Another End

Last day of 2006.

A little hard to believe. But I guess the last day of the year always points out how time passes. Very quickly in my case.

As you may know this year has been quite different to my previous ones. First of all, I had a career related job for most of the year. Secondly I was in a relationship for all of the year. Thirdly, well... there is no third.

Another big recent change has been with this blog. And considering this has been a significant part of my life for the last four (can you believe it?!) years, this change has been a bit of shock.

But maybe I'm dramatising, as usual. Maybe I thought that change would be a shock when in reality, I haven't been really affected. It actually gave me a reason to stop blabbing about every personal thing to the world (well, a tiny part of it that comes here).

I hope next year brings a different sort of change. The type that I've been discussing for the last few days which left me emotionally exhausted. I wish things would be simpler. You know, boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl live happily ever after.

Unfortunately the boy can make things so much more complicated than that, leaving the girl feeling very confused.

If only the girl was a simpler sort of person and didn't mind feeling confused, or even better not feel confused at all and just go with the flow. Too bad that 'going with the flow' is not part of the girl's nature. The girl wants to know what, when and how, and not in a year or even a month, she wants to know right now.

Oh and also because the girl is even more complicated than that, it's not enough for her that the boy agrees to do what she wants to make her happy. She wants the boy to want to do it for himself. She doesn't want the guilt of forcing the boy to do anything and she definitely doesn't want any future resentment from the boy.

Hence, the whole situation is complicated.

And to make it better, this is all happening just before New Year's Eve, creating a tense and heavy atmosphere when it should be relaxed and light.

Hopefully the boy and girl can enjoy the night (in which they will barely see each other) and greet the new year with certaintly and united excitement for the future.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and that next year is a successful one for you. Thanks for reading.

Daytime TV Escapism

I watched 7th Heaven today and felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I can't believe that show is still on. The kids have grown so much!

Here is how I remembered the youngest daughter:



Here is what she looks like now:



Firstly, she looks like she's adopted and secondly, that show is quite addictive. Right now the middle boy is about to get married, and the middle girl already has a kid.

All of them get married young. They haven't even finished college.

Like April would say, this type of TV show is escapism. It's almost like leaving your life and being invisible in someone else's large family.

In TV shows like that, everything seems to be going on in very small confines, creating a geographical intimacy, something that's quite difficult to recreate in real life.

It's fun to imagine being part of that family. Who would I be? Another sister or someone who happens to live there by other circumstances? I always imagined myself to be Lucy - the middle over-emotional but fiery child.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next instalment in that family's saga.

Being home is proving to be great, something I haven't had in a while. Unfortunately time is flying fast and before I know it, I'll have to be at work again.

A Little Annoyed

I'm a little annoyed Christine tried to change my New Year's Eve plans after I spent time organising it.

I'm a little annoyed Claudia and Mike would rather go to another party on New Year's Eve.

I'm a little annoyed I have to go buy the tickets for New Year's Eve by myself.

I'm a little annoyed I have to rush to meet Amelia at a specific time. (Although I'm very happy she's coming.)

There are many other things I feel a little annoyed about.

But even being in my 'a little annoyed' mood, I can't help but feel very lucky because I have what matters most.

The Single Girls and Me

Last night I went out with April, her friend Ella and Ella's friend Liz (also Nadine's friend). Who would've thought I would know Ella through April and through Nadine (two completely different people). But anyway...

Ella and Liz were very entertaining, especially Liz because I didn't think she had one bit of self-consciousness and said things I only wished someone would say.

We went for dinner in a little square with lots of restaurants. Since we were still early, there were waiters standing outside trying to get us to come into their restaurant. And they were all very flirty.

When we were reading one menu, a young Italian guy came out and started chatting us up so we'd go in. Unlike April and I who would just smile and keep looking at the menu, Ella and Liz were getting quite friendly.

They asked if there was anything happening in the area on Christmas and he said he'll be working all through the night and he would feel a lot better if we came because he "would love to serve" us.

We ended up moving to the next restaurant where we were served by a strange Asian lady who said, "If you're not ready, I will come back in five minutes because that's my job". A few minutes later she came back and said, "Five minutes are up, what will you order?"

When it came to picking something, Ella was even worse than me. I'm usually the one who's indecisive, but she took ages.

As we were eating dinner (which was yummy), the same lady came up and started saying how she had to work for Christmas. Liz told her about a "cute waiter next door" who will also be working so maybe they could have a "pash" after work.

April and I were a little surprised hearing Liz suggest this to a stranger.

Then the waitress said, "I have to work past midnight, then my husband's going to pick me up at 3am, but I'll have some time to go over for a pash before then."

Later, the same waitress came to our table and said, "I'm 23 years old and I'm married. Girls, don't get married! I come home from work at 12am and have to do the cooking and washing for my husband. It's horrible! I don't even remember last time I've been to a club". Ella kindly said, "Well, you can say good-bye to that now!" Even though we all laughed, I felt pretty bad for the lady.

The waitress wasn't our only entertainment during dinner. Liz was going on about her new boyfriend. How she didn't like the language he spoke (POBian) and she told him never to say anything to her in it (which would really offend me if David said the same). She also said she hated his POBian friends because they were too "POBian". She also told him they had to talk to each other every day! I found this a bit stalkerish considering they only met a month ago (on a blind date).

Listening to her made me realise that I'm a pretty good girlfriend. I was never clingy, I never made David do anything, I never tried to change him (too much) and I was always interested in his background and culture. I mean wouldn't you want to find out more about the person you're dating?

But like I said, Liz is a little strange.

What I really enjoyed though was when they said, "Sky, you're the one with the boyfriend, give us your advice!"

Even though I liked the request, I don't really like to give out advice, in case I give the wrong one. I just go with my usual "everyone's different".

After dinner, we walked past another restaurant where one of Ella's family friends was having dinner with a group of friends.. And Liz waved at him. I didn't notice this so I asked, "When we go back, can you show me who he was?" and Ella was like, "Please don't wave again!" but of course Liz smiled flirtily and waved at him again. The guy probably thought she was into him. If only he knew she was doing it just for fun.

We went to a bar. We were sitting in a booth, chatting. I loved that Liz and Ella were so open with their private lives. I love listening to those sort of stories and my friends are usually quite closed off about that stuff.

Liz started to get annoying with her, "Sky, why hasn't he called me yet! It's been 2 days!" and checking her phone every two minutes. Her boyfriend was on a holiday with his friends so I didn't want to say, "Maybe he met some hot girl and have forgotten about you." Instead I said, "If it'll make you feel better just message him with a casual 'how's it going, hope you are having fun'". And she whined, "But why can't he call? Sky, you have a boyfriend, tell me!"

Since I wasn't psychic, I told her I didn't know. He could've been busy, he could've been waiting for her to call, who knows. There could've been a hundred reasons so rather than worrying about it, I told her to try and distract herself.

The distraction came in the form of a guy who apparently went out with their friends a few years ago. She called him over and told him this. This lead to the guy trying to guess who this girl was. He went out with a lot of girls because he kept guessing wrong and couldn't remember this person. But he did manage to ask if Ella had a boyfriend and if he could have her number.

Ella said no because firstly she didn't want to go out with someone who went out with her friend and secondly he was too immature. I could tell Ella really wanted a boyfriend because she was trying to explain (more to herself than us) why this guy was wrong for her. We didn't need convincing, he seemed like a player.

She was even friendly to another guy who just invited himself to sit with us. He was drunk but he asked Ella for coffee. She said no. Unfortunately since April and I were sitting on the other side of the table, we couldn't hear a word that was exchanged between the guy, Ella and Liz. All we could see was him taking over her personal space.

If I were Ella, I'd just ignore him but she actually kept talking to him and smiling. Seeing the way she was acting made me realise that no wonder all guys were going for her. Other than the fact that she's the type of girl most males think is hot, she was just so receptive and always smiling.

While the second guy was with us, the first one kept walking past us and staring. April and I decided he was jealous and wondering why he's been replaced.

If the second guy wasn't enough, we saw Ella's family friend (who we saw earlier) in the same bar. Liz didn't hesitate to wave at him again. A little while later, he came over too. He was a bit shy and didn't know what to say after the 'How's everyone?" greeting. The first guy was still pacing back and forth in front of our table, looking at the new guy. April and I found it really amusing.

Liz wanted to dance but no one else did. I would've if there was anyone else on the dance floor. I felt pretty bad about it because I knew what it was like to want to dance when no one else wanted to join you. I think she sensed my hesitation and tried to drag me because she knew April and Ella were lost causes. Since I didn't budge, we decided to go home.

In the car, after we dropped off Liz, Ella commented how even though there were a few guys, there were no good ones. Then she asked how David and I met. I told her the story and got the same reaction I always get, "That's fate". Then she said to April, "I guess we just have to wait for it to happen and nothing we can do now". I told her that you have to be open to opportunities, that's all you can really do.

