Late Night Chatter

It's half past midnight and I don't want to sleep.

This is amazing as I usually start to get sleepy around 10pm and fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.

Don't know what's so different about today.

My parents had a party so I went to David's house. We had a bit of an argument. I think he wishes I was more of an activist and cared about the state of the world, people and environment. And not only cared but tried to do something to improve it.

I had to explain to him that's just not in my personality. I'm too selfish. I only care about people I love and not strangers on the other side of the world. I don't believe I can make a change so I'm not motivated to do anything. I know I can make people around me happier so that's something I try to do. I doubt sending money to some child in poverty is going to make any difference. I don't trust charities and don't believe the money goes where it's supposed to.

He got quite upset and said that ignoring the 'problem' was being part of the 'problem'. I told him I didn't see any 'problem' and was quite happy and satisfied with things the way they were. He got agitated and said, "Are you happy that people are getting killed and we're wrecking the environment?!" I replied, "I don't see how I caused people to be killed" and he said, "You support governments who do that". That really angered me for obvious reasons. And then, he had the nerve to accuse me of 'accepting things the way they are and not questioning anything'. I mean, honestly! This coming from a guy who believes in God.

Anyway, same old argument again. Got resolved in the same old way. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

I noticed that David and I are in a new phase of our relationship. We no longer have the intense urge to talk to each other every second we're together. We're quite happy doing our own thing, as long as we're in the same vacinity.

For example, on Thursday night when David was here, I was chatting to April online while he was watching the news.

I guess this could be attributed to the fact that we've been seeing each other almost every day and don't feel like we have to make the most of every minute.

To be honest, before I used to be scared that we'd be the sort of couple who doesn't talk all the time they're together and who doesn't desperately need to spend every second with each other. I thought that meant that we don't find each other as fascinating as we once did and that the 'spark' was gone. But now I realise that I love what we have now. We've reached that sort of comfort level with each other where we don't need to speak all the time, we're happy to be silent, as long as the other one is near by.

We now accept each other a lot more. We know each other a lot better so there's no need to talk about ourselves as much. Before we used to talk non-stop about what our lives were like before we met. Now we know all that. We know when the other is upset or why without saying a word. I feel unconditionally loved so don't care about feeling grumpy or irritable in front of him. I know he won't leave me over it.

He puts up with me even when I'm not in the easiest mood. During those times he calls me his 'grumpy ant'. I asked him, "Why ant?" and he said, "'Cause you're small and a hard worker". I told him I didn't know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment.

He learnt how to say 'darling' in POBian and continually practices it. It's adorable. I asked him how to say 'darling' in Spanish and he said "Papi chulo". So I called him that for a while, every time 'causing him to burst into laughter. I said, "Is it my accent?" and he replied, "Yes, baby, it's the accent. You say it so cute".

Then I decided to look it up because I had my suspicions about what it meant. Google it and you'll see what I mean. That cheeky boy. Even though now I know it doesn't mean 'darling', I say it anyway just to make him laugh. It never fails.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow... I miss him like crazy already.

He really wanted me to stay over but I felt uncomfortable doing that 'cause that meant he had to sleep in his sister's room.

Can't wait till our weekend away (in 2 weeks)!

Went to the dance class today and there were only two other girls there so some other instructors joined in. I started feeling really uncomfortable because not only were they excellent dancers but they also looked hot. All fit and toned and tanned. Even though I'm pretty average, I felt huge and jiggly.

I told David about it later and he said, "Man, they're plain! They've got nothing to show. You're beautiful. Flat skinny girls are ugly. I hate that look. You're perfect. I love the way you look." Although that was kinda offensive to flat skinny girls, it made me feel better 'cause as you can probably tell, I'm not very secure with how I look. And I'm not built to be skinny. Although I could definitely tone up.

I came up with a resolution for next year on my way back to the train station. I need to smile more. All the dancers were beaming the whole time while my face was neutral. I don't think smiling comes naturally to me. I feel fake always smiling. I wish I was a smiley person, you know the type. They always got a smile glued to their face, making them appear very inviting and friendly and warm.

People probably think I'm not happy 'cause I don't smile for no reason.

Well, now I'm getting sleepy. Good night!