Disappointment

I’m so disappointed that I didn’t see the guy from the bus stop again (who from now on I will call the bus guy). I knew I wouldn’t see him but I still hoped that I might’ve. I’m more upset about it than I should be.

I have to remind myself that I don’t really know him. For all I know he could be (in April’s words) “a complete jerk, who smokes, drinks and deals drugs in his spare time (when he’s not telling everyone how much he hates kids)”. God, I really hope so. Then at least I’m being saved future pain.

Fear Of Public Speaking Evaporated

I think my new diet (yes, my old one had to be changed since it didn’t work) is changing my chemical composition (if that’s possible). Since I can’t have wheat or dairy now, I’ve been eating buckwheat pancakes (which are disgusting). It’s amazing what I will eat when I’m hungry.

Anyway, I think all this buckwheat is making me really calm. Like, take today for example. I had to make a presentation and I didn’t experience even a tiny bit of anxiety like I usually do. I was standing there thinking, “30 people are staring me, why do I not care? Why isn’t my face going red? Why aren’t my palms sweaty? Why is my breathing normal? …Why am I trying to make myself nervous? Haha, it’s not working”. It was such a new feeling. And a very nice one too. I hope it stays.

Compliments

Another pretty cool thing happened yesterday before the whole guy thing. For my class, we had to go to the Sports Centre to draw people playing sports. When we got there, my class-friend (a person who I talk to a lot during that class) and I decided to draw some guys playing indoor soccer.

I said to her, "They'll think we're so weird staring at them! They'll be really uncomfortable." And she said, "No, you're pretty, they'll be flattered."

That was such a sweet thing to say! I don't consider myself pretty so it's so nice to hear that someone else does. Especially a girl 'cause she wouldn't have any wrong intentions behind it. Although I would love it if a guy would say I'm pretty. But then I might not believe him.

The last time I remember someone saying that I was pretty was in year 7 when one girl said to me, "You're pretty. You're smart. And you're nice. You're like a perfect person." I still remember that. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I think I cling to compliments so much because I'm insecure or something. Although I only cling to the ones that I feel are genuine. When Nadine used to say I was pretty, I didn't take her seriously 'cause I thought she was just saying that.

I read somewhere that you should tell a pretty girl that she's smart and to a smart girl that she's pretty. I thought that idea was very interesting.

The Perfect Stranger Who I Will Never See Again

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! I met a guy at the bus stop, had a conversation with him, caught the bus to the station with him, found out that he lives two stations away from mine, waited 25 minutes with him for our train (and at the same time finding out his age, what he was studying etc), got on the same train and… Amy was on it and took me away to another carriage never to see the guy again. Why, why, why??? I thought I was going to explode. How could she ruin something that I could only dream about?

The guy was so my type, did a very similar course to me, 25 year old, friendly, funny, sweet and lives so close too!!! It was so easy to talk to him and he was a complete stranger! I felt like I already knew him. Why do I have a feeling that I will never see him again?

During our conversation he did mention a ‘she’ but since I didn’t hear who he was referring too, I have no idea if it was his girlfriend, wife or what. I asked him to repeat what he said but he just repeated the last bit, rather than who he was talking about. I didn’t ask again.

I must calm down. I must. Why don’t things ever go as I want them to go? It’s as if him living close to me is enough for a nice surprise. But it’s not. It’s never enough until it has the wanted consequences.

Favourite Song Contest

Eurovision is coming up! Yay! That's my favourite song contest ever. Way better than all the Idol shows and Popstars. Even though last year's was disappointing. I don't know why I love it so much. It always makes me feel nostalgic and reminds me that I'm a European at heart. Even my Dad watches it, even though he doesn't watch anything else except news.

I watched the Junior Eurovision (kids' version) on the weekend and it made me think of when I was little and used to perform in musicals and piano concerts. Those were the fun times!

The 'About' Section

Look everyone! I finally made an 'About' section (well, it's more of a paragraph but still). I don't really like it 'cause I don't think it communicates what type of person I am. This summary could probably fit thousands of people.

I'm open to suggestions about how I should improve that paragraph. Do you think there's a word or phrase that would communicate to new visitors who they're reading about?

Coincidence?

A very strange thing happened last week that I forgot to write about.

April sent me a part of a script for our TV show (yes, we're still writing it, yet another version) and she had a character called Max who worked in exactly the same suburb that Max (the real one) lived in. How freaky is that? For a moment I thought she knew about him.

Sometimes I want to tell her about him but I never do. Probably because I don't see the point if he's not a part of my life anymore. That part of my past should stay in the past.

It was just weird seeing her write about an imaginary character like him. I get too paranoid about anything to do with him.

