Two Guys and a Girl

Met up with Tim and his friend who's name is... wait for it.... Max!

He messaged me earlier today to invite me to go out with him and his friend for dinner and just hang out. I didn't even think about it. Although I didn't really want to go if Lauren wasn't coming. But then, I realised that I can't not go just 'cause she wasn't.

And of course, I'm glad I went. It was almost just like it was in America. Only now I was outnumbered by guys, rather than the other way around. We walked around for a bit, talking. Max was kinda cute (in certain light - probably 'cause I compared him to Tim) but Tim quite quickly let me know that Max had a girlfriend. No wonder he was kinda stand-offish. Although he warmed up a bit later on.

Since it's Sunday night and I usually don't go out at that time, it really reminded me of when I went out with Andrew. Although, unlike Andrew, Tim already asked if I wanted to meet up tomorrow. I wish I could but I have to work and then there's the dance class. Damn. I liked hanging out with both of them. Max was really nice once he stopped pretending I wasn't there.

Tim asked, again, if I wanted to visit him in his home city. Even though he tried not to sound serious about it, I could tell he was. Told him I had work every day. Which is true.

I'm also certain that they both smoke since Tim had a lighter on him. Non-smokers don't just carry those around. It really makes me wonder how people in medical professions can smoke. Although I guess people in most professions know that smoking isn't too healthy but they still do it. Max also smokes 'cause he checked his pockets for one when someone asked him.

I really lose so much respect for smokers. It's such a reflection of weakness on their personality.

I guess having smokers for friends couldn't really hurt. Especially if they're guys since I'm lacking in those. And of course the fact that Tim seems to like me really boosts my ego, even if I don't like him as much. As long as he doesn't cross the line, then I have no problem.

The Urge To Comment

I used to never comment on people's blogs but lately I always have something to say about what some people write. So now, all the bloggers who have Blogger comments won't let me post. Seems like some error or something. I hope it gets fixed soon.

And I guess I should stop assuming that everyone likes to get lots of silly comments just 'cause I do (apart from those preachy ones but they are pretty rare).

Email Form

Just a note to say that email form is not working. It's Angelfire's fault. They admitted to having an error in the system that they're planning on fixing soon. However long 'soon' is.

I'm Not That Unlikeable, Just Bitter

Tim is coming this weekend. Lauren told me about it last night.

Then today, I got a message from him to tell me personally. He must've gotten my number from Lauren. I'm way too happy about a guy asking for my number. Even if it is someone who's not boyfriend material. Oh well, he's not too bad, just not my type.

He asked what I was doing on the weekend and I wanted to say something that wouldn't make me seem like a sad case who has no plans but at the same time would allow me to meet up with him whenever he's free. Went with the "Not sure yet".

He said he was meeting up with his friend and then has Monday and Tuesday to do whatever. There's no way I could meet him on Monday since I'm doing that dance course. I would invite him but it would be too awkward. And Tuesday, I could only do after work when I'm positive I'm going to be tired. And he might be leaving that night anyway. Not sure.

I need more time to come up with a good plan where he introduces me to his friend. I would suggest going clubbing but Lauren wouldn't come 'cause she doesn't like that stuff and it would make it hard to talk. Don't want to go to pubs or bars either. Just going out to eat is a bit boring. Too bad he didn't come when I volunteered at that festival a couple of weeks ago. That would've made a great outing without any awkwardness. Must think of something fun to do!

When I got his message I couldn't concentrate on boring work anymore. It was a nice feeling to have something interesting to think about.

Speaking of work, I had lunch with 2 women today who were really nice. Actually everyone there is so nice, it makes my job a lot easier to bear. When I made some mistakes 'cause the work was so mechanical and monotonous, I couldn't concentrate (and you know, I don't understand the skill of concentration), the people who it affected were SOOO nice about it, I felt like hugging them. My past job experiences taught me that people will get angry even if they even only think you made a mistake. They will act condescending and mean. But not here. I'm just not used to working with such understanding people.

During lunch, in the length of the first 15 minutes, a woman asked if I had a boyfriend. I wanted to scream that it was none of her business but I did something worse. I asked if she had any kids, having the feeling that she wanted to but couldn't. You should've seen how quiet she got. And her smile dropped in a second. I felt so bad about it. But hey, at least she has her husband to support her, whereas I'm sure I'll have to go through that alone.

I know I'm becoming such a horribly bitter person. Might go eat some chocolate to make myself nicer.

Mood: Bad

Something happened today and it made me feel worse than I already do. I don't want to say what it was 'cause I think I'm getting too worried of how people who read my blog perceive me. Not that's it's anything too horrible and I'm sure lots of people would be able to relate but I need to pretend, at least to myself, that it hasn't happened.

Train Observations
After work, I got into the full train where no matter where you look, it seems like you're staring at someone. And in front of me was a young European couple obviously travelling around Australia and they just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I really wanted to tell them to stop 'cause it's not like I could look anywhere else since the guy was standing below me on the steps and the girl was towering above me and I was squished in the corner. Couldn't look down. Couldn't look up. Couldn't look sideways.

Sometimes I entertain myself on the train by guessing who's single and who's not. I wonder if I look really bitter. I probably do 'cause I am.

Work

Since I'm seated in the corner and can't talk to everyone else without yelling, some woman must've felt sorry for me and came over to talk. She asked how old I was and said I looked really young. I've been told this twice in one week! Maybe she meant, young for 30. When I was young, people always told me I was mature and I hated that. Maybe that's why I like to act childish now.

A few more women came to talk to me which was nice. The atmosphere is really good there. Everyone is warm and friendly. But the actual job sucks. I guess I can't have everything.

6 Components of Happiness

6 Components of Happiness

I've been officially rejected from the jobs I had interviews last week. I wish I knew how to act differently at interviews to get accepted. I try to do the 'genuine, friendly, enthusiastic, confident' thing but either I'm not doing it properly or I need to do something different.

Maybe I'm just a unlikeable person, which is so easy to believe if you look at my job search and boyfriend situation.

When I was working this week, I hated to feel like everyone thought I was someone incompetent and uneducated and just average (or even below average). I need people to know that I'm smart and way above average. Before, I'd just have to say what school I went to and everyone would be impressed. Or say that I was studying a course that's hard to get into. But now, no one knows or cares. They just see me stapling and filing.

People treat you differently if they think you're smart. They immediately have more respect for you and listen more intensely to what you're saying. Now, I'm just so ordinary and boring. I hate that. And if I go along with the whole ordinary thing, then I should enjoy it for all it's worth and have a boyfriend.

Oh my God, I really should stop all this self-pity. I've been doing it enough this week. It's just life is really unfair to me right now. Of course, my logical and practical self would say, "You make your own life. Do something about it and stop complaining". But right now, I feel like I'm doing my best and it's just not good enough.

Things just have to get better. They have to.

6 things that have to run well in order to be happy:
- health
- love life
- family
- friends
- home
- career

My health could be better but it's managable.

My life life... well, no comment.

Family - something that's running well.

Friends - could be worse.

Home - perfect.

Career - you know.

Life At The Office as a Temp

Life At The Office as a Temp

Another work day finished. Since I was seriously bored at work doing the paperwork, I pretended that I was in a sitcom about an office...

There's the old lady who acts like a girl, singing along and laughing and being silly with everyone. There's a young bubbly African woman who wears lots of gold jewelry and talks about how she decided to get married and have kids, instead of finishing her education and has no regrets.

Next to me is a woman who looks like she's about to go in labour any second. She spends all day talking on the phone, organising different social events. Sometimes she sounds mean and cranky, other times she has the warmth of Cinderella's godmother. I was scared to talk to her at first, but then she started being really sweet to me so I don't fear her angry outbursts anymore. Those are only reserved for caterers and other people she pays money to make sure her social events run smoothly.

There's the woman who's in charge of me. I don't have an opinion of her yet. She seems nice but there's something not quite right about her.

While everyone thinks I'm involved in my work, I entertain myself by observing them (since my desk is too far to actually talk to them). I have a perfect spot for eavesdropping 'cause I'm near the hall and everyone always walks past. But they're not close enough to see what I'm doing.

I even felt like emailing or blogging at work, but then remembered all those stories of bloggers being fired.

Tomorrow I have a day off, yay! I need to go clothes shopping. I have enough work clothes to last me 2 days. Which have already passed. The best thing is that I actually have money to go shopping! And there's no need to save up for anything now. Although I am thinking of going interstate sometime soon to another city that I've never been to. Sally said she'll come with me. So now that I have a job, it's going to be possible. It is so exciting to have money to spend on superficial things.

Busy Day

Busy Day

I'm tired. And I'm upset. Or more like frustrated, annoyed and irritated.

No, my first day at my temp job was ok. I was quite happy comparing stapling and monotonously typing while sitting at a desk to standing behind a counter waiting for customers (like my previous jobs). But after a couple of hours, I was bored out of my mind. All I could think was "I did not go to uni for 3 years to play with the stapler and put big numbers in order".

My whole department only has women, most of whom are married and have kids or are pregnant. So they like to talk about their family lives. I tried to concentrate on the sound of my stapler making holes in sheets of paper. I hoped it annoyed them. Ok, so I didn't really hope that, I was actually hoping it wouldn't bug them too much.

