person joke and said, "No" and he poked me with his umbrella and said, "You looked like you were somewhere else" and that point I didn't look as friendly. Even old people have no right to poke me. And I said something like, "I just have a test today" and then he poked me again which made me realise that this old man wasn't just some innocent old person. He was a creep. So I pushed his umbrella back at him, hoping I wouldn't hurt him too much because I didn't want to kill anyone, even if he was some creep. I think I took him by surprise and he left.

Now that I think about these 'creep' stories, I'm realising there've been quite a few in my life. One of the worst ones was my second driving instructor that I got when my first one went on a holiday. He would always ask me personal questions that were none of his business and when I'd make a mistake, he'd always say, "If it wasn't for me, you could've crashed. What would you do without me?" and he would just go on and on about it for the whole hour how good it was that he was with me. That really used to annoy me because I was paying him to be patient and not snap at me like that.

And when I had enough of him and got another instructor, he'd call me up and ask why I was getting another one and what was wrong with him. And he'd call months after I got the new one (who was wonderful). And after I got my licence, I got a call from the agency (that he worked for), asking why I dropped him. I had a strong urge to tell them exactly why but for some reason I didn't and said that I was busy and couldn't talk (something I said to the creep when he kept calling me).

Anyway, I'm glad that's over. Hopefully there won't be any creeps for a while.

Rejected

Rejected

I called him and no one picked up. His mobile should say that he got a missed call from me. He either ignored my call or got it and decided not to call back. Either way, that makes him a coward. He should at least have the decency to call back and say he's not interested, rather than ignore it.

Oh well, he's not worth it then.

I'm more annoyed at myself for misjudging him and last Sunday. I truly thought it went well and he seemed to have a good time and he even referenced a 'next time' which I guess was pretty mean if he didn't plan on having a 'next time'.

Maybe he read my blog and recognised himself. How ironic that my blog would drive a guy away. Although I really doubt that happened. Maybe he found himself a girlfriend last week. I can come up with a few more 'maybe's but there's no point.

It's time to move on.

A Real Excuse

A Real Excuse

Fine, if he's going to be like that, I'll have to call him then. I was planning on calling him tonight to make plans for the weekend but I realised that I have a doctor's appointment on Saturday morning so if I meet him on Saturday night or Sunday, I won't have any time to finish my final assignment by Monday. The only hope is to finish it by Saturday by I don't see that happening.

Argh. I don't know if it's going to be weird if I don't call him for another week. I really should stop wasting my time writing in here and get back to my assignment so I can have any hope of finishing it by Saturday.