Wonderful World

April shared this song with me. It describes perfectly how I used to feel when I was single and I'm guessing this is how April is feeling now.

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me

- Wonderful World by James Morrison

The Single Girls and Me

Last night I went out with April, her friend Ella and Ella's friend Liz (also Nadine's friend). Who would've thought I would know Ella through April and through Nadine (two completely different people). But anyway...

Ella and Liz were very entertaining, especially Liz because I didn't think she had one bit of self-consciousness and said things I only wished someone would say.

We went for dinner in a little square with lots of restaurants. Since we were still early, there were waiters standing outside trying to get us to come into their restaurant. And they were all very flirty.

When we were reading one menu, a young Italian guy came out and started chatting us up so we'd go in. Unlike April and I who would just smile and keep looking at the menu, Ella and Liz were getting quite friendly.

They asked if there was anything happening in the area on Christmas and he said he'll be working all through the night and he would feel a lot better if we came because he "would love to serve" us.

We ended up moving to the next restaurant where we were served by a strange Asian lady who said, "If you're not ready, I will come back in five minutes because that's my job". A few minutes later she came back and said, "Five minutes are up, what will you order?"

When it came to picking something, Ella was even worse than me. I'm usually the one who's indecisive, but she took ages.

As we were eating dinner (which was yummy), the same lady came up and started saying how she had to work for Christmas. Liz told her about a "cute waiter next door" who will also be working so maybe they could have a "pash" after work.

April and I were a little surprised hearing Liz suggest this to a stranger.

Then the waitress said, "I have to work past midnight, then my husband's going to pick me up at 3am, but I'll have some time to go over for a pash before then."

Later, the same waitress came to our table and said, "I'm 23 years old and I'm married. Girls, don't get married! I come home from work at 12am and have to do the cooking and washing for my husband. It's horrible! I don't even remember last time I've been to a club". Ella kindly said, "Well, you can say good-bye to that now!" Even though we all laughed, I felt pretty bad for the lady.

The waitress wasn't our only entertainment during dinner. Liz was going on about her new boyfriend. How she didn't like the language he spoke (POBian) and she told him never to say anything to her in it (which would really offend me if David said the same). She also said she hated his POBian friends because they were too "POBian". She also told him they had to talk to each other every day! I found this a bit stalkerish considering they only met a month ago (on a blind date).

Listening to her made me realise that I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I was never clingy, I never made David do anything, I never tried to change him (too much) and I was always interested in his background and culture. I mean wouldn't you want to find out more about the person you're dating?

But like I said, Liz is a little strange.

What I really enjoyed though was when they said, "Sky, you're the one with the boyfriend, give us your advice!"

Even though I liked the request, I don't really like to give out advice, in case I give the wrong one. I just go with my usual "everyone's different".

After dinner, we walked past another restaurant where one of Ella's family friends was having dinner with a group of friends.. And Liz waved at him. I didn't notice this so I asked, "When we go back, can you show me who he was?" and Ella was like, "Please don't wave again!" but of course Liz smiled flirtily and waved at him again. The guy probably thought she was into him. If only he knew she was doing it just for fun.

We went to a bar. We were sitting in a booth, chatting. I loved that Liz and Ella were so open with their private lives. I love listening to those sort of stories and my friends are usually quite closed off about that stuff.

Liz started to get annoying with her, "Sky, why hasn't he called me yet! It's been 2 days!" and checking her phone every two minutes. Her boyfriend was on a holiday with his friends so I didn't want to say, "Maybe he met some hot girl and have forgotten about you." Instead I said, "If it'll make you feel better just message him with a casual 'how's it going, hope you are having fun'". And she whined, "But why can't he call? Sky, you have a boyfriend, tell me!"

Since I wasn't psychic, I told her I didn't know. He could've been busy, he could've been waiting for her to call, who knows. There could've been a hundred reasons so rather than worrying about it, I told her to try and distract herself.

The distraction came in the form of a guy who apparently went out with their friends a few years ago. She called him over and told him this. This lead to the guy trying to guess who this girl was. He went out with a lot of girls because he kept guessing wrong and couldn't remember this person. But he did manage to ask if Ella had a boyfriend and if he could have her number.

Ella said no because firstly she didn't want to go out with someone who went out with her friend and secondly he was too immature. I could tell Ella really wanted a boyfriend because she was trying to explain (more to herself than us) why this guy was wrong for her. We didn't need convincing, he seemed like a player.

She was even friendly to another guy who just invited himself to sit with us. He was drunk but he asked Ella for coffee. She said no. Unfortunately since April and I were sitting on the other side of the table, we couldn't hear a word that was exchanged between the guy, Ella and Liz. All we could see was him taking over her personal space.

