Wedding Jitters

Two weeks till I get married. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The countdown has begun.

I feel so stressed. I'm not even sure exactly why. Most things are coming together but I just wish everything could be done already so I don't have to think about it. Unfortunately that's impossible.

David is so relaxed which is amazing. He's the one who has exams, not me. He said stress doesn't achieve anything and of course I know that! One thing is knowing something and totally another to be able to do it.

Tomorrow is our ceremony rehearsal and I should get to sleep but I feel so restless. Thoughts just won't stop running through my head.

Am I making the right decision? Will I be happy? How can I be certain of anything?

I want to hear over and over again David explaining in detail, illustrating with examples why I will be happy with him. Only in my dreams.

Tonight he was reading jokes from some book to cheer me up and they were all really dumb which only annoyed me.

I'm so touchy these days. I told his Mum she won't be getting a place card as she will be sitting at the main table and she said, "That's discrimination! I want a place card". She was obviously only joking but I wanted to scream, "If you want a place card, make it yourself and sit with the other guests!" Did she even know how time consuming it was to make those cards?!

This is how bad I'm getting.

I'm starting to not even enjoy this process anymore. I should be having fun and being extremely happy but I'm too busy being worried.

I really want to relax a bit before the wedding but I guess any relaxation will have to be postponed to the honeymoon.

David said his perfect wedding would be to go from the ceremony straight to the honeymoon and skip the whole reception bit. Never thought I would say this, but that option is looking very appealing.

I'm also having the hen's night this weekend which doesn't even sink in. It seems like my friends are more excited about it than me. Hope the weather holds up for my outfit. I expected it to be very warm when I got my little dress. Now I might have to wear it with boots but that might make me look too slutty. April said you're supposed to dress slutty to a hen's night. When I showed David the dress, he looked very confused about how it should go on which made me laugh. He's so innocent sometimes.

Too bad my dance classes finished. I lost 3kg doing them which is a lot for me. I can actually fit into size 8 now. I hope I don't put the weight back on in the next week.

I might also mention that I found another makeup artist who will be doing my makeup on the wedding day. It was by luck but the trial went much better than the first one (where I freaked out so much when I saw myself in the mirror that I literally jumped). The second one at least kept my feature the same shape (which I strongly specified). The whole 'professional makeup' experience made me realise that I'm quite capable of doing my own makeup. Also, David kept saying that I didn't need makeup because I had natural beauty which cheered me up enormously. He's so sweet.

And for the biggest news, my grandma and aunty are coming from POB next Monday!!! I'm happy beyond words that they will be at my wedding.

Now, after this long post, I'm actually feeling a lot more relaxed. I forgot about the therapeutic benefits of blogging.

Friday with Future In-Laws

I got my salsa dvd! I can't wait to start! The end is bad quality, though. I wonder if it's the DVD or our dodgy DVD player. Need to try it in another one.

Last night went well. Dinner was really nice. My parents weren't used to such large portions and so much seafood but it all turned out ok. They talked a lot. Especially my Mum. I never realised how social and outgoing she was. Especially lately, I started noticing that she just makes conversation with anybody. People in the shops, on an escalator, on a plane etc. I don't remember her being like that before.

Our parents will never be friends but I know that they always be able to get along. That's all we can really ask for. We're both very lucky that neither of our parents have any issues and are easy-going.

After my parents and brother left, I stayed with David and we watched Prime. It was a refreshing romantic comedy. Not your typical Hollywood one. It was a realistic (as much as you can be in a film) story. A rare enjoyment. The only thing that that was a bit weird was the main actor looked too much like my brother.

Magic

I have traded my Saturday night and Sunday with David for Harry Potter.

It was my goal to complete the book this weekend before I'm exposed to people spoilng it for me. Unfortunately, I've realised that this challenge was a bit unrealistic as I'm not even half way through. To be honest I've started a little later than planned and did manage to go shopping in the morning.

I got a trendy dress which will look great with my boots. I was a bit indecisive about buying it as it will make me stand out at work. (The majority of my workmates are at least 40 years old and choose conservative comfort over fashion).

I've decided I'm only young once and will regret if I don't take advantage of my youth to be able to wear odd-looking dresses that are in fashion.

Oh, almost forgot. On Friday, David and I put a deposit for our new home!!! We both couldn't quite believe it. I felt weird giving most of my savings away. We celebrated by going to see Harry Potter. I found the movie a bit odd as it reminded me of some arty film with horror aspects, like the eerie music and lighting. Not quite as scary as I imagined when I was reading the book.

My brother bought himself a laptop. We are now chatting to each other on the internet, even though he's in the next room. Weird, the future of technology.

Ok, time to go back and read some more of my magical Harry Potter book.

Off to POB

In two days I will be in POB. I really cannot believe that tomorrow I will be flying there. Time flies so quickly.

Today was the first day I actually got excited about going. Before, it was more of a "I gotta see my grandparents because I don't know when else I can" but now it's like "YAY!!! I'm going to Europe!" And yay, I'm leaving the busiest time at work to enjoy myself while my manager and other worker scramble madly to cope.