It was an odd feeling being with these single girls (who reminded me so much of old myself - the frustration, the helplessness to do anything to control the situation) and there I was with a boyfriend. Just gave me such a peaceful feeling.

Ella asked if David had any single friends. So now I have two people to set up. April's already going to be set up with someone from David's work. Now I have to find someone for Ella. The good thing with her is that I'm guaranteed that whoever I set her up with will like her. She's impossible not to like. Now I just need to find the guy.

I told April that we have to invite Ella and Liz with us all the time because they just provide so much entertainment.

Shopping with Boyfriend

Why you should never go clothes shopping with your boyfriend:
You will end up buying more than necessary because he will think everything looks great on you.

It's silly asking boyfriends for advice about that. I mean, he's your boyfriend! Of course he'll think you look great in everything.

Reflecting on 2006

This is becoming my annual blog tradition so here it is.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Belly dancing, samba

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
None, but I explored some more of my state.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A husband and a permanent job.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
David and my 1 year anniversary. We had the most incredible time. Ahh...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Proving myself at work leading to an extension of my contract. (I hope I don't jinx this and not get it extended again. A little scared.)

9. What was your biggest failure?
None I can think of!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I slammed my finger in the window and it still hurts. Also some teeth problems (my fault, ate too much chocolate)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new lovely red shoes and the dress I still haven't had a chance to wear.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
David's and April's and Claudia's.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one actually.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Savings

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing David and extension of my contract at work

16. What songs will always remind you of 2006?
Heaven by Bryan Adams

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter (driving to work does that to you)
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dancing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eat unhealthy food

20. What are you glad you did more of in 2006?
Read

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Probably with my parents, grandparents and David

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes, all the time.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
The POBian show, How I Met Your Mother and Desperate Housewives

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

25. What was the best book you read?
The Dirty Girls Social Club by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez. Just so satisfyingly enjoyable.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ricky Martin (no laughing! I'm in love with his Spanish songs)

27. What did you want and get?
A job in my profession

28. What did you want and not get?
An engagement/wedding

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
None. I'm very disappointed with the current state of cinema.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and I spent a wonderful evening with my closest friends at a POBian restaurant.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
An engagement/wedding

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Various - from sporty to fun to chic and anything in between

33. What kept you sane?
Nothing and no one. I was insanely in love and could not be snapped out of it.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
None

36. Who did you miss?
David

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Some women from work

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006
Enjoy the present because soon it will become the past.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

40. What will you be doing to ring in 2007?
In the city with my friends and going to visit David at work at midnight.

Another year over...

Like Being Naked in a Dream

Scenario
You are invited to a safari themed party. You are told everyone will dress up in safari suits and jungle themed clothes. Even though you don't find the theme very flattering, you go along and wear something you're not too comfortable with.

Then you arrive to find everyone dressed up in formal wear.

(Typical Bridget Jones moment.)

Do you:
a) enjoy yourself anyway because a confident smile is your best asset
b) turn around and go home
c) feel extremely uncomfortable, get in a bad mood, and don't talk to anyone

I always imagined myself to do 'a'. It's not important what you wear, it's all about the confidence. However, no matter how logical my mind was, I wanted to do 'b' but then settled on 'c'.

Not only was I upset that I was denied the rare chance of getting dressed up but I felt like everyone was thinking how strangely I was dressed (probably all in my mind). In the end, they probably thought I was some anti-social recluse not joining in even one conversation.

Ended up leaving soon after the dessert. Felt horrible and guilty for being so ridiculous and ruining what could've been a fun night. And the worst was that it wasn't only my night that was affected. That's what made me feel even more terrible.

I wanted to snap out of my vain state but I just couldn't. I just wanted to be curled up in my bed and pretend the whole night was a bad dream.

I learnt that I wasn't as strong as I thought and didn't have the confidence and will-power to make the best of a less than desirable situation. Realising that made me feel even worse and just made me want to retrieve within myself even more.

Fortunately, I was understood and got sympathy, which I didn't really deserve. When someone tries to put the fault onto themselves and make you feel better by being just so damn understanding, it makes you feel even guiltier, but it also lifts the dark cloud you feel you're under and makes you feel more sane.

Just glad the whole thing is over.

New Year

My sorrow disappeared, having left a shadow for memory
And quietly, for ever saying goodbye, day left
The whole world is waiting for a miracle, in windows of large houses
Snowed-in city will wait for its dreams

New Year, forgotten garden in the snow
I can't anymore live without you, as before
At New Year's Eve, dreams come true
Melody and you - saviour and hope

Firewood will burn in the fireplace, only ashes will be left
And you, from now on, don't hold malice for me
You'll be daydreaming of summer, your hand warming a glass
We're the only ones in the universe, I waited for you

New Year, forgotten garden in the snow
I can't live without you anymore, as before
At New Year's Eve, dreams come true
Melody and you - saviour and hope

Listening to POBian holiday songs makes me remember... the magic, childhood, chocolates in snowman shaped boxes, snow, sliding down iced hills on cardboard...

I talked to my grandma who lives there and she said it's beautiful there now. Coloured lights everywhere. But the weather is really warm for this time of year. The temperature is in positive numbers but no sun.

And here we are, cold in Australian summer.

Had a Christmas dinner with the girls last night. Ellen, Valerie and Beth were there too. Since the reunion Beth was interested in meeting up with us again. The only person missing was Amelia.

I had such a great time! April, Valerie, Beth and I couldn't stop laughing. I think Claud wanted to join in 'cause she kept looking at us but she was sitting a little too far away from us so she was stuck with Ellen and Christine.

April was in a suit, after work. I wasn't used to seeing her so business-like. I wasn't the only one because the others commented about it too. April, the lawyer, I can't quite believe it. She's loving it so I'm very happy for her.

Christine proved her tongue. She said to April, "I can't not tell you but your jacket is way too big for you. I'm sorry, but it is".

Typical. April didn't reply. It reminded me of a few years ago when Christine told April her beloved white cardigan was a grandma looking jumper and that she should get rid of it. Surprisingly, April never wore it again.

April is a very skinny person so all clothes look too big for her so it's not nice to point it out. But as always, whatever is on Christine's mind will come out of her mouth.

Beth was really funny. I haven't seen her in so long, I've forgotten how entertaining she is. She reminded me a bit of Amelia with her 'out-there' comments, but with Beth, they were said in the most innocent way.

After dinner, April and Valerie went to another party so Beth and Claudia walked me to the station. Made me once again appreciate my school friends. My uni ones would've just left me in the middle of nowhere and left, whereas Claud and Beth even offered to walk me to the actual platform. That was obviously not necessary. They told me to be careful.

While the three of us were walking, Claudia (out of all people!) started to tell me how her parents won't let her go on a holiday with Mike and they won't even let her sleepover at his house because they only have one thing on their mind. Beth pointed out that parents don't understand that their kids will find ways to do whatever they want anyway.

Then Claudia asked if David and I got one bed or if we got different rooms when we went on holidays. I tell my friends pretty much everything but whether I share a bed with my boyfriend is something that will always be private and nobody's business. I told her that getting two rooms is way too expensive and ridiculous. I also told her to tell her parents she and Mike can get two beds in a room if they want to travel.

Anyway, Mike's moving out any day now into his new place so I don't think Claudia's parents will be able to stop her from doing anything.

April and I are predicting that her moving in with him is only a matter of time.

Can't believe it's the end of the year already. I find that time seems to be flying lately. I mean, it's Christmas in a week!!!

2006: Line by Line

The object? Go back to your very first post of each month during 2006... copy the first sentence of each post you made and post that in a new thread in your blog, talking about your year in review. You'd be amazed to see what you wrote back then.

January
Happy New Year everyone!

February
What's more of an incentive to want a job other than money?

March
Job searching is so daunting for me.

April
Yesterday I felt summer ending.

June
- let her have her way (if it's not too crazy)

July
Since yesterday, I'm at my temp job full-time.

August
I saw something today that I just had to share with you.

September
I just realised that for a long time now, I've been blogging to regular readers rather than any new ones and since most of the old ones left a few months after I started going out with David, there's only about 5 people who read my blog.

October
The long weekend is almost over and even though I'm getting the "end of long-weekend blues", I know there'll be plenty more in the future.

November
Some person from David's high school has a blog where he writes about people in his grade.

December
Things change.

Lesson learnt: write more exciting first sentences.

Loss of Selfish Independence

Things change. I can no longer write what I want. This is no longer just me with only my own boundaries. This is now affected.

And I understand. I've even stopped caring too much. Can't have everything. Ever. Too many contradictions, too many double standards. Life is never squeaky clean. And I've accepted it. It makes sense that way.

I guess it's about priorities. What's more important to you? You have to pick. When you pick what makes you happiest, you realise the other thing must not be so important. This is the other thing.

Doesn't mean it's over. I can comprimise.

It's just going to be different now. That's all.

You can ask questions, you can guess, you can speculate but you won't get any answers about this from me.

The Residents of Old Life

Yesterday I visisted my grandparents.

