Digital Prints

I'm thinking of getting a digital camera but I found one piece of info that's kind of strange. Is it true that to get the digital photos printed costs $6.60 per photo (if it's not done at home)? Why is it so expensive?

Pretty Pictures

My blog looks so much nicer with pictures, don't you think?

I'd like to put more but I don't want it to take forever to download.

More Max

Ok, I've just travelled in a time machine back to when I was 16. Except I'm not 16, I'm 19 in the same circumstances that I was in 3 years ago.

Yes, that's right, I'm getting another crush on Max. Except since I don't have much else to do with my time, I don't care that I have a crush on him. I actually quite like it. How can I tell that I have a crush on him?

1. Well, I started listening to all the songs that we both like. I like them too but I haven't listened to them for a while.
2. Every time I check my email, I hope I get an email from him.
3. Every time I get an SMS, I hope it's from him.

Yes, I know it's very pathetic and really sad. But I honestly just don't care.

I'm so glad I called him. It dropped some of the mystery surrounding the whole thing. He's a real person now. And a really nice and cute one too.

How much easier things would be if we met in real life, which would actually not be too impossible. He lives 20 minutes away from me and we used to catch the same train before we even knew each other. I walked past the place where he used to work and there could be every chance that I could've seen him. There were also times when we were in the same place without knowing (i.e. shopping centre).

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! I just realised that my archives have been fixed!!!! About time!

Simile

Matchbox 20 to my ears is like chocolate to my tongue.

You know how I was saying how much I love reading blogs? Well, I'd love it even more if some blogs could write grammatically correct, using the right spelling and punctuation so I can understand it. There's a reason why punctuation was invented. And is it really hard to put a full stop at the end of each sentence? Seriously, reading some blogs is like reading another language or a 4 year old's scribblings.

A Taste Of The Real World

Ok, here are the details.

Work: about an hour before the end of my shift, Jack tells me that he has to have a talk about my probation period before I go. I realised that he was going to fire me. I was a bit upset because I needed that job. I was trying to calm myself down and trying to convince myself not to completely go off at him after he fires me.

Half an hour before the end of my shift, he and his wife took me outside. It was too awkward for words. I was anxiously waiting for them to tell me that I didn't fit in with their business or some other crap like that but they didn't. They told me that it had nothing to do with me but with the fact that the sales were so down for the last 2 months that they couldn't afford me anymore. And the reason they fired me and not someone else was because I was still on probation period and the last to join the team. I wonder what happened to the guy who came after me. I haven't seen him for quite a while. Maybe they dropped him too. They were so damn nice about the whole thing, it was disgusting. They said they'll send me a really nice reference. They better! And I got my Harry Potter book for free (as a gift), although they put up the price this week to $35 from $30.

I hate not having a job. I need some money flow. And tutoring is not much. I hate looking for a job. And I can't look for one now anyway because I'm supposed to have my gallbladder operation in the next few weeks and I won't be able to work right after that, and I can't not turn up for the first few days. I hate this.

Max: I got the guts to call him. I was expecting the worst (just in case) so I was very surprised to hear the nicest voice I've ever heard. Not nice as in personality but just the actual voice. He should be on radio. That's how nice it was. I, of course, was talking too fast and too loud. I was a bit surprised that he didn't say much. I felt like I had to fill every silence with anything, no matter how stupid it was. Thankfully, I had to go so there was no need to talk for longer.

He later messaged me to say that I sounded nervous! What the hell! I was so completely not nervous. I just always sound a bit too happy and excited and hyper. I told him that I'll only talk to him on the phone again if he'll actually talk back. I'll see what happens. He probably didn't like how I sounded. Oh well. Too bad for him, right? Right.

What I realised is the quicker I get to know him in real life and the quicker I realise that I don't like him in real life, the quicker I'll get over him. If I just talk to him on the net, there'll always be hope that he's this wonderful guy in real life. I need to kill that hope.

Well, today was eventful.

I got fired (or should I say retrenched).

I called Max.

Don't feel like writing about it now but I will later.

Others

I'm addicted to blogs. I absolutely love to read about other people's lives and thoughts. It's so satisfying.

Do you ever feel like you're just above everyone else?

