Must Stop. Must STOP!

I just had to dig at the past, didn't I? Couldn't leave it alone. I just couldn't help myself at all. I had to email Max.

I don't know why I always get stuck on the hope that some sort of nice relationship (whether boyfriend or good friend) will come out of it. Who am I kidding? Only myself, that's for sure.

I was just re-reading some messages that he sent me (yes, I was sad enough to save them) because I thought that he might've not liked me after we had that long conversation on the phone but he messaged a couple of days later to say he hoped to talk again soon. He wouldn't have bothered to say that if he didn't mean it. Especially that he also sent me a few more asking how I was. So what the hell made him change his mind?

I emailed and asked him. He hasn't replied. Either thinking of a good reason and a nice way of saying it or wishing I'd leave him alone.

The thing with him is that he over-analyses everything too much and then gets sick of doing that and just stops at whatever the last thing he thought of. So he could've twisted his feelings of wanting to meet up to not wanting to talk to me ever again without me doing anything. And then a lot later he might forget why he didn't want to meet up but not call or email thinking that it's probably better that way anyway. So me emailing him is just checking how he feels about it now.

When he said he didn't want to meet up, I was actually relieved. Not about meeting him but about knowing where we stood and that it wasn't leading anywhere and just stop pointless messages.

I don't know why I'm doing all this now. Well, actually I do. I just realised that I'm going to be 20 in 2 months and I've never had a proper relationship. Or any relationship for that matter. And he is the only person I can sort of hang any hope to.

I know people say it will happen. But it hasn't yet and I have no proof that it will.

April and I were talking about it again and since there's nothing horribly wrong with us, it actually seems quite against all odds that we don't have boyfriends.