Tired of Nothing

It's weird that the less I do the more tired I get. All day I've been in a state of blurriness. I guess it could be my sore throat and a coming on of a cold but it's most likely that I haven't been doing anything productive or out.

I wanted to catch up on all my library books so I could finish them soon but even though some of them are very good, my eyes were just closing.

I had a nap during the day which is such an old person thing to do. When I woke up, I still felt fazed out.

Ran out of my homoepathic medicine and the clinic didn't have any more in stock so I have to wait a few days without it. Such a relief that I have a reason not to take it.

Craved chocolate and fresh bread all day. I wonder why I never hear of guys ever craving anything specific. It's usually just females.

Watched my tape of Desperate Housewives again. It was weird to see the actor who played the nanny because I remember when she was on Party of Five as a child. She was Claudia's first real friend, who introduced her to smoking and then turned out to have an abusive stepfather and when Claudia told Charlie (the guy who's on Lost now), he took her out of her home. Don't remember what happened to her in the end. But it's cool in a way to see an actor grow up through different shows. Plus, she played on The Practice.

I ended up calling Veronica on Thursday. She's having the absolutely best time at her new job. I wish she stayed at my job longer.

Yesterday I got to do something fun at work which was great. I got access to some production companies film notes and press releases because I had to write a movie synopsis for one that I had to design a promotion for. Did not feel like work at all. Wish every day was like that. It made me more determined to get into the film/television industry. Will wait till this job ends to figure out my next step.

I read my journal that I kept when I was in America. It brought back so many wonderful memories. It feels like it's been a lifetime ago. I know I never ended up writing about the end of my trip. Maybe I will later. Only to relive the experience.

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The Scariest in Life

Can't help but think that this time last week, I was enjoying myself with BG3. Maybe this time next week, I will be doing the same.

Although yesterday after my 'church experience', it became too clear that I could never have a serious relationship with him since he believes in God. I guess I could ignore that bit for now. I think I can ignore most things.

After the church concert last night, April and I almost got hit by a car while we were crossing the road (on green light!). The car swirled around from the corner, not even slowing down and hitting April's bag which totally freaked me out 'cause I thought it hit her side. I automatically (and stupidly) stretched out my arm to push the car back from her and ended up twisting it a bit.

My Dad later asked if I got the car's number plate but I was too shaken up to think of that. All I could think was if April was ok 'cause after I heard the sound of the car hitting April's bag (and I didn't realise it was just the bag), and she stumbled backwards, I thought she was going to fall over and that totally scared me because I would not be able to deal if anything had happened to April.

Last night I saw a girl who used to go to my school and she told us that one of my favourite teacher's son died in an accident while working for the army. Couldn't stop thinking about it because I remember how she used to tell us about being against him working in the army. Her daughter also did ODV with me when I was at uni so it's scary to think of what they must be going through.

Then, the singer from yesterday also said how one of his closest friends died when he was 22. I guess in this sense, religion would be comforting but since I don't believe there's another life after death, it scares me more than anything in life.

The Brainwasher

I should've known that going to a concert at a church was not such a great idea. (Especially since I could've been out bowling with David and his friends which April so kindly reminded me of.)

It was so silly and naive of me to think that just because Ellen (who knows I'm not religious) invited me to see some musician at her church, it didn't mean he was going to be singing Christian songs.

When April and I got there, we sat apart from the rest of the people because we wanted to have a private conversation about things that we usually talk about. However, Ellen decided that it was a great time to get all her church friends to come and make us feel welcome. Everyone was so friendly and nice, I decided not to tell them to go away and let me and April entertain ourselves. Not sure how many times I went through the standard introductory chit-chat. Was very glad I had a job and could flaunt it around.

"Oh, I do graphic design at [company]"
"Wow! Isn't that really hard to get into?"
"Yeah, but you know, I was lucky."

I think April enjoyed saying that she did Law but for some strange reason people didn't look as impressed as others usually did.

"Oh you do Law? Oh my God, graphic design, that's so cool!"

Even though the singer had a nice voice and I liked his tunes, I absolutely couldn't take his lyrics. Other than all the parts about Jesus dying for us, personally, what really angered me was when he said, "People say that innocent people died during the 9/11 attacks. Innocent of what? Maybe murder but were they really innocent? Jesus was truly innocent and it was a real tragedy when he died because he was the only one who was pure."

Excuse me while I go and throw up.

I felt sick listening to what he had to say. He was retelling stories from the Bible as if he was there. And he said that he was there which really made me pity him even more.