They were telling me stories of people who lived in their building in POB. Some of them I've heard many times before but I never tire of hearing about POBian life before the 21st century.

The building my grandparents lived in was populated with artists. Musicians, actors, composers, painters, you name it. Before my grandma and grandpa got their apartment, they had to be interviewed to make sure they were the right calibre of people. My grandma said they had to show references from their managers. When they saw that both of my grandparents were engineers, they let them in.

I lived in that apartment until my brother was born and I visited many times after that. I still remember the pianist above us who would play late into the night, not letting me sleep. My grandparents said this pianist wasn't the only one who disturbed the quiet. In a different part of the building, there was a theatre actor who hosted parties after the plays, which would always run late into the night. People complained. The landlady was quite strict so usually people who didn't consider the comfort of others were dealt with.

I never liked this lady because she told off me and Ivan for building a cubby house in the bushes at the back of the house. She also told us off for annoying a group of girls who also played in front of the house. We never bothered those girls but they felt that we were using 'their space' (which was why we decided to move our play area to the bushes behind the house in the first place).

When my grandma said that there never was much trouble, my grandpa reminded her of the orgy that some girls had in their apartment with police evicting them and blood stains left on the walls.

I also remember when a very rich family moved in on the first floor. The girl was driven to school (5 minutes away) in a black limousine and guards never left her side. I saw the father from my grandparents' fifth floor kitchen window but don't remember the mother. I think the father was a diplomat.

These were just some of the people who coloured the landscape of that building's life in the late 80s. There was also a doctor who gave us check-ups when we were little and with whose kids we played, the ordinary piano teacher who introduced me to the conservatism of a music school, the old friendly high school Art teacher who got sick and died and a myriad of other people that will always be fragments in my memory.

Another Anniversary

Last Monday was David's and my 1 1/2 year anniversary. It might not be a big deal to people who've been together for years but it is a bit of a big deal for us.

I met him in the city after work. He was wearing a suit because he went to the parliament for some youth conference. He was very hyped up afterwards and his excitement was contagious. I was really happy he was being active in something that he was passionate about.

I met him in the legal area of the city and he could've easily passed for a lawyer finishing work. He said I looked like a uni student.

We had a nice dinner of Spanish/Latin American food. It was very yummy (and overpriced). We were acting out such a cliche date. We clinked glasses of sangria and held hands across the table, staring into each other's eyes.

I couldn't help but comment on the whole scenario. I said, "I guess we have to act like grown-ups at least sometimes".

He got me a present which was a bit embarrassing 'cause I didn't get him anything. He got me something I've always wanted but would never get for myself. As you might know, I'm a chocoholic and he got me a box of assorted gourmet dark chocolates. He told me that when he went into the store, the first question he was asked was "What's your budget?" He continued, "I thought, you gotta be kidding me, it's chocolate, not a car!"

Even though recently I've been going on about how much I love POBian chocolate, the one he got me was just as delicious. Dark ganache, praline...

He caught the train with me that day and I couldn't lean on his shoulder long enough 'cause we kept talking.

Don't know why but lately I felt like I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms as soon as David leaves. I don't know what to do with myself. I just waaaaaant him. Talking on the phone just makes it worse 'cause I can' t hang up. We talked for at least 2 hours last night. Then when I went to sleep, he called me again "to say good night" which lead to another conversation.

David has started to consider continuing working his new job (which he hasn't started yet) full-time and study part-time because he doesn't want to lose the opportunities that job can bring him. That gave me hope that maybe we can move our 'plans' to an earlier date. Wish he would just figure that out himself without me hinting.

I'll have to wait till he starts the job to see if it's worth changing his studies to part-time. If it's not going to provide him with enough relevant experience, it's not worth it.

Thinking about him working nights started my selfish thoughts to come to the surface. How we won't be able to do stuff during the day 'cause he'll be sleeping and how I'd want to sleep at night when he'd be fully awake.

Anyway, I'm sure everything will be fine.

I just miss him like crazy, especially that I haven't talked to him properly today since he was so tired he went to sleep at 9pm.

I can feel myself turning into a crazy person, addicted to a person and not being able to concentrate on anything else. And there's nothing I can do to stop this obsession.

High School Reunion

High school reunion was SO much fun! People I wanted to catch up with most didn't show up which was a bit disappoining but I enjoyed checking out everyone. Not like you can come up to someone you haven't seen in 5 years and ask them about their personal life but watching everyone was great too.

Some people looked the same, others just 5 years older. What surprised me most was how the girl who had a 2 year old child hasn't changed one bit since she was 18! She looked exactly the same. Gave me hope that having kids doesn't necessarily make you look older.

It was also interesting to see who brought partners. One girl surprised me and brought a girlfriend. When we saw them come in, we recognised the girl from our school but couldn't rembember who the other one was. She was wearing a tiny black dress and knee high black leather boots. Then we realised she was the partner of the girl from our school.

One weird girl asked me straight out how my love life was (while David and Mike were entertaining each other elsewhere) and it was so great to reply, "Oh, you haven't met my boyfriend, have you?" The shock in her eyes was very satisfying. I bet she only asked me because she expected me to say I didn't have anyone.

As soon as I went to introduce her to David and Mike, Mike blurted out, "So you are the famous one?" and I had to pretend I had no idea what he was talking about. Seriously men don't understand the concept of gossip. After she left, I told him that yes, that was the girl who studied law, was in the army and did pole dancing (great combination, I know).

Later, when I went back to talk to April and Claudia and we were discussing of ways to get the weird girl to talk about pole dancing (since we only knew from Amelia), Claudia said, "Look, she's picking up our boyfriends" and yes, that girl was chatting to David and Mike. When Claudia and April went to talk to someone else from our school, I went to talk to Mike, David and the weird girl.

As soon as I got there, the girl looked at me anxiously and asked, "How do they know I do pole dancing?" I couldn't believe the guys brought it up!!! I really didn't want to put Amelia in a bad position. After I managed to make the whole thing seem really casual, we talked about it.

After she left, I asked the guys why they had to ask her about that! And Mike was like, "Weren't we supposed to?" and David said, "We ran out of things to talk about". I don't think there's one manipulative backstabbing bone in either of those guys' bodies.

The reunion made me realise that the people I'm friends with I see anyway and I didn't have many friends I lost touch with. It was great to catch up with Allison though, and Beth (who was also quite surprised that Claudia and I had boyfriends for so long).

Mike asked me if I was quiet at school (probably 'cause people weren't running up to talk to me) and I was embarrassed to tell him that I was so I said I was like Claudia. He was really nice about it and told me that he didn't even go to his school reunion because one person he wanted to see didn't go. I was happy he kept me company while David was talking to another girl's boyfriend. Mike is the only guy whose personality I quite like but cannot even imagine being with. I never thought there'd ever be a guy who I could just be friends with.

I actually felt a little weird talking to David and Mike most of the time. In any other situation I would've been quite happy to be with the guys but that day it seemed kinda pathetic. I wonder if the other girls thought anything of it.

Afterwards, David, Mike, Claudia and I went for dinner. It was really great to go out with another couple (one I really like).

I don't know how David did it but he managed to get out more interesting gossip than me. He told me the boyfriends he talked with didn't see their relationships as very serious. He told me one guy was going overseas for a year and his girlfriend was staying here because he wanted to go and do his own thing.

I was a little upset when he told me that he jokingly said to another guy, "This place is full of girls and you can't do anything about it". I told him that when he said stuff like that it reflected badly on me, like I had a boyfriend who didn't really care about me.

Later he told me that there were so many girls but there was no one as hot as me. I couldn't believe he said it 'cause there were plenty of nice looking girls. When I gave him examples, he said, "Don't remember any of those. They weren't anything special". I knew he was probably just saying that but I couldn't help feel a little exhilirated because I wanted to believe that he really thought that way.

I was a bit sad that David couldn't catch the train back to my house with me 'cause it was late and a long journey. I closed my eyes and imagined David sitting next to me, with his arm around me and leaning on his shoulder.

The next day, I wished I could relive the reunion 'cause the feeling of seeing so many familiar faces which you haven't seen in years is undescribable.

Late Night Chatter

It's half past midnight and I don't want to sleep.

This is amazing as I usually start to get sleepy around 10pm and fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.

Don't know what's so different about today.

My parents had a party so I went to David's house. We had a bit of an argument. I think he wishes I was more of an activist and cared about the state of the world, people and environment. And not only cared but tried to do something to improve it.

I had to explain to him that's just not in my personality. I'm too selfish. I only care about people I love and not strangers on the other side of the world. I don't believe I can make a change so I'm not motivated to do anything. I know I can make people around me happier so that's something I try to do. I doubt sending money to some child in poverty is going to make any difference. I don't trust charities and don't believe the money goes where it's supposed to.

He got quite upset and said that ignoring the 'problem' was being part of the 'problem'. I told him I didn't see any 'problem' and was quite happy and satisfied with things the way they were. He got agitated and said, "Are you happy that people are getting killed and we're wrecking the environment?!" I replied, "I don't see how I caused people to be killed" and he said, "You support governments who do that". That really angered me for obvious reasons. And then, he had the nerve to accuse me of 'accepting things the way they are and not questioning anything'. I mean, honestly! This coming from a guy who believes in God.

