My Street

Driving to work every day made me forget how much pleasure I get from walking down my street.

You might remember, several weeks ago a very bad person damaged my car and drove off. Today I took it to smash repair which meant I had to catch the train home.

As I was walking to my house, I felt filled up with happiness. The small neat houses lining the street, trees lit up by the honey glow of the sun setting, flowers bursting with aromatic fragrances, the quiet tranquility, it felt like I was in some garden paradise.

It also brought back so many memories. Seeing the small group of teenage boys on skateboards year after year, like they never grew up. Their laid back after-school attitude and their messy hair was one of the many reasons I was happy about moving to this suburb when I was 13. I thought I would be friends with them. I thought I would be 'one of the guys' like I used to be in POB. That typically never happened.

I remember walking down this street with Nadine, in search of adventure. We didn't know what we were looking for, but we still looked. The atmosphere of my tucked away suburb seemed full of exciting possibilities.

Meeting April at the station and walking home together, laughing as always.

I also remember walking home after uni during the beginning of spring. My loneliness and contentness ran parallel as the narrow path curved under my feet. No matter how sad I felt, it was impossible not to let in the warmth of the street.

When I started working and coming home late, the smell of dinner cooking from each house just overtook my senses. It was almost like visiting all those houses during their evening meal. Sometimes I could hear talking, laughing, arguing; sometimes music and people chatting on the porch.

My Mum and I sometimes walked at night for some exercise. Before that, I walked with grandma when she visited from POB.

Now, I remember David walking down this street with me. We walked for the sake of walking. We'd chat about nothing. Or we'd chat about something. He'd grab my hand or put his arm around me...

Today I walked home and once again felt that invisible yet magnetic power, a spell, that mystically enveloped me by the magnificent magician - my street.

Dancing, Reading and Accepting

Amelia is becoming my dance buddy. Our dance course is almost finished and we'll be going to a dance workshop next.

Today the teacher was checking that everyone could do specific moves. I was fine until we had to do the 'vertical figure eight'. She looked at me and said, "Not quite there," and tried to show me again. After a few tries, she told me that she will take me aside later. Once she moved on to the next person, Amelia did the Bring it On scene, "These are not spirit fingers! THESE are spirit fingers!" which just cracked me up.

Anyway, one of those moments that you had to be there.

Went to a library near my work today and started reading Watch Your Mouth by Daniel Handler. He has this technique of talking directly to the reader which I love. And it was a little graphic but not in a gross or cheesy way. If only the front cover wasn't so obvious, I would've borrowed it.

On a totally different note, April found out Blog Guy smoked. First thing she said, "Why does this always happen to me?!" I guess you have to learn that nothing in life is perfect so there will always be something. Apparently this guy quit a month ago but she's already like, "But how can I believe that he won't start again? If we ever start going out and he knows how much I hate it, he'll do it behind my back and I'll never trust him!"

You can see why we get on. She's also the Queen of Getting Carried Away.

Anyway, she said she accepted it and was glad I didn't tell her. (He told her himself.) Now she's just going crazy because she doesn't know how he feels. This guy is pretty horrible in the way that he keeps flirting and getting her hopes up. How's a girl supposed to tell if a guy likes her or likes to flirt.

That made me realise that David and I never really flirted before going out. I feel like I missed out on something. Guess we'll have to make up for lost time.

Speaking of David, he totally stuffed up his job interview today. I really wanted him to get it because he said that if he did he'd study part-time. That of course would mean that we could move our plans forward and I wouldn't have to wait another year. And it would be a great thing for him because I know he feels too old to be still studying.

Oh well, I wouldn't have expected him to do it well with only several hours of sleep. I don't see why he has to keep working ridiculous hours with his busy uni timetable. I'm sure he'd be able to find something better. I don't know how to make him see that everyone needs sleep, including him.

I miss him.

He calls me at work now which is nice but hard to talk properly with everyone listening.

Just wish he was here with me. I don't get why I have to miss him so much all the time.