After work, I went to my dance class. I had extra time but not enough to go home, so I pretended to wait for a train at a train station. Some girl sat down next to me and started staring. She then decided to talk to me like we were friends. She kept saying I looked really familiar. I said she did too, but at the time I was trying to make her seem familiar. We talked for a bit 'cause she was quite nice. She asked what uni I went to and when I told her I finished, she said I looked young. Then, when my train came, it came to me! She used to work with me at the store last summer. I've only talked to her once then but we had a pretty long conversation. The reason I remembered was because last time she also told me I looked young. People don't usually say that to my face. Then I also remembered how she told me about living in India (and this girl looked Indian) and since she's in 2nd year of uni now, it would make sense that when I worked there, she would've just finished high school. I wished I could jump off the train to let her know my realisation.

The dance class wasn't as good as the one I went with April to. The girl-guy ratio was horrible. There were like 5 girls to every guy. And the instructors made some girls do the guys' parts which I really dreaded. Thank God, I convinced Andy to come. It guaranteed me that I would only do the girl's part. All those times at my all girls' school when I had to do the guy's part really put me off doing it.

The guys who came also were a lot worse than the ones from last time. They were old and stupid and terrible to dance with.

I think I will take this opportunity to encourage ALL guys (especially ones under 30) to join a dance class. It's a LOT of fun and you are really needed there! Especially to the one I go to. But unfortunately I can't tell you which one. Maybe you could just read my mind? Anyway, here are some reasons you should go:

1. You'll meet LOTS of girls
2. You'll be able to impress everyone with your cool moves on the dance floor.
3. It's a good form of exercise and it tones your body in the best way
4. It's fun!
5. Please????

Now, I'll get to the reason I'm frustrated. The person who I did the website for (for free, don't forget) called me up to tell me that she showed it to some people and they said that in order for a website to look professional, it has to be in shades of grey and blue. And they want me to redo it. Even though they loved it before and were really happy about it. I have nothing against blue and grey sites but I really don't think they're appropriate colours for the product they're selling. First of all, I don't have as much time to redo it and secondly, I don't want to work for free anymore.

What I'm afraid of, though, is that if I refuse to do it, they'll get someone else and I won't be able to show it off in my portfolio. It's the only thing that got me last week's interviews. Speaking of which, they haven't gotten back to me which means I didn't get those jobs. Very disappointed. I was kinda optimistic before about my job search, but now that I've got a crappy job that doesn't need any mental skills, I'm feeling like I will never find a job that would make use of my abilities.

Also, I have no opportunity to meet guys. I'll be alone with a boring job forever.

(Please, excuse my self-pity.)

Got A Bad Job

Got A Bad Job

I've got that temp job doing admin/data entry work. I guess I should be happy that I'm going to get a lot of extra cash now. And I am happy about that. I'm just going to have less time looking for a job I actually want. But even having this job for a week would be like tutoring for a year. I felt really bad calling up the tutoring agency to cancel the student. I really liked her family.

This job is going to be so boring. I even hoped I wouldn't get it. Oh well. The recruitment agent told me the manager is really nice. She better be. And the location isn't the best. It's actually quite close to where Nadine lives. Might visit her after work. Oh my God, that would be so weird.

I'm Not Home

I'm Not Home

I think I'm going to stop answering our phone. Last night, one of my Mum's friends called and she always asks me about my job search. And it's not just the casual "How's it going?", she asks about every single detail. Every interview, every application. And she likes to give advice that I already know. And I can just hear her feeling sorry for me over the phone. The 'hmm...'s and the 'oh...'s and the 'good luck's. Every time.

Hottie and Shoelaces

Hottie and Shoelaces

Oh my God! I saw a bit of Lost and the doctor guy is Charlie from Party of Five!!! I used to absolutely love that show when I was about 12. I thought Claudia was a television version of myself and I lived vicariously through her 'cause I thought it would be great to have a big family. That's until she started getting boyfriends and I stopped relating to her.

The realisation of that doctor being Charlie came to me when I thought his voice sounded very familiar. I definitely didn't recognise his face with the short haircut. He's also now so muscular. Quite hot, really. Gosh, that high voice was so recognisable.

Since this was the first time I've seen the show, maybe it's just me who thought he was always crying. But he had a masculine way of crying. The 'trying to hold back all the deep pain but my eyes are watering 'cause the pain is too much' way.

Maybe when I was 12 I was too young to notice his attractiveness. I just wanted an older brother like him 'cause he was really caring. Oh, and Bailey (Scott Wolf) seemed like a cool sibling to have. Until he started going out with the 'I'm holier than thou' Jennifer Love Hewitt and became an alcoholic. She's just got that "I'm so pretty" look about her. She reminded me of a girl from my primary school who I didn't like. This girl used to not tie up her shoelaces because she said it was a cool thing to do. Unfortunately she never tripped and so never learnt her lesson.

This reminds me of when a girl from another year of primary school died of cancer and everyone was crying but I couldn't because I didn't know the girl (since I was new) and the tears wouldn't come. So I looked out the window so no one would think I was cold hearted. Then this 'can't tie my shoelaces' girl pointed at me to her friend and started laughing. God knows why. So the tears came easily then. So I turned back to face everyone else. There was no need to pretend I wasn't sad then.

It's weird the little moments that we keep in our memories for so long.

Anyway, I don't know how I managed to go from the hotness of Matthew Fox to my primary school days... It's like you're inside me head, reading my thoughts.

In Search of Employment

In Search of Employment

I so want to work where I had an interview today. The guy who interviewed me was so cool. He was so easy to talk to, I felt I was talking to someone from uni. He was young and really understanding of the difficulty of breaking into the industry. He said he had 40 applicants so I really doubt I'm going to stand out.

The temp agency called to ask if I wanted to do some admin/data entry work starting next week. I said yes and the agent said she's going to send my resume to the company.

Another guy called about the job where he was offering below minimum wage to get some work experience doing ads for ebay. Since I've already done free work experience, I told him (a couple of weeks ago) I'd only do it for a higher amount (which was pretty minimal). Today he said that since he got a lot of applications, he's going to get everyone, who's interested, to do the ads, and he's going to pay the person who does the best. He must think everyone's an idiot. It's not a competition. I don't want to work for free in the hope that he might pay me close to nothing if everyone else does worse.

During the interview, the guy asked if I was doing anything afterwards and stupidly I said I was going to meet friends from uni (which I was). I thought he was just being friendly but then I realised that he might've suggested for me to see what they do and I could've increased my chance of getting employment there. I'm so annoyed at myself for not thinking of it at the time.

So after the interview, I met up with the girls from uni. We had lunch and then walked around. I wish they all lived closer so we could meet up more often. Most of them are very cool - Sally, Sophia and Katie. The other 2 are ok but not my type. None of them have career related jobs either which gives me some comfort. It really is hard and not just me.

I left a bit early 'cause I remembered that I was planning on going to the dance class tonight (after successfully convincing Andy to come with me), but when I got home, I was so tired I decided not to. Especially that I enroled in an actual course starting next week. After some deliberating, Andy enroled too (although he doesn't know if he's going to be coming yet).

It's so useful to have a brother (or any sibling for that matter). Last night, after the concert, we met up with Valerie's older sister and you could see they're really close. They do everything together, including going overseas. Siblings are like permanent friends. If I had to choose between having a brother or a sister, I'd definitely choose a brother. An older one preferably (for his cute guy friends) but I'd never swap Andy for anyone. Maybe an extra older one?

Would you rather have a brother or a sister? And older or younger?

My Day Before Bed

My Day Before Bed

Yes, I should go to sleep, especially since I have a job interview tomorrow. But I just feel like I need to write about things that happen. I don't think I'm addicted to blogging. It's just a habit.

Today I went to Christine's 21st birthday party. It was at a restaurant and everyone had to pay for themselves a standard amount. The food was so not worth it. It was mainly people from Christine's fashion design course. Before we got there, I told April that Christine's course just has girls and gay guys. April told me not to stereotype. But I was right, at the party there were mostly girls and some gay guys from her course. Stereotyping isn't a made up notion. It's based on fact. Of course I'm not saying that every guy who studies fashion design is gay. Simply because I don't know every guy who studies it, but generally speaking it's true.

After the party, I started thinking that maybe I should organise a big party for my 21st, something I wanted to avoid altogether. (And don't tell me about turning 21 only once, every birthday happens only once.) I guess my main reason for not wanting to celebrate my birthday was 'cause I was scared people won't show up, since I skipped so many parties last year and some this year. Reason being, some were too hard to get to and last year I was obsessively saving money for my trip to America. Also, don't want the guys from uni thinking I have no other guy friends (which is true) since I went to an all girls school and never really joined any other groups. Maybe I could get Christine and Claudia to bring their boyfriends... That's if I can get out of Claud that she got one now. I really don't know why she's so secretive about him. What's the big deal?

Tonight, April, Valerie and I went to see a band at April's old uni. There were so many teenagers, I felt old. There was a cute guy standing next to Valerie but how was I able to talk to him without seeming like I was coming on to him? Every time I go to concerts, I always wish I stood out from the crowd. And that I could have the opportunity to meet a guy. Anyway, that's just wishful thinking.

