The Secret Revealed

The Secret Revealed

This is SO not supposed to happen. I thought at least I should feel relieved but I don't. I feel really unsettled.

I met up with April (after the conversation). Neither of us mentioned anything about it. I think she tried to move the conversation there but I wouldn't let her. I hate having this tension where there's a subject that at least one of us wants to discuss but can't. Please please please let us not drift away because of my stupidity.

How many times did I imagine how I would tell her and it was never like this. It was only going to happen if I actually met Max and hung out with him on a regular basis. ONLY then.

I guess the only good thing is that I didn't lie. If I did, it would've made things even harder in the future.

But now I'm scared to talk to her about our usual topic of conversation 'cause I know she'll bring him up. She doesn't realise that Max doesn't count as another one of the guys we talk about. He doesn't count at all because he's not really in my life. Only in my thoughts. He's separate from my life. Or I guess I should say 'was'. Now it's all intertwined and I didn't have time to plan how everything should be. I'm not in control of the situation anymore and I hate that.

I guess I should be thankful for all the scenarios I did imagine of telling April. I made big use of the"I didn't tell you 'cause it's not a big deal" one. She didn't buy it though. She said if we make talking to any guy a big deal, then knowing a guy for 5 years definitely is too. I told her I didn't 'know' him because I've never met him. I could feel myself weaving a nice big web for me to be caught in. She kept asking me why I was denying this but all I could do was deny my denial.

While we were having this conversation (on the phone), my grandma came in and said my face looked so red, I should at least change which ear I hold the phone receiver too. I don't think she saw that the other side of my face was just as red.