Among Friends

On Friday night, we went out to celebrate Amelia's graduation. I wish I could've been there, just like she was at mine.

It was us five, plus Evan. Just like the old times. Christine asked me if I could design her fashion range portfolio. I'd love to. She's got an interesting style - goth, funky and cute in one. That would be really fun to illustrate.

April and I couldn't stop laughing imagining scenarios of "citizen's arrest" (i.e. apparenly anyone can make an arrest).

Scenario 1: a citizen arresting another citizen

Citizen 1: you're under arrest
Citizen 2: no, you are under arrest
Citizen 1: you have the right to remain silent
Citizen 2: no, you have the right to remain silent

Scenario 2: a citizen arresting a police officer

Citizen: excuse me, you're under arrest
Police officer: say what?
Citizen: I said you're under arrest.
Police officer: whatever
Citizen: if you don't comply, I will have to take you to the police station.
Police officer: you can't make me
Citizen: get in your car, now!

Amelia filled us in with some juicy gossip about a weird girl from our school who thinks Amelia is her best friend. Apparently she's studying law, going to the army training and is taking pole dancing lessons. A really great combination, in my opinion. She also met her boyfriend when she went on a cruise with her family. He was the drummer on the ship. Unfortunately they're not together anymore as he doesn't want to 'settle down' in one country.

Amelia also told us about her uni friend who got a new boyfriend but who says he's boring and not good-looking. I said, "How could you think your own boyfriend is boring and not good looking?!" and Christine replied, "Well, Evan is boring and not so good-looking". Evan looked a little surprised to say anything.

I'd never say that David is boring or not good-looking. Probably because he's very fun and totally hot. But mainly because we stick together and don't make fun of each other to other people.

I suggested for all of us to go on a holiday together. I'm not sure why since I don't want to go with my uni friends. I think it would just be more fun with my school ones. We laugh a lot more together.

It was a good night though.

Tonight, David came over. That made it an excellent night. I haven't seen him in a week! We stayed in. We put on my Latin CDs and danced in the living room. It was the best fun. I think we looked pretty good too. I feel like I'm really improving. We even did some lifts, like in Dancing with the Stars. They are so much fun to do. I'm glad he's heaps bigger than me in size to be able to do that. Did a lot of spinning too which made me quite dizzy. I exaggerated the swaying from dizziness a bit too much though. He found it funny, me acting like a drunk person who couldn't balance in one spot.

We watched Prison Break. I so love watching it with him because the content is so sad and it's comforting to have his arms around me.

We were talking how great it would be to live on our own. I so can't wait to spend my life with him. We agreed we would have the best fun together because we always find ways to entertain ourselves, even when doing boring things.

One of the things I'm looking forward to when I move out is having dinner parties and having friends over whenever I want to. And of course, not having to travel just to see David.

Tomorrow (well, today) is Mother's Day. My grandparents will come over. I'll have to do some work because I haven't done any today. It's so freaking boring designing packaging for medicine.

On Friday, I was enjoying my work at the temp job so much I had to make myself go, not to be late to meet the others. That never happened before. In fact, I also didn't even want to go to lunch so I could continue working. How crazy is that?!

Anyway, I should go to sleep now. Wish David was here with me. I miss him already. He brought me Argentinian toffees today. They were pretty good for toffees. That was sweet of him. He also said some very sweet things that made me really happy. (Along the lines of how happy I make him and how perfect I am and how he wants to be with me forever.) The way he talks about me makes me sound like someone extraordinary when in fact, he's the wonderful one. He even said that he doesn't appreciate me enough. I mean, how could he say that when he's always so great to me?

I really should go to sleep now.

The Shoe Crush

I never understood how some women have a thing for shoes.

I mean what's so special about footwear? Why doesn't anyone have a thing for jackets or pants?

Anyway, on Thursday night, I got these pair of shoes that I love so much that at work (yesterday) every time I got a glance of them, I thought, "Oooo, nice!"

They were also the cheapest shoes I've ever bought! I thought they were $40 but they turned out to be on sale for $23.

I guess they're cheap because of the quality. But they look absolutely cool. Very cute, remind me of the 1940s, sexy and with a lot of style (from an artistic point of view).

I never loved shoes that much.

Saying Thank You

Today was one of those rare days when something really unexpected happens.

One of the teachers at my work gave me a bouquet of flowers for doing some work for her. I really didn't see that coming. She thanked me for being patient and professional with her. (Well, those are two words I can use to describe myself in future job interviews!)

Everyone in my section was more surprised than me because apparently this lady was "very challenging". I gathered that from how picky and annoying she was about what she wanted. I just realised that being nice to her would be the easiest way to deal with her requests. And amazingly, she noticed!

People next to me said it was amazing that I got through to her like that.

I was just doing my job. Yes, I did more than necessary but I was just sick of her pestering and decided to do something great so she'd leave me alone.

This sort of incident really makes you look at people in a different way.

Every time after she'd leave, everyone would start bitching about her. Fortunately I didn't participate in that, otherwise I'd feel really guilty now.

Another teacher I'm doing some work for offered to do my hair for free (since she's a hairdresser) because she said I was "so wonderful". I declined just because I don't like doing anything with my hair, other than cutting it (which I've done recently). I think she took it the wrong way, in that I didn't trust her abilities.

It made me feel so great being noticed like that. Although I had a momentary worry that other people in my section might not like me standing out like that. I tried to be humble and not look all smug.

It's amazing how much some appreciation can affect my mood, my day and my outlook. It makes me want to do something nice for someone else.

Would You Prefer...

Die tomorrow or live forever?
Live forever

Be blind or deaf?
Deaf

Never have music or never have sex?
Never have sex

Cheat or be cheated on?
Very hard one, being cheated on is just too painful but cheating on someone else is too horrible

Your turn...

More Fun

A 21 year old at my work is engaged. Another one (mid-twenties, I think) is having her 2nd child.

I wish I was engaged and having a child. (But obviously not at the same time.)

I know some people my age who had serious relationships and are now single, who love their independent lives. They love being social and always going out with different friends, meeting new people. Even people in long-term relationships crave to do things without their partners (i.e. my uni friends).

I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I had years of going out with friends and meeting new people. I just want to be in a serious relationship now.

Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my friends. But I always love hanging out with David much much more.

For example, my uni friends are organising a trip interstate. And I'm just not that interested. If I was single, I would've loved to go! Now, I'd rather hang out locally, with David.

I don't know what happened to me but I don't even want to go pretty much anywhere without him. I even wanted to bring him to Claudia's house last Friday and wished Mike was coming just so I could have David there.

I was reading some of my previous posts from months ago and it was weird reading how unsure I was about him. There were so many times when I wanted someone else. How I didn't think he was smart. How I didn't see a future with him. At all.

When did this all change? How is it that I can't even imagine living without him? How he is the major source of happiness for me.

Even when I'm mad at him, I still love him.

Maybe going through all our disagreements made our relationship stronger. His acceptance of me, completely. My acceptance of him.

Maybe because our relationship is not based on just lust. Underneath it all, we are just friends. We love spending time together. Maybe this is all why I prefer to be with him above everyone else.

Simply, he's just more fun.

Too Tired

I had a good opportunity today to ask the Director at my temp job if she made any progress on creating a new position for me. She said said she was collecting data so she could make a good business case to her Director. She asked if it would help if she got me to work 2 days a week. I told her no, but I was happy to work one day. She said there's definitely money in the budget for that.

It'd be great to keep working there on my day off but how much help could I possibly be in one day?

I guess it could just stretch time for her to make me the new position.

I don't know. I just want to work there 5 days a week and nowhere else.

When I got to my part-time job, my manager told me that the image I was supposed to work on wasn't there today so I could have the evening off. She also noticed that I emailed her some work at 1:30am this morning.

In fact, I was so tired yesterday, I couldn't even be bothered to tape Desperate Housewives. I think that's a pretty good indication of my current physical and mental state.

All or Nothing

You know what would just make my day tomorrow?

The director at my temp job telling me I can stay there permanently. So I would never have to go back to my evening job again. I hate it. There are always problems with what I do. Either the design is wrong or it's not in the right format (even if I checked it a hundred times and have no idea how to fix whatever the problem it). It's getting me very frustrated.

Plus, I hate going there after my temp job, then coming home and working some more.

What I'm really worried about is that in the end, I might end up with nothing. The people at the evening job will decide that I'm not doing my job properly and the temp job won't be able to employ me permanently.

Meanwhile, this is really stressing me.

A Story in a Song - Marrying your Love's Sister

You didn’t notice me, only I
Dreamt about you
But then I went out with your sister
But you didn’t know

You are dancing at my wedding
But I kiss your sister
The younger one

How did it happen?
The girl at the wedding, which I
That girl at the wedding, which I
You are the girl which I didn’t get to kiss

I can’t just simply come up to you
And gently give you a hug
You and your sister look so much alike
As if you are my bride

Only the guests are shouting for me to kiss
Only I’m not kissing you
Not you

How did it happen?
The girl at the wedding, which I
That girl at the wedding, which I
You are the girl which I didn’t get to kiss

Not you I’m kissing on the lips
But why am I getting married today?
Not you

How did it happen?
The girl at the wedding, which I
That girl at the wedding, which I
You are the girl which I didn’t get to kiss

I hate this man. How could you marry the sister of the person you love?! It's so cruel to the sister. This idiot married the sister because she looked so much like the woman he loves. And he wants us to feel sorry for him? I don't think so!