The temp agency called me to offer me a job tomorrow but I have the interview so had to cancel. Damn. It always happens like that.

Now that I've written about my day here, I feel satisfied and can go to sleep.

Ouch

Ouch

Just read April's and my private blog and I feel a pang inside. She already met lots of nice and smart guys and it was just her first day. I can already see her getting a boyfriend in the near future and I won't be able to share my pain with anyone anymore.

I guess this is how she felt when I had that 'date' that went nowhere. But unlike my bleak outcome, she has all the opportunities of getting exactly what she wants. And it's great for her and I know she wants to share all this new hope for a happy future with me but it's just like being punched at an already sore spot. All of that acts as a reminder that I have no opportunities for such things. And I was doing so well getting myself distracted...

Model Versions

Model Versions

I was having some fun with My Virtual Model.

Another Family

Another Family

I went to tutor my new student and was pleasantly surprised. I was greeted by her grandma who was very friendly and straight away told me she had 2 grandsons, one finishing uni and the other finished. I wondered if she was like my grandma, looking to for a match for her grandchildren. When the girl actually came down, the grandma goes to her, "She's a pretty girl!" as if I wasn't there! Maybe she wanted me to hear or maybe it's just an old grandma thing to think no one can hear you. Either way, I was so flattered.

My student didn't turn out as bad as she sounded on the phone. We joked around the whole lesson. She didn't even notice she was doing Maths.

Her younger sister was so hilarious. When we finished, the older girl goes to her sister (who's about 12), "... 'cause you're annoying" and the sister goes, "But that's what makes me so cute!" I couldn't help but laugh and want a sister just like her.

Even though I think I don't want to tutor anymore, when I'm there I absolutely love it. It gives me a high knowing that the kids and their family like me. If I get a full-time job, I don't think I want stop tutoring in this family.

Want That Job. A Bit of Max

Want That Job. A Bit of Max

Just got back from my interview at the media company. The location was great, the managers seemed great, the job is wonderful. I'm going to be so disappointed if I don't get it.

Watched the excellent episode of Desperate Housewives yesterday. I'm so in love with that show. I loved when Susan was stranded in the middle of nowhere where prostitutes worked and she called her daughter to get someone to pick her up, some guy drove by and asked her if she was available (thinking she was on the job) and she said to him, "I'm on a break" in a really apologetic tone. I actually laughed out loud. Gabrielle is starting to seem really mean. Bree was actually really nice to that boy. And I thought she was evil. I hope they won't resolve the mystery in the obvious way - boy kills his sister and the mother pretends she did it to protect him or something along those lines.

Dancing With The Stars is on tonight, yay! I'm so getting back to my TV obsession. It was too long since there were any absorbing shows.

Got an email from Max today. Just said that he was leaving and coming back in late April and that he'll talk to me then. Even though I asked him last time, he didn't tell me where he was going. Maybe jail? He said he got really busy last week and was sorry we couldn't meet. Yeah, right. He also wished me luck with my interviews as if that's going to make me think that he remembers what's going on in my life. Like it's hard. Too bad he isn't right for me. We could've met and I would've already had a boyfriend. Anyway, enough of contemplating about it for today.

Tell me the most interesting thing that happened to you today.

In The Right Direction

In The Right Direction

I've fulfilled my goals for today.

I enroled in the dancing course and I got two interviews (at a media and a publishing company). Well, I didn't actually call up these places. I answered their job ads last week and they got back to me. But the outcome is the same so I'm quite happy. To be honest, I'm very happy 'cause I didn't expect to get those interviews since I haven't got any (except one) for 2 months I've been looking.

Wonder how April's first day in Law is going...

Behind the Smile. Taking Charge of My Dreams

Behind the Smile

My Dad's cousin and her husband left today so it's back to just the four of us.

Last night I went to Claudia's friend birthday party. It was quite a family gathering. So many relatives! I loved the atmosphere! Her boyfriend came from overseas for it. They met online. Just throught I'd mention that. He told everyone he loved her, really emotionally during the speeches. The girl was already teary after her best friend's speech. Then her kid brother did the sweetest speech. It reminded me of when Andy was little and cute. Her Mum also mentioned that it was hers and her husband's 25th anniversary and someone asked jokingly, "Do you think you can make another 25?" and she said looking lovingly at her husband, "I wouldn't have it any other way". I had this wide cheesy grin on my face but inside I felt like crying.

Didn't really get to talk to the guys, except her cousin who was drunk and an idiot. He kept asking me the same questions over and over again. He was shocked I had a uni degree and wasn't 21 yet. April and Claudia found it really amusing. I was annoyed he wasn't sober and smart.

Today I went to help out at a festival. Kim turned out to be there! Shouldn't have been surprised since she loves doing stuff like that. Saw some celebrities there which only reminded me how much I want to work in the media/film/televsion industry. I'm always in my element when I have to organise and deal with people. I get all this energy that I never expect to have in me. One guy proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone. I've never witnessed such things before. I couldn't stop smiling. Tried to block out the pain from surfacing.

Taking Charge of My Dreams

Since I don't have uni anymore, I'm going to devote my time to achieving my dreams. No more excuses or fear of failure. You only live once.

Dream 2: achieve an advanced/performance level of dance
Dream 3: find a job I'm passionate about

(Dream 1 was to go to USA and I've achieved that.)

These may seem a bit silly (especially the first one) but I know it's possible to become advanced in salsa in a few years. The other styles take longer and I have the disadvantage of not doing enough when I was little. The second dream seems impossible but I will do everything in my power for it to happen.

My Plan:
Dream 2: enrol in the beginner course (next week)
Dream 3: call up production/media companies and ask for graduate/entry-level jobs or work experience (since just answering job ads hasn't been very successful).

Main obstacle: loss of motivation
Must not give up!

I guess the reason I'm writing this here is so there's more pressure for me to follow through.

Different People

Different People

I think I decided that even if Andy won't join the dancing course with me, I'm going to do it anyway. By myself. He said he'll come to the casual class on Thursday but I think that's as far as he's going to go. I'm just counting on him to really like it next week and want to do the course.

Must remember that doing things by myself will force me to meet more people. And it's pretty obvious that the majority of the guys that join these classes are there to meet girls. The other few were forced to come by their girlfriends, and the rest are gay. Girls do the classes because they actually like to dance.

April was teasing me about me wanting to do them just to meet guys. Which, honestly, couldn't be further from the truth. The guys are just a bonus. I'm serious.

Last night I got a message from the temp agency but for some reason I only got the message at 8pm and it was too late to call back. I'm a bit disappointed to miss out on a job.

Tonight I'll be going to Claudia's friend's birthday party. More meeting opportunities. April and I were surprised that she didn't want to take Mike with her. Oh well. If I had a boyfriend, I would be ecstatic about being able to show him off to everyone and have a permanent guy to take everywhere. But everyone's different. She didn't even care about getting a boyfriend. But that's how these things usually work. If you don't really want something, you're more likely to get it.

More Dancing

More Dancing

I think I'm getting back into my dancing obsession. Which is definitely better than any guy obsession. Well, one particular guy specifically.

I'm thinking of doing a course. Since I don't really want to go by myself, I'm going to try and force, I mean pressure, I mean encourage my brother to come with me. He will be especially useful when everyone has to get into pairs at the beginning. After that, people rotate so it doesn't make a difference. It's the initial awkwardness (that happened when April and I went on Thursday) of finding a guy to partner with, especially if you're standing near the couples, like we did unintentionally.

This is going to be something new to get excited about.

Job and Dancing

Job and Dancing

I got a student to tutor. I wish I had a proper job so I wouldn't have to do it. I called her today and she didn't sound very nice - like her parents were making her get a tutor and she wants nothing to do with it. I just can't wait. Was also thinking of turning it down 'cause it'll take me 20 minutes (at least) to get there and it's not really worth for an hour lesson. But I need money. I'm slowly running out of my savings.

Went to a latin dance class tonight with April. It was the best fun! And the guy-girl numbers were pretty even. There were a couple of guys who stank so bad, I couldn't wait for us to rotate partners. Some were a bit controlling - "No, I'm the one leading! You have to wait until I motion for you to turn!". I felt like saying, "Well, lead correctly then!" but I didn't. God, that guy was getting all the steps wrong. All the cute guys were there with their girlfriends. There were a few alone guys there but one was a bit too old (even though he was a hot South American) and the other guy ignored me when I was about to come up to him and ask if he wanted to dance (since we get some practice time at the end with whoever we want).

Too bad April can't come next week 'cause she has a long day on Thursday at uni. Might have to drag my brother. Although it didn't work very successfully today. Will have to use my usual strategy - "There are lots of girls your age" which isn't totally correct (since there was only one his age) but who pays attention to details.

The beginner class was SO easy, completely unlike the other beginner dance class that I went to (that leaves me puffing and sore for the next few days). I might only do a couple more of them and move to Intermediate. Something that would be impossible at the other class.

Anyway, all I need now is a job. (I finished my work experience website and they loved it, yay! They decided to reward me by giving me a variety of their products for free. I think they should give me money but they don't think the same. Pfft.)

Oh, and a boyfriend.

