Reflection

People who are overly sensitive, insecure, take things too personally, indecisive, unsure, scared, nervous and anxious really annoy me.

I wish I wasn't all of the above.

Lately people tell me, "You are getting too skinny" but not a positive way. Yet, I love the way I am now. They all think it's due to stress. But I know it's because I stopped driving to work, walk a lot more and do the dance class every week. I don't eat much either because I'm freaked out that most things I'm eating are either bad for my skin or for my stomach (which aches regularly). It's putting me off food. At the same time, I have cravings for chocolate and wheat. I'm sick of healthy food. I'm also sick of paying so much attention to what I eat.

And yes, I am stressed. Only I can't complain much because David's too stressed with working, studying and assisting with the unit.

My Mum is being really overbearing too which really stresses me but she doesn't understand. She thinks she's calming me down but she's not. I tried telling her this but she got really defensive and upset.

I also cry too easily. It's always been my biggest weakness. I just can't control my tears when I'm upset. I hate that.

All I want is for David to put his arms around me and acknowledge that my stress is not an overreaction on my part. I want to go to that safe place where he's making me smile and laugh and I don't feel like there are needles in my gut. I want to feel like I have nothing to worry about, that I will always be happy and loved.

Sweet Life

David and I ordered our wedding cake on the weekend.

The place looked like a museum. Each cake was a piece of artwork. They offered us some samples which sealed the deal. We're going to have the yummiest cake, which will hopefully look great too.

We also bought floor boards for our new place. It doesn't sound that exciting but I was so excited to be picking out the floor and the thing that goes around it, forgot what it's called.

We get the keys next week!!!! Ohmygod, I can' t believe it, we will be owners of a unit (and "owners of a mortgage" as David put it). This is too grown-up but I'm so ready for it.

On Sunday, met up with the school friends. Handed out invitations to those who haven't received one. They were so excited about the whole thing. We also decided on the theme for the hen's night which I can't wait for! A reason to dress up never goes astray.

Too many exciting things happening!!! I'm bursting with excitement.

Last night brought me back to earth though when at about 9pm, I got bad stomach pains and started losing conscience. I was freaked out but it passed and I'm fine now.

Not Well

My stomach really hurts. I don't know why and the doctor doesn't either. All my blood tests came back fine so I've been sent to a specialist.

Unfortunately, the specialist can only see me at the end of August. Panadol (and such) doesn't help. I don't know how I'll cope for a month. It's driving me crazy.

I really hope it's not anything serious. I have my wedding coming up! I can't be sick! But hey, knowing my history, I always manage to pick up some unlikely disease.

I haven't seen David since the weekend. He doesn't have a car. I'm too sick to drive there. It's very frustrating.

To top it all, I had a headache all day today.

Home Again

I'm back and I'm sick. Had a stomachache for the last two weeks. And for the hundredth person who's going to ask me, no, I'm not pregnant.

The Inner Child

I completely lost my voice today. It was so frustrating 'cause there were so many people I needed to call at work but I couldn't. That meant that I couldn't get on with some important work.

Everyone was really nice though, even though they couldn't help but tease me in their middle-aged way ("Were you at a Rave all weekend?", "You just don't want to talk today, is that what it is?", "This is a coming-of-age"). They answered the phone for me and everything. Nothing like the stupid publishing job last year where Renee made me go home when I asked her to answer the phone for me when I couldn't talk.

When I left, they all wished me well. Every single person.

Don't know if I should go to work tomorrow. I mean, I don't really feel sick. It's just my throat. Although I think I might have a slight fever.

Wish David was here. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone.

I'm so spoilt, every time I'm even a little sick, I want him to come and sit with me.

I was watching my POBian series and there's this guy who's after this slightly immature young single mother. When he told her, "I want to take care of your child", for a moment I thought he meant, "I want to take care of your inner child". That would've been just the most perfect line. I would love for someone (well, David) to take care of my inner child.

Her Tiny Life

There wasn't much to do at work so Amelia and I emailed each other.

me: I'm so bored at work that it was really nice to receive your email so I have something to do (i.e. reply to it).
Amelia: I'm bored and feeling guilty and on the internet too. it's a match made in heaven.

