Reconnecting With Nadine

I was chatting to Nadine online and as usual we were running out of things to say because we were chatting about the boring things. That is, until she asked me what I was doing tomorrow and so I said I was seeing David. She asked who that was and I said my boyfriend. Then, the conversation got much better. We talked about romance and how neither one of us is into the typical stuff.

Nadine (about her boyfriend): his Mum told me he didn't have one single romantic bone in his body and I was like "Thank God!"

I'm getting used to David's acts of sweetness, though. It's not making me as uncomfortable as I expected.

Anyway, I guess it's great that Nadine and I are finally able to relate to each other about the only thing we've ever had in common - our interest in guys.

Smoke-Free

I absolutely cannot wait till this weekend. Not just because I get to see David. And not just because we're going to go dancing on Saturday. And not because there's going to be a party for the film crew.

I can't wait because it's going to be the first weekend when I won't have smoke in my clothes and hair after going clubbing. I will be able to enjoy clean air while dancing and talking and I won't have memories of it in fumes absorbed in my clothes.

I haven't been as excited about this for ages.

Sickness Causes Job Rejection. Test: How Much You Care

I can't believe it was only supposed to be my third day at work and I'm already taking a day off. I don't know how I caught the flu 'cause it came on really strong and really fast. Couldn't sleep at all last night because my throat felt like it was on fire so it even hurt to cough. I'm pretty sure I had a fever because I could just feel my body heat up, and it was apparently quite cold. Don't remember the last time I had such a strong flu.

And of course I had to get it at the worst time. Even though I lost my voice on Monday night, during the few minutes (on Tuesday morning) when it felt a bit better, I called up one agency regarding a really suitable job position but that agent was busy so the receptionist told me she'd call me back. A few hours later, she rang me back but I completely lost my voice and couldn't even say hello. She left a message to call her back to talk about my application. I was trying to calm down by telling myself that I'm sure my voice was going to come back soon and I'd call her. However, after lunch time, I've accepted that I would just have to call her the next day because any voice I'd be able to master wouldn't create any preferable impressions (especially since the position involved some reception work).

When I got home last night, I checked my email to see if she'd written me anything and guess what? She sent me a rejection letter that afternoon. I was disappointed beyond words because I knew I was really suited to that job and would've had a chance (at least at an interview) if I'd spoken with her directly. I'm sure it was because I didn't get back to her, which definitely didn't create any positive impressions. And the receptionist who answered my call could've told her that I sounded weird (since my voice was all hoarse and I couldn't put any friendliness in it 'cause I was struggling to talk).

Must get over it. But can't help be very disappointed.

Test: How Much You Care

I met up with David after work yesterday. We organised to meet since last Friday. I told him on Tuesday night that I was feeling really sick and wouldn't be any fun (i.e. I didn't feel like meeting him that night because I just wanted curl up in bed and not talk to anyone) but he sounded so disappointed, I agreed to meet him for a bit (and I really did want to see him). None of the "I'm contagious. I don't want you to get sick" and "You'll be bored because I can't talk" worked on him. When he saw me looking quite terrible he apologised for pressuring me into meeting him because he didn't realise I was feeling so bad. He was so full of energy because he finished his exams and was so bouncy and glowing with excitement, I couldn't help but smile.

When we got up to go back, he saw one of his uni friends and decided to hang around with him.

David: I'll walk you back to the station first
me: no, don't worry, I'll be fine
me (in my head): I met you when I really wasn't up for it and you're just going to go with your friend?!
David: no, we'll walk you back

[After walking up to the intersection.]
me: it's ok, you don't have to walk me all the way back
me (in my head): if you don't walk me back all the way, I'm going to get offended that you don't care
David: no, I'm walking you back!

[At the train station.]
me: thanks, have fun!
David: we'll wait till your train comes
me: you really don't have to
me (in my head): I'm just testing you to see how much you care
David: I just want to spend time with you. I missed you.
me: I missed you too
me (in my head): you pass with flying colours.

While we were walking to the train station with his friend, David wouldn't let go of my arm (even though his friend was right there) and even though I couldn't really talk, he kept trying to involve me in the conversation which was pretty hard considering I couldn't reply. Thoughtful gestures like that are what make me so enfatuated with him.

We decided to meet tomorrow night so hopefully I'll be back to my healthy self by then.

It's the Thought...

It's David's and my 1 month anniversary today. I know it doesn't sound like much but it's special. He sent me the most thoughtful and romantic poem today. I got it on the train going back from the production meeting for the next film. I was sitting there smiling from ear to ear, like some idiot. I kept reading it over and over so now I have it memorised.

Last night he told me that quote that goes something like "Love like you'll never get hurt. Sing like no one's listening..." and I finished it for him with "Dance like no one's watching". I told him that I knew pretty much all the ones floating on the net since there was always someone who would forward stuff like that to me. He said he'll have to find one I've never heard of. So I was totally surprised that he made one up, just for me! And it wasn't some generic "Roses are red, violets are blue..." type but one that related specifically to me (and my love for chocolate).

I was totally lost for words and could not think of 2 lines that rhymed to send to him. How did I get such a romantic guy? Do most guys do things like that?

It made me not want to meet any other guy 'cause I just want this one.

My Mummy, the Cheater

Last night my Mum smiled at me slyly and asked, "Can I ask you a question?" which got me quite suspicious. I hoped it wasn't anything too personal about David.

She offered to set me up with some POBian guy, if I wanted. I told her I wouldn't be comfortable meeting new guys when I have a boyfriend who I really like. She said, "How do you expect to meet someone better if you don't break up with him and won't meet other guys at the same time?" She said she went out with up to 3 guys at the same time when she was going out with my Dad. I asked her, "Didn't he mind?" and she said, "He didn't know at the time". I asked her how he reacted when she told him later and she said he was doing the same thing because it's not like they were married. I swear, they're made for each other. I don't know how it's possible to go out with more than one guy at a time and not feel guilty.

Mum said the reason she didn't feel guilty was because she didn't really like any of them that much and when she decided she was going to marry my Dad, she stopped seeing the others.

My Mum was such a player, it's kinda funny. And she was proposed to twice before my Dad. And my Dad didn't even propose properly. Mum said she just told him that either they were getting married or they were looking for other people, so they got married. How romantic.

You'd think their marriage would never work, judging by how it started, yet they celebrated their 22nd anniversary on the weekend.

We were also discussing love and she said that it's something gradual and it's not like she fell in love with me when I was born. "They handed me this screaming gross baby after hours of excruciating pain so it's not like I could love you immediately. That only happened after being woken up every night by your crying."

I don't know how I end up having these deep and meaningful discussions with her.

Just the Two of Us

Amelia and I went dancing last night. I've never been just with one other person and didn't realise what a big difference it made in regards to how many guys try to talk to you. Amelia said that Christine had a wedding to go to and Claudia didn't reply to her message. She was probably with Mike and could've at least said she couldn't/didn't want to come.

So anyway, it was just the two of us. Didn't really care too much, until all these guys started coming up and try to dance with us. We would just turn the other way and pretend they weren't there. In my head, I kept thinking, "I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend". Couldn't they tell?!

