Future Present

Practical Dad: When are you and David moving in? You'd save on petrol.

Mum: when you and David are married...

The above I hear on a constant basis. I know where my 'getting carried away' gene comes from.

I don't know if my parents enjoy teasing me about David and our future or if they truly believe it's going to happen.

After I told my parents to stop with their assumptions, my Mum said, "If you are not planning on marrying him, what are you still doing with him?"

Is it hard to understand that even though I really do see a future with David, I don't want other people talking like it's 100% going to happen. Maybe subconsciously I just don't want them to jinx it (yes, my subconsciousness is a little superstitious).

Lately I've been thinking that things have been going too well, something is bound to go wrong. Don't know what but thankfully that thought hasn't taken over my life.

Another thing I noticed if that even though I'm quite an irritable person (any sign of immaturity, loud chewing, heavy breathing etc. always got on my nerves), with David, I just turn a blind eye on these things. If another person did what David does sometimes, I wouldn't tolerate it but with him, I manage to ignore this stuff. Love has messed with my nervous system... and head... and pretty much everything else.

Another Life Lesson

Today I was in my first ever car accident.

I was in the car's blind spot when it decided to go into my lane. Thank God, I was almost stationary and they didn't wreck my car as much as they could've. The worst thing was that instead of stopping, they drove off. I had moments to memorise the number plate.

When I got to the police station to report it, turned out the number plate that I remembered belonged to a truck.

So there is no way of finding this person now. That's what disappointed me the most. And I'm left with a damaged car.

It could've been worse.

Lesson learnt: life is unfair, people run away from their mistakes and leave others to deal with them.

RG Personified

Regular readers would know who I mean when I say RG. Right Guy. He was supposed to be the guy who would be right for me. Not a perfect/ideal boyfriend, but just someone who matched me. As time went on, I created a very clear picture of this RG, almost like he was a real person and not just a concept that I came up with.

I knew how he would act, what he would do, even a blurry picture of him. His likes, dislikes, hobbies etc. And I always waited to meet him. I wanted to talk to the imaginary guy inside my head. I wanted to see him in reality. I waited and waited and...

Then I met David. The problem was that he was definitely not RG. Although he and RG might've had some similarities, they were definitely not the same person. I found it diffucult to let David into my heart because in my head only RG was right for me. What if he was out there while I was here with David? That's why I was so certain that David and I couldn't, wouldn't last.

When I no longer could help but fall in love with David, I realised that I was so stuck on believing that only RG was the one I was meant to be with that I was ignoring the best discovery of my life. RG was not the Right Guy for me, it was David.

Movie Game

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Then pick one of your favorite quotes from each movie.
3. Post the quotes in your journal.
4. Have readers guess what the movie is.

Quote 1 - guessed by Jen
"I like to look for things no one else catches. I hate the way drivers never look at the road in old movies."

Quote 2 - guessed by Jen
"Or have you ever, like, seen somebody and you knew that if only that person really knew you, they would... Well, they would, of course, dump the perfect model that they were with and, and realise that you were the one that they wanted to just grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love somebody you haven't even talked to?"

Quote 3 - guessed by Mick
"Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental"

Quote 4 - guessed by Jen
"The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples."

Quote 5 - guessed by Mick
"Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. 'Ah, the man is the head of the house!'"
"Let me tell you something. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants. "

Quote 6 - guessed by Jen
Boy: Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat?
Dad:You know, that's not a bad idea. Who else can we ask not to eat? My parents and your mother.
Daughter: Why don't we just charge people? That way we can make money on the wedding?

Quote 7 - guessed by Mick
"Have you found Jesus yet?
"I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir"

Quote 8 - guessed by Mick
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Quote 9 - guessed by Kath
"My parents want to invite you over for tea on Sunday."
"I don't like tea."
"You don't have to drink tea"
"I don't like parents."

Quote 10
"You must write from the depths of your soul!"

[Hint: "I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry... There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere."]