It sure was. Don't know why but I was feeling sleepy too. And hungry. I've been snacking on things that don't have gluten or sugar but they're not filling at all. I just eat and eat them and still feel hungry. Even though they don't seem to contain many nutrients, they are making me gain weight since I keep eating. And they don't even taste nice. What a waste.

Saw Amelie look-alike at the shopping centre again. Don't know why but I'm so fascinated with that girl. I even had the urge to go up to her and chat. I couldn't stop thinking about her. What was she like? She was chatting on her mobile when I walked by. Kept wondering who she was talking to. Started to imagine what her life was like. (Don't worry, I'm starting to creep myself out too.) She's probably just some ordinary girl working in retail. Who knows, she might even own that stand. A young businesswoman... hmm...

Don't know why but I kept imagining her coming home to her tiny but cosy flat and feeding her cat. Then she'd plop on the old couch and watch TV blankly for an hour. She'd glance at her watch and realise that it would be time to make dinner. She'd go to her tiny cramped kitchen, take something out of the freezer and heat it up in the microwave. Then she'd sit at her small round table and eat quietly. After dinner, her boyfriend would come over. I can imagine her opening the door for him. He'd be tall and scruffy looking. When he'd come in, they wouldn't talk much. They probably wouldn't have much in common. He'd touch her hair and then they would have sex on that small couch. They might fall on the floor. He'd take off her glasses. She'd find it hard to see but wouldn't care. Her life would feel like a big blur to her even with her glasses on. Then he'd leave, tell her he'll call. She'd nod. Then she would go to bed and cry softly.

Don't know why I imagine her to have a lonely life.

The Orange Relief

My Mum thinks I've gone mad. And I would agree with her.

I found a way to distract myself from my painful sugar cravings (you'd think I was withdrawing from drugs from the way I go on). Peeling oranges. Who would've thought such an ordinary activity could have such a calming effect?

The thing is I don't even want to eat the oranges (unless they're sweet). I just want to peel them. I was feeling so on edge because I couldn't have chocolate and didn't want any more fruit that I went around the house asking who wanted an orange, just so I could peel one.

I peeled it perfectly and then made a picture out of the skin.

No, I'm really not going crazy. Much.

I'm becoming like one of those obsessive compulsive people. Only instead of washing my hands 17 and a half times, I peel oranges.

Why isn't it as easy as just stopping eating the food? You'd think, just don't eat it. What's so hard about that? Maybe I just lack any sort of will-power.

Blogging also helps, which might explain why I blogged three times today. I also washed the car, which I very rarely do.

My cravings for David also increased a lot. Maybe to make up for the chocolate. I wish I could've seen him today but he had to study and apply for internships. I wish he'd pick up his phone now. I bet his sister is on the phone and he's not in the same room as his mobile. Argh.

I have also been getting carried away with plans that I shouldn't be making right now. Is it my fault that I wish David was around 24/7? Maybe if he wasn't so freaking lovable, it would be easier to only see him on the weekends. I don't think I can wait another 18 months. I'm sure they'll go quickly when we reach the end, but right now, every hour seems to drag on. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not a patient person (even though people at work seem to think I am). I guess it's easy to be patient for things you don't really want right now. David is a totally different matter.

While I'm at unloading my frustrations, why the hell did my stats go down? Damn, I promised myself I would never point out that I care, but I mean I don't write this blog just so I can read it. I guess readers who liked reading about the loneliness of my single life aren't really interested anymore. And I don't advertise this blog on blogger like I used to. And I don't plan to. Gosh, the paradox of wanting people to read, yet wanting to stay anonymous.

I hope I get over this want to share my personal life with the rest of the world. It's so self-obsessed. Not that I deny that but still. I need to stop thinking I'm such an interesting person, because everyone else thinks the same (I mean, that they're interesting), which means that I'm just like everyone else. Oh, I think I already wrote about that at one point during my three years of blogging. I feel like I'm just repeating the same ideas and not coming up with anything new.