I'm not trying to be snobby. It's an honest question, because I feel like that sometimes. Doesn't mean that I am above everyone else. I just get really annoyed by some people's immaturity (that they like to call humour). And if someone doesn't find it funny are uptight. Just because gross jokes are not funny, doesn't mean a person has no sense of humour. It just means that the person's intelligence can find humour in less subtle ways.

Although this sounds like I'm talking about myself, I'm not. I was speaking in general terms. (Well, apart from feeling superior to others and being tired of immaturity.)

If I Hear One More Thing About Relationships...

Most of my friends at uni are in serious long-term relationships and they were all talking about them all day today. I felt a bit left out. I'm pretty sure that they know that I don't have a boyfriend since I never mention one but they don't know that I never ever had one. I was just hoping that they wouldn't ask my about non-existent love life at all.

The funny thing is for some reason they ask me for advice on their relationships. What's up with that?! I guess I'm not too surprised because people always assume that I'm the type to have boyfriends. The thing is that I am the type to have a boyfriend. It's just something somewhere went completely wrong.

I seriously just give up on the whole thing. Yesterday I was actually glad not to have a boyfriend to worry about. Maybe after I'll move out, I'll get some cats and wear weird clothes and lead the proper spinster life.

Too bad I don't particularly like cats (or weird clothes).

Paranoid Basket Case

I'm getting really paranoid about this blog lately because I've been writing stories that could easily identify me to people who know me. For example when I told the story about the psycho that was at the store to my uni friends, their every look and response made me suspicious of them knowing about this site. I'm sort of trying to ignore my paranoia for now but it better not get out of control. I already conjured up images of the worst case consequences that could happen if people (that I know) find out about this.

Anyway, I was just reading stories about people meeting online and although all the happy stories make it sound very romantic, the odd scary one makes me question the whole idea. For example, if I meet Max and we become friends, what am I supposed to tell my parents and friends about how I met him? I'm already thinking up of plausible lies of our meeting circumstances (and I haven't even met him yet).

The reason I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to be judged as desperate. I know if someone told me that they met someone off the net, I'd think they were desperate. The reason I'd probably think that is because it's the truth. Although I try to convince myself otherwise. On one hand I really do want to meet Max because I think he'd make a great friend. But on the other, I wish I'd meet some other guy who would make a great friend so there won't be any secrecy.

Although it's the secrecy of the whole thing that bothers me, it also makes the whole thing more exciting and I crave things that are not ordinary.

I don't think Max would be too happy about keeping the whole thing a secret. He'd think that I was embarrased by him. But it's not that I'm embarrassed by him as much as I'm embarrassed by the whole situation.

It feels so nice to be able to talk about this openly here because the only person that knows about me talking to Max again and thinking of meeting him is Andrew and he thinks it's a great idea. I can't take his advice so straight forwardly though because he's a bit naive about a lot of things. Since he's younger than me, I can never take anything he says very seriously because I don't know if he's saying it with mature thought or off-handed feelings.

I know I'm becoming a real basket case. Not that I wasn't enough of one before. But that's why you all like reading my blog, don't you? :-)

Blah

I just came back from work and I'm in a bad mood. I hate Jack, the manager. I feel like becoming very violent every time he's there.

Other than that, work was quite exciting today. We had a man who acted like a 3 year old. Literally! Jack even called security which made the man run around the store screaming. The security had to physically take him out. But then he broke free and was running past the shops squeling and crying for his Mum. When his Mum came, she apologised and said that the reason her son didn't want to leave the store was because it was his birthday yesterday and he wanted a $55 book but she wasn't planning on buying it.

The scary thing was that when I first walked past him, he said something and I thought that he wanted to ask me something. After I turned around he kept staring at me while making weird noises which made me realise that he was not 'normal'.

I'm really thinking if I should get another job. I wouldn't mind if they fired me because that would give me an excuse to one. Also, this job would look nice on my resume.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately with doing my assignments and staying on the net. Every morning when I have to wake up early, I tell myself that I will go to sleep early that night. But do I ever?

Can't wait till next week. For a couple of reasons. I'm expecting something interesting to happen. I'm not saying what though. Because it might not happen.

You know how I said that the recent photo of Max looks creepy? Well, the more I look at it the less creepy it seems. I can't even understand why I thought he looked scary in the first place. It's like with all the photos that he sent me. At first, I'm surprised but after I get used to them, I like them. Maybe it's just the initial reaction.