Also got agitated when he said that the best way to live was to extreme. That is the absolute worst way to be. It's the extreme people who cause all the problems. There needs to be balance.
Decided that I hate the word 'worship' because to me that implies not thinking for yourself and just following someone else entirely. So stupid.

And he was talking about God as if he was a person who he knew personally. When people personalise ideas and make them human, it just makes it more certain that they are not real.

I felt pity and anger and frustration tied together while I was sitting there watching everyone pay attention to what he was saying.

I feel the world would be a better place without religion. It's like one huge brain-washing cult that took over so much of the population.

The Anti-Social Work Life

There's a new guy at work who catches the same train as me to work. I'm so happy that now I'll have someone to talk to on the way to work.

Little things like that make me so excited now.

Work is too anti-social for my liking. I basically sit in front of my computer for most of my day, and only talk to other people about work.

I really should call Veronica. I keep putting it off. Not sure why.

The Cleaner

Last week I met one of the cleaners at work. I met her in the toilet (which is truly horrible). She thought I was someone else. I thought she just came out of jail.

Last week when I was heating up my lunch in the most disgusting kitchen in a really dirty microwave with the warehouse workers all around me, this cleaner came in and angrily shouted, "No one better make a mess after I cleaned up! Everyone OUT! I said out, OUT!"

I tried to make myself invisible since my lunch was still in the microwave and I just couldn't leave it there. She then came up to me and quietly said, "Don't worry, I don't mean you".

Now, every time I see her, she's so friendly to me and looks happy to see me.

I'm scared.

Very scared.

I'm Not A One-Time Wonder

He called he called he called!

We talked. I said, "Pardon?" more times that I think I have ever before. I'm sure his English will improve eventually.

We're meeting in 2 weeks. I can't this Friday. He can't this Saturday and he said Sunday is his study day.

Like it matters. We're meeting and that's the only thing I care about.

Work tomorrow should be fun :)

Judgement Day

Today would be the first day that would be a good time for David to call. I think that since I'm so anxious for my phone to ring, it will not. That's just a life law. The more you wait for something, the less likely it's going to occur.

Tomorrow I can start counting down how much time there's left for him to call, because by the time this week ends, I can be sure I won't see him again.

I hate my guy-obsessive nature. I should go and call Veronica or something to see how her new job is going. It would be a waste to lose contact with her. But of course, I have to think in my stupid way: what if I make plans to meet her and David calls and there won't be a convenient time for both of us to meet?

Doing this is almost like making him not call.

I spent all day at work thinking about scenarios with him in them to make my day more enjoyable. I won't be able to do that anymore if he doesn't call.

And no, I'm not calling him. I did that last week. It's his turn.

You know, he said that I didn't look South American during daytime. That's like saying that I only look pretty in the dark when he can't really see me. And I'm sure he got put off by the fact that I never had proper relationships.

I think I'll just make myself think the worst so the disappointment doesn't hit so hard. What happened to my non-caring if I see him again? Where did that feeling go?

Miss Uni So Much

I finished my beginner dance class! I'm looking forward to the next level, especially since Andy agreed to come with me. Might make him practise with me so I can impress David.

Oh, what am I even talking about. I might never even see David again. Silly me, getting carried away again.

So don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Can't believe how much I miss uni life. Well, actually I can. I remember I looked forward to going to uni, it was almost like going out 'cause it was so social. I did all the work at home.

Maybe David can call tomorrow and make me feel better?

I wish.

Graffiti

"You asked what was more important to me, you or my life. I told you, 'My life' and you walked away, not knowing that YOU WERE MY LIFE!"

- anonymous, back of a train seat

Mum's Views Change

Mum: how come Claudia was so late yesterday?
me: her boyfriend slept over and she didn't want to wake him up in the morning even though he was supposed to give her a lift.
Mum: Claudia has a boyfriend?!
me: yeah, for over 6 months now
Mum: really?! So it's just you and April left without boyfriends.
me: and Amelia
Mum: it's your and April's turn to get boyfriends now.
me: yeah
Mum: is Claudia's boyfriend Asian?
me: no
Mum: it's funny how Claudia and Christine both have white boyfriends. Maybe you and April will have dark ones.
me: what do you mean by dark?
Mum: Asian
me: what about dark from other countries?
Mum: like?
me: what country do you want?
Mum: Actually your boyfriend should be dark
[because my ethnic background has predominatly dark people, even though we have caucasian shaped features, but you would never think I had that background because I'm fair]
me: and what if he was Asian?
Mum: oh, I don't care anymore. As long as you're happy.

I was so surprised by her saying that 'cause I know she wants me to marry someone from the same background as me. She really changed. Probably because she thnks I'm a lost cause and she'd be happy if I had anyone.

Sharing - Betrayal?

