The Lives of My Friends
Dear Sky,
I'm getting nervous about getting married and my boyfriend hasn't even proposed yet!
We've been together for four years. We talk about marriage A LOT but nothing ever comes out of it. I can see myself spending my life with him but some things about him make me nervous. What if he has an affair? You hear it happens to people who never expect it. He also doesn't want to have kids but I do. He's great with others' kids so he's probably only going through a phase and will change his mind.
He can also be very immature but all guys are at this age, aren't they? Does quarter-life crisis exist? I think he might be having one.
I don't know what to do. Is this the guy for me?
- nervous and confused
Dear nervous and confused,
Get a hold of yourself! If you're getting cold feet before you're even engaged, you're not ready to marry this guy. You have to put your feelings and emotions aside for a little while (as hard as it is to do) and assess your capatability with him rationally.
If you think he might cheat, you obviously don't trust him. A successful relationship cannot exist without trust. Has he given you reason to feel this way or are you getting influenced by things you hear in the media? If it's the latter, you're being too easily influenced by people who shouldn't influence you at all. You have to know his character (which after four years, you should have a clear picture) to see that he's strong enough not to be swayed away from you or give in to weaknesses.
As for kids, that's not something to be taken lightly. If he says he doesn't want to have kids, you have no guarantee that he will change his mind. This sort of 'phase' can last a lifetime.
Immaturity doesn't always disappear with age. Some people have that condition all their lives.
A quarter-life crisis exists in people's heads. Age is no excuse for doing out-of-character things.
Having said all of the above, it doesn't mean that this guy isn't the one for you. He very well might be. Sometimes it's easier to convince yourself that he's the one because you have a history with him that you don't want to throw away. Unfortunately, the longer you wait the worse it will get if in the end you realise he's not the one you want. But only you can decide that.
Dear Sky,
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. I am ready to take the next step and make a formal committment. The problem is that I know he's not. He has not grown up enough to be the adult partner I want him to be.
For example, we have planned on going overseas next year and as I was about to book the tickets, he called to tell me that he didn't want to go because he wanted to save up for a car. I was devastated because I was really looking forward to it.
I am also looking to buy a property but there's no way I'd want him to move in. I would just end up picking after him. He needs to grow up first.
My parents love him but I am not sure anymore if I want spend my life with him.
I also have a problem with him not caring what I do. He wouldn't even care if I had a stripper for my hen's night. He also never argues which really annoys me. I'd rather he screamed than stayed silent. I even try to provoke him to get any reaction but it doesn't have any effect on him.
Should I wait until he grows up?
Get a hold of yourself! If you're getting cold feet before you're even engaged, you're not ready to marry this guy. You have to put your feelings and emotions aside for a little while (as hard as it is to do) and assess your capatability with him rationally.
If you think he might cheat, you obviously don't trust him. A successful relationship cannot exist without trust. Has he given you reason to feel this way or are you getting influenced by things you hear in the media? If it's the latter, you're being too easily influenced by people who shouldn't influence you at all. You have to know his character (which after four years, you should have a clear picture) to see that he's strong enough not to be swayed away from you or give in to weaknesses.
As for kids, that's not something to be taken lightly. If he says he doesn't want to have kids, you have no guarantee that he will change his mind. This sort of 'phase' can last a lifetime.
Immaturity doesn't always disappear with age. Some people have that condition all their lives.
A quarter-life crisis exists in people's heads. Age is no excuse for doing out-of-character things.
Having said all of the above, it doesn't mean that this guy isn't the one for you. He very well might be. Sometimes it's easier to convince yourself that he's the one because you have a history with him that you don't want to throw away. Unfortunately, the longer you wait the worse it will get if in the end you realise he's not the one you want. But only you can decide that.
Love Sky
Dear Sky,
My boyfriend and I have been together since high school. I am ready to take the next step and make a formal committment. The problem is that I know he's not. He has not grown up enough to be the adult partner I want him to be.
For example, we have planned on going overseas next year and as I was about to book the tickets, he called to tell me that he didn't want to go because he wanted to save up for a car. I was devastated because I was really looking forward to it.
I am also looking to buy a property but there's no way I'd want him to move in. I would just end up picking after him. He needs to grow up first.
My parents love him but I am not sure anymore if I want spend my life with him.
I also have a problem with him not caring what I do. He wouldn't even care if I had a stripper for my hen's night. He also never argues which really annoys me. I'd rather he screamed than stayed silent. I even try to provoke him to get any reaction but it doesn't have any effect on him.
Should I wait until he grows up?
- Frustrated
If you feel the need to provoke him to get a reaction shows either a bit of immaturity on your part or your need for his attention. If it's attention you want, you need to tell him! It might sound like a cliche but communication is key! If you're being immature, you'd make the perfect couple!
You're right that he still needs to grow up. Unfortunately you never know how long that will take. It's up to you to decide how long you want to wait. Don't wait too long because you don't want to wake up one day when you're 35 and realise that nothing had changed.
Dear all my friends with boyfriends who are 'not ready',
Be strong!!! Make a decision about what you want and stick to it. Let him know where you stand and if he's not standing right there beside you, it's time to cut loose (yes, it will be painful) but not as painful as spending your life with somebody who doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you.
Love you all,
Sky
Dear Frustrated,
Sounds like you're stuck with a guy out of habit. You might've had things in common when you were teenagers but it seems you don't anymore.
His last-minute cancellation on your trip shows not only his lack of reliability but also his complete lack of consideration.
The fact that you don't want to move in with him out of fear that you'd be like a mother figure is a big neon sign that says "Mismatch!" He's not a child anymore and should be able to look after himself.
Of course your parents love him - they only see the surface - his good job, his charm etc. That's not enough for you because you need some quality and substance underneath the perfect exterior to make your relationship work.
Sounds like you're stuck with a guy out of habit. You might've had things in common when you were teenagers but it seems you don't anymore.
His last-minute cancellation on your trip shows not only his lack of reliability but also his complete lack of consideration.
The fact that you don't want to move in with him out of fear that you'd be like a mother figure is a big neon sign that says "Mismatch!" He's not a child anymore and should be able to look after himself.
Of course your parents love him - they only see the surface - his good job, his charm etc. That's not enough for you because you need some quality and substance underneath the perfect exterior to make your relationship work.
If you feel the need to provoke him to get a reaction shows either a bit of immaturity on your part or your need for his attention. If it's attention you want, you need to tell him! It might sound like a cliche but communication is key! If you're being immature, you'd make the perfect couple!
You're right that he still needs to grow up. Unfortunately you never know how long that will take. It's up to you to decide how long you want to wait. Don't wait too long because you don't want to wake up one day when you're 35 and realise that nothing had changed.
Love Sky
Dear all my friends with boyfriends who are 'not ready',
Be strong!!! Make a decision about what you want and stick to it. Let him know where you stand and if he's not standing right there beside you, it's time to cut loose (yes, it will be painful) but not as painful as spending your life with somebody who doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you.
Love you all,
Sky
2 comments:
Wow, that's pretty good, objective, advice. Maybe I need to send my questions in.
I don't know if I could answer readers' questions, in case they get offended and never come back!
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