Just for the Soul

Last night David and I went to see a POBian dance troupe. It wasn't adverstised very well so the man whom I did work experience ended up helping to get people to come. (Before he started his business, he used to organise POBian artists to come to Australia.) Hence, we got cheap tickets.

Amazingly, David heard of this before I even did. Since he's into dancing, he was very interested in going. I was up for it too.

And let me say, it was GREAT! Like my Mum says, "Arts and culture is good for the soul". My soul was definitely satisfied.

What made this an extra interesting experience was that 99% of people were POBian. It felt like the whole POBian community was there. And I'm very unused to that since I don't really participate in this community. Everyone was talking POBian. And as usual, they were all very dressed up. I forgot how POBians like to dress up for these sorts of things. I was wearing too much denim.

The dance troupe was amazing. They come from a very small POBian town. The costumes were so detailed and beautiful. They even danced some dances from other countries. And there was an absolutely fantastic band. I'm not really a fan of the violin but the way the guy played it put me in a trance. He played some very popular songs. The singer was also wonderful. The whole band were some middle-aged men in black suits, black coats and black hats. They looked a little creepy but their image added to the effect.

David enjoyed the whole thing. I love that he appreciates Arts. Probably more than I do. He was commenting on the technical difficulties of some dance steps and explaining to me how they were doing seemingly impossible moves.

In the break I said hello to the couple for whom I did the website. Knowing them made me feel like a part of the community.

When we got back and were looking through the program (that David found outside), the woman and her daughter next to him tried to get a look at it. So he gave it to them. Then they started speaking to him in POBian. That was funny since just a minute before he was saying how he obviously didn't look POBian. I was surprised too. I answered them in POBian.

Don't know why but sharing the same birth country brings people closer together and people you never met before don't seem like strangers.

Afterwards, when we left the theatre, someone called my name in POBian. I turned around and it was a woman from my Mum's work with her daughter. I've never met her before but my Mum told her which seats we'd be in. So they must've figured out it was me. We talked a bit. Her daughter was very pretty and sweet looking. Maybe she could be good for my brother. He seriously needs to meet a suitable girl. He knows too many wrong ones. But that's another story.
After we said good-bye, David said that it looked like they ran after us. That's kinda funny.

We hung around in the city till about 11:30pm. We ate at McDonalds. We were looking out the window while we were eating. David was quiet so I asked him what he was thinking. He said, "Nothing". Then a minute later he said, "You know what I was thinking?" so I asked him, "What?" and he said, "I was looking out the window and seeing all these groups of guys hanging out, going to pick up chicks and I thought if I'd regret not doing that".

I said, "You wanna go pick up chicks?" and he said, "That's the thing, I don't. This is so much better." Then he touched my cheek and kept smiling at me with that smile (that I can't describe but makes me feel really loved). Then he kissed me. Right there in McDonalds. I said, "Kissing in McDonalds... interesting" and he said, "It's a must thing to do". I told him if he ever wanted, he could pick me up. I wouldn't reject him. So then he was going to literally (physically) pick me up!

We walked around some really beautiful places that I've never seen before. I've lived in this city for over 10 years and I'm still discovering new places where the views are just overwhelming. I've been to many cities and I've never seen a more beautiful one.

We saw an Indian wedding. In a really posh restaurant. David said seeing weddings was good luck. I wonder if we are going to have double the luck because we saw another one that night.

As we were walking back to the car, he asked me where I'd want to go for my honeymoon. I told him somewhere cosy with great views, not a beach area. Maybe New Zealand? I asked him and he said he didn't give it any thought but he'd like to go somewhere where he can see water and sunsets. Sounds great to me!

I wonder if he was asking me that in a curious way that April would ask me or he was asking with the future in mind. If he's asking me these things, does that mean he wants to go with me?

We also talked about how he wants his kids to go to experience living in another country for a year. He said he'd want them to go to either POB or South America to learn one of our languages. I told him I don't want them going to either of those counties because they are not safe. I also told him not to put all his wishes for his life onto his kids.

Then he said what car is good for a family and how you'd need room for the baby seat. I was shocked. Even I never thought about that! And I think of everything!

Is this all just talk or is he seriously thinking about our future together?! I mean, we did already calculate how much money we need to live together but he's so stubborn about not moving out until he finishes uni that there doesn't seem to be any point organising finances now.

If I get to stay at my temp job with a good salary, I will try to convince him to move out sooner. I don't mind supporting both of us on my salary for a year, while he's still at uni.

Now that I'm certain I want to be with him, I just want to start that sooner. I want to be with him every day. Ever since I've been working, I started to become ready to move out. I'm 22 now and an adult. I just feel ready now.

Just really need to stabilise the job situation.

If I end up with the bad job, I guess I will have to wait longer, after all. Won't be able to afford to support both of us on that salary.

Anyway, I get excited even just thinking about us living together. Doing the every day things together.

Today, Talia's Mum called. Since my Mum wasn't home, I spoke to her for a bit. After I told her about my jobs, she asked, "So how are things in other areas" so I said, "Fine..." And she asked, "Do you have a boyfriend now?"

If I was single, I would be seriously upset at her. But since I do, it wasn't a big deal. She asked me a bit about him and told me about Talia and her friend and her boyfriend. She said we haven't all gotten together for a very long time and we should so we could catch up. I guess, that would be nice...

Talia and I get along but we never make an effort to meet. I wouldn't mind meeting her boyfriend. He doesn't sound as smart as her but that's too difficult. She'd bordering on genius. She's studying to be a doctor. It'd be too hard to find someone on that intellectual level.

It makes me happy I'm not that smart because then I'd really never meet anyone I'd want to go out with. Since I'd hate to go out with a guy dumber than me.

Speaking of intelligence, David's English has seriously improved. I read his uni report and it was professional. He used words even I didn't know! It makes me proud. I also taught him how to speak clearer so his accent doesn't get in the way of people understanding him. So now he talks very clearly with a sexy Spanish accent. I told him it's not about having an accent, it's about not having a lazy tongue.

I think David and I are on the same intellect level. Some things I know more, other things he does. It works out perfectly. I don't get bored with him, like I did with lots of other people.

Not Normal

You were given to me by my friend loneliness
So I would never leave her
You are the sun, but only always in the clouds
You are the sky, but covered with darkness

You were given to me by the autumn night
So I would never argue with the sky
You are the tears that make it seem like the rain
You are happiness that looks too much like sadness

It’s impossible to understand you
It’s unrealistic to forget you
It’s too difficult to love you
You are just so not normal

You were promised to me long ago by the silence
Because we are well acquainted with her
You are the song that I never hear
Too sad, I would’ve sung it I over and over

You were predicted to me by the old lady, fate
How did I wrong her, made her upset?
You were given to me by the autumn night
So I would never see the light again

It’s impossible to understand you
It’s unrealistic to forget you
It’s too difficult to love you
You are just so not normal

Another POBian song. I think I'm getting better at translating.

Anyway, this song made me think about this woman's life. She was lonely for a very long time and finally she met someone. He sounds like he had charm or was mysterious, which dragged her in. She fell in love.

She has him now, but she's still lonely. He was supposed to bring light into her life but it's still dark. He was supposed to make her happy, but she's sad. He was supposed to be the song to break her silent life, but there's there's still no sound.

He is a complicated person. He made a big impression on her and she can't let him go. He doesn't give her the love that she wants but she can't leave him. You know she'll be waiting for him to change and be everything she wants him to be and you know it's never going to happen.

She might live her whole life with him, unhappy.

Such a sad song. Yet it probably reflects the lives of many women.

Girls' Night In

Went to Claudia's house tonight. April was there too. We:
- watched Dirty Dancing
- had pasta for dinner
- made ice cream sandwiches with chocolate biscuits
- tried to learn the Dirty Dancing moves very unsuccessfully but it made us laugh a lot
- played with Claud's cuddly dog
- discussed how April can't see Patrick Swayze as attractive at all, no matter how hard she tries

It was nice and relaxing.

Overloaded

I'm mad. I'm stressed.

I'm mad that the dance class I was supposed to start next week and that I was really looking forward to has been cancelled. Due to lack of people. They sent me a letter notifying me of this and suggesting to transfer to another class. Coincidentally enough, the only other convenient class for me is already full.

I can only go on Monday (since my brother needs the car for tutoring on all other days, except for Friday). And on Friday they have a really bad class. It's so not fair.

I'm stressed because the job I do in the evenings decided to completely overload me. I got the manager's email for tons of job requests. All due tomorrow. So as soon as I got home (about 5pm) I did them for over three hours. And I haven't even started on the ad that I have to do for tomorrow that she asked me to do yesterday. I thought that would be the only thing I'd have to do today. But no, why stop there and let me have at least half the evening to myself?

You might be wondering why I'm blogging when I have so much work to do. I'm wondering the same thing.

Just a need a break desperately. Sure, it would be more effective to take a break away from the computer. But I just have to whinge about this.

Eve (the person whose position I'm currently doing at my day job) told me that the Director got her office assistant to find all the numbers of how much they pay external designers. I was so happy to hear that because that means that she's doing something about me staying. I just wish she'd hurry up so I could work at only one job. Two is getting too much. Especially that at my evening job, they expect me to do a whole day's work at night.

It's stressing me out.

Last night David came over. He made my whole day. Just seeing him relaxed me.

I guess I have to remind myself that nothing matters. Those jobs are not worth worrying about. Just no point. I have David and that's the most important thing. I have the most wonderful person.

