For Love

Who knew love can test you so much. I always thought that true love was easy - it just happily bopped along the path of life with nothing in its way. Then again, that was my just idealistic view, always supported by my optimism and hope. As they say, "Hope dies last".

I have not had an easy week. Can't even believe it was only a week. Felt like an eternity. The beginning of questioning love is a sign that it must not be true after all. That's what I thought anyway.

That scared me. I thought my fairytale was at the beginning of the end. That was it for me. I was going to end up alone after all. The worst thing was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My best friend was involved and it was too personal to share with April or anyone. I was going to write a blog entry about how eveyone is alone anyway, even if you have all the love in the world. At the end of the day, it's just you with yourself.

At first my hope triumphed, easing the pain. I kept telling myself everything would turn out fine in the end. But when this 'end' was nowhere in sight, I started to wonder if I should start getting over it. And that was the most difficult thing in the world. I don't remember crying so much in consecutive days.

I guess I imagined him to fix everything, as always. For him to come running and tell me that he would do what I wanted and my happiness was all that mattered to him. After lots of arguing, discussing, talking and hitting brick walls (figuratively speaking), I realised that I would never have what I wanted, no matter how loud I kicked and screamed, and no logic or reason would convince him to do it my way.

I thought, "He doesn't love me enough", "Do I really want to be with someone who's not willing to sacrifice for me? Someone who wouldn't put my happiness before his?"

I was on the edge of letting it go.

Then I thought, either I end up alone and regret this forever, or I could let him have his way (even though I didn't understand it).

I asked him questions, hoping his answers would give me a hint if he was worth it and if he would let me have my way next time or if I'd always have to be the one to budge. His replies didn't help. Maybe 'cause that thing called hope was still there, hoping that he would finally let me have my way.

Finally my pride kicked in. I decided enough was enough. Either I stayed and be unhappy or I went and be unhappy. But feeling emotional pain every single day was just ridiculous.

So I let go. I told him we'd do it his way if he could promise me it wasn't always going to be me who had to compromise.

He told me he would let me do anything I wanted because he was so happy we'd do it his way this time. I could see he was truly grateful and my selfish self thought, "Now I have the upper hand". I told him what I wanted in the future and he said he would give me all that.

I learnt one very important thing this week - don't wait for someone else to make you happy, you are the only one who can decide to be happy.

I didn't think giving into him would make me happy. I thought I'd resent him but the weird thing is that I don't. I feel strangely light-hearted.

He said to me, "I'm glad you finally understand where I'm coming from" and I replied, "Actually I still don't understand or agree with your point of view but I'm happy to go with it anyway because I love you".

This was my sacrfice for love and I'm not planning on doing any other any time soon.