Last night, April called me after she got back home. We talked till 1am about Saturday. I was wondering if I was betraying David by telling everything to April. I tried to excuse this by saying that it's not like he's my boyfriend or that I told everyone about it, just her. And some to my brother, but not all. The two people I tell everything to. I made myself feel better by thinking that I wouldn't mind if he told his closest friend/sister everything about me.

Even though it seems like I wrote everything about him here, I haven't written the personal things he told me. So it's not that bad, right?

I don't think I can totally convince myself of this. Yet I find it so hard to keep all my thoughts to myself. I felt such relief after sharing with April. It would be cool if my boyfriend was my best friend so I'd just discuss everything with him and won't have to the need to tell others.

Is there someone in your life that you tell everything to?

David: The Good And The Bad

April and Claudia left. Only got to tell April bits of what happened yesterday while Claudia was in the toilet or in the kitchen. I wonder if she heard anything. Didn't get to tell April about anything bad so she must think it went perfectly.

Every time I think of yesterday, I either remember the bad things about him and get instantly put off or the good things and get a crush on him. And I can never remember the good and the bad at the same time. There were a couple of times when I forgot what I didn't like about him.

Will write a list.

Bad
- used to smoke
- believes in God
- thinks speeding is fun
- got drunk
- used to not care about studying
- used to be close minded
- does not want to settle down
- likes danger
- too patriotic

Good
- likes dancing
- has the exact same music taste as me
- deep
- smart
- gets along with his sister
- knows when I'm joking
- has a sense of humour
- has close friends
- open
- gives me butterflies in my stomach when he's close
- older
- studies hard
- confident
- admits to being a show-off (self-awareness of bad characteristics erases them)
- social
- talkative but a good listener
- attentive
- enthusiastic
- likes adventure and travel
- friendly

So the good things outnumber the bad but some of the bad are pretty bad in my mind. I think it might be impossible to find guys who don't believe in God and don't have any faith. And that's something so important to me. Religion always ruins everything.

And the major point for one of the categories is either:
The Bad: He doesn't like me
The Good: He likes me

For now though, if he likes me, I don't care about the bad things. He would definitely do for a first boyfriend or even just a good friend. Someone to hang out with.

More Afterthoughts

I went to sleep at 10 o'clock last night which is so way too early for me but I was tired. Then today, I woke up before it got light, must've been about 5am, if not earlier. I can't believe I'm awake so early.

Today, April and Claudia are coming over so it's going to be a nice and relaxing fun day. I called April last night to tell her about my day but she was out and when she got back, I was already asleep so I'll have to wait even longer to tell her about David, since I can't say all the details in front of Claudia. And April and I are still not totally over Claudia not telling us she was going out with her boyfriend for over 6 months. I mean, we're supposed to be her closest friends. So I'm not in a completely sharing mood with her at the moment.

Fortunately I got to tell Andy about yesterday so that was cool. He thinks every guy I tell him about is great. And he always wanted to go to South America but the friend he was going with changed his mind so he thinks he can go with David. I told him it's not happening 'cause David isn't planning on going back there. I told Andy he took me to his favourite place and Andy said, "That was quick!" but I thought, it's not like it's his secret favourite place. If it's his favourite, why not go there? If anything works out with him, it might be my favourite place too.

Really hope I get to see him again. The good thing about knowing there's no real future with him is that there're less expectations. Like, it really doesn't bother me that he thinks marriage is committing suicide because I would never marry him. Although honestly I didn't really believe him when he said it. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself because his friends back home were getting married and settling down. It's normal there to get married in early 20s, like in POB. And you know what, I didn't even bring up that topic in the first place.

It's weird that yesterday, I didn't really think I'd even be thinking about him that much, but now I can't help it.

Afterthoughts

Did I ever say that I love when guys have laughter in their eyes? It makes them 10 times more attractive.

David had laughing eyes.

Oh and I found out he's 22, almost 23. His birthday is one day less than 2 months after mine.

And he said he respected me for feeling strong about not drinking for the sake of it or smoking. No one ever said they respected me for that.

When we were together, I never really felt it was surreal, like my 'date' with Andrew. It felt really normal and wasn't awkward at all, like I expected. I did not have a goofy grin on my face like last time. I think I was more natural. When he was driving me back to the station and I was quiet, he asked me a few times if I was ok. I guess the silence wasn't that comfortable for him. I was fine, just listening to his music and watching the sun set all around me.

The more I think about today, the more I want for this not to be a one-time thing, like last time.

David's and My Day Out

I spent almost 6 hours talking to David today.