He said something last night that made me feel just so good. It made me think that he can't be without me. There are so many things he says that I can't share because they are so personal but they just make me the happiest.

I told him I couldn't stop thinking about our 'argument' and he said neither could he. He said he hated when we hang up not resolving an issue. (In this case who's going to organise our winter trip. I told him he can do this one since I organised the last two and he said he was busy. So I said I was too. He said he didn't want to go anyway. I said fine, we won't. The next day he emailed me with a suitable place where we could stay and said that he changed his mind and to let him know if I was coming.)

Just thinking about David reduces my stress.

***

David: I want to teach when I get old. Share my knowledge with young people. That's my dream.

Later...
me: I want to have a family early. That's my fairytale dream.
David: and it will come true

How To Make Your Girlfriend Love You

- let her have her way (if it's not too crazy)
- apologise (even if it's not your fault)
- when arguing, tell her you love her (which will distract her from her annoyance)
- if she disagrees with you, give her a hug and tell her you respect her opinion
- make her laugh, all the time, till she can't stop
- don't buy her off. You can't. There's not enough money.
- recall things she told you. It shows that you were listening.
- put in extra effort. Whether it's putting thought into a present or driving to her house three times in a row
- be her friend
- get along with her family
- point out her best points (e.g. "You are the funniest", "You are so clever") and tell her she's the most beautiful/hottest/amazing girl in the world (and you must truly believe this).

You might think, this is too female biased. But what you might not realise is if you do all that, your rewards will supersede all the difficulties in putting your pride aside. Your girlfriend will do absolutely anything for you. Most girls notice and appreciate when their boyfriends treat them like they're the centre of the universe. And in turn they will treat them the same way.

Quote

"Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who thinks you are the prettiest when you have no make up on. Wait for the guy who would do anything just to spend time with you, and who truly believes he is the Lucky one!"

Silly quotes like that make me feel so lucky to have David because he does all those things, and more.

Spoke to April today which haven't done in way too long. We've been communicating lately in page long emails. We were saying how it's not about how many guys you know, it's about knowing just the one.

Maybe I was just lucky to skip all the wrong guys and go straight to the right one. Sometimes I just don't realise that even the right guy is not perfect.

I can't even explain it but it's an amazing feeling to love a person, knowing their faults. Even when we argue and disagree, there's still this underlying yearning. Like no matter what there's on the surface (difference of opinions, frustration at insignificant things etc), there's always love at the base. No matter how annoyed or mad I can be at David, underneath, I just want to be with him.

Sometimes it's scares me how much I depend on him. Take him away and I would feel like a part of me is gone. I guess that's how I felt before him. He already had a part of me and when I met him, he gave it to me.

Yeah, the practical part of me tells me that no one should 'complete' you. But it's impossible to control emotions. They just happen. I can't help the way I feel. I don't think anyone can.

A Lesson in a Song: Don't be Late

I was late by two minutes
But you are standing with the others
As though it is possible for us, as though
In two minutes to become strangers

I was late by just two minutes
By two minutes, as usual
Unless, explain to me, unless
Now to you, I am indifferent

Unless it's not a pity to you
This bouquet of lilacs
For you all parks
In summer blossom, believe me

Just believe me
Only believe me
Believe me

I was late, I was guilty
Forgive me, I won't do that again
But unless it's possible for us, unless
To become strangers in two minutes

I was late only a little bit
Not that, like last time, you know
I love you impossibly
But you left and don't know this.

I love these POBian lyrics. I tried to translate them as close to the original meaning as possible.

It makes me think. This guy who's singing the song was late by a little bit but it happened so often, his girlfriend couldn't wait for him anymore. Even though it's this guy's fault, I can't help but feel sorry for him. I mean, he loved her 'impossibly'. Who wouldn't want to be loved that much?

Yet he took her for granted and his actions didn't reflect his feelings. He thought his bouquets of lilacs for her showed his love for her but they didn't. It wasn't enough.

And now it was too late. She left and will never know what she meant to him.

The Sweet Life

My Mum and Andy brought back SO much chocolate from POB! We could probably start a little store.

I love it though. POBian chocolate is very different to Australian one. It's darker and has more of the cocoa taste, rather than milk and sugar. It's heavenly.

I gave some to David to try. I didn't think he'd like it since he prefers milk chocolate but he loved it! He said it wasn't really dark chocolate. It was just enough. I love it when he likes POBian things. It makes me feel closer to him.

We went to dinner with my relatives yesterday to celebrate my Mum's birthday. I was a little annoyed at them, especially my Uncle (sitting next to us), who could speak perfect English, yet he talked only in POBian, totally leaving David out of the conversation. I thought that was quite rude of him.

Afterwards, we went for a walk down the beach. The waves were so high, they kept splashing onto the elevated sidewalk. One wave almost hit me.

After our walk, we went to my house and caught up on Prison Break. I love watching it with David. Although I don't think he likes me asking him questions about the show that he has no way of knowing (e.g. "Why is he doing that?!")

At about midnight, he all of a sudden wanted to go for a walk. That was unexpected but fun. Good thing I live in a quiet suburb so it's no problem going for a walk down the street at that time. As we were walking, he looked up at the sky and it was so clear, stars were everywhere. He kept looking at them in wonder, saying what a beautiful night it was. His face was full of joy, like a kid's. It really stirred me seeing him appreciate nature. How many people stop to enjoy a night sky?

Then as we were crossing the road to the other side, he tried to dance with me. I was getting nervous some car would drive by but he was like, "Haven't you ever danced in the street?" It was weird because it was dark and completely empty. Like there was no one else in the world but us. It's moments like these that would probably stay in my mind forever.

When we got home, we sat for a while in my backyard. He showed me the Southern cross and we both tried to find Orion. We talked about Einstein's theory, the Big Bang and just the universe. He said it would be great if there was a genius who could come up with a solution to humanitarian causes, like poverty.

I just love talking with him. Sometimes he seems just like your average guy but deep down he knows a lot. History, Geography, Science. I always enjoy having conversations with him about those things. Even though it was really nice to talk to him about intellectual things, I know he's always great for some gossip too.

The longer we're together, the more I fall for him. It's unbelievable how much I feel for him. I'm just so grateful that after so much pain of being single for so long and always dreaming of the guy that I would have, he's finally here. He's real. He exists. And he's with me.

I want it to be like that forever.

Workaholic

I haven't written in all of three days! That hasn't happened for a while.

The reason for my lack of daily updates was: my eyes were too tired to even look at a computer screen. Was quite stressed with my second job where they gave me daily deadlines to finish work. So every night after I came home, I had to do more work. I usually collapsed in bed straight afterwards.

Last couple of weeks I worked over 60 hours a week. (That would make it 8 days a week.) David started calling me his "workaholic girlfriend".

I still managed to go to David's house on Wednesday night and also catch up with my Mum and Andy in the last two days since they got back. So as you can see, there wasn't much time to write here. And even when I could've fitted it in, the tiredness just overwhelmed me.

Anyway, Saturday morning makes me a feel a lot better since the daily deadlines that I had to work towards were extended till Monday. So here I am, with all the work already done. (Only a couple of minor changes to make.)

Had a mini-breakthrough with my favourite job yesterday.

I spoke with the woman who's going back into my position and she said she would love it if I stayed after my contract, doing the graphic design work. She even said she wouldn't mind doing something else if I wanted to do the design part of her role. It felt so good to hear her say that she liked having me there.

Then I talked with the Director and told her my idea of doing all the design work internally, rather than outsourcing from different agencies and freelancers. She said she thought it was a great idea. She also said that she was very happy with the work I've done and would try to find a way for me stay by hopefully creating a new position. It all depends on the budget.

Then, the first woman told me that she also spoke to the Director to tell her it would be great for me to stay and that the Director told her she completely supported having this new position.

So fingers (double and triple) crossed , I can stay at my temp job after all.

Must try not to get my hopes up though, just in case it doesn't work out. However, as we all know, someone giving me even a glimmer of hope is enough for my mind to get carried away.

How I want this...

Back Soon

My Mummy and Andy are coming back in two days from POB! I can't wait. The house has been pretty quiet with just Dad and me.

I'm excited to hear all the gossip about my relatives. Andy told me on the phone that they talk a lot about me and David. Can't say I'm too surprised but I want to know every detail of what they're saying.

Mum said my grandparents are not too well. That worries me. I don't want anything happening to them for at least another 20 years. I mean, they're only in their 60s. I guess, over there that age is older than it is here.

And I want them to be at my wedding. A little early for that, I know. But I really want them to be there.

On the weekend, we're going to celebrate my Mum's birthday. She turned 45. It's weird to think of my parents as 'middle-aged' now. I mean, they are young to me! I see my Mum going to work in her suits and stuff and I think of her as a 30-something. That's how I will always see her, I think.

Anyway, this will be the first time David will come to a big family gathering. All my relatives will be there. I don't know why but I'm nervous. I don't want them thinking we are very serious. I just don't want them making a big deal about it. This would be the first time they see me officially with a guy. I'm not sure if they know if I had any other boyfriends, but they definitely know I never had anyone serious long-term. This is why they'll be interested in him.

I guess it'll be easier after the first meeting. It's the first meeting that always makes me nervous.

It should be interesting, nevertheless.

My Dad really misses my Mum. Every time he's on the phone with her, he's got the biggest grin. It's so cute. I want to feel like that about my husband after over 20 years of marriage.