Anyway, same old argument again. Got resolved in the same old way. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

I noticed that David and I are in a new phase of our relationship. We no longer have the intense urge to talk to each other every second we're together. We're quite happy doing our own thing, as long as we're in the same vacinity.

For example, on Thursday night when David was here, I was chatting to April online while he was watching the news.

I guess this could be attributed to the fact that we've been seeing each other almost every day and don't feel like we have to make the most of every minute.

To be honest, before I used to be scared that we'd be the sort of couple who doesn't talk all the time they're together and who doesn't desperately need to spend every second with each other. I thought that meant that we don't find each other as fascinating as we once did and that the 'spark' was gone. But now I realise that I love what we have now. We've reached that sort of comfort level with each other where we don't need to speak all the time, we're happy to be silent, as long as the other one is near by.

We now accept each other a lot more. We know each other a lot better so there's no need to talk about ourselves as much. Before we used to talk non-stop about what our lives were like before we met. Now we know all that. We know when the other is upset or why without saying a word. I feel unconditionally loved so don't care about feeling grumpy or irritable in front of him. I know he won't leave me over it.

He puts up with me even when I'm not in the easiest mood. During those times he calls me his 'grumpy ant'. I asked him, "Why ant?" and he said, "'Cause you're small and a hard worker". I told him I didn't know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment.

He learnt how to say 'darling' in POBian and continually practices it. It's adorable. I asked him how to say 'darling' in Spanish and he said "Papi chulo". So I called him that for a while, every time 'causing him to burst into laughter. I said, "Is it my accent?" and he replied, "Yes, baby, it's the accent. You say it so cute".

Then I decided to look it up because I had my suspicions about what it meant. Google it and you'll see what I mean. That cheeky boy. Even though now I know it doesn't mean 'darling', I say it anyway just to make him laugh. It never fails.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow... I miss him like crazy already.

He really wanted me to stay over but I felt uncomfortable doing that 'cause that meant he had to sleep in his sister's room.

Can't wait till our weekend away (in 2 weeks)!

Went to the dance class today and there were only two other girls there so some other instructors joined in. I started feeling really uncomfortable because not only were they excellent dancers but they also looked hot. All fit and toned and tanned. Even though I'm pretty average, I felt huge and jiggly.

I told David about it later and he said, "Man, they're plain! They've got nothing to show. You're beautiful. Flat skinny girls are ugly. I hate that look. You're perfect. I love the way you look." Although that was kinda offensive to flat skinny girls, it made me feel better 'cause as you can probably tell, I'm not very secure with how I look. And I'm not built to be skinny. Although I could definitely tone up.

I came up with a resolution for next year on my way back to the train station. I need to smile more. All the dancers were beaming the whole time while my face was neutral. I don't think smiling comes naturally to me. I feel fake always smiling. I wish I was a smiley person, you know the type. They always got a smile glued to their face, making them appear very inviting and friendly and warm.

People probably think I'm not happy 'cause I don't smile for no reason.

Well, now I'm getting sleepy. Good night!

The Aura

Some people have an aura. You know, the type of people you glance back at and wonder what their life is like.

One person with an aura is my neighbour. Not the guy I mentioned many posts ago who I had a crush on, but his younger sister (my brother's age).

As I was driving up the driveway, she was standing in front of her house, probably waiting for someone to pick her up. She was wearing some short flowery pattern dress that tied around her neck. She had a great natural tan and sun-coloured sandy brown hair. If it wasn't her natural summer look, it must've been her pose that drew me in. She was kind of rolling from one foot to the other in a child-like sort of way and craning her neck to the side, looking into the distance.

My mind wandered...

She was waiting for her boyfriend. It was probably another one of her guy friends that declared his feelings for her. She kinda liked him 'cause he was cute and a little hot, in a surfie sort of way.

They were going to a friend's party. It was going to be loud with a large crowd. She knew most of them. Everyone would come to talk to her because everyone loved her. She was the popular girl.

There'd be some girlfriend of hers with a broken heart who'd confide to her in the bathroom. Of course she'd make her feel better, probably bitch about the guy who broke her friend's heart and then gossip about someone else. They'd hug and go back to the party.

She'd dance. And get a little drunk. She'd be loud and laugh a lot. She'd make out with her boyfriend in the corner.

Next day, she'd be at her house. Her older sister and her brother with his wife would come for dinner. She'd talk with her Mum while making salad.

They'd sit outside and have a cosy family dinner.

Her life would be perfect.

Now that I can snap out of someone else's imaginary life, I will go back to my own quite happy (if not as socially busy) life.

Not Our Song

David asked me, "What's out song?" and I had to tell him I didn't know. There's no one single song that's 'us'. There are many which remind me of David but nothing that describes us perfectly or have a special meaning to us.

If we had 'our song', it would make you want to dance, to laugh, to cry. It would be about friendship, surprises, lust, eternity. It would be upbeat but have a subtle deep meaning. It would be about natural love, no tackiness. It would have a Latin rhythm, POBian soul and a universal heart.

Lily and Marshall

Did I say just how much I love How I Met Your Mother?

And did I say how much David loves it too? We both watch it with great enjoyment.

A while ago I asked my brother (who also likes it) who his favourite character was and he immediately replied, "Ted," because he could relate to the nice sweet guy who wanted to meet 'the one'. A little later I asked April (who also watches the show) the same question. She replied, "Ted" for the reason of wanting to find 'the one'.

Personally I liked Marshall because he reminded me of David, the really intelligent guy who's a kid at heart.

Last night I asked David who his favourite character was and he said, "Lily because she reminds me of you".

I think we're becoming more perfect for each other with every second.

The Case of the 'Right' Bra

Shopping for bras is not my favourite activity. Especially when I need those every day ones, not the cute pretty ones ('cause shopping for those is a lot more fun).

The reason for my distaste for such activity is that I find it nearly impossible to find ones that are comfortable and 'effective' (girls, you know what I mean). It's almost the same as trying to find a pair of great jeans.

A couple of years ago, I've stumbled on what can only be said as singly the best bra ever (for me). And for $10!!! I think it might've been even a bit less. I cannot even describe my satisfaction at how perfectly it fitted me and how great it looked under clothes, while looking good without them too. Anyway, don't want to go into the details of that.

Being the wise 18/19 year old (however old I was at that point), I've brought four (all they had in the store at the time), having read in some column how quickly the styles of bras changed, making it impossible to get your hands on a new version of the style you've grown to love.

Now, after about 3 years, I'm almost up to my last new bra of that style and I'm getting a little anxious as I found out after emailing the maker (yes, that's how desperate I got) that the style has been out of stores for a couple of years now and was suggested to look for other styles to suit my taste! A man wrote that. He obviously doesn't understand the pain of trying to find a perfect bra.

I've started looking in stores for other ones but nothing even comes close to the one I already have. Sure, there are some 'ok' ones but I don't want them. I just don't like them.

Times like these I wish I was a guy. Or with magical breasts that fitted perfectly into every bra.

At the Dance Class

My Saturday morning dance class is dimishing with every lesson. Only 5 people (including me) came today.

I tried to be friendly and asked, "How's it going?" to a woman (a little older than me) and she immediately replied, "Had a date last night!" I was surprised that she said that 'cause I would be scared of sounding like someone who never goes out on any to point it out like that.

I asked her where which lead to her telling me she lived only a suburb away from me. When we were talking I mentioned that I used to go to Salsa lessons last year but not anymore, even though I'd like to do it and she said, "Oh, come with me!" I just smiled.

Do you think it would've sounded weird if I said, "I don't want to without my boyfriend"?

The instructor (a gorgeous smiley girl) was telling us about her social life and how she was performing in a show tonight. I felt some envy. I wanted to be that gorgeous, dance that well and perform in a show. I noticed she had a face that even though was nothing spectacular in its features, looked really good put together. Maybe her dancer's personality shined through which gave her that happy glowing look.

Oh Gosh, listen to me. I'm like some jealous bitter woman. I guess I just like imagining what it'd be like to have a really exciting life.

Useless Shoes Dilemma

Today at lunch, at the shopping centre, I was internally debating the merits of having green shoes.

Recently something hit me that made me want to buy yellow shoes to match a yellow top (something I don't have). I imagined myself in this bright summery look for a couple of weeks now.

Then today, at Sportsgirl, I saw really nice bright green shoes. I thought to myself that green might also look well with jeans and a green top (something I do have).

The problem with highly saturated coloured shoes is that you have to wear something of the exact same shade of colour. I mean, bright green shoes will not look good with a pale green top.

I only have one bright green top that would go with those shoes so it seems like a waste of money to buy shoes which I could only wear with one top.