We didn't watch movies or do anything specific to entertain us. We just talked. He's not exactly RG but I liked talking with him. He has the exact same music taste as me. We were singing along to the radio in his car.

He definitely doesn't feel like a stranger anymore. What impressed me was how much he knew. He's well read and very active (hopefully he didn't get put off by my unsporty self). Wasn't too impressed though that he used to smoke and likes to speed. The latter definitely put me off. But I guess it can't hurt to have him as a friend.

There was one embarrassing moment though.

D: do you have a boyfriend?
me (trying to lighten the atmosphere for myself): no, do you have a boyfriend?
D(smiling): boy friend or boyfriend?
me: same as you asked me
D: no
me: do you have a girlfriend?
D: I had one.
me: so you don't anymore?
D: we broke up 2 months ago
[He then went on about how it's harder for guys to get over girls than the other way around so I shared my general wisdom on relationships without relating anything to myself, for which he was definitely waiting for.]
D: So you never had a boyfriend?
me (in my head): oh no, ****, ****. This question isn't supposed to come so soon. No no no!
me: nothing seri... important, really
D: why not?
me: I'm too picky
[I then went on about there being no point in going out with someone I didn't like]
me: and I went to an all girls' school
D: that's no excuse!
me: ok, I'm just very picky

Fortunately that was a good enough reason for him.

He asked me if I wanted to go bowling, skating, clubbing with him and his friends. Of course I said yes yes yes. (Although I remembered that I can't go bowling 'cause I promised to go to some concert with Ellen next Friday). April could benefit from everyone going out together.

And he apparently took salsa lessons and got to the Intermediate level so he said he'll take me to a Spanish club which would be just so totally cool since my friends are not interested. He said the company where he took the lessons, asked him to join them. He must be good.

So maybe he's not really my type but he sure would be fun to hang out with.

After we hung around in the city for a short while, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. At first, I thought, is this guy safe to go with and decided he was. He took me to his favourite place. It was a park near the ocean and was really beautiful. We walked around on the uneven rocks and watched fishermen and families enjoying the beautiful weather. We spent most of our time there. We talked about things that you would usually talk with close friends but he was very open so it was easy to discuss things like relationships, friends, families and just life.

He gave a me a lift back to the station which was nice, although when I offered for him to drop me off at a more convenient place for him, he said he was dropping me off at the next traffic light. So he could definitely make me smile. Maybe he could make me laugh later. I made him laugh a few times which was very satisfying. One of them was when I did my impression of the only Stars Wars moment I knew "I am your father". I didn't even expect it to come out as it did.
When he said he'll call me, I got worried 'cause that line is like a death sentence. But we'll see. Maybe for once, something can work out for me.

Ooooh ahhhh

Ooooh ahhhh,
I lost my bra.
I left it in my boyfriend's car.

Gotta love such original lyrics! Such rhyme!

Job Contract

I talked to my manager today about the length of my contract and he said I have this job for at least another month. I said the longer the better and he seemed glad.

I'm actually glad there's an end on the horizon because I don't want to stay at this job forever. Just want more experience.

Maybe I can think about film school afterwards...

Not Caring

Oh my God. When I saw the pop-up message saying I had 2 new emails, for some reason, I thought, "One's from Max" and I haven't been thinking that every time I got new email. And guess what? It was. How weird.

Not really, I guess, since he did say he was coming back (from wherever he was) at the end of April.

The email was so typically his style:

Hi
thought I'd say hi
;)

I'll probably reply just for the sake of it. Not going to go crazy over him or anything. I have David for that right now. And he can't even speak English as well as Max. But at least he has some ambition and obviously isn't afraid of hard work. Or even asking me to meet him. Max still hasn't asked and he had 5 years to do that.

I wonder how David's going to pass his exams with such bad English... I hope he doesn't fail because he's meeting me and won't be able to study during that time. Although he did say he had the whole long weekend to prepare.

At least, I have something interesting to look forward to this weekend. Must get in that set of mind where I don't care about impressing him because that's when I'm at my best.

I'm So Brave

I did it.

We're meeting this weekend.

He seemed surprised to hear from me, but surprised in a good way because when I asked if he wanted to meet in a few weeks, after his exams were over, he quickly said that this weekend was fine.

He said he's been studying a lot. I see that as a sign that's he's not some creepy drug addict. So that's always something positive to think about.

Have a feeling it's going to be awkward. But must stop thinking like that because the only thing that's going to make it awkward for me is what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling at that time.

A sure confidence boost would be to talk to my friends beforehand. That's definitely going to be possible because I'll be seeing Amelia on Friday and she always makes me feel good. And I'm going out with my uni friends that night as well. So I should be nice and relaxed by Saturday morning.