Can't wait till my brother gets a serious girlfriend so we could all feel like grown-ups. It's fun imagining us all meeting for dinner with our respective families.

I almost finished my work for tomorrow so I'm happy that I will have some time to read my books. I missed them.

End of Procrastination

I'm not bad anymore. I managed to finish the work I was supposed to do on the weekend. Of course, I could've done it all yesterday and finished whatever I have left today, giving me a nice break till Wednesday. Oh well, at least I don't feel too guilty anymore.

Emptyness

I don't know if this happens because I put so much value into my time with David but every time he leaves or we hang up the phone, I just feel totally empty. Even if we spend heaps of time together and I want to do something by myself (eg. blog/read/do work), I still feel like something has been taken out inside me.

I don't think this is normal. But then again, when have I ever felt 'normal'?

We have this thing that we prank each other's phones after we get home to let the other person know we're ok. Today, when he called, he wouldn't hang up so I picked up the phone. He said he got home ok. I said great and we hung up. Then I felt weird. I wondered why he called. Did he want to talk to me? Did I just cut him off?

When I went online (while I was doing work), he came online straight away. It's weird chatting to him online because for that moment it doesn't feel like we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It feels like we are just friends. We chat about the every day things. He said he was finishing his essay but would call me afterwards.

As soon as he signed off, that empty feeling came on again. I really have no idea why. I mean I knew I would speak to him soon but I couldn't help feeling... empty.

He called me in about an hour. We had a really nice friendly conversation. I was doing work at the same time so talking to him made me less bored.

When we finished, I felt weird again. It's driving me crazy. Why do I get like this?! Is it some internal psychological emotional dependency/affection/addiction/connection problem or am I just so into him, I want to spend every second together?

The Other Side of David

I'm very bad.

I didn't do all the work I was supposed to yesterday. And today, I still haven't started to do anything. I will regret it. I know it.

Last night was great and not so great. I've discovered something new about David. When he's sick, he's going to be in a cranky mood so it's no use taking anything he says to heart.

We went to his step-dad's dinner. David drove to my house so we could catch the train together. He was pretty sick with a very hoarse voice.

I was annoyed that he came late because he specifically told me to be on time so we wouldn't miss the train. As soon as I got in the car, he was already grumpy. I asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn't feeling well and he couldn't find his car radio which was why he was late. He was like, "It wasn't my fault!" Well, it must've been the radio's fault then for being under the car seat!

When we got to the station, he ran to get the ticket but he took long enough for us to miss our train. As he came on the platform, he asked if I had 40 cents because he didn't have enough cash for the ticket. That annoyed me because he never carries cash with him which I find pretty stupid. I told him he should have some with him at all times and he said, "Why should I?!" I didn't add, "For situations like these".

In the train, we didn't talk for 15 minutes. I was thinking and thinking how he shouldn't be mad at me. I didn't do anything. Then I thought, who cares who's fault it is, I'll try to make up. As soon as I got his attention, he completely dissolved and hugged me. Don't think he likes being frustrated with each other either.

So we were fine until we got the restaurant where we were supposed to meet his family and Rita's family.

We waited for 30 minutes. He was very agitated so I tried to distract him by having a conversation. But he wasn't even paying attention. Kept constantly looking out the window and at the door. I told him not to worry. Not like he was by himself. He said how annoyed he was that they weren't on time because he was really hungry and getting a headache. They were the ones late and he was taking it out on me. I didn't like that.

I stopped talking because I was tired of being friendly when he didn't care.

When everyone finally arrived, Sophie (Rita's 5 year old daughter) wouldn't leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, I love that kid but I wanted to have a conversation with the adults.

Her Dad is sooo below my level. He kept talking about guys who he thought were gay because they were too soft or too nice or not manly enough. He kept saying 'fags' which really annoyed me. Then he even said, "I'm as manly as they come. There is no softness here anywhere." That made me only feel sorry for him because he was so insecure about his sexuality. He also said how drunk everyone got last weekend ("lying around like whales") and we should've stayed longer. I was happy we didn't. (And there was no need to offend whales.)

I can't stand people like him.

On the way back, David was still cranky so I decided to make conversation but whatever I said he would just reply with an opposite remark. When we got on the train, David sat on a different seat to where I was about to sit. So I proceeded to sit on the seat I first planned on while he sat a few seats away. I was furious that he didn't want to sit with me.

I kept overexaggerating my angry face expression in the hope that he would see how upset I was. He didn't because he was asleep.

The train decided to terminate a few stations before ours. We got out and stood far enough for others to think we were strangers. While we were waiting, some guy next to me said, "Don't worry, it's warm on the train. You look cold". Even a freaking stranger noticed how freezing I was. While my boyfriend didn't even notice the guy saying anything to me.

On the next train, David sat on a seat behind me. Ok, so if on the previous train it could've looked like I was sitting away from him, on this one he sat away intentionally.

When we finally got to our station and got into his car, it wouldn't start. It was definitely because of the cold. So we called roadside assistance.

We sat in the car in silence but then started talking. He said he wanted to resolve the problem. I asked him why he didn't sit with me. He said it looked like I didn't want to sit with him. Then we talked some more. We argued, we got upset, we discussed, we made up. He said he wasn't usually like this and it was only because he was feeling sick. I said I knew now to leave him alone when he wasn't feeling well. He said he'd still like my company.

David said he was glad the car broke down so we could have that talk. I thought that was something that typically happened in romantic comedies. (Girl and boy fight. Girl and boy are stuck together in circumstances beyong their control forcing them to make up.)

When we got home, we didn't go to sleep until 4am. Woke up pretty late today. Hence, a whole weekend almost gone without me finishing any work.

Engaged

The main elderly character in the play that we saw last week, said that she felt like she lived her life as a passenger in a train. Just watching everything go by without taking any part in it.

David said he used to feel like that. That was hard to believe considering he lived a pretty full life. I knew how he felt though. There were many times when I didn't feel like I was participating in life. Like I was at a distance from everything else - close but not actually there.

The last few weeks, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was intertwined with every aspect of life.

Every time I drive home after work, I just feel really full. I love watching the bridge curve under me, with light giving everything a mystical glow, creating different moods. Either the warm sun reflecting on the landscape or the cool breeze making the air crisp. The beauty around me just overwhelms me. It's absorbed into every fibre of my soul.

It's the busyness that's causing me to be so in tune with the world and everything in it.

For the first time, I'm completely engaged. With life.

A Blog Break

Phew! Finally I get a break just to blog.

I only have about 15 minutes before I have to get ready to go salsa tonight with David.

I'm still a little amazed at myself that I'm fitting in two busy jobs, going out, exercising and maintaining the household (while my Mum is away). And with minimal whinging.

I only cut down on TV.

Last night David came over but we had to postpone the "Prison Break"date to another time because my eyes needed a break. We went for a walk/run which was so great!

I gave him a piano lesson. That was fun. He's so patient. I would've been bored playing the same few notes of a song after two goes. However, he wanted to practise it until it was perfect. He said he wanted to buy his step-sister's old piano. Then he realised he doesn't have any space for it.

We also practised some salsa moves because I don't want to look embarrassing tonight. I thought I would've forgotten it but we did it pretty smoothly, even the hard parts.

After he left, I did some more work, while chatting to people from uni. That was nice. I haven't been going out with them for a while. Might see them this weekend.

Today, I had so much work to do, I should've stayed back, but I had to go to my other job. Fortunately, they don't expect me there until next Wednesday which gives me plenty of time to complete the given tasks.

I'm a little stressed whether my manager will be annoyed with me that I didn't finish all the work before I left.

Anyway, no point worrying about it now. Will go and enjoy myself tonight.

Two Jobs - One Big Problem

I'm just so tired.

I almost hate my part-time job. Every time I go to that office to work, my head is just in complete chaos. It's impossible to find files. I can't do half the things I can on a PC. The manager always picks at the tiniest things with the most cheerful tone (which is starting to irk me).

All I want is just to stay at my day job. Sure I have tons of work there but everything's so organised, I always feel on top of things.

I'm dreading that I would have to quit the contract before it ends so I can keep the stupid part-time job. The manager already bugged me today about whether I know when it will end. I told her the other manager is on holidays for another 2 weeks so I couldn't ask.

I don't know how long I can keep lying about it to stretch time.

All I want is for the contract job to be a permanent one.

I have a feeling it won't happen. This is what makes me upset.

***

David just called from work. I feel better already.

Hopelessly Crazy

I haven't written this in a while but I miss David.

Yes, I've seen him every day since Thursday and yes, I've even talked with him today.

Yet something inside me yearns for him. I wish he was here right now.

I want to talk to him more about the future because that always gets me excited. I just want to talk to him, full stop.

It's weird but even when I get annoyed at him, I still want to be with him. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was mad at him and what do I do? I call him.

Is that weird?

I'll see him on Wednesday for our new regular "Prison Break" 'date'. He said he will come earlier so we could go for a walk. I know I desperately need it.

I enrolled in a dance class. Not a partner one. I realised I don't really want to dance with creepy old men because in reality, most men who go to dance classes are there to pick up. That's a fact. The one I'll be going to sounds fun. It's a mixture of latin, funk and hip hop moves. Can't wait!

The Mysteries of the Male Mind

On Saturday night, when we went to see the play, I decided to dress nicely. I wore my grey denim skirt with brown threading, my brown suede boots and a nice brown wrap-around top with a lacy border over a light purple patterned thin top. Plus some nice silver and black accessories. Fortunately I was also having a good hair day so my hair looked soft and fluffy. When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked totally cool and would definitely impress David.

