Mystery Caller

Mystery Caller

I've done one logo so I'm allowed one distraction.

About half an hour ago someone called my mobile but since I was in another room and didn't hear it straight away, I missed the call. It said it was from some number I didn't know. First thing that came into my mind was that it was from Andrew (who might've gotten a new number which would explain why he didn't get my other call and message) but then I told myself that was highly unlikely because why would he call me from work? And he could've also called me from his home number before.

I hate how even though I've stopped expecting him to call since last week, something as small as getting a call from an unknown number would bring all this hope back. Argh. And I know it's not from some company (eg. travel agent, tutoring agency etc) because they all have private numbers and they leave messages on my voicemail and they don't call from mobiles. They call from their office phones. So it was probably just a wrong number. Yep, that's what it was.

Ok, back to work.

Home Work and Other Things To Do

Home Work and Other Things To Do

I got a job. Well, sorta since I'm not sure if I'm going to get paid for it (depends on how much they like it) but I don't care. It's going to be great work experience.

I have been asked to design a logo and a website for a friend of a family friend. I can do all this from home which I guess doesn't make it seem like a real job. Maybe I'll put on proper work clothes when I do this so I can focus better. Otherwise it would just feel like some uni assignment which I do in short blocks (depending on when I get stuck) and make trips to the kitchen in search of snacks and get distracted by the internet (especially writing here).

Although they are not in a rush, I've given myself a 2 week deadline so I can get it done before I leave for America. I will start from tomorrow and will set specific work hours and a lunch hour so I can get into some routine.

Here's my plan:

9-10: start work
1-2: lunch
4: finish

Great work day, huh? I think so too.

Oh, and no music while working. No wait, maybe a little. Only if I work faster. Will pretend my boss is in the next room (to make me get less distracted).

I'll see how it goes.

Now that there's only 2 weeks till America, I'm starting to realise how many things I still haven't done.

Still need to get travel insurance.
Still need to buy Disneyland and Universal Studios tickets.
Still need to email that American girl to see if she wants to meet us in New York.
Still need to call the tutoring agency so they can find someone to replace me.
Still need to finish all library books.
Still need to get shoes.
Still need to get a ticket to a TV show.
Still need to get everyone's Christmas presents because there won't be enough time when I get back.
Still need to alter my dress for the formal.

Still need to write a proper list of things to do.

Wish of Wit and Cleverness

Wish of Wit and Cleverness

I've always wanted my blog to be full of witty and clever observations on life. But then again, who doesn't? (Most, probably, just don't think about it.)

I've also wanted some funky design for my blog but since I can never decide on what I want it to look like, I just stick with the boring Blogger style. At one point I even decided to just change the background colour to a slightly different shade of purple/morone and see if anyone would notice but it just looked wrong so I left it this way. I think that as long as this blog exists (either forever or until someone I know finds it and recognises who I am), this design is the only one it will have.

Not Quite Over and Famous People

Not Quite Over and Famous People

It feels strange now that I've finished my uni assignments a few days early. Very unexpected. No one else has finished which makes me think that I should've done more work. Hopefully I'll be able to scrape through with a pass with the work that I have done.

April and the others are not not going to be finishing for a while. Some still have exams. Claudia is the only one who has finished already (apart from me). We should've organised to meet up today. Oh well.

Next week we are all meeting up for a little farewell party for me and Claud (cos she's going overseas as well). We'll be watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I've been waiting to watch that movie since I read the book. I remember I even posted a few entries about it here and here.

I also found Zach Braff's blog. You know, the main guy from Scrubs. It's great to read famous people's blogs to see that they are just ordinary people. (Which most of us know deep inside but it's still nice to know directly.) He gets over a 1000 comments for each post. Not surprising considering he is a celebrity. Speaking of actors being ordinary people, Renée Zellweger sounded so down-to-earth on that Oprah special yesterday.

No Pressure = Inspiration

No Pressure = Inspiration

It's funny how now that I've finished my course, I have all this new creative energy that's been missing for the last 3 years when I needed it. I've been designing a Flash photo album for some of my digital photos. I'm actually having fun doing it when there's no pressure to get good marks and finish by deadlines and make it good enough to put in my portfolio. It's just for me and I can do however I like it and take as long as I want.

And there I was having the common graduate student crisis - "Do I even want to have this career for the rest of my life?"

Finally

Finally

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! I finished my final assignment!!!! (Well, as much as I can be bothered to finish it.)

I decided to browse through some job ads and was confirmed my feeling that getting a job is not going to be easy. There are lots of positions for my career but they all require years of experience and professional portfolio work and knowledge of programs that I've never used and can't get my hands on.

I think I will try to get some free work experience first.

Mummy

Mummy

My Mum saw that girl that knows Andrew yesterday and although I asked her not to say anything to her, she just couldn't help herself. I'm still not exactly sure what she said but she told me that the girl's boyfriend (who's friends with him) can never reach him on his mobile and has to call his home number.

I won't be calling his home number though because he can call me himself if he wants to. One message and one phone call is more than enough from my side.

My Mum was also telling me how she talks to some two good-looking 27 year olds at her post-grad course and that one of them is always asking her to introduce him to someone but she said she didn't know anyone, because they're too old for me and because she knows I don't like guys who pester people much older than them to introduce them to someone. But it's kinda funny though for my Mum who gets amused by them. Here's apparently how their conversation goes:

Guy: Do you know any beautiful girls for me?
Mum: All you want is someone beautiful!
Guy: Fine, they don't have to be beautiful. I just want some nice POBian girl.
Mum: so you just want someone POBian?
Guy: I just want a girlfriend. You must know someone.
Mum: nope, no one.

I bet that guy has a crush on my Mum or something. I don't know why but that's kinda funny. Anyway, guys having crushes on my Mum is understandable. She's in her early 40s but looks like she's in her late 30s and people always say she's got a news reporter/actress face. I can kinda imagine her reading the news, although her voice isn't stern enough. And one of her old bosses kept buying her gifts. My Dad didn't seem to mind. He'd laugh about it with my Mum.

Never thought I'd say this but I actually wouldn't mind turning out like my Mum because everyone loves her and she has a lot of discipline (something that's lacking in me). She always gets things done. And she has good judgement.

Anyway, this just turned out into an entry about how wonderful my Mum is, even though she does things I ask her not to. But I guess it's good to reflect sometimes how lucky I am to have my family.

Now, back to the last part of my assignment. There's still hope that I can finish it today.

What Is Marriage?

What Is Marriage?

Why are some people so against gay marriages? It should be none of anyone's business but the couple's if they want to marry each other or not. It drives me crazy wondering why some people are so against it. It's hard enough as it is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with only to have some dumb law not allow it. Love between people (gay or straight) should be recognised and celebrated. The gay couples who want to get married are going to live like a married couple whether the law recognises it or not so why not treat them as married and give them the same benefits as married couples get.

This issue really frustrates me because it is so illogical. No one is going to have a worse life if gay couples get married. Why take away from other people's happiness?

Just Annoyed

Just Annoyed

I messaged him yesterday but he didn't reply. How rude. It's not that hard to write a message saying "Sorry, but I can't". He wouldn't have even had to tell me over the phone. How freaking cowardly can you get?

Like April said, it would've been like taking off a bandaid - painful but quick.

If he can't even do something as simple as reply to my message, I've completely overestimated him.

Yesterday I was wondering why it would be so hard for a guy to reply to a message, saying he didn't want to meet up. What would make me not reply to a guy's message if it was the other way around. And I had a thought. He might be on the border of getting together with some other girl but since he's not sure if it would work out, he doesn't want to tell me a definite no.

This, of course, doesn't make me feel any better.

Got yet another email from Max. He obviously decided that it's ok to start flirting with me. He's very wrong. First of all, I'm not in the mood for some guy who I don't even really like that much to think it's ok to do nothing but send me silly emails. And secondly, I don't flirt with guys who are scared to do anything. It's too hard to like a guy who I feel like I can only relate to on a childish level. He reminds me of the level I relate to Nadine. He talks to me like I'm some 16 year old and don't see through his annoying cutesiness. The same cutesiness that gets to me in my brother's girl friends.

Can't wait for America to take my mind off everything and just focus on enjoying myself for all the money I've worked for over the last few years.

Break From Uni

Break From Uni

I've been doing uni work and one part of my assignment that I thought would take 3 days, actually took me an hour. Such a phenomenon happens so rarely that I should take advantage of it and finish the other stuff early too. And I have started on them but I'm getting so tired of writing essays and reports. It feels like I'm never going to finish. I wish I could just fast forward to Monday (the last day to hand it in).

America is getting so close, I can almost touch it. I hope the craziness with their elections won't affect my trip too much. There's always terrorism at the back of my mind but I can't let it get to me because otherwise I might as well stay home all my life and never venture anywhere.

I still need to get shoes that I can take there because all my ones are so old they're falling apart - not a good thing when we are going to be walking A LOT. Can't even remember what it's like to have below 0 temperatures and snow! I just remember that nice feeling when it's snowing but not too cold and everyone's cheeks get a really nice red glow and your skin feels really clear. And I loved how when it's snowing, the windows get pretty frosty patterns on them.