I've also been told that Elaine is happy to take me out while I'm there and return the favour. I'm very happy about that as otherwise I'd probably be stuck with my Mum and grandparents. My cousins are not exactly the types to take me out to good places.

I'm a bit fearful of the danger factor when going to POB but I guess it's always scarier when you're not there. Going on about your life over there makes you not notice it so much.

Everyone at work was jealous because they wanted to go instead of me to one of the most interesting cities in Europe. The best part is that I will actually understand the language.

Things I'm most looking forward to are POBian food, television and radio (which I'll probably get over after a few days) and of course seeing my grandma who is absolutely hilarious. And maybe she can introduce me to some of her well-known friends.

One thing I'm a little bit annoyed about is that I had my second session of SPL yeserday and my legs have some rash on them which doesn't seem to be fading. I don't remember this side effect last time. And it's summer there! How will I go swimming or even wear anything shorter than pants? Anyway, I still have hope that it will go away in a few days as it's similar to the rash I used to get when epilating.

Beauty is pain.

There's this saying in POB which parents tell their kids when they get a scratch or a bruise, "It'll heal before the wedding". I really hope this heals before my wedding!

April is going to Europe too, straight after I come back so I won't see or speak to her for five weeks! That's going to be weird since we speak at least once every week and are always up to date with each other's lives, even the most miniscule details (e.g. "A guy sat next to me in the lab and he's talking really loudly on the phone. Now his friend came and they are talking really loudly together. Ok, they left.")

Not seeing David for two weeks will be weird too but we'll probably talk on the phone. His Mum told me to enjoy my time there and do lots of crazy things because David won't find out anyway! David wasn't pleased with her encouraging me to do things she was hinting at.

I'm disappointed David won't be able to meet me at the airport when I return as I always wanted to experience such a romantic scenario. Unfortunately his university decided to make him sit an exam at that time. Seriously, no considerations. However, he will come to the airport with me tomorrow and we can have a not very romantic good-bye. With my parents there (as April pointed out when I told her of the situation).

I still haven't packed so I better go and do that 'cause David will come over soon. Too bad he won't fit into a suitcase.

Oops!

Every time I think of what happened, I can't help but giggle.

It was David's birthday and his mobile rang. He looked at the last digits of the number and thought I was calling from work. He answered cheekily, "Hi beautiful!" but what he heard was, "This is Sky's Mum. I didn't hear anything."

Poor guy was so embarrassed. It could've been a lot worse. I see nothing wrong in my Mum knowing my fiance is so adorably sweet to me.

As Long as You're There

For the last few days, I have been composing blog posts in my head. Now that I sat down to write them, I can't remember the point of any of them.

David stayed over the last few days which was wonderful, even though he slept for most of his time here. Really hope he gets a new job so he can quit his current one. Then he can have a normal life again and we can spend weekends together.

We went to see an apartment yesterday. That was a new experience. I was a bit lost at first. I didn't know what I was looking for. Were there specific questions I had to ask? David was very confident, making comments like a proper grown-up.

You know, I woke up and thought that I was still 21. Then it dawned on me that I was actually a few years older. I told David this and he laughed, "Don't worry, baby, you will always be 21 to me".

I don't know why it's so hard to accept my age. I mean not that I'm unhappy to be 23 but it always gives me a bit of a jolt when I remember. Maybe 'cause I'm almost out of my early 20s now and the distance from my teenage years is becoming longer. Yet, inside my head, I still feel the same as I did when I was 19 or 20.

It makes me wonder if retired people or even middle-aged feel like their younger selves are stuck in their older bodies.

Maybe in adulthood, you physical body changes a lot quicker than your mental state.

I can hear David's voice in my head telling me to stop thinking too much...

On Friday, I didn't go to work 'cause I had to get my POBian passport. (The consulate only opens in the morning and since I had the flu, I decided to take the whole day off.)

My Mum went with me. On the train, she asked, "Can you believe you are getting married?" I think she was asking herself more than me. She said, "I never imagined you to marry someone from such a different background and culture. Did you ever think you would?" I didn't think I would marry anyone but I didn't say that. I told her his culture was actually not so different to ours.

South American culture is one of the few in the world that actually excites me. I mean, what's not to like? A focus on music, dancing and family, what can be better?

I haven't met any guy, from any culture, that was more responsible, reliable and yet able to have a good time (without any additional substances).

I haven't felt wierd about our upcoming wedding since the engagement. I think the initial fact that we were getting married made both of us a little anxious. Now that the novelty wore off, we couldn't be more excited.

April and I used to talk about how a wedding is the only really big exciting thing to look forward to in life. Although I never completely agreed with that, I did understand that there wouldn't be anything as fun to plan. Now I find myself looking more forward to after the wedding. Like spending time together on our honeymoon or settling into our new home.

When before, something like buying property seemed boring, now it's exciting.

I'm also really looking forward to being able to go out on weekends and come home together. I know that seems really insignificant but thinking about it really makes me buzz inside.

When I think about all the times with David that really stood out for me, they are always really low-key like talking while lazying around on his bed or pretending to dance in the kitchen. It's not the time we got engaged or when he asked me out. It's never a milestone.