All night he didn't make one comment. No "Oh, you look nice!" or "You're pretty today!" Nothing.

Pathetically, I fished for a compliment by telling him he looked great (which he did). Surely he was going to reciprocate. Nope. I even asked him directly if he liked my boots. All he said was, "Yeah, they're nice". I gave up. If he wasn't going to see how cool we looked, it was his problem.

Then, on Sunday night, when I came to his house to go to Rita's, I was dressed in my usual jeans, a green singlet and a plain sporty brown zipped up jacket (the one people usually go for a run in). No funky accessories and my hair tied in a ponytail.

As soon as he saw me he exclaimed, "Hey, you look great!"

Unbelievable.

The Big Kids

Last night David and I went to his step-sister's house for a BBQ dinner.

When we got there, we saw that everyone was in their 30s so we didn't feel like we fit in with the crowd. We sort of stayed inside entertaining each other.

His step-sister, Rita, tried to get us to join in with the others but it was a bit hard 'cause the men were pretty loud and talked about their own thing.

As usual, we ended up playing with the kids. Rita called us "the big kids".

Apart from the two daughters, there was another girl who couldn't walk properly. She had a special frame to help her. David told me her mother was only a couple of years older than him and was single. Like the mother, the child was beautiful. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a disabled kid on my own. The woman was very quiet and looked tired.

What really touched my heart was that this girl didn't act like she was different at all. She was running around with her frame faster than all the other kids. At one point when Rita's girl finished bouncing on one of the cushiony kids' chairs, this other girl said to me, "Can you help me get to that chair because I can't walk". She said it so matter-of-factly, like it was nothing unusual and not something I would notice.

Sophie (Rita's 5 year old daughter) didn't treat the other girl any differently. That and lots of other things showed how mature she was for her age. When the adults talked about her when she was right there, I could see her watching them and listening to every word. I think parents forget that most five year olds are completely conscious of their surroundings and understand more that the adults think.

She showed me her room and 80% of her things were pink. I asked her, "Do you like pink?" and she replied, "No! I hate pink but my Mum buys it anyway". Reminded me when I was young and my Mum would buy me clothes I didn't like.

Rita, herself, is a housewife. I could tell she loved it. David always said to me how he didn't understand why she wouldn't go back to work, now that her kids are not babies. He thinks the kids will depend on her too much. I wouldn't do it but I could see how much she enjoyed the stay-at-home life. She told us about all the school committees she joined and how she designed their house. She also seemed to like hosting dinner parties.

When she found out I could play piano (thanks to David), she got excited that she found a piano teacher for her kids. I didn't say that I wouldn't do it because I'm so busy. Although I'd like to.

It was such a different experience to go to Rita's house. I felt like my Auntie when my Mum invited her for dinner. The age gap is large but didn't separate us.

Afterwards, we went to the movies with Ryan. Couldn't believe he got us chocolate. We didn't get him anything. It's amazing how when I'm there he's really sweet and friendly but I know (from what David tells me) how he's different when there are no girls.

He got a new girlfriend and it's funny that he doesn't know that David's personal advice to him about his relationship is actually mine. (David always asks me what he should tell Ryan about his problems.) It seems to work because he's happy.

David and I are still waiting to meet this girl.

On the way back we had an argument because I got really upset at something he said at the party. He said he was joking. I told him it wasn't funny in the slightest. He apologised and said he didn't mean to upset me. I knew it wasn't intentional but it still hurt. I said I forgave him but inside I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Got home and called him. I told him him I couldn't get what he said out of my head, even though I knew he didn't mean it. He apologised again and told me he wouldn't do it again and he felt horrible about it.

Don't know why but just telling him how badly I felt really helped and made me get over it.

Today as I was emailing the work that I've done to the company, David was online so we chatted for like two seconds before he called my phone.

He told me he talked to Miguel online (since he's living in South America now) and he said he was coming back before David got married. Apparently Miguel is planning on returning next year.

First of all, if David gets married, I don't want that guy at the wedding. I can't stand him. He would ruin the 'perfect' day. I don't know why David is so attached to him. He says it's because he helped him before. Personally, I don't think this 'help' was really important.

Then we started talking about how some people get into marriage without really knowing the other person. I don't remember how but we got talking about who would do what when we live together. I said I don't mind doing all the cooking if only I don't have to clean the toilet. He said he doesn't mind doing the cleaning. Couldn't believe how easy it was to convince him to clean the bathrooms, vacuum and mow the lawn (if we have a house).

After we hung up, I realised that if I do marry David, it really wouldn't matter if Miguel came to the wedding. It's such a small price to pay for getting something amazing.

My Cool Parents

I realised that my parents are pretty cool. For parents.

I read and hear stories of other people's parents and it makes me happy about mine.

First of all, my parents never compared me with my brother, or anyone else for that matter. They never said, "You know this girl is getting higher marks, why aren't you?" They always focused on our talents and interests. For example, my Mum encouraged me to take Art lessons because she thought I need to 'nurture' my abilities. She even bought me an easel for no particular occasion. With my brother, my parents encouraged his sport.

Now, even though they're interested in our lives, they never bother me about coming home late. They let David stay over. I mean my Dad even asks me why he doesn't sometimes!

Even with my Mum's wishes for me to have a particular guy, she's accepted David completely because he makes me happy.

My Dad, who rarely let me have friends over, invites David to stay for dinner himself.

Of course I can list all the things that they bug me about but that would ruin the point of this post, and that is: my parents are great.

The Older Generation

Last night, April, David and I went to see a play. We were surprised to discover that the average age of the audience was about 55-60. It was funny to see how the older people laughed at some jokes like they could really relate.

There was this one moment where one of the characters who lied about her age (she said she was 68 instead of 72), explained, "When you get to how old I am, you don't say your age or your face might hear you," and the whole audience just cracked up! They couldn't stop. So I started laughing at that. There were lots more moments like that. I tried to watch the story from an old person's point of view because that made it funnier.

April and I tried to pretend to be sophisticated and mature to fit in more but our constant giggling didn't help to create the desired impression. In the interval, most people were drinking coffee and April commented how odd it was that in a lot of functions where there are old people, they always drink coffee. David said, "It's past their bed time. They need to stay awake". God, I hope no one heard him.

I reminded April that when we get old we are going to be cool and drink Coke.

It was a good experience though. Culturally and artistically stimulating. David enjoyed himself too which made me happy because he's never been to a proper play before.

It was nice to catch up with April too. Although there was this weird moment when we didn't have anything to say to each other. I was glad David started asking questions. He's very good at making conversation.

We got home pretty early. I wouldn't have mided staying out later but it was a bit weird because David thought April expected us to catch the train back with her. And we couldn't exactly discuss going out plans when she was right there.

It was a nice night though.

Happy Easter

Someone please make me do work.

Gosh, I'm sounding like a procrastinating uni student again.

Even though I got home at 1am last night, I woke up before 7am. Just not tired anymore. I keep telling myself that if I finish the work today, I'd have two days without any worries.

Maybe I should tell myself I'll be getting paid for spending time doing that work. I have to do a stupid coupon booklet of the company's products. How boring.

Last night was wonderful. I went over to David's house where his two step-sisters came with their families. His step-dad made the most delicious food. I've never been a seafood/fish person until I tasted his cooking. Now I'm craving prawns and baby octopuses and fish, mixed with rice. Mmm...

I made a cake for them but I was so disappointed it didn't turn out well. It looked pretty good so I think most people just noticed that. Besides, since they've never tasted it before, they might've thought it was supposed to be a little mushy. That's what I hope anyway.

I felt bad that I didn't bring any Easter presents. I only had some chocolate eggs for the kids. David was so thoughtful. He remembered that I said I'm not really into chocolate bunnies so he got me a toy one and some chocolate eggs "because I know you like chocolate". Can't say I'm really into toy bunnies either but it's the thoughtful gesture that means the most. I mean, he remembered such a small detail that I only mentioned in passing!

I'm glad only a couple of days ago, I got him a huge bag of jelly beans (since the other one I got him was stolen). That lessened the guilt.

David and I were the youngest couple there. The oldest step-sister is 37 with two young kids and the youngest one is close to 30. Her boyfriend/partner's name is David too. I felt a little left out. But so did David's Mum. She was pretty quiet the whole time. David and I played with the kids. It reminded me of when my cousins and I were children and my young auntie and uncle would stay with us, rather than the adults.

David was great with the kids. The little two year old was all over him. She kept poking him, pulling him, just about everything. It was so cute to watch. I think, for most girlfriends, it's nice to see their boyfriends get along with kids.

While I was talking to the older girl, David's Mum said that I should be a teacher. She said the same thing last Christmas. I never mentioned to her that I was planning on doing it. She used to be a teacher in South America but because of her English, she can't be one here.

The oldest step-sister invited us to her house on Sunday. It's going to be a little weird because everyone will be in their 30s. I guess, as long as I have David, it's going to be fun. It's weird that she sees us as an adult couple. Or maybe I'm just not used to it.

I'm starting to feel really grown-up being invited to adult parties as a couple.

On Thursday night, David and I went out with Christine, Evan, Mike and Claudia. That was great. Couples our age. (Well, except Evan but he doesn't count as a 30 year old.) Amelia was supposed to come too but she got called to work. It was a different experience to be part of such a couple group. Christine acted a bit funny because she kept either grabbing David on the arm or dragging him and just plain staring. She didn't do that to Mike. I wonder if she thought he was hot. I mean, I did but does that mean others find him attractive? She always comments how 'hot' some guys are, even though she has a boyfriend. I could imagine her gossiping to Amelia or Claudia about him. I don't mind or anything. Just find it a little funny.