Even my relationship is not offering any new insights. I mean, I know everyone gets that I'm crazy in love with a guy. What else is there to say? Yeah yeah, I know there's plenty but it's all the same, going in circles. I miss David blah blah. He's the best etc.

I think I need to go and peel an orange.

More Diet Whinging

You can't even imagine my disappointment when I looked at the ingredients on the lemon muffins mix and another biscuit pack once again and saw something that I didn't see before - "raw sugar".

Fortunately the only other pack of cookies that I bought was still ok for me to have. Only I finished it already and have to wait till tomorrow till I can buy it again (since the shop is near my work).

The good news is that I've already lost weight. That's the only thing in this whole situation that makes me feel good. I mean it's so pathetic that beling slimmer is the only thing that can make me feel better about this diet that was supposed to improve my health.

My Dad (and David) thinks it's rubbish. My Dad has this wonderful theory that you should eat whatever you like because those foods make you feel happy and when you are happy your immune system is better so you are less likely to get sick.

My Mum suggested that I should do this for another week until I see the naturopath and then if she asks me to continue, instead of cutting those foods out completely, just reduce the intake. I think I can live with just eating wheat and chocolate less often than not eating them at all.

Food Fakes and other Stuff

In the deepest of my horrible diet despairs, I saw some light - by the name of Orgran.

They actually make cookies without wheat, sugar or eggs, AND make them taste like cookies. A miracle. Maybe in the future they can make chocolate without cocoa, milk or sugar. I can always dream, right?

I also bought some lemon and poppyseed muffin mix. That doesn't even sound like healthy diet food! All I have to do is add water and put the mixture in the oven.

Of course the downside of these miracle food manipulations which make food out of nothing, is that not only is there no gluten, sugar etc, there's also no nutrition. This stuff doesn't give you energy or make you less hungry. All it does is satisfy cravings for the things you can't have. (Which should definitely not be underestimated, by any means.)

After work, I went to the library to distract myself and got a nice book which I will hopefully enjoy.

I also need to do some housework that I've neglected and fix (and clean) my car.

My favourite TV show is on tonight which I'm looking forward to.

What else can I say? As you can see my more regular blogging shows that I have more spare time again and don't have to stay back at work. It's great. I wish I didn't feel so tired though so I can get more stuff done. Maybe I'm just lazy.

The dance classes that I'm attending are going pretty well. Not even close to the fun I had in salsa classes, but interesting nonetheless. I don't know what it is about salsa that makes it so much fun. Could be because I love the music and even simple steps look pretty impressive. The dance I'm learning now is more difficult and requires a lot of flexibility. But, as with anything, things that seem impossible now become easy with practice.

Catching up with Amelia every week is nice too. We don't get to talk much during the class, other than make 'witty' comments but we get to catch up a bit when I drive her to her house. It's nice.

Haven't spoken with April for ages, but we still communicate through emails and our private blog.

Oh, April is online. So I will finish here.

No More Chocolate

Chocolate cravings, sugar cravings, wheat cravings - BAD!

All day.

I mean there's only so much fruit, vegetables, meat and rice I can eat.

Why me? Yeah, I'm feeling very sorry for myself which is very stupid. I mean I have a boyfriend who supports me, I have no reason to be unhappy. The sweet guy actually said he'd do this diet with me. Such a naive boy. I told him not to even think of it. He's not in the position to refuse himself important energy foods. He said he still won't eat them when we are together. Whatever. I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realises how freaking hard it is.

I was being so pathetic, I almost cried last night when I told David about it.

I'm sure if I was single, I'd happily trade living on this diet with having a boyfriend.

I made myself feel a little better by thinking that at least I'll lose weight and would look great in all sorts clothes. Just hope my face won't start looking sunken.

I wish I didn't like chocolate and bread so much... I mean I'd be ok to cut out all pastries and biscuits and all that if I could have some cocoa and wheat.

In My Body

You make a phone call to make an appointment with some woman who does naturopathic allergy tests, recommended to you by your new naturopath (since you've been going to the clinic for so long, the two previous moved on to new jobs).

The woman tells you she does this test from home.