Love is crazy. It seriously drives me nuts. I can be really annoyed at him and desperately want to be with him in the same moment. When he's with me, I can't get enough. When he's not, there's nothing else on my mind. Everything reminds me of him. I can combine him into any conversation. I can't sleep if we didn't come to an agreement on something.

We made a deal that we can never go to sleep upset with each other. David broke this on Sunday. He told me he was fine when he wasn't. Next day he called to say he couldn't sleep all night because he kept thinking about it.

My mind also keeps playing a 'moment' we had a few weeks ago. It was really raw and touching. Made me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope if anything happened to him. If I can't have him, I don't want anybody else.

At work, when Eve talks to her husband on the phone, her voice is always different. Unlike her usual friendly work tone, with him she is abrupt and annoyed, like she doesn't have to be nice to him. I hope I never become like that. Why do people treat the ones they love worse than those they don't? I understand they don't have to impress their loved ones but what difference should that make?

When David was telling me how he stuffed up the interview, I got annoyed and was about to sound snappish and irritated. I stopped myself. If a work colleague was telling me this, I'd be encouraging and compassionate. So I told David not to worry and that things happen. And you know what he said? He said, "Thanks, baby, for calling to see how the interview went". I mean, of course I'd call! But he still thanked me to show he appreciated it. If I told him off, I doubt he would've said it.

Treating people you love with the same tolerance that you treat people you want to impress, achieves so much more. It always feels better being loved by the person you love than being liked by people we don't really care about.

Ok, so once again, I have ranted about several different topics. I just missed blogging after not being able to connect to it for a week. I might talk about blog dependency another time.

Who Could Play You in a Film?

What do the following people have in common?




According to My Hertiage, I look like them.

When I put David's photo in, he actually had celebrities who really did look like him. Here are the ones with the most similarities.



Never expected Joey from Friends but now I can see the similarities.

April apparently looks like Amelie:



That website is very addictive.

Her Tiny Life

There wasn't much to do at work so Amelia and I emailed each other.

me: I'm so bored at work that it was really nice to receive your email so I have something to do (i.e. reply to it).
Amelia: I'm bored and feeling guilty and on the internet too. it's a match made in heaven.

It sure was. Don't know why but I was feeling sleepy too. And hungry. I've been snacking on things that don't have gluten or sugar but they're not filling at all. I just eat and eat them and still feel hungry. Even though they don't seem to contain many nutrients, they are making me gain weight since I keep eating. And they don't even taste nice. What a waste.

Saw Amelie look-alike at the shopping centre again. Don't know why but I'm so fascinated with that girl. I even had the urge to go up to her and chat. I couldn't stop thinking about her. What was she like? She was chatting on her mobile when I walked by. Kept wondering who she was talking to. Started to imagine what her life was like. (Don't worry, I'm starting to creep myself out too.) She's probably just some ordinary girl working in retail. Who knows, she might even own that stand. A young businesswoman... hmm...

Don't know why but I kept imagining her coming home to her tiny but cosy flat and feeding her cat. Then she'd plop on the old couch and watch TV blankly for an hour. She'd glance at her watch and realise that it would be time to make dinner. She'd go to her tiny cramped kitchen, take something out of the freezer and heat it up in the microwave. Then she'd sit at her small round table and eat quietly. After dinner, her boyfriend would come over. I can imagine her opening the door for him. He'd be tall and scruffy looking. When he'd come in, they wouldn't talk much. They probably wouldn't have much in common. He'd touch her hair and then they would have sex on that small couch. They might fall on the floor. He'd take off her glasses. She'd find it hard to see but wouldn't care. Her life would feel like a big blur to her even with her glasses on. Then he'd leave, tell her he'll call. She'd nod. Then she would go to bed and cry softly.

Don't know why I imagine her to have a lonely life.

Eclectic Mix

Had such a great time today! April, Claudia, Amelia and I went to Yum Cha. We were laughing so hard, my stomach hurt. We got talking about the reunion and found out that some people in our grade are now married. I knew about several of these but one person really surprised me. I really didn't see her marrying young. Oh well.