If I were Ella, I'd just ignore him but she actually kept talking to him and smiling. Seeing the way she was acting made me realise that no wonder all guys were going for her. Other than the fact that she's the type of girl most males think is hot, she was just so receptive and always smiling.

While the second guy was with us, the first one kept walking past us and staring. April and I decided he was jealous and wondering why he's been replaced.

If the second guy wasn't enough, we saw Ella's family friend (who we saw earlier) in the same bar. Liz didn't hesitate to wave at him again. A little while later, he came over too. He was a bit shy and didn't know what to say after the 'How's everyone?" greeting. The first guy was still pacing back and forth in front of our table, looking at the new guy. April and I found it really amusing.

Liz wanted to dance but no one else did. I would've if there was anyone else on the dance floor. I felt pretty bad about it because I knew what it was like to want to dance when no one else wanted to join you. I think she sensed my hesitation and tried to drag me because she knew April and Ella were lost causes. Since I didn't budge, we decided to go home.

In the car, after we dropped off Liz, Ella commented how even though there were a few guys, there were no good ones. Then she asked how David and I met. I told her the story and got the same reaction I always get, "That's fate". Then she said to April, "I guess we just have to wait for it to happen and nothing we can do now". I told her that you have to be open to opportunities, that's all you can really do.

It was an odd feeling being with these single girls (who reminded me so much of old myself - the frustration, the helplessness to do anything to control the situation) and there I was with a boyfriend. Just gave me such a peaceful feeling.

Ella asked if David had any single friends. So now I have two people to set up. April's already going to be set up with someone from David's work. Now I have to find someone for Ella. The good thing with her is that I'm guaranteed that whoever I set her up with will like her. She's impossible not to like. Now I just need to find the guy.

I told April that we have to invite Ella and Liz with us all the time because they just provide so much entertainment.

Relationship Education

I've been learning a lot of things recently and it's been getting harder to apply my pre-boyfriend thoughts.

Lesson 1: He Cares, He Cares Not
Before I started getting comfortable with David, I would worry that if I said I didn't like something about what he did (with good intentions), he would stop liking me. On Saturday I realised that if the other person likes you too, they worry about pleasing you just as much.

We were dancing at a club and every time I'd look into his eyes (to enjoy the feeling of being with him), he'd take that as his cue to kiss me. I told him I didn't want to be kissing at a crowded club, but he kept doing it (and not your innocent little kiss) so after about the third time, I got angry that he wasn't listening to me and pushed him back (not obvious to other people or anything, but hard enough for him to notice). He was surprised and said in an offended voice, "You pushed me!" so I told him in a really stern voice that I was serious and to not do that again. He said he was only playing, but I couldn't go back to my joyful mood because I started thinking how he was supposed to care about me and not continue doing things I asked him not to, considering he knows how I feel about PDA.

He picked up on my mood immediately. I thought he was going to get upset that I was acting like that but he got more worried that I might stop liking him so he started apologising and asking me if I was ok and if I wanted anything. I realised that now that he was clear that I wasn't enjoying his game, I needed to stop being upset and not ruin the rest of the night for myself. After some effort and David being extra sweet and nice to me (trying to make up for his earlier behaviour), I made myself have a good time.

Lesson 2: The Closer You Get, The More Vulnerable You Become
Since from the very beginning I was sure that David and I would never have a serious future, I always distanced myself from him. I didn't want to get too close to him and be totally open because that would only increase the hurt when we eventually broke up. However, David has this ability to totally draw me in. Ever since that day when he accepted that I never had a boyfriend and didn't make me feel embarrassed about it at all, I felt like I could be open with him without him using that personal information to hurt me.

Then when my urticaria started playing up once and he noticed my hands were getting red patches all over, he asked me about my 'allergy' (which I mentioned I had). I tried to blow it off because I didn't want to talk about health problems (because I didn't want to show any signs of weakness) but he just kept asking (even when I told him it was a long story). So I told him everything. It kinda felt good to talk about it because I don't talk about that with anyone. When I told him how painful it was to get the gallstone attacks, he just gave me the warmest hug and said how much he liked me the way I was (with allergies and all).

When he shared his personal information, I felt even more comfortable being open with him because I had his sensitive details as weapons for any personal attacks. (God, as I'm writing this, I'm realising that I shouldn't think in this way.)

So when I found out that the poem he sent me wasn't really made up by him, I was SO disappointed. I know he never said he made it up but I assumed he did because it related to me. All that time I was thinking it came from his heart, it came from some ad (advertising those numbers you can SMS to get a poem) on TV. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he didn't write it himself or that he paid $5 for it.

He said he didn't want to lie and say he wrote it. I told him I appreciated his honesty but I was just disappointed.

If I didn't start to feel too comfortable with him, I wouldn't feel so crushed about it.