You have thoughts of how dodgy that is and if it's even safe but think you can always sue your naturopath if something goes wrong.

You can't help but wonder if this is some scheme where they lure you into some apartment where they make you prisoner and slave for some human/drug traffickers.

You find the house in the cul-de-sac street, park your car and go up the stairs.

You ring the doorbell.

You hear the TV being switched off, some shuffling and finally an elderly woman opens the door.

She smiles; she's been expecting you.

Her apartment looks cosy and a little mystic with astrological and scientific posters everywhere, soft couches and candles. Looks like she lives alone.

She asks you to follow her into a tiny room where there's a strange machine, a bed with white towels and lots of tiny tubes.

She hands you a leaflet with information about the procedure. You read 'NON-INVASIVE' in capitals and skim through the rest.

She asks you to hold a bar that connects to a pen-like tool and the machine. She inserts different tubes into the machine while poking your finger with the pen-tool.

When the machine makes a long noise, it means you are sensitive to that substance.

She reads out what she's putting into the machine.

"Shrimp" - Beep
"Cauliflower" - Beep
"Chocolate" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

"Not good," she says. Great, you think.

"Wheat" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
"Sugar" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

You go through most substances, while she tells you that you have bad digestion, parasites in your intestines, cells aged 50 years old etc. (She calms your mind by telling you that it's only because you've got a lot of toxins in your system and that you are very healthy otherwise, just need to detoxify).

You tell her you eat healthy already. She says she can tell but you'll still have to cut out all sugars, grains, chocolate and fats completely while taking a variety of herbs and vitamins.

You tell her you've already went through the 'Elimination Diet' a few years back and it didn't make a difference. You don't want to go through that again. She tells you it's different because this time you will be taking naturopathic medication at the same time.

She tells you that you can claim the money from your medical fund because she puts it down as a 'massage'. How nice.

So from now on until indefinitely you can forget any food that might contain wheat, gluten, sugar, cocoa and milk, and everything you can eat, you can't overdo because that could lead to problems too.

Aren't you glad it's not really you, but me?

Not a Laughing Matter

80% of my weekend was spent in bed. Fortunately I'm feeling better now. I can tell this because I'm finally able to get up and actually want to eat. (You could really tell I was sick when the sight of chocolate and fresh bread made me want to throw up.)

I'm still getting stomach cramps but it's not a constant anymore. And I don't feel like sleeping or even lying down. Definitely must be getting better.

Went to the doctor on Saturday but he couldn't find anything wrong with me. Said it was a bad case of the flu. I never knew you could have a flu without having a sore throat or a blocked/runny nose. My stomach was just in pain and he discovered I had a fever (something I very rarely have).

Was annoyed at David. When he called, he said, "Stop lazing around". I told him that's not exactly what I wanted to hear when my stomach was hurting. He said, "I was just trying to cheer you up". How cheery of him.

Ok, so I know he's stressing about his exams but he could've at least been a bit nicer to me. I don't think he understands the concept of illness because he's never really been ill. He doesn't know what it's like to feel so weak, you can't get up. I mean, I couldn't even remember a time when I felt like that. Still, he wasn't as sensitive about the whole thing as I would've liked.

I guess I just wanted to know he was worried about me and I really didn't get a sense of that at all. And I got even more annoyed when he said, "I wish I didn't have exams so I could look after you" and I said, "No you don't," and he said, "But it sounded good" and started laughing. So I got mad. He thought it was really funny. I explained to him that I didn't have any sense of humour when I was sick and he was like, "Oh, why not?" Someone wasn't getting my point at all.

Then today, even though I was feeling better, I told him that I might not be able to go dancing with him this Friday to celebrate the end of his exams if I'm still not feeling the best (so it doesn't get worse). And rather than saying, "Of course not, we'll go another time. I just want you to be in perfect health as soon as possible", he said, "Oh! But that's all I really wanted to do this Friday".

Argh.

And when I wished him good luck for his exams tomorrow, he didn't even wish for me to get better.

I might be acting like a child but he raised my standards of him. Before he was always extra caring. So now I expect him to always be like that.

Headache

My head hurts.

I wish David was here.