When we were having a rest and sitting down, some guy came up to me and tried to pull me to dance, while I was holding a glass of water. I told him I was taking a break. He then looked at my glass and said, "Is that just water?!" as if there was something wrong with it. Then, he asked if Amelia and I were sisters to which I said, "Yes" because that required the least effort. To my surprise, he gave us this disgusted look and left. Wonder why us being sisters put him off... That was weird, but at least achieved the desired result. I liked the idea of Amelia and I being sisters, though. We look nothing alike though (other than same colour hair and similar shape). Amelia has been looking really gorgeous lately. Every time I see her looking so... adult, I keep remembering her when she was 13. Gosh, that's been a long time ago. Life was so different then...

When I was on the train to meet her, some guy tried to talk to me. What is it about public transport that makes strange guys talk to me? I was doing a good job answering in one word answers and looking away until he got the hint: I didn't want to talk to him. He said he was new to the city, but did I look like I cared? It was none of his business where I was going and what I was doing.

When we were waiting for our buses to go home, Amelia said that she usually waits for the bus alone and every time she gets some guy chatting her up. When I saw a bus that seemed to be going my way, I went to catch it but then the driver told me it didn't stop where I needed it to so I went back to Amelia and guess what? There was some guy talking to her. She gave me the "See? I told you" look. Fortunately the guy's bus came pretty much as soon as I came back so he left. Amelia said this one wasn't too bad, he only asked if she was married.

Amelia also told me that on the way to the city, two old (retired age) men tried to chat her up which was funny. After the usual lines (Do you have a boyfriend? Where are you going? etc.) this is what one old man said:

Old man: do you want to come to my place? Oh, actually you can't. I have to take my medication.

Geez, too bad because I really wanted to.

Amelia always gets into the weirdest situations. She told me the married guy she went out with once (I might explain later) came to her work with his kids. Forgot to ask her if he really did get divorced/separated like he said. Sometimes I think she likes getting into unnecessary situations like that because she loves the drama of it.

Hopefully, next week she can come out with David, me and David's friends. Might invite Nadine and her friends too. The more the merrier. April is leaving overseas next week. I remember I said that I'd rather not talk to David for 5 weeks than April but now I changed my mind. I go crazy if I don't talk to him even for one day.

Wished he was there with me last night but it would've been weird with only Amelia there. I had a good time nonetheless. Amelia is great to go out with because she can have fun anywhere. Like David. She also has some sort of aura/energy about her that's really contagious and makes me feel really great.

Haven't talked to April for ages. I know she's stressed with all her exams now but want to talk to her to see how she really is.

"I'm almost in love with you."

"I'm almost in love with you."

- some guy dedicating a song to a girl on POBian radio

The Cause of Happiness

3:00am

David: aren't your parents going to get worried that you're not home so late?
me: no, they'll be asleep

10:00am

Mum: why did you only get home after 4?!!
me: you were awake?
Mum: I couldn't sleep

I felt like a teenager having my Mum interrogate me about what we were doing so late since it was raining all night. What does she expect me to say? "Oh, we had sex"? I was so tempted to say it to see her reaction but I didn't want her to have a heart attack. I told her the truth - we went to see a movie and then talked (well, semi-truth). I know all she wanted me to say was something innocent (even if it wasn't true) so she could relax.

The surprise that David mentioned was just going to see a movie. What a surprise that that was the surprise. After the movie, we drove around a bit trying to decide where to go since it was freezing and raining. He took me to some tiny lookout where we just stayed in the car for hours, talking. He said that Ryan (the friend who I met the first time I met his friends) said that we (David and I) are meant for each other. Wonder what made him say that. April thinks David is totally not my type. I agree with her but don't care. No one makes me feel the way he does so what difference does it make if he's not the type of guy I imagined for myself?

He's always interested in me and my life. And he gets worried about me which I find so endearing.

I found out that even though he had many girlfriends, they were all very short-term ones. I don't know why but it kind of comforts me that he never had any serious long-term girlfriend that he could compare me to. He asked me to tell him about what my friends were really like. I said that I thought that April and I were very similar but he said he didn't think so at all when he met her.

I asked him what made him want to go out with someone and the first thing he said was looks which I found really offensive. He said first impressions counted and neat appearance was important. Should I take his English into account? So by looks, he meant neat appearance? I know looks are important but they are not the most important thing and he agreed but said that it's the first thing he noticed when he met a person. He even associated it with going for job interviews where it was important how you presented yourself. Hmm... Then, he said education was important. I asked him if he thought that, why did he get offended when I said people who do uni are different. He said that by education, he meant someone who had ambition and goals. Similar music tastes were important to him. He said if someone listened only to bands like Nirvana, he'd think they were angry so he liked someone who liked variety. Another important thing was communication so he wanted someone he could talk with about anything and someone with whom he could be totally himself (the latter he said an hour after the conversation because he was still thinking about it).

He didn't ask what I looked for. I used to have an extensive list but now it's just someone who makes me happy. And he does. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm in alternate universe, like a dream.

He said something a little weird last night. He said that one day I might go to America to work in film and he might get a job interstate or something and we'd never see each other again. Didn't like the sound of that. Especially after he said he saw a serious future for us.

David: what would you say if I said this was just for fun and not serious?
me: ok?
David: that's what you would say?!
me: no, but I want to know where we stand. If you told me that, I'd have to distance myself. Why? Do you see this as just fun?
David: no! I hate it when it's just for fun. I like for things to be real. It feels better when it means something.
me: definitely
David: ok, good.

That would've been a surprise if he decided that we were together just for fun after how much he tells me he wants things to be serious.

Yesterday, before meeting up with David, I orgqnised an interview at a recruitment agency for myself, something I've never done before.

me: Hi, I'd like to apply for temp work
agent: ok.
me: can I have your email to send you my resume?
agent: sure, it's [email]
me: so... would it be possible to organise an interview?
agent: would you like to come at 2?
me: sure, that would be great.

At the interview, the agent said they had an available temporary role which involved filing. The good thing about it was that it was very flexible and I could do it any day/time I wanted so I'd be able to do the next film (that I volunteered for). I'm meeting the manager next Tuesday. If it goes well, I'll have some source of income again. Even if it is very low, but it's just filing so can't expect much. At least I'll get to do the next film project (which is actually not just a student production, but a real thing that will probably be on TV). I couldn't say no to that. Wish I had a good job. But not as much as having a boyfriend so all is good. Wonderful, even. I don't feel like I have to have an amazing career to fulfil all other areas of my life anymore.

Will be meeting Amelia tonight (to make up for last weekend). We're going clubbing. It'll be my first time going clubbing just with my friends when I'm in a relationship. Before, even though it'd be mainly to have a good time dancing, there was always a bit of hope that I'd meet some cute guy. Don't need to have that thought anymore.

Surprise

David and I were supposed to meet tomorrow after his exam and hang around till about 8pm when we were supposed to meet his friends and go clubbing.

He just called me to tell me that his friends couldn't come and he has to take his Mum to the doctor after the exam so we're meeting later. After asking me where I wanted to go and me saying that I really didn't care, he said it was going to be a surprise. He, then, started saying that he shouldn't have said that. I wonder if he came up with it on the spot and then regretted it, or if he really wanted to surprise me. Either way, I'm excited.