And hopefully, Lauren and I are going to miss at least some of the Australian summer heat when it's impossible to breathe. It's going to be great. It can't not be. I'm putting myself in that laid-back holiday mood where if something doesn't go to plan it's just another chance at a spontaneous adventure. Like the time when my Mum, my brother and I were returning from POB and our plane was so late that we missed our connecting flight and we had to spend a night at Singapore. Some people were annoyed about that but I thought that it was great because I don't think I would have ever gone there otherwise.

So if things go to plan, it's going to be great and if not, it might be even better. As long as there are no dangerous surprises. I can definitely do without those.

Manipulation

Manipulation

This is going to be a bit generalised but one thing I've learnt with Max (and I know all guys are not like him) is that it doesn't take much to change a guy's mind (especially if it's not totally made up, and sometimes even when it is). There were so many times when Max didn't want to talk to me but then did a 180 and would contact me all the time just because of what I would say.

And it's not just Max. I usually find it so easy to change people's minds so that they can see my way. The trick is to know what the other person's like and hit their buttons. With Max, that involved knowing when to make a joke and when to be serious and when to give him some time.

With my brother, the only way to change his mind is to use logic to show him how my way is actually better for him. Same goes with my parents.

With lecturers, the easiest way to get my way is to show them that I know everything they do but let them think that you know they're in charge.

To get the best out of sales people you have to show them that you know more than they do and they can't trick you.

I can keep going with this list but I guess the general rules are to be nice and know more than they do.

So this brings me to my problem. How can I change Andrew's mind if I don't know him well enough? And why would I want to change his mind if he doesn't like me? Because I have no dignity, that's why. And because I still can't understand why he didn't like me. In my mind it makes more sense for there to be some extraordinary excuse than for him not to like me.

I should just accept that I'm not as wonderful as I think I am.

I even came up with a sort of humourous message to send him because people usually warm up to humour (if it's not too obvious). But I don't know if I will. I guess I could. I have nothing to lose. My sanity, pride and other important qualities have been long gone.

I think I'm being silly like this because this is the closest I have ever come to having some sort of relationship with a guy who I liked. And if I give it up, I'm back to where I started from and I don't want to go back there just yet.

On The Border of Adulthood

On The Border of Adulthood

I went to uni today to hand in one of my assignments and right after I left, I realised that today was my last day at uni. Ever. I still have one assignment to hand in but I (most likely) won't have to go to uni for that. Sometimes time seems to drag on and on but then you look back and realise how quickly it went.

From next week I'll have to do real adult things, like look for a full-time job. It's scary and exciting at the same time. But mostly scary. I don't think I'm looking forward to a real job as much as I looked forward to uni. But maybe if I don't have high expectations, it might turn out to be better.

And my trip is approaching faster.

Andy asked about what happened with Andrew. I told him to guess and amazingly he guessed right. He thinks I should call just so I can get a definite no. Everyone is telling me to do different things, it's confusing. Some are saying that I should call one more time to be sure and others are telling me to just get over it. In my opinion that regardless of my phone call yesterday, if he was interested he would call himself.

I think I'm almost ready to put Andrew into my 'funny life stories' files. Not that it was very funny but I'm sure I'll laugh about it later. It's good that it happened because it made my week more interesting and I did have a few days of hyper happiness (even though it was on a fake basis).

Creepy

Creepy

Time for a little anecdote.

Yesterday when I was driving to work and stopped at a traffic light (at which I had to turn) and waited for some people to cross the road. One of these people, an old man, came up to my car. And me being the suspicious person that I am, started to close the window slowly but not fully (because to be fair he could've just wanted to ask something normal and not be some creep about to get into my car and kidnap me).

Now, who wants to guess what the old man said?

He told me that I should move more forward so I don't hit anything when I turn. I mumbled a thanks and wondered if he used to be some driving instructor or something. Even though I still have the P plates, did he not realise that I had a licence and knew how to make a right turn? A turn that I've been making for more than a year now! Then I thought, what if there was something on the road that I didn't see?

As I turned, surprise surprise, I didn't hit anything.

I was a bit confused by what the point was of the man telling me to move forward. Maybe he was some creep. It's good that I had all the other doors locked.

That incident reminded me of another creepy old man incident that happened when I was in high school. I was waiting at my train station for the train to school when some weak looking old man with an unmbrella (an important object in this story) came up to me and said "Thinking of a boy, eh?" and I laughed thinking it was some old person joke and said, "No" and he poked me with his umbrella and said, "You looked like you were somewhere else" and that point I didn't look as friendly. Even old people have no right to poke me. And I said something like, "I just have a test today" and then he poked me again which made me realise that this old man wasn't just some innocent old person. He was a creep. So I pushed his umbrella back at him, hoping I wouldn't hurt him too much because I didn't want to kill anyone, even if he was some creep. I think I took him by surprise and he left.

Now that I think about these 'creep' stories, I'm realising there've been quite a few in my life. One of the worst ones was my second driving instructor that I got when my first one went on a holiday. He would always ask me personal questions that were none of his business and when I'd make a mistake, he'd always say, "If it wasn't for me, you could've crashed. What would you do without me?" and he would just go on and on about it for the whole hour how good it was that he was with me. That really used to annoy me because I was paying him to be patient and not snap at me like that.

And when I had enough of him and got another instructor, he'd call me up and ask why I was getting another one and what was wrong with him. And he'd call months after I got the new one (who was wonderful). And after I got my licence, I got a call from the agency (that he worked for), asking why I dropped him. I had a strong urge to tell them exactly why but for some reason I didn't and said that I was busy and couldn't talk (something I said to the creep when he kept calling me).

Anyway, I'm glad that's over. Hopefully there won't be any creeps for a while.

Rejected

Rejected

I called him and no one picked up. His mobile should say that he got a missed call from me. He either ignored my call or got it and decided not to call back. Either way, that makes him a coward. He should at least have the decency to call back and say he's not interested, rather than ignore it.

Oh well, he's not worth it then.

I'm more annoyed at myself for misjudging him and last Sunday. I truly thought it went well and he seemed to have a good time and he even referenced a 'next time' which I guess was pretty mean if he didn't plan on having a 'next time'.

Maybe he read my blog and recognised himself. How ironic that my blog would drive a guy away. Although I really doubt that happened. Maybe he found himself a girlfriend last week. I can come up with a few more 'maybe's but there's no point.

It's time to move on.

A Real Excuse

A Real Excuse

Fine, if he's going to be like that, I'll have to call him then. I was planning on calling him tonight to make plans for the weekend but I realised that I have a doctor's appointment on Saturday morning so if I meet him on Saturday night or Sunday, I won't have any time to finish my final assignment by Monday. The only hope is to finish it by Saturday by I don't see that happening.

Argh. I don't know if it's going to be weird if I don't call him for another week. I really should stop wasting my time writing in here and get back to my assignment so I can have any hope of finishing it by Saturday.

Dancing Cures All

Dancing Cures All

Just came back from the best birthday party ever. The last few birthday parties that I've been to have mainly revolved around eating and talking only to people who were sitting next to me. This, however, made it very easy to mingle.

Ellen (the birthday girl) got a guy to teach us ballroom dancing (something that I've been dying to try for ages). I expected to be dancing with April but there were actually more guys than girls who wanted to participate. Very surprising.

I got to dance with some funny guy who's name I can't remember. I got the hang of the dancing pretty quickly and showed him how to do it so by the end we were making our own moves and giving demonstrations to other people. We had such a fun time that after a while we didn't even realise that most people have already left the dance floor.

After that dance, I talked with April. She wasn't as lucky with her partner who apparently made her stick to the steps that were taught and counted the time all through the song. I was also telling April how I wanted to dance with a guy (who reminded me of Andrew) by the end of the night.

The second dance that we were taught, the guy who I wanted to dance with already had a partner but the same guy that I danced with earlier came to dance with me again so I was happy about that. April's first dance partner was nowhere to be seen (fortunately for April). We totally ruled the dance floor again and I had the best time, while glancing at the guy I wanted to dance with.

After this dance, April and I danced together for a while because she couldn't find a guy to dance with. I kept looking over at the guy that I wanted to dance with but he wasn't paying any attention to me.

The third ballroom dance that we were taught, I saw my usual partner but I went straight for the guy I've been wanting to dance with the whole time and asked him myself. He didn't reject me so that totally boosted my confidence (which was already pretty high from having the original guy ask me to dance a second time). He turned out to be a real pilot. I didn't know they came that young. He was pretty nice so we danced for a long time.

After that, I went to talk to April who told me of her embarrassing moment that happened right after I asked the guy to dance. Being motivated by my confidence, she smiled at some other guy and he smiled back and started walking towards her. He then walked past her and asked the girl behind her to dance. So it turned out that he wasn't actually smiling at April but at the other girl. That scenario is so cliche, I can't believe it happened.