That's all.

That Time of Year

The germs that have been flying around the office and my house have gotten to me too. Couldn't avoid getting a cold. It started Thursday night. First it was just a bit of a sore throat. I told David it wouldn't last long. I think I was trying to delude myself, more than anyone else. He said, "First it's a sore throat, then you lose your voice, then you have a blocked nose, then you get a runny nose. And then it'll be over." Eh... thanks for that, I have so much to look forward to now.

I told him I'd be fine driving to his house on Friday night (i.e. yesterday). Friday night came and I felt so sick, I called to tell him I just couldn't. Felt really guilty 'cause I knew he's been really looking forward to meeting up. I think if it was nicer weather, I might've tried to get to his house but the storms that I drove through from work (taking me double the time to get home since it was impossible to see with all that water splashing into the windows) only made me feel really sleepy.

I called to tell him. He said he expected that and would come to my house instead. I told him I was pretty sick and I didn't want him to catch it. He said he didn't care, he just really wanted to see me. I told him to be careful driving (since the route between our houses was pretty bad, especially in this weather). He said that was even more of a reason for him to come rather than me because he didn't want me driving in dangerous conditions. I told him I didn't want him to either. He said he'll be careful.

In less than an hour he was at my house. I must've looked a real mess because I was just in my home clothes and my nose was all red, my eyes watery. He said, "Someone left something at your door". I looked down to see a package. Then I realised it was from him. It was a present for our anniversary.

To be honest, last Saturday, I was a bit disappointed he didn't get me anything. When I gave him his present, I realised he didn't expect it. He thought we were celebrating by going out for dinner and then making use of the free hotel room and buffet breakfast. I wasn't too offended. He does plenty of nice things for me all year round. But I guess he felt guilty.

He got me a funky looking necklace. He said when he saw it, he liked it straight away. I couldn't help but smile inside that my boyfriend had a taste in jewellery. He also gave me my favourite dark chocolate and a card. What I loved most was what he wrote inside. It was so poetically and romantically cheesy, I couldn't stop laughing. He added, "I didn't copy it from anywhere. That's how I feel". There is no way he really feels like that about me. Come on, honestly, I'm his 'inspiration'? No way. I wanted to ask him to elaborate on what he wrote (with examples to illustrate his points) but I think that would've been a little rude and unnecessary.

Amidst all my laughing while reading it and all the "Awww....."s, he said, "You didn't think I had a poetic side, did you?" I told him I always knew he was very romantic. Being me, I had to add, "And not one mistake. I'm touched!" I didn't expect him to reply, "I wrote it on a piece of paper first". He wrote a draft?! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think that's one of the sweetest things he's ever done.

After several more readings, I noticed he did have mistakes but I didn't tell him. Didn't want to hurt him when he put in so much effort.

I remember when I used to think he wasn't smart because he couldn't write properly but now I think he's just more mathematically/science inclined. A lot more. I mean we have these logical puzzle toys that no one can ever solve. Yet when he got his hands on it, he figured it out in minutes!!! I remember telling him, "Forget it, no one ever solves that one". A minute later, he did it. Unlike everyone else who just plays around with the puzzle toy, hoping something would happen, he actually studied it to see how it was made. Then in a few simple moves solved it.

After that I was like, who cares about his English, he's a mathematical/engineering genius.

We watched Prison Break. Very suspenseful. At the end, David got so excited, he just hugged me suddenly and said, almost bouncing on the couch, "Oh Sky!!! I can't wait till next week!" And he says I'm a kid!

By the end, I could barely breathe (because my nose was so blocked). He said that if I felt the same way on Saturday night, I shouldn't go to Claudia's party. I told him I was going no matter what. I mean, April said she might not come because she was sick, so how would Claudia feel if half the people don't turn up? I would be very disappointed if I was in her shoes.

David was pretty sweet yesterday. Not that he made me tea or chicken soup or any of that stuff but he did come over and amuse me for a few hours. And sort of looked after me in his own way. I was trying not to come too close but he was like, "Why are you so far away?"

Times like these make me really happy to have a boyfriend. Someone to love me when I'm at my worst.