First, we went for drinks (I only had orange juice because last time I had alcohol on an empty stomach didn't turn out too well). Then we had a yummy Thai dinner. Afterwards every couple went their own way.

I remember in high school, Christine was the only one with a boyfriend and we got annoyed how she brought Evan everywhere with us, especially that he was 8 years older and felt like an adult chaperone. Then Claudia got Mike who's very easy to get along with and our group had a little divide between the couples and the singles. Now there's an addition of David. The scales tipped towards the couple side. Only April is left. (Amelia is not interested in getting a boyfriend, she only wants to flirt and tease.)

I harbour hopes that this year April will meet the guy who she'd like and who'd be brave enough to make a move.

Imagining our whole group being couples is kinda fun. Mainly I can't wait for April's first experience in relationships. I want to know how it will be for her. Plus, I think it'll bring us closer again. Inevitably, we drifted apart a bit.

We used to speak every few days before but now I haven't had a proper conversation with her since my birthday. I miss her.

I'm seeing her tonight because we're going to see a musical. Can't wait. David's coming too.

I like having something fun to do every night, especially on the long weekend. My poor Dad is going to be alone (since my Mum and Andy are in POB now). David's Mum gave me heaps of left-over dessert to give to him. That was really sweet of her.

On that note, I should end this post and get my work done.

This Day Last Year

Today is my Mum's birthday.

It is also a year since the day that turned my life to a different path. The path I wanted to be on for way too long. Of course I didn't know any of that then.

That day, I was just happy to leave my job early to go to uni and receive my certificate (for apparent good work). It felt wonderful just to be in the uni environment again, after being stuck in some tiny room, in a warehouse, that was supposed to represent an 'office'.

I even remember feeling content as I walked through the uni gates, thinking that even though there was no way I'd meet a guy that night, I was still happy to be there. The weather was great too. Just the perfect autumn night. (And I'm not romanticising it, if you must know.)

My friends and I didn't want to wait till the end of the award ceremony, so after we got our certificates, a couple of us snuck out. However, Sally wasn't with us. So Sophia, Lauren and I tried to call her mobile but she wouldn't pick up. We were standing at the back of the hall, waiting for her to sneak out too but she just stayed in her seat.

Then we decided to just go if she wasn't brave enough to get up in the middle of the ceremony. We didn't want to wait for another two hours.

Sophia offered me a lift to the station but unlike a normal person who would be happy to have someone save them a bus trip, I refused. I was still obsessed with the chance that I might see BG again. Yes, a year after the incident, I still had tiny hopes of meeting 'the stranger of my dreams'. I knew the chance of me seeing him again was miniscule but going to that bus stop held a greater chance than not going at all.

Not surprisingly, the bus stop was empty. I checked the bus timetable and seeing that it wasn't due for another ten minutes, I moved closer to the nearest building because it was getting very cold. As soon as I moved there, a bus went by, without even stopping. I was annoyed because I was so cold and (unreasonably) disappointed that I wasn't going to see my Bus Guy that I just wanted to go home. I decided to stay near the building because the buses only came every 30 minutes.

Not that evening. Five minutes later, another bus went by! You can imagine how that frustrated me. I decided to bear the cold and move right next to the bus stop sign so there was no more chance of a bus missing me (or me missing the bus, whichever way you look at it).

A minute later, someone lined up behind me. Then I heard, "Did the bus come already?" or something along those lines. I almost wanted to laugh at the irony that about a year ago, BG asked the exact same thing. I told the guy he just missed two buses. I gave him a glance and thought, "This is no BG" and turned around. I couldn't care less about making conversation. He didn't look anything special.

Then this guy started asking me other things. When I told him I didn't study at uni anymore, that lead to more questions. As I looked at him, I thought, he's not the type I want something to happen with and even if he was, nothing would anyway. Why bother. I kept talking to him anyway because it was just something to do while waiting for the bus.

As we chatted, he made a bit of a joke which straight away warmed me up. Then I sort of started to see that he didn't look that bad. And he seemed innocent enough. In my head, I've accepted that this was just a one-time conversation so I didn't get my hopes up. I knew I wasn't going to see him again. I was already excited about telling April how I met another guy at the bus stop. It would've been a great story.

We continued talking when the bus came. When we got off at the train station, we both hesitated a bit. We took time checking our train times. Then there was nothing else to do but part. I said, "See you later" and then you know what happened...

Today, this guy is David, my boyfriend, the man I'm totally head over heels in love with.

The Excitement of Old and the New

Last night I had such a wonderful conversation with my brother. Just like the old times. It gave me hope that we can be friends again.

We really caught up with our lives. He's got tons of girls as usual. I told him I couldn't wait till the girl he wouldn't be embarrassed to bring home. He said there weren't any like that yet.

One girl he likes, he said she was "SO beautiful!!!" I was like, "You think she's hot, hey?" and he said, "No, beautiful." Apparently there's a big difference. He explained, "Britney Spears is 'hot'. Natalie Portman is 'beautiful". I guess it's the 'sexy' vs 'pretty'. I wonder if there's some woman that men think is hot and beautiful...

He also told me that a guy from soccer (the team that David and he organised together) said to him, "It's much better to have an older sister because at least they have cool boyfriends. Younger sisters just have stupid ones". Hehe, I'm the sister with the 'cool' boyfriend.

Andy also said something that really stuck with me. After I told him about the blurry plans of David and I becoming 'serious' at the end of next year, he said, "I love change. It makes me so excited!"

Sometimes I get scared when things start changing. It makes me fear that I'm drifting further and further away from my childhood. Andy made me see that if you try to cling to the past, you don't embrace all the wonderful new things. Change is not about leaving the past behind, it's about moving to new and better things. It's about living life to the fullest. The past is always within us.

All or Nothing

I can't believe it! I really can't!!!

The agent who got me the job at the magazine, called me to ask if I wanted to work there again for two months, 3 days a week.

How is it that for months I had no jobs, no interviews, no opportunities even though I tried so hard, and now I've had 4 offers within weeks!

Obviously I will have to decline their offer as I have no time for it. If they offered me a full-time position, that would be an entirely different story.

My permanent "part-time" position at the moment is stressing me out more than necessary. First of all, they have the worst environment. The office stinks, the computers and software are from the early 90s and there's not enough lighting. I mean, when you sit in front of the computer the whole day, good lighting is so important!

It's also very unorganised. The marketing manager, even though the sweetest person, has no eye for design, admits it but still wants everything done her way.

The toilet is almost inside the room (as there's no corridor between it and the office), so everyone can see exactly how long you've been there. I'm sure after a while it'd be easier to get used to hearing the constant flushing.

Working from home isn't too hard other than the programs that I have to use are totally incompatible with each other. For 90% of the time I have no idea how the colours will turn out when printed. This particular problem drove me nuts all weekend. And will certainly drive me nuts for as long as I have to use those two programs together.

These problems really make you appreciate a nice work environment, such as my contract work one. I can just do my work, without stopping every 10 minutes to solve some technical problem.

I get annoyed at the people at (my day-time) work who say how unorganised the management is. I don't know, they probably are but they are definitely better than all the other places I worked at.

Hypothetically Speaking...

Would you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend (husband/wife) went to a partner dancing class without you? How about if your partner went clubbing with his/her friends (without you) and danced with other people? Is there a difference between the two?

Looking forward to your thoughts.

No Guarantees

Why am I so tired? I feel like I can just fall asleep right now and not wake up until tomorrow. After my first job, I went to the second one where I tried working for an hour.

Man, I hate their place. It stinks (literally). The computer system is way too old. They have Macs with their stupid one click mouse which make me so frustrated. They don't have any high resolution product images which make it impossible to create large posters.

I'm dreading having to work there full-time. Although I guess it would be better than no job at all.

Did I mention I got a reply for my teaching application?

They said in order for me to enrol into Teaching, I have to do one subject in Languages/IT/Psychology. I was thinking of learning Spanish since that would be useful but most universities don't offer the beginner course in second semester. Might have to research more into it. Although, I don't have much time.

Do I even want to become a teacher? I wouldn't mind but I just don't want to put more money into education.

Where I'm working now, the woman who was previously in my position and is supposed to go back into it after my contract ends, said that she's looking for a different job so I might have a chance to stay there permanently.

I so don't want to get my hopes up but I absolutely love this job. Sure, I'm not designing magazines like in the last one but I do heaps of stuff here. Also, it's not too hard since they are very strict to sticking to their corporate identity. What I like is how all these people from different offices call me to design stuff for them and the way the big manager always asks me to do little things for her. I think I like working on lots of little projects, rather than one big one.

The people are really nice too. I had a pretty good conversation with the woman who had my position. She's got such a lovely personality - easy-going, friendly and young-spirited. It surprised me to learn that she went through a divorce.

When I mentioned my boyfriend, she asked if we were planning on getting married. I told her not yet. She said not to rush and that we have plenty of time for that. She said to enjoy other things first.

It's weird, everyone tells me not to commit too soon, except my Mum. I told her what this woman advised me and she said, "Lots of people think that way but I'm happy that we don't have a large age gap and I can still keep up with you. If I was 15 years older, that might be harder".