After all the dancing, I felt so high that I didn't even care about Andrew not calling as much as I did. Dancing is the best drug for anything.

The Phone Call

The Phone Call

You know it's not going to happen but you wait anxiously for it anyway.

That's what I'm doing now. I'm expecting something that I know will not happen. Why do I have to torture myself like this?

Pretty Much Over

Pretty Much Over

Ok, I've convinced myself that nothing will come out of Andrew and I.

My Mum saw the girl (that knows him) and she said that he didn't say anything about me or he didn't talk to her or something. (But she did know he was meeting me on Sunday.) I find that hard to believe. He probably said something about not liking me and the girl didn't want to say to hurt my feelings.

Now, must make my head come down from the clouds, back to a place called Earth. Things will be back to normal in no time. Sure I'll be upset for a while but I'll deal with it the way I've been dealing with being single for all of my life. It's going to be painful but I have no other choice.

Will concentrate on my friends again and my trip to America.

Top Blog

Top Blog

Oh my God! My blog is ranked 7th on Top Blogs. And not just in the journal category (in which it's ranked first) but the whole site! Most of the ones in front of my blog are adult blogs. I don't know why I'm so happy about this but I am.

IF

IF...

April and I have been great friends since the first day we met, 5 years ago. Five years seems like nothing compared to 11 years I knew Nadine. 5 years is only a a quarter of my life but it feels like I've known April for an eternity.

It's very hard to find friends that you just click with in every way. So when you do, you know that person will be in your life for a very long time. I can't even imagine not being friends with April. Even though the last year we've been mainly relating to each other because of our non-existent boyfriends, we've been close friends way before that.

Last night we were talking about how weird it was that I finally went out on a date (and I'm only choosing to call it that because Andrew insisted on paying for dinner) and that only last week that thought seemed totally impossible. Also the fact that this all happened so fast was weird 'cause we didn't even get to talk much about it and analyse and hypothesise before it actually happened, like we do with all other anticipated events.

April is convinced I will go out with him but that's only because she's trying to prepare herself for the worst. She was saying how if I have a boyfriend, our friendship would change a lot. When I was younger and Nadine and I had those sorts of conversations, I was naive to think that one person getting a boyfriend could not possibly ruin a friendship. But now I know better.

I hate how guys can influence our lives so much and ruin friendships. It seems so ridiculous. I wish I was stronger and not let myself be influenced by such things. (Andrew is already diminishing my excitement about going to America because the anticipation of what might happen with him is a lot more exciting now.)

But now that I know how friends start drifting apart after one starts going out so I can try to prevent it. Like I told April that IF I get a boyfriend before her, she should still tell me trivial things that happen to her with guys at uni/work and not feel silly about it. However I'd have to tame my happiness which April said would be unfair to me because I should be able to talk about my happiness after what we went through. But IF I get a boyfriend, I can totally not show off about it because having one is all that's important.

We ended up deciding that IF I get one, we should both write what we want in our private blog so that later when she gets a boyfriend too, she can read it (if she can resist not reading it now) and she should write what she usually would. So this way we can still talk to each other about everything without actually doing so in real time which requires the other's reaction. That should prevent us from drifting away.

This is all of course very hypothetical because there's a high chance I won't get one. But we thought we'd talk about it before it actually happened since after that, she'd find it harder to relate to me. Like if now (maybe last week) I said she did something pathetic, she wouldn't get offended because I was in the same situation but if I had a boyfriend and said it, she would be understandably quite insulted.

Anyway, after all this hypothesining, I probably won't even get a second date.

I'm now over my hysteria phase and moving into the over-analysing phase. The phase where I reason everything out to believe that the 'date' went horribly and that there's no way he liked me.

This craziness is what happens when a girl never had a boyfriend for so long. So you'll have to bear with me going insane and having weird (more so than usual - hard I know) thoughts for some time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Playing it over and over in my mind, hoping I might notice something I haven't before that would tell me how he felt. No such luck. He was an almost closed book. His eyes were always laughing and I couldn't tell what he was smiling about. Was he laughing at me? Was I saying weird things? Did I look like a complete fool with my grin? Were his eyes naturally like that? I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Today in the morning my brother and I were having breakfast together. I was waiting for him to ask me about Sunday since I haven't talked to him yesterday. We ate in silence for a while. Then -

Andy (carefully): how was Sunday?
me: I thought you'd never ask! It was excellent!

Then I told him the details and at the end he said, "The reason I didn't know if to ask you or not was because I didn't want you to start complaing on how bad the guy was". I told him I knew that it was very unusual for me not find any faults in the guy when I'm always very judgemental. Andy said he wanted to meet the guy that I couldn't find any faults in from the first impression (since that's when I rule out most guys). He, then, asked, "Is he marriage material?" I almost choked on my cereal. That was one question I wasn't expecting just yet! I told him after one date he didn't show any characteristics that would not make him marriage material.

For now, what I want most of all is for him to like me. Because if he does, that would make everything a lot easier.

Too Distracted

Too Distracted

I'm the worst procrastinator and all the bursts of energy that are running through my body aren't helping. I feel too restless and distracted. I've found every excuse not to do my assignments. I'm so going to regret this a few days before they're due.

I called up April in the morning to share the details of last night. Had a flashback to when Nadine first started going out and telling me about it. Convinced April that I'm not on the 'other side' yet and might not even be so she's not alone. I could just feel April's hurt through the phone line. She did a great job of being happy for me though which is why I love that girl.

I'm trying not to get carried away with the whole Andrew thing because nothing might happen. April said that if an hour with BG made me happy for months, the 'blind date' with Andrew will surely make my happiness last for a year. At least. Since we've been single for so long, every little thing makes us happy for ages so a great big thing will stretch my happiness even longer.

I also got Max's email in the morning. He's starting to get clingy. Not that I would've found it clingy if I hadn't met Andrew. Max can't even be compared to Andrew. I just knew I'd stop worrying about him as soon as I met a better guy. Andrew is ambitious, puts effort into things, he works hard for what he wants and I find those qualities very attractive. Max doesn't do any of that. Andrew is more intelligent than me and I love that.

Must stop thinking about Andrew so much because I'll just start obsessing and that's never a good thing. But then again, when has that ever stopped me?

It's just still a bit hard to believe that yesterday I got what I wanted for years. Lost all hope that I ever would. Of course now that I had that, I want more. I have a feeling he won't call. I guess I'll make myself call him next week.

Of course I'll be upset if he's not interested but I'll still be happy that I had something, rather than nothing.

Reporting Last Night

Reporting Last Night

I still can't stop smiling.

Last night exceeded all my expectations (although they weren't very high but still). Even though I was a bit early, he was already there. As soon as I realised it was him, my smiling hasn't stopped since. He looked so typically POBian - very tall, very blond hair, very blue eyes. I was so relieved. Although I expected the worst so anyone who didn't look like a monster would've made me relieved. He also looked a bit boyish which I like in a guy.

I think he might've been expecting a monster too because when we first started talking, it looked like he was trying to hold back smiling. That totally put me at ease because I was a bit too nervous just before meeting him.

We went to a small cosy restaurant and shared some nice food. The conversation flowed quite easily condsidering we've only met each other. I still had the goofiest smile on my face because all I could think about was that I was having dinner with a cute and very nice guy who was 'sorta' funny. I've wanted something like that for so long that it felt a bit surreal. I was hoping I wouldn't wake up as I usually do when things like that happen in my dreams.

I think I might've stared too much because at one point he asked me why I was looking at him 'like that' and was it because I didn't understand what he was saying. That was a bit embarrassing.

During dinner he kept getting a bit distracted by his phone. He could've been talking to his girlfriend (that I don't think he has) for all I cared because you couldn't even compare him to all the guys I know. He was smart and mature while still relaxed and easy-going (an impossible combination I used to think).

Of course I said numerous stupid things but it wouldn't have been me if I didn't.

After dinner, we went to see a movie. It was really bad but the time went by quickly because I entertained myself by thinking about the whole evening. It was good that the movie was a comedy (even though it wasn't funny at all) because I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

After that he walked me to the station and we went home. He said, "We'll call each other". If he won't, I sure will. But I hope so much that he does. Really really really hope that he liked me as much as I liked him. But even if he didn't, I still had a great time.

For once, when I was in the train by myself on my way home, I didn't get sad that I didn't have a boyfriend. I had to bite my lip to stop smiling.

Although I can't say that we totally clicked, he was such a smart and nice guy that it was impossible not to like him.

When I got home, my Mum was nervously waiting to hear how it went. My face said it all. All I could do was thank her.

Even though I usually fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, yesterday I kept tossing and turning because I still couldn't believe that guys like that actually existed (and not just in my head).

Woke up today at 6am feeling totally refreshed and still with a smile on my face.