Like Creepy Crawlies

I wish there was a website that had all the medical information in one place. Every case, every experiment, every finding. With an easy search engine.

My urticaria has been driving me insane today. Imagine ants/flies crawling on your legs and arms, and every time you try to brush them away, they multiply.

Apparently it's because I have too much cobalt in my system. How it got there nobody knows. What I'm more interested in is how to get it out. I've been following my naturopath's advice but it hasn't really improved. She said to give it 6 months which are not up yet. I worry that nothing will change.

After vigorous internet research, I still haven't managed to find anything useful. I wish there was some study going on about this condition. I know the specialist I went to ages ago had some conference about it years ago. Maybe I should call him and let him know that my naturopath found a very likely cause. Funny, an experienced doctor couldn't do anything other than try to relieve my symptoms while a young health practitioner managed to find the invisible cause of my problem.

Medicine has so much further to go in its development. My Dad told me that there are only several mathematical problems which haven't been solved. While in medicine... well, too many to count.

The Temporary and the Constant

At about 10:23am I went to the toilet. (No, I'm not telling you this because I have absolutely nothing more exciting to write about.) My bowel wasn't having the best time and I had to spend longer than the usual there. (Please, don't squirm yet.)

As I was washing my hands, I noticed that my urticaria started up (as I haven't been taking my medication regularly in the last few days since it was running out). I didn't want to go back into the office with red patches on my face so I decided to wait until they disappeared. Unfortunately they weren't disappearing as fast as I would have liked.

By this time, I was already in the toilet for about 15 minutes. I decided I couldn't spend my whole day there and went back to my desk, thinking that no one would immediately stare at my face long enough to notice any redness.

Staring at the floor, I quickly walked past everyone when I heard, "Surprise!" I looked up to realise everyone was standing in the middle of the room and a cake was sitting on the table. The main guy started saying how greatful he was to have me there and they got a cake for my last day. Then everyone focused on me and spoke at once - "Did you have a good time here?", "You did such a good job!", "What will you be doing next week?" etc. The editor yelled over to the main guy, "So, we'd definitely look her up if we need anyone?" and the main guy said he would.

Then before the editor left to go home, he came up to me and said, "You've really contributed here and you've done great work on the magazines. We really appreciate it. And you've been a very nice person to work with too! If we ever need a graphic designer, we'll call you." I said, "Call as soon as you can!" He laughed but I think that got the message across.

Then the girls were so great. They kept saying how good it was to have me there, with their "Awww....." looks on their faces which made me believe they'd miss me.

There are no words to describe how much I'm going to miss that place. I've never felt more appreciated for all that I can bring to a workplace. Unlike other temp jobs where I did admin work but was still really liked, here I actually got to show my skills and have them approved. It did so much for my confidence in my abilities after losing most of it during the unemployment stage. Which I'm back to next week.

I was supposed to go to David's house tonight but he called to tell me he was really sick. First time in 3 years. As soon as I got home, I got a call from him. We ended up talking all evening.

At one point we got onto the subject on G-strings (in a very practical way). I told him I never bought any because I didn't know if they were comfortable or not. My Mum and I were actually talking about it on the weekend. She never bought any for the same reason. I told him this and he said, "I know my Mum has them" and I said, "Maybe I should ask her". So he actually called her and was about to ask himself! I was horrified that he didn't realise I was joking. How weird would it be for a guy to ask his mother if G-strings were comfortable, for his girlfriend. I stopped him in time.

Yesterday I talked to his Mum on the phone and she started telling me about her operation in detail. She casually threw out words such as 'vagina' and 'bleeding' which shocked me. I realised where David got his open nature from. If his Mum talks so freely about G-strings, sex and personal female problems, it's no wonder David is so communicative. Maybe later I can thank his Mum for making him so open to any discussion.

I talked to his Mum for so long last night, David told her to hurry up and give him a go.

Today I was saying how I need more exercise 'cause I've put on more weight (something I'd never say to him before in case he didn't notice but now I just say anythng that's on my mind. That's how comfortable I am with him.) In response, he said, "I think you're perfect." I told him I liked when he lied like that and he said, "I really think you're perfect". He's the best liar. I actually believe him.