April said to me, "You see getting married at our age as impressive but I just see it as strange". Amelia was like, "I still want to do so much stuff before I have to call someone 'dear' and ask them what they want. I want to travel and perve on Samoan guys." April replied, "I'm not ready for marriage yet" and Amelia said, "I'm ready for a sham marriage but that's it".

Later we somehow got talking about guys and Amelia said how she went to a friend's party and Claudia asked, "Was that when that guy was touching you?" and Amelia was like, "What the?! I was touching him! He had a tattoo on his back which he showed me". April and I were like, "Okaaaaaaaay..." and out of nowhere Claudia takes out her phone and says, "I got a photo". She showed us some guy stretching out his arm to Amelia who was looking really blank. Who would've thought, Claudia the paparazzi.

Later, April and I were discussing what sort of guy Amelia would go out with. A nerdy computer nerd, a tattooed guy on a motorbike or a really down-to-earth one to balance her wildness and melodrama.

Got a message from April at almost midnight yesterday that the Blog Guy asked her out (as friends probably but still).

When I saw her, she told me of the conversation they had online yesterday and he told her she was pretty and asked for her number. I was like, "This guy definitely likes you," and she said, "Unless he's the type of person who calls his friends 'pretty'".

Why the hell would a guy call you pretty if he wasn't interested in being more than friends? Wouldn't he be worried for the girl to get the wrong idea then? To me, that was proof that he was attracted to her and things were definitely progressing. April thinks I'm more excited about this than her (and let me tell you she's going crazy over this because it never happened before).

I guess I'm just excited that finally she's going to have what she always wanted and she'll be completely happy. And we can gossip about relationships.

Can't wait to meet him. We fantasised how all our boyfriends would be together. We'd have her genius intellectual one feeling superior which would clash with Evan who also thinks he's above everything. Then there'd be Mike giggling quietly and being the sensitive girly guy that he is while David would be trying to act really manly and cool. And if Amelia gets one, she'd be drinking with him and not paying attention to anyone else. Can't wait. Really hope that if April starts going out with Blog Guy, Amelia can find someone so we'd have a perfect 10 in our group with no one feeling like the odd one out. Although it doesn't seem like Amelia is too interested in a relationship.

All I can say that this time next year, things will be very different.

Who Knew

On Thursday I criticised David for something very careless that he did. That lead me to thinking I couldn't rely on him. How could I have a future with someone I couldn't trust to give responsibility to? He said that I was right and he didn't want me to have the pressure of doing everything. He asked if I needed time to think things over. I said, "What if we can't solve this?" And he said, "Whatever happens, happens". And that was the point when I realised that I didn't want to be someone who just 'happened' to him and if things didn't work out, well then, whatever. He'd be fine anyway. I wanted to be more than that. I wanted him to not be able to imagine his life without me. Because that was how I felt about him.

I asked him if he really felt that way and he said, "If we're being honest here, I do". Trying not to choke up on the tears, I told him, "I think you are the one who needs to think things over. I'm sure you don't really want to be with someone you don't care about losing". And we both hung up.

I couldn't remember the last time I actually sobbed before going to sleep.

All day on Friday tears were about to spill out - in the car, at home. Just listening to Who Knew by Pink made me cry. Work was an excellent distraction and I didn't want to go home. I couldn't stop imagining him thinking about us and how he'd realise that he could be happy without me and find someone more suited to him. No wonder I was on the verge of tears. I wondered if he'd tell me this conclusion over the phone or if he would come to my house.

I wanted him to email me something or call me to take me out of this pain. I wanted to do it myself but had to stop because I wanted to give him space. Isn't there a saying, "Let them go, and if it's meant to be, they'll come back"?

I imagined what my life would be like without him. I knew I wouldn't ever meet anyone else even close to him. I'd be alone for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't care because I wouldn't want anyone else. I thought it'd be weird if April got a boyfriend while I broke up with mine. Talk about irony.