Judging Myself

Judging Myself

This is so typical.

He must've expected me to say that I was going to be busy because after I told him that I wasn't doing anything on Friday, he said he was going into the city. And that's it. No question or suggestion for meeting.

Anyway, I hope everyone knows that I'm fully aware that I'm making a much bigger deal of this than necessary. I always make a big deal out of such things. Simply because I have nothing that's worth making a big deal about. So I just blow up little things and pretend they mean more than they really do. I always get carried away in my head. I think I've mentioned that there's usually a lot more going on inside my head than outside it.

And I'm starting to worry of people who read this blog judging me. And I used to love writing here because for some reason before I didn't care. This will probably pass.

Like, who cares what you really think!

(See, the worry is gone already.)

Bad Timing

Bad Timing

Oh no.

No no no.

Max asked me what I was doing on Friday which means he wants to meet then.

He's dragged it out so long, I don't know if I want to meet him anymore.

But if I don't, I might really really regret it.

Don't know what to do. I wish I was in that state where I desperately want to meet him 'cause if I go without any enthusiasm, I know it's going to be really awkward. Indifference makes me quiet. And quiet is not what would make this meeting comfortable. Also, feeling that he's only doing it 'cause he knows I want to, won't make it any easier.

He always waits until it's bad timing.

I feel really torn. My new attitude makes me want to cut this off but my old one can come back in a few weeks time (closer to my birthday) and make me regret not meeting him. Especially since it's not going to be possible then. I'll have to wait even longer.

Argh...

Repeat: Do Not Need Max

Repeat: Do Not Need Max

Met up with April today to watch Bride and Prejudice. I got such a sore throat that I wanted to cancel but then remembered how much I hate it when people cancel at the last minute so took lots of throat lozenges, drank lots of tea and went to meet her.

The movie wasn't that great but it was entertaining for a bit.

Watched Dancing With The Stars tonight. I love that show! It never fails to put a smile on my face. It's making me want to go dancing again. Speaking of which, I went to a dancing class last week. I could barely keep up. I'm getting so unfit. Going to try drag April to a ballroom dancing one on Thursday. Even though she said yes, I'm expecting something to go wrong. I bet she caught my cold today and will be sick.

I'm also getting my sense back and thinking that I need to pull myself together. I can stop clinging to Max, even if it means I have no one else. There were times when I didn't feel like I needed Max just because there was no one else so it is possible. I'm strong. That's right, go me. (I'm giving the success of this pep talk to last until Max's next email. So a day or so. But hey, gotta start somewhere. And must not think of turning 21 without having any relationships. Ok, it's going downhill already.)

New subject. I'm tired and going to sleep. Good night.

Desperate For More

Desperate For More

Just finished watching Desperate Housewives (since I got distracted halfway through yesterday by the work experience people). Another excellent episode. Loved how the twins painted the girl blue. Loved how Bree joined her son at the strip club. I thought it was so funny how she goes to her son's friend, "You were great in church on Sunday" (or something like that). And that old guy getting distracted by Bree's speech on the stripper's life.

Oh and how Gabrielle's husband punched the cable guy but he turned out to be gay. (It was clever of the writers to make him comment on Gabrielle's purfume earlier in the show.)

And Gabrielle was funny when she went to visit her lover-boy on the football field and his other team mates started staring. She goes to him, "Did you tell them about us?!!" and he goes, "No, they're staring 'cause they think you're hot" and so she starts smiling and waving at them.

And that Mrs Hoober (or whatever her name is) is so evil, it's great! The actress who plays her is hilarious!

Surprises and Other Things Not So Surprising

Surprises and Other Things Not So Surprising

Claudia has a boyfriend. I'm not supposed to know. (And neither are you.)

April found out when she went out with Ellen and her tonight. The one I didn't want to go to.

This boyfriend is Mike! Remember the guy I talked about here? I was quite shocked. Definitely didn't see that coming. Apparently it's serious 'cause they even met each other's parents.

April and I are the only ones who are left without boyfriends now. Wanted to talk about Max again, but thought that April felt bad enough about lack of guys as it is and she'd think I don't understand just 'cause I 'know' him.

He sent me another email saying he's leaving for 7 weeks! I don't call that a 'short while'. I hate clinging to him so much 'cause he's not even worth it. But without him, I don't have any hope. At least for the last few weeks, I could sort of see something possibly developing but now I see it faded somewhere in the future. But then, it'll probably float away even further.

I don't understand what's wrong with him. He used to want to meet so much. Ages ago. It even used to get to me that he was being so persistent. Now it's completely reversed. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend so it can't be that. Not that being in a relationship should prevent him since we'd only be meeting as friends.

Is he just lazy? I really don't get it.

Of course it could be that he's not who he says he is which would confirm my paranoia, but the chances of that are too slim.

Those 7 weeks seem like such a long time. I've waited long enough. I can't wait any longer.

Maybe I'm dreaming the whole thing and he really doesn't exist.

I don't know.

I want a job. A good one. With lots of opportunities to meet RG.

April: people with boyfriends have no right to complain.
me: maybe that's what poor people who have no food say about us.
April: I bet they're saying, "I have no food but at least I have someone who loves me and who I love back."

What's Happening With Max

What's Happening With Max

Since April knows about Max but won't mention him, I love teasing her about it. Like, I'd say something that obviously refers to him and she knows it but we'd both pretend that I'm talking generally about no one specific.

Yesterday I really wanted to tell her that I decided to meet him but something inside me held back.

I emailed him suggesting a time and place (and wishing him a happy birthday - he turned 25). Then, a few minutes later, I get a message from him asking what I'm up to. I thought he wanted to suggest meeting up right then. I asked what he was doing and he messaged back saying he was out drunk. I thought he was so over getting drunk 'cos he kept saying that he doesn't anymore since he knows how I feel about such things. For a moment I changed my mind about meeting him.

But then thought, it's not like I didn't know that. I just moved that information to the back of my mind. What the hell.

Today I got an email from him saying that he's really busy this week and next week he's leaving for a 'short while' so I don't know what's happening now.

I just want to meet him and get it over and done with. It's dragging on too long.

Catch-22

Catch-22

So I didn't get that job. I was more upset because of the feeling of rejection rather than not getting a job I wanted. I'm over it now. The feeling of relief has overpowered the feeling of rejection. I don't have to travel 2 hours there and back! I don't have to spend 10 - 12 hours in the tiny corner of that huge office with salespeople trying to outscream each other. I don't have to deal with the boss who kept calling me 'darling' way too many times. I didn't hear him call the other guys that.

So yeah, that means I'm back to unemployment.

I lowered my standards today and called up a few office administration jobs. Immediately got an interview from which I just got back. The guy asked me curiously why I would want to work there when I have a university degree. I wanted to yell, "Because it's not helping me get a job that I'm suited to" but of course I didn't. I changed the subject and told him how confident I was in doing data entry and answering phone calls. He was looking at me like what's wrong with this girl. He said he'd be in touch. Pftt, yeah right.

Also called up a place that offerred an administration traineeship. When the woman asked if I held any certificates and I said I had a uni degree, she said that disqualifies me from being accepted.

I'm finding this quite funny now. I can't get an easy job because I'm overqualified and I can't get a proper job because I'm not good enough.

Unemployment Sucks

Unemployment Sucks

Since I'm writing here, I'm obviously not at Sam's party. He changed the place to somewhere too hard to get to. And no one interesting is going anyway. Sally and Sophia decided not to go when I said I wasn't. Never thought I had so much influence. Power feels good. Even if it's not used in the best way.

Last night I got to talk to the POBian girl from my POBian class. I haven't spoken to her since the first semester of last year. She's been modelling overseas and is now working at a bar while finishing her degree. Sounded quite glamourous, really. Hearing stories like that doesn't really help my self-esteem. I'm such a sad case right now, being unemployed and boyfriendless.

Was also chatting to Ellen who invited me to a dinner next week and after deliberating whether I should make up an excuse, I decided to be truthful and just say that I was short on money. She then kept insisting on paying for me. Here's a hint: making me feel like a charity case isn't helpful.

April didn't hold back saying that excuse was my blanket excuse for not wanting to go out. I decided not to take it to heart. Wanted to say that her blanket excuse was being sick but didn't want to sink to that level. It's not like I'm totally broke but I have to make priorities and if I was employed, I would've went just to be polite. However, since I don't have a job, I only spend my savings on what I want.

If I don't get the job on Monday, I'm going to apply for a government allowance. God, that's so sad but I don't think I have a choice. I guess I could look at it as when I do get a job, I'll pay the allowance back in my taxes.

Really don't like my place in life right now. But hey, things should get better, right?

Creepy Tourist and Inconsiderate Kids

Creepy Tourist and Inconsiderate Kids

Today I got picked up by a creepy Japanese tourist while I was waiting for Sally. When he asked me to show him around, I quickly got my mobile and called her to hurry her up. Then later, some high school guy said hello to me and Sally said, "Do you always attract freaks?" and after a few seconds of thought, I remembered that yes, I do.

And I found out I had one of those old complaining ladies syndromes in me. I realised this when we were at the cinema and this group of high school kids would yell and scream throughout the WHOLE movie! I was so ready to write a letter to their principal (not that it would get me my movie enjoyment back) that I even asked what school they went to.