I've also decided to calm down about the whole wedding planning even though the photographer is avoiding me after changing the original price and there's new confusion about which DJ to use. I'm just going to go with the flow and enjoy whatever happens. Same goes for the honeymoon (which also involves hours of planning and choosing from countless options, one better than the next). I'm going with David's view, "As long as you're there, it will be perfect".

I Want it Now

I'm sick of my Mum's pressure about David's and my future. Just sick of it!

She tells me everything I already know. She keeps forgetting I'm not the only one in the relationship. Wish David was simpler and didn't make such a big deal out of little things, but I can't change him. I'm stuck and it's making me very frustrated and upset.

I know I can never have what I've always dreamed of and even though I've accepted it, I still wonder why David can't make it happen. Yes, I've heard his reasons but they don't really make sense to me. And he knows it.

I try to stop the "why"s from surfacing 'cause they only upset me and no one else. I should be happy I have him, right? Other things shouldn't matter. But as we all know, once we have something, we want more. And more... and more.

My constant analysing creates doubt in what's going on. I try to block this doubt because I don't want it to be true. Then I get confused if this doubt has a real basis or if it's just a result of my over-thinking.

My patience has been tried way too much. I'm sick of waiting and not being able to do anything. I feel powerless. I can't get what I want and I don't like that. This is probably because I'm spoilt.

I've also just remembered how my Dad never gave me the POBian English dictionary of swear words. I found it when I was a child and made the biggest mistake by running around the house and saying, "Look, what I've got!" My Dad quickly took it away from me and told me he wouldn't give it back until I was mature enough. None of my begging and pleading made any difference.

Then when I tured 21, I told him that I proved to be old enough to read it and just wanted to have a look out of curiosity. He kept saying he forgot to bring it back from work. I confronted him about it and he made it very clear that he was never going to give it to me. You can't imagine how mad it made me. I kept pestering him but he never budged. (Don't think there's anyone more stubborn than him.)

It still angers me that he broke his promise.

Don't know where I'm going with this story other that I hate when I can't get what I want, especially when I've been looking forward to it.

The Residents of Old Life

Yesterday I visisted my grandparents.

They were telling me stories of people who lived in their building in POB. Some of them I've heard many times before but I never tire of hearing about POBian life before the 21st century.

The building my grandparents lived in was populated with artists. Musicians, actors, composers, painters, you name it. Before my grandma and grandpa got their apartment, they had to be interviewed to make sure they were the right calibre of people. My grandma said they had to show references from their managers. When they saw that both of my grandparents were engineers, they let them in.

I lived in that apartment until my brother was born and I visited many times after that. I still remember the pianist above us who would play late into the night, not letting me sleep. My grandparents said this pianist wasn't the only one who disturbed the quiet. In a different part of the building, there was a theatre actor who hosted parties after the plays, which would always run late into the night. People complained. The landlady was quite strict so usually people who didn't consider the comfort of others were dealt with.

I never liked this lady because she told off me and Ivan for building a cubby house in the bushes at the back of the house. She also told us off for annoying a group of girls who also played in front of the house. We never bothered those girls but they felt that we were using 'their space' (which was why we decided to move our play area to the bushes behind the house in the first place).

When my grandma said that there never was much trouble, my grandpa reminded her of the orgy that some girls had in their apartment with police evicting them and blood stains left on the walls.

I also remember when a very rich family moved in on the first floor. The girl was driven to school (5 minutes away) in a black limousine and guards never left her side. I saw the father from my grandparents' fifth floor kitchen window but don't remember the mother. I think the father was a diplomat.

These were just some of the people who coloured the landscape of that building's life in the late 80s. There was also a doctor who gave us check-ups when we were little and with whose kids we played, the ordinary piano teacher who introduced me to the conservatism of a music school, the old friendly high school Art teacher who got sick and died and a myriad of other people that will always be fragments in my memory.

Leaving on a Plane

Guess what everyone?

Next year I'm going to POB!!!

Don't know if David is coming with me. It's up to him. I know he wants to but it's the money problem.

I can't say I particularly want to go back there. There are hundreds of other places I'd rather go to but I feel like I should visit my grandparents who are not feeling too well.

Even though it's not my destination of choice, I'm starting to really look forward to it. A trip overseas is always exciting.

If David doesn't come with me, I'm going to go with my Mum who's going there anyway.

The trip wouldn't be long 'cause I still don't know what my job situation is going to be in a year. But I can't help but feel really excited.

And I always wanted to have an airport reunion with David. They always seems so romantic.

Before the Future

I've realised something in the last few days. Instead of concentrating on how much I miss being with David all the time and how much I can't wait to be together properly, I should enjoy things I wouldn't be able to when my dream comes true.

Lying in bed in complete silence, with no one snoring next to me.
Not having to be responsible for the household.
Living with my parents and brother.
Not having to compromise my way of living.
Enjoying the time I have alone to do things like blogging.

So from now on, I'll just enjoy my life the way it was for many years because pretty soon I will never have this again.

David and My Relatives

What a hectic and wonderful weekend it's turning out to be.

David came over last night and we went to the movies and then walked a bit on the beach. Seeing him made me VERY happy! I was so excited to see him that I even dressed up a bit (by that I mean I wore a skirt above my knees). He really appreciated it. He said, "You should dress like this more often so when we go out, people will think, 'Wow, she's hot!' and then they'll see you're all mine".