I thought of all the things that would remind me of him. I wouldn't even be able to peel oranges without seeing him do it in one long strand, while looking at me in his kitchen and then cutting it for me. I wouldn't be able to wear the bracelet that he gave me even though it's my favourite (and not because it was a present from him but because it looks great with everything). All my weekends would be free. I'd go back to my monotonous and boring life. I'd start meeting up with my uni friends again just because I'd have nothing better to do.

At around 4:45pm, he called me. He said he had enough of thinking and he missed me and didn't want to lose me. He wanted to see me.

He came to my house later on and said that I was the only person for him and he didn't really mean what he said. He couldn't be without me. He couldn't be happy without me. He said it was very difficult to find someone like me and that he was very lucky. He also promised that he would be more careful and that he would make sure I could rely on him so I wouldn't feel pressured to do everything myself.

So the break-up never happened.

I told him I haven't felt so upset since before I met him. He asked, "Who made you upset then?" I told him no one did, I just thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. He said, "You will never be alone because you will always have me".

After that we lazed around watching Along Came Polly.

We were talking and somehow got on the topic of weddings and he said, "I'd ask your Dad for his permission first". I was so happy he told me because I had the chance to tell him not to do that! I wanted to be the first one to know if I was getting married. And I wanted to be the one to tell my parents so I could see their face expressions. He was like, "You might be surprised and find out at the same time". I was like, "Please no!" This is the problem when I already have a vision of how I want it to happen.

He also said, "I wonder who'll be my best man. I wish it was [name of his best friend in South America] but he won't come". Then he said, "You know, I'd choose your brother". I couldn't believe it! That would be just SO perfect!

But anyway, that was just talk. Fun, but early. I guess that's one of the things I love about David. He's not scared to chat about the future for fun. Just like April.

Speaking of April, she wrote me the nicest thing! I was taken aback but really touched. She thanked me for my support in her difficult time of job rejections and boy troubles. I mean, we always support each other so I didn't expect her to actually thank me for it. It's nice to know she doesn't take it for granted. I don't remember thanking her for being a good friend, which she has been. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

Hopefully my naturopath will allow me to eat more food so I can go for lunch with Claudia and April (and maybe Amelia and Christine) tomorrow.

Well, it's almost time for me to go the naturopath who will tell me my fate for the next few months. Wish me luck.

More and More and More

This is what David sent me at work (but obviously not the work email.)

"I love you more and more and more".

Things like that just make my day.

Talked with him for over 3 hours last night on the phone. I guess when we don't see each other every day, there's just so much to say.

I told him of an embarrassing moment at work, and I'll tell you now.

During staff morning tea I was talking to the only girl my age. Everyone was talking around the table and it was quite noisy. This girl asked me if I was married. I said no. Then she asked if I was engaged. I laughed and said no. By this stage conversations started to die down. Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her I did. Then, she asked me, "Do you think you'll marry him?" and every person (about 20 of them) became silent and looked at me. My face went a bright shade of red. I started talking really quickly while everyone listened. I think I said, "Not yet..." followed by an unnecessary explanation of him still being at uni. I tend to go on when I get nervous, as if trying to justify myself.

Another thing I never get around to writing about (and something that I thought was over) is that I have a stalker. I really thought she left me alone but today she emailed me. Why can't this woman leave me alone?? David said she was seriously creepy and I should stay as far away from her as possible.

At first I thought I was just imagining this creepiness but David reaffirmed my feelings. April also agreed. David said he was worried this woman was trying to get me into some cult. Although, I doubt she would be part of a cult, it seriously worried me how persistent she was.

I guess my friendliness at the beginning gave her the completely wrong idea. Both April and David advised me to just cut her off. Not answer her calls or emails. Ignore her completely. Which is what I did. And look, she emailed me again anyway!

Can you guess which woman this is?