I think everyone in the cinema was ready to get violent. I know I felt like shaking them. Some people even walked out.

The Same Ride

The Same Ride

Decided to email Max, just 'cause I felt like it. And he replied straight away saying that he's going to have some time off from Friday and we can meet up then and what 'my preference' is. God, so formal! I feel like numbering them (although I'm still not sure what he was referring to - time, place?)

Up I go, again, on my old never-ending rollercoaster.

Desperate Housewives Is Good For the Brain

Desperate Housewives Is Good For the Brain

I'm so in love with "Desperate Housewives" I have to tape it so I can watch it more than once. I've never done that before.

How funny was the bit when Susan locked herself out totally naked?! But it was cool how she turned out to be one of the strongest women in the bunch, the way she used her embarrassing story to make someone else feel less embarrassed and the way she had the strength to accept that her ex-husband will never apologise for cheating on her.

I love the character development. At first I saw how weak Susan was but now I can see that she has more inner-strength than the others.

Bree was so horrible to embarrass her husband the way she did. And I really don't see how she's pretty as most other people think. She looks scary and evil. Which makes her character great.

The writing is so funny too. And you can tell every little thing that happens has a reason.

Anyway, the way Susan got spotted by the other guy while she was lying in the bushes naked made me wonder if it would be less embarrassing to be caught naked by a strange guy or a strange girl... I think if the person was around my age, I'd prefer a guy because I'd feel too intimidated if it was some girl. Don't ask why. But if it was an old person, I'd much prefer a lady because being seen naked by an old man is too creepy.

That's what I've been thinking on the train today, coming back from yet another temp agency interview. I always get the weirdest thoughts on the train. I think sitting for too long in one place inspires me in some odd way. Hmm... I wonder if people sitting in jail get interesting thoughts...

Working Forever

Working Forever

If I have to work every day the way I worked yesterday, I don't want to work at all.

The company for which I had a trial day yesterday is insane. Most of them work 12 hour days. The rest work 11 hours.

For the whole day, I can truthfully say that my mind did not have a single thought about anything other than the work I was doing. There was simply not enough time. And you know what an easily distracted person I usually am.

The 2 hour travel time there and back didn't make things easier. By the time I got home I was ready to fall down right at the door and not get up.

If I don't get the job, I will not get upset. I will feel very relieved not to have to work like that every single day.

Although this job would be such a leap for my career because I would be creating real ads all by myself and not helping some senior person (as I expected to be doing after graduating from uni).

If I got at least 3 years of experience doing that work, I would be able to apply to high positions that I would only expect to apply to after 30 and skip all the mid-weight design work (since I would be starting at that level in that job).

And maybe it wouldn't be as hectic as it was on my trial day since I really don't think I'd be expected to make 5 professional quality ads in one day. And I'd also be the only girl in my department and the department next to mine. I defintely wouldn't mind that.

Anyway, both sides have advantages and disadvantages. I'll just have to wait to see what my future has in store for me.

Just Fine

Just Fine

I was reading this and it's making me want to visit America again. But this time not just for the touristy stuff but to actually live there for a bit. I stress 'a bit'. It's not enough to visit a place for a few days to get the feel of its culture.

Although, I'm pretty sure I won't be visiting America until I visit Europe. I've been wanting to go to Scandinavia for ages now.

I really need a job. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. It's like I know it's inevitable for them to reject me. I can very rarely come up with great ideas immediately. I need some time to think first.

Oh well, it'll give me something to do.

Having finished as much of the website as I could, I'm now waiting for the company to actually give me the photos of their products. Something I don't see happening anytime soon. I want to finish it as soon as possible though to get it out of the way.

Desperate Housewives are on tonight! Yay! That show always gets me excited 'cause I love solving mysteries (especially ones that don't involve gore, police, detectives and forensic investigators). Psychological mysteries are the best. It's the first show which I've checked the Australian message boards (since I'm too scared to check the American ones and seeing spoilers). I've already come up with all the theories the people on those message boards have thought of so there wasn't anything new to peak my interest.

I'm feeling quite content today, even though it is Valentine's Day and I don't have a boyfriend to make it worthwhile. For some reason I just feel happy. I think it's because we've had quite a few relatives over the last couple of days and I'm feeling quite loved without any guys around.

The Sport Divide

The Sport Divide

Another random thought:

Do sporty guys only like sporty girls?

Realistic Romantic

You Are A Realistic Romantic

You are more romantic than 70% of the population. It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Very Valentine

Very Valentine

I'm so glad Valentine's day is on Monday this year and not the weekend like last year. I'm not as depressed about it as I expected to be. I was going to email Max tomorrow but I don't want to do it on Valentine's day. Which is stupid 'cause it's just a date.

I've read an article about a woman travelling to 80 countries to look for her soulmate (and wrote a book about it). And she found him! I'm a bit cynical about it though and expect them to break up in the near future. But I hope they don't. I love it when people work hard to achieve their goals. It makes me feel like if I put my mind to it, I could do it too, and it's not all just random acts of fate. Although if fate wants to give me a miracle, I wouldn't mind.

The Party. April Upsets.

The Party. April Upsets.

It amazes me sometimes how my Dad all of a sudden would notice something I'm wearing that I've worn tons of time before like it's the first time I was dressed like that.

Dad: you look pretty today! Going on a date?
(In my head: I wish.)
Dad (to Mum, yelling across the house allowing my Dad's cousin and her husband who are staying with us at the moment to hear very clearly): did you see what she's wearing?!

I was so embarrassed. You'd think I was wearing something slutty like... nothing. Don't even want to think what my Aunt and her husband thought I was wearing. I quiety sneaked out so I wouldn't have 2 extra pairs of eyes checking out my jeans and top. My Dad can be so embarrassing. It's not like I'm 13.

I came to the club (where the party was held) on time and was the first one there. (Last time I came on time, I was one of the last people). Some other girl who I didn't know came. I wanted to come up and start talking to her but I just couldn't make myself.

Soon afterwards, Sally came so that was cool. She reminds me of April in some ways but less conservative and shyer. It would be good if she made more effort to keep in touch. She said she wanted to but she was slipping into anti-sociableness even though she didn't want to. It's probably 'cause she's shy. Like, she didn't even want to ask a few people to move so she could get out to go to the bathroom - I asked for her which I think embarrassed her and I felt kinda bad about it afterwards.

After Sally, Sam came so the three of us talked for an hour before the host came. There weren't actually as many people from uni as I expected. There was a lot of dancing (even though the girls had to be dragged onto the dance floor) so I was happy.

I had to leave early 'cause I mixed up the train timetable and for some reason thought the last train was an hour before it actually was. Silly me. There was one ok guy at the party and if I had stayed for another hour, I could've actually got to talk to him.

Sam is having a party next week so I might go to that. Wish he had some nice guy friends to introduce me to but that's asking too much.

I was comforted by the fact that people who finished my degree are also having trouble finding work. So it's not just me.

Speaking of work, April really upset me on Friday. Ever since she got into Law, she's lost most of compassion for the difficulty in finding a career related job. She said that if I want to work so much, I should get a job in a shop or something.

Really wanted to remind her how when she was rejected from Law the first time, she couldn't even be bothered to look for any job, not like my every day routine of applying for any career-related job ad. I didn't get a uni degree to work in retail! (And, hey I did apply for temp work which she said wasn't really trying hard enough. That really made me mad.)

She always said that she wanted to be a lawyer so she could help people but this 'helping' seems so superficial now because if you really want to help people, why not start with people closest to you by being understanding, sincere and kind. And when she thought she wouldn't be a lawyer, I said that she could still help people by doing volunteer work or something but she said she didn't want to do that sort of helping. It's like the recognition for the 'helping' is what's important to her rather than the actual helping.

So yeah, I'm being bitchy. I prefer to call it venting.

Where I Am Now

Where I Am Now

I'm a bit over Max at the moment. He's getting on my nerves and I need a break from my game playing.

I've had my first real job interview yesterday and they want to give me a trial run so I'm too happy about that to pay attention to Max.

I'm pretty sure they won't hire me but I won't mind too much because it's really far for me to get to anyway.

Today, my Aunt Naomi came over with my baby cousin. He is the most adorable baby (other than my other cousin Allie). Every time I'd look at him or play with him or hold him, he'd start laughing. It melts my heart every time.

In other news, I'm not tutoring anymore because the girl I was supposed to tutor canceled at the last moment which really bugged me since I only paid my fee to the agency because this student's mother asked me to tutor her daughter this year.

Tomorrow a uni friend is having a party. Not really looking forward to it but since I've missed the last few, I should go and put some effort into my social life, especially revolving around uni people. If only I liked them as much as my high school friends, but hey I shouldn't complain. They're not that bad.

Secrets on Postcards

Secrets on Postcards

Since my 'secret reveleaing' board didn't really take off, check out PostSecret. People send their secrets on postcards to the owner of the site. Some seem so 'out there' that I have a suspicion they were made up.

