Mind Games

Mind Games

Since I got the email from Max, my life changed (or on the path of a big change). It's almost like someone coming back from the dead after you finally accepted their departure. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I reread our ICQ logs to remind me why I didn't like him but the things that I got really annoyed by don't annoy me as much.

Although I know what he looks like, I always imagine him to not look too good. I looked at the photos again and there's no way he's bad looking. Quite the opposite. He's got big brown eyes and the sweetest smile. Just looking at him makes me want to meet him right now. I know that's not a good reason to meet him so I won't.

I decided to be completely straight forward with him and not play stupid mind games. I'm probably going to email him back but wait a while before I do that to let him know that I'm not going to talk to him whenever he wants to talk to me after he ignored several of my messages (ages ago). Also if we start talking again, I decided that I’m going to make the whole thing real and meet him. If I won’t like him, I’ll get over it sooner without always having hope that he’s wonderful in real life. And if I will like him, then wonderful.

When I was thinking straight, I told myself that I will never go out with a guy who has no marriage potential no matter how desperate I get. I will definitely not marry Max. I just don’t want to settle on him. I need someone to at least have tertiary education and be a complete atheist since I feel really strongly about those, among other things (like no smoking and drugs but we both agree on those). Basically I only want to marry a guy who is smarter than me (in educational things). Max never went to uni and has a different outlook on those things. He also has a lot of family problems and when I have kids, I want them to be protected from that. I want them to have 2 happy sets of grandparents. Also, statistically, people from broken homes view marriage differently and see divorce as a solution to any big problem. I don’t want that. I doubt that will happen with Max because he feels very strongly about marriage and family but I can never know for sure. Anyway the latter issues aren’t even issues because him not taking uni seriously and not being sure about religion are major barriers. What I really like about him ,though, that makes me want to go out with him so much is that he’s very intuitive and senses things about me before I even say them. Not a lot of people can do that. We also have similar hobbies and I just generally like talking to him.

But going out with him would be really not fair to him if I already know that we have no future together. That would be leading him on, since I know he could really fall in love with me. I’m not being over-confident. He hinted before that he likes me too much. He obviously isn’t in love with me but he might be. I’ll just end up breaking his heart and causing myself a lot of emotional problems. But on the other hand, I can fall in love with him too without wanting to. When people go out, they don’t need to think of practical things that couples think about when they’re married. I’ll lose all control of my practical thinking skills, like you can see that I’m already doing.

Did I say that I don’t want to play mind games with him? That seems impossible at this moment. Imagine if I tell him, “I just want to go out with you now because I really like you and because I haven’t met anyone better. I definitely don’t want to marry you and we’ll break up as soon as I’ll meet someone who does have marriage potential.”. He’ll think I’m a selfish bitch. And he would be right.

What should I do?!!! I need help!!!