As I was standing there, I thought what I'm sure lots of other people think when they want to buy something that's not really necessary, "Do I really need them?" Of course I don't. But, "Will I regret not buying them?" and enjoying this stage of my life when I can be a victim of fashion and not look ridiculous? I mean, will I regret not enjoying fashion as a young woman, when I turn 40?

Those questions were followed by "Do I want to spend almost $100 on shoes I probably won't be able to wear in a few months when they go out of fashion?", "I'm sure I can find something that I could wear for longer for that much money".

I left the shopping centre without those shoes, but now I'm thinking, "Would the same style in red be better to buy?"

The Start of David's Career

David got the job, David got the job! Yippee!

He called my mobile while I was driving to work. I thought he was going to say that he got asked to work today and couldn't come over tonight but when I called him back, he told me the great news.

I'm so excited! And so is he.

He's actually going to get career-related experience.

One little problem: he has to work at night (like 11pm-7am). Of course we both knew it and even though there's no way I would ever be able to do that, David feels confident that he can handle it. He said he'll work at night, sleep in the morning and see me in the afternoon.

I just hope he doesn't wear himself out.

Anyway, it's not forever so hopefully he'll be ok. He's young and strong.

Fingers crossed he won't have to work on New Year's Eve (which is a high possibility). If he does, I'm already thinking how I can come to his work. I have this vision of me turning up with... something sparkly in my hand and saying "Happy New Year!". Of course he'd get all excited that I was there and it'd be a night we'd always look back on.

Tonight we went to his step-sister's daughter's house to wish her youngest daughter a happy birthday. David got the perfect present. He told me that the 3 year old girl told him she liked Dora so he got her a Dora bath toy (the rubber one that floats). She even had flippers and her little companion.

Now I'm home, without him. But the good thing is that he's coming over tomorrow after work so I don't have to wait too long.

Between the Lines

David finished his exams today. I don't know who's happier, him or me.

We can again see each other as often as we like. Which is pretty much all the time.

Went to his house straight after work today. Got there just as he was coming back from picking up his Mum. After saying hello, his Mum asked, "Where's the kiss?" I didn't understand what she was talking about. David was just saying, "Muuum!" Then she repeated more clearly, "Why didn't you give each other a kiss? David, give Sky a kiss!"

How embarrassing! I guess I should understand why David has no issues with displays of public affection. Although that obviously doesn't include his parents.

I wonder if his Mum thinks we are not very affectionate. But just 'cause you don't see something, doesn't mean it never happens.

Later we were chatting and David was telling me about giving advice to some guy at uni. This guy liked a girl who wasn't really into him and was quite upset about it. David told him, "You have to move on. There are plenty of other chicks". Also, since this guy wasn't very good looking, David added, "Girls don't really pay attention to how you look. What they want is someone confident and funny. You got the funny thing going but I look at you and the confidence isn't showing".

I told David I was impressed with his advice because from my own perspective, he understands exactly what girls want. Well, what I want. I told him that I agreed that looks aren't that important, it's more about how the guy makes her feel.

Then I said, "If you seem to know what girls want, tell me what guys want". He replied, "That's more difficult because some guys just want a root, some want a casual relationship. I want a serious one."

I said, "Ok then, what advice would you have given me when I was single?"

He answered, "You hung out with the wrong people. April is too depressing and she never wants to go anywhere. Amelia is outgoing but she scares guys off. She never gives them a chance because she thinks they all want one thing. Your uni friends just hang out with each other. You needed to meet different people. I think you were always at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Then I said, "Except the one when it really mattered".

We wondered where we would have been had we not met each other.

After dinner, we went to see Little Miss Sunshine. Very nice film.

We agreed to meet tomorrow. Can't wait!

(It's weird, as I was writing this post, I tried to give it a sense of what happened but now I realise I missed all the stuff that made time with David as wonderful as it was. You might just have to read between the lines).

Black and White

As people who read this would know, I'm in a multi-racial relationship. Even though that's technically the truth, I don't feel it all. Probably because when I think of 'multi-racial' relationships, I imagine a very dark African man and a fair blonde woman. Or a Caucasian guy and an Asian woman. Just two people who look very obviously different.

And although David and I are different, it's not that obvious. We could pass for two Europeans. What I mean is people wouldn't notice our difference in the streets.

A couple of days ago, David said to me, "I don't think our kids would look like me. They'll be white". I told him that wasn't necessarily true, they could get his genes. Then David said that they'd probably be white because half his genes are from his Dad who had brown hair, fair skin and green eyes.

I asked him if he cared and he said something I didn't expect. He said, "This may sound racist but I'd prefer if they were white, they'd have less problems if they go overseas".

He said that even in South America he experienced discrimination because of his skin colour. That shocked me because he's pretty fair for a Latin American guy. He explained that even in South America there's discrimination against dark coloured people since there are plenty of Caucasian looking people.

I remembered seeing on Oprah that even Africans prefer lighter shades of brown so maybe the South American thing is similar.

We are so lucky to live in Australia where most people couldn't care less what you look like or where you're from. David's Native Indian/Hispanic look is a big reason why I'm worried about taking him to POB where he would really stand out and may attract unwanted attention.

Whatever our kids look like, be it white, black or in the middle, I'm sure they will be gorgeous and most importantly I hope that they're healthy and happy.

My Everything

I was driving to David's house last night and I felt just ecstatic. Just overwhelmed.

Got to his house and was just so happy. Talked with his Mum a lot. That was nice. I hope I always get along with her.

Then spent time with David. Did I say that he's the most wonderful perfect person, ever? I probably have but I can't say it enough.

I might've thought I was really unlucky before because I never had anyone but now I realise that I'm lucky after all. Very lucky.

Recently, we've been discussing housing and such. Things like where we want to live and how we can afford it. He realises now that we can't buy straight away, it's just not realistic but that doesn't mean that we can't get together. Fingers crossed that he gets the job that he applied for tomorrow. It would be such a great stepping stone for him and would allow him to contribute to our savings. I've been saving a lot but it's still not enough.

Anyway, I can't help but wonder when this whole 'thing' will become official. I'm predicting early next year. Might have to mention to him how long it takes to organise the 'ceremony'. Don't know why but I'm scared to use the official words. Even when we talk, we don't say, "When we get married" or "at the wedding". We say "When we get together" and "At you know" instead.

However, he did call me his family. (And his 'musa' and inspiration, but now I'm just showing off.)

It's strange but lately when someone (like from uni) tries to organise something, people always have excuses such as "I have an engagement party to go to" or "I have to go to a friend's wedding". I guess it's that time now. Instead of 18th and 21st birthday parties, people go to weddings and housewarmings.

Can't wait for my turn. Can't wait till David's with me all the time, not just on occasional evenings and weekends. And talking several times a day is getting a bit too much too.

Also it'd be nice that when we go places, we can come back together.

The only problem I can think of with moving out is that it'd be really weird to have a new home. I'm so used to where I live now that it would take some time to feel at home somewhere else. Hopefully David will make the transition easier. Home is where the heart is, right?

And also of course it'd be weird to do all the grown-up stuff like look after the household. Hopefully we can retain our childish qualities and not become a boring adult couple. David actually told me that I'm the only one he can be a kid with. That made me really happy 'cause I don't think I could be with someone who was serious all the time and didn't know how to be playful.

Last night David was my psychologist. I kept kept talking and talking about my first years in Australia at the snobby private school. I couldn't stop. It was like supressed memories flowing out. Afterwards, I just felt so good to have been able to share that with him. And he was so wonderful, he didn't get scared off, he actually said he liked listening to me! Seriously, could I have found a better partner? I doubt anyone more perfect exists.

He makes me feel really loved. The way he listens, what he says, how he knows the ways to make me laugh, the way he looks at me... What can I say, I'm in love.

Get Moving

I went for a run today. Well, semi-run... quarter run. Ok, I went for a walk and ran a little bit. But still! I actually motivated myself to exercise. I've impressed myself.

It was still relatively early but man, it was hot! I was puffing so loud when I got back.

Lately I've noticed that I started getting flabby and that's not something I want. When I put on weight, my mood plummets and I stop feeling too good about myself. Plus I have my high school reunion soon and I want to look really good for that. I whinged to David that I was getting fat and he said, "You're not getting fat, you're getting beautiful" which is exactly what he should always say, no matter how skinny or fat, pretty or ugly I get. So his opinion is not the most accurate one.

Anyway, the dancing class yesterday motivated me. Everyone there looked hot. Very fit and toned. So since the dance class is only once a week, I will exercise on other days. Plus David said that as soon as his exams end he will go with me to Ballroom dancing classes. Can't wait!

When I was waiting for the dance class to start, the receptionist (who's also a dancer) started talking to me and she was saying how she didn't want to join the Samba dance group because they make them wear really revealing costumes (i.e. g-strings). That must be annoying - can't dance because of a costume!

She was also saying how she works out with a personal trainer twice a week because she's the biggest girl in the group. You should've seen her! She's got the perfect slim dancer's body. Well, the life of a dancer.