I don't know. I always thought that if you find someone you want to be with, there's no point in waiting. I guess I got that thinking process passed on from my Mum. Kids usually imitate parents, whether they want to or not. Isn't that true?

I see that my parents have a good relationship and that marrying young does not mean you will get divorced, and having kids early does not mean you can't have a successful career and travel.

April told me, "You just want what your parents have". David noticed that too. I guess it's pretty obvious. If you see a good result, you want to take the same steps to get there.

If I think logically, it's highly unlikely that I will find someone better than David. Yes, there are several things I wish he didn't have in his personality but who's perfect? Certainly not me.

Would I rather have someone more serious, less open, more principled and not as much fun? Maybe their sense of humour would match mine more or they would have a similar background to me. But will they have all the unique qualities that I love so much in David?

All I want is for a guy to love me so much he'd be willing to do anything. For someone like that, I would ignore every fault.

Dancing Again

I got a catalogue of local courses in the mail and I'm considering doing some dancing classes. They're going to be located a 5 minute drive for me. I desperately need exercise. Plus they are a lot cheaper than the ones I went to last year.

I hope I won't have to work too late on the day of the class. It's a combination of Latin and Ballroom. That means I'd probably have to dance with creepy guys or do the guys' part if there aren't enough. Wish David would come with me but I know he won't. Maybe I can convince Andy again but that's highly unlikely as he has tutoring jobs on that day.

Do you think I should do it?

Compromises

You wouldn't believe it but I had to turn down another job. I'm serious.

Alyson called to ask me to design a website for some company which was planning on paying me. I would've liked to do it but I barely have enough time for two jobs.

I think I'll have to get used to coming home and continuing working.

I went to meet with the marketing manager at the new company yesterday and she already gave me work due tomorrow. Usually it wouldn't take me long to come up with something good but yesterday I was so stuck. I was falling asleep by 8 o'clock.

David called just as I was about to close my eyes. We had a fight. A very stupid one that made me really upset.

He told me that when he starts working full-time, he'd like to take the 4 weeks annual leave in one go. I told him I'd much rather spread it out over the whole year. Then he was like, "This is interesting..." in the "I don't like that" tone. Then he said, "Now, I'm getting to really know you. Another thing we disagree on". And the way he said it was like it was the biggest problem! I mean freaking annual leave! Who cares?! I told him he could take his one month holiday while I divide mine throughout the year (if I even plan on using up the whole four weeks). Then he said, "What's the point of me taking four weeks, if you don't?"

I got a little sick of the argument so I said, "If it makes you happy, we can take turns. One year I'll take four weeks in one go and in another we spread it out". Then he said, "No! Why should I?! I want for us both to take one month every year". That obviously got me annoyed.

I said, "What's wrong with a compromise?" and he replied, "Maybe there are some things I don't want to compromise on". That would've made me laugh if I wasn't so annoyed with him making such a big deal out of nothing. I said, "Then we have a problem because compromise is very important". He said, "I'm starting to think there are too many things we have to comprimise on. We don't have much in common." Then, he tried to list things we did have in common and he came up with 'salsa' and 'chocolate mud cake'.

I got so mad!!! I mean, why the hell was he listing things, like he was trying to justify staying together? I stopped saying anything. He asked if I wanted to go to sleep. I said I did and hung up. Then I started crying because I let myself get to a point where all I wanted was him and I was willing to do anything just so we could be together. And once you get to that point, it's too difficult to let go.

I thought of calling him back and telling him I loved him but that would've been sinking too low and I was too angry and upset to call him back when I haven't done anything wrong.

It was terrible not having that content feeling of falling asleep knowing I was really important to someone. I got too used to it.

I managed to calm myself down and tried to think rationally. It usually makes me feel better thinking that soon this will be over and we'll be back to the happy state of being together. However, last night I thought I should make myself feel better by thinking that I can be totally fine on my own and don't need anyone to make me happy. That didn't work too well because I couldn't help but compare how much nicer it was to be happy with David than being happy alone.

As I was thinking this, David called.

I said, "What?" and he replied, "I want to compromise".

Another Job

I got this job.

I have to go there tomorrow to sign the contract. There's this bit in it where it says that I have to terminate all my other contracts before starting. That's weird since I told them I still want to work at my current place.

On the phone, she was really pushing me to tell her when my current job will be finishing. I told her in May, but I think it's going to be in June.

This is such a difficult situation. I hope they won't change their mind tomorrow if I tell them that I won't end my current contract now.

I guess I'll tell them that I'm confident that I can work at both places. I think I can, anyway.

In the contract, they actually decided to pay me more than I asked them. That was a nice surprise, since I didn't think they'd even afford my offer. (I made it a little higher than I first planned because I didn't really like the place.)

The thing I'm most excited about is getting a double salary for the next couple of months. If you can't enjoy the job, might as well concentrate on how you can enjoy the money. I'm going to pay off my uni debts.

I'm a little worried about how I can handle two jobs. I'm just counting on this new job not being as much work as they say it will.

David called from work and he sounded worried that I'm not going to have time for anything other than work. I told him I will always have time for him.

What I won't have time for is doing nothing. And reading. That's the first thing I always compensate on. Sad but true. And it's the only thing I get excited about when I do get free time.

Even though I'm not that excited about this new job, I'm very excited that it will give me more of a financial basis to plan my future on.

I get so excited just thinking about planning my life with David.

April always said that she always looked forward to planning her wedding. Unlike her, I'm more excited about picking furniture together and coming home to the same place. Going on holidays together and having friends over. Waking up next to each other. Call me a romantic but I like the simple things.

David: I love this about you. You don't need jewellery or expensive gifts to be happy. You are happy just being with me.

Young at Heart

We went to my grandparents house yesterday because it was my grandpa's birthday. They showed us a photo they got from our relatives in POB. Then we ended up looking through their photo album of when my grandparents were young. There were pictures of them as kids. It was really weird seeing that. I've seen them before but I've forgotten.

Both of my grandparents and their friends looked like movie stars from the 40s/50s. The black and white photos were amazing. There is a picture of my grandma (about my age) on the beach in a bikini, lying under a wave. There is also one of my grandparents where my grandpa has his arm around her and he has the slyest grin on his face. It's so hard to imagine them then. Then there was a picture of one of my grandma's best friends. She's looking over her shoulder with a joyful smile. The picture looked like an old film poster.

As I was looking through the album and commenting on how good looking everyone was, my grandpa said, "When you get to our age and look back on yourself, you are going to think the same way". Meanwhile, my Mum gave my grandma her jacket because hers was getting old. My grandma asked my grandpa, "How do I look?" and he answered, "Like a supermodel!"

After looking through their photos and then looking at them next to me, I saw the same youthfulness in their eyes. The same young couple who were busy socialising with their friends and going on holidays. The young parents who raised my Dad.

It made me think that years can wither your body but they can never age your spirit.

My Secret

I saw the above on PostSecret and it almost made me think David wrote it.

When we went on our first holiday together last year, he got a book of SuDoKu puzzles. When I was at his house, we did some of them together. I know every time I'd see it, I'd always think of him.

Not that it's a secret or anything. I just never thought to mention it.

Another thing I never 'mentioned' to him is Max. Remember him? Sometimes I feel like I should tell David because he played such a big role in my mind (not in my life) but I just don't want him to know. I don't know why, other than it's embarrassing. Sometimes I think it would just come up and when he'll ask me why I never told him, I'd casually say, "It was so unimportant I totally forgot about it". What a lie.

It just feels so stupid to have some guy I only comminucated with online and occasionally by phone for about 5 years. Well, I guess really it was only about 3 since a few years I only talked to him a couple of times. And only out of desperation.

I tell myself he's no big deal, but then why do I feel bad not telling my boyfriend, my best friend about it? Why is it so hard for me to just say it? He knows pretty much everything about me (including things I never even wrote here about) and he's still with me.

Of course he also doesn't know about this blog. I read somewhere that if you can't tell your partner that you have a blog, you have serious issues.

I guess I could tell him, but he'd want to read it then and I don't want him to because that would affect the way I write.

I love that this blog is something just for me (and strangers). It's my door to an alternate world, the one that runs parallel to my real one. And that's the way I like it. I put a lot of effort into making sure it stays that way. Of course there is risk and uncertainty about my anonymity. I could already be close to being discovered. But I guess I still live in this state of mind that no one will know. How else would I be able to write so candidly?

Is it wrong of me not to tell David about some things? Should partners know every detail of each other's lives?

With the Seasons

Yesterday I felt summer ending. Sure it had officially ended in February but the weather was still hot in March.

I'm sure we'll have some warm days in April, but mostly it's getting cool now.

David and I went to the beach last night and for the first time in months we had to bring jackets. He said, "It's almost like when we started going out". We're making a full circle with the seasons. It makes me feel a little pensive.

The cold temperature always made me want to have someone to be close to. It's how during cold months people crave hearty foods and warmth. It was so comforting to have David next to me.

We didn't bring up the conversation we had on Friday, even though I would've liked to. I didn't want to push it though. So we just talked about general stuff - the student that he tutors, his soccer games, families, friends, my work, the cold weather, the calming ocean water, cars etc. Just the every day topics.

We were one of the few people walking. The others probably decided to stay inside where it was warm. Even though he comes from a southern country, he loves the cold, just like I do.

I used to always prefer Australian winter but now I enjoy all seasons. The warmth of summer, the gloominess of autumn, the chill of winter and the regrowth of spring.