I have a feeling it's going to be that restaurant that he's been wanting to go for weeks now, but we'll see.

He offered to drive me home again. I told him that wouldn't be necessary since I should have the car tomorrow, but in the tiny case that I don't, I'd just catch the train back earlier (i.e. before 10pm since he lives at a not very safe train station). He insisted on driving me back if I don't get the car. He said he liked driving me back. I told him I didn't believe him. He said that he liked any extra time he got to spend with me. He defines sweetness. Before, I used to get very suspicious of anything nice/sweet that he told me because I thought he was just saying it, but he says things like that so often, I'm starting to believe him. It's almost like the reverse where if someone tells another person they're horrible repeatedly, that person starts to believe it.

Can't wait till tomorrow. I haven't seen him since last Friday and miss him. I think my desperate want for a boyfriend has been replaced by a desperate want to be with him. Still remember the weekend after we 'officially' became boyfriend and girlfriend when I wasn't as happy about it as I thought I'd be. Sure, I was ecstatic about the idea of having a boyfriend, but not about him specifically. And now, I can't get enough of him.

I think if I've achieved the impossible (i.e. getting a boyfriend), I'm capable of getting a job.

Looks Better

After yesterday's persistent calling of recruitment agencies to at least get some temp work which ended quite unsuccessfully, I walked over half an hour each way to get my homoepathic medication. Even though I'm not a fan of exercise, I have to say that it really made me feel better. I guess not the physical act of walking but the satisfaction that I did something for my health (and beauty because doing things just for health isn't as much fun).

Since today I didn't have any purpose to walk, I decided to go to the City and check out all the sales. Shopping is one of my favourite forms of exercise. I felt a bit guilty going since I'm unemployed but my Mum (not being like regular Mums) said that when I do become employed, I won't have time to go shopping and by then there won't be any big sales so I'll end up wasting more money. Talk about putting a positive spin. She even offered me money which I refused because I'm 21. I wonder why I always have guilt when buying things (I could do without) when all my life my Mum encouraged me to buy things.

Bought a warm jacket since I only have one other one and it's not very flattering. Also, got a cute top. Finally I have a guy to appreciate what I wear. Well, not the specific clothes, but how I look in them. Unlike my friends who would notice the actual items. And I know this is all very superficial but it feels great to have someone to find you attractive. Must make the most of it. Even felt like buying some cute underwear (the colourful kind with extra details that's not worth buying if no one sees it), but decided that was unnecessary at the moment.

A while ago, David sent me his photos from his party and of course I showed my family (since they only saw the one he originally gave me). Mum said he looked ok and my brother said he looked chubby (which he definitely isn't). It made me realise that I'm probably the only one who finds him as attractive as I do. It's amazing how much better a person looks when you like them so much. I'm pretty sure I found him quite average when I met him, but the more I got to know him and the more I grew to like him, the better he seemed in my eyes. And now I find him totally gorgeous and can't see how no one else can see it. Our minds can play incredible tricks on our eyes.

Loss of Self-Worth

I'm starting to feel that the fact that I don't have a job right now is making me helpless and David is going to lose his respect for me and he's going to think that I'm not good enough. I'm already starting to experience the 'unemployed syndrome' (or whatever it's called) where the unemployed starts to lose confidence because he/she can't find a job and this loss of confidence makes it ever harder to gain employment.

I just feel really useless because I have a freakin' degree and it's not helping me get a job I want. And I don't have enough experience which I can't get because of the lack of it. It's like a vicious cycle.

And what am I really thinking about the whole film thing? How long do I have to volunteer for to get a paid job? It's so unrealistic. I can't just wait for luck. And I know David thinks so, even though he said he'll support me in anything that makes me happy. I know deep inside he's thinking I'm being ridiculous.

I can't expect people to be confident in my ability to be a valuable part of society if I don't feel that myself. And the only way I can feel that is if I get a job where I have responsibility (even if I don't really like it).

You Were There

I guess you've heard, I guess you know
In time I'd have told you, but I guess I'm too slow
It's not overly romantic, but I know that it's real
I hope you don't mind if I say what I feel
It's like I'm in somebody else's dream
This could not be happening to me.

But you were there
And you were everything I'd never seen
You woke me up from this long
And endless sleep, I was alone
I opened my eyes and you were there

Don't be alarmed, no don't be concerned
I don't wanna change things, leave them just as they were
I mean nothing's really different, it's me who feels strange
I'm always lost for words when someone mentions your name
I know that I'll get over this for sure
I'm not the type to dream there could be more

But you were there
And you were everything I'd never seen
You woke me up from this long
And endless sleep, I was alone
I opened my eyes and you were there

Can I take your smile home with me
Or the magic in your hands ...
The rain has stopped, the storm has passed
Look at all the colours now the sun's here at last
I suppose that you'll be leaving, but I want you to know
Part of you stays with me even after you go
Like an actor playing someone else's scene
This could not be happening to me.

But you were there
And you were everything I'd never seen
You woke me up from this long
And endless sleep, I was alone
I opened my eyes and you were there.

I know I'm not alone
No, not alone
I opened my eyes and you were there.

When David and I were discussing in detail about how we met, he said that he thought I was very direct when I asked him questions at the bus stop and in the bus. And there I was thinking I was making small-talk. He said, "You asked who I lived with!" and now it does seem a bit too forward but at the time it didn't seem that personal. I've been told a few times that I ask a lot of questions but I didn't realise I was asking so many that were really none of my business.

I guess it's easy (and fun) to look back on that day because of where it lead to. He said that when he asked my email he thought it was "Now or never". I told him that he looked really shy and unsure when he asked which made me agree to give him my email.

He still has this combination of confidence and humbleness which is so attractive. There are so many things I like about him, I'm starting to think I can overcome all his bad points. I always had an image of what kind of guy would make me happy and he doesn't fit that image but he still makes me extremely happy. So does it really matter how he makes me happy? Some things he does I would never even expect (and if you've read my blog for a while, you'd know I had pretty high expectations). If he could always make me feel like how I've been feeling for the last few weeks, does it really matter if he believes in God or is from a totally different culture/background?

Feels Like Flying

I used to have recurrent dreams of being able to fly. It was always in different locations. I would just have to flap my arms and I would be able to push through the air and fly. I remember in one dream I just wanted to leave Earth so I kept flapping my arms harder and harder, until I left the atmosphere and entered the mass emptiness of stars and galaxies, and even though I felt so free being able to fly away, when I was alone and had nowhere further to fly, I wanted to go back to Earth.

I'm not even going to try to analyse that dream and what it means because it seems pretty obvious.

The reason I'm mentioning it now is because I'm feeling like my feet (and mind) have left the ground. Andy told me that being in such a state of unrealistic happiness can end up really badly and I consciously know that. But I just want to enjoy it a bit longer and to feel like I'm flying for as long as I can.

Last night, David said/did something so romantically sweet, I'm now listening to "The Lady In Red" on repeat. We also had a really satisfying conversation about how we felt about each other. He always manages to articulate his feelings so much better than me. I end up stumbling on words because I just can't describe how I feel and always end with, "You know what I mean?" to which he always replies, "No, not really". Told him that I don't say how I feel not because I don't have feelings for him but because I just can't put them into words.