Comments

I love it when I get comments to my entries because it shows that people are interested in my blog. Yet, I very rarely post anything on my favourite blogs. And I feel bad about it because I don't want people to think that their blogs are boring when they're not. So if you (like I) think that no one is commenting because your blog doesn't interest anyone, let me assure you that it's not true. Sometimes I just like to be passively absorbed in someone's life.

Rant: Cold Weather

I love cold weather. Everything is clearer. Warmth feels nicer when it's cold. There are no mood expectations. It feels like I have more freedom. Everything seems more mysterious and intriguing. Emotions are more acute and numb at the same time. There's a nice sense of placidness and excitement.

I love cold weather.

Michael Buble

Does Michael Buble have a sexy voice or does he have a sexy voice?

I think I'm in love...

And I love pronouncing his name. It sounds French and cool no matter how you say it.

Re: My Diet

I finished my diet and went to the dietician who said that since it didn't work I'd have to go on another diet that has a 5% chance that it'll show what I'm intolerant too. This diet is a combination of the previous one and minus all wheat and dairy.

This is all just wonderful. I might as well starve and get a much worse disease than an itchy rash. But I'll be doing it starting next Monday for 2 weeks. I'm just happy that I can have a break before starting it. I'll need to fuel up on energy.

Best Friends

I finally saw my school friends this week. It was a while and I was starting to miss them. It takes extra effort to meet up this year ‘cause the ones that go to my uni don’t have the same breaks and the other two (April and Christine) are even harder to find the same free time.

I saw Amelia and Claudia yesterday because even though they finish uni a few hours before my lunch break, they stayed just to see me. Made me feel special. What made me feel even more special was the (late) birthday present that Amelia gave me. She gave me a bracelet-watch that she made herself. It was absolutely beautiful and she said she ordered some parts of it from overseas. I can’t believe she went to so much effort! I wanted a nice watch to wear to clubs and other dressy places for ages. The bracelet of the watch was made out of silver flower beads and aquamarines (my birth stone). So I’ll be having a unique watch that no one in the world has. How cool is that?! That present was so touching, I wanted to give Amelia a present just to say thank you. She and Claudia said they’ll be having Friday lunch breaks with me from now on. I’m so happy about that because I never get to see them anymore.

Today, Claudia, Christine, April and I went to a jewellery making ‘party’ at April’s friend of a friend house. It was a very girly get-together. But fun, nonetheless. I made nice earrings and an ok (due to lack of resources) necklace. After that, Claud, Christine, April and I went to a Mexican place for dinner which was really nice. It’s great to be able to have normal food again (until Monday, at least). They gave me a late (part of a) present. It was a travel diary for my upcoming trip to America. I remember telling April that I wanted one but not just any. I wanted a nice one that wasn’t too big but with enough room to write and different sections for things like addresses etc. I was looking for one before and couldn’t find one that I liked but they got me one that has everything I wanted. It’s perfect!

We were having a conversation (the same one that we had last year) about how we should meet up every month no matter what. We already decided on a date for our next meeting. I wonder if it will work this time. I guess we end up meeting anyway but sometimes we can go for more than a month without seeing each other.

It doesn’t really feel like that long though, especially with April because I talk with her almost every day either through MSN or phone. I also talk to the others but not as often. So I feel like I know what’s going on with all of them even if I don’t physically see them.

I have to say that I’m a bit surprised that I stay in such close contact with all of them after school ended. I wasn’t even such good friends with Claudia and Christine at school.

When I reflect on all this, it makes me feel so happy to have friends who make me feel so significant and accept me as I am and are there for me if I need them. I don’t think I can ever take them for granted. Sometimes they feel like my extended family because even though I get mad and upset at them sometimes, I still love them.

The Naked Guy

On ANZAC day, while everyone was enjoying their long weekend, I had to go to uni. Our teacher decided that since we usually have class on Mondays, we'd have to make up for the missed one which we could either do at the end of the semester, cutting into our holidays or we could just have it on Monday. I was very annoyed with this arrangement because it's not like people who don't go to work on a public holiday have to make up for it on another weekend. If that was true, there'd be no point in having public holidays.

In class we were supposed to draw a nude male model. I thought we were going to start drawing when the teacher told the guy that we were going to begin and he took his clothes off. Never having been in these sort of situations, I didn't know if it was rude to look at him before we started drawing so I decided to focus on the pretty picture on the wall.

Instead of getting to it, the teacher decided that it was a good time for introductions and asked the guy to tell us a bit about himself, while he was naked! As soon as I took my focus off the pretty picture on the wall, my face started to contort into a giggle because it was so wierd to have to take the naked guy seriously. He had no clothes on and was freely contributing to an intellectual conversation about the history of drawing nudes. That was too odd.