Adore

I had a wonderful busy weekend.

On Saturday, I went to the dentist. It wasn't as bad as last time (i.e. didn't feel the usual pain).

Afterwards, I went to Christine's party. All the guys (Evan and Mike) came which was unexpected. I could've invited David. What was even more unexpected was that I had so much fun that I didn't want to go to David's house, as I promised him I would. Don't know if it showed because when I forced myself to get up and tell everyone I had to go, Mike said, "I'm going to call David and tell him you're crying because you don't want to leave".

At the party, I noticed how cute Mike and Claudia were together. It's good that I have my own perfect boy so I didn't feel any envy, only pleasure that my sweet quiet friend found someone who obviously adores her. At one point, Claudia's top slipped to one side revealing her bra strap and Mike fixed it for her because she obviously hadn't noticed. It's so cute how he looks out for her.

We played some board games and for once April and I managed to come first. We were ecstatic with joy because we're usually hopeless. I guess I could mention that Claudia was also on our team and definitely helped.

For the next game, Christine made us change teams so I had to go with Evan. Now, that was a little awkward.

When I got to David's house he was in a bit of a weird mood. He was just watching TV and I got a little bored, especially having just come from a really fun get-together. He noticed. As he always does. Turned out he was invited to go out and couldn't go because I was coming over. I told him he should've told me because I wouldn't have minded but he said he didn't want to change our plans. Anyway, I managed to cheer him up. Not hard. He's like a kid when he's feeling down.

Then we were talking and somehow got onto the topics that we need to always avoid - religion and politics. He said something that got me so upset I had to leave the room. I went to sit on his balcony. It was nice and cold to numb me. I knew he just didn't articulate himself properly but I was still so mad that he said what he did.

A few minutes later, he came outside and asked what I was feeling. We started talking about everything. How we had different views on issues we feel deeply about but how neither of us wants to break up and how we could overcome our disagreements because we just wanted to be with each other. I started crying, for the second time in three days. For the same reason. Felt so weak but David was really good about it, like last time. He said he would start a family whenever I wanted (earlier than he originally planned) because he just wanted me to be happy. I tried not to take that statement too seriously in fear that he might not really mean it and I didn't want to get my hopes up. Although, the fact that he thought about it practically (e.g. he said I should get a job before we start planning anything) made me think that he was serious about what he said.

Realised once again that if we talk things through, we always work everything out. Before, I used to think that being in love was not enough to sustain a relationship but now having the experience in being in one, I realise that when you really love each other, you're willing to compromise or even ignore certain things because you just can't imagine being without one another.

David begged me to stay over and even though I felt a bit weird doing that, I was too tired to drive home. Called Mum and for some reason she sounded worried. She wanted me to come home but she didn't want me to drive if I was tired.

We had a really good talk. I told him things about my family I never discussed with anyone. It's amazing what memories come to me when you have someone who wants to know you inside out. I told him how I felt about relationships and how I wanted to follow in my family's example because all my grandparents, parents and most relatives are happily married. He said, "This is like a pyjama party! Tell me more." I felt so lucky to have the coolest best friend. One of the reasons I think we get along so well and connect with each other is that even though we're adults, we both have a childish nature.

I was supposed to leave in the morning, but David was like, "Please stay for lunch!" with his puppy eyes which I couldn't resist so I stayed. Called Mum to tell her. We had to go to the shopping centre to buy food for breakfast. That was cool, almost like we were married or something. David noticed and said it was cool to go shopping together.

We watched "Schindler's List" because I wanted to after reading "The Girl in the Red Coat" (which I loved) and David got a little emotional. While we were watching, he kept hugging me and saying, "I'm so happy I have you. Don't want anything happening to you". Yes, I could've been a little bit weirded out by his sudden emotional state but it felt strangely comforting to feel so important to someone, especially him.