He's always doing such thoughtful things and he sends me little cute emails.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this blog is becoming a single person's nightmare. If it was someone else's, I would've stopped reading it already (which I think some people have, and I don't blame them).

Lately, I've started to censor myself a lot more even though I want to say all the things he does and says but I just feel like it's personal and shouldn't be for everyne to know. So that's why I'm just talking generally about how wonderful he is, without any specifics.

I was supposed to go out with Amelia tonight but she messaged to tell me it was a bad day for her to go and if we could go next Friday. Told her I couldn't (because I'm meeting David and it's going to be exactly 1 month since we started officially going out). Speaking of which, he told me that he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend that night all along and it wasn't because I brought it up.

I wonder how this ride that I'm on will end...

Living the Dream

I've been so busy with the film shoot in the last few days that I haven't had time to blog. Plus, I'm so happy beyond words that I can't find ways to write about what's happening.

I'm living my dream life right now. I have the best boyfriend and I'm working on a film.

The film shoot finishes next week so I don't know what I'll be doing after that. Probably desperately looking for a job. Any job. At least I have David. He makes everything 100 times better. He makes me so happy I feel like I'm dreaming and it's not really my life. I never thought someone like him could make me feel so good but he does. Every day with him is the best day of my life.

Last night we went to one of his friend's birthday party. It was at a pub in the middle of nowhere. There was a live band which played all the best music. It's undescribable how much fun it was to dance with him. I just couldn't believe he was mine and no one else's. We were only one of two couples in the group. Another thing I've never been used to. I was never the one who was part of a couple.

The other people were gossiping about us for most of the night. I didn't care. I don't think they did either since they would do it with us right there. They said we made a cute couple. So not used to people referring to me as part of a couple (and a cute one too) or as David's girlfriend. Of course, I loved it. I was also asked a few times about my 'boyfriend'. I know little things like that seem so insignificant to other people but I love them so much.

Even though I like all those little things, I love the big things, like having really good conversations with David.

He said, "Next time we should do something intelligent". I said, "Like what?" and he replied, "Like... play chess". I told him my grandparents (who are about 80) play chess every night to keep their minds sharp and he said, "Are we going to play chess every night when we're 80?"

I'm really getting the feeling (from many things he said) that he can see a real future with us. He said he was just worried that since he's my first boyfriend, I only see him as experience. Although that was true, I'm starting to think that experience is overrated. He's just not worth leaving after I get the experience or in order to get more. I told him he had nothing to worry about and I felt the same way he did.

We talked about how even though we haven't been going out for too long, we're starting to act like we've been going out for months. It's just hard to comprehend that I would like my first boyfriend so much. Considering how desperate I was to get a boyfriend, you'd think my first one would've been some random guy. Ok, so he did start off being a random one but the more I get to know him, the more I realise how good he is for me.

I'm just so extremely grateful that I met him.

Different Now

Had a bit of a weird conversation with David tonight. He asked me if I wanted to come with his friends to dinner on Friday. I told him that I might have to be at the shoot which finishes late but I would be able to meet him afterwards. Then he said that he didn't want to go without me. I told him I didn't want to stop him from seeing his friends but he kept saying that he wasn't going to go if I wasn't. I asked him how he used to meet up with them before and he said it was different now. Still not sure how. He, then, told me how he was actually the one who organised it. That made me annoyed that he didn't make sure if it was ok with me first. He said that he thought that I would be free since we planned to meet on Friday anyway. I told him I didn't know if I could make it. He said if I couldn't, he'd just meet me later.

While we were talking, the Director called me to thank me for helping him out so I asked him if he needed me for all of the shoot and he said that whenever I could come would be great but I didn't have to. So I told David that I'll be able to go to dinner. I hope he realises now he should ask me first if he wants me to come somewhere. I don't want to end up fitting my life around his just because I like him so much.

My IQ

Your IQ Is 105

Your Logical Intelligence is Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Above Average Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

The 'Missing' Syndrome

At yesterday's dance class was the first time when I had a proper chat with the other students. It was nice to talk to some new people. I've seen them for weeks now but never had the chance to even find out their names. The 27 year old woman said her sister met her boyfriend at a salsa class (in America).

Even though Andy was sitting on the other side of me, he didn't pay attention. When the woman asked how old he was and I said 18, she gave me a 'look' so I quickly had to tell her he was my brother. This is one of the reasons I never want to go out with a guy younger than me.

Last night, I decided to message David because I was missing him and didn't want to call in case he was busy studying or asleep. Pretty much as soon as I sent it, he called me.

me: I didn't want to call 'cause I didn't want to distract you from your studying
David: why not?
me: because you should concentrate
David: but I want to be distracted by you.

We ended up talking for way longer than we should've. I went to sleep a very happy girl. When I woke up, I started to miss him again. I think I have some sort of 'missing syndrome'. It doesn't even feel psychological but more physical, like I need him to be next to me.

Today at the final production meeting, I was told that I won't need to bring any extras. So I won't see David tomorrow. He said he's not going to the game anyway because he needs to study. We were supposed to meet up Friday night but the film shoot on that day only wraps up after 8pm. Not like I care, I'd meet him at 9/10. We'll probably end up hanging out till early hours in the morning so meeting an hour or so later than planned shouldn't make much of a difference. Just wish that it didn't get so cold at night.

Actually I don't really wish for anything more because I got the wish that I've wanted the most so others seem insignificant. I wonder when (if ever) I start to take him for granted. Not anytime soon, that's for sure.

One Thing on My Mind

I wish I had something amusing to write but the only thing that's on my mind is the obvious.

Every time I see his photo on my shelf, I can't help but stop and look at it for a few seconds. I wish I could take him out of it so he could be standing in my room, next to me. I've never had photos in my room, they are all in photo albums in cupboards, but I just couldn't slot him along with the rest. I want to see him all the time.

The next 2 weeks, I won't be seeing him much because he needs to study.

"I'm so sorry I won't see you much."

"Don't be sorry, I want you to study."

"That's why I like you. You understand that. My friends get upset if I don't go out with them when I have to study"

"Of course I understand. I want you to do well, you know."

I don't know whether I just like being in a relationship and therefore exaggerate any good feeling or if I really like David so much I miss him even if I don't see him for a day. I don't think I've had any thought that was not accompanied by thoughts of him for the last two weeks. I have no idea if I'm behaving like this because he's my first boyfriend or because it's normal to be totally enfatuated with someone at the beginning of a relationship.

The Perfect Sunday

Today was the best Sunday I've ever had in my whole entire life. Actually, it was probably the best day I've ever had. At one point, I thought I was dreaming.

I spent the whole day at David's house. His parents and sister went away for the weekend so he had the whole place to himself. Last Thursday he told me his family were coming later on Sunday so I got all prepared to impress and charm. However, when I got there, David told me they decided to come back on Monday. So much for my lengthy selection of what to wear. He was dressed in 'home' clothes - T-shirt and some trackpants, a combination I found quite irresistible on him.