Girls can understand that when your boyfriend says things like that, your confidence shoots up. Even though obviously it's a bit shallow in a way that the guy sees the girl as someone to show off. In reality, who cares, it feels GREAT!

Anyway, I should stop gloating about something so insignificant to the future of humanity.

Today, we went to a BBQ for my cousin's birthday. He turned two. I had chocolate mud cake, even though I wasn't supposed to but man, it tasted sooooo good! Mmm... David played soccer with my uncles and some of their friends. I talked with all the young mothers. I used to never go to these sorts of things because they were so boring, but now that David gets invited too, I don't mind. I feel like I fit in more.

Jeanne (you might remember her as the sister-in-law of the POBian girl who came here a while ago) said to me, "You look really cheerful!" I wondered if I didn't look happy before David. (She met him for the first time today.)

Now David went to play soccer with my brother, my uncles and some other people. It feels great that he fits into that group.

Tonight we're going dancing with Claudia, Amelia (and her friends) and maybe Christine. Hopefully some of David's friends can come too. Should be fun. Hope he won't be too tired by then.

So hot today but it's a beautiful day.

More and More and More

This is what David sent me at work (but obviously not the work email.)

"I love you more and more and more".

Things like that just make my day.

Talked with him for over 3 hours last night on the phone. I guess when we don't see each other every day, there's just so much to say.

I told him of an embarrassing moment at work, and I'll tell you now.

During staff morning tea I was talking to the only girl my age. Everyone was talking around the table and it was quite noisy. This girl asked me if I was married. I said no. Then she asked if I was engaged. I laughed and said no. By this stage conversations started to die down. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her I did. Then, she asked me, "Do you think you'll marry him?" and every person (about 20 of them) became silent and looked at me. My face went a bright shade of red. I started talking really quickly while everyone listened. I think I said, "Not yet..." followed by an unnecessary explanation of him still being at uni. I tend to go on when I get nervous, as if trying to justify myself.

Another thing I never get around to writing about (and something that I thought was over) is that I have a stalker. I really thought she left me alone but today she emailed me. Why can't this woman leave me alone?? David said she was seriously creepy and I should stay as far away from her as possible.

At first I thought I was just imagining this creepiness but David reaffirmed my feelings. April also agreed. David said he was worried this woman was trying to get me into some cult. Although, I doubt she would be part of a cult, it seriously worried me how persistent she was.

I guess my friendliness at the beginning gave her the completely wrong idea. Both April and David advised me to just cut her off. Not answer her calls or emails. Ignore her completely. Which is what I did. And look, she emailed me again anyway!

Can you guess which woman this is?

I thought she was a friendly interesting person to keep in touch with but now her friendliness is too much because it's bordering on stalking. I mean, what person keeps calling you even if you tell her you're not interested in what she's telling you and never call her yourself. I mean, I barely know her and she calls me more often than my best friend. And why would you keep calling if the other person never calls you? She also seems to think I need my life improved and she knows exactly how.

I told her I was completely happy but very busy and could not help her with her project. So she said, "You should go to [blah blah] and then you can sort your life so that you're not busy".

I mean, what do I have to do to get rid of her? I really don't want to be mean and tell her how I'm sick of her contacting me. You never know how she will react. She'll probably think I have issues that need to be helped. I already told her that I would be very busy indefinitely and if anything changes I'd let her know. Shouldn't that be enough?

Anyway, I will not get agitated over this predicament. Just hope it passes.

Went to visit my grandparents today after work. It was nice to chat to them. It was easy to imagine I was talking to someone not a lot older than me but from a different decade. I see so many old people around and there's no one quite like my grandma. She's almost 84 but her mind is as sharp as a 50-year-old's. First thing she said to me was, "So tell me something juicy," with a sparkle in her eye. I wonder what her secret is to keeping her youth for so long. Is it genes? Optimistic and easy-going outlook on life? Whatever it is I hope I have it too.

Grandpa is also great. Although he does look his age, he's got the best sense of humour. Really sharp and witty. Keeps teasing my grandma constantly. It's funny watching her blow him off. I can so imagine them in their 30s like this. Maybe the key to a long and healthy life is a happy marriage.

They don't really socialise anymore, mostly due the language barrier (they don't really speak English) and because they say they're too tired to travel to see their POBian friends. However, they are always entertaining each other. They talk all the time, cook together, play chess. I hope I can have the same relationship with David. David, by the way, loves my grandparents. He actually said he was jealous that he didn't have ones like that.

So yeah, I had a good time at my grandparents'.

Future Present

Practical Dad: When are you and David moving in? You'd save on petrol.

Mum: when you and David are married...

The above I hear on a constant basis. I know where my 'getting carried away' gene comes from.

I don't know if my parents enjoy teasing me about David and our future or if they truly believe it's going to happen.

After I told my parents to stop with their assumptions, my Mum said, "If you are not planning on marrying him, what are you still doing with him?"

Is it hard to understand that even though I really do see a future with David, I don't want other people talking like it's 100% going to happen. Maybe subconsciously I just don't want them to jinx it (yes, my subconsciousness is a little superstitious).

