Monday, January 31, 2005

The Torture Chamber Survival Story

The Torture Chamber Survival Story

I just came back from the Torture Chamber, also known as The Dentist. I can't feel half of my face but I'm sure I don't need that half right now anyway.

I honestly believe that dentists thrive on the pain of others. After I lied down on the torture chair (which was deceivingly comfortable - another way to trick you into thinking dentists are nice people), the Torturer started hitting me on my sick tooth asking if if it hurt. After I almost yelped in pain, I'm sure he thought, "That was fun, I'll just hit it harder" because that's exactly what he did.

My pain only encouraged him to reach for his tools. One of these was a long sharp metal rod which he proceeded to stick into my gum and tongue. All the while with a smile on his face (I knew it was there behind his white mask!)

"This won't hurt at all!" he said, knowing exactly how much it would but lulling me into a false sense of security. But he underestimated me! I knew not to believe all his fake words. I could see through all his evil lies!

He didn't even wait long enough for the anaesthesia to numb my mouth because as he was drilling (which was already painful to listen to), I could feel horrible shots of pain in my tooth. While I was clenching my hands together and squeezing my eyes, he kept saying, "I told you it wouldn't hurt" to which I could only say "Uhuh!" which seemed to please him.

He then goes, "So how's your Dad?". F$%^ing hell, I can't talk while there are electric instuments having a war inside my mouth. But I should be used to it. My dentist always likes to have conversations while I lie helpless in the torture chair with my mouth forced open wider than it can usually go.

When I was freed, I thought half of my face was blown up. I ended up having like 3 fillings in one tooth. It's more probable that I have some of my tooth inside the fillings. But I can't be sure.

When I got home and checked the damage in the mirror, I saw a grey filling. That evil monster! He said they were going to be white.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Another Ride

Another Ride

That conversation that I had with Max on Monday has put me on my "Max Rollercoaster". My hopes are gaining speed and soon I will reach the top before falling.

It's weird reading through our old emails. It's like being back in time. It's nice knowing that next week I might talk to him again, on a completely different level now.

When I talk to him on the phone, I feel like he's just another one of my friends. And it's the little things that he does that make me like him more. Like the way he kept saying, "Mm..." while I was telling some story to let me know he was listening. It seems like such a ridiculous unimportant tiny thing to notice but it really stuck with me. He was really good listener. Kinda familiar in some way. And just lots of other seemingly insignificant things like that that tug at my thoughts.

I know that if we lose contact again, I will be annoyed at myself for feeling like this about him. And for some strange reason, the fact that April knows about him makes me like him more. The way she was shocked that I haven't met a guy I've kept in contact with for almost 5 years after how much we complain that we don't know any good guys. And how we say that at our stage right now, almost anyone would do, but then there's someone who's better than just anyone and I don't do anything about it. To her, the Max thing seemed so simple. After hearing how old he was and that he lived 20 minutes away, she was stunned and asked, "Is he nice?!" like that was the only thing that was preventing me from meeting him.

I so need to talk to her about this. I need her advice. Although, I'm pretty sure I know what it will be.

Maybe Max changed his mind about meeting me and he wants to now. I'd meet him in a second. I've had plenty of time in the last 5 years to imagine countless scenarios about what it would be like.

I really need to not sound as clingy to him as I sound right now 'cause I know it'll put him off.

There are so many things I want to talk to him about. One thing about him is that he's great to talk to about deep stuff. Not that I've talked much with him about it. But even how we were talking about what it's like to live alone ('cause he has been recently) and he was saying that it's weird to come home in the evening and there's no one there. The way he was saying it made me see myself in the future doing the exact same thing. Living the great spinster's life.

If I met him and became friends with him, he's the type of guy I could make a pact with that if we're both unmarried by a certain age, we'd marry each other. Although those sorts of pacts scare me because it's like you're asking to marry that person when you're old. I mean if it's meant to happen, might as well do it earlier.

I wonder what April would think if I told her that Bus Guy looked like Max. I were her, I'd go through all of our conversations because if she did, she'd see lots of hints about him. I mean, there were numerous times when I wanted to tell her. But didn't. And then was glad about that. The next day I'd breathe a sigh of relief and think, "Phew, that was close". I wish I could do that now but I can't. It's too late.

Can't wait till Andy gets back on Monday. I want to talk him. I was so shocked to see him at the train station when I was waiting for April on Thursday. I had to stop myself from giving him a hug 'cause I knew it would've embarrassed him. At home, he's always my little brother and nothing else but in public, he's so many other things. Only outside of home, I see that he's not just an extension of myself but his own person. Who's not even a kid anymore. I miss him.

When I think of how we're both adults now (well, he's almost one), and how I'll have to move out at one point and what I'll hate the most about that is that Andy won't be around all the time and we won't be able to muck around the way we still do now.

Anyway, as you can see from this long post, I'm overthinking everything too much. Need to stop.

Should Not Be So Dramatic

Should Not Be So Dramatic

I have a market research job today. I love those, as I've mentioned before. They pay a lot to watch ads on TV.

I need to talk to April. Or Max. Now that April knows about him, I want so much for us to be friends in real life. And it would probably be a good idea for me to discuss this with April so we're back to being open with each other. Although I know I don't want to tell her everything because I like having some things to myself so if I'm annoyed at her for whatever reason, she doesn't have all of me. If that makes sense.

I just really need to move from this place that I've been in since the conversation.

As I read over this now, it sounds so much more dramatic than it should be.

Friday, January 28, 2005

The Deepest Darkest Secret

The Deepest Darkest Secret

I've made another attempt at starting a discussion on my message board.

Temping

Temping

I had an interview today at a temp agency. Hey, I need money while I look for a proper job and tutoring hasn't started yet and won't be enough anyway.

Apparently my typing speed is excellent. Not surprisingly, considering how much I talk to April (and others) online. Chatting with people online is the best way to learn to type fast.

I've also had to do a test on how well I know Microsoft Word and even though I only ever use it to write stuff, I logically figured out how to do the other stuff they asked. The receptionist said that I got about 50% higher than most people.

Maybe I should just be a data entry person or a secretary. Great way to use my university degree!

When I told my interviewer that I'm doing work experience for free, she took it more personally than I expected. She told me that I shouldn't let companies exploit me like that just because I just finished uni. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't if she got me a company that would pay me. It was kinda funny watching how it upset her.

It'd be kinda cool to work as a temp for a while though. I'll get to meet lots of people but not be there long enough to get in conflict with managers.

Waking Up To Reality

Waking Up To Reality

I woke up today hoping yesterday was a dream.