I never thought that seeing a nude model would make me laugh. I blame the girl next to me who at the beginning of class put the idea of giggling into my head ("I hope I won't giggle," she said).

I didn't want to be seen as the immature girl who couldn't distinguish between a 'nude model' and a naked guy. This was art, not some joke.

I tried thinking of a grey fabric (something I used to envision when my eyes watered). However, this time, this image failed me. I was looking more immature by the second, trying to force my face into a serious and sophisticated expression.

Drastic measures had to be taken. I had to think of something very depressing to save my reputation and keep my pride. Now, what could really depress me? Oh! How could I even give that question any thought? I imagined the grim reality of never getting married. Any smile was immediately wiped off my face. Although I did start to see the ridiculousness of thinking about never getting married while the naked guy was talking about new laws that prevented people from taking photos on the beach.

When we finally got to the drawing part, things started to get better, apart from me being confused whether it was rude to look at his penis. I decided to avoid that part and focus on the muscles in his shoulders and back which I thought were the safest to draw.

While I was drawing, I heard the teacher ask the girl next to me why she was avoiding drawing the naked guy's penis. Straight away I realised I was doing the same so I quickly added that anatomy part to my drawings. I didn't want her to think of me as a prude and childish (as I was proving myself to be). The teacher walked past my drawings without commenting which was a relief. However, she did comment on the works of the girl to the left of me. Unlike the girl on the right and myself, she only drew the naked guy's genitals. Every drawing was of the naked guy's penis from a different angle. So I wasn't the only one with 'issues'.

At the end, our teacher offerred to photocopy all of our works and give it to the naked guy "for reference". The naked guy politely declined.

Train Tale #2

I don't know what it is about long train journeys but that's always the time when my imagination goes into an overactive mode.

I was going home and as soon as I sat down, a guy sitting diagonnally in front of me caught my eye. Well, actually it was his textbook. Then his backpack. And only after that, I looked at him. 'Hmm, cute guy,' I thought. 'Hmm, a cute guy reading a textbook.' A cute guy reading a textbook on the train. Now, that I could relate to.

Cute guy has cool jeans. Hmm, smart and has good taste (which really just means: has my taste, but that's beside the point). Cute guy has a hairstyle that the Fab Five from Queer Eye would recommend. Cute guy is gay? No, I refuse to think that. Cute guy watches Queer Eye, and takes notes?! No, I refuse to believe that also.

The cute guy takes his eyes off his textbook and looks at my direction.

The cute guy takes his eyes off his textbook and looks at the window on my side of the train. Then looks back at his textbook.

I brush the hair out of my face. The cute guy brushes his hair off his face. Coincidence? I think not!

I look at my watch. He looks at his. This is fate. We're meant to be together.

The cute guy almost turns his head to look at me.

The cute guy turns to look at me and our eyes meet. "Were you staring at me?" asks the cute guy. "No!" I reply defensively. The cute guy looks embarrassed at making such an uncalled for accusation. "I'm sorry. That was stupid of me." The cute guy is about to turn away when I say, "No, that's ok. I was looking out of the window on your side so it's understandable that you thought I was looking at you." The cute guy smiles his very cute smile and turns back to his precious textbook.

This is not fair, I think, in a movie or TV show, the cute guy and I would be a couple in the very near future and this would be the perfect meeting. So coincidental and so arranged at the same time.

While I ponder on the reality of the situation (i.e. he's a complete stranger), the train comes towards my station and I get up. The cute guy gets up at exactly the same time and we accidentally bump into each other. Our eyes meet again and we both know that this is meant to be. We live happily ever after.

The cute guy gets up (a few stations before mine) and that's when I see them. His mauve striped briefs are sticking out of his jeans. That's one thing I really didn't need to see. I'm sorry but I cannot have a relationship with a guy who wears his jeans below the waist. Way below.

Let's just say I'm glad our perfect meeting happened in my head.

On The Road To America

Yesterday I made my very first deposit for my trip to America. It was very exciting 'cause it made the trip even more real. Since I was so prepared and the travel agent realised that, she gave us a very nice discount which was greatly appreciated.

I'm so excited!!! I absolutely can't wait!!!

A Memorable Day

I went to see Maroon 5 this week which was a very memorable experience (for not only the right reasons). It was quite thought provoking. It made me wonder if:

1. There is there a law that every rock band has to say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck’ at least 4 times during their every performance.
2. If the guitarist of the supporting band will remember this concert by the girl in the front who almost fainted right in front of his eyes (i.e. me).
3. If everyone standing around me will remember the concert by me almost fainting.
4. If everyone not around me will remember the concert by how the guitarist got distracted halfway through a song to inquire if I was ok.
5. If I will actually remember the concert as something other than the time I nearly fainted (i.e. I didn’t actually fall to the floor ‘cause I was caught by the girl behind me) and attracted so much attention from strangers, including band players.