Lately I've been thinking that things have been going too well, something is bound to go wrong. Don't know what but thankfully that thought hasn't taken over my life.

Another thing I noticed if that even though I'm quite an irritable person (any sign of immaturity, loud chewing, heavy breathing etc. always got on my nerves), with David, I just turn a blind eye on these things. If another person did what David does sometimes, I wouldn't tolerate it but with him, I manage to ignore this stuff. Love has messed with my nervous system... and head... and pretty much everything else.

Evil Thoughts and the Usual Topic

I have evil thoughts. I don't know if it's stress or frustration. But I feel horrible for even thinking some things.

I had an evil feeing of excitement when there was a possibility for a couple to break up. Not my friends but still. I'm trying to excuse this thought by thinking that I don't really know this couple and maybe to me it's like wanting characters to break up in a film, for the juicy consequences.

I've also been getting really emotional lately. I feel like there are buckets of water just underneath my eyelids, waiting to spill out.

I'm pretty sure it's work stress. I keep reminding myself that at least I have a job. But it's scary to think that the project I'm working on might fall through and I will lose all chances of having my contract extended. It scares the hell out of me.

I should be doing work now but I feel so tired.

I miss David. He came over on Friday night and stayed over till this morning. I just love him so much. And I know he loves me too. He did this really touching and spontaneous thing that almost made me cry.

He also said that he wanted to spend his life with me. We even planned when we'd buy property and when we'd go to Europe. We talked about kids and weddings. A while ago he said he had always imagined he'd get married in a church and how he and his sister talked how she'd be the 'godmother' to his kids but now it wasn't going to happen. I said, "Sorry, but no". And he smiled and said, "Anyway, I have something much much better than that".

On Friday night, before David came over my Mum asked me, "So when are you getting married?" I told her not any time too soon. Then we got talking and she said how love can make people blind. I asked her if she thought I was being blind about David. She replied, "If I thought that, your Dad and I woud've thoroughly cleaned out your brain a long time ago."

I asked her what she thought of him (just out of curiousity). She said, "There's nothing obviously wrong with him. He's kind, he's smart, he's polite, respectful. Just the different culture thing." I said, "So the only negative you can think of is that he's not POBian?" Well, that's great!

On Saturday night, David and I were chatting with my brother. He was talking online to his friends, while David gave him advice on girls. It was hilarious.

D: Man, you're too slow. Just ask them for coffee.
A: I don't really like any of them that much
me: you know tons of girls, how can you not like any?
A: well, there's this POBian one [showing a photo on the computer of a girl who knows she's hot]
D: she's alright
A: she does drugs. Or did drugs. And likes to get drunk
D: man, delete any photo you have of a girl who does drugs, gets drunk or smokes. If they do drugs, you can get into a lot of trouble just knowing them. If they get drunk or smoke, they're weak! Man, come on, you don't need one like that. You need someone smart. Otherwise, you'll get bored.

I thought I was listening to myself (minus, 'man' this and 'man' that). I didn't even need to open my mouth because his was speaking for me.

You know, I always start writing thinking I'd write a really sharp and short entry that's straight to the point but then I go on a tangent about David and my entry becomes a blurry mess. I guess that's how my brain is right now. Maybe I should rename my blog to "How I Love David, and Other Bits).

On another different tangent, I've eaten a lot of rubbish on the weekend. It was very delicious rubbish, nonetheless.

From next week, Amelia and I will be going to dancing lessons which I'm really looking forward to! I desperately need some exercise and learning a new type of dance is always exciting. And of course catching up with Amelia on a weekly basis would be just excellent.

And you know what, there will be zero guys at this dance class. That, I'm 100% sure of. And I couldn't care less. Because I already found the guy I've always wanted. And not interested in the slightest of meeting someone 'better'. I know there's no one better. You can't have better than the best, now, can you?

There I am again. What can I say? Seeing David only on the weekends is just not enough. Even if we do speak on the phone every day. Just not enough. It's never enough. I seriously don't know how I'd be able to function without him. Even when I get annoyed at him, I never feel like I just don't want to see him. I'd be angry at him and all I'd be able to think would be that I want him to give me a hug.

I want to marry him. Not because I've always dreamed of getting married at my age, but just because I want to be with him ALL the freaking time. Is this bad? Is this wrong? Is this crazy? If it is, I don't care. I've never been happier.

Our Own Little World

My Mum drives me crazy. I wish I was back at P.S. with David. Just the two of us and no one else for miles. David said, "Let's escape together, forever" and honestly that was the best suggestion I've heard in a while. Of course we'd both never do that but it was a nice fantasy. I said, "Let's" and he said, "Are you serious?!" and I said, "Yes," and he said, "Really?" and I said, "I'm as serious as you".

Although we won't be escaping anywhere, last weekend was a nice pretend.

When I got home, my Mum said, "I missed you!" and then she said, "Did you miss us?" I didn't tell her I didn't. I was perfectly happy and didn't miss anything, other than David and he was right there.

Today, she started snapping as usual which really puts me on edge. How can I miss that?!

All I miss is David David David. I know he misses me already too. He sent me a message saying so - I can't stop missing you.