I need to go to the library and borrow some new books. Maybe next week.

What happened to my message board? Everyone used to post all the time but now it's dead. Please help me revive it. Is there anything you ever wanted to talk about but never could, or people just didn't listen, well here's your chance! Make it happen!

Yes, I do need sleep.

Procrastination

Procrastination is my worst enemy at the moment. Or to be more exact, at every moment where I need to do uni assignments. When will I start listening to the reason inside my head that keeps nagging me to start (and finish) early, for once!

Who wants to know about Max?

Ok, I won't tell you.

What I will tell you though (even if you couldn't care less) is that I admit to being a breadaholic. (I'm also a bookaholic but we all know that already). I, seriously, just absolutely love the smell and taste of fresh bread. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Too bad fresh bread has so many carbohydrates and carbohydrates make you fat and if you're fat you can't look good in clothes. And really, what else is there to life? :)

You know that Atkins diet that is so in fashion at the moment? Well, I think it actually might have some truth in it. Every time I eat less food with carbohydrates, I lose weight (even if I eat more fatty food).

Speaking of food, I'm a bit sick of my gallbladder. I want a donut. Everyone at uni has been having them lately. But just the thought of throwing up at uni because of a minute of enjoying that donut turns me off all food. Anyway, I know you don't want to hear about my gallbladder but this is my blog and you don't have to read it.

My Mum is going for a 2 day business trip to another state. Although I don't see her that much lately, it feels weird for her not be around. It's not like the first time that she left but still.

April and I are going to the Matchbox 20 concert!!!!! Could we be any luckier?! Actually we could be, if we found out about it earlier and got the tickets as soon as they were on sale and actually got the seats next to each other. But I'm still happy. Sure it'd be great to seat together but I'll live.

I've run out of things to write so I'm going to go and get some sleep so I can wake up early enough tomorrow to finish my assignment.

My Big Break

Right after I finished tutoring my student today, she asks me, "Have you been in Girlfriend? [Australian teenage girls magazine]" I was like, "What?! No! Why?" She said that there is someone in it who looks exactly like me and has the same name (which is not very common). All I said was, "That's strange".

Then while I was driving home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's extremely unlikely for someone to have the same name as me and look like me as well! I started to come up with weird theories like someone put a picture of me with some horrible story like "I Live With Anorexia" or "I Kissed A Girl" or "I Have Five Boyfriends And They Don't Know About Each Other" or "I Was Pregnant At 14" or "How To Dump That Loser" or "My Boyfriend Is In Jail" or "My Sister Stole My Boyfriend" or "Achieving Your Dream: Starting Your Jewelerry Business". Ok, I'm getting carried away here but can you sense my worries?!

I will take a deep breath and imagine that the girl who looked like me was a beautiful model, wearing stylish clothes...

My Favourite Customer

The best thing happened at work yesterday. A customer wouldn't buy a book because the 'daughter manager' was rude to me! The customer made a huge scene saying to me how rude the manager was to me and that I was very good with her. I don't think I could've even expected something like that. The funny thing was that the manager wasn't even that rude. Or maybe I was just getting used to it and it took an outsider to remind me that I'm wasn't imagining the rudeness. Anyway, that made my whole day!

How To Waste Time

Check out googlism.com. Put your name into the search engine and see what comes out.

Inside and Outside

I emailed Max and got a reply the next day. With my next e-mail I sent a photo of me. He was really surprised that during the few years that we talked I never sent him a pic but now after 2 emails I have. I don’t think he realises just how much I changed. He said he changed a lot but I don’t think he has much. A nice change would’ve been if he decided to go to uni but he’s still doing the same mundane job that he was before. He sent me a recent photo of him. To tell you the truth I was a bit creeped out by it. It’s obvious that it’s the same guy as the cute one but somehow he looks scary. It’s an extreme close-up and it’s really dark and one of his eyes look really big compare to the other one. And he just generally looks older than his 23 years. I don’t know, it made me rethink if I really want to meet him. It’s weird how in real life you first see what a person looks like and then you find out their personality but online it’s the opposite. It makes it harder for me to put the personality to the face.