The funny thing was that I didn’t even feel that embarrassed at the time, probably ‘cause I wasn’t conscious. It was afterwards that it hit me what a spectacle I made out of myself. After I got to the bathroom and washed my face and felt completely fine, strange people were coming up to me and asking if I was ok.

I also felt bad that Lauren’s friend who came with me to the bathroom didn’t go back to the front (where we got such good spots) just to be there with me if it happened again (which it didn’t). We ended up standing near the exit doors where we had pretty good views of Maroon 5, standing around the supporting bands’ members who were first blocking our views by making out with their girlfriends, right in front of our faces which really annoyed me. If they didn’t want to watch one of the greatest bands, they didn’t have to prevent us from watching one of the greatest bands.

Afterwards, when I caught the bus home, a girl from one of my classes was there with her boyfriend, also making out. If there’s one thing I hate it’s seeing people making out in public, especially if I know them and have to talk to them later.

So anyway, I got home, went to sleep and the next morning freaked out my parents by telling them about my losing of consciousness the night before. I know (and they know) that it was because of my horrible restrictive diet that I have to be on for another 3 weeks. And the annoying thing is that my allergies are supposed to improve after the 2nd week but they still haven’t which might mean that they are not from natural food chemicals but from something else.

The Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous

I watched "Newlyweds" yesterday and I couldn't believe that Jessica got Nick a $55000 watch!!! Well, actually I can believe that she got it.

But seriously, even if I was the richest person on Earth, I still wouldn't want a $55000 piece of jewellery. For heaven's sake, you can buy a car with that, and a good one too!

And who would get table top dancers for your husband's birthday party?! That's just ridiculous. It really is. And she popped out of the cake dressed as a stripper in front of all those people, including her family. I was talking to my brother about this and he said, "Did you see her Mum?! She probably said something like 'Come on Jess, you should dress up really slutty, it'd be fun!'"

But it's all those elements of sillyness and impracticality in the lifestyles of the rich and famous that makes the show so irresistible to watch.

Personal Blogs

I was just reflecting on what a wonderful creation blogging is. There is no other way that allows you to enter so many personal worlds and experience things that would never happen in your life. It's also amazing to see how other people think and reason in places all over the world. And to make it even better, all these different people can comminicate with each other when in real life it would've been impossible.

How often would you have an interesting conversation on the same level with someone decades older or younger than you? And how often would you be able to comment on a stranger's personal life?

Some people say that the internet has made people more isolated and less social (which on one hand may have some truth) but it has also brought so many people closer together and allowed them to connect with people from a much wider community.

Frustrations

Easter doesn't mean anything to me, especially that I can't eat any chocolate. Yesterday we had relatives over and Mum got all this yummy stuff plus the guests brought other yummy stuff so I couldn't even have dinner with them. Just sat in front of the computer talking to April.

I'm so sick of my diet, especially that it doesn't seem to be working. The doctor said that after 2 weeks I should see improvement. Well, it's 2 weeks today and my allergy is not getting better. Argh, so frustrating.

I'm getting nervous about my trip with Lauren to America at the end of the year. I've finished planning all accommodation and everything which she didn't really help (which I don't really mind since she said she's ok with anything that I decide). It's time to go to the travel agent and she's been avoiding my messages and email. Hmm... she better not have changed her mind cos that would REALLY piss me off. I wonder what's going on.

And please I don't want any comments about how I should put my problems in perspective. I'm allowed to be in a frustrated mood. Remember it's the little things that make life.

Just another thing. The worst thing you could say to someone who's in a bad mood is to smile and cheer up. That kind of higher moral ground (that some people like to put themselves on, mostly for insecurity reasons) just sounds condescending. And usually no one likes fake smiles. Or maybe that's just me.

Favourite Casual Job

I love market research!

Not the type that calls your home and wastes your time but the type that you get paid for. And quite well too! Yesterday was the second time I went and I have to say that it's my favourite casual job ever! Instead of trying to impress you interviewer, they actually want to listen to YOUR thoughts. And pay for it too! Too bad it's not on everyday.

It's weird to think how many different casuals jobs I've had over the last few years. I guess I've tried every casual job that I wanted to try, and some that I didn't. The only casual job left that I want to do is being an extra. Oh yeah, and one where I meet my boyfriend.

What were some of the most interesting casual jobs that you've had?