Went to bed last night thinking how April will now always think that I'm not telling her everything that's in my life and she will therefore stop telling me everything that's in her life and we will never have this closeness that we share now (or had until yesterday). Then thought how Max and I will probably lose contact again soon and all of this would be for nothing. Woke up thinking those exact same things.

Actually, I can't stop thinking about it at all.

I guess it's selfish of me to want her to tell me everything while I'm allowed to keep secrets. But then, she didn't have any secrets like that. Maybe I wouldn't be as embarrassed about this secret if it wasn't so hypocritical of me.

Hopefully, I will stop thinking about all this soon and things could go back to the way they were. Except I don't think they can. 'Cause that openness that we shared is now gone. And it's all my fault so I should just stop feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Secret Revealed

The Secret Revealed

This is SO not supposed to happen. I thought at least I should feel relieved but I don't. I feel really unsettled.

I met up with April (after the conversation). Neither of us mentioned anything about it. I think she tried to move the conversation there but I wouldn't let her. I hate having this tension where there's a subject that at least one of us wants to discuss but can't. Please please please let us not drift away because of my stupidity.

How many times did I imagine how I would tell her and it was never like this. It was only going to happen if I actually met Max and hung out with him on a regular basis. ONLY then.

I guess the only good thing is that I didn't lie. If I did, it would've made things even harder in the future.

But now I'm scared to talk to her about our usual topic of conversation 'cause I know she'll bring him up. She doesn't realise that Max doesn't count as another one of the guys we talk about. He doesn't count at all because he's not really in my life. Only in my thoughts. He's separate from my life. Or I guess I should say 'was'. Now it's all intertwined and I didn't have time to plan how everything should be. I'm not in control of the situation anymore and I hate that.

I guess I should be thankful for all the scenarios I did imagine of telling April. I made big use of the"I didn't tell you 'cause it's not a big deal" one. She didn't buy it though. She said if we make talking to any guy a big deal, then knowing a guy for 5 years definitely is too. I told her I didn't 'know' him because I've never met him. I could feel myself weaving a nice big web for me to be caught in. She kept asking me why I was denying this but all I could do was deny my denial.

While we were having this conversation (on the phone), my grandma came in and said my face looked so red, I should at least change which ear I hold the phone receiver too. I don't think she saw that the other side of my face was just as red.

The Next Chapter of My Life

The Next Chapter of My Life

There's been an interesting development in my life.

April knows about Max.

I didn't plan on telling her. It just happened.

I don't think she'll ever trust me with anything again.

I'm known for always digging a hole for myself and now I've dug one of the worst ones.

April is a bit shocked that I knew some guy for 5 years and did not mention a word about him.

When she asked me when the last time I talked to him on the phone, I could barely get the word "Monday" out of my mouth.

Maybe this is a dream and I will wake up soon.

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. It should've happened according to my plan (that I haven't yet devised, which is why it shouldn't have happened).

It was a horrible moment of weakness on my part.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Not Like The Others

Not Like The Others

Max: I'll email you tomorrow

After checking my email yesterday (the tomorrow of the phone conversation) and not finding anything from him, I started to feel embarrassed that there I was thinking this guy is better than the others when he's just like all the others who say they'll do something but then don't.

Then at 9:30pm, I get a message from him saying that he hasn't emailed yet but he will before the night is out. So I got all happy that he's considerate enough to let me know. Then I thought, he probably won't email anyway. But today I checked my email and there was an email from him, just like he said. So I have no reason to be embarrassed about liking someone who's like the majority of the others. (And I don't mean just guys. Nadine always says she'll call on a specific day but never does. It's not a big deal if they don't call, but why say they will?)

Yesterday my grandma was inquiring about my guy situation, again. So I told her about Andrew and the bus guy and my wonderful luck in all those situations. But the funny thing about grandparents (especially this grandma) is that they get totally baffled how anyone might not like their granddaughter. It's like they don't see any of your bad characteristics. They only see the good. Gotta love grandparents.

Since my grandma from POB has been here, I've been going for night walks with her and last night, some car full of teenage guys started whistling as they drove past and I muttered, "Idiots" and my grandma laughed and asked, "Is that how you deal with all guys?" and I said yes.

I don't know how my grandma does it but she gets out so much more information about my personal life than my parents. I end up telling her much more than I plan. But haven't told her about Max. Max is my secret and will probably stay that way. (Well, apart from Andy who's allowed to know.)

If Max had a uni education and an intelligent job and drank a bit less, I think he'd be perfect for me. Or as close to perfect as can be. I wouldn't even care if I met him on the net. One of my brother's friends met some guy over the net and now says that he's her soulmate. If Max was my soulmate, that would make things a lot easier. I guess if you meet someone who's totally right for you, how you meet them isn't important.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Cloudy Mind

Now that I have plenty of work (website designing and implementing for work experience), I’m back to my procrastinating ways. I wish I had a longer attention span. Even an extra 30 minutes of concentration would be good. More would be preferable but I can use anything I can get.

What am I even talking about, it’s not like I can wave a magic wand to make myself concentrate for 30 minutes more. The fact that my brain has been getting cloudy (like it always gets when Max is involved) isn’t helping.

I’ve been tossing and turning last night because I couldn’t fall asleep thinking about the last 4 years and the next four years with hundreds of different versions. Thought how good it would be to talk to April about it. Then thought how bad it would be. Imagined countless future scenarios. Mostly with him in them. Realised that the more I stop judging him, the more I like him. So what if he’s never been to uni, so what if he has some dumb job. So what.

Sometimes my mind just won’t stop thinking and imagining and not letting me have a break from my constant thoughts.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Back To Max. Again.

Back To Max. Again.

Just talked to Max for 2 hours. I feel better. I think. Didn't talk about anything serious but it was good anyway.

I think he might be smarter than I think he is. He's a complete expert in photography which I find impressive. I like when people are really interested in something.

Another thing that impressed me was that he also does a lot of research before buying stuff. Apparently he draws up tables and writes up notes. And I love that.

He was so trying to impress me, I know it. He succeeded.

You know, there are some advantages to not trusting your own judgement. You do more spontaneous things that lead to good things that you would've never experienced had your judgement prevented you from taking the risk in the first place.

Is this starting to sound like another one of my Max phases? I think so. Anyone can guess how long it'll last this time.

I think I'd like to meet him some time before I die. Hopefully a bit earlier.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Childhood Moments

Childhood Moments

I really have no life right now. Nothing exciting has happened for ages. Well, since my trip to America and nothing in my life can compare to that (other than 'the date').

So blabbing, here I come...