Pretty much as soon as I came, he gave me one of the worst gifts I've ever received but I loved it. I thought someone must've given it to him and he didn't know what to do with it so gave it to me. He said he saw it in a 'shop' and wanted to surprise me. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it. It was the most tackiest thing you'd find in a $2 shop. It didn't even look like it was something that was sold alone, but more of an addition to... a bouquet of flowers or something. I kept playing around with it in my hand so when we went to the kitchen, I accidentally left it next to the sink. Later when he saw it there, he said, "Don't you want your present?" Uhm... not really. I think I'm being so mean about it because there's no way I think he would buy something that horrible and it's like he gave it to me 'cause he didn't want it. Although, if he really did get it, I don't know whether to be appalled that he thought I would like it or be smitten by his attention. I think I was a little bit of both. Deep down, I love that he thought of me when he saw/got a heart on a stick.

He also showed me his photos of when he was a kid. He was adorable (but not as adorable as now). When I saw one recent photo of him, I said, "You look so good in it, I'm keeping it" as a joke but he took me seriously and said, "Yeah, sure. Take it". So I told him I was kidding and I wasn't taking his photos but then he kept insisting so now I have a photo of him, looking quite impressive.

We went to buy stuff to make lunch with and he wanted me to try some South American dessert things so we went to get those. Then, he actually cooked lunch himself which tasted great. I insisted on helping.

We talked a lot about stuff. I love how much he knows, I'm always learning new things when talking with him. He said he always learns something new after talking to me. Still not exactly sure what. And I love how he thinks and what he values.

When it started getting dark and he was cooking something else and I was leaning on the kitchen counter, keeping him company, he said, "I really feel like we're a couple today. We're spending time alone in this house, cooking, having lunch together, watching TV..."

"... going shopping... Do you like it?"

"Yeah!"

"Me too."

It almost felt like we were living together. Could not believe how something I've desperately wanted for so very long, was actually happening.

When David said, "I feel like this is a dream. This is too good. Something's going to go wrong", I realised that if this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. I couldn't believe he thought that being together was so good. I told him it's easier to bear the bad stuff if you have something you really want. Like, look how well I'm dealing with unemployment. He said, "I'll never let you down. You'll always have me to watch out for you". That's when I was almost certain this was a dream. It could not possibly be true that I have a guy to say something as sweet as that to me. Fortunately I haven't woken up yet.

We also talked about travelling to Europe together. How wonderful that I don't have to find a travel buddy to do that with. Need to get a job asap so I can start saving up.

At around 10pm, when we were on the couch half watching the TV, the front door burst open and in came his sister. Immediately, we sat up while she gave us a 'look'. I was so not expecting his family to come tonight that I didn't even prepare myself mentally for it. All the necessary charm disappeared while I tried to pull myself together to say hello to his parents. His Mum seemed very nice. After greeting them, I decided it was time to go home.

As David was walking me down, he said, "You know, you're the first girlfriend I introduced to my parents". That was a bit of a shock. But a nice one.

When I got home, Mum gave out her never-ending advice. I think she absolutely loves talking to me about relationships.

Anyway, I wish I could spend every Sunday like today, being with David.

David: why do you like me?
me: you make me happy. Why do you like me?
David: you make me happy
me: copycat

Close Friends Warm the Soul

Today was Claudia's 21st birthday party. She's the baby of our group and the last to enter the world of adulthood. It was a close friends and family affair at her house. I had a great time chatting to my best friends.

Told Amelia about David. I was trying to find a good time but it never happened so I just said it straight out. Amelia thanked me for letting her know since Claudia still hasn't actually said out loud to her that Mike is her boyfriend and she was just happy I shared with her. She said, "I'm glad good things happen to good people". One of the things I love about Amelia is that she's so honest about everything so if she says something nice, I know she means it.

Mike asked about David's party and then kept saying what an idiot Miguel was. I was surprised he even remembered about it. It seems like ages ago. Actually, I got to talk to Mike quite a bit. He kept following me around. I think his insecurity is starting to show again. He's such a little kid. But he's a sweet guy so I didn't mind him too much.

April wasn't too social and didn't talk to anyone other than me and the other three (Amelia, Claudia, Christine). I started to notice how it could be so hard for her to get a boyfriend. I asked her if it was ok if David gave her number to one of his uni friends and she said, "Only if you can be totally certain that he's not going to be a creep. Although I guess I could change my number if he starts to stalk me". What worried me was that she wasn't even kidding. I told her that I could never be certain and I wasn't going to take any responsibility if it didn't work out so I could just not give her number if she didn't want to. Then I said that sometimes you have to take risks. She said that it was ok and she'd take a chance. But she sounded worried.

Lately, I've started to realise that almost nothing is certain in life. It's just too hard to know for sure what people are really like or what would happen if you did something. It's all a matter of probabilities.

Claudia's party started to wind down at about 6 (since it started early) so Amelia and I decided to go to the city (since we didn't feel like going home so early). April went home to study and Christine had another party to go to.

It was so great to hang out and chat with Amelia. Since I finished uni, we just don't do it often enough. We went to have dinner at some bad Taiwanese place. The food was so oily I started to feel sick. Then we walked around the City, just talking.

There were many couples, as usual, but instead of being annoyed at them for being so happy together, I actually wanted to look at them to see what they were like and if that's what David and I looked like together.

Amelia and I decided to meet up next weekend again, and she also agreed to be an extra for the film so I might see her on Wednesday as well. I'm so happy I get to see her more often now.

David said that you can only ever have one family but you can make new friends everywhere. And I really have to disagree because even though family is very important and will always be there for you, some friends can be so close to your heart, they become irreplaceable.

Dreams

I've been posting so much about David that I've neglected to write about other areas of my life.

Yesterday when I was in the editting room, preparing some stuff for the film shoot and chatting with the Director while he was having lunch, this huge group of American students burst into the room, one with a camera pointing at us. I almost felt like it was some Current Affairs show and they were going to accuse us of something horrible.

Turned out they were having a tour of the place and wanted to interview the Director about the course. While the camera was pointing at him, I quickly slipped to the back of the crowd. The whole group looked like from some TV show - all tall and charismatic. Typical American film students. Reminded me of my time there and made me yearn to be a part of their group.

When I was writing this entry, something occurred to me. My persistent dream/obsession to work in the movie/tv industry stems from my childhood. I must've been influenced by all the times my Mum took me to the theatre and all the times I had to be in musicals. That rush I got from being a part of all the busy excitement of rehearsals and then the feeling of dancing on stage, in costume. It must've stayed with me.

Told my Mum it was all her fault I wanted to work in one of the hardest industries and she said she was very glad it was her fault because it's great to have a dream to be passionate about achieving. Had quite a long conversation with her about David and relationships. I think she's too excited to be able to give all the advice she's stored inside herself for 21 years. Some of it was quite thought-provoking. My parents are the only ones who can really influence me.

The Best Education

Before I had a boyfriend, people used to ask me for relationship advice and I always felt like such a fraud giving it since I couldn't base my advice on experience. It was all based on how I thought relationships should be and how I saw different couples.

Yesterday when Andy asked me for some advice about his 'relationship' (if we can even call it that since it never actually got off the ground), I realised that even though I had a boyfriend, my advice was still the same. I still have the same values and views on how things should be and that hasn't changed at all.