I thought she was a friendly interesting person to keep in touch with but now her friendliness is too much because it's bordering on stalking. I mean, what person keeps calling you even if you tell her you're not interested in what she's telling you and never call her yourself. I mean, I barely know her and she calls me more often than my best friend. And why would you keep calling if the other person never calls you? She also seems to think I need my life improved and she knows exactly how.

I told her I was completely happy but very busy and could not help her with her project. So she said, "You should go to [blah blah] and then you can sort your life so that you're not busy".

I mean, what do I have to do to get rid of her? I really don't want to be mean and tell her how I'm sick of her contacting me. You never know how she will react. She'll probably think I have issues that need to be helped. I already told her that I would be very busy indefinitely and if anything changes I'd let her know. Shouldn't that be enough?

Anyway, I will not get agitated over this predicament. Just hope it passes.

Went to visit my grandparents today after work. It was nice to chat to them. It was easy to imagine I was talking to someone not a lot older than me but from a different decade. I see so many old people around and there's no one quite like my grandma. She's almost 84 but her mind is as sharp as a 50-year-old's. First thing she said to me was, "So tell me something juicy," with a sparkle in her eye. I wonder what her secret is to keeping her youth for so long. Is it genes? Optimistic and easy-going outlook on life? Whatever it is I hope I have it too.

Grandpa is also great. Although he does look his age, he's got the best sense of humour. Really sharp and witty. Keeps teasing my grandma constantly. It's funny watching her blow him off. I can so imagine them in their 30s like this. Maybe the key to a long and healthy life is a happy marriage.

They don't really socialise anymore, mostly due the language barrier (they don't really speak English) and because they say they're too tired to travel to see their POBian friends. However, they are always entertaining each other. They talk all the time, cook together, play chess. I hope I can have the same relationship with David. David, by the way, loves my grandparents. He actually said he was jealous that he didn't have ones like that.

So yeah, I had a good time at my grandparents'.

Lips Narrowly Shut

Imagine if you could look into the future.

Imagine you could find out the inner thoughts and personal details of a guy your friend likes.

Just imagine...

Sounds fantastical right? Impossible? Yet so intriguing?

How can I even begin to tell you how I have the power to influence the fate of my closest friend? It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it, for I have never imagined to have so much influence on the future of another person.

I guess I should back up a little.

April found a guy. A guy that she can't find anything wrong with, which let me tell you is a miracle in itself. I didn't think much of it at the beginning. Something always goes wrong when it comes to guys and April. However, from what I hear, things are actually progressing in the right direction.

From what she told me, this guy is very smart, plays musical instruments, into philosophy, has the same sense of humour as her, confident, easy to talk to etc etc. Seriously sounds perfect. They even have personal conversations and border on flirting.

As you can imagine I was excited beyond words. I mean, finally she was going to get a boyfriend and we could joke about relationships rather than about single life.

We were chatting last night and being the person I am, the first thing I did was google his name. And lo and behold, I found a photo of him and also a link to his blog! April refused to read it because she thought it would be too weird if she knew stuff about him from his blog.

I, on the other hand, had no such problem (typically).

As I read, I discovered that this guy bordered on genius. He not only plays music, he composes it. His language is of a talented writer's standard. The way he uses vocabulary to weave his analytical and reflective thoughts is purely amazing. It was like reading poetry. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.

April asked me to tell her if I read anything interesting so at first I quoted some parts that we could laugh at but then I quoted something April didn't like. This guy expects others to share their notes with him before exams. Although that's not such a huge thing to me, April started getting put off. Which got me worried. Imagine if she didn't give him a chance based on what he wrote in his blog. It would be my fault!

Then I read something which made me realise that I should not share one more thing from his blog with April. He talked about a girl he was very intimate with online but acted like acquaintances in real life. This went on for 5 years until one day she decided not to give him her notes right before the exam and how hurt he was that she wasn't a true friend.

This might sound a little silly to you but would April want to know about his relationship with this girl? Then I also read that he drank and smoked with her at