My brother is going on a week holiday with his friends tomorrow. Who am I going to bug now? I tried to make up for the next week by acting like a 5 year old today. Andy was also acting that age so it was ok. We couldn't stop being silly and chase each other around the house (I told you we behaved like 5 year olds).

My parents and grandma were looking at us like we were insane. There's nothing like being silly with my brother to make me feel like the happiest kid on Earth. When I'm being stupid with Andy, I feel like I'm transported back to that nice comfortable world that I was in when I was a child. A world where there's no thought of the future, no responsibilities, no stress or anxiety. Nothing but blissful childhood abandon. I love that world.

Since my grandma is staying with us now, I always get reminded of what I was like when I was little. Apparently I was called "100 minds" by other people because I would say really adult things. And would ask a lot of questions. Well, I still do that. Anyway, it made me remember my childhood and how comfortable it was. All the fun times I had. (Of course, it wasn't as perfect as I like to remember it but I have no memory for bad things. Like, I remember the bad stuff but I just ignore it.)

Here are some moments that are very clear in my mind:

Staying in the country house during summer with my grandparents (the ones that live here now). This house was near a forrest where we used to go and pick lots of fresh berries. One time I found a huge bush full of the juiciest raspberries (a bit off the path which is why no one else saw it). There were so many we had to go back to get another jar.

There was also a river near by that we could get to either by crossing a field which had grass growing up to my waist or walk around it (which would take a lot longer). Sometimes we'd ride our bikes there. We'd spend most of the day splashing in the river and playing cards while drying off.

I also remember talking to the neighbouring boy through the fence every day. How when I would get bored, I'd look through the fence to see if he was there. And I remember one time he was showing me some huge stick that he found and I didn't like sticks so I asked to look at it. He gave it to me through the fence and I sank it in the water tank that was standing near the fence. He didn't talk to me after that. It's funny remembering it now but I felt really horrible about it afterwards.

Also, the times I'd get taken to see plays and musicals because my Mum wanted to make me cultured. Although, in POB, it's not as expensive to see that stuff as it is here. And it was quite common to take kids to see a play rather than a movie.

I could probably go on for a lot longer remembering all those precious moments of my childhood but it's only making me more nostalgic.

Sometimes it's hard to reflect on how much my life changed since I moved to Australia. My life would've been completely different there. Probably worse (in financial terms) but better in social terms. When I was about 14, I used to wonder what it would be like to keep growing up with all my guy friends from there. I think my boyfriend situation would've been a lot better. But I guess it's easy to say now since I'll never know.

I really should snap out of this nostalgic mood soon because it's pulling me towards Max. Anyway, since my judgement lately hasn't been too good, maybe I'm judging him wrong and he's really much better than I think he is. I mean, I thought Andrew was great and I was wrong about that.

I have this list in my head against which I judge whether a guy is right or not for me and Andrew had everything on that list but he wasn't right for me. But Max here only has some things that are on the list but maybe he'd be good for me.

Well, I'm going to stop babbling now. Maybe I'll have something more specific to write about later.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Back On Track

Back On Track

I just heard some great news.

The guy who I was doing the website for and who hasn't contacted me since last year even though I sent him numerous emails with different layout ideas, contacted me to tell me that he's too busy with the business side of the company and is going to get another guy to work with me.

But the best part is that he got some other guy to also do some layouts for the site and he liked mine better! Yay! I'm better than someone else!

This makes me feel a lot better about my design skills, especially since I had no luck with finding a job.

So I guess, I'm going to continue doing stuff for this company. At least I'll have some more professional work to put in my portfolio (something most design companies are looking for).

I've also volunteered at a film festival but have got no reply about the details. God, even for free, no one wants me. Also volunteered at a film school to help out with student productions. The guy in charge emailed to let me know that he'll tell me when they need me to help with shoots. At least that's better than nothing.

Weakness

Weakness

People really disappoint me. Or maybe I just have unrealistic high expectations of everyone. If I believe that, the disappointment grows even more.

Today in the morning, I couldn't wait to hear how last night went. Mostly it was as I expected - everyone smoking their lungs to death and drinking. What I didn't expect was that Elaine started to smoke too (obviously for the first time since she went into a coughing fit) just because everyone else was (other than Andy).

Andy asked her what she was doing and she said she wanted to fit in with the others. All I can say is that I've lost most of my respect for her. Why are some people so weak? It's not like the others would've hated her if she didn't smoke. My brother never smokes with them and they don't care.

There are so many more people who don't have inner-strength to be confident that if they are a smart and nice person, people will like them even if they don't smoke or do other stupid things.

I remember how Nadine used to say how much she hated smokers and how it was a filthy habit but when she went to some party, she decided to try it because everyone else was. Ugh. Same goes for Amy who would start fakely coughing whenever some smoker was near us to give them 'hints' but then after some holiday called me up to tell me that she tried smoking! Like it was something to be proud of.

What is it with people?!

Even with all my insecurities (and I know I have plenty), I would never sink as low as doing something I totally didn't believe in to impress other people. If these people didn't like me because of that, they wouldn't be worth impressing anyway.

I don't know why this makes my blood boil so much. Andy told me not to care so much about other people doing stupid things but for some reason I can't help it.

A Comment For Ashley

A Comment For Ashley

As I've said lots of times before, my comments are usually stuffed. They either don't show the right number or won't let me post or some other problem they like to create to make things more difficult.

So this is more of a reply to Ashley's comment (which got posted 3 times and when I deleted 2 of them, the 3rd one disappeared as well, or maybe I deleted it accidentally myself).

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Max never treated me like an object. He actually usually thinks I'm a much better person than I really am which is what makes it really hard for me to remember the reasons I don't like him (which I've mentioned before but if you don't want to read all my posts to find them, they are laziness, not a lot of intelligence in some areas and some other personality traits that I don't find very appealing).

Friday, January 21, 2005

Want For Validation

Want For Validation

I love how people hint for compliments. It makes me smile, wondering if anyone else notices.

I do it too which is why I guess I notice when other people do it.

Example:

After trying some top/jeans in a change room.

me: I think this makes me look fat
[in my head: I look good, tell me you agree]
Mum (usually): I don't even want to hear it
me: so it's all right?
[in my head: just say it looks good]
Mum: it looks great!
[in my head: thank you!]

By the way, I don't do this all the time. And if something looks bad, I don't even bother asking for an opinion.

Anyway, I noticed that guys do this A LOT. Like a small comment saying someone looks cute will follow you all the time with that guy reminding you that you think he looked cute at one point or saying how I don't like how guys gel their hair will make some guys totally stop doing it (an incident that happened at uni).