Anyway I realised that all those people who have really good bodies usually work really hard to get them so I can't compare myself to them because I don't (well, didn't) execise at all.

That class was pretty full-on. I could barely breathe by the end. There weren't many people but I didn't mind, as long as I wasn't the only one.

Hopefully I can continue with my regular exercising.

The Meaning of Life

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about the meaning of life is: 42. Or was it 47? I never actually understood the meaning of that. (Read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

There are 36 meanings of 'life' on dictionary.com. But I assume those meanings were not the ones that people want to know.

The real meaning of life to me seems pretty obvious as everything in nature is designed to come towards the same result: reproduction.

The meaning of reproduction? Well, that's another topic.

However, everyone can create their own meaning of life. For some, they find meaning in helping others, while others don't need a reason for their life at all.

I say, do whatever makes you happy and not worry so much about the reason we're here. I mean, probably there is no meaning at all... That's life.

Over To You

Ok, everyone. I'm officially out of blogging ideas. I don't remember how I used to come up with stories out of the most insignificant events and now that things are actually happening in my life, I'm stuck for words.

So...

I'm open to suggestions. I will write about anything you want. Nothing is off limits. Well... you know what I mean.

The lines are now open. Ohmygod, I think I've been watching Australian Idol too much...

The Inner Child

I completely lost my voice today. It was so frustrating 'cause there were so many people I needed to call at work but I couldn't. That meant that I couldn't get on with some important work.

Everyone was really nice though, even though they couldn't help but tease me in their middle-aged way ("Were you at a Rave all weekend?", "You just don't want to talk today, is that what it is?", "This is a coming-of-age"). They answered the phone for me and everything. Nothing like the stupid publishing job last year where Renee made me go home when I asked her to answer the phone for me when I couldn't talk.

When I left, they all wished me well. Every single person.

Don't know if I should go to work tomorrow. I mean, I don't really feel sick. It's just my throat. Although I think I might have a slight fever.

Wish David was here. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone.

I'm so spoilt, every time I'm even a little sick, I want him to come and sit with me.

I was watching my POBian series and there's this guy who's after this slightly immature young single mother. When he told her, "I want to take care of your child", for a moment I thought he meant, "I want to take care of your inner child". That would've been just the most perfect line. I would love for someone (well, David) to take care of my inner child.

My Boyfriend, the Poet

David wrote me a poem. All by himself. I asked like 5 times 'cause I couldn't believe it. It was beautiful and meaningful. Not a bit of cheesiness.

Four lines. He said it took him a minute to come up with it. While he was studying, it came to his head. Because he couldn't stop thinking about me.

He asked if I thought it had rhythm. I said it did.

Don't know why but I keep imagining us old and grey.

A Lot

Spoke with David last night for a couple of hours. That was good, otherwise I was going a little crazy. He also said he felt weird, like something wasn't right, 'cause I wasn't there. We had a good conversation, including a misunderstanding. I think we were both just frustrated that we weren't together and started to get irritable.

All ended well. Neither of us wanted to hang up but then he said he really needed to go the toilet. Guess that couldn't have been put off for much longer.

He said, "I love you a lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot..." Went to bed smiling.

Still Saturday

Saturday night. Alone.

Reminds me of old times.

Frustrated, restless, bored. Sitting at the computer.

No life.

Sad and pathetic.

One difference - now I actually have a boyfriend.

Just feel really out of place. I don't even remember the last time I spent Saturday night without David.

David. Perfect.

Listening to POBian radio now 'cause I've been getting into POBian stuff lately. Maybe 'cause of the new show. Or 'cause I'm going there next year.

The station I'm listening to plays all the stuff that evokes emotion.
"Living without you is impossible" "na na naaa na"

Tell me how could this be
You’re not with me
Why does it hurt deep inside me
Show me where can I run
Where can I hide
From all the pain that’s inside me
I still remember the way we touched
I feel your kisses on me
You think you’re no longer in my heart
You’re still the angel I see

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

I see you touching my face
Feel my heart race
Every beat means I love you
Hold me – take me tonight
Stay by my side
Promising you’ll never leave me
I still remember the night we met
And all the memories you gave me
But if you think you can take them back
You’ll only see what I see

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

You made me feel my heart
You got to me
We were touching the edge of heaven
When you walked into this world of mine,
You stopped the hands of time

Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean goodbye
You can think you’re gone, but you’re inside me
Just because you walk away, it doesn’t mean the end
Every time I close my eyes, we fall in love again

No David Today

I won't be seeing David today.

I have a really sore throat and he has exams next week. Decided it was better not risk him catching it.

A little disappointed because this means I won't see him until the next weekend.

But I am feeling a little tired so I don't mind not having to drive there.

Just realised that it's only 5:20pm, the whole night is still in front of me. I finished watching all the episodes that I have of my new favourite show. Might go and read later.

I rejected Claudia's invitation to dinner tonight because I thought I'd be visiting David. I won't go anyway, though.

It's weird but I don't feel like going anywhere without David. Is that wrong? When he's not there, I feel like something's missing.

Dancing was great today! I slept in and only woke up 15 minutes before I had to go. Didn't really feel like it 'cause of the grey weather and my sore throat but since I paid for the whole course already, I had to go.

Of course, once I was there, I had a great time. I talked with 2 other girls/women. One I thought was about 24, but it turned out she already had 2 kids, 6 and 8 years old! She so didn't look it. Her body just didn't look like it produced two children. She said she left them with the in-laws. She also does other dancing classes. It made me realise that kids don't necessarily have to stop you from doing what you want.

It's nice to meet new people. Being stuck with middle-aged people at work is getting a bit too boring. I don't meet people my age anymore. So the dancing class is great that way.

I was so tired by the end which is great. Means I got a good workout.

I need more exercise though...

Life Update on a Friday Night

April got a job at a big prestigious law firm. They rejected her when she applied for a summer clerkship there but called to offer her a job as a paralegal.

She's very excited, as you can imagine!

I'm very excited for her too. She said she'll be working on a case that's going to receive a lot of media attention in a couple of months. I wonder what it is! A celebrity or a goverment scandal maybe?

Can't believe that my friend will be a part of such a huge thing!

Makes my job feel pretty dull.

Speaking of my job, I love it. I'm quite busy now but that's the way I like it. I've been leaving at 4:30-4:45pm now 'cause of extra work. I know I know, how good is that?!

And my work has been recognised so that makes me happy. One woman asked me if she can use the ad I designed for her own birthday invitation. I took that as a compliment. Also, got a copy of my first internal magazine with my name on the back. It was really satisfying.

So yeah, little things like seeing my work in print makes me very happy. Not that I'm changing lives or anything but gotta find satisfaction in what I do, otherwise I feel useless.

The great environment, money and benefits also add to my satisfaction.

David is going to have some trouble finding work, I can tell. He just makes too many grammatical mistakes and I can't keep checking every cover letter he sends out. I really don't know how to help him with his English. I wish I could think of something. It's also a problem that he's not an attention-to-detail kind of person (when it comes to writing) so he misses his own silly mistakes. It's quite frustrating because it'd be nice for me to have confidence that he's capable of doing stuff correctly and quickly.

Another thing I don't understand is how he manages to get distinctions in his assignments but not do so well in exams.

Anyway, I can see he's improving.

Nadine emailed me an invitation to her and Dean's housewarming. I won't be going 'cause David wants to go to a Latin American forum that day. Not that I particularly want to, to be honest. Don't know why, I just don't. I think I'd feel too out of place.

Nadine's a bit of a stranger to me at the moment.

Even the way she wrote the email didn't sound like her. And you know why it didn't? Because she sounded grown up. And I only know Nadine as a not grown-up. So anything she does that's adult-like is very strange to me.

The day after her housewarming is my high school reunion. That is something I do want to go to. And not just because it's going to include free food. (But that is obviously the main reason because I'm over wanting to see people from high school.)

David's at work today. He called me 5 minutes after he started and said, "It's pretty quiet here. Wait, I have to go to work. There's too much to do. Don't hang up." I waited on the line until the regular beep sound. I guess he hung up. He hasn't called since.

Tomorrow is my dance class again. Yay! And then I'm going over to David's. His car is broken down and he's not going to fix it until the end of his exams so I'll be going over to his house for the next couple of weeks. I don't mind. He always used to come to my place. I guess it's my turn. I hope he greets me the way he greeted me on Wednesday... like he hasn't seen me in a year.

Damn, I miss him...

My Casanova

Some person from David's high school has a blog where he writes about people in his grade. The latest entry was a short description of everyone. David translated me the one about him, "David was known for being a Casanova..."

Don't know why but the inner me is smiling smugly. I got the Cassanova. The reason I find this kinda cool is because I always imagined myself to be with a shy nerdy type of guy. I was going to be the loud and outgoing one in the relationship. Sort of like my Mum and Dad. It never even entered my mind that a guy who can easily go out with any girl would choose me.