Not sure if these are my favourite but they are what came to mind.

Evil Thoughts and the Usual Topic

I have evil thoughts. I don't know if it's stress or frustration. But I feel horrible for even thinking some things.

I had an evil feeing of excitement when there was a possibility for a couple to break up. Not my friends but still. I'm trying to excuse this thought by thinking that I don't really know this couple and maybe to me it's like wanting characters to break up in a film, for the juicy consequences.

I've also been getting really emotional lately. I feel like there are buckets of water just underneath my eyelids, waiting to spill out.

I'm pretty sure it's work stress. I keep reminding myself that at least I have a job. But it's scary to think that the project I'm working on might fall through and I will lose all chances of having my contract extended. It scares the hell out of me.

I should be doing work now but I feel so tired.

I miss David. He came over on Friday night and stayed over till this morning. I just love him so much. And I know he loves me too. He did this really touching and spontaneous thing that almost made me cry.

He also said that he wanted to spend his life with me. We even planned when we'd buy property and when we'd go to Europe. We talked about kids and weddings. A while ago he said he had always imagined he'd get married in a church and how he and his sister talked how she'd be the 'godmother' to his kids but now it wasn't going to happen. I said, "Sorry, but no". And he smiled and said, "Anyway, I have something much much better than that".

On Friday night, before David came over my Mum asked me, "So when are you getting married?" I told her not any time too soon. Then we got talking and she said how love can make people blind. I asked her if she thought I was being blind about David. She replied, "If I thought that, your Dad and I woud've thoroughly cleaned out your brain a long time ago."

I asked her what she thought of him (just out of curiousity). She said, "There's nothing obviously wrong with him. He's kind, he's smart, he's polite, respectful. Just the different culture thing." I said, "So the only negative you can think of is that he's not POBian?" Well, that's great!

On Saturday night, David and I were chatting with my brother. He was talking online to his friends, while David gave him advice on girls. It was hilarious.

D: Man, you're too slow. Just ask them for coffee.
A: I don't really like any of them that much
me: you know tons of girls, how can you not like any?
A: well, there's this POBian one [showing a photo on the computer of a girl who knows she's hot]
D: she's alright
A: she does drugs. Or did drugs. And likes to get drunk
D: man, delete any photo you have of a girl who does drugs, gets drunk or smokes. If they do drugs, you can get into a lot of trouble just knowing them. If they get drunk or smoke, they're weak! Man, come on, you don't need one like that. You need someone smart. Otherwise, you'll get bored.

I thought I was listening to myself (minus, 'man' this and 'man' that). I didn't even need to open my mouth because his was speaking for me.

You know, I always start writing thinking I'd write a really sharp and short entry that's straight to the point but then I go on a tangent about David and my entry becomes a blurry mess. I guess that's how my brain is right now. Maybe I should rename my blog to "How I Love David, and Other Bits).

On another different tangent, I've eaten a lot of rubbish on the weekend. It was very delicious rubbish, nonetheless.

From next week, Amelia and I will be going to dancing lessons which I'm really looking forward to! I desperately need some exercise and learning a new type of dance is always exciting. And of course catching up with Amelia on a weekly basis would be just excellent.

And you know what, there will be zero guys at this dance class. That, I'm 100% sure of. And I couldn't care less. Because I already found the guy I've always wanted. And not interested in the slightest of meeting someone 'better'. I know there's no one better. You can't have better than the best, now, can you?

There I am again. What can I say? Seeing David only on the weekends is just not enough. Even if we do speak on the phone every day. Just not enough. It's never enough. I seriously don't know how I'd be able to function without him. Even when I get annoyed at him, I never feel like I just don't want to see him. I'd be angry at him and all I'd be able to think would be that I want him to give me a hug.

I want to marry him. Not because I've always dreamed of getting married at my age, but just because I want to be with him ALL the freaking time. Is this bad? Is this wrong? Is this crazy? If it is, I don't care. I've never been happier.