I heard/read somewhere that one of human's basic wants is to feel accepted and validated that they are a good person. When people show these hints, on one hand I know they do it because of insecurity but on the other there's something comforting about it.

Karma?

Remember how I mentioned being snobby to a guy I didn't particularly like last weekend? Well, now he's being snobby to me. Only my snobbiness involved not starting any conversations with him but his snobbiness involved leaving me out. Not nice.

He invited everyone to a party tonight except me. And by everyone I mean Elaine. Before when he used to invite my brother to go out, I couldn't care less 'cause he's my brother's age and I don't hang out with my brother's friends. But now he invited Elaine so I'm taking this personally.

It's some party for POBian people so it would've been interesting to meet new people from POB. I guess I could've turned up...

Oh well, too late now. It'll probably just be his idiot friends anyway. So hmph!

Same Life

April and I are always at the same stage in our lives.

We were born a few days apart. We moved to Australia at around the same time. We both went to private primary schools. We both went to the same high school. We both had similar marks. We both wanted to have the same career. We both didn't get to do that career. We both never had a proper relationship. We both got a casual job at the same company (coincidentally). Our life events are beyond coincidence.

So this week, we were supposed to find out if she was going to stay at uni for another few years doing a post-grad course while I join the workforce. We were convinced she was going to get into the course that she wanted but surprisingly she didn't so she's yet again at the same stage as me.

It's quite freaky.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Max Obsession Resurfacing

Time doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow stupid.

I've been checking my email every 5 minutes, wanting an email from him. Only last week, I was happy never to speak to him again.

I have the shortest memory. I forget everything I don't want to remember.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

My Teeth Thinking

My thought process in the last few days:

[After drinking water]
Ouch, my tooth just hurt.

[After eating something]
There it goes again! I hope it's not a hole.

Of course it's a hole, why else would my tooth hurt when I eat or drink something.

[After some tongue exploration]
I don't feel any holes. Must be the wisdom tooth giving off pain in my other tooth, like last time.

No, can't be, 'cause it's always happening after eating/drinking, especially something cold. Could be a hole inside my tooth.

Maybe it'll go away.

Why isn't it going away?! It's getting worse!

Noooo, I don't want to go to the dentist. Dentists are evil!

Will call the dentist tomorrow morning.

[About to call the dentist]
Well, it's not hurting right now so no need to hurry.

I'm not eating! Of course it's not hurting right now!

Ok, I just won't eat anything.

I seriously have the worst fear of dentists. Just the thought of the drilling sound freaks me out.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Re: Max

Sometimes it's hard to believe that Max is still present in my life. More like semi or even quarter-present (if not less), but anyway.

Sometimes I don't ever want to talk to him and other times I have nothing better to do. I look at the whole thing as such a game. I remember AGES ago when I told him that, he got really offended so I just don't mention it anymore.

In his latest email, he said something witty and funny and for a moment I totally forgot why I didn't like him. I have the biggest weakness for guys with a sense of humour. Give me a guy who can make me laugh and I'm in love. (Ok, that was a bit of an exaggeration but I had to make my point.)

Sigh.

In other news, I've started to ignore Tim whenever he's online. I think it's because I'm scared he might start to like me more than I like him. So dumb. My brain works in ways even I don't understand. Like I've told April, there's no limit to my craziness. I always find ways to act more insane.

In my last conversation with April, I've realised that I'm a commitment phobic and don't even know it. Because as soon as I think someone likes me, I start backing off (unconsciously). And I'm also ego-centric because I think guys like me more than they really do.

So basically I'm a ego-centric commitment phobic. Or as April put it - "A guy".

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sympathy

I've read an interesting article about how people feel worse for the victims of natural catastrophes than for people-inflicted ones. I've actually felt the complete opposite.

There is no denying that any catastrophe where people suffer is horrible but I always feel so much worse for the ones that were made by people because I feel that people have control of their actions and it's just tragic when they use that control to destroy other people's lives, whereas no one can really do much about natural disasters.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

The Deeper Connection

Today I slept way too much. I'm feeling kinda blah. Probably the weather again. It's always the weather's fault.

Who wants to know what I did yesterday? It's nothing exciting but I'll tell you anyway.

My Mum insisted on having a family get-together for my brother's birthday. Since to my brother extra parties equals extra presents, he had no problem with it.

I couldn't avoid this (like I avoid all similar gatherings) because I had to keep my brother company since most guests were my uncles and aunties with little kids. My Mum invited some other family friends to make things more interesting.

I was put to my usual job at these sorts of things - entertaining the kids. I didn't really mind since most of the time they are the ones entertaining me. Later, when Elaine came with her family (who are friends with all my relatives), it was more fun for me. The only other guy who was Andy's age didn't even talk to Andy much. I was being a bit snobby to that guy because of the stories Andy told me about him when he went out with him and his friends. His Mum was all right though and I talked with her for quite a bit. I find it so much easier to talk with adults now that I'm becoming an adult myself. It's kinda odd a bit still though 'cause it's new for me to talk to someone who's at least 20 years older than me on the same (or almost the same) level.

Later another family who I've never met came. My Mum wanted to introduce me and my brother to the family's kids for ages now. The girl is a bit younger than my brother and the guy is about 1 1/2 years younger than me. Trust my luck for him to be so my type. He was kinda small which made him look young but if I was younger than him, I would so go for him. He was obviously very intelligent, had a sense of humour, sweet, deep eyes... Ok, I'll stop making myself feel worse. He was a bit on the nerdy side but that doesn't bother me.

Elaine suggested we invite them and the other guy out so we did. The girl even cancelled her other plans so she could come with us! The other guy ended up not coming so it was just the brother and sister, Elaine, me and Andy. First time I actually went out with my brother! It was an odd group to go out with but I like this kind of variety. Especially having new interesting people to talk to. Elaine became totally hyper since there were so many people she could converse with in POBian. She wouldn't shut up. But it was great 'cause I love hanging out with her (as I've said lots of times before).

It was such a different atmosphere because being born in the same place and having been brought up in similar ways really bonds people a lot faster. And unlike usually when I go out with my usual friends and want to meet new people, last night I was totally content chatting with the people I was actually with.

The guy was mainly chatting with Elaine and me since his sister was busy chatting up my brother. Unlike the guy, the sister was very social and outgoing so she quickly took what she wanted (Andy) and walked ahead of us. So the guy, Elaine and I were talking together. It was so easy to relate to the guy since he's also from POB but grew up here so we were talking about the differences of living there and here. Not something I can really chat about with my school friends.