Lesson 3: No Guarantees
I realised I'd rather spend the rest of my life with him than another 25 years alone and the rest of my life with RG. Because there is simply no guarantee that I will find that guy who would feel like a soulmate.

Doesn't mean I'm going to run to marry him but it's not definitely out of the question (in the future) like it used to be. Even though I've only known him for a few months, I've had the most deepest conversations with him about life. We talk so much (about everything) which I absolutely love. I don't even mind that we disagree on some things. Then, add a physical connection to the emotional and mental one and it becomes too good. The horrible original kiss has been replaced by many wonderful ones.

Last night I went to his house and he was changing his uni enrolment for the next session so I was helping him to decide what he should do. It felt like we were just friends hanging out. Then, we played chess. He looked so innocent thinking about his move. I was so distracted watching him think that I lost. It's weird how he can sometimes act and look so innocent playing chess or showing me a card trick (or figuring out my one too quickly) or checking his uni timetable and other times he turns into a not very innocent boyfriend.

How do I know that I would find someone better?

The Last Kiss

Did I even mention that I have the most wonderful boyfriend?

Today could've turned into an emotionally draining disaster, but instead left me light-hearted and relieved.

He asked me (in context) when was the last time I've kissed someone. I tried to brush it off and said, "A while ago" and he asked, "When?" So I said I didn't remember and it didn't matter anyway. Then, his face became all dark and serious like I've never seen before (which was actually quite sexy) and he said, "Why can't you tell me?" so without even looking at him, I mumbled, "Last year" and he said, "With who?" and I couldn't believe he was so interested in something so insignificant so I tried to change the subject, "Let's not talk about me" and he said, "I've told you so much about my past and we never talk about you. I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I want to talk about you. Who was it? Was it a one-night thing or something?"

"No! You know I wouldn't do something like that!"

"So, tell me. What's the big deal?"

"It's not a big deal. I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. It was nothing."

"If it's nothing, why can't you tell me? You don't trust me?"

"It's not that."

"Do you think I'll feel differently about you if you tell me?"

"No. Yes."

"Sky, what is it? Sky?"

Then, he was just staring at me with his dark eyes, waiting for me to explain but I couldn't even look at him so I just stared into space, hoping this moment would end. I didn't want to lie but I didn't want to tell him the embarrassing truth.

"Sky? Who was this guy?"

"No one! I'm serious!"

"Was he mean to you?"

"No! It's nothing like that."

Then I stared into space some more, while he stared at me. Then, he got up.

"Are you going?"

"Yeah. You can't even talk to me."

"Ok ok, I'll tell you!"

He sat down.

"You can't tell this to anyone, even your sister, or your Mum"

"What's between me and you stays between me and you."

"You're going to think this is really weird."

I glanced away from the very interesting blank space on the ground to see his face. I've never seen anyone more interested and serious and worried and anxious at the same time. When I told him that I've never kissed anyone before, I couldn't even look at him. As soon as I finished saying it, I got up and said, "Ok, let's go home now" because he would obviously think I'm too strange. Then I looked at him and he was smiling.

"That's it?" he said.

"You're going to think of me differently now, I know."

"Come here," and then he gave me the biggest hug.

"So, want to go home now?"

"No, I want to be with you."

"Are you going to treat me differently now?"

"Of course not. When I told you about my past, did you think differently of me?"

"No, you're still the same person"

"So are you. Past is past. I only care about the present and the future."

What a weight off my shoulders. I don't have to hide it anymore. He still likes me. And he definitely feels quite special. But so do I.

Did I even mention that I have the most wonderful boyfriend?

Forgetting Loneliness

I'm struggling to remember the pain of feeling alone. I want to talk to April about everything happening in my life right now but I just can't. She told me she's finding it very hard to deal with the fact that I can't understand what it feels like to never have a boyfriend anymore. I told her that it's not like I've forgotten, but today I found it difficult to summon those feelings again to remember what it was like. All I can feel is contentment that I have David.

I miss talking to April like we used to. I need advice about so many things to do with David but there's no one I can ask. I want to hear April's perspective, but I know that it's painful for her to hear his name 'cause it emphasises that she doesn't have anyone.

And she already stopped telling me about little things in her life. She mainly just listens now and doesn't share anything. It makes me very sad. I try to get stuff out of her and keep asking questions but I'm only met by short answers, like she's embarrassed to tell me about her trivial stuff. I was just like that with Nadine when she got her first boyfriend. I can't talk to David about it because April doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way.

The more I see/talk to David, the more I feel like I'm changing. It's like I'm transforming into a real adult. I really didn't expect my first boyfriend to get quite serious so very fast. Or maybe it's not that fast since I have nothing to compare this to. I mean, I've heard a thing on the radio when a celebrity (Andrew G) said, "It took us three days to pash!" like it was forever.