The Max Game: Wrong Turn

The Max Game: Wrong Turn

I did a stupid stupid thing tonight. I think I just ruined my chances of meeting Max. I should know that timing is everything. I started off smartly this time (a few weeks ago), I waited for him to bring up meeting. Why couldn't I have just a little bit more patience and wait for him to organise it? Why did I have to bring it up when our conversation was at a low point and I was stalling and struggling to fill the silence? Did I have to bring up the subject at the worst time?

No, I don't expect you to answer any of my questions. They are just there to tell myself off for ruining my own plan.

I was reading a couple of blogs about relationships (no, I'm not talking about yours) and I was so quick to judge these people as being weak and I just wanted to tell them to get a grip (I'm still not talking about you). But then I thought, I'm being just as weak with the whole Max thing and I should get a grip. And really, I should.

But then, I thought I'm not like these people because I actually know what I'm doing. I know that I want to use Max because I can't find someone better. I know I'm playing with his mind because 5 years were long enough for me to know how he reacts to different things. I'm doing all this because I'm selfish (and some may see that as weak).

I guess I think being weak is when you can't control yourself but I'm controlling this situation like a puppet show. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. It's when I start feeling comfortable (like tonight) with how well my plan is going when it all starts coming apart.

I should've always been alert and not start to relax and say whatever comes to my mind, thinking that he really likes me anyway. Because he only likes a certain part of myself - the sweet, nice, funny (something that takes careful preparation) part. Today he saw a bit of the clingy and needy part and I hate that. And so does everyone.

His mood can also be responsible for not liking something I said that he would've liked if he had a better day. And I picked up that he wasn't in the best mood tonight and yet I kept saying things that were not helpful to my long-term plan.

Hopefully this wrong turn can be reversed so that 'the plan' is back on track.

Desperate Viewer

Desperate Viewer

Today is the first day in a loooooooong while when I'm really looking forward to a show on TV. Desperate Housewives is so addictive and I've only seen the first episode.

The Bachelor Home Companion - A Practical Guide To Keeping House Like a Pig

ROOF REPAIRS

Remember, when making roof repairs, the most important thing on the roof is... you. If you value yor hide, you'll get down from there this minute.

But if you really have to get a TV antenna up or you'll miss the National League playoffs, be sure to do it in a rainstorm. Wherever you're holding the antenna when lightning strikes is the place where it will get the best reception.

INSULATION

Fiberglass is the best insulation material.

Rolls of commercial fiberglass should be handled carefully because fiberglass can irritate the skin. Cover your face and limbs, wear gloves, and a hat. When you've got all this on you'll be warm and won't need insulation.

LAYING WALL-TO-WALL CARPET

You can lay wall-to-wall carpet yourself or you can take the carpet you have already and adjust the walls accordingly.

COOKING: VEGETABLES

Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno peper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

COOKING: FRUIT

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.

BACHELOR COOKING

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun.

For more helpful hints, check out "The Bachelor Home Companion" by P.J. O'Rourke.

My Blog, Two Readers - A Love Story

My Blog, Two Readers - A Love Story

Two readers have been reading my blog for a while. They both comment regularly, sometimes agreeing about intelligent issues raised in my posts, sometimes disagreeing. I enjoy reading their conversations in my comments box. So do lots of other readers. Lots of times, they move away from the subject of my entries to other topics.

After a while, those two readers only read my blog to see what the other posted (because face it, I don't write about intelligent issues). So do the other readers. My blog becomes boring compared to their blooming relationship created in my comments box. Even I find it more interesting than anything I've ever written.

Everyone holds their breath as one asks the other for her email address so they can talk 'in private'. I get mail from readers who are desperate for the two love-birds to continue their relationship in my comments box. I do my best to make them but my best just isn't good enough.

The two readers are quite understanding and let me know how their relationship is going so that I can post about it in my blog. I get tons of readers anxiously waiting for my every new post. I like the attention so it works out for everyone.

One day, I post an announcement about their engagement. My email gets flooded with letters about it. Being a responsible person, I don't reveal any of the details. I get invited to their wedding (since they got together because of me in the first place - something I had to remind them of because if I can't have my own wedding, I'd like to go to other people's ones).

I hate the wedding because it's too perfect.

They live happily ever after. I don't.

The End.

It's late. My mind wanders.

Goodbye Grandma

Goodbye Grandma

I just came back from the airport, saying goodbye to my grandma. I feel so sad now because it'll be at least another 3 years before I see her.

Before we left to the airport:

Grandma: Andy is coming to the airport to support me and you'll have to come to support your Mum. We'll probably start crying like last time.
me (jokingly): and who's going to support me?
Grandma: you don't need support. You're the strongest one.

I don't feel strong at all now. I know that in a week, I'll be back to normal but the first few days after she leaves are always hard 'cause it's like there's something missing. Something that I really got used to having around. And I loved how she always managed to calm my Mum's nerves and my Mum was generally more pleasant to be around. I loved how Grandma told off my Mum for her compulsive cleaning obsession and my Mum actually listened to her! She never listened to me when I got annoyed about it. My Grandma was a good influence on everyone here, even if she did get on my nerves sometimes when she got too inquiring about my life.

I miss her already. As soon as I get a job, I'm going to buy her a plane ticket to come here again. I'm even willing to sacrifice my next trip because it would make me happier to see my Mum and Grandma so happy.

I'm so lucky to have such a close-knit family. I just wish we all lived closer. Not oceans apart.

My Dad has been trying to cheer up my Mum but I don't think his joking around is making it better for her. Andy was also being really sweet. Got a message from Max and felt like calling him up to talk but it's defintely not a good idea to call him when I'm in an emotional state and might say things that I will later regret.

Just wish I had someone to make everything better. But for now, I'll have to make everything better by myself.

Dress Code Poll

Dress Code

Vote on my poll.

Paths Diverging

Paths Diverging

April will be moving to a suburb that's 2 hours away. I feel like a school child being upset about it.

It turned out that the uni that she got in is quite far and her Dad will be transferring to work there anyway so her whole family is going to move. She's the only person out of my close friends who actually lived close by but now there's no one. We won't be able to just meet up for a couple of hours because it would take longer to actually get to each other's place.

I know it's not another country but everything's going to be so different now. She'll be at uni for another 3 years, far away and I'll be unemployed and still here.

It's amazing how one thing (such as her getting into Law) would make such a big difference and diverge our lives (which have been running parallel for so long) so much.

I hate growing up and becoming adult.

Pressure Is Great For the Lazy

Pressure Is Great For the Lazy

Today I realised that I work best under pressure. A lot of pressure.

Yesterday, I got an email from a company that I applied for asking me to show them my work. The only good work I have are the logos that I've done so today I made a portfolio site so it could act as my web design work. I stuffed so many useless things in it, like my photos. Then, of course there always have to be problems with the code which takes ages to correct. After many problems, I managed to finish it and actually be happy with what I've done.

How many times did I postpone doing this? But give me a deadline and I get to it immediately.

Anyway, I've had a bit of a surprise today. April got into her post-grad course during the second round offers. I got so used to her being in the same position as me (relating to looking for full-time work) that I really had to get my mind around not being able to share this anymore. I hated that I felt sad for a moment about it.

She's so excited, which she should be. Why can't I be happier for her. Hopefully tomorrow when I see her, I can at least act excited because she deserves it. She worked really hard. I hate it when I feel so selfish.

It's weird remembering how only yesterday we were talking about how weird it would be never to go to uni again. Sigh.

Max messaged me today to see if I wanted to call him again ('cause he was at work alone). I sort of did but was really busy with finishing my site so didn't reply until almost 10 when I knew he would be leaving. I guess we'd have to talk another time.

Told Andy about everything that happened last week in regards to April and Max. Felt so good to have my brother on my side.

Watched "Desperate Housewives" on Monday which was absolutely great! Didn't expect it to be but it was. Now I have a show that I can really get into again.

The Continuing Saga of My Life

The Continuing Saga of My Life

Two things happened that moved my life a bit forward in the last two days.

First thing: Tim wants me to visit him. So very unexpected! I'm planning on avoiding him for at least a week. I have no idea how he decided that I liked him enough to go interstate.

Second thing: Max wants to meet up. Kinda unexpected, considering how he said last year that he doesn't want to meet me 'cause he thought it was pointless. Now, I know that only a few days ago I said that I'd meet him in a second. But now that I know that it's so very possible to become a reality, I'm getting nervous and anxious about it. Not sure what I'm going to do. Probably avoid him for at least a week too.

God, I love how I deal with these things - avoidance.

April still hasn't brought up our conversation. I'm not bringing it up but I think that if she did, I wouldn't mind.

My life is becoming so messy now. I have all these things that I wish I didn't. I want a nice clean life where I have a nice boyfriend who I actually like and not embarrassed about. Everyone would know about him and April and I would not have any stupid secrets from each other because I wouldn't feel the need to hide any of my squeaky clean life.

The Torture Chamber Survival Story

The Torture Chamber Survival Story

I just came back from the Torture Chamber, also known as The Dentist. I can't feel half of my face but I'm sure I don't need that half right now anyway.

I honestly believe that dentists thrive on the pain of others. After I lied down on the torture chair (which was deceivingly comfortable - another way to trick you into thinking dentists are nice people), the Torturer started hitting me on my sick tooth asking if if it hurt. After I almost yelped in pain, I'm sure he thought, "That was fun, I'll just hit it harder" because that's exactly what he did.