My Life In Point Form

I've gone insane. I'm thinking thoughts that I would never before think and the worst is that I'm thinking these thoughts with logic. Before I thought these same thoughts with emotions, rather than common sense. At least before when I thought irrationally, I never acted on them. Now when I can rationalise all my thoughts, I know I'm going to act on them. This is starting to scare me. How could I change my mind so easily about issues that I feel really strongly about? What's going on? I don't feel like myself.

Since Max's email my whole perspective on the situation changed. How could that be? I'm usually very set in my views on those sort of issues. What is going on with my brain?!

It's as if some force is making me think those thoughts and I don't even believe in 'forces'.

Ever since I started this blog, I've been slowly changing. If you told me last year that I would post my life on the net, I would've told you that you were crazy. I'm pretty reserved in real life, although not as much as I used to be.

Did I tell you that I believe that every year you experince something that will define that year and your life in general? I don't know if that refers to you but I noticed that's what happens in my life.

1993: Having the best adventure of my life with Ivan.
1994: Going into a private school and getting the biggest shock of my life that for the first time I can't get on with anyone. That was quite depressing for a 10 year old.
1995: Excitement about getting into a really good high school.
1996: First year of high school.
1997: Accepting that although Nadine is not a perfect best friend, she's my best friend.
1998: Becoming close friends with April and Amelia, finding out that a person can really hate me without even knowing me. Finding out who my true friends are.
1999: Exchange Program showed that I could be completely independent and how important my family and friends are to me.
2000: Max. (Need I say more?)
2001: Last year of school, uni exams. Being able to handle pressure and stress.
2002: First year of uni, meeting lots of new people, realising that it's much harder to get a boyfriend than I originally thought. Also realising that although school finished, my school friendships haven't.
2003: This blog for now but maybe something else will happen. There's always hope.

I didn't write before 1993 because although I remember stuff that happened, I don't remember the order.

So if you had to write a significant event for every year of your life, what would your list look like?

Second Beginning

I think you should consider yourselves very lucky that you didn't know me when I was 16 and 17 because my blog would've been filled with constant babble about Max, like it's beginning to be. I'm sure you're just thrilled. (Well the curious ones probably really are.) At that time I even filled my diary (that I used to keep) with entries only about Max. You can call it an obsession. That's what I call it. I thought it was just another little crush but there's nothing little about it.

No one has commented about this. Actually everyone stopped posting to my message board. What happened?

I sort of decided to myself that I will email him. First I'll suss out why he decided to email me and I'll act depending on what his reasons are. If he just wants to know what I'm up to and that's all, that's fine. But if he really missed me and wants to talk again, I'll tell him that the online thing is over and I want it to be real. If he agrees, then I'll send him a pic of me and then call him. If not... actually I haven't thought about that... Should I just talk to him anyway or should I break it? I guess I'll think about it later.

I actually talked to Andrew about it. I never told him the exact details of how I met Max until today. He thinks I should meet up with him. Andrew is getting really mature lately. I love having a brother like him. It's like always having a friend there. I love listening to him tell me about his friends. His stories inspire me to make a show about his group of friends, rather than mine. All the girls tell him about how they like other guys and always ask him for advice but they never tell him who likes him. He's like the typical nice guy. I can't tell you about all of his unique friends. It will take too long.

So I guess the next few months could be very interesting for me. I need some excitement.

Oh!!! Before I forget I have to tell you about a little incident that happened relating to Nate (remember the guy who used to work with me for a tiny while?) At the end of my shift on Sunday, I grabbed the envelope with my pay slip from my tray. When I opened it on the train, I noticed that the times that I worked were completely different to the real ones. Then I noticed that on the envelope was Nate's name, not mine! It was Nate's pay slip! It must've been accidentally put into my tray. When I got home, I realised something. I could find out his age by his rate. When I looked at it, I couldn't believe it. He got $4 less than me!!! How could he be younger than me?!!! I've got a big issue with liking guys that are younger than me. It completely grosses me out. It's probably 'cause I have a younger brother and I think of younger guys as his friends or little kids, even if they are 17 or 18. I don't know why, I just do. He so didn't look younger than me but he must be. So it was good for me that he left. Imagine if I got a crush on a 15/16/17 year old and not know it?!!!