Somehow it's funny imagining David being a 'ladies' man' because he's just so huble, sweet and kind. But wait, I guess those qualities are the ones that attract girls. Don't know why but I always imagined a 'Cassanova' to be a bit of a bad boy. Hmm, I guess David used to have enough of a 'bad boy' vibe to get that title.

And I do notice that girls flock to him in the same way that guys don't flock to me.

Not that any of it matters. We trust each other and we love each other and Cassanova or not, I will always think he's the best guy ever.

Happy

I haven't been in love with a TV show for a long time. How I Met Your Mother doesn't count.

My new show is POBian. My Mum's friend gave us DVDs of the whole serial.

At first I thought I only liked it because it showed modern POB but now I just love the characters and storylines and the subtle humour typical of POB. (I hate shows that scream out every joke, "Look, this is funny!" which is pretty much every American show.)

This show is actually a POBian version of another country's popular show, but it's very culturally POBian.

It's about a young unattractive woman who's always been sheltered from everything and even though she's smart and kind, she's lonely. However, her intelligence and innocence and goodwill slowly starts to win people over.

The show has all the feel-good themes - friendship, family, love. It also shows sadness, frustration, unfairness and the monotony that a person can live in. Best of all, it doesn't rely on cliche plots. Romantic tension is dealt with in a realistic way and doesn't overpower the storyline.

It's also unpredictable. For example, a beauty makeover of the main character done to impress the man she likes didn't make him even bat an eyelash because in real life, unattractive people don't become beautiful just by changing their hairstyle and adding make-up.

Also, even though the main character is obviously far from a stereotypical beauty, I can't help but notice how pretty she is just because of her personality. The credit for this of course should be given to the actress who plays her. She's just so real, it's hard to believe that the character isn't a living person. (The character actually looks SO much like Nadine, it's really freaky.)

Having the whole series on DVDs is also great because I don't have to wait a week between each episode.

I had a look at the website of the American version of the series and judging by the description, they changed the plot completely to make it superficial and hollywood-like. Typical.

So I'll be enjoying my new favourite show now.

True Love

Every day I want it more and more. I don't think I can wait another year. Although, of course I will.

I guess I'm just sick of talking on the phone. It's just not enough anymore.

I remember when at the beginning I joked, "Don't worry, I won't call every day" because "every day" seemed a little too much, too weird, too clingy. Now "every day" is normal, is not enough. Missing a day means something's wrong.

The yearning is so strong and always continuous. It never seems to go away. At work, at home, everywhere else. Like two magnets that want to touch but two invisible hands keeping them apart, teasing them, not letting them.

I brought two magnets with me from POB because Ivan gave them to me. It was the only thing I had left of him and in my preteen sense of love, those magnets were a symbol.

Now, Ivan is just a distant memory but the symbolism of magnets (not those specific ones, but in general) always comes to mind. Only now they symbolise David and me.

Sometimes I feel naive happiness because I don't have past relationships to jade my view of trust and love. I'm actually glad I don't have memories of pain and disappointment. To me, the ideal of love is reality and not just a fantasy dream that's been erased by experience.

I hope and sincerely wish that it will always be this way.

It's kinda odd that I've become less cynical and 'logical' about successful relationships since I've become a part of one. Before I thought that love wasn't enough. It just didn't make sense that emotion could be stronger than common sense. I always thought that feelings couldn't be trusted because they didn't have a solid explainable base. Now I realise that it's the unjustifiable unexplainable energy that doesn't seem to stem from any rational basis that has the most power. Just wanting something is enough to make anything work.

David and I want us to work more than anything. We don't know why, we just do. So nothing like difference in religion/culture/political view etc. can be reason enough for us to stop being together. It's easier to cast a blind eye, put on rose tinted glasses, avoid the topic, pretend it's not there, anything than stop seeing each other.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fear of being alone or not finding anyone better that's the real power behind keeping us together, but then I realise that it's fear of losing the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. And who wouldn't be scared of losing their dream that came true?

The Clouds of Youth

Just got back from the dance class. Wow, it was sooooooo great! Can't wait till next week.

I was thinking that I hope I get over dancing by the time I'm 40 'cause it's not like I can go to classes/clubs then. So I better do as much dancing now as possible.

Another thing I was thinking was that one life is not enough for me to do everything I want to do.

1. Dance professionally
2. Work in film/TV
3. Write a book
4. Have an ordinary life (I can cross this one off the list)

I'm a dreamer, I know. I want to do so many things but I'm too practical and too scared to take risks 'cause I like security. And I'm not creative/clever enough to come up with amazing ideas for a book.

Yeah, excuses, excuses.

I want to be young forever.

"he suffered from what he could not help - youth"

- Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith and Weedon Grossmith

Girls' Night In

me: wanna come over on Friday night?
April: why, is David studying?
me: no, maybe I just want to hang out with you
April: what's David doing?
me: working
April: I knew it!

So April came over. We talked for four hours straight. About the usual. Guys and relationships and friends. Typical gossip. It was great.

David called at around 8:30pm saying that he was going to finish at 9pm and if I wanted him to come over. I told him I did but I'd have to wake up early tomorrow to go to my new dance class. He said he'd just see me tomorrow night. He sounded disappointed.

It's been such a long time since I've had April over at my house. Felt really good. Her hair looked really shiny.

She told me more details of what happened with her and Praket and how she realised it's never gooing to go anywhere but she's still holding on to him as a friend because she doesn't want to go back to nothing.

Really reminded me of Max. I was on the verge on telling her but then stopped myself. Didn't want to go into it with her.

Every time she'd say "I knew I was acting irrational but I just couldn't help it" and "I just like the idea of him", I knew exactly how she felt. When I told her I sympathised, she thought I was talking about Andrew (the guy who rejected me after our first meeting). I guess Max is still a part of me I'm not ready/willing to share with her. David is the only one who really knows and who I wanted to know.

I'm looking forward to my dance class tomorrow. I really need the exercise. Sitting in the office all day with only 40 minutes to go for a walk isn't enough to keep myself fit. It's amazing how much walking to and from the train station did for my health and weight. Now that I don't have that anymore, I have to find ways to motivate myself. Dancing classes are the only thing that can make me get out of my house and exercise. Sad, I know, but what can I do? Can't change myself to find gym/running exciting.

Too bad Amelia won't be coming with me this time.

I should go to sleep now.

No News is Good News

Yesterday afternoon, David called my house.

me: hello?
D: Sky! Are you all right?!
me: fine...
D: what happened?!
me: what do you mean?
D: I couldn't reach you for 2 hours!
me: oh, oops! My phone was on silent and I forgot to put it back on
D: I called your house!
me: I went to visit my grandparents after work

[silence]

me: are you ok?
D: I was really worried. It's not like you.
me: I'm sorry!
D: hm.
me: are you still upset?
D: I was watching the news 'cause I was worried you were in a car accident after your car problems lately
me: are you serious?! You are watching the news to see if there was a car accident?!!
D: yeah...
me: did you really think I was...
D: no... but I was worried. I didn't know what to think. I called your mobile, you didn't pick up. I called your house. You're always home at this time. I was going past your work at 4pm. I was hoping we'd meet up... But I couldn't reach you... I got your voice mail. You usually call back...
me: oh my gosh, I didn't mean to make you so worried!
D: yeah, well
me: I'm really sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?
D: uhm... a piece of cheesecake.

Damn. I could've seen him last night...

I checked my mobile. 10 missed calls!!! All from him. Scary.

Went to bed at 9pm 'cause for some reason I was really tired. Once in bed, I felt restless. Couldn't fall asleep without hearing his voice. So I called him to say good night. He thanked me for calling in his cuddly teddy bear voice and said the three magic words that always bring peace and calm to my head and heart. Fell asleep in minutes.

Cocoa Life

POBian chocolate is the absolute best!!!!

A bite of heaven. A... can't think of any other metaphors.

My Mum's friend came back from POB for a little while and my grandma gave her SO much chocolate for us! I opened the fridge and a whole shelf was filled with plastic bags of different chocolates.

I don't know what it is about it but after you taste it, Australian/American chocolate doesn't taste very chocolatey. Maybe the POBian one has less milk and more cocoa. I don't know. I don't care. It's just the best taste ever.

My Dad who's also a chocaholic said to me that he was actually a little over chocolate. I couldn't believe it. I guess it takes 47 years to be over it. I have a while to go.

My brother completely doesn't care for it. Wish I was like that. It's definitely not good for me. Although it sure is wonderful for my mood. Maybe they put some drugs in it...

Ok, enough about chocolate. Talking about it won't make you understand just great it is.

Actually I miss a lot of POBian food. Especially the sweet stuff. When I go back, I'm only going to eat stuff I can't have here. Black caviar...mmm. I also miss different varieties of berries. Since I'll be there in summer, there should be plenty of them. And even though I'm not a big fan of mushrooms, they have this one sort there that I love.

You know, I'm so very excited about my trip next year. I even don't mind going with my Mum (instead of David) because we can go to the theatre and shopping.

Leaving on a Plane

Guess what everyone?

Next year I'm going to POB!!!