My pain only encouraged him to reach for his tools. One of these was a long sharp metal rod which he proceeded to stick into my gum and tongue. All the while with a smile on his face (I knew it was there behind his white mask!)

"This won't hurt at all!" he said, knowing exactly how much it would but lulling me into a false sense of security. But he underestimated me! I knew not to believe all his fake words. I could see through all his evil lies!

He didn't even wait long enough for the anaesthesia to numb my mouth because as he was drilling (which was already painful to listen to), I could feel horrible shots of pain in my tooth. While I was clenching my hands together and squeezing my eyes, he kept saying, "I told you it wouldn't hurt" to which I could only say "Uhuh!" which seemed to please him.

He then goes, "So how's your Dad?". F$%^ing hell, I can't talk while there are electric instuments having a war inside my mouth. But I should be used to it. My dentist always likes to have conversations while I lie helpless in the torture chair with my mouth forced open wider than it can usually go.

When I was freed, I thought half of my face was blown up. I ended up having like 3 fillings in one tooth. It's more probable that I have some of my tooth inside the fillings. But I can't be sure.

When I got home and checked the damage in the mirror, I saw a grey filling. That evil monster! He said they were going to be white.

Another Ride

Another Ride

That conversation that I had with Max on Monday has put me on my "Max Rollercoaster". My hopes are gaining speed and soon I will reach the top before falling.

It's weird reading through our old emails. It's like being back in time. It's nice knowing that next week I might talk to him again, on a completely different level now.

When I talk to him on the phone, I feel like he's just another one of my friends. And it's the little things that he does that make me like him more. Like the way he kept saying, "Mm..." while I was telling some story to let me know he was listening. It seems like such a ridiculous unimportant tiny thing to notice but it really stuck with me. He was really good listener. Kinda familiar in some way. And just lots of other seemingly insignificant things like that that tug at my thoughts.

I know that if we lose contact again, I will be annoyed at myself for feeling like this about him. And for some strange reason, the fact that April knows about him makes me like him more. The way she was shocked that I haven't met a guy I've kept in contact with for almost 5 years after how much we complain that we don't know any good guys. And how we say that at our stage right now, almost anyone would do, but then there's someone who's better than just anyone and I don't do anything about it. To her, the Max thing seemed so simple. After hearing how old he was and that he lived 20 minutes away, she was stunned and asked, "Is he nice?!" like that was the only thing that was preventing me from meeting him.

I so need to talk to her about this. I need her advice. Although, I'm pretty sure I know what it will be.

Maybe Max changed his mind about meeting me and he wants to now. I'd meet him in a second. I've had plenty of time in the last 5 years to imagine countless scenarios about what it would be like.

I really need to not sound as clingy to him as I sound right now 'cause I know it'll put him off.

There are so many things I want to talk to him about. One thing about him is that he's great to talk to about deep stuff. Not that I've talked much with him about it. But even how we were talking about what it's like to live alone ('cause he has been recently) and he was saying that it's weird to come home in the evening and there's no one there. The way he was saying it made me see myself in the future doing the exact same thing. Living the great spinster's life.

If I met him and became friends with him, he's the type of guy I could make a pact with that if we're both unmarried by a certain age, we'd marry each other. Although those sorts of pacts scare me because it's like you're asking to marry that person when you're old. I mean if it's meant to happen, might as well do it earlier.

I wonder what April would think if I told her that Bus Guy looked like Max. I were her, I'd go through all of our conversations because if she did, she'd see lots of hints about him. I mean, there were numerous times when I wanted to tell her. But didn't. And then was glad about that. The next day I'd breathe a sigh of relief and think, "Phew, that was close". I wish I could do that now but I can't. It's too late.

Can't wait till Andy gets back on Monday. I want to talk him. I was so shocked to see him at the train station when I was waiting for April on Thursday. I had to stop myself from giving him a hug 'cause I knew it would've embarrassed him. At home, he's always my little brother and nothing else but in public, he's so many other things. Only outside of home, I see that he's not just an extension of myself but his own person. Who's not even a kid anymore. I miss him.

When I think of how we're both adults now (well, he's almost one), and how I'll have to move out at one point and what I'll hate the most about that is that Andy won't be around all the time and we won't be able to muck around the way we still do now.

Anyway, as you can see from this long post, I'm overthinking everything too much. Need to stop.

Should Not Be So Dramatic

Should Not Be So Dramatic

I have a market research job today. I love those, as I've mentioned before. They pay a lot to watch ads on TV.

I need to talk to April. Or Max. Now that April knows about him, I want so much for us to be friends in real life. And it would probably be a good idea for me to discuss this with April so we're back to being open with each other. Although I know I don't want to tell her everything because I like having some things to myself so if I'm annoyed at her for whatever reason, she doesn't have all of me. If that makes sense.

I just really need to move from this place that I've been in since the conversation.

As I read over this now, it sounds so much more dramatic than it should be.

The Deepest Darkest Secret

The Deepest Darkest Secret

I've made another attempt at starting a discussion on my message board.

Temping

Temping

I had an interview today at a temp agency. Hey, I need money while I look for a proper job and tutoring hasn't started yet and won't be enough anyway.

Apparently my typing speed is excellent. Not surprisingly, considering how much I talk to April (and others) online. Chatting with people online is the best way to learn to type fast.

I've also had to do a test on how well I know Microsoft Word and even though I only ever use it to write stuff, I logically figured out how to do the other stuff they asked. The receptionist said that I got about 50% higher than most people.

Maybe I should just be a data entry person or a secretary. Great way to use my university degree!

When I told my interviewer that I'm doing work experience for free, she took it more personally than I expected. She told me that I shouldn't let companies exploit me like that just because I just finished uni. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't if she got me a company that would pay me. It was kinda funny watching how it upset her.

It'd be kinda cool to work as a temp for a while though. I'll get to meet lots of people but not be there long enough to get in conflict with managers.

Waking Up To Reality

Waking Up To Reality

I woke up today hoping yesterday was a dream.

Went to bed last night thinking how April will now always think that I'm not telling her everything that's in my life and she will therefore stop telling me everything that's in her life and we will never have this closeness that we share now (or had until yesterday). Then thought how Max and I will probably lose contact again soon and all of this would be for nothing. Woke up thinking those exact same things.

Actually, I can't stop thinking about it at all.

I guess it's selfish of me to want her to tell me everything while I'm allowed to keep secrets. But then, she didn't have any secrets like that. Maybe I wouldn't be as embarrassed about this secret if it wasn't so hypocritical of me.

Hopefully, I will stop thinking about all this soon and things could go back to the way they were. Except I don't think they can. 'Cause that openness that we shared is now gone. And it's all my fault so I should just stop feeling sorry for myself.

The Secret Revealed

The Secret Revealed

This is SO not supposed to happen. I thought at least I should feel relieved but I don't. I feel really unsettled.

I met up with April (after the conversation). Neither of us mentioned anything about it. I think she tried to move the conversation there but I wouldn't let her. I hate having this tension where there's a subject that at least one of us wants to discuss but can't. Please please please let us not drift away because of my stupidity.

How many times did I imagine how I would tell her and it was never like this. It was only going to happen if I actually met Max and hung out with him on a regular basis. ONLY then.

I guess the only good thing is that I didn't lie. If I did, it would've made things even harder in the future.

But now I'm scared to talk to her about our usual topic of conversation 'cause I know she'll bring him up. She doesn't realise that Max doesn't count as another one of the guys we talk about. He doesn't count at all because he's not really in my life. Only in my thoughts. He's separate from my life. Or I guess I should say 'was'. Now it's all intertwined and I didn't have time to plan how everything should be. I'm not in control of the situation anymore and I hate that.

I guess I should be thankful for all the scenarios I did imagine of telling April. I made big use of the"I didn't tell you 'cause it's not a big deal" one. She didn't buy it though. She said if we make talking to any guy a big deal, then knowing a guy for 5 years definitely is too. I told her I didn't 'know' him because I've never met him. I could feel myself weaving a nice big web for me to be caught in. She kept asking me why I was denying this but all I could do was deny my denial.

While we were having this conversation (on the phone), my grandma came in and said my face looked so red, I should at least change which ear I hold the phone receiver too. I don't think she saw that the other side of my face was just as red.

The Next Chapter of My Life

The Next Chapter of My Life

There's been an interesting development in my life.

April knows about Max.

I didn't plan on telling her. It just happened.

I don't think she'll ever trust me with anything again.

I'm known for always digging a hole for myself and now I've dug one of the worst ones.

April is a bit shocked that I knew some guy for 5 years and did not mention a word about him.

When she asked me when the last time I talked to him on the phone, I could barely get the word "Monday" out of my mouth.

Maybe this is a dream and I will wake up soon.

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. It should've happened according to my plan (that I haven't yet devised, which is why it shouldn't have happened).

It was a horrible moment of weakness on my part.

Not Like The Others

Not Like The Others

Max: I'll email you tomorrow

After checking my email yesterday (the tomorrow of the phone conversation) and not finding anything from him, I started to feel embarrassed that there I was thinking this guy is better than the others when he's just like all the others who say they'll do something but then don't.