This is a bit irrelevant but April visited me at work. I was in a bad mood because I was stressed about all my assignments and the 'daughter manager' was being her usual bitchy self but when I saw April, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. She talked with me for a while which was the biggest mood booster. There's nothing like cheering up from a good friend. I haven't seen her for a while and was missing her so you can imagine my happiness when I saw her.

Mind Games

Mind Games

Since I got the email from Max, my life changed (or on the path of a big change). It's almost like someone coming back from the dead after you finally accepted their departure. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I reread our ICQ logs to remind me why I didn't like him but the things that I got really annoyed by don't annoy me as much.

Although I know what he looks like, I always imagine him to not look too good. I looked at the photos again and there's no way he's bad looking. Quite the opposite. He's got big brown eyes and the sweetest smile. Just looking at him makes me want to meet him right now. I know that's not a good reason to meet him so I won't.

I decided to be completely straight forward with him and not play stupid mind games. I'm probably going to email him back but wait a while before I do that to let him know that I'm not going to talk to him whenever he wants to talk to me after he ignored several of my messages (ages ago). Also if we start talking again, I decided that I’m going to make the whole thing real and meet him. If I won’t like him, I’ll get over it sooner without always having hope that he’s wonderful in real life. And if I will like him, then wonderful.

When I was thinking straight, I told myself that I will never go out with a guy who has no marriage potential no matter how desperate I get. I will definitely not marry Max. I just don’t want to settle on him. I need someone to at least have tertiary education and be a complete atheist since I feel really strongly about those, among other things (like no smoking and drugs but we both agree on those). Basically I only want to marry a guy who is smarter than me (in educational things). Max never went to uni and has a different outlook on those things. He also has a lot of family problems and when I have kids, I want them to be protected from that. I want them to have 2 happy sets of grandparents. Also, statistically, people from broken homes view marriage differently and see divorce as a solution to any big problem. I don’t want that. I doubt that will happen with Max because he feels very strongly about marriage and family but I can never know for sure. Anyway the latter issues aren’t even issues because him not taking uni seriously and not being sure about religion are major barriers. What I really like about him ,though, that makes me want to go out with him so much is that he’s very intuitive and senses things about me before I even say them. Not a lot of people can do that. We also have similar hobbies and I just generally like talking to him.

But going out with him would be really not fair to him if I already know that we have no future together. That would be leading him on, since I know he could really fall in love with me. I’m not being over-confident. He hinted before that he likes me too much. He obviously isn’t in love with me but he might be. I’ll just end up breaking his heart and causing myself a lot of emotional problems. But on the other hand, I can fall in love with him too without wanting to. When people go out, they don’t need to think of practical things that couples think about when they’re married. I’ll lose all control of my practical thinking skills, like you can see that I’m already doing.

Did I say that I don’t want to play mind games with him? That seems impossible at this moment. Imagine if I tell him, “I just want to go out with you now because I really like you and because I haven’t met anyone better. I definitely don’t want to marry you and we’ll break up as soon as I’ll meet someone who does have marriage potential.”. He’ll think I’m a selfish bitch. And he would be right.

What should I do?!!! I need help!!!

SHOCK!

I've just gotten the biggest shock! I think I may be hallucinating. The impossible just happened. Even getting a boyfriend would seem more realistic than this. Does anyone want to guess?

No?

I was just casually checking my mail and there was an email from... MAX!!!!!!!!! I have to remind myself to breathe just thinking about it. Just a while ago I was missing him and wanting and not wanting an email from him at the same time. I was so extremely grateful that he didn't write or anything because not having any contact with him made it much easier to get over the whole fiasco. The further away in time that he was, the less I cared and the easier it was to look forward without being distracted by the past. I don't particularly like looking back (although I do anyway) and the only way I could forget (or as close as possible to forgetting) about him is to not have any connection with him.

Here I was thinking that it was very strong of him to break all communication, and what does he do?!!! The email is so short but it brings back so much. I don't want to go back to the same thoughts and feelings that I had 3 years ago. They completely blocked me from reality. I don't want to live in that state of semi-consciosness again. And that's probably what will happen if I'll reply to his email. Or will it? I'm not a 16 year old school girl anymore and he might've grown up too. The curious part of me really wants to know what he's been up to but the practical part of me (that knows what's best for me) tells me to ignore the e-mail and pretend that he never sent it.