Caught the train back home, not by myself like I usually do but with Elaine and Andy. Andy decided to go to sleep but I had to make myself stay awake so I could talk with Elaine (who did not seem even a little tired). She'll be leaving in a week which is kinda sad 'cause I love talking with her. It's not often you meet people who you have that connection that you have with really close friends. Last time I met people like that was in high school. Unfortunately there weren't any at uni.

As I've realised there's a very big difference between friends (with whom you can still hang out and have a good time) and close friends (with whom you can just share about anything) and the latter are much harder to find.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

In Search of a Job

It feels so weird not to have uni to look forward to anymore. It's like I don't have much of a purpose to my days anymore.

The job hunting hasn't been very successful. I'm even applying for jobs I know I have no chance in since I've got nothing to lose. I'm thinking of doing a short course to learn all the programs that lots of companies want me to be proficient in.

The guy for whom I've done the logo and website layouts isn't getting back to me and he was supposed to be back from his holidays last week. If he doesn't like what I've done, he could at least let me know.

Since there's so much more to write about my trip, I will just write a compressed version:

San Francisco

Fell in love with San Francisco at first sight. Stopped at Pier 39 which was supposed to be a tourist trap but it was a beatiful tourist trap. Every store felt cosy and old-fashioned. If you go there, you must try the clam chowder which is a potato tasting thick soup in a bowl made out of sourdough bread. Absolutely delicious! I loved being able to eat the plate!

Stayed in some hotel in a shady part of town. Wanted to go out somewhere with Lauren but she didn't feel like it. Wished Tim would come and hang out with us but I have no idea where he is.

Getting Sick

Went on a city excursion. Tim came with us. We took a ferry to the bridge and I dragged Lauren to the top (even though it was freezing) because I didn't want to miss the views from the bay. Tim was shaking so much 'cause he didn't bring a jacket so I asked him if he wanted to go inside. He said yeah but when he realised that I wasn't going in with him, he stayed.

He was saying how he didn't want to go on the (optional) tour outings anymore and he canceled one of them, even though yesterday he was asking why we weren't going. I think he just wants to hang out with us which makes me feel great.

As soon as we got off the ferry, I started to feel really sick. All I could think of was finding the nearest bathroom 'cause my stomach was twisting. I was so annoyed that I was wasting such good time to chat with Tim.

After our excursion, Tim was supposed to go his way but he 'missed' his stop and came with us. We went to have lunch at some fast food place. First thing I did was run to the bathroom for the 100th time today.

When I got back, Tim asked how I was feeling. Lauren must've mentioned my stomachache. After lunch, Tim took me to the nearest pharmacy and found some tablets for me. When I read what they were for, I was so embarrassed that he realised what sort of stomachache I had. He compared all the different ones for me which was really nice of him. He, then, acted like such a nurse and told me to drink lots of water and how I should take the medicine. It was really sweet. He so reminded me of the nurse I had when I had my gall bladder operation.

Feeling Better

First thing Tim asked me today was if I was feeling better and if the tablets helped. I said that they did and he looked pleased and said, "I told you!" He then went on to insult Kara's Flowers by saying it was "girly shit".

At dinner, I was sitting with Lauren and Tim. I noticed that for once I wasn't in the large group of girls. For a moment I felt left-out that I wasn't a part of the all-girls group because I'm so used to being in one. But that moment quickly passed.

After dinner, we were all supposed to go out but Lauren said she was sick and didn't want to. I was fine with going with Tim until he mentioned the very expensive taxi fare back which put me off going. When I said, that I didn't want to go then, he got all grumpy and wouldn't say anything except some annoying comments. He kept saying how he didn't want to go by himself which was dumb because he had his sister who he could've asked to come. You can't just rely on people you don't even know.

After a while, he offerred to pay my taxi fare just so I'd go. I asked him if he was sure 'cause it was expensive and he said he was. I felt kinda guilty but hey, he offerred! (I ended up paying my share anyway.)

When we were standing in line to get in, the self-conscious Scottish guy from before started talking to me. Tim just ignored us. I think he was annoyed that he offerred to pay for me. The Scottish guy kept talking to me all through the night. He had no sense of humour. Every time I would say something not-seriously or sarcastically, he would take it to heart. For example, when I sank a few balls on the pool table in a row after numerous misses, and I said that it was just random, he told me not to be so modest and that I was really very good and not to put myself down. I was just being light-hearted but he gave me a whole talk on how good I was (forgetting how many times I missed). Tim also stopped ignoring me so I knew he wasn't mad anymore.

When my winning streak stopped and the guys asked me what happened, I said I was doing it on purpose to let them get ahead and while Tim was like "Woo!", the Scottish guy was really taken aback and said, "Oh my, you're so unlady-like!" I had to force myself not to laugh. What century was this guy from?!

After The Tour

I was quite sad about the tour ending but what I didn't expect was for Tim to still hang out with us. He and his sister were staying near us so for the next few days (until their departure), Tim followed us like on a leash, even to places I knew he didn't really want to go.

During these days I found a lot more about him that I wish wasn't true. Like how naive he was about talking to random strangers who came up to ask for money. How much he manipulated his parents to give him money. How he had a whole 'hero' complex where he loves it when he's able to help someone who's not feeling their best and becomes all soft and caring, but if he's not needed to take care of anyone, he can get really grumpy. It'd be nice if he could be just as sweet when people didn't need any help.

My Perfect Career

We saw a TV show being made. I was in wonderland. Watching the whole process only confirmed that being a part of the crew would be my dream job. If only I actually wanted to live in America. I'd never move there by myself, only if I was married, and only for a little while. I always feel that Australia is the best place on Earth to live in.

Ok, I'm starting to realise that even my compressed version is turning out to be quite long so I'll stop here for now.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Ripped Off

The tutoring agency that I'm in is totally ripping me off!

They called me to tell me that if I want to rejoin them, I have to pay $22 to cover 'insurance' if I break something in the student's house. I've been tutoring for 3 years now and I've never broken anything. I don't even remember when I ever broke anything in anyone's house.

I was going to tell them to stuff their $22 if I wasn't unemployed now. And if I don't pay, I can't tutor the girl who I promised last year I would because the mother said she didn't want anyone else. Also, I was told that Aidan's Mum wants me to tutor her younger son.

I wasn't even planning on tutoring anyone anymore because I need a full-time job but I can't say no to the mother of the girl who wasted half of her term fees because I left to America since I told her I'd continue next year. And I feel really touched that Aidan's mother wants me to tutor her other son so I don't want to say no. Especially since I have no guarantee that I will find a proper job anytime soon.