I asked David if he thought we were going too fast and he said he didn't, but if I felt we were, we should slow down. When he says such considerate things, it makes it hard to slow down because I end up liking him even more. I just can't seem to get enough of him. And the wonderful thing is that I can actually say that to him because he feels the same way about me.

Still Swooning

The memories of last night will sustain me till next Friday.

Amelia didn't end up coming because she remembered another party she had to go to. Can't believe she actually said, "If you want to escape your party, you can come with me". Like I wouldn't go to David's party!

But my friends not coming worked out to my advantage.

David: what happened to your friends?
me: Mike and Claudia didn't want to come. April had another party and couldn't get here afterwards. Another friend was supposed to come but canceled a few hours ago.
David: I'm happy you came.

*Head swoons*

While everyone was sittng at the table chatting, David and I were on the couch so that he was facing me and I was facing him, and the other people behind him. They kept giving us looks because they couldn't hold their conversation and kept running out of things to say.

We got talking about the weird circumstances in which we met. He said he doesn't usually talk to people at bus stops. I didn't say that I did. He said he was in a chatty mood that night. And he didn't know how he ended up asking for my email because I was a stranger to him. I told him how I was only there because I refused a lift from my friend and I wasn't even planning on coming that day. He said it was destiny.

*Head swoons*

(Yes, I don't believe in destiny but it sounded so nice coming out of his mouth.)

I didn't expect him to talk to me as much as he did. I loved talking with him. He is such an interesting person (even if not my type). I said numerous really stupid things which caused him to give me "I can't believe you" looks. I should think before I say things. But hey, he told me about stupid things he did before. He said that he was a different person 2 years ago. I'm glad I met him now though 'cause I probably wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the old him.

When he mentioned how he got clothes for his birthday and we got talking about that stuff, he asked me what I liked to wear. I told him similar to what I was wearing. He asked if I wore skirts. Told him it was too cold for them now. Didn't say I very rarely wear them. Like what freaking difference does it make if I wear skirts or not. Argh.

While we were chatting, he asked if I wanted to meet up next weekend "to see a movie or something". The party wasn't even over and he was already asking to meet up again. And it was supposed to be my turn. I was planning on calling him up during the week. You can imagine how happy I was he wanted to see me again.

He kept bugging me all night and I loved every second of it. At one point I asked him what he was doing 'cause he kept tugging at my hand and he said, "I just want to annoy you". He's one of the few people who's allowed to annoy me as much as he wants to.

When everyone except the 'dumb friend' left, I said I was going to go too and he was like "Oh, stay a bit more" and the 'dumb friend' (who from now on will be referred to as Miguel) said "Are we going to watch that movie we planned to?" and David said, "Nah, I don't feel like it. Let's just talk". I was so happy to hear him say that 'cause I didn't want to stay if we were just going to watch a movie. I said I'd stay till midnight. We were having such an engrossing conversation that I ended up staying with them till 12:30am. When Miguel was talking about how David met a girl at a cafe and she turned out to be horrible and David said, "You never know, some strangers turn out to be good" and he smiled at me.

*Head swoons*

When I saw his family pull up the driveway, I decided it was time to go. David said he'd walk me down to my car and Miguel got ready to come too but David said, "You don't have to come. Stay here." So when we got to my car and decided to organise our next meeting, I asked him, "What movie do you want to watch?" and he said he didn't care so I said, "Do you actually want to watch a movie?" and he said, "Nah, not really" with his cute smile in his eyes. That's perfect 'cause I didn't want to waste time watching movies when we could be enjoying each other's company.

Too bad I have no excuse to call him next week. Next Friday seems like forever away.

Just A Bus Guy

If I look at how I've been for the last few days objectively, I think how pathetic I'm being. Making a huge deal out of every tiny thing. Deep inside, I love having a guy to make a huge deal about. I conveniently erased all the things I don't like about him from my mind. You'd think he was perfect from how I've been going on about him lately.

On Monday, there's a couple in the class before mine who I find hard not to stare at. The guy is this really cute South American and the girl is a not very attractive red-haired, yet the way the smile at each other is adorable. It reminds me of David and me. Not the adorable smiling but something else. It reminded me of how on Saturday when at the end of the night, BG3 leaned his head on the table so I had a nice view of his his short black hair. I was looking at his hair when I saw some strange girl watching me look at his hair. I wonder what she thought. I saw a lot of strangers look at us that night. I hope they weren't thinking "What's he doing with her?" Hopefully they were thinking, "They make such an adorable couple".

