Max, Ben And My Wedding

Ok, so the Max thing is over. It was over a few weeks ago but I didn't feel like writing about it. I basically messaged him to ask if we were ever going to meet and he said no. So I'm not wasting any more time on him. He missed out. Bad luck. I'm glad I didn't get upset or anything. Probably because I was happy to not continue any more pointless communication.

Ben emailed me from overseas to say that he's really enjoying himself. It's nice of him to do that but I'm not as happy about it as I would be if he was older. I told April this and I think she's getting angry that I'm throwing away my chance of having a nice boyfriend. I know I am but I don't want to go out with a guy I have no future with and I just don't see any future with a guy who to me feels like a younger brother.

The couple that stayed with us told me, just before they left, that they hope to see me at my wedding. What the hell?! How do weddings always get into conversations? I hope my Mum didn't embarrass me and ask them if they knew any guys to set me up with.

Will You Light My Fire

(couldn't resist the pun)

So I watched World Idol. It's just like Eurovision so I quite enjoyed it. My brother taped it so I could rewind and watch my favourite bits over and over again. Ok, I only watched it 3 times!

My favourite one was Will Young. I loved the song that he sang. I think that I would've liked anyone who sang it. The Norway guy also had a really good voice but I'm not a fan of U2 so I didn't enjoy it as much. And I can't even judge Kelly Clarkson fairly because I'm put off her by all the hype. Guy was good but I think he would've had a better chance if he sang another song.

Merry Christmas

I prefer not to open presents. It's more enjoyable to look at the pretty wrapping, wonder about the shape of the object, feel the texture, assess the size and pretend that it's the most wonderful gift in the world.

Once you open it, all the excitement disappears. Behind the beatiful paper, there's usually some pointless gift that you don't want or need.

That's what usually happens in my case. Yeah yeah, I know it's the thought that counts but the more thought (and money) a person put into a bad gift, the guiltier I feel about not liking it.

The best gifts are usually the ones that are no surprise. For example, I love the gift voucher I got from April, Amelia and Emma so I can buy a handbag that I like. I asked for this present and I got it. So there was no surprise element.

Christine's and Claudia's gift was actually offensive and I would be embarrassed to give to anyone. Apart from the puzzle (which is fine), they gave me a travel guide (which is fine) from 2000!!! They are not even sold in the shops anymore! They probably got it at some book sale. What am I supposed to do with it?! Christine probably got it since she has no sense of anything. Claudia (who is like her best friend) got a present from her that is for her medical condition (can't say what it is here). It's just cruel to point out someone's medical problems on Christmas! So if she didn't have it, Christine wouldn't give her that present. It's like buying a wig for someone who went through chemotherapy. That's just not cool.

I'm getting so tired of her lately. Yesterday, April reminded me how at the sleepover she was telling her boyfriend how bored she was right in front of us. Does she not have any sense in her?

I never noticed her rudeness before.

Andrew gave me the sweetest present, as usual. I asked him for organiser refills but he misunderstood and got me another organiser. It's huge and I don't need it but it's from Andrew so I love it just cos it's from him. I also told him that he can just get me $10 and that would be perfectly fine. So aside from the organiser, he gave me $20 and he said that $10 was for my library fines!!! Can I have a sweeter brother?! I don't think so! No one has a better brother than me.

My parents got me a very expensive backpack that I could take to US next year but they said it was also for uni cos my other bag is ripping at the seams. I wish they didn't give me such an expensive one. I don't want to attract attention with it. They meant well of course and I love them for that but if it wasn't so expensive, I wouldn't feel as guilty for not wanting to wear it to uni.

Now everyone left to go to a BBQ with my other relatives. I didn't go because I'd just end up baby-sitting my hyperactive 5 year old cousin. I'm having a nice time relaxing at home. And it's not as hot inside.

Some couple that my Mum met through work is coming from another city to stay with us for a few days. I'm just glad I won't be home for that. I'll be working.

Well, that's my Christmas for this year. Not very exciting. I hope yours is more fun!

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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The girl in the photo looks like she's on drugs.

Forgetfulness Costs

I can't believe I forgot to renew my books!!! I don't want to pay $10!!! This is so stupid of me. I don't have spare cash! I know it's my fault which is why I'm so annoyed!!! Maybe I can use my brother's card and not pay the fines until next year. I wonder if there's an interest on them.

Christmas Party

I feel better now. Just came back from our Christmas party. Apart from Christine really getting on my nerves (April and I are getting tired of her rudeness), it was really nice.

After work yesterday, I went to April's house where Christine was already waiting for me. She drove April and me to Claudia's house.

Claud's dog is the cutest ever. It's one big ball of fluff. I forgot the breed but it's like a collie, only small and black and white. Last time I've seen him, he was a puppy so his fur wasn't as long as it is now. April was scared of him which was funny 'cause dogs can sense that. He was running around chasing her. It was the funniest scene.