April told me Christine and Evan are moving in together next month. That shocked me. I know they've been going out for years and this was inevitable. I just still can't believe that it's really going to happen. The first out of my friends to make such a big step.

Told David and he said it was not such a big thing. They have been going out for 6 years now. I guess I just always took Christine's words that she wasn't sure about having a future with Evan for real. Out of all people I should know better.

David said he thought Claudia and Nick would be next. I was watching Desperate Housewives when he called (from work) so I didn't ask him to elaborate on his prediction. I mean, Claudia and Nick only started going out a few months before us so why should they be the next ones? Does that mean they will move in together next year? That seems so soon.

Funny I should say that actually because when David said we could get serious at the end of next year when he finishes uni, that's like forever to me.

I guess it's hard for us since neither of us has a secure job. My job might finish at the end of this year and I don't know how long it'd take for him to start working full-time. I wish he was done with uni already. Why did he decide to change careers so late? Anyway... At least I found him, right?

You might remember how I mentioned that he wanted to name his kid after his real Dad but I really didn't like the name. Well, this weekend I asked him what he thought of middle names. He said he'd go for anything I was happy with.

We had a fight too. Over who would make lunch. We both wanted to make the sandwiches with the canned tuna and tomatoes that we had. We compromised. He put the tuna on the bread. I cut the tomatoes and put it on the tuna. It was the most ridiculous scene with both of us making the same sandwich.

He insisted on washing up. I insisted on making fruit salad. It makes me smile that we argued over who would do the work for the other.

We saw Take the Lead. Then we got back to our cabin and practised all the moves David remembered from the film. He remembered all the cool ones. There was this scene where one character said that dancing took her away from everything. That's exactly how I feel about it. There's nothing else that erases all the thoughts from my mind and lifts all the stress.

David talked in his sleep. He kept saying how beautiful I was. He didn't remember saying that when he woke up. I wonder if he says that when he's sleeping at home, hugging a pillow or something.

I miss him so much already, I might explode. And even though it's holidays, he's working all nights till Thursday so I can only see him on Friday. At least we can spend the whole weekend together. We're going to go dancing. I always get in the mood to dance after watching dancing movies.

I wish I was moving in with David. I wish I was getting married. I wish for him to be next to me forever.

Behind the Curtains

How is your weekend going? Mine has been very well. No studying, no work. Can't complain.

Saturday night, went to David's house. When I got there, he started whining that his assignment wasn't working. So I sat on the edge of his bed while he was in front of the computer. He started talking aloud about what he was doing while I pretended to be helping.

(e.g.
him: if this should be [terms terms terms], then this should equal to [numbers numbers numbers]
me: yeah, exactly
him: ohhhhhhhhh, I see, this should really be [terms terms terms] which balances [terms terms terms]
me: precisely
him: this is excellent! It works!
me: yeah, that's excellent!
him: it was just that number
me: I know!
him: thanks! I've couldn't get this for an hour
me: glad to help. You know me, I'm an expert in finance.)

Then he made dinner for him and his sister, since his parents were out. He didn't know where they were because they didn't even tell him they were leaving. Not long ago, my Mum gave my brother a whole speech on why he should let us know when he's going somewhere so we don't think he's home when he's not.

His sister was in her room watching some foreign sitcom. She acquired a new piercing since I've last seen her. Later I realised it was a fake lip ring. This girl and David couldn't be more different. She's very arty and he's not. She's so rebellious and feisty, it makes him look like a doormat nerd. But they get along. Which is all that matters I guess.

We watched Prison Break. It's funny how that's like our 'little thing', a habit. When watching, I noticed how many huge guys there were. I mean seriously 'huge'. How do people grow to that size? Makes me feel really tiny.

There were a few moments when I felt so happy, I wanted everyone to know what David said to me. But at the same time it was personal and would seem like I was boasting. So all that energy that I have from wanting to share, goes back to David. Which I guess is a good thing. I just feel so extrememly lucky, I'm beyond words. If all that pain of being single for so long meant that I would have David now, it was all WORTH it! Can you even believe I'm saying this now?

I even had this vision that this was all a bit like looking at a stage with closed curtains. Behind those curtains was your future. When the curtains opened a little bit, there was nothing there so I thought that my future was going to be empty, when it was just that the curtains weren't open completely. David was behind the closed part. Now the curtains opened wide enough to reveal him.

On the way home, I picked up my brother from the station. He's so lucky to be the younger child and have me pick him up late at night when he wants to drink and can't drive. My parents would never wait up for me past midnight. I was a bit annoyed at having to wait for him for 25 minutes so I didn't care about asking him for gossip. Even David called worried that I wasn't home (since I prank his phone when I do).

On Sunday when I got over that, he told me a bit about what happened. He's met the 'perfect' girl. Amazing for Andy to describe someone like that. I urged him to tell me more. When he started with, "She was sooooo hot!", I lost interest. If that's the first thing he can think to say about her, it's his hormones talking and not his brain. He said that she was also nice and smart. That's all great, but that's not what stood out in his subconscience.

I mean, one of his close girl friends (who everyone thinks he should go out with), he describes as "really friendly and fun", "great person" and then also "very cute". That shows that even though she's pretty (which she is in the photo), he likes her more for her personality. This is the girl he doesn't want to ruin the friendship with.