Just want to see him. I don't know how I can wait another week. It reminds me of those TV shows that build up romantic tension between two characters for way too long. I can see this being like that. Or a dream where I'm about to get a boyfriend but just before I do, I wake up to my cold reality. Think I might wake up soon.

Wish I could erase him from my mind so I can go back to being numb to being alone. Because I can just feel disappointment about to happen without anything ever happening.

Sometimes I think that just by thinking so obsessively about it, I'm driving him away.

I don't even know him. Gosh, I don't even like him that much.

Ok, I can't even convince myself that anymore.

Plan: See David On the Weekend

Since just calling him up so soon made me too nervous, I decided to invite him out with my friends which would be more casual.

Step 1: Organise

I asked April on Monday if she was free. She was. The plan could go on.

On Tuesday I called up Claudia and asked her if she wanted to come. She said she was going to Mike's house on Saturday night and couldn't come. I said to bring Mike along and all of a sudden she agreed and said she'll come. That got me quite annoyed that she would only come if he was coming. Does going out with someone make you inseparable? I told her I'd call her later with the details. But I needed Mike to come so David would not be the only guy there. So everything was going according to plan.

I called up Christine but as usual it was impossible to reach her. Sent her a message and she replied that she wouldn't have any money left after Friday. The excuse of students. I knew it too well, even though it felt weird to hear her say that now that I'm working full-time. Was a bit disappointed but it's ok, I only need April, Claudia and Mike to come. Oh and David, of course.

Step 2: Confirm and call David to invite him

I called up Claudia to let her know the time and place but she didn't pick up. I messaged her to confirm she was coming. She wouldn't reply. I got agitated that she changed her mind and I would not be able to call David, something I was looking forward to all day. As the time was ticking away and it was getting late, I went to bed upset that I didn't get an excuse to call David.

Step 3: Think of a new excuse or hope Claudia replies with good news

After going through a relatively short phase of deciding he'll think that I don't like him since I didn't call and it was definitely my turn, I decided that this wasn't over yet and that it was my ridiculous thinking (that's evolved from never having a boyfriend and getting too impatient). I decided I'd call him next week and organise to meet up the following weekend, and since it wouldn't be so soon after last time, we wouldn't need to use friends as an excuse. We could just meet alone. Which would be perfectly fine with me.

Just as I was about to write about how much Claudia had changed from a sweet, always wanting to please, innocent girl to the opposite, when she messaged saying that she'd be coming, by herself. So I had my excuse to call (since I decided I could tell him that I thought Mike would be coming if he would be wondering why he was the only guy there) and instead of running to the phone, I got nervous. Was it too soon to call? I decided it was too late 'cause what if he decided to go to sleep early like last time and I'd wake him up? Didn't want to do that again. So I took the easy way out and... didn't do anything.

Just kidding. I messaged him. And he hasn't replied which leads me to believe that he might've really been asleep. Or he's avoiding me. That's my annoying thinking which I will try to postpone for a few days.

If he can't come, I would be fine with that because I don't know if I want him to come with me, April, Claudia and no guys. I just wanted for my turn to invite him somewhere be over so it can be his turn to make the next move.

So now it's his turn. The weight is off me.

Wonder what will end up happening. I predict he won't come.

Unemployment - Holiday

This week is starting to feel like the last week of a school term - more relaxed, less work to do, can leave earlier.

Even though of course I'm a bit upset that I will be unemployed next week, but for some reason I'm not as sad about it as you would expect. I'm kinda excited. Excited not only about being able to sleep in past 6:30am but about where my life is going to go. What new people I'll meet at my next job (which is most likely going to be some administrative temp work again). Will I decide to take the risk and do the film course? Am I going to stick to graphic design or find a job in something else? Lack of certainty can be exciting.

Just hope that my unemployment period isn't going to be too long. Which I'm pretty sure it will be but I don't want to think about that now.

Had to show the woman who's taking over my job how to use the program that she needs to know in order to design pictures. I gave her a basic overview and was about to leave her to it when she said, "But how do I make it look good?!". Now that was something I couldn't teach her. My manager later told her that maybe she should watch how I design stuff. I wanted to yell, "How about you just let me continue doing my job and she can do the other part of her role?!" Really have no idea how she's going to cope. She has never done graphic design in her life. And it's something you need practice in. I don't even want to remember the work I did when I started uni.

All day I was working like a robot. My fingers were doing one thing and my mind was completely somewhere else. Just remembering Saturday night was enough to get me through the day in front of the computer. Tried not to smile which was hard.

Yesterday when Andy and I went to our dance class and I was sitting on the train, he said to me "You look like you're trying not to smile". And the best thing is that he's actually interested in hearing me talk about BG3. He was telling me about the girl he's getting close with at uni. (He's quick.) I haven't decided yet if I like her or not. He said to me that it's weird how he always wanted a South American girlfriend and I always wanted a European one and it might turn out the other way around.