Darren't Support

Darren Hayes is gay.

I always had my suspicions but never truly believed it. That was before I saw him live (and got to see his mannerisms - very different to the ones in his video clips) and especially before I saw on the news break that he was getting married, to his boyfriend!

Of course his sexuality doesn't affect me in the slightest but I feel a little disappointed that I used to imagine him... you know, in that way. Well, not exactly that way, but close enough. Ew.

Don't think I've mentioned this but lots of his (Savage Garden's, mostly) songs were like a soundtrack to my life and will always remind me of specific times in my life.

Crash and Burn

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore...

...When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

It was like a lullaby that soothed me as I lied in bed in my foreign exchange host family's house on New Year's Eve, all alone.

Strange Relationship

...You push and pull me and
I'm about to loose my mind
Is this just a waste of time...

...Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this
Something so right but it feels so terribly wrong
I keep holding on
Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this...

...We break up and back together
And I swore to myself never
Oh how you do me
You strip me of my honor
And I don't ever think I'm gonna
Break free of these mind games
All I'm trying to do is modify my plan
'Cause I can't contain you...

...I can't control me...

...I want you back, I want you gone
Maybe I'm sick of holding on...

This one I listened to over and over when Max was on my mind 24/7. Although Darren was probably talking about his feelings for some guy, the lyrics suited the way I felt too.

These two songs were probably the main ones, but I loved all the others too. Each of them took me away. Some were inspiring, some made me want to dance, some soothed me when I was going through the pains of growing up, some made me dream of a sweeter future. And after all those years, I can still listen to them and relate.

Just Over It

After three years, I think I'm finally getting over blogging. Of course, this is just a Sunday 8:11pm thought which could easily change as soon as I'm less tired and have more spare time.

I used to be at home more often and have more time to make stories out of minor incidents. Now I have tons more stories and no time to sit down and write them. Here are some entries I could've written about:

1. My Stalker
2. Annoyances at Work
3. Deadline Stress at Work
4. Work Lunch with Colleagues
5. Ironing Ways
6. Sex Before Marriage
7. Saturday Night With Friends - When Things Don't Go According to Plan
8. Weekend With David
9. Taped the Wrong Movie
10. Unhappy Nurses who Take Blood
11. "Do We Have Chicken?" - On the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown
12. Going To Sleep at 7pm
13. Appendicitis Scare (Liver Overload - Self-Diagnosis)
14. Grandparents' Overseas Calls to Nowhere
15. RG Personified
16. Raisin Bread Addiction
17. Effects of Tiredness = Effects of Drunkedness

And those are just the ones that I can think of at the top off my head. Seriously, I have so much material to write and no time or desire to do so.

Well, actually I do have the desire to write about David. My all-time favourite topic. But I think I'm losing readers by constantly going on about him. Not that it should really matter - my blog, my topics, right? However, we all know that bloggers don't write just for themselves; that's what diaries are for. So I will write a summary:

David is PERFECT. For me. But you all already knew that, right?

Haven't laughed so hard that my stomach was flexing more muscles than during exercise. I was just so happy, I don't think I could ever be more content.

Night Visit

David called tonight after work (he finished a few hours early) and asked if he could come over. Now. I said, "Isn't it a bit late?" and he said, "I just really want to see you." Then he said, "Do you want me to come?" I told him of course I did, it was just that I had to wake up early for work tomorrow. He said he would only come for an hour.

I can't believe he would drive 40 minutes to my house just to see me for an hour. Although he did drive here once for only 15 minutes.

Went to April's house today. It was wonderful to see her. I haven't talked properly with her for weeks. We've just been emailing each other really long emails. That's all great but it's not the same. She told me some 'interesting' things about Christine and Evan. I'm not supposed to know any of it and April is usually very good with keeping secrets but this was too big for her.

Of course I will write it here for you. Evan let Christine kiss another guy for her birthday because she was attracted to him. Are they crazy, or what?