So now, I'm a little suspicious of this really 'hot' girl. I guess we'll see what happens.

Went into the City with my Mum to go shopping. It was nice to spend time together. Although she started telling me who out of her friends she wanted to invite to my wedding. I told her, I wasn't getting married yet. She was like "I know, but we're just talking". Also told her it wasn't going to happen soon. She was like, "Why wait?" It was weird how I was taking the opposite side of myself. I was telling her, "Why rush, I'm still young. A few more years won't make much of a difference". Amazing. With David I'm the opposite. I don't want to wait. I'm not that young. A few more years is way too long.

My brother is the opposite. When he told me how my Mum was having a similar conversation with him, he was like, "I want to get married soon" and my Mum tried to talk him out of it. Told him he should work for a few years etc.

My poor mother. Andy and I are not good for her nerves. Which are not that strong to begin with.

In the evening, my Mum's friend came with her son (who's 20, I think). I swear if I was younger, I'd have the biggest crush on this guy. He's not 'hot' but he's got this really serious intelligent aura with a sense of humour, as well as a typical POBian look (tall and blonde) which makes me nostalgic. Plus, he speaks POBian, which is always a bonus.

We all chatted together - adults, kids - it was great. Wished David could've joined in but he wouldn't be able to understand anyway. He called later, sick of studying. I told him it was going to be over soon anyway. We both can't wait till his holidays when we can spend more time together. We can have our talks (which I guess we do anyway) and go dancing (which we've only been doing to the radio (not that's any less fun, just different). I guess it'd just be nice to see him more than once a week.

Today, a POBian woman from my Mum's work is coming with her husband and her 15 year old daughter. I met them once, at a show. The girl seemed really nice. A bit young for my brother though...

Love long weekends.

Life Satisfaction

David watched soccer at my house last night.

When he said he didn't want to watch it by himself, I jokingly said he could come and watch it here. He seriously replied, "I was actually thinking of doing that. Can I come at 11.30?"

I warned him that I wasn't planning on staying awake till 4am watching it. He said he didn't mind. Then he talked to Andy and they agreed to watch it together for a little bit (since Andy had to go to work at 8:30 today).

My parents were surprised that he'd want to come that late just to watch soccer, even though I'd be asleep. My Mum asked, "Doesn't it scare you to imagine living with him for the rest of your life?" I was a little offended she asked me that. Why should it scare me that he wants me to be near, even if I'm not keeping him company?

So at 12am, Andy, David and I were on the couch in front of the TV. I was in my pyjamas, falling asleep. David didn't seem to care. He said he just really missed me. I missed him too but I wouldn't go to his house at 11:30pm if I just wanted to watch something on TV that he wasn't interested in.

I didn't really fall asleep but I did drift off a couple of times.

In the morning, David didn't want to go home and study but I made him. Didn't want him to regret not being ready for exams. I'll see him tonight anyway.

After he left, Veronica called. We talked for a while. That girl is very... unique. She founded a non-profit organisation to help refugees start small businesses. She said they were going to publish a book with refugees' stories and then make a short film or a documentary with all the profits going into funding these small businesses.

When I mentioned that I worked on some films last year, she asked me if I'd be interested in helping out with this film, like a consultant. Of course I said I would. I was about to offer to help out on the book and promotion of the organisation but then realised I might not have that much time. Helping with the film would be great fun so I'd find the time for that. It also sounds like a great project to work on. David would be pleased I'm interested in the 'community'.

She also invited me to some forum that helps you to achieve your dreams and fix problem areas in your life. I said I'd let her know if I'm coming. That's just not my thing. She really tried to force me to come, even promising that I would take something out of it. Not sure. Might consider it.

She said that the forum helped her realise that her current job "wasn't consistent with [her] dream of becoming a millionaire" which was why she was only looking for jobs that would offer her $80 000. Gosh, I'd be happy with just getting to stay at my temp job permanently with my current wage.

My goal is not to become a millionaire. My goal is finding excitement in what I do (career-wise and otherwise) and having my own family, as well as good friends. Having stable finances to support my modest lifestyle and which would allow me to travel once in a while would be great too.

I don't really want anything else. I'm happy to have David want to come to my house at 11:30 just to be close to me. I'm happy to hear my brother have his 'verbal exchange' with David. I'm happy to come to work and be excited about what I'm doing. These things don't seem much, but they are everything when I remember how hard it was for me to achieve them.

Give Your Soul Away

[Read full post here.]

My brother got home at 6am today which could only mean he had an interesting night. He filled me in on all the gossip with his friends. I swear, they have more drama than The OC. There was a love triangle. One girl found an improved version of her ex (who is totally in love with her) and brought him along. The ex was distraught. They only broke up 2 weeks ago. Andy said that in year 11 when he asked his friend how he felt about the girl and this guy shrugged and said, "I don't know, marriage?" And now this girl broke up with him (several times) and he's still pining after her. It didn't help that the new guy she brought along was a 'great' guy. As Andy said about his friend, "He gave his soul to her" (i.e. fell in love). I'm a little worried Andy is becoming so cynical about love.