Also, was thinking how good it was that I started taking salsa classed because they really came in handy on Saturday. Who would've ever thought? Don't even want to think if I didn't even know the basics.

BG3 Improves Mood

Can't get him out of my head all day. Just keep seeing him in my mind.

Must repeat: crushes are bad. VERY bad.

Today, I had to go and pick up my grandparents because they were going to have lunch with us to celebrate Mother's Day. When I picked them up, I gave them a bag of some stuff and when we got to my house, it turned out my grandpa left it in the front yard while he was talking to the neighbour, so had to go back there and when we got to his house, the bag wasn't there. My grandpa got so grumpy and started saying that he wasn't in the mood to go back to our house. And usually his grumpiness would've irritated me but not today. All I had to do was think of David and nothing could ruin my mood.

Who's That Hot Guy?

Why is it that the later I go to bed, the easier I find to wake up early?

Got home after 3am today. Still a bit on a high.

Yesterday I realised that I do really care if this guy likes me or not because the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Or maybe I was just too impressed by his professional dancing abilities. Felt like an idiot trying to do my beginner salsa moves with him. Couldn't remember a thing. He didn't seem to mind and was twirling and spinning me all over the place.

Then when we went to another dance floor that had the usual music, I realised that I was so used to dancing by myself in a circle of friends all the time that I had no idea how to dance to club music with a guy. Another embarrassing thing to add my list. But it was better after I got used to it. A lot easier since there are no specific steps like in the previous one. Plus, we started doing silly moves and so the people we were with decided to pretend they didn't know us. I didn't blame them. We were being ridiculous. But having so much fun.

Also, I don't know how I didn't notice this before, but David is hot. He got a haircut and looked so much younger. And he was the hottest guy on the dance floor. I'm still puzzled how I could've missed that little detail.

His friends were totally cool too and I got along with them straight away. Whenever someone asked how we knew each other, I would just say uni (because I was paranoid one of them read my blog) but then David would add the "we met at a bus stop" bit.

David and I were also talking about how lots of people from uni that we know don't like to go out because they are always studying and we both agreed that there needs to be a balance between studying and having fun because these people will regret later that they wasted these years behind books. Finally someone agrees that studying is important but not everything.

Apparently he also got an award for coming first in a college course he did before uni. Intelligence is so attractive. Also it was good to hear that he was ambitious and had a career plan. It was like music to my ears. None of his friends that we were with had tertiary education but it was really important to him because he wanted to reach the top of his career.

Turned out he's really social too. The place we went to, he kept meeting people he knew every 20 minutes. But I guess you have to be social to meet someone (me) at a bus stop. He makes friends wherever he goes, yet he's not too loud and boisterous. He just has a really good attitude - 'enjoy life' type of thing.

Really must not start getting my hopes up because that's what ruins everything.

Thoughts on a Cold Morning

More from POBian radio:
"Too bad we had a fight because I was going to spend the weekend with you."

I don't know why lines like that really stand out to me but they do. They seem so genuine and full of heart, yet so practical.

I'm meeting BG3 tonight and his friends. I feel better knowing that we're going to be doing something I really enjoy. I'll be more relaxed. Hope his friends are not too intimidating. Must find something to wear. Something that looks like it's the first thing I picked out of my wardrobe but looks great. I love these sorts of problems.

Very soon I will have a different problem (the bad kind) - searching for another job. Next week will be my last at my job. Really don't know how they're going to cope without me because they already don't have enough time to do everything, even with me there. On Friday I came to work and my manager got me to do his presentation posters for him while he was getting ready to leave. When would he have done it if I wasn't there? Especially considering he was at work the whole previous night preparing his presentation.

Don't know how I'm going to find a better job. This one was quite fun and had a lot of variety, even though the facilities were really bad and since 90% of people smoked, the office always smelt of the disgusting fumes.

Can't wait till the dancing class. It was so cool to start level 2 last week. I saw the beginner's class 'cause Andy and I came a bit early and that class had twice as many people as our very first class. And there were only about 10% of girls without partners. Lucky. Although my class had twice as many guys as girls which was really great. Even the instructors were suprised.

It's funny how last year, I thought I was under some curse that would not let me go to any dance class and now I'm going regularly and even finished the first level. And it's the best mood booster. Even though I get tired right after work and don't feel like going anywhere, when I get there my energy just bursts. I end up wishing it was longer.

Tired

Feel weird talking to April about BG3 already. I called her tonight 'cause she messaged me in the morning to let her know what's happening on the weekend. When I called and told her, she got really abrupt and said she had to go and study. I felt a bit offended when she cut me off like that. I'm sure that it was just that she had lots of uni work and was distracted by that. But somehow it felt like she didn't want to listen anymore. I'm probably just being too sensitive. Got too used to having her always there to listen. The only person I could tell all the details to without being embarrassed. So it felt odd when she didn't want to anymore.