I can just imagine David allowing me to kiss some hot guy. That's laughable. First of all, David is the hottest guy to me and second of all how could David be ok with me making out with another guy?

Evan is seriously weird. He must not have any dignity or pride. But he's the only one who will put with Christine so she's quite lucky in that regard. April thinks that not a lot of people would put up with someone like Evan either. Who would want a guy who's such a doormat and has no self-worth?

If David was ok with me kissing another guy, I'd assume that he either didn't really care that much about me or he wanted to kiss some other girl.

April thinks that Evan and Christine will be one of those couples who have 'open' relationships. That wouldn't surprise me. Nothing shocks me with Christine anymore.

I could tell April wasn't feeling too good about still being single. I wish there was a way for me to help her. I told her a bit about David and I but I stopped myself before she felt truly horrible. I guess I want to be able to share my happiness. I want to tell everyone how happy he makes me and all the little things he does for me. But I restrained myself.

If even I managed to get a guy (in the most impossible circumstances), surely her time must come too. Just hope it's soon. That girl needs some love in her life, before she becomes completely bitter and cynical. I never even realised how negative I used to be until David pointed it out. I always expected the worst. Just like April. What I didn't realise that if I always expected the worst, I didn't allow positive things to happen.

Anyway, David should be here soon. I can't help but smile already.

Our Own Little World

My Mum drives me crazy. I wish I was back at P.S. with David. Just the two of us and no one else for miles. David said, "Let's escape together, forever" and honestly that was the best suggestion I've heard in a while. Of course we'd both never do that but it was a nice fantasy. I said, "Let's" and he said, "Are you serious?!" and I said, "Yes," and he said, "Really?" and I said, "I'm as serious as you".

Although we won't be escaping anywhere, last weekend was a nice pretend.

When I got home, my Mum said, "I missed you!" and then she said, "Did you miss us?" I didn't tell her I didn't. I was perfectly happy and didn't miss anything, other than David and he was right there.

Today, she started snapping as usual which really puts me on edge. How can I miss that?!

All I miss is David David David. I know he misses me already too. He sent me a message saying so - I can't stop missing you.

April told me Christine and Evan are moving in together next month. That shocked me. I know they've been going out for years and this was inevitable. I just still can't believe that it's really going to happen. The first out of my friends to make such a big step.

Told David and he said it was not such a big thing. They have been going out for 6 years now. I guess I just always took Christine's words that she wasn't sure about having a future with Evan for real. Out of all people I should know better.

David said he thought Claudia and Nick would be next. I was watching Desperate Housewives when he called (from work) so I didn't ask him to elaborate on his prediction. I mean, Claudia and Nick only started going out a few months before us so why should they be the next ones? Does that mean they will move in together next year? That seems so soon.

Funny I should say that actually because when David said we could get serious at the end of next year when he finishes uni, that's like forever to me.

I guess it's hard for us since neither of us has a secure job. My job might finish at the end of this year and I don't know how long it'd take for him to start working full-time. I wish he was done with uni already. Why did he decide to change careers so late? Anyway... At least I found him, right?

You might remember how I mentioned that he wanted to name his kid after his real Dad but I really didn't like the name. Well, this weekend I asked him what he thought of middle names. He said he'd go for anything I was happy with.

We had a fight too. Over who would make lunch. We both wanted to make the sandwiches with the canned tuna and tomatoes that we had. We compromised. He put the tuna on the bread. I cut the tomatoes and put it on the tuna. It was the most ridiculous scene with both of us making the same sandwich.

He insisted on washing up. I insisted on making fruit salad. It makes me smile that we argued over who would do the work for the other.

We saw Take the Lead. Then we got back to our cabin and practised all the moves David remembered from the film. He remembered all the cool ones. There was this scene where one character said that dancing took her away from everything. That's exactly how I feel about it. There's nothing else that erases all the thoughts from my mind and lifts all the stress.