It's almost a year since we've met. Time flies. Wonder how my life will be this time next year... Here is how I imagine it:

1. David and I will be together, still completely in love.
2. Really don't know how I'll be job wise - either on yet another contract or maybe even studying Teaching and working part-time.
3. Hopefully, David and I will be 'planning'.
4. Fingers crossed, April will have a boyfriend.
5. My brother will be in a relationship.
6. I'll still be blogging.

Is the World Spinning or am I?

I read on another blog how that blogger likes to watch people on the train/bus. She said she saw one woman crying and another biting her lip to stop from laughing. She said she wondered what these people were thinking. Why did the middle-aged woman have tears running down her face? What did the young woman find so funny?

Well, today in the morning, I was biting my own lip from smiling. David sent me the sweetest message. I was so happy I wanted to laugh. That plus remembering what he told me yesterday just moved my lips into the biggest grin. I couldn't stop.

Like that wasn't enough, we just had the most amazing conversation on the phone. It got a little uncomfortable at the beginning but once we got into it, it just felt so great. What could we have been talking about, you might wonder.

We talked about our future. The one where we are together. And the most exciting part was discussing how we could make it happen.

At first he was like, "This is really weird, we're talking like we are getting married. Isn't that a bit too soon?" so I told him there was no point discussing serious issues unless he was certain about us. (And you know exactly what I mean by 'certain'.)

He said in the last couple of days he's been thinking and all he wants is to be with me. Forever. He said he can see me in his future.

The absolute best thing that he said that really put me in 100th heaven was that even though religion was the biggest tension between us, he realised even religion was not as important to him as I was. He said I was more important than everything. This was coming from the guy who said he couldn't compare between his faith and me. He said they were completely different things. Now he said I was the more important one. He said he couldn't care about it if I wasn't with him.

Now that's what I call a change!

Anyway, we really got the ball rolling about our future. I told him that even though we knew pretty much everything about each other generally, we never really talked about important things. He asked to give him an example. So I did.

We discussed the topic of kids. It's amazing how we both brought ourselves to an agreement about everything. It's like we were subconsciously trying to find common ground. If we can always talk like that, I think we'd be able to find a solution to everything.

He said he really wanted to wait until he finished his degree and got a full-time job, even if I got one beforehand. I said I was happy to support both of us. Then he was like, what if we 'accidentally' have a kid. I told him the chance of that is pretty minimal. Anyway, I agreed to wait till the end of next year. I mean, I'll still only be 23 so it's still almost in my 'dream age' of getting married. I could have a child before 25 and therefore still be a relatively young Mum.

David also brought up the issue that our friends will still be going out since none of them are planning on getting married until 30 and we wouldn't be able to join them. I told him that my Mum already volunteered to baby-sit. He said his Mum did too. I told him at least we'll be cool young parents, like our own. We won't have a large age gap between our kids and ourselves, like most of our peers will.

It's weird to think back to our old conversations, like the ones where he told me marriage was committing suicide and the one where he didn't want to settle down until he was thirty. And now he's bringing up these topics out of his own accord.

I mean, I want this so much I'm freaked out to bring it up, fearing that he's not certain he wants us to get married etc. Yet, here he is telling me he's been thinking about it and he's certain he wants to spend his life with me. He said it's the thing he wants the most.

Only yesterday I was going to blog about how for the first time since last April, I felt like my head was clear of any fuzziness because I had finally gotten over the blurry pink cloud that surrounded me. I felt that finally my relationship was another part of my life, not the overriding joy. Now I'm back into the fuzziness. I mean, we just talked about financing our lives together and how we would discipline our kids!!! The ones we don't even have yet! It's making my head spin.

He said he'll call me after he gets back from Ryan's (and his girl problems) so we could continue talking.

In the last couple of weeks our relationship started skyrocketing to a new level, and now it has gained speed. I'm scared and so excited!

Four

I found a website which shows which blogs link to mine. From it, I saw that someone tagged me to do one of those questionnaires that are so popular with bloggers. So I'm going to do it.

Four jobs I've had
1. book seller
2. graphic designer
3. marketing coordinator
4. tutor

Four movies I could watch over and over
This is pretty hard because I don't like to watch movies over and over again. I remembered these from experience of not minding watching them again.
1. some POBian ones that you wouldn't have ever heard of
2. American Beauty
3. While You Were Sleeping
4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Four places I've lived
1. POB
2. Australia - one suburb
3. Australia - another suburn
4. Australia - and another suburb

Four TV shows I watch
1. Desperate Housewives
2. Girl In Love
3. Prison Break
4.

Cannot believe I watch less than four shows nowadays!

Four places I've vacationed (how American, I should say 'holidayed')
1. USA
2. France
3. Australia
4. POB

Four of my favourite dishes
1. steak
2. pizza
3. any sauce with vegetables/meats mixed with rice
4. chorizo sausage (loved it ever since David gave me one)

(obviously I'm not counting dessert as a 'dish' because otherwise I could go on for a while)

Four sites I visit daily
1. this one
2. hotmail
3. http://sleepylauren.blogspot.com/
4. http://miaworld.blogspot.com/

Four places I would rather be
1. at David's house
2. out, dancing
3. in a shopping centre (I want to buy stuff, now that I've got extra money)
4. in Europe/USA

Four authors I love (I added this one myself)
1. Paullina Simons
2. Fannie Flagg
3. Harry Mazer and Judy Blume(when I still read teenage books)
4. J.K. Rowling

(As you can see, it's too hard for me to only come up with four)

Four people I can't live without (another extra one)
1. Mum
2. David
3. April
4. Andy

Four hobbies
1. reading
2. dancing
3. blogging
4. music

I tag Toey, Jen, Lily and Janice to do this. (But everyone else is welcome too!)

Work Moves

Today's interview was the first time when I felt like I was in control. The general manager showed a tinsy winsy drop of confidence which in turn relaxed me. I felt so professional showing them my work and telling them how overqualified I was for the position.

They said they wouldn't mind if I kept working at my current role until it ended and doing their work from home. That would be the best because then I'd have a back-up if the contract finishes and at the same time, if it doesn't I can't just drop this.

The major problem was that the office stank because they had a warehouse of their products. Fortunately, if I do get the job, I wouldn't have to actually stay in the office.

The big positive thing was that the two women seemed very friendly and easy-going.

I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm really enjoying my current role. It gives me satisfaction working for the government. It's like I'm assisting the state. It's a weird but nice feeling working on the other side of the education system.

One lady who works part-time forgot something in the office and called me to ask if I could bring it down to her car since she didn't want to take her child up to the office.

When I got there, the lady said to say hello to her daughter because she was disappointed she couldn't come up. When I greeted her daughter, I felt such an immense wave of confidence and joy that it made me yearn to become a teacher.

It's weird how I'm not so confident around adults but with kids, I become almost a different person. I stop worrying about looking and sounding professional and grown-up. I just relax and become myself.

I think children bring out the best in me.

Out of my Mind and Out of my Car

For the whole of this post I will complain about the problems with my car that I had in the last two days due to my carelessness. You've been warned.

After work yesterday, I was supposed to drive to David's house to see how his Mum was after her operation. I got out of work as soon as I could and as my hand went for my car keys inside my bag, I got a sinking feeling.

My keys were inside my locked car. As I came to my vehicle, I saw them in the ignition, just the way I left them in the morning.

How could this have happened? Well, I wasn't totally empty-minded. I got distracted. In the morning before getting out of my car, I was talking on my mobile so when I finished I thought I completely switched off the car and taken out the keys. Obviously not.

Anyway, I called roadside assistance (after calling my Dad). Then I called David to let him know I was going to be late. He laughed and said not to worry.

Finally when the guy came, he made opening a locked door look so simple! He said, "This isn't your first time, is it?" I got offended and said, "It is, actually!" Do I look like I lock myself out on a regular basis? Hmph.

After I thanked him and he left, I turned on the car but it wouldn't start! The battery was flat. I called roadside assistance again, hoping they'd get the same guy to turn around and come back. But they wouldn't. They told me someone would come within an hour. I was so annoyed. I mean, the guy who opened my car was probably only a street away!

I called David to tell him. He started laughing again. He volunteered to come and recharge the battery himself because he had the equipment. I told him not to worry because the guy could've gotten there before him.

I felt pretty stupid at having wasted so much time because of my lack of focus. But not as stupid as I felt today in the morning.

I was about to go to work when I switched on the car and lo and behold, it wouldn't start! I tried to switch it on a few times but nothing. I ran upstairs to tell my Dad. He said, "Is the break in Parking?" and I was like, "Of course!" Why would I not put it in Park when I've been doing that for the last few years, ever since I started driving? Then he started saying that I wrecked the battery. I was like, "But I had it on for over half an hour yesterday, just as the guy said!" (Whine, whine)

Called up work to tell them I was going to be late. My boss was really nice and said, "That's ok, take your time". When the guy arrived, he checked the battery and said, "It's fine. Try to start it". So I tried but it wouldn't work. The guy was puzzled by this and said, "The battery is definitely not the problem". I wanted to tell Dad, "I told you so!" but I kept quiet and hoped it wasn't something worse.

Then the guy got inside my car and said, "Oh! Your car is in Drive! You can't start it unless it's in Park!" Maybe he felt my embarrassment because he added, "It's hard to see here in the dark". My Dad shook his head and said, "Children," like I was ten or something! I hoped the guy didn't hear him.

From now on, I will tick off things on my mental list:
- break: off
- gear: park
- keys: in bag
- bag: in hand
- brain: (hopefully still with me)