I guess I could risk not joining them and losing all my students in the hope that I will be fully employed soon but with the rate I'm going, I don't think it'll happen. So I need any money I can get.

And another thing that frustrates me is how the agency has to take the earnings from my first lesson, even though the students pay them fees. Why should I work for free?

And they have the nerve to get angry at me because I didn't answer my phone while I was in America, even though I called to let them know before I left. Ugh.

Now, I'm not sure what I should do because if I do find a job halfway through my tutoring term, I would've wasted more money than I would've earned. And I don't want to disappoint any kids (and parents) by not gracing them with my presence.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

A Little Piece

Last night was great, not counting the language barrier between Amelia and Elaine so I could only talk to one of them at a time. I tried to balance my conversations so no one felt left out but it was hard.

We went to a place which had free live music and a great crowd (i.e. not totally off the face intoxicated). Danced the night away. One guy tried to dance with all of us but Elaine would just smile and look away. Then later, when the three of us weren't in a circle anymore, but more in a line, the same guy came up to Elaine and started twirling her and dancing with her and she was totally into it. Amelia and I were looking at her, totally surprised. Then the guy tried talking to her and to our even bigger surprise, she was talking back to him! Amelia said that in these situations (where anyone can barely hear anyone) language wasn't important. About 5 minutes later, they were trying to talk through me. Maybe I should get a job as a translator.

Later, when Elaine and I were catching the train back (since she lives about 5 minutes away from me) and were talking, I started to feel nostagic again. I remember the same thing happened when she was here last year.

Every time I talk to people from POB, I just feel like they're 'my people' (if that makes sense). Maybe it's some sort of instinct. Just makes me think that if my family never moved to Australia, I would have friends like her now. I think it's that combination of deep-thinking seriousness, easy-going warm nature and humour that I love. Or maybe it's something else that I can't pin-point.

Maybe people who weren't born in the country where they mainly grew up would understand. Because I'll always call Australia my home because everything in my life is here, but there's still just a little piece that feels out of place.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Most Irritating Thing

I figured out the thing that irriates me above all else. It drives me absolutely crazy when people cancel at the last minute. ARGH!!!

I don't have as much of a problem if a person says they don't want to or can't do something when I ask them, rather than say yes and then a few hours before, say that they've changed their minds.

Amelia and I were planning on going out tonight with Kim (who said she'd come) and Nadine (who I asked yesterday since she's always telling me to let her know when I go out so she can come with us and also because Elaine is in Australia now and I thought it'd be good if she had someone other than me to talk to in POBian).

Then, about an hour ago, Amelia messaged me to say that Kim can't come and Nadine messaged me to say that she can't either. So now, it's going to awkward since Amelia and Elaine can't really talk to each other and I'll have to be the translator the entire time. Also, won't be able to leave Elaine even for a minute because it would be uncomfortable for her and Amelia since they can't communicate.

Ok, must not take this so seriously. I hate it when people can do things that are not even that important which bug the hell out of me. I know I'm being too sensitive about this. It's just happened so many times (with lots of different people) that now it's just piling up, squeezing all my nerves.

Ok, will stop being so melodramatic.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Meaning of a Song

I love how some songs have lyrics that say so much. All my favourite bands have lyrics that you can just read and they sound like music without the melody. I think most of Darren Hayes's album The Tension and the Spark has that. When I first heard it, I have to say that I was a bit disappointed but the more I listen to the songs, the more I love them.

Day 12

Day 12: Laundry Excitement

Decided to skip the day excursion today and do the laundry instead. Never been so excited about it! I was also quite excited about washing my hair.

When we went to our tour included breakfast at 10, we were told that the breakfast for our tour group finished at 9. Annoyed, I put on my most innocent face and told her that our tour guide told us it was till 11 (which he did). After the waitress stood there not knowing what to do, her manager came and I made it clear to her that we shouldn't suffer for our tour guide's mistake. So they brought us cereal, fruit and toast. I thanked them and made them feel like they were great people so they were almost jumping around us while we were eating. I love it how making people feel good is the best persuasive mechanism.

After breakfast, I found some stationery in our room so wrote April a long letter. Then we went to do laundry. Since there was no washing powder, had to wash our clothes in just water. Oh, the lifestyle of a traveller!

9:39pm

We had dinner at Tim's room. His roommates decided to have a pizza party for our whole group and didn't ask if Tim minded. He minded, a lot (as would any normal person). We could barely move inside the room, it was so packed.

Lauren and I were squashed near the door and Tim was on the other side but after about 10 minutes, he made his way to our side (which was quite a challenge). We tried talking but it was almost impossible so Lauren and I decided to leave. Tim was like, "Oh, don't leave me here by myself!" so I invited him to come back to our room.

We sat around and watched TV. Apparently he loves those angsty teenage dramas that are so popular here. He said he liked it because of the hot girls but I know it's because of those horrible corny storylines ;) The woman in our room left all her underwear hanging on everything so we talked about that. Tim said, "She's not even pretty" which made me wonder if that's what he thought of me. Not like he's gorgeous.

When he said that when you're in a medical career, you learn to read people well. I wondered if he could read me.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Imperfectness

Yesterday was weird.

I was writing to April (in our private blog) about my latest awkward moment where I got told by my grandma (in front of the rest of my family) that I don't hang out enough with guys, when I received two emails.

They were both from Max, a blast from the past. On one hand, I was happy just 'cause I wanted to read what he wrote but on the other, it was the same annoying things starting again.

The first email was actually him just sending back my other email by mistake and the other one was about a line long just to see if I was still alive. He could've at least wrote something interesting. I emailed him saying that I was alive.

Then, while I was talking to April online, I decided to add Tim to my contact list (since I had his email) and as soon as I did, he started talking to me. It was so weird to talk to him online. But great, nonetheless. Of course, after about 30 minutes, the parts of his personality that annoyed me the most started to come through. Why couldn't have I met some wonderful guy that I really liked. Sigh... I guess Tim's better than nothing so I should just be happy that I met anyone who I can keep in contact with.

When I got off the computer, my Dad brings me my mobile to tell me that I should keep it with me because I got some message. It was from Max. I wish I could remember whether my Dad saw who it was from, but I can't. He's not acting like he saw so I guess I shouldn't worry.

Later, when I went online again, Max sent me another email. He said he's been wanting to talk to me but was lazy. He's also been lazy to read his 5 line email to correct the spelling mistakes (which bugs me). Nothing unusual for him, though.

Why can't I find a guy who's intelligent and not lazy? (This is a rhetorical question so I don't expect any answers.) I know I'm not anywhere near perfect but there must be a guy who's the same imperfectness (if there's no such word, there should be)* as me.