I was about to leave after the movie when he said, "Stay for dinner and then I can come over to your house". I couldn't believe he was serious. Don't know why but I was so happy he was coming back to my house with me. I had already started to freak out about tomorrow and I needed any distraction I could get. Mum called to see where I was and when I told her I was still at David's, she was like, "Have you decided to move there?" Last time David spent the weekend at my house, his Mum said the same thing to him. I said to David, "My Mum thinks I'm moving here and your Mum thinks you're moving to my house" and he replied, "But we're really moving out somewhere else, together". Exactly what I was thinking.

Getting really nervous about tomorrow.

me: even if I get fired again, it makes me feel better knowing I have you
David: you'll always have me
me: promise?
David: double promise
me: even if I get fired hundred million times?
David: yes

The Right Flavour

Sometimes there's nothing sexier than seeing your boyfriend in the kitchen, cooking.

I noticed I was turning into one of those annoying people who tell you how to cook properly (i.e. my Mum). Thank God, David is very easy-going and didn't get too bothered by my 'advice'. He said, "You're like a little mosquito... but a sweet one". I tried to stop with the cooking suggestions but it was still painful to watch him wash spoons of rice down the sink. The "don't throw out any food" mentality had been drilled into me by my Mum and grandmas from a very early age.

Have to go to the dreaded dentist tomorrow. Trying not to think about it. Then I'm meeting up with school friends. Finally I am free to go to something Christine organised. I hope she'll be pleased. Hopefully I won't be in too much pain to enjoy the party.

Afterwards, I'll be going to David's house. Third day in a row. Hopefully we won't get too sick of each other. Although it would be nice if we do so that I don't miss him too much next week.

Sick Leave

I cannot believe it's only been two weeks of my new job and I've already taken three out of five sick leave days. Woke up feeling worse than yesterday so thought there's no point going in if they sent me home when I was feeling better.

When I called to tell them, Renee asked, "Do you think you'll be coming in tomorrow?" It's so not fair how she can start making me feel guilty when she's the one who made me go home when I was capable of being at work. I know I could've lasted yesterday at work if I wasn't made to talk.

Went to the doctor's again (gosh, I'm becoming such an April) and she told me that if it's not tonsilitis, then it's glandular fever in which case nothing can be done anyway. Such great news to hear.

Had a blood test done. Every time the nurse is about to stick the needle in my arm, I get a little anxious that it's really going to hurt but when it's in my vein, I always find myself thinking, "That's it?"

I just want to get back to work and be able to do all that I need, which includes talking a lot.

David finishes his exams today so I want to be healthy to enjoy all the extra time we'll have together. Will now get to see him more than just on the weekends, like it's been for the last couple of weeks.

Pressure

I think today was a new record. I went to work for the whole of 10 minutes! Pretty much as soon as I came in, Renee told me to go home. I said that even though I wasn't able to really speak, I could still do other work but she said that it wasn't a good idea to infect other people and they they managed fine yesterday without me.

How could they manage fine?! What about my job? I need to do it. I can't be seen as unimportant. Maybe it's just that they're not so busy at the moment. Of course they need me.

Well, at least they know I really am sick and not just taking days off. It would've looked bad if I didn't show up for two days in a row. Much better to come looking really bad and being told to go home.

I promised to call David yesterday but just as I was writing him a message to say it hurt too much to talk, he rang me. Pretty much from my "Hey..." he knew something was wrong. It really didn't help that on the weekend I kept going on about my chemical balance (or I should say 'imbalance') results. He now thinks that I'm the type of person to always get sick. I think it's karma because of all the times I got annoyed at April's constant sickness. I'm starting to feel more understanding. It's really nothing anyone can do about. You can't help getting sick.

He now thinks I'm weak which is so not what I want him to think (even if there might be some truth to it).

David asked if I wanted to go to a see a band I never liked. I said no. He then said that his sister isn't allowed to go unless he comes and he isn't going if I'm not. So his sister isn't going to be too happy with me. I told him that wasn't fair to put all the pressure on me because I'd never do that to him. He said, "I'm not you so I would". And he was only half joking. He knows I don't succumb to such pressure because it's not like it's $20. I'm not spending 70 bucks on a band I don't even like. I think if he really wanted me to come, he and his sister could pay for my ticket. It's only fair.