I'd love to have a dog but since I've never had one, I wouldn't know how to take care of it properly. Not that my parents would let me have one anyway. When I was little, I used to want one but now I can see that having a pet requires a lot of time that no one in my family has. I guess I'll have to enjoy other people's pets.

Yesterday I realised that when I see dogs (or babies), I become so embarrassing and start talking in that annoying voice that people talk to dogs (and babies). I didn't know I had it in me to be like that but I couldn't help it.

We played cards. I was teaching the others how to play a really popular POBian game which actually requires a bit of thinking (because it's very different to popular Australian/American card games) and Christine kept saying how stupid the game was just because she didn't get it. That annoyed me more than I thought it would. Just because she didn't get it, didn't mean it was stupid. The others didn't really like it either (because they weren't used to that style of game) but at least they were polite enough to try and enjoy it.

That whole event made me think how people are so unwilling to try out new things. My Mum was just telling me the other day how difficult it is for middle-aged people to immigrate to another country because they are so used to their own one which was why she admired Nadine's parents to do that, even though she can't stand their personalities. I guess it all relates to people's unwillingness to change.

I read/saw somewhere that it's in people's instincts not to like change so it has a biological reason. But people have evolved so much that it would be nice if they were more open to it. Change is so important to the existence of life and the world.

Anyway, this is starting to sound like a bad English essay, especially that my year 11 topic was "Change".

I also ended up wrapping Claudia's Christmas presents from her parents. I thought that was a bit strange to wrap your own present from your family. Then it took all four of us to wrap Emma's present. That was fun.

After dinner we lounged around talking about songs that Claudia was reading from an ad in a TV guide for mobile phone rings. I love how I can talk with my friends about the most unimportant things. Christine sang all the ones that we forgot the tunes of. Although I still don't think she should embarrass herself by trying out for the next Australian Idol, she can definitely sing in tune.

Today in the morning, I strangely woke up early, although I went to sleep about 2am in the morning. This was probably 'cause my body is used to waking up early for work. After we managed to wake up Christine, we went to meet Amelia and Emma for our Christmas party. Saturday morning from 9:30 to 12:30 was the only time when all of us were free.

We went to have breakfast in some small empty Italian restaurant. The owner was obviously desperate for customers because as soon as we stopped to read the menu he came out and too enthusiastically invited us in to look at more menus:

"Girls! Let me cook you breakfast!"

I made April, Emma and Claudia wait outside because I don't particularly like places like that but then Christine waved for us to come in. I was annoyed enough at her as it was and wasn't too happy about her just making us go in but we didn't have much time so we decided to eat there.

The waiter/owner wouldn't shut up and kept asking Emma why she was so sad, just because she only ordered a drink. Personally, I can't stand when people think I'm sad when I'm not so I decided that I didn't like the guy. He also wouldn't shut up and was fully taking up our time with his pointless conversation.

"Are you uni students?! Because we have a special student menu! Here you go, have a look. But's it's actually $6.50, not $5 like it says on the brochure. And no, you can't get it today, you can only get it on weekdays! Oh, I see you are having a Christmas party! This is SO nice! Are you international students and have no family here? That's so nice that you're getting together for the special day! That is just SO nice!"

Hello, it's not Christmas today! Waiters just shouldn't be like that. Their job is to serve our food and leave us to talk. I think there was even an article about that in the Sunday paper a few weeks ago.

He also started asking me if I wanted everything that was included in the the menu item that I chose. What a stupid question. Of course I wanted everything that I was paying for. Amelia and Christine ordered the same thing but didn't get everything because I don't think they realised that when he asked them if they wanted bacon or fries, you could have both. That breakfast was the most fattening one I had in ages. It reminded me of a typical American one which I always wanted to have: eggs, toast, bacon, fries (well, he only put 2 on my plate), lettuce and sausages.

Emma didn't eat anything, as usual. I'm getting very worried. The first time I noticed I didn't say anything but yesterday I made it known to her that I noticed. This is reminding me of Nadine and her food problems. That's very scary. Emma is skinny enough as it is. I don't know what to do.

We exchanged presents. My mind went blank about the present that we all wrapped up yesterday and accidentally gave it to Amelia when it was for Emma. I felt really bad. I got a voucher from April, Emma and Amelia (for a bag which I need to pick myself) and a puzzle thing and another unwrapped one (which I'm sure is a USA travel guide) from Christine and Claudia.

After the meal we went to the markets but April, Emma and I soon went to a shopping centre to wait for the others. We are not very into wandering around stalls looking at things we won't buy. We sat in a food court and talked (mainly about me going to America).

We'll be probably having a New Year's Eve party at my house again. I don't mind. And most importantly my parents don't mind either.

WANTED: A Nice Surprise

Yesterday night, I was feeling emotional about not having a boyfriend so I messaged Max to ask him if he wanted to talk and maybe meet up some time in the near future to which he replied that he wasn't sure. So I asked him why he wasn't sure and when he will be because I didn't want to think that we'd meet soon when we never will. He still hasn't replied. Probably scared him off. I don't care. I'm sick of small talk that leads nowhere.