* just checked that imperfectness does exist.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Totally Over It

Straight after the break-up:
Andy: this is such a bad time for her to break up with me
me: there's no such a thing as a good time to break up with someone [me being such an expert in these things]

An hour after the break-up:
Andy: I didn't even like her that much
me: so if breaking up was inevitable, might as well have it now and save any pain in the future

15 minutes later:
Andy: I don't get why religion matters now when she said it didn't before
me: she probably got influenced by her family
Andy: that's it! She wouldn't even tell her friends back home that she was going out with me because she said they would disapprove because I'm not Christian. It's all her friends' fault.
me: you don't want someone who gets influenced so easily by other people. It's not her friends' fault. It's like saying that if a wife cheats on her husband, it's the wife's boyfriend's fault.
Andy: it is!

15 minutes later:
Andy: before she left, she kept telling me that she would get really mad if I found another girlfriend while she was away. And she did call me the day after the formal because she was worried I might start going out with Jen.
me: you don't need someone that insecure.
Andy: I know! I'm actually happy now 'cause I can find someone who I actually really like.
me: there you go! You're free again to find any girl you want.

5 hours after the break-up (after getting back from his friend's house)
Andy: I can't believe how quickly I got over her!

30 minutes later:
Andy: Seriously, I can't believe how quickly I got over her. It hasn't even been a day!

1 hour later:
Andy: Can you believe I got over her so quickly?!
me: no

15 minutes later:
Andy: Isn't it weird that I'm over it already?
me: what's even weirder is that you can't get over that you got over her.

15 minutes later:
Andy: do you think it's possible for us to be friends?
me (the relationship expert): no, it'd be too awkward.
Andy: she'll be moving away anyway so we won't be able to have a relationship anyway.
me: didn't you say that you didn't like her?
Andy: I don't. I just went out with her 'cause there was no one better. I'm totally over her.
me: uh-huh.

I know he'll be over it when he starts uni and meets better girls.

Day 11

Day 11: Being An Adult

Today was spent mostly on the bus. I saw Ian through the window saying good-bye to some people but I didn't get out of the bus. I was sitting there thinking I should get out but being me, I didn't.

We got some new people. None of them are even close to being RG. A perfect looking couple sat in front of me and acted like they were in love. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

At our first stop at some shopping mall, we saw Tim and arranged to meet up for lunch. I spent an hour trying to find the shoes that I saw yesterday, unsuccessfully. When I came a minute later than the time we arranged, Tim had to point it out. I love it when people are on time so I had to make sure he knew my reputation of coming when said I would. After arguing about it, he let me have my way.

At our next stop, Tim stayed and talked with us. Found out he's a really picky eater.

On the bus I started getting really bad stomach cramps while everyone was running across the bus, playing games. Would've loved to join in but it hurt too much to move. The couple, sitting in front of us, noticed and kept looking at me weirdly. Thankfully the pain passed and I was able to enjoy the scenery.

We drove past orange fields. There were endless rows of orange bushes. They were almost rectangular, dressed up with plump juicy oranges. I also saw a few trucks full of orange crates driving on the never-ending highways with the orange sunset in the background. It was beautiful.

When we got to our destination (a park), we were paired up with other people. Although our tour guide tried to separate all the guys and girls, some people started complaining so Lauren and I got to be with the left-over guy (and another woman). The guy (or man, since he was in his 30s) was very considerate. He offered to carry all our bags and let us choose where we wanted to sleep. Lauren and I got the best spot - the bedroom. The woman got the couch ('cause she wanted it) and the guy got the fold-out bed.

The room next to us has four new guys so some of them were over here (congratulating our guy on getting to be with three females, as if he had anything to do with it). Some 30 year old Scottish guy wouldn't leave. He was so self-conscious and sensitive, I wanted to tell him to toughen up. I don't know why but it makes me really uncomfortable when grown-ups (especially men) are overly self-conscious. Maybe it's because I don't like to pity anyone but with them I can't help it.

It's cool how age doesn't matter on this tour - everyone's here just because they want to travel. It's great! I would've never talked with these people otherwise. I took advantage of no one knowing how old I was and talked to the 30 year olds as if we were all the same age. If I was home, I'd usually feel a bit intimidated but here I did not care which I felt really good about. Definitely a nice confidence boost.

Later, Brad (the guy staying with us) mentioned how we (Lauren and I) looked really young. So maybe my pretending to be a real adult didn't work as well as I thought.

At dinner, Tim sat next to me (even though there were lots of empty seats all around the room). Even tiny things like that make my trip that much better. The dinner was ok. I didn't overdo on the dessert like last time. A girl at our table said that Keith actually got an underage hooker in Las Vegas and boasted about it. What a sleazy creep.

Tim was acting his usual boyish self and I got to talk with him which was nice. There was another couple sitting with us (my favourite one) so talked with them for a bit as well.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

My Favourite Break-up

Andrew and Vanessa broke up! Must remain calm.

After ignoring his emails and messages for a month (she's overseas), she wrote to tell him that they can't be in a relationship anymore because he's in the way of her spiritual journey or some crap like that. Basically, she's Christian and he's not. Well, I hope her 'spiritual journey' leads her to some sort of enlightenment while my brother finds someone who doesn't put non-existent things before real people.

Well, it's all for the best. Andy is now free to find someone wonderful and special. Which I'm sure he will.

Day 9 - Day 10

Day 9 and 10: Making Friends With Tim and The Wedding

Yesterday was quite an adventure.

We got on the bus early in the morning. I had to sit next to Lauren because it would've been weird if I hadn't.

About ten minutes away from our hotel, the bus driver got really sick and stopped the bus. After our tour guide had some talk with him, he told us to get off the bus and that he would catch us taxis to the hotel. I hoped our driver wasn't having a heart attack or something! Maybe he was having gall bladder pains. Oh, that brings back memories...

I thought that it would've been nice to catch a taxi with Tim but there were other people standing next to me and Lauren.

When we got to our hotel, we were told that our bags would arrive in an hour. I wanted to go for a walk and get acquainted with the city but Lauren wanted to wait for the bags so we stayed (because I didn't want to go by myself). And what good choice that turned out to be!

After our bags arrived, we started going towards the main part of the town and who do we see but Tim and Keith!

Keith asked us where we were going and then asked if we wanted to come with them. I happily agreed because Tim was there and I wanted someone other than Lauren to talk to.