Learnt another interesting thing last night. Knowing how to speak POBian has many hidden benefits. I had to call my Mum when I was with David and spoke to her in POBian. When I hung up, he told me that he never expected POBian to sound so attractive (well, he used another word to describe it). So he kept asking me to say something in POBian and every time I did, he shivered (a bit too dramatically for effect). I tried hard not to laugh. Actually, I didn't try at all, I just laughed. He didn't care.

I'm loving all the new unexpected things that I'm learning, that I've never even thought about.

In Search of a Bathroom

Last night at around 8:30pm, David decided that he needed to go the bathroom. Since we were outside, we went to find a hotel or a pub or something along those lines. After some wandering, we found a pub. As with most inner-city pubs, the bathrooms are always located down numerous staircases which are located at the end of numerous corridors that you can find after walking through numerous rooms.

So, when we got to the bathroom, right next to it was a TV showing a soccer match between two South American teams. To my utter surprise, David sits down and starts watching.

"Uhm... David? Did you forget why we came here?"

"Oh yeah, won't be a minute." As soon as he returned from the bathroom, he sat back down.

"Can we just watch a bit?"

"Uhm... sure."

"Did you see that?! How cool was it?!"

See what? I wasn't paying attention.

"Oh yeah, that was cool."

"Oh no! What's he doing?!"

Playing soccer?

"David, you know how the filming starts next Wednesday and it turns out your rugby match is next Wednesday too?"

"Yeah? Look, look!"

"I'll just tell the Director that you won't be able to be an extra anymore."

"Yes I will. I'm coming to your film thing. Oh no! What's he doing?!"

"What about the match?"

"Oh, I don't care about that. There'll be another one. Goal! Yes!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course! What should I wear? Did I tell you how I saw the final between..."

"Yeah, one of the first things you told me."

"What time should I get there?"

"I'll let you know."

"Look at him! I love watching those teams"

"I know. Thank you."

I'm so happy he's still going to come to the film shoot, even though I know how much he loves his sport.

Relationship Bites 3

David: this is going to sound like from a movie but I've never felt like this before
me: you can't feel the same about everyone, it's normal to feel differently about every person
David: but with you, it feels more real. I know I can rely on you.

David: I like every bit of you
me: which bit is your favourite? This is a test question
David (searching my eyes for hints): something about intellect?
me: I was thinking of 'brain' or something but it's the same thing

(This was more of a test not on his personality but on how well he knows me and whether he knows what I want to hear. He obviously does.)

David: I'm always the one entertaining everyone
me: you're my entertainer
David: that's all I am to you!
me: yep, you're there to entertain me and that's it
David: I'm not talking to you anymore
me: you didn't even say I was entertaining, I'm offended
David: you're a lot more to me than just entertainment

me: what are we doing on Sunday?
David: I don't care, as long as it's with you

David: you know what they say about long distance relationships?
me: what?
David: long distance relationships make four people happy

me: most things you can work for but others just happen. Like I had to work to get my degree but I didn't have to do anything to be with you
David: that's because I had to do all the work

David: I didn't think you'd reply to my first email. You didn't even know me. And I was so surprised when you called me!
me: sometimes you just have to take a chance

The Last Kiss

Did I even mention that I have the most wonderful boyfriend?

Today could've turned into an emotionally draining disaster, but instead left me light-hearted and relieved.

He asked me (in context) when was the last time I've kissed someone. I tried to brush it off and said, "A while ago" and he asked, "When?" So I said I didn't remember and it didn't matter anyway. Then, his face became all dark and serious like I've never seen before (which was actually quite sexy) and he said, "Why can't you tell me?" so without even looking at him, I mumbled, "Last year" and he said, "With who?" and I couldn't believe he was so interested in something so insignificant so I tried to change the subject, "Let's not talk about me" and he said, "I've told you so much about my past and we never talk about you. I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I want to talk about you. Who was it? Was it a one-night thing or something?"

"No! You know I wouldn't do something like that!"

"So, tell me. What's the big deal?"

"It's not a big deal. I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. It was nothing."

"If it's nothing, why can't you tell me? You don't trust me?"

"It's not that."

"Do you think I'll feel differently about you if you tell me?"

"No. Yes."

"Sky, what is it? Sky?"

Then, he was just staring at me with his dark eyes, waiting for me to explain but I couldn't even look at him so I just stared into space, hoping this moment would end. I didn't want to lie but I didn't want to tell him the embarrassing truth.

"Sky? Who was this guy?"

"No one! I'm serious!"

"Was he mean to you?"

"No! It's nothing like that."

Then I stared into space some more, while he stared at me. Then, he got up.

"Are you going?"

"Yeah. You can't even talk to me."

"Ok ok, I'll tell you!"

He sat down.

"You can't tell this to anyone, even your sister, or your Mum"

"What's between me and you stays between me and you."

"You're going to think this is really weird."

I glanced away from the very interesting blank space on the ground to see his face. I've never seen anyone more interested and serious and worried and anxious at the same time. When I told him that I've never kissed anyone before, I couldn't even look at him. As soon as I finished saying it, I got up and said, "Ok, let's go home now" because he would obviously think I'm too strange. Then I looked at him and he was smiling.

"That's it?" he said.

"You're going to think of me differently now, I know."

"Come here," and then he gave me the biggest hug.

"So, want to go home now?"

"No, I want to be with you."

"Are you going to treat me differently now?"

"Of course not. When I told you about my past, did you think differently of me?"

"No, you're still the same person"

"So are you. Past is past. I only care about the present and the future."

What a weight off my shoulders. I don't have to hide it anymore. He still likes me. And he definitely feels quite special. But so do I.

Did I even mention that I have the most wonderful boyfriend?

Your Ordinary Movie: Boy Meets Girl

me: I just want to make movies
David: we're like a movie

Setting: city in South America
A young boy grows up very fast because he doesn't have a stable family. He spends most of his time on the streets, getting into trouble with the other kids.

Setting: city in Europe
A young girl is sheltered by her loving and protective family. She spends her time going to different classes and rehearsing for shows.

Setting: city in South America
As the boy becomes a teenager, he becomes very rebellious. He uses his brain to manipulate people, rather than apply himself in better ways. He lies a lot and participates in a lot of risky behaviour. Girls get attracted to his charm, but he just uses them. He doesn't care for anyone but himself. He lives in the present.

Setting: Australia
The girl and her family move to Australia. She becomes a shy teenager who concentrates too much on her education. She wants to find that perfect guy who would make her happy. She only thinks of the future.

Setting: Australia
The boy moves to Australia. He does something incredibly stupid which makes him realise that it's time for him to grow up. He decides to go to uni so he could have a successful career.

The girl finishes uni and gets a job. She has everything she ever wanted. All she wants now is to find someone to settle down with.

Setting: university bus stop
The girl has to go to uni after work. Her friend offers her a lift to a train station but she refuses because she wants to catch the bus to another train station. She doesn't stand too close to the bus stop and so the first 2 buses don't even stop (since they can't see her). The girl decides to move right to the bus stop because it's getting late and she doesn't want to miss any more buses.