Called David afterwards 'cause had to ask him if he could pick me up from another place but when I called, it turned out he was asleep 'cause he wanted to wake up at 2:30am tomorrow to study. Who does that?! Everyone else I know usually stays up till 2:30am and then goes to sleep.

I'm so tired, I should go to sleep.

Too Far

BG3 called on Sunday. And I wasn't even expecting it. I thought he was going to continue the tradition of only calling on Tuesdays. But it's ok, I've forgiven him.

He said he wasn't sure what he and his friends were doing on Saturday anymore because his friends like to decide at the last minute and he wasn't even sure if they would be free. He suggested to meet beforehand and then meet them later. Totally fine with me.

When I tried to get him to meet in the City because that's about the middle for both of us, he said that the others would go out around his area. I got a bit annoyed that he couldn't get his 2 friends (who he wasn't even certain were coming) to come to the City. But then he started saying that it wasn't just those 2 friends. There's apparently a large group full of couples and he can't make them all go to the City. That got me so confused because at the beginning he said only the 2 guy friends were coming. Must be the language barrier.

When he asked if I could come and I said that I can, as long as I can get there, he told me not to worry and that he would drive me home, even though it would take him an hour. I hate to be such an inconvenience. Told him to just drop me off at a train station and he started laughing and said not to worry, he'll get used to it. Now, is it just the language problem again or did he mean he's planning on driving me many times in the future?

I hate relying on people for transport. He said there'd be no way to get home, other than taxi, at 3 am anyway. Didn't realise they were planning on staying out till then. If I was in the City, I'd be fine with catching a bus 'cause I've done that many times but there weren't be any buses in his area.

Don't feel too comfortable going by myself somewhere I don't really know with a guy I barely know and relying on him to get home. But I'm going.

When I said that my friend (April) only finishes work at 6 (the time we were planning on meeting) and if we should meet later, after a silent pause, he said "This is getting complicated... Don't worry about your friends. There'll be plenty of people. Just come yourself."

Hmm.

So April won't be able to come. And she was really looking forward to it. Makes me think of karma doing its rounds for all the times she cancelled on me.

Felt my own karma too when he thought graphic design was below his sister's abilities. Maybe that's how people who don't/didn't go to uni feel when I act condescendingly about it. Not that he said it in that way but when he was saying how his sister liked to draw/paint and I jokingly said that maybe she could be a graphic designer too, he quickly said, "No, she's going to be a lawyer" like he was deciding her future.

He was telling me how noisy his neighbours were 'cause they always had parties till early hours in the morning. And I could so relate, until he said "I wish they'd invite me. It looks like so much fun!"

In other news, my manager told me I only have 2 weeks left. I'm glad I got to make the most of this job. And I'm happy it went for longer than the planned 1 month. Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I'm thinking: check out all the film courses info again, apply to graphic design jobs anyway and call the temp agency for some temp work. Basically, everything at the same time and see what comes first.

The Perfect Store

Went shopping today. I love not having to save up for anything and working full-time. If I really want something, but don't really need it, I can still get it. Because what other reason is there to work if you can't spend what you earn? Of course I don't mean that you have to spend everything you earn but there's less of a need to be extra cautious about what you spend your money on.

Although I associate spending money on (almost) useless things with women who try to compensate for the missing parts of their lives with material things. How sad. Wish I could go and shop for a boyfriend.

The Boyfriend Store
salesperson: can I help you?
me: well, do you have any really intelligent funny ones?
salesperson: we actually have those in that corner over there. They seem to be very popular and selling fast.
me: I understand. Do you have any left?
salesperson: let's go and have a look.
me: what are those, falling out of the storeroom?
salesperson: the returned ones. We're told they're beyond repair.
[in a hushed voice] They don't even want to be fixed.
me: *gasp*
salesperson: that one even came with a free bonus
me: "Drinking problem included". How generous!
salesperson: we like to do what we can.
Are you getting one for yourself or someone special?
me: someone special for myself! I've had enough of giving others presents. They're never grateful.
salesperson: tell me about it! It's so hard to please anyone these days. Mother's Day is coming up and we still get unsatisfied mothers from last year. They say we ruined their lives. Doesn't the thought count for anything?
me: obviously not these days.
salesperson: so here we are...
me: ooo, I like that one!
salesperson: yeah, he's cute. Would you like to have a look?
me: can we actually open the box?
salesperson: of course! You can try him on in the fitting rooms to see if he suits you
me: great!
boyfriend: Sky, I've been waiting for you all my life
me: awwww... I'll take him!
salesperson: the 5 year warranty is included. If he breaks your heart, just bring him in and we'll give you a replacement of your choice, free of charge.
me: perfect
salesperson: how would you like to pay?
boyfriend: please, let me. I insist.