David talked in his sleep. He kept saying how beautiful I was. He didn't remember saying that when he woke up. I wonder if he says that when he's sleeping at home, hugging a pillow or something.

I miss him so much already, I might explode. And even though it's holidays, he's working all nights till Thursday so I can only see him on Friday. At least we can spend the whole weekend together. We're going to go dancing. I always get in the mood to dance after watching dancing movies.

I wish I was moving in with David. I wish I was getting married. I wish for him to be next to me forever.

No Reason

David sent me such a cute email:

...The reason for this email is that there is no reason at all. Ahh yeahh I just want to say that I love you and ...

It made my day.

Speeding and Shakira

I have two things to say today. They have been at the back of my mind for a while but since they are not important, I keep forgetting to mention them.

1. Since when does the right lane have a speed limit 10km above the legal one?! On the way home from work, I have to drive in the right lane and even though I'm going even a few kilometres above the speed limit, all the cars behind me start to overtake me using the left lane! Like I'm going slow or something!

2. I saw the new Shakira video clip and man, she's the best looking woman I've ever seen.

That's all.

The Hidden Truth Uncovered

I had my suspicions for a while but now I am certain. I'm even embarrassed to write this but David is a closet Big Brother fan.

I believed him when he agreed with me it was complete rubbish. I didn't even question his words. I had no reason to.

Then the clues slowly started appearing. He'd mention he caught a bit of it. I understood that to mean that he just switched on the TV and it was on. Then he'd slip some names of the housemates. That caught my guard. I asked him if he watched it. He denied everything, just said he saw 'a bit'. I let it go. Why get paranoid about nothing?

This Friday, while I was having dinner with him and his sister and the TV was on Big Brother, David was staring at the screen and asking his sister who got nominated, by names! He even menioned why he thought some were nominated.

He had an opinion on the show! He watched it! I looked him in the eye and told him that I knew. He tried to deny it again but then he realised there was no point. He couldn't fool me any longer.

He started to explain, to excuse his trashy show viewing but I wouldn't have any of it. I told him to stop and let me watch the rest of the episode in peace.

Job Swap.

Since yesterday, I'm at my temp job full-time.

The perm job had a little party for me. They got me a cake.

Another two people resigned, including the person I answered to. Everyone's sick of that place. The CEO made me help him put an ad for 5 positions! And he put the company's name in it. Everyone thinks it's going to ruin the company because it looks weird to advertise so many positions in one go. What they don't know is that there are a lot of desperate people out there who wouldn't care.

My manager was just worried that if our competitors see the ad, they'd know something's wrong.

But none of us care anymore because we're not going to be there.

My temp job has so many benefits because it's a government organisation. Any over-time I do is counted towards having days off. So if I do extra 7 hours over a period of time, I get a day off. How cool is that! I caculated that if I work 7 and a half hours every day, in 14 days, I can take a day off. That's only a little over two weeks.

I'm already inundated with work. I have two major projects that the Director wants me to do but another manager gave me heaps of work too. The Director said she will talk to everyone not to give me work. That would be so good because I don't have much time to do these projects and they said they expected to be 'wowed'. No pressure or anything!

Anyway, a challenge should be a good thing. I never thought that being a designer would require my brain to be thinking so much. It's not as easy as it seems to create something out of nothing. My brain doesn't stop thinking even after work. I was driving and all I could think about was how I was going to do these projects. How I would draw different elements that I needed to make them look realistic.

I'm still thinking about it and I should stop.

In Sickness...

David had a whole weekend off work and we had heaps of plans but he got really sick. Poor guy. I went to his house after work to help him out and he was in bed, could barely talk and couldn't breathe. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he said was, "You look so pretty".

I helped his sister make him some food. After he ate, he felt a lot better because he actually got up and started making jokes. He said he was feeling fine and he was going to come to my house today. I told him he wasn't because I didn't want him to get worse.

So I should go and get ready to visit him. I told him I was coming at 12pm.