Then at 9:30pm, I get a message from him saying that he hasn't emailed yet but he will before the night is out. So I got all happy that he's considerate enough to let me know. Then I thought, he probably won't email anyway. But today I checked my email and there was an email from him, just like he said. So I have no reason to be embarrassed about liking someone who's like the majority of the others. (And I don't mean just guys. Nadine always says she'll call on a specific day but never does. It's not a big deal if they don't call, but why say they will?)

Yesterday my grandma was inquiring about my guy situation, again. So I told her about Andrew and the bus guy and my wonderful luck in all those situations. But the funny thing about grandparents (especially this grandma) is that they get totally baffled how anyone might not like their granddaughter. It's like they don't see any of your bad characteristics. They only see the good. Gotta love grandparents.

Since my grandma from POB has been here, I've been going for night walks with her and last night, some car full of teenage guys started whistling as they drove past and I muttered, "Idiots" and my grandma laughed and asked, "Is that how you deal with all guys?" and I said yes.

I don't know how my grandma does it but she gets out so much more information about my personal life than my parents. I end up telling her much more than I plan. But haven't told her about Max. Max is my secret and will probably stay that way. (Well, apart from Andy who's allowed to know.)

If Max had a uni education and an intelligent job and drank a bit less, I think he'd be perfect for me. Or as close to perfect as can be. I wouldn't even care if I met him on the net. One of my brother's friends met some guy over the net and now says that he's her soulmate. If Max was my soulmate, that would make things a lot easier. I guess if you meet someone who's totally right for you, how you meet them isn't important.

Cloudy Mind

Now that I have plenty of work (website designing and implementing for work experience), I’m back to my procrastinating ways. I wish I had a longer attention span. Even an extra 30 minutes of concentration would be good. More would be preferable but I can use anything I can get.

What am I even talking about, it’s not like I can wave a magic wand to make myself concentrate for 30 minutes more. The fact that my brain has been getting cloudy (like it always gets when Max is involved) isn’t helping.

I’ve been tossing and turning last night because I couldn’t fall asleep thinking about the last 4 years and the next four years with hundreds of different versions. Thought how good it would be to talk to April about it. Then thought how bad it would be. Imagined countless future scenarios. Mostly with him in them. Realised that the more I stop judging him, the more I like him. So what if he’s never been to uni, so what if he has some dumb job. So what.

Sometimes my mind just won’t stop thinking and imagining and not letting me have a break from my constant thoughts.

Back To Max. Again.

Back To Max. Again.

Just talked to Max for 2 hours. I feel better. I think. Didn't talk about anything serious but it was good anyway.

I think he might be smarter than I think he is. He's a complete expert in photography which I find impressive. I like when people are really interested in something.

Another thing that impressed me was that he also does a lot of research before buying stuff. Apparently he draws up tables and writes up notes. And I love that.

He was so trying to impress me, I know it. He succeeded.

You know, there are some advantages to not trusting your own judgement. You do more spontaneous things that lead to good things that you would've never experienced had your judgement prevented you from taking the risk in the first place.

Is this starting to sound like another one of my Max phases? I think so. Anyone can guess how long it'll last this time.

I think I'd like to meet him some time before I die. Hopefully a bit earlier.

Childhood Moments

Childhood Moments

I really have no life right now. Nothing exciting has happened for ages. Well, since my trip to America and nothing in my life can compare to that (other than 'the date').

So blabbing, here I come...

My brother is going on a week holiday with his friends tomorrow. Who am I going to bug now? I tried to make up for the next week by acting like a 5 year old today. Andy was also acting that age so it was ok. We couldn't stop being silly and chase each other around the house (I told you we behaved like 5 year olds).

My parents and grandma were looking at us like we were insane. There's nothing like being silly with my brother to make me feel like the happiest kid on Earth. When I'm being stupid with Andy, I feel like I'm transported back to that nice comfortable world that I was in when I was a child. A world where there's no thought of the future, no responsibilities, no stress or anxiety. Nothing but blissful childhood abandon. I love that world.

Since my grandma is staying with us now, I always get reminded of what I was like when I was little. Apparently I was called "100 minds" by other people because I would say really adult things. And would ask a lot of questions. Well, I still do that. Anyway, it made me remember my childhood and how comfortable it was. All the fun times I had. (Of course, it wasn't as perfect as I like to remember it but I have no memory for bad things. Like, I remember the bad stuff but I just ignore it.)

Here are some moments that are very clear in my mind:

Staying in the country house during summer with my grandparents (the ones that live here now). This house was near a forrest where we used to go and pick lots of fresh berries. One time I found a huge bush full of the juiciest raspberries (a bit off the path which is why no one else saw it). There were so many we had to go back to get another jar.

There was also a river near by that we could get to either by crossing a field which had grass growing up to my waist or walk around it (which would take a lot longer). Sometimes we'd ride our bikes there. We'd spend most of the day splashing in the river and playing cards while drying off.

I also remember talking to the neighbouring boy through the fence every day. How when I would get bored, I'd look through the fence to see if he was there. And I remember one time he was showing me some huge stick that he found and I didn't like sticks so I asked to look at it. He gave it to me through the fence and I sank it in the water tank that was standing near the fence. He didn't talk to me after that. It's funny remembering it now but I felt really horrible about it afterwards.

Also, the times I'd get taken to see plays and musicals because my Mum wanted to make me cultured. Although, in POB, it's not as expensive to see that stuff as it is here. And it was quite common to take kids to see a play rather than a movie.

I could probably go on for a lot longer remembering all those precious moments of my childhood but it's only making me more nostalgic.

Sometimes it's hard to reflect on how much my life changed since I moved to Australia. My life would've been completely different there. Probably worse (in financial terms) but better in social terms. When I was about 14, I used to wonder what it would be like to keep growing up with all my guy friends from there. I think my boyfriend situation would've been a lot better. But I guess it's easy to say now since I'll never know.

I really should snap out of this nostalgic mood soon because it's pulling me towards Max. Anyway, since my judgement lately hasn't been too good, maybe I'm judging him wrong and he's really much better than I think he is. I mean, I thought Andrew was great and I was wrong about that.

I have this list in my head against which I judge whether a guy is right or not for me and Andrew had everything on that list but he wasn't right for me. But Max here only has some things that are on the list but maybe he'd be good for me.

Well, I'm going to stop babbling now. Maybe I'll have something more specific to write about later.

Back On Track

Back On Track

I just heard some great news.

The guy who I was doing the website for and who hasn't contacted me since last year even though I sent him numerous emails with different layout ideas, contacted me to tell me that he's too busy with the business side of the company and is going to get another guy to work with me.

But the best part is that he got some other guy to also do some layouts for the site and he liked mine better! Yay! I'm better than someone else!

This makes me feel a lot better about my design skills, especially since I had no luck with finding a job.

So I guess, I'm going to continue doing stuff for this company. At least I'll have some more professional work to put in my portfolio (something most design companies are looking for).

I've also volunteered at a film festival but have got no reply about the details. God, even for free, no one wants me. Also volunteered at a film school to help out with student productions. The guy in charge emailed to let me know that he'll tell me when they need me to help with shoots. At least that's better than nothing.

Weakness

Weakness

People really disappoint me. Or maybe I just have unrealistic high expectations of everyone. If I believe that, the disappointment grows even more.

Today in the morning, I couldn't wait to hear how last night went. Mostly it was as I expected - everyone smoking their lungs to death and drinking. What I didn't expect was that Elaine started to smoke too (obviously for the first time since she went into a coughing fit) just because everyone else was (other than Andy).

Andy asked her what she was doing and she said she wanted to fit in with the others. All I can say is that I've lost most of my respect for her. Why are some people so weak? It's not like the others would've hated her if she didn't smoke. My brother never smokes with them and they don't care.

There are so many more people who don't have inner-strength to be confident that if they are a smart and nice person, people will like them even if they don't smoke or do other stupid things.

I remember how Nadine used to say how much she hated smokers and how it was a filthy habit but when she went to some party, she decided to try it because everyone else was. Ugh. Same goes for Amy who would start fakely coughing whenever some smoker was near us to give them 'hints' but then after some holiday called me up to tell me that she tried smoking! Like it was something to be proud of.

What is it with people?!

Even with all my insecurities (and I know I have plenty), I would never sink as low as doing something I totally didn't believe in to impress other people. If these people didn't like me because of that, they wouldn't be worth impressing anyway.

I don't know why this makes my blood boil so much. Andy told me not to care so much about other people doing stupid things but for some reason I can't help it.

A Comment For Ashley

A Comment For Ashley

As I've said lots of times before, my comments are usually stuffed. They either don't show the right number or won't let me post or some other problem they like to create to make things more difficult.

So this is more of a reply to Ashley's comment (which got posted 3 times and when I deleted 2 of them, the 3rd one disappeared as well, or maybe I deleted it accidentally myself).

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Max never treated me like an object. He actually usually thinks I'm a much better person than I really am which is what makes it really hard for me to remember the reasons I don't like him (which I've mentioned before but if you don't want to read all my posts to find them, they are laziness, not a lot of intelligence in some areas and some other personality traits that I don't find very appealing).