If only I had a boyfriend, my decision would've been so much easier. The only reason I want him is because there's no one else and he's not too bad. I just have a major issue with trusting him. Although I've talked to him for over 2 years, I can’t fully believe that he is what he says he is. I don’t know why exactly, but I can’t. And he can tell which is why he started to get really annoyed with me. His annoyance just made me trust him even less. At the end we just got so annoyed with each other that he decided to stop talking to me which was fine with me.

Do you think emailing him back is completely harmless or do you think I definitely shouldn’t do it? I’d really like to know what you think I should do and why since you can judge the situation objectively, unlike myself who can’t think straight when anything has to do with Max.

I know that you obviously don’t know the whole situation so you can ask me any questions that would affect your judgement about what I should do.

Uni, Music and Celebrities

Two more weeks till the end of the semester. Time flies so fast. I'm almost half way through uni. Amelia said that she wasn't particularly looking forward to the holidays because she likes the uni atmosphere. I just want a break from assignments and exams (and get rid of my gall bladder that's really annoying me).

I don't think my first 1 1/2 years of uni was very productive (apart from the fact that I'm getting closer to getting that piece of paper that will get me a good job). Although it was enjoyable, I didn't make any really important connections with anyone and I need to be connected to people. I thrive on that. Somehow, I just imagined it to be different, more exciting. I don't know... My future never meets my hopes that I have for it.

I really should stop writing here at night. I just can't say anything remotely amusing at this time. I just type out my stream of consciousness. Not a good thing (for me).

I have to work tomorrow. I just can't hide my excitement (and sarcasm). I read somewhere that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. Does anyone agree with that?

I've been downloading Matchbox 20 songs. They are my favourite band now. Every song fits me. They never got the recognition that they deserve. I also like Everclear (but not as much). Goo Goo Dolls are not too bad either (I heard them live once which was pretty cool). Another favourite band of mine is Savage Garden.

Speaking of celebrities, Norma said something very smart last week. We were talking about Michael Jackson's songs and got onto the topic of Michael Jackson's actions and Norma said, "He's a performer, we don't care about his private life". I couldn't agree more. Somehow, I'm just not that interested in celebrities' lives like so many people are. I don't understand why. I'm very curious about people, but not about celebrities. I prefer 'real' people. People I can relate to. I'd rather read personal blogs that trashy magazines about famous people. Does anyone else feel this way?

I don't know why, but sometimes there's nothing more relaxing than being on the net at night (and not having to wake up early the next day).

Friends Cure Shyness

I saw Amelia today (just like I do every Tuesday). Although we've always been really good friends, lately, I feel really close to her. I can talk to her about almost anything.

I talked to her stalker today. That was hilarious. When he called her mobile, I answered and told him that she left her mobile with me for a few weeks and asked if he wanted to leave a message. After a couple of minutes of his "uh...uhm...uh..." etc, he said to tell her that he called. I was trying so hard not to laugh because Amelia was making weird faces at me. I don't think she believed what I was actually doing. I sort of didn't really believe it either. Since when do I make up stories to guys who I've never even met? It was always in me to make stuff up for fun but I've never actually done it.

I used to be so shy around people (apart from my family) when I was younger, but now if I'm with my close friends, I do not-so-shy things. I don't know how I acquired all this extra confidence. Probably from the fact that people like me even more when I'm myself, rather than when I don't say or do anything.

You know that quote "It's better to not say anything and make people think you're stupid, rather than say something and remove all doubt"? I, unconsciously, lived by that. Now, even if I say something stupid, I just don't care (unless, of course, it's to a guy who I like but since I don't like any guy right, it doesn't count).

Trends

I can't believe how many people are getting message boards now because they saw it on my site! I feel like I started a trend, yay!!!

Although, I have a little confession to make. It wasn't my original idea. Katie (from Digital Ink) used to have a message board but she closed it before I started reading her blog. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't talk about her blog with other readers and her, so I decided to get a message board for myself.

I guess I re-started the trend. It's a nice feeling to be followed.

When I was little, my brother used to copy absolutely everything that I did which used to make me really mad. When I got a bit older, I realised that his copying should be taken as flattery which is what I think of it now. So if anyone wants a message board, feel free to copy (not that you need my permission).