Don't know if David is coming with me. It's up to him. I know he wants to but it's the money problem.

I can't say I particularly want to go back there. There are hundreds of other places I'd rather go to but I feel like I should visit my grandparents who are not feeling too well.

Even though it's not my destination of choice, I'm starting to really look forward to it. A trip overseas is always exciting.

If David doesn't come with me, I'm going to go with my Mum who's going there anyway.

The trip wouldn't be long 'cause I still don't know what my job situation is going to be in a year. But I can't help but feel really excited.

And I always wanted to have an airport reunion with David. They always seems so romantic.

Hot Chocolate

David came to visit me for lunch today, after his interview.

I never saw him in professional work clothes before (a suit to a wedding doesn't count). He looked so grown-up (very hot, really). I felt so grown up - an adult couple having lunch together... visions of the future filled my mind.

He walked me back to work before he headed home to study.

That was a nice surprise as I didn't expect to see him until Wednesday.

At work, my workmates were talking about how couples often look alike because apparently we are attracted to people who resemble us. I guess it's true to an extent - take Nadine and her boyfriend, for example. They are like twins. I'm not exaggerating.

But David and I are completely opposite in appearance. I don't think there's one aspect of our looks that is similar. He's tall, I'm not. He's dark, I'm not. His eyes are small, his mouth wide... just everything. Every time we catch our own reflection, we always notice the stark contrast between us. I don't know why but I find our difference really beautiful. I love that David looks so different to me.

Like he says, the two of us can make hot chocolate.

me: I don't want to be the milk, I want to be the cocoa
David: who said you're not?
me: good
David: I'm the healthy part of the relationship and you're the yummy part

Weekend Paradise

Bliss can be one word to describe my weekend.

Three days with David is like overdosing on a happiness drug.

And that's all I will write again about my perfect weekend with David since Blogger crashed when I was publishing my very long post.

I'm very annoyed but don't feel like retyping it again.

Newsflash

Praket is bi. Lucky April.

The End Before the Start

There's been some very interesting turn of events. Not in my life but in April's.

Last week April told me she was meeting up with Praket for dinner and then go to see his new place. I didn't think much of it because even though before I would've thought this sort of outing was a lead-up to something more serious, I've learnt to know better.

Then at about 11:30pm on Sunday, I got a message from April saying that they weren't "just friends" after all. I excitedly asked her if he kissed her and she replied that he wanted to but she told him she had to think about it since she convinced herself they would never be more than just friends.

At that point, I was thinking, "silly girl!" and that she thinks way too much. She messaged to tell me she was really confused. I told her to do whatever made her happy.

All of Monday I couldn't stop thinking about what exactly happened.

I didn't have to wait long because last night she told me the full story.

What actually happened was that they were having a really good time and he kept saying how romantic the night was. She said she didn't think much of it 'cause he was always like that, or more specifically she didn't want to think anything because of her previous disappointments with him.

Anyway, later he asked her what they were doing and she said she didn't know. Then he told her how he felt, how he was attracted to her from the beginning and really liked spending time with her etc.

They got talking about whether they wanted to 'go out'. He said he wasn't 100% sure and she said she didn't want to go into it if it was going to end in 2 months. He told her to think about it on her way home and then he'd call her when she got home.

She quickly realised that she'd always regret it if she let this opportunity slip so when he called she told him she wanted to go out with him.

But he said that he talked to his cousin about everything and he wasn't sure anymore. They decided to discuss it further the next day.

Next day came and they met up for lunch. And who would believe it but he told her that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't think it would work and he was too old to try things for the sake of trying! (What an idiot.) To top this 'break-up' speech, he told her that her lack of relationship experience was a part of why he didn't want to go into it. He also said that he hoped they could remain friends but not go on their 'romantic' outings.

He might've as well stabbed April in the heart.

She said she couldn't help but wish that he'd realise what a mistake he made and ask her again so she can reject him as cruelly as he rejected her.

I really feel for her because I remember how she convinced herself that he wasn't interested in her as more than a friend and then to convince herself otherwise again, only to be played like that.

I think she's better off without this manipulator. How does someone change their mind so suddenly? If this went on for longer, his mind games could've caused a lot of damage.

April deserves someone better, someone who will accept her without relationship experience and will not worry her with quick mind changes, someone she doesn't have to be tense around.

Of course I didn't tell her this because I have a feeling they might still get together and she'd hate me then if I said anything bad about the guy now.

When we first met him, I remember David saying that guy can't be trusted.

Personally I think Praket overanalyses too much, which actually reminded me of Max. You just never knew what state of mind he'd be in.

This makes me feel so lucky to have David. His imperfections are nothing compared to other guys. I won't even go into how nice David is. He's just the sweetest, kindest, most understanding, most caring guy I have ever met.

What really made me upset about April's story was that her lack of experience was a problem for this guy. He obviously doesn't understand how sensitive we are about it. I remember how scared I was that David wouldn't want to be with me if he found out. But I didn't know then that it'd make no difference to him. He told me he liked me for the person I was now and the past was of no importance. Anyway, I'm not going to repeat again what happened that night over a year ago.

You know how when buying presents you should buy something that person will like, not what you like? Well, I believe it's the same with love. It's better to love a person in the way they want to be loved, not in the way you think is good. This was reflected in the book The Dirty Girls Social Club. One woman was loved by a poor guy. However, she didn't want to be with him because he didn't have money. Seems like a really shallow woman right? Well, that's not the point. The point is that even after several love-filled proposals and her constant rejections, he brought her a very expensive ring and she said yes. Seems like she only wanted him for the money. But then you realise it wasn't the actual money, it was what the money meant to her. And since she grew up in poverty, to her money was love.

Well, lately I noticed David started doing things he didn't before but that I really like. For example, I mentioned several times (not intentionally) that I love getting emails. So he started to regularly email me. This is just one trivial example, but there are plenty more. He might not realise this, but I notice.

Writing about him is making me miss him. He should call soon... can't wait. I never loved anyone more.

Names

David and I have a lot of things in common. Tastes in names is not one of them.

He wants to name his son: Albert/Mario/Pierre.

I mean, what the...? I'm not naming my kid after an arcade game character, a name that was popular a century ago or a gay sounding French name. Puh-lease!

In my opinion a guy needs a normal common name, not some fancy one, otherwise he'll get teased endlessly.

Girls on the other hand suit original names as it accentuates their uniqueness.

But he likes Nicole, Isabelle (ok, I guess) etc.

Fortunately we agreed on one girl's name, not my favourite but it's sweet sounding: Sofia/Sophia and it means 'wisdom'.

By the way, if you're wondering, I'm not pregnant! But knowing how long it will take us to pick something we both like, we might as well start now.

The Girl Who Cried Blog

me: what would you say if I write a book about my life and get it published?
David: depends what you write
me: I'd write whatever's in my diaries but I'd change everyone's names and sell it as fiction
David: people would still realise it's about us
me: but I wouldn't put my name on it, it'd have an alias so no one would ever know
David: that'd be ok then
me: oh cool, 'cause I already did that

David: what?! You already published a book?!!
me: maybe...
David: seriously?!
me: of course not, don't you think I'd have a copy on my bookshelf?
David: I don't know what's on your bookshelf
me: come on, when would I have done that?

me: I guess I could publish it online
David: ok
me: really? You wouldn't mind?
David: no
me: cool! 'Cause I already did that
David: ok

Do you realise that I actually told David I have a blog?! And he didn't believe me! That's just too funny. If he ever finds out, he can't say I never told him.

Another Big Move

Almost forgot to mention, I talked to Nadine on Monday (which would be the first in many months). I casually asked her if she was moving out, as a way to move on from our small-talk and she said yes!

I had the weirdest feeling when she told me, like some warm current ran through me. Nadine was about to start independent adult life too. I wonder who'll be next.

She said she was thinking about it since February and definitely decided in April.

She'll be living with her boyfriend. I asked if she was planning on marrying him in the future and she said she didn't know. I think when April asked Christine the same question, Christine said she will when she's older. I wonder if Nadine really doesn't know if she wants to be with him or if she just said that.

Wow, Nadine (just writing her name brings up so many childhood memories) is moving out. When I think about it, all my teenage years with her flicker in a second. It's like I'm flying through time back to the old never-ending days when all we did was dream about the future and in a millisecond I'm transported back into this future - the present. Feels a bit surreal. But then it always does with Nadine.

There's some weird connection between us that will never go away, even if we don't see each other for years. As soon as we talk, the same old warm feeling is brought back. Don't know what it is about her that triggers this. If I analyse it hard enough, I'll probably come up with the reason that we've had an emotional intimacy that you have with your partner.

I told David the news and he was like, "What's the big deal, it's not like they're getting married. She's old enough". It's weird for me to think of her as a 24 year old woman. I always see her as a teenage girl. Don't think that will ever change.

Anyway, I'm over the initial shock/surprise/whatever you want to call it. Life is moving and now is the time when people my age are going through big changes. I'm just happy I'm not far behind.