As I walked down the street, there was one theme running - no matter where you looked, you would see pictures of almost naked women in some tacky suggestive poses. There were billboards, screens, business cards plastered all over poles (which Keith decided to swipe off with his hand. I thought it was stupid to litter the street like that.)

We, first, walked into the MGM which was huge! We had to walk about 10 minutes through a corridor of pokie machines just to get to the casino tables. Then walk some more to get to the exit.

Keith found something to entertain himself with pretty much as soon as we got into MGM Grand. He said, "If I don't see you, it's been a pleasure". Who even talks like that? We were going to see each other in a few hours. You could tell he was in his 30s. Even from the way he dressed - 80's style light denim jeans with a long-sleeve denim shirt (a shade darker than his jeans) and brown work shoes. He could've passed for some little kid's Dad with his glasses and his adult hairstyle.

Anyway, I was glad he left. Don't really want to get involved (i.e. talk) with someone who sleeps with two women in a park. I bet they were prostitutes.

I was a bit worried that now that Keith had left, Tim would go his way but he didn't. The three of us spent a couple of hours walking around, checking out all the buildings. It was mainly me talking with him because Lauren was always lagging behind us.

There were lots of street people handing out stuff. One referred to me and Lauren as Tim's wives.

Tim talked about his family and I love when people do that because you can find out a lot about a person by how they speak of their families. I also liked that he asked me questions and it was just easy to talk to him in general.

We got back just in time for our ride to dinner. (Our driver was feeling better.)

It was the most incredible buffet I (or even you) could ever have. There were dishes from all over the world I took a bit of most stuff I haven't tried. They were all delicious. The best part of the buffet was the HUGE variety of desserts. There was just not enough space in my stomach to try them all. There were cookies of all sorts (almond, chocolate, chocolate chip etc.), eclairs, crispy waffles with cream filling, chocolate brownies, chcolate silk cake, carrot cake, fruit cake, cherry pie, cherry pie without sugar, pecan pastries, sweet rolls, strawberry sauce, ice cream and that's only about 5% of the whole selection. I was in dessert heaven. Just remembering it makes my mouth water.

After dinner we saw a mock wedding ceremony where Elvis 'married' two guys. It was the most hilarious thing ever. Elvis sang and flirted a bit which was very entertaining (since he didn't try to sit on my lap like he did with the girl sitting on the edge of the aisle).

After that very amusing show, a couple from our trip decided to get married. They booked their ceremony for the next day. All I could think of was "Yay! I get to go to a real wedding!"

When all the over 21 year olds went to check out the nightlife, Lauren, Bianca and I went to see some public shows. Walking with Lauren and Bianca made me realise that I'm a lot fitter than I thought I was. I can walk for hours without getting tired unlike them who were barely walking after a few flights of stairs. Lauren had been wanting to sit and rest every few minutes for our entire trip.

At around midnight, we went back. After a shower (something I hate taking in hotel rooms), I went to bed and slept very well until 7:30am when Lauren's Mum called to wake us up.

We had breakfast at a small cafe for which we got a free voucher. For once, I had a (relatively) healthy energising breakfast - eggs, turkey sausages (very yummy), fruit, toast and orange juice. It was my favourite breakfast so far.

After we finished eating, I got Lauren to come with me to a (specific) shopping centre because Tim said he'd be there and invited me to come. I made a stupid mistake of finding the address of the wrong shopping centre and trying to walk 5km there. Lauren was not very happy.

Before reaching it, we gave up and caught the bus back. We went to a few stores to get souvenirs.

At 4, we met up with our tour group and went to the wedding. I couldn't take it seriously. The wedding was just entertainment for me. I only felt sad when the bride got teary during the vows. The couple is our age. They didn't even tell their parents. Not sure if they'll last but I wish them luck.

After the ceremony, we all went to some restaurant for the 'reception'. On the bus, Tim sat next to us (not his usual spot) which made me happy. We talked for a bit.

At the restaurant, I sat next to a girl who talks to Tim a lot. It's great how I'm not attracted to him but still like him. He's not my type because he gets drunk, has a tattoo and wanted to buy Cuban cigars (so there's a chance that he smokes).

After dinner, Tim, Lauren and I decided to go to the local amusement park. We started walking there. We got nowhere but the shady part of town. Usually I would feel a bit nervous to be in such a dark location but the fact that there was a 7 foot guy guy next to me created an illusion of safety. (Even though he seems big and scary, he's really a very soft guy so if anything happened, I probably would've had to save him.)

Lauren was walking so slowly that Tim and I always got far ahead of her and got to chat. It was nice. Starting to feel a bit too relaxed, I began to say irrelevant things and had to concentrate on stopping my weird side coming out.

Tim was saying how some people had already chosen who they were going to share a cabin with at our next stop (since it was quad-share). It sounded like he wanted to share with us but I decided not to offer because I wasn't sure if I wanted to share a room with a guy. Especially that my pyjamas are kinda girly. I waited for him to ask but he didn't.

When we realised that there was no way for us to walk there before the closing time, we caught a bus. When we got there, the rides were closed due to cold weather. Tim and I were annoyed that after so much trouble getting there, there was no point. Lauren was annoyed even more because she didn't want to go in the first place.

Tim caught a taxi back to the hotel because he was supposed to meet the girl that sat next to me at dinner because he promised her he'd meet her to 'talk'. I wonder what about...

Lauren and I caught a bus to the shopping centre that we were originally supposed to go to. I found some shoes I liked but couldn't decide on buying them snce there's not much space in my suitcase. I regret it now.

Ian finished his tour here but I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to him. He was a funny guy.

We get some new people tomorrow. Hope RG is one of them but not counting on it.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

To An Even Better Year

I feel so drunk and I don't have even a bit of alcohol in me. Must be the weather. (Actually, why does the weather get blamed all the time for everyone's state?)

Can't believe it's 2005 already! I remember when I was like in year 9, I thought that 2001 (the year I finished school) seemed so far away! I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like now. I could only think as far as uni because that seemed like the most exciting part of anyone's life - full of possibilities and constant fun and at the same time discovering new interesting things. And now it's all behind me.

It'd be interesting for my brother to start uni this year. I know he's going to have the best time because his personality is very appropriate - sociable but responsible.

Came home at almost 3am in the morning. Amelia, Kim and I saw the fireworks which were great. I was so happy to be there because when you're at home, you don't realise what you're missing out on. And the fact that I was with 2 people who I wasn't annoyed at made me happy to welcome the new year with them. And strangely enough, I didn't even care (that much) when all the couples started kissing. I was just happy that I had a good year and was looking forward to this one. Ever since middle of high school, my years have been improving. So 2004 was my best year.