In His Sister's Footsteps

In His Sister's Footsteps

My brother has just demonstrated his skills of lying. They are very similar to mine so I've taught him well. Although there was a bit of a downhill at the end which just showed that he didn't plan how to carry through.

me (to Dad, seeing Andy putting his shoes on): where's he going?
Dad: to pick up something... or someone?
[I'm trying not to laugh.]
Mum (suspiciously): why are you laughing?
me: nothing
Mum: do you know where he's going?
me: no
Mum: what's so funny then?
me: just the way Dad said it. Pick something up!
[Mum looks at me strangely.]
Dad (to Andy): what are you picking up?
Andy: uhm... some sheets... yeah... for the Maths exam... 'cause I wasn't at school when they gave them... I was at English... bye
[Andy runs out the door.]

Translation
Andy: I'm going to see my girlfriend but I can't tell you because you won't let me since I have exams.

They probably would do that but it would be stupid because he'd just be distracted all the time anyway.

Can't Expect The Unexpected

Can't Expect The Unexpected

At around 6:30pm, my brother was chatting to his girlfriend online and I was sitting in the room, annoying him (by requesting different songs) because I was bored. He kept annoying me back. A very common scene at our house. Then my mobile (which was closer to my brother) rings. I ask him who it is. He says it doesn't say.

I pick it up and hear a muffled male voice, "Hi, this is Andrew". I think my heart skipped a beat. Or two. He wasn't supposed to call yet. I was supposed to give my Mum my email so she could give it to the person who knows him along with my number. But apparently my Mum decided to just give him my mobile.

Anyway, we talked about this and that. The short awkward silences were filled quite quickly. The long awkward silence was filled by him asking to meet me.

After a long discussion about where and when, we've decided on Sunday night. I'd prefer it during the day but he can't. But I can't be choosy in my circumstances.

It's a bit hard to judge him right now because on one hand he sounded a bit odd but on the other, quite nice.

Not sure how I'm going to recognise him because he wouldn't say anything specific. I hope I like him. And I hope he likes me.

We'll see what happens. Expect the gossip by Monday. Wish me luck!

With Mum's Help

With Mum's Help

Last night my Mum came home and said, "I need to have a talk with you". I started getting worried. Did I do something really terrible? Did she want me to tell about what's going on with my brother? Was someone sick?

So nervously I waited for her to tell me what she was going to.

As soon as she smiled and said, "There's this guy..." I knew exactly what was coming ahead. I did my usual reaction of eye-rolling which allowed her to continue. She told me how she met some POBian girl in her post-grad class at uni who has a 'friend' who wants to meet me. A 23 year old 180cm non-smoking accountant friend.

Right now I'm up for anything so I told her that I'd meet him. I have nothing to lose. His name is Andrew, like my brother. The last guy my Mum tried to introduce me to had my Dad's name. I really don't know how she finds these guys who have names of my family members.

The only thing she told the girl about me was that I'm not tall. I really don't see how that's important but it might've been her way of finding out whether the guy was short. With all my shoes that all have platforms or thick soles, he's not going to notice my height anyway.

Apparently he moved to Australia when he was 16 and so he prefers to speak in POBian. I don't mind that much but my articulation skills are more limited in POBian. He has no family here.

I'm not expecting much to come out of this but hopefully it'll go further than with Ben (i.e. I'll actually get to talk to him or meet him).

It's weird to think that only a few weeks ago I didn't have any hope of meeting any guys any time soon but then there was Luke (the podiatrist) and Max seems eager to talk to me and now Andrew.

Even if nothing happens with any of them, at least I have something to look forward to (guy-wise) for a little while.

Downfall

Downfall

"I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be uneased
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
Come on and
Lay it down

I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall"

- Matchbox 20

Lately I've decided not to bother with him anymore but then he goes and emails me.

Max is my downfall.

Countdown To Adventure

Countdown To Adventure

I just realised what date it was today - one month till America! Yipee!! (I don't think I've actually said or written that word before, does it have a double p?)

Can't believe it's so close! I just know it will be a great adventure! I haven't been overseas since I was 15 when I went on an exchange program. But this is going to be so different! Lauren and I are going to have a blast (another word I don't say).

It's weird that when I write I use words I never say in real life. Anonymous writing gives such freedom of words.

Anyway, America. I've been dreaming of going there since I was 13 and it's going to be a reality so soon! My heart is buzzing with excitement. A whole month of doing nothing but exploring places I've only seen on TV and movies. Some people say that it's nothing exciting but not to me. Any new place is exciting because it holds the promise of adventure and constant change. And I need some change in my life. The monotony makes me live in my head too much. I need to move out of my mind and into the real world which is always more exciting than anything my imagination can conjure up. Because it's actually real.

For now, I'll take a deep breath and enjoy the anticipation of looking forward.

Free Time Leads To Laziness

Free Time Leads To Laziness

I've been becoming so lazy lately. Instead of taking advantage of my free day today and doing assignments, I only spent a little over an hour doing that.

I should stop borrowing books from the library when I have uni work to do 'cause I get too distracted.

And just having more free (from going to uni/work) time than I usually had in the past is making me too blase about everything. I went for a job interview last month that I didn't write about and they didn't take me because they knew I'd leave them after I finish uni. So I have very bad timing right now, 'cause I can't work full-time but I can't get a more time-consuming casual job because as soon as they ask when I'm going to finish uni, they change their tune.

My uni friends are also experiencing the same problem.

Lots of people are postponing their job searches by studying more but I'm over studying. Another degree won't help me get a job. I need practical experience now.

April, Me and Fungus

April, Me and Fungus

I told April about what happened (more like not happened) yesterday with the cute podiatrist and she had some suggestions on how I should go about it.

April: u could research something about feet (or the problem ur grandma has) and start asking intelligent questions
me: fungus? eww!!!
April: I see you are not very devoted there!
me: when he was telling me what she had, in my head i was like 'please stop!'
April: well that's no way to get a man :P
if u marry him, u'll have to hear it a lot
me: u r thinking a bit too far ahead
April: hey, considering how few chances we get, this is like a golden opportunity
me: I know I know! I'm just not sure the best way to go about it
April: i just told u what to do!
research fungus!
me: is there another way?
April: no! u'll sound intelligent this way
but don't look disgusted
and he'll think u really care about ur grandma
me: i should've asked him when he moved to australia so i could find out his age but didn't think of it then
April: now, time for some research :P
enjoy!
me: omg, i can't believe i'm going to do this
April: don't think like that
me: no, I can't. It's too gross
April: how can u say it's gross? it's a serious problem!
me: fungus or my dating life?
April: well, it's your choice
me: ok, I'll look it up
April: lol!!!
me: shut up
April: I'm proud of your new low
me: I can't look at the sites. Just the names of the sites are making me sick
April: stop it, be strong
think of the wedding!
me: I can't!!!! I really can't!
April: if you had it, I'm sure you'd feel differently
me: just seriously type fungus into a search engine and you'll see that just the names of the results will make you sick
April: ok, wait...
me (referring to the results): fungus of the month? lol
April: u should ask him if he belongs to any 'fungus of the month' clubs
me: lol
April: cousin fungus??? lol
me: lol
the fungus among us
April: I can't breathe
Fun Facts About Fungi
me: lol
April: Humongous Fungus
me: fungi perfecti
April: my parents are going to think i've lost my mind i'm laughing too much
me: i'm going to see some fun facts
"We find fungi so fascinating that we wanted to share some fun facts about fungi "
April: Humongous Fungus A New Kind Of Individual
April: we shouldn't make fun of it
me: no, we shouldn't
lol
the fun facts aren't so fun
me: click on toenail fungus at the top to be grossed out
April: i don't want to be grossed out, i can barely type i'm laughing so much
i'm scared to click on that link
me: please do
April: it doesn't sound very pleasing does it?
me: my toenails hurt from reading it
April: FUNGUS 2000 - The Official Band Site
http://www.fortunecity.com/tinpan/ash/222/
i'm intrigued by this band, fungus 2000
me: lol
maybe fungus brought them together?
April: Anthony came up with the name, "Fungus", because, at the time, "my thumb nail had been over-come with fungus"
me: they're australian
April: i know
me: and our age
April: do u want to go hear them play :P
me: lol
ok!
April: omg, we're so sad
me: although now they're probably older cos they didn't have a gig since 99
April: if they were 21 in 99...
me: their name obviously wasn't catchy enough for long term success
April: they'd be six years older which is okay
what the hell am i saying?
they're probably washed up singers living with their parents?
me: so 6 years older is ok now?
April: yup, anything is ok now
me: i'm up to 7
April: i'm on unlimited
me: so u'd go out with a 50 year old?
April: lol! no!!!!
okay i'll say 8, maybe 9
me: wow, you've changed!
April: i just don't have standards anymore
me: well, if they're older, at least they'll have lots of interesting stories to tell u
April: yeah well u can tell how far we've come, considering we're checking out a band called fungus
me: "when i was you age..."
April: oh that's a horrible thought
it's like they're grandpas
me: lol
April: I just want a guy to ask me out
any guy
even if I said no
me: even a 50 year old?
April: why would a 50 yr old ask me out?
me: cos he's a creep?
April: and why are u so obsessed with that age?
me: just giving you a perspective
April: i don't care for ur creepy 50 yr old perspective
me: well, you said any guy
April: I'd say no to him
although that's so gross
me: I just want any guy attention
April: even mr. 50 yr old Creep?
me: lol
good point
April: just giving u a perspective :P

April and I amuse each other so much.