The boy comes to the bus stop. He sees the girl and asks her when the last bus came and if she knows when the next one is coming. Somehow they start chatting. When it's time to part, they boy realises he has nothing to lose by asking for the girl's email.

Setting: various locations in Australia
The girl and boy meet several times, sometimes with their friends, sometimes alone. One day they can't deny the chemistry and they decide to go out. They're so different but that's what makes it so exciting.

The girl knows the boy isn't totally right for her but she can't resist his charm and always wants to be with him. The boy decides he doesn't want this to be a short thing, he wants to create a future with the girl.

Everything becomes reversed. The boy who always wanted girls for fun, now wants a deep relationship. The girl who always wanted something serious, just wants to have fun.

How will it end?

The Creative and the Restless

I applied to two job ads so am feeling more productive than usual. They're both casual jobs so I'd still be able to do film stuff. One's a casual graphic designer and the other is media reporting (i.e. summarising news articles). I think I might actually enjoy doing them. Still have to call the recruitment agents to ask for temp work. Don't know why I'm putting it off.

Talked to Lilly last night and she said that she felt lost career-wise. It's interesting how so many people from my course don't actually want to do graphic/web design. It's a bit of a paradox that design is for creative people but creative people don't usually like sitting in front of the computer the whole day. I'm yet to find someone creative who has a long attention span.

Mix-up

Saw David online and he said, "I need to talk to you. Can I call you now?" which got me very worried. Did he decide that we weren't really going to work and had to tell me immediately? He called and I quickly said, "What's wrong?" and he was like, "Nothing, just wanted to talk to you". He, then told me that he mixed up the dates and the rugby thing that I said I'd come with him to see wasn't tomorrow, but next week.

So I won't see him tomorrow. Will have to wait till Thursday. Damn, was so looking forward to tomorrow night. And no, I'm not a Rugby fan. I'm just a David fan.

After we hung up, something occurred to me. Next Wednesday, the film shoot starts so I won't be able to go. And he agreed to be an extra. How bad would it look if he doesn't show up, especially after I told the Director my boyfriend agreed to be one. If David decides to come with me, he's going to be disappointed. If he doesn't, I'm going to be disappointed, not to mention quite embarrassed.

Stomachache

Can't believe I didn't go to my dance class last night. It's all my stomach's fault. It decided to become bothersome just when I had to leave. And it's still annoying me. It better not be all that homoepathic stuff I have to take.

I decided not to go to the film school today 'cause of my stomachache. I feel so bad because I'm actually really needed there today.

Don't know what's gotten into my Director yesterday. He kept saying what a nice and sweet and helpful person I was and he would just look at me with the biggest smile on his face and keep patting me on the arm. I doubt he's thinking I'm so nice when I called to say I wasn't coming today. I swear, if he wasn't gay, I would think he was in love with me or something.

Forgetting Loneliness

I'm struggling to remember the pain of feeling alone. I want to talk to April about everything happening in my life right now but I just can't. She told me she's finding it very hard to deal with the fact that I can't understand what it feels like to never have a boyfriend anymore. I told her that it's not like I've forgotten, but today I found it difficult to summon those feelings again to remember what it was like. All I can feel is contentment that I have David.

I miss talking to April like we used to. I need advice about so many things to do with David but there's no one I can ask. I want to hear April's perspective, but I know that it's painful for her to hear his name 'cause it emphasises that she doesn't have anyone.

And she already stopped telling me about little things in her life. She mainly just listens now and doesn't share anything. It makes me very sad. I try to get stuff out of her and keep asking questions but I'm only met by short answers, like she's embarrassed to tell me about her trivial stuff. I was just like that with Nadine when she got her first boyfriend. I can't talk to David about it because April doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way.

The more I see/talk to David, the more I feel like I'm changing. It's like I'm transforming into a real adult. I really didn't expect my first boyfriend to get quite serious so very fast. Or maybe it's not that fast since I have nothing to compare this to. I mean, I've heard a thing on the radio when a celebrity (Andrew G) said, "It took us three days to pash!" like it was forever.

I asked David if he thought we were going too fast and he said he didn't, but if I felt we were, we should slow down. When he says such considerate things, it makes it hard to slow down because I end up liking him even more. I just can't seem to get enough of him. And the wonderful thing is that I can actually say that to him because he feels the same way about me.

Relationship Bites 2

me: doesn't this feel so surreal?
David: no, it feels very real to me

me: I don't like coffee
David: really?
me: I prefer tea
David: me too! I always pick tea over coffee
me: do you drink it with milk?
David: no, it doesn't taste like tea with milk
me: I know! You can't taste the tea then.
David: wow, another thing in common!
me: and such a major one too!
David: I like it when we find things in common

David: I like you
me: that's nice to know. I like you too
David: man, we're so different
me: is that why you like me?
David: yeah, you're very different, and I really like that.

me: I remember the date we met because it was my Mum's birthday
David: I remember the date I asked you to be my girlfriend
me: really?!
David: it was the 27th
me: no, 28th. I checked
David: no, it was the 27th
me: Friday was the 28th
David: no, 27th
me: oh my God! It was! I really didn't think you'd remember something like that
David: I remember because it was a special day

I always come home with snippets of our conversations playing over and over in my head.

The Future

One of the wonderful things about having a boyfriend is that I always have something to do on the weekend. Although every time I see him, I only get home in the morning.

Tonight we went to see a movie. He actually wanted to watch A Lot Like Love. Like I'd say no to a romantic comedy. If you read my pre-boyfriend entries, you can imagine how I felt watching such a movie with a guy holding my hand.

After the movie, we went to a beach area and hung around there. He said some things that really surprised me.

David: I've had my fun, now I just want something serious
me: what do you mean by that?
David: I'd like to build a future with you. When I asked you if you wanted to be my girlfriend, I meant that I want to have a real relationship with you. I don't want to get seriously into this if you're going to break my heart the next day.
me: I promise I won't break your heart tomorrow
David: what about Monday?
me: I'll give you a two week notice.
David: ok, excellent

Oh my God. I didn't realise he thinks we're starting something that has a potential future. How could we have a future if there are so many things in the way? I don't want to hurt him by letting him think that, but I don't want to tell him that I don't think we have a future because I'm enjoying being with him too much. I'm so selfish, I know. I feel so conflicted now. I just can't believe there's finally a guy who thinks so much of me, who is always making sure if I'm ok and just makes me feel so special, like I'm actually very important and wonderful. I just can't let go of that just yet.

The Other Side

Yesterday, at the callback audition (where I saw one relatively popular Australian actor), I told the Director that I found someone who doesn't mind being an extra. When the Director asked, "Who?" I couldn't get 'my boyfriend' out of my mouth. I felt like I was about to lie and that I really didn't have one. It was like all those other times when I was single and wanted to mention a boyfriend but couldn't because I didn't have one. When I managed to say "My boyfriend" as casually as possible, I felt like I was lying. How very odd.

After the audition, I met up with April, Christine and Claudia for dinner. Christine tried to get information out of me but it didn't really work 'cause she wasn't doing such a good job and it was so easy not to say the actual word 'boyfriend'.