Then one of his girl friends who loves Andy "as a friend". I mean, she calls him "Anie, my bestest guy friend" and rings him almost every day. Don't know how he puts up with it. Actually in the last few weeks he's been ignoring her because he said he's really tired of her. Then he said that last night "she was so hot! She had this short skirt and boots and her hair was all curly under her beanie. All the guys were staring at her. Man, why does she have such an annoying personality?" I said, "Life's unfair" and he said, "At least the others didn't know what she was like and they thought we were together because she kept holding my hand". I said, "You are such a user" and he said proudly, "I know". What a show-off.

Andy also saw his ex. Remember the girl I didn't like? Well she was there with a guy she started going out with as soon as they broke up. He said she didn't even say hello but he didn't care. He said it was because he didn't give his soul away to her. Thank God for that. Hope he can find a nice not self-righteous girl to 'give his soul to".

If you are wondering why I'm blogging about my brother's social life and not my own, it's because nothing even close to exciting happened at Claudia's party.

April didn't come, as expected. She knew she was going to be sick since Tuesday. I was feeling pretty bad too but I took drugs and came. David got a little bossy with his "Don't eat the ice cream cake. It'll make you worse!" I was like, "Please! I'll be fine. I'll eat slowly," and he was like, "I did that once. I thought I was feeling better but then I drank cold juice and the next day I got worse". I ignored him. He was starting to sound too scarily like my Dad. I told him that in the hope of freaking him out but he just said, "I just want what's best for you". So then he reminded me of my Mum.

He also refused to let me pay for him. I'm getting money now and I don't mind paying for him once in a while since he's a student and needs all the money he's earning for the daily things (like the expensive petrol to drive to my house).

Got home pretty early because the Cold and Flu drugs started to wear off. David stayed over. We talked a lot. I got a bit emotional because I wanted to know what was happening with us and more importantly 'when'. Why do I have to be so impatient?

He said we can start looking for a place in the middle of next year. That's what I wanted to hear. He also said that if we can't afford to buy, we will rent and not wait till we have enough money. Another thing I wanted to hear.

I told him I felt like he was being pressured and would only do it because I wanted to. I said I wanted him to want this himself. He said he just wanted to be with me. That was all he wanted.

I have given my soul away but I knew he'd keep it safe.

Our 1 Year Anniversary

What do the following events have in common?

1. Starting uni
2. Going to America
3. Last Friday

No idea?

I've been really looking forward to all of the above for a while and now they're all gone.

Friday and yesterday were amazing. I wish I could have them over and over. But I shouldn't despair. As long as I have David, I'm sure I will have many more moments like these in the future.

I won't bore you with details but just describe it in the following words.

-Delicious dinner
- 4 and a half star free hotel room overlooking the city and the water with a free very yummy buffet breakfast
- David David David David David

That was Friday night and Saturday morning.

Even though David said he'd leave in the afternoon, he ended up staying with me till after 9pm. We went to see The Da Vinci Code. Was a bit long and I was disappointed a little with Tom Hanks. Unlike many people, I was very excited when I heard he'll be playing the main part. I expected more from him. The movie was still enjoyable though.

(David used to be part of the Opus Dei and he said it wasn't exactly like in the movie.)

Afterwards, we went to my house where Andy took advantage of him and made him help with his homework. We watched some TV and ordered pizza (which we have never done before). Haven't had pizza in way too long. It was so nice. And not just because we didn't have lunch (due to the filling breakfast).

Talked some more and it was time for him to go. Won't see him for another week now as he has to study for his exams.

Can't believe this weekend has almost finished. I want to be back in the hotel with him telling me I was beautiful, hot and could be a model. I just want him him him.

He asked me, "A year ago, did you think we'd be here now?"

How could I have even given that a thought? I would've been happy with even a few months together. This relationship has exceeded all my expectations. And I hope it continues to be that way.

Fight with Mum

I had a pretty bad fight with my Mum yesterday. So bad I couldn't concentrate on doing my work. So bad I wanted to cry and go to sleep. So bad I wanted to move out as soon as possible.

For those of you who don't know, my Mum and I have a love/hate relationship. Some days I feel like life would cease to exist without her and other times she inspires anger I never knew could be conjured up within me.

When David called after work, I didn't tell him straight away about having the fight. I just kept whining. He told me to stop whinging. Then I told him how I had a fight with my Mum. He asked what happened and I told him I didn't want to whinge. He said he wanted to know.

Unlike usually, I didn't want to tell him the details. I thought that unless you knew my Mum pretty well and lived with her, my side wouldn't sound too correct. I sort of told him a bit but then just said I didn't want to talk about it because I had a lot of work to do and I was tired (which was true). He said, "Well, any time you need an ear, I'm here. Remember, I'm your ear!"

I wish he really was my ear so I wouldn't have to listen to half the things my Mum tells me and get hurt. Although I wouldn't want to put him through it either.

Today, my Mum sort of apologised (i.e. she offerred to do something for me that I couldn't since I didn't have much time). I decided to also pretend that yesterday didn't happen.

I'm sensitive enough as it is, I don't need my Mum to exploit that so that she could feel better.

(Sometimes I worry that she will be even more diffucult as she gets older.)

God, I miss David.