Cute Guy in the Unlikeliest Place

Cute Guy in the Unlikeliest Place

I had to go to a podiatrist with my grandma today in the morning. I was hoping it would finish quickly until I actually saw the doctor. He looked only a bit older than me and was definitely very cute. We got talking about how he’s from a country that’s very close to POB and that POBian sounds very familiar to him. I wondered how far I could go with moving the conversation away from my grandma and her feet without sounding like I was interested in him. Not very far.

He seemed just happy that someone almost his age came in because there’s always only him and a middle-aged receptionist there all the time. Poor guy.

When he finished with my grandma and I was making another appointment (during the time when I’m going to be in America, unfortunately), he said to call him if we had any questions. I wish I did but there’s nothing that I could possibly ask him (except, “do you have a girlfriend?” and ‘do you want to go out?”)

Even though it’s nice to meet cute guys (since it happens so rarely), with it also comes the realisation that nothing can ever happen anyway.

I also wondered why a young guy would want to work with sick feet all day; did he have a feet fetish? Anyone who has fetishes freaks me out. And maybe he was gay anyway – he did look a little ‘stylish’ (best word I can think of). Even my grandma thought he was cute and also wondered why he’d want to work with feet. Why anyone would want to.

I wish I could go with my grandma to her next appointment so I can talk to him more. Maybe I should call up the clinic and ask to change the date. Maybe he can write a letter to me, to my grandparents’ address (since that’s the only one he knows). Ok, I think that’s pushing it too far.

Cheering Up

Cheering Up

Wow, my assigment didn't take as long as I thought. So I came online (since we got cable now and it's too easy to just connect whenever). I got an email from April. Little things like that always cheer me up so much.

Other things that cheer me up:

• messages from my friends, just to tell me something not important (like April messaging me to tell me that "Dancing With The Stars" ruined the Maroon 5 song "She Will Be Loved" or Amelia writing me a message in French or Max wanting to know how I am).
• dancing
• upbeat songs
• a positive book
• kids (like yesterday when I came home to find my little cousins there going insane)
• pets (like Claudia's dog)
• friendly strangers (this is not just a reference to BG)
• a phone call from Nadine
• positive feedback (whether it be a good mark or comments from readers which are always appreciated)
• waking up refreshed in the morning
• seeing someone do something nice for someone else (like people helping mothers hold their prams when they get off the train)
• doing something good without anyone knowing
• getting a job
• seeing my students understand things that they have been having problems with
• being the bearer of good news
• the thought of going to America

That's all I can think of now.

Feelings Suck

Feelings Suck

I don't want to dwell on this but I realised something that hadn't occurred to me earlier. I'm only 99.9% sure about this but I think that the blogger who wrote bad stuff about me is one of the commenters who pretended to understand what I was writing about (even though I didn't think she did). How odd...

I went to a dance class today and it was absolutely great. I had the best time. Exactly what dancing should be like. I think if I've started doing dancing seriously when I was kid, I might've wanted to do it as a career 'cause I love it so much.

Now, I should be doing my assignments but I'm not in the mood (when am I ever?) I feel like something's not right but I can't put a finger on it.

When Andrew and I were catching up yesterday, he apologised for being moody and he said that he knew he was being like that but couldn't help it. And I said that it was just weird 'cause it was so not like his usual easy-going and laid-back self. So he said that he got tired of always being easy-going and putting up with everything and everyone (which he always did but I thought it was just his nature but it turned out that he actually put a lot of effort into being like that, never realised he had such strong nerves). Anyway, I'm just happy to have my brother back. I had a thought that the fact he has a girlfriend now, we might drift apart, like Nadine and I did after she started going out, but hopefully we won't 'cause when it's family it's different, right? Well, it better be!

Maybe I feel weird now 'cause it's like everyone' moving on in their lives but I'm left behind. I feel stuck.

Also, my comments are a bit stuffed. The comments counter doesn't get updated sometimes.

I also realised that I write "I feel..." ALL the time! I'm going to try and stop doing that 'cause I don't think anyone likes reading emotional and sentimental stuff all the time. I know I don't.

Must remember that although I see this as my diary, it really isn't because other people read it.

My Effect On People

My Effect On People

Hmm, I don't know how to react to something that I just read in another blog.

I know that by being honest and writing what's on my mind in here (even if it's just ramble and random silly thoughts), I'm open to people judging me. But I really never expected for another blogger to devote a whole entry on what an immature, racist, anti-religion, stupid, intolerant, uninformed etc. person I am. And yet, that person has been reading my blog from the beginning. I wonder why that person comes back... Do they enjoy reading immature stupid stuff? (Reminds me of "Felicity" when Noel said, referring to his and Felicity's cartoon series, "If people hate our cartoon but watch it anyway, that means they really love it".)

In that blogger's entry, she has also assumed lots of things that I've never said.

Sometimes we judge other people too much and mistake traits such as being able to be silly and think crazy things as immaturity. Acting childish is not a sign of immaturity when you know that you're acting that way. I think that if I didn't behave silly with my friends, I would have a nervous breakdown. It's nice to escape from the seriousness of the world when you're with your friends. It's relaxing.

Also, when I say I feel superior, it doesn't mean that I am. I just feel like that because of dumb things that lots of people do (like smoke, get drunk etc.) And I don't see how being anti-religion is a bad thing. I don't tell people to stop being religious. I just don't agree with them. And it's good to be able to let off steam about certain things.

At first, it hurt to read it but after the initial shock, I realised that everyone is entitled to their opinion and she's free to write about me, just as I'm free to write about what I want.

Looking at the big picture, the fact that some person (who I don't even know) thinks such things about me isn't important.

The Other Side

The Other Side

My brother and I made up! He just couldn’t hold in any longer that he got a girlfriend. His first one.

He said that he wanted to not make up until the end of his exams because he knew that he’d want to talk to me about it all the time and not study. But too late now. (He also said that he was planning on making up before I was going to America because he didn’t want me to leave on such bad terms.)

I sort of knew he got one because in the last few weeks he got very secretive and always had a weird smile on his face.

His girlfriend is one of the girls I met that I said were too teeny-bopperish. He said that she was a lot like me. I don’t know if to take that as a compliment or an offence.

I’m happy for Andrew but I got even sadder for myself. Like April said, everyone moves to the ‘other side’ sooner or later, except us.

We went to the dancing class but didn’t stay ‘cause there were only old people there (I think I might be psychic). We hung around the city for a while trying to find a guy to chat up to make ourselves feel better. But it didn’t really work (if you don’t count [and I don’t] my sad attempt at asking a guy at the cinema when some movie is coming out).

On the train on the way home, I felt so depressed and frustrated at my inability to get a boyfriend when everyone around me has one.

Probing Naturopathy and Partners

Probing Naturopathy and Partners

I went to a naturopath today, being 'rejected' by the doctors. The woman (who looked about 30 and therefore made me a bit worried that she wouldn't know what she's doing since she wouldn't have had enough experience) asked me so many different questions, I was stuck for words. What kind of temper did I have? Did I have good grades? What was my energy level? Was I sensitive? To what? What was my stress level? What kind of personality did I have? Which emotions did I experience the strongest? etc. etc.

I got prescribed lots of homeopathic remedies which cost a lot of money and will hopefully work. If they don't, I'm stuffed - being itchy and red all the time isn't fun.

After I got home, my brother informed me that I had to take my grandpa to the hospital. While he was getting tests done, a girl who worked there started chatting to me and the first thing she mentioned was her boyfriend. Argh, I'm sick of people's boyfriends. Every time someone mentions theirs, it just highlights the fact that I don't have one. (Maybe I should call up Max so I can hang out with him and pretend that he's my boyfriend. Very pathetic, I know.) Then we had to wait for the results so my grandpa and I went for a walk. It's nice to share some quality time with my grandpa because I won't be able to have that forever.

Even though my grandparents (on my Dad's side) aren't young, they have very modern minds and it's easy to talk to them. I'm lucky to have them.

April and I are going to a ballroom dancing class tonight. I already decided what it's going to be like - lots of old couples and I'll have to do the guy's part or feel guilty if April does the guy's part. I wonder if Max likes dancing... maybe he could do the guy's part so I can enjoy the class.

Ok, I'm messaging him next Monday so we can talk on the phone.

Or if we get to rotate partners, the guys will probably all be sleazy middle-aged ones. Ew, I'd rather dance with April.

Dress Shopping

Dress Shopping

Sally and I cut class and went shopping. (Well, the class wasn't really important but I want to sound rebellious, at least once in my life.)

Anyway, I got my dress!!! At first I couldn't find anything but the last place we went to, I found 4 dresses that all looked great. One emerald one looked sooooo good but I didn't get it 'cause I would be too self-conscious to wear it. Times like these I wish I had a boyfriend so I could show how good I looked in the dress and never wear it in public.