While we were eating and chatting, all of a sudden I saw someone call my name and waving her arms. It was Amy. Couldn't believe it. The girl that ruined my BG1 moment. She was there with some friends and her boyfriend. Where was David when I needed him?

Afterwards, met up with David. Called Nadine to see where she was but she and her friends decided not to come out to the city but stay where they were. David and I didn't feel like going there so we just walked around. Until 3am. I was considering going to say hello to my my school friends who were at a bar at that time but didn't feel comfortable bringing him along. He was acting too couply and I know my friends would think it was a bit too much. Plus, he messed up my hair so it would've looked very suspicious. We actually walked up to it and then I just decided that I didn't want to go in. April would've felt pretty horrible if she saw us holding hands.

David kept asking why I had such a problem being couply in public. He said he didn't care who saw us because he was happy to be with me. Couldn't tell him how much I hated seeing people act affectionately in front of me before. Didn't want to become on of those annoying couples. I think that's one the things he doesn't like about me.

Realised yesterday that we really have no real future together. I guess I knew it before but now it's become quite clear. I guess this can be my first lesson in relationships. I'm pretty sure he realises this too so it's not like I'm leading him on or anything. Even if it does feel a bit like that. What I hate most is that I can't tell if he's being genuine or not. Sure I'd like to believe that I'm all the good things he says I am, but realistically, no one can be that great.

After yesterday, I feel like I've really crossed to the 'other side'. My life has really changed dramatically. I don't feel like I'm such a child anymore.

Relationship Bites

me: do you think we're going too fast?
David: uhm... yeah... I don't want to use you, you know
me: that's nice to know. Maybe I'm the one who's going to use you.
David: that's fine with me. You can use me as much as you want.

David: you know...
me: what?
[silence]
David: nah... it's ok
me: what were you going to say?
David: you probably won't believe me
me: probably, but say it anyway
David: you know, I've never felt like this before about anyone else... why are you laughing?
me: nah, that's a good thing.
David: yeah, I don't know. There's just something about you. Don't know what...

David: this is going to be a big thing for us
me: but you knew I didn't believe in God
David: I know, I can just tell that it's going to be a big problem for you.
me: isn't it a problem for you?
David: no.
me: it doesn't really matter for now anyway
David: what do you mean 'for now'?
me: well, we're just going out so it's not going to affect us, although I guess that's one topic we wouldn't be able to discuss
David: it's going to be taboo, is it?
me: yeah, don't talk about religion or politics
David: but we already talked about politics
me: yeah, and we disagreed on that too. We should talk about something like... music, 'cause we definitely agree on that
David: ok

Who's Important

I told my Mum about David. Not really out of my own accord but still.

She came into my room last night and after some small talk, she asked, "So are you going to at least tell me his name?" So I quite happily did. We, then, had a nice chat about him. I even volunteered specific details of how we met. To my surprise, Mum acted pretty adult about the whole thing.

She said I should invite him over. Told her, that probably wouldn't be happening any time soon. She asked if he was intelligent. I had to laugh. She should know that I'd never go out with someone who wasn't. Told David about it later and he said, "You think I'm intelligent? I can act really stupid though." I said that even the most intelligent people do/say stupid things and we were obvious proof of that. He couldn't disagree but he did note how humble I was. And he says I'm the sarcastic one!

He told me how he was thinking of doing something, that I didn't exactly agree with, and to my surprise he said that he wouldn't do it if I wouldn't support him in it. Couldn't believe how important my opinion was to him. Of course, I didn't say that he couldn't do it. That's way too much power for me to have over someone. Not exactly used to that. Told him it was his decision but maybe he should just think about it some more so if he decides to do it, it would be for the right reasons.

I never realised how much my opinion of what he does with his life mattered if we are a couple. I love it.

The Distraction Game

Ok, so the only quick way I can think of distracting myself is spamming my blog.

Let's play a little game. Here are some lyrics, and you can guess which songs they're from. (No google cheating!)

1.
Thought love was
More or less a given thing
The more I gave the less
I got, oh yeah
What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine
I got rain

2.
I get such a thrill
When you look in my eyes
My heart skips a beat, girl
I feel so alive
Please tell me baby
If all this is true
'Cause deep down inside
All I wanted was you.

3.
Monday morning came too soon,
I think about you now,
Layin' in my room,
Hearing everything you said,
I play it back,
A hundred times in my heart,
Then I slip into a dream,
The feelin' inside,
Is ten storeys high.

4.
I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile.

5.
Well it's been building up inside of me
For oh I don't know how long
I don't know why
But I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong.

Now, for the hardest question: can anyone spot a common theme?

Restless

April: when did Claudia call about Friday?
me: on Tuesday. You were probably watching OC
April: hehe, I wasn't! I taped it :P
me: I watched most of it, until she called
April: lol!!!!!!!
me: why are you laughing?
April: u r so sad, watching it cos of your bf :P
me: I'm not watching it 'cause of him!!!
April: yeah, right
me: ok, maybe he's a tiny reason

I feel so restless now 'cause all I want to do is see my favourite Bus Guy. Too much free time makes me think too much which isn't a good thing since I rationalise that he decided it won't work and it's over. From yesterday's conversation I got the feeling that he doesn't feel like I'm into this as much as he, even though I'm probably more about excited about it than him. I just don't say it 'cause I don't want to sound too clingy. I wish I could just transfer my feelings to him so he can know how much I like him.

Anyway, I'm starting to realise that I'm behaving in a very annoying way. Must stop.

The Real Relationship

David told Miguel, his sister, his Mum and friends back in South America.

I've told April and Andy.

He said that just because he's told quite a few people about us, didn't mean that I had to, and that I should do it when I'm ready.

My major problem with publicising this (among people I know) was that I wasn't sure how long this was going to last and didn't want to tell people we were together, only to break up soon afterwards. But knowing that he's confident enough to tell so many people makes me want to tell my other friends and family too. Although the fact that he had doubts about our relationship working (when it has only started) still makes me nervous.

I'm at the stage where I'm just happy to hang out with him, without thinking of any 'real' relationship issues. I guess he's more serious about that stuff 'cause he's more experienced. Just being with him makes me happy. That's all I need.

A Turnaround

I think I might cry.

David: do you think this is going to work?

My heart just fell when he said that. We were laughing and talking about nothing when he all of a sudden said that. I asked him if he thought it would. He said he really wanted to but we'd have to actually act as a couple which he didn't feel we've been doing. He wants us to be able to talk openly about anything.

David: If you have any problem, I want you to be able to talk to me because I'll always be there for you. If we're going to be a couple, we should be best friends. I'm not perfect so if you feel like I'm doing something wrong or pushing you to do something you don't want to, you have to tell me. We should be able to talk about any issue
me: do you have any issues you want to talk about?
David: well, other than being more open with each other, I'd like to see you more than once a week.

I think I might cry. From happiness.

Bad Timing

Today, we (Director and I) had a meeting with the Cinematographer about how the movie is going to be shot and where to place the camera, lighting etc. I gave some input which the Director really liked.

He told me Friday are the audition callbacks which finish at 6, the time I have to meet my friends. I'll leave a little early but won't have time to go home and change and make myself look presentable for 'night life'. Such a dilemma. David is always so presentable, I'll be a mess in comparison.