I'm generally sick of everything right now. Max has no right to start messaging me after months of not talking and then just cutting it off for no reason (that I know of). It drives me insane because I need to know where things are going and not be left hanging with question marks.

I went Christmas shopping with Nadine today. So that means that I saw her for the first time in 5 months. It sure didn't feel like it. Probably 'cause I don't need to see her more often since she depresses me. Although right now, everything depresses me. I depress myself. I'm bitter at everything. I was completely fine before Ben emailed him so technically it's his fault. And I would've been fine if he was older than me. So it's his parents fault that he was born a year after me. Yeah, I know I'm talking nonesense but that's how I feel. Nothing makes sense.

Nothing great has happened for ages. I need some nice surprise.

The Younger Guy

Ok, so Ben isn't just a few months younger. He's over a year younger. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Thanks to my net stalking, I mean research skills, I have found out his date of birth. He has a whole profile of himself on MSN and ICQ. I also found out that he's interested in religion. I'm not sure if he's interested in it theoretically or if he takes part in the process. If he does, I won't feel so bad for disliking him because of his age.

I talked to April about it and she said that I should stop being stupid and not discriminate against him on the basis that he's almost 13 months younger. She pointed out that the wedding that she's going to this Saturday, the bride is a year older than then groom and they are perfect for each other.

Why do I have to annoy myself so much. I even forgave Max his lack of tertiary education but I can't forgive Ben his age. Why did he have to be born a year after me?!!! This is driving me insane. It's so hard to change my life-long principles.

I feel like a divorced middle aged woman looking for a 2nd husband who has to question everything she believes her partner should be like.

Ben asked to meet up. At first I didn't know if I should but then April convinced me. She said that she would. I guess I have nothing to lose. He may have suitable older friends. I'm selfish, I know.

Do you think it's weird to go out with a guy who's younger?

Dear Reader,

Is the content of my blog more interesting now than it was when I started, worse or the same?

More Depressing Stuff (Feel Free To Skip)

Nadine called today. I couldn't help myself and asked her if she was still going out with Jack. She said she wasn't but that they are still good friends. Just yesterday he invited her to go with him to a musical (which she loves). That just made me sick and feel even worse after I found out that Ben was younger than me.

You know that if I didn't get into the high school that I went, I would've went to the same one as Ben?

Everything is just too depressing.

Will I Ever Learn?!

Why, oh why do I have to get my hopes up about a guy? When did my hope ever lead to anything apart from disappointment?!

Ben is younger than me. Although most people would not care, I do. It just feels so extremely wrong to like a younger guy, even if he's only a few months younger. I think it's got something to do with having a younger brother.

I feel like crying because it was so hard to make myself not care about ever being in a relationship and then having all these doors open to having a boyfriend (even if it's not him, but one of his friends) and then having all that hope crashed.

It's just NOT fair. My life sucks.

Will Not Get My Hopes Up

I haven't written for a while, although it doesn't really feel like it.

I went to an allergy doctor last week who told me I might have a reaction to natural chemicals found in healthy food. It's the weirdest thing. He basically told me I should cut down on fruits and vegetables! Any child would only dream of such a diet and I probably would too if I was younger. But it's really difficult since I snack a lot and it's not too good to snack on junk food. I'm supposed to only stay on this diet for a month. For now it doesn't seen to be helping.

Remember the guy to whom my Mum gave my phone number? Well, it turned out that she also gave him my email address. I only wish she'd told me because I almost thought his email was junk mail and deleted it. Maybe it's a sign that I should forget about him. Andrew thinks it's a sign that I shouldn't.

After I replied, he sent me a pic of himself. He looked like a mass murderer who escaped jail. I had to remind myself that at least he doesn't look like a girl (as in the case of Jesse).

It's so hard now to maintain my new attitude towards being single when it's so easy to get my hopes up with all these guys around. Yeah, I still keep in contact with Max. And I'm becoming friends with this guy at work, Cam. He's the first guy who I can genuinely say that I like only as a friend. I love being able to be completely myself with him and not get shy because I'm attracted to him or anything. Because I'm not, even though he's the first Asian guy who I think is cute. And smart. And funny. And totally religious which is why I would never go out with him. I'm thinking of introducing him to April.

I watched Bachelor 4 and Bachelorette yesterday. How could I not? First of all, I don't understand why anyone likes Bob. So he does have a bit of a sense of humour, so what? He is so up himself and self-centred and totally blasé as he proved to be at Ryan's bachelor party. Ryan, on the other hand is a sweetie. Yeah, he is a bit overly sensitive and emotional but that's ok. He is such a teddy bear and I want to give him a hug. I don't particularly like Trista but she might be a really nice person if I knew her better. I felt sorry for her sister. She was so human looking and stood out among model looking people.