Another one was a cute black one but I was against wearing black. I got the one that I was most comfortable in and even though the style wasn't something I really liked, it looked better on me than on the hanger. It also needs alterations 'cause the top part is too big. It wasn't cheap either but it was on sale and I got it 'cause I didn't think I'd find anything better.

When I got home and tried it on again, I liked it a lot more. (It made me look pretty but not stand out.) My Mum says that new clothes always look better at home because there aren't any other new clothes to compare them to.

I really wanted Mum's opinion on what she thought because I can be so indecisive about buying clothes. Sally said that she always needs her Mum's opinions on clothes too. So I'm not the only one who needs her Mum for such things.

Anyway, now I'm happy that I don't have to worry about this anymore.

Isolated By Intelligence

Isolated By Intelligence

I just realised that I have very different opinions to most Australians.

What's with everyone being 'outraged' that Ricki Lee got kicked out of Australian Idol? Who freaking cares. If you didn't vote, then get over it. It's not like anyone will remember her in the future. She may be better than some singers but in the big picture, she's not memorable at all.

Just look at Guy. Did anyone even buy his CD? (Except maybe a few very devoted fans, like some young teenage girls?)

I won't write about my other 'different' opinions 'cause I really can't be bothered reading annoying comments telling me how wrong I am. I just get frustrated at how narrow-minded and media driven most people are.

Times like these I feel like a complete alien here and totally superior and smarter than everyone else. Not a good feeling.

Ballroom

Ballroom

I really need new shoes. My old slides gave me blisters on both of my soles of my feet. I can't walk.

After watching "Dancing With the Stars", April wants to go to dancing lessons. I couldn't be happier of course. Unfortunately almost all ballroom dancing classes are courses that go for about 8 weeks and I have to leave for America in about 5 weeks.

We're going to go to a casual class on the weeked. That is, if April doesn't change her mind and I'm not counting that out.

I'll be going to a dancing class on the weekend anyway, with or without her. But it'd be nice if she came along.

Regarding my allergy/whatever it is, I made an appointment with a homeopath. When I went there and asked the woman if the clinic had helped patients with my problem and she said, "Oh yes, we get all the rejects from the doctors". Well, that's nice to know!

I also went to a small local shop that my grandma told me sold formal dresses and I actually found 2 dresses that were ok. Didn't buy them though 'cause I wanted to check out a few other places. One was black and although it looked a bit boring, it sat well on me and made me look skinnier (which is always a plus). The other was very nice but required cleavage 'cause it had a very low neck. Both would need a strapless bra and they are so uncomfortable.

Guys have it so much easier. All they need is a suit and they're done.

Procrastination Ramble

Procrastination Ramble

I've been listening to the Beach Boys lately and they always put me in a good mood. I feel like dancing around.

I feel like doing anything but my assignments. I can feel this is going to be another one of those whiny entries about not feeling like doing uni work. Sorry.

I watched 4400 yesterday. It was fun. Don't know what else to say about it but I enjoyed it and will be watching the finale tonight.

My window is open now and I can smell the neighbours cooking dinner. It smells sweet and roasty. I'm trying not to eat anything sweet or roasty because I want to slim down. But it's proving to be impossible.

And I've decided that it was time to stop taking anti-histamines for my allergy (or whatever it is) and I'm starting to get the red rash everywhere again and I'm itchy all over. So frustrating.

On the upside, my hair started going wavy again. Must be the warm weather. It's all shiny and wavy like I wanted it to be.

The not eating of wheat didn't help my skin. But it helped me lose some weight (like half a kilo) so I'm going to try and not eat it.

My fitness plan isn't helping much, but I'm going to stick with it for a month because that's when it's supposed to show results.

Why is it so hard to lose 5 kgs? That's all I want. Then I'd look good in all sorts of clothes. And I'd be able to wear any dress to the formal at the end of the year.

I wish I didn't care so much about how I look. And sometimes I don't, which is why I can not care about exercising and eating healthy.

I think if I didn't think I had potential to look better, I wouldn't care.

Australian Politics

Australian Politics

I really didn't want to talk about politics because people just get frustrated but I have to say that I'm so sick of people being completely ignorant.

I'm not saying I'm an expert but I get really irritated when people say stupid things about some single politician as if that politician is the only one responsible for every single decision. Don't people know that things are decided by more than one person.

And I'm tired of people saying how horrible our government is. Go and try living in another country and see how you like it. I know so many people who only dream of living here but can't.

Lots of Australians are just spoilt and take it for granted how lucky we are to live in Australia.

Argh... I'm not going to say anymore.

Wish #76

Wish #76

Max and I meet.

Max: So have there been any guys you were interested in?
me: not really... except one but that was really stupid...
Max: what was it?
me: just met a guy at the bus stop and after only about an hour felt like we connected. Which is ridiculous, really. My friends are sick of me talking about him.
Max: what was his name?
me (embarrassed): I have no idea... All I know is that he lives in [suburb].
Max: Was he tall? Dark hair?
me (surprised): yeah!
Max (smiling): I don't believe this.
me: what?!
Max: my friend, [name], can't stop talking about some girl he met at the bus stop at uni
me (about to have a heart attack): no way!! Ohmigod!
Max: yeah, he won't shut up about it.

Max introduces me to BG and we live happily ever after.

The Way We Are

The Way We Are

Went out with the girls last night. (Not that there was any other alternative but I've always wanted to write that sentence and appear cool and sophisticated.)

We (April, Claud, Ellen and I) had dinner at a sushi place. The sushi train never ceased to entertain me. Oh, the childish joy of watching different dishes flow past. After I memorised all the dishes that were on the train, I moved on to the next childish activity - making silly faces at April's camera phone. April caught on to this fun and we both started taking photos of ourselves posing different emotions. I think we nailed the "I'm a complete idiot" one perfectly.

While April and I were being silly, Claud and Ellen were breaking new records with how many plates they took from the sushi train.

Ellen asked us if we minded if we didn't get paper invitations to her birthday party. April was taken aback when Ellen told us that she wasn't planning on printing them out for all 80 people that she was inviting. And she wasn't going to see us after the invitations get printed and before her party so it would be impossible for her to give them to us. (This is such an Ellen thing to do).

Then out of nowhere some guy came to us and handed Ellen a pack of her printed invitations. Ellen got flustered because she didn't expect to get them yesterday so she gave April and me one to share between the two of us. I let April keep it since she collects them. (Although she did forget to actually take it with her in the end.)

After dinner, Ellen left to do her assignments and Claud, April and I went to watch "The Notebook". It was better than I expected. I thought it was going to be another boring romance (that I only was going to watch because it was too early to go home and there was nothing better on) but it had some very funny moments. There was one bit that wasn't THAT funny but April started giggling which made me giggle which made April laugh even more which got contagious and so we both couldn't stop laughing. I had tears in my eyes because I couldn't stop.

After the movie, April waited with me until my bus came and then we went home. My brother picked me up from the station. We are still not really talking. I gave up trying to make up with him. Although he is being nicer to me. Can't wait till his exams finish so we can go back to how we used to be (i.e. he tells me everything, including all minor details, about what's going on in his life and I do the same).

On Friday when I was asking him something and he was actually standing right in front of me (not doing something else where I can't even see him like he usually is) and I swear he looked older than a few months ago (when we still talked normally). Really hope we totally make up before I go to America because I don't think I'd enjoy my trip as much knowing that Andrew is mad at me. This weird situation between us is like having an extra weight on my shoulders that I can't take off, no matter how hard I try.

I'm still optimistic that this whole thing will blow over.

Guys Of The Year

Guys Of The Year

I decided to go down memory lane and read Ben's emails 'cause April and I were reflecting on all the guys we talked about since we formed our 'club' last year. Can't believe it happened so long ago. Although, it does feel like a while back.

I wonder why Ben stopped emailing... Maybe I shouldn't have asked him how old he was. My stupid ageist ways! I was so sure we would've met up. Maybe he found a girlfriend when he went overseas or something.

Oh who cares, anyway. He was too young.

And then there was Daniel. And Bus Guy. April is sick of me talking about BG (considering it's been about 5 months ago). I only talked to him for an hour and he made the biggest impression out of all the guys I know.

But I guess the oddest thing is that April doesn't know about the most significant guy in my life for the last year. By the rate I'm going, I doubt anyone will ever know about Max.

Max doesn't even deserve such specialness but that's the way things are.

Crunch

Crunch

Is it weird to be addicted to cereal?



I've discovered the yummiest cereal that's VERY healthy - full of fibre, low GI, no preservatives or artificial flavours or colours and totally delicious. I haven't been restricting it to just breakfast. I eat it all the time.

It's especially handy when I'm trying to reduce my intake of wheat and crave carbohydrates.

I've also been following my fitness plan and I feel a lot more energised.

Cool Old Ladies

Cool Old Ladies

The weather is sunny and my cold is almost gone so I feel great.

April and I were chatting last night and after repeating the same conversations we had in the past, we came to a realisation that we talked about every topic under the sun (and shade too), except one:

The weather.

April mentioned the rapid changes from cold to warm and so we were done with that one too.