Ah, if only it was that simple.

Subconscious Talking

I dreamt that I met Max and he brought his girlfriend. She was blonde, short and kinda chubby with a friendly smile and not perfect looking but gentle. We met in some field that had his house on one side where there was a party going on. He looked really good. And smart. At first I thought it was his sister but then I saw that he was holding hands with her as he was coming towards me. He introduced us. Then some of his friends started coming to his party and as they walked past us, I realised his friends were the smokers from my tour in America. He was about to introduce me as his net friend but I gave him a look to stop the introduction. He looked at me weirdly. I asked how they met (he and his girlfriend). He said they met at a guitar class.

I kept thinking that at least David will have a uni degree but it didn't really help because Max looked so intelligent.

After a bit of an awkward chat we said final good-byes and parted.

What a strange dream to have.

He still hasn't replied to my email. I talked a lot about my wonderful job and graduating from uni. I wonder if he thought it was a way for me to put him down that he didn't go to uni or didn't have an intellectually challenging job. Although that wasn't my intent at all, I could see that it might've looked like that to him. But when I sent it I thought that if he got offended by it, it was because he had issues with it, not me.

Anyway, it's not like I'm still hung up on him. It's just that I'm so used to him being a ghost in my life that it will probably take time for him to completely disappear from my thoughts.

The Scariest in Life

Can't help but think that this time last week, I was enjoying myself with BG3. Maybe this time next week, I will be doing the same.

Although yesterday after my 'church experience', it became too clear that I could never have a serious relationship with him since he believes in God. I guess I could ignore that bit for now. I think I can ignore most things.

After the church concert last night, April and I almost got hit by a car while we were crossing the road (on green light!). The car swirled around from the corner, not even slowing down and hitting April's bag which totally freaked me out 'cause I thought it hit her side. I automatically (and stupidly) stretched out my arm to push the car back from her and ended up twisting it a bit.

My Dad later asked if I got the car's number plate but I was too shaken up to think of that. All I could think was if April was ok 'cause after I heard the sound of the car hitting April's bag (and I didn't realise it was just the bag), and she stumbled backwards, I thought she was going to fall over and that totally scared me because I would not be able to deal if anything had happened to April.

Last night I saw a girl who used to go to my school and she told us that one of my favourite teacher's son died in an accident while working for the army. Couldn't stop thinking about it because I remember how she used to tell us about being against him working in the army. Her daughter also did ODV with me when I was at uni so it's scary to think of what they must be going through.

Then, the singer from yesterday also said how one of his closest friends died when he was 22. I guess in this sense, religion would be comforting but since I don't believe there's another life after death, it scares me more than anything in life.

I'm Not A One-Time Wonder

He called he called he called!

We talked. I said, "Pardon?" more times that I think I have ever before. I'm sure his English will improve eventually.

We're meeting in 2 weeks. I can't this Friday. He can't this Saturday and he said Sunday is his study day.

Like it matters. We're meeting and that's the only thing I care about.

Work tomorrow should be fun :)

Judgement Day

Today would be the first day that would be a good time for David to call. I think that since I'm so anxious for my phone to ring, it will not. That's just a life law. The more you wait for something, the less likely it's going to occur.

Tomorrow I can start counting down how much time there's left for him to call, because by the time this week ends, I can be sure I won't see him again.

I hate my guy-obsessive nature. I should go and call Veronica or something to see how her new job is going. It would be a waste to lose contact with her. But of course, I have to think in my stupid way: what if I make plans to meet her and David calls and there won't be a convenient time for both of us to meet?

Doing this is almost like making him not call.

I spent all day at work thinking about scenarios with him in them to make my day more enjoyable. I won't be able to do that anymore if he doesn't call.

And no, I'm not calling him. I did that last week. It's his turn.

You know, he said that I didn't look South American during daytime. That's like saying that I only look pretty in the dark when he can't really see me. And I'm sure he got put off by the fact that I never had proper relationships.

I think I'll just make myself think the worst so the disappointment doesn't hit so hard. What happened to my non-caring if I see him again? Where did that feeling go?

Miss Uni So Much

I finished my beginner dance class! I'm looking forward to the next level, especially since Andy agreed to come with me. Might make him practise with me so I can impress David.

Oh, what am I even talking about. I might never even see David again. Silly me, getting carried away again.

So don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Can't believe how much I miss uni life. Well, actually I can. I remember I looked forward to going to uni, it was almost like going out 'cause it was so social. I did all the work at home.

Maybe David can call tomorrow and make me feel better?

I wish.