I pointed out how it's almost like we are two old ladies who've been friends for all their lives and tell each other the same stories over and over again 'cause there's nothing else to talk about.

April: every day we'll tell the same stories
me: maybe we'll have bad memory and won't mind
April: we'll just sit quietly on the porch drinking tea/lemonade/coke whatever
me: do old ladies drink coke?
April: maybe without the gas?
me: I think we should be cool old ladies and drink coke with gas
April: we'll be rebels

Alone Together

Alone Together

Just talked with April for a few hours. I feel so overwhelmed with gratefullness that I've met that girl. Thanks to her, I don't feel like I'm the only one who feels the way I do about things. She's so much like me, it's uncanny. I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life.

I wish I could find a guy to connect so much with. Like April said, even though we are alone, we can be alone together. And that's always better.

Life is never as bad as it seems when you have good friends.

Looking Beautiful

Looking Beautiful

I was just reading over some old entries and it was quite interesting to see how some events turned out. And about the first time I mentioned Max, when I thought I'd never talk to him again and look where I am now. (Yeah, not very far, I know. But I didn't even expect to get here at all.)

In other news, I made myself a fitness plan and stuck it up in my room. Hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. And I've read that grains and refined sugars helped someone get rid of acne in a week so I'm going to try and not eat that for a week to see if it'd help me.

I still need to get a dress for the end of year formal/ball/party and it's been proving very difficult. All the dresses (that are not too expensive) that I've seen don't have any style and have horrible colour schemes. And there's no way I'm wearing pink. Just not my colour. And I really don't want to wear black. Or yellow. I know, I know, I'm picky.

I just want a dress that would make me look gorgeous. But then, doesn't everyone?

I also want my hair to get wavy again like it used to be. It's becoming too straight. I never got why some girls want straight hair so much. I think curly hair looks a lot better. Does anyone know the best way to get NATURALLY looking curly/wavy hair? (Not one of those fake spiral ones.)

Caring about appearances sure takes the attention off everything else.

Sick Dreaming

Sick Dreaming

When everyone had the flu a few weeks ago, I managed to sail through unscarred (with the help of echinacea). Then yesteday night, my glands swelled up so much I couldn't swallow and my nose started running. Today, we had grandparents over to celebrate my Grandma's birthday but I could barely stay alert. I really tried to pretend I was fine but then gave up. I slept way too much today.

Imagined how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to take care of me.

I messaged Max to tell him that I couldn't talk right now because I was sick. He messaged me back to wish me well and to tell me he was watching the NRL Grand Final. Didn't know he was into Rugby...

Confessing To Mum and Max

Confessing To Mum and Max

I'm not exactly sure how it happened but I ended up telling my Mum about BG yesterday. She laughed at my bad luck. I think she was kinda pleased that I met someone I liked, even if nothing happened.

When I switched my phone on today in the morning, there was a message from Max that he sent me at 2 in the morning saying how it'd be good to talk again. Didn't feel as happy about it as I would've last week or the week before that. Don't know why but my feelings towards Max change dramatically from desperately wanting to meet and talk to him to pretending he doesn't exist. Right now I'm close to the latter.

I'm trying to think of meeting him as something fun but right now it doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm happier without any guys at all than with one 'sort of ok' one. This is a rare feeling(especially now that I'm 20).

I have a bit of a cold right now so I'm using that as an excuse not to reply to his message which I think will lead to a conversation over the phone. And my throat can't handle talking for at least an hour (which I'm sure how long it will be).

Matchmaker. Weirdness.

Matchmaker. Weirdness.

I went to Lilly's and Sophia's combined birthday party at a Japanese restaurant. I ended up seating next to Sally and the gross girl that I talked about here. I was polite to her at the beginning and asked her about how her holidays have been. She said she did uni work and didn't ask me anything, so I gave up talking to her.

Sally started matching people up and telling me why certain people were suited to each other (some that she didn't even know). She then said, "I wonder who you could go with" and I said, "No one here, that's for sure!" in a very definite tone. She looked around and said, "Sam." As you can imagine, I was greatly offended and told her so. She said that opposites attract. I completely disagreed. Not counting the fact that I'm not attracted to Asian guys, Sam also likes to get drunk, acts like an idiot and doesn't realise that people are often laughing at him, not with him. He (like most of the rest of the guys) is completely not self-aware. And he cares way too much what he looks like. Just the idea of me being matched with him is completely and utterly gross. Although, the rest aren't much better.

Sometimes I feel like there's no one in the world who's suited to me. But my opinion has been skewed towards this thinking because of the terrible variety of guys that are around me. I'm sure there are intelligent, non-smoking, non-alcoholic, non-religious, funny, kind and attractive (to me) guys (a few years older than me) somewhere out there. Please, let there be!

I also have to try and stop my weird side coming out. Sometimes I say really strange things out of nowhere and it completely throws people off. I know I can say weird things with my close friends because they don't notice it but I have to be more careful with others. After I said to Sally out of nowhere, "How does the chef's hat never fall off his head, even though it's so high?" she looked at me puzzled and said, "You're one very strange girl". I just said it light-heartedly but I guess she thought I was very serious. I should think before I say things like that. Without my little weird side, I'm very normal. I think that my weirdness makes me interesting and some people like me more because of it. But I guess not everyone understands.

My brother picked me up from the station. When I got in the car, I saw that 2 of his friends (girls) were there. I know all about them but I've never properly met them. I'm disappointed in my brother. Who knew he'd be friends with teeny-boppers. They were both giggling at nothing and one kept poking Andrew in the neck, while he was driving. They are defintely not the type of girls I'd be friends with.

I feel like my brother is changing for the worse. Really hope that his moodiness and rudeness is just a phase caused by the stress of the uni entrance exams. It's as if aliens have kidnapped my real nice and sweet and easy-going brother and put a mean one in his place.

Last weekend some people came over (that just came from POB) and the son is Andy's age so his Mum wanted to introduce him to my brother, since the guy doesn't know anyone here. I have never seen my brother be more rude to guests. Andrew completely ignored him, didn't talk to him until prompted by my Mum and the poor guy had to try to initiate conversation and was very friendly. If I was younger, I would've had a very big crush on him. I thought the guy was great and the old Andrew would've made him feel welcome.

The Four of Us

The Four of Us

Went over to Christine's house today. April and Claudia were there too. Amelia had other plans. We played board games (April and I lost terribly to Christine and Claud in Pictionary). However, I did win the game about who tells the best lies. No surprises there. I'm an expert liar.

We ate a lot of junk food. We talked a lot and had a great time.

It'd be a lot harder to have days like that next year when some of us will have full-time jobs. (Hopefully, I'll have a job.)

Childhood is slipping through our fingers too fast.

Other People and Life Mistakes

Other People and Life Mistakes

Had a nice day in the city with April, Claud and Christine. We went for lunch at a very quirky place because we are trying to taste every international cuisine there is. Next to us sat a group of young women who reminded me of the 'girls' from "Sex and the City". They were all tall, dressed very metropolitan and talked about their relationships (as April told me since I couldn't really hear them).

And there were four of us who looked like kids (and I sure felt like one too). Maybe it's because I know my friends since high school that I always feel like I'm a high school student whenever I'm around them. The only thing that really changed is that now we don't eat at McDonalds every time we go out. Other than that, we still act silly and talk about movies and organising our next get-togethers.

In front of me sat a middle-aged couple who I'm certain were having an affair. I could tell this by the way the woman stared dreamily at the muscled guy (with grey hair) who I'm sure looked gorgeous when he was younger. The way the woman kept flicking her fake blonde hair. The way the man couldn't keep his hands off her. The way they were trying to look like teenagers. It was plain gross.

After our lunch, April and I went to watch "Suddenly Thirty" which was VERY enjoyable. April and I couldn't control our laughter. Sadly, we could relate too much to the pain the 13 year old girl was experiencing. But I'd like to point out, that we NEVER went as far as she did. Just so you know.

The movie made us think if we could change anything in the past what it would be. April apparently wouldn't change anything. People say that they don't regret mistakes because of what they learn but I'd rather not make mistakes because I could've not been where I am today if I didn't make them. Like my Dad says, "It's better to learn from other people's mistakes" and I totally agree.

Although if anything was too different, I might've never met April and I don't know what I'd do without her. I always get the best stomach workout laughing with her.

Perfect Friend

If you feel like your friends are not how you want them to be, think about this:

"When your looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship."

The Worst Habit

The Worst Habit

There’s a girl in my course who hasn’t talked to anyone for the last two years and only last week decided to try and join in by having lunch with us. I tried to make her feel welcome (‘cause it can be quite daunting to try and join a large group of people who all know each other). I started talking to her but I couldn’t understand a word she was saying because of her very strong accent. That made it very difficult because I couldn’t reply to what she said but just sat there, smiled and nodded. And every time, she’d look at me questioningly, I felt really bad for seeming so snobby to her.

She was also talking while she was eating and she had all this food stuck in her teeth and she was chewing really noisily and spitting. It was so gross, especially that one thing that irritates me above all else is people eating loudly, making that smacking, chewing and gulping noise. (Just that day, a girl behind me on the train was eating so loudly I had to restrain myself from turning around and telling her to shut up).

Even after that girl was gross, I invited her to come along for our yesterday’s outing. She came which surprised the others and afterwards they said it was nice that she did. I tried to talk to her again because most people were ignoring her (not because they were being rude but because she wasn’t really joining in) and I have to say that I’m over trying so hard to make her feel comfortable because she was spitting when she was talking and I couldn’t understand what she was talking about. I try not to feel sorry for people but it was a bit hard with her.

Which habit irritates you the most?

An Outing Causes Reflection

An Outing Causes Reflection

I think my private blog with April is making me write less in here. For example, I had a sorta interesting day today but I can't really write about all the details in here 'cause I'm too paranoid someone I know might recognise me. It's just easier to only tell April about it.

I went out with some uni friends and amazingly had (I'm a bit afraid to say this) a BETTER time than I usually have with my high school friends. Never thought that could happen. Now, what made it better?

Firstly - guys. Even if none of them were my type (or anywhere even close) but it was nice to hang out with not only girls. Secondly, I loved how everyone was a lot more outgoing which made it easier to not worry whether everyone was having a good time. And it was easier to have a good time with relaxed social people around.

It's weird how although I act the same with my high school friends and my uni friends, people have quite different perceptions of me.

I also got thinking that not only can't we choose our families, but we also can't choose our friends. If I could pick people I'd want to be friends with from the entire population, I doubt I'd choose the friends I have. Except a few.

The Death of a Blog

The Death of a Blog

I was just reflecting on the fact that I've had this blog for a year and a half. That's kinda long. There have been a number of blogs that I found to love but then their bloggers decided to stop writing. There was madpony, Anna and me and now Belle de Jour has decided to end hers. I wonder if I'll ever get sick of writing here. Somehow I doubt it.

Today, I accidentally stumbled on another great blog. Lisa, the blogger from New York, is the type of person that I'd want to be friends with. She's positive and funny and interesting so her blog is great to read. Hopefully, she won't stop writing in it so I can enjoy it for a while longer.

Can't wait to go to America. I might start to count down the days soon!

Invitation Only

Invitation Only

Now that I have a Gmail account, I feel like a part of an exclusive society. I had it since last week (I think...) and I have to say that it's definitely a great innovation on the ordinary email. The 1Gb of email space is fantastic as well as conversation like emails where the replies to a certain email do not litter your inbox, but are added to the original email. So there's no need for ">>>>" that show which email you're replying to. This probably won't make sense if you don't have it, but trust me, it's great!

A Good Boring Day

A Good Boring Day

This semester, I'm not having any exciting days like in previous ones. Here's what happened today:

• Did a presentation which made my tutor laugh. That never happened before, but I was quite pleased.
• Got my essay back and got a distinction - very unexpected since I haven't written a proper essay since high school. (My course is mostly project based.)
• At the station, bought a return ticket to the city so that I could go and fix my plane ticket but it turned out the guy gave me a one way (even though I paid for a return). I got quite annoyed when the ticket gate swallowed my ticket.
• Couldn't find the travel centre so went into a bank to ask. A cute guy was there who actually came out with me onto the street to look for house numbers. Obviously there weren't any, since I already looked before asking him. I asked him to ask other people who worked at the bank. One lady knew and told me.
• Fixed my plane ticket after a debate about whether the lady could do it. Felt good about changing her mind, and saving $100.
• Got on the train and listened to young high school boys talk about movies and girls. It was very entertaining.
• Got off a station before mine and walked home. (I decided to lose weight for my end of the year formal and since there's not much I can change about my diet which is pretty healthy, I've decided to exercise more.)

Teenage Dramas

Teenage Dramas

Everyone seems to be really rapt in The OC, except me. The show just seems to be a new generation of Dawson's Creek, but in my opinion not as good. I don't know, maybe I've just outgrown angsty teenage dramas. But somehow I don't think that's the reason for me not liking it.

I think the difference between The OC and other shows (that I've watched) that it's been compared to (such as Dawson's Creek, Felicity and Party of Five) is that in The OC, I don't like the characters. It's not even just that I can't relate to them (like I could with Joey, Felicity and Claudia), but I genuinely don't like them. They bore me. Seth (played by Adam Brody) is the only one that seems to be interesting but in this show, his character is lost and downplayed by teenage guy fantasy storylines.

The girls in the show seem to be completely two dimensional and are there only as objects for the guys to drool over. There's the "girl next door" who can't even be compared to Joey (even when she did get annoying), there's the "straight-forward flirt" and the "nice blonde". Their stereotypes all add to the ingredients of the typical teenage soap-opera.

Turnaround

Turnaround

I got another tutoring job and it made me think how many kids I tutored. And they are all so different, with their distinct personalities.

The guy that I tutor now, Aidan, started off as someone I thought I could really make a difference in, but then progressed to me just wanting to get through the lesson any way possible, but today something clicked and I actually thought that I quite liked him. He wasn't a lost cause after all. He was bright (which I always knew) and this brightness wasn't just his brains but his personality too. At first I thought he was some kid on drugs with a big attitude problem who was too lazy to use his brain, but today I realised that he was a very friendly person who was creative and clever, but just lived in an environment that wouldn't let him be confident enough to use his brains. He even told me that the reason he didn't want to do too well in tests was so that he wouldn't be the top student, because that was a bad label to have. And that's quite sad.

Maybe I should've been a teacher, as I wanted to be until about year 11. Hmm.... Maybe not, I should just stick to tutoring.

Book End

Book End

It's so annoing when a book is very interesting and then you get to the end and it has the cheesiest conclusion.

"Geography" by Sophie Cunningham is a perfect example. It's about a woman telling her story (about how she got obsessed with a man who was just using her) to a young woman she befriends on a holiday in India. Stop reading now if you don't want to know how it ends. As soon as the young woman turns out to be gay, I was hoping that the author wouldn't resort to the older woman falling in love with her. And when throughout the book, nothing of this sort happens, I got quite happy that a story can be about a close friendship between 2 women (one of which is gay) without them falling in love with each other, but then the author had to go and ruin everything. In the last few pages, the older woman (who was completely obsessed with a man throughout the whole story) goes and falls in love with the young gay one. I was so disappointed that it had to have such a predicted and corny ending.

Now I have a major dilemma: should I reduce my originial rating of 4 stars to 3 stars on Amazon just because of the ending? Decisions, decisions.

Surprised?

Surprised?

Can't say that I'm surprised that I was the only one turn up to the dancing class. I didn't even care as much as I did last time. I was beyond caring. I got the lesson for free, even though it was cut in half. Oh well. I'll go next week again. The instructor (who seemed only a few years older than me) said that some of her workmates will be coming next week. I'm not counting on it.

Another Try

Another Try

I decided to give dancing lessons another try. I found an ad in the paper about new ones that are located only 2 suburbs away from mine. I called the place and the lady sounded nice (which was a change from the dancing studos in my suburb). And they are not expensive, like the ones in the city. My only hope is that I won't be the only one to turn up like the last time. Really hope nothing goes wrong.

Without My Brother

Without My Brother

I saw "Marty's and Jess's Outback Wedding" and although I didn't think it was as good as Trista's Wedding, one bit brought tears to my eyes. When I heard that her brother died in the Bali bombings, I just felt so extremely sick because I couldn't stop putting myself in her shoes and imaginig what it would be like without Andy. Even after it finished when I'd think of it, I'd get all teary.

I guess what made me so sad was the fact that Andy and I haven't spoken to each other properly for a month now because he's really mad at me for losing my temper really bad and going a bit insane. Even though he provoked it, but it's no excuse. I tried to talk to him but he got mad that I was pretending like nothing happened.

I decided to be mature about this because life is too short for fights like these and wrote him an apology (since he wouldn't talk to me).

I hate not talking to him so much because he's my favourite person in the whole world (even at his worst) and the thought of him not being close with me makes me so upset that I don't want to waste a single moment being like we are now.

I realised a while ago that I love my parents because they are my parents but I love Andy not because he's my brother but because he's the best person I know.

Pop

Pop

Yesterday when I saw the last 5 minutes of "Australian Idol: The Unforgettables" or whatever it was called, I felt like Matilda did when she saw dollar bills being stuck to a guy using honey (or whatever it was) and broke the TV using her brain power. Unfortunately, I didn't have that much brain power and I love the TV too much.

But seriously, it made me sick that people's stupidity was exploited like that. I felt the performers' humiliation for them, since they obviously didn't understand that they were being publicly made fun of. Reminded me of primary schools when kids who didn't know any better were made fun of and they thought people actually liked them.

I guess I should try not to feel too bad for them since the performers actually enjoyed the spotlight and being part of the show (even if they didn't understand what it really was about).

What is really disgusting though was that a show like that could actually make money. It was something that could've been written in a fiction book satirising pop culture. But it was actually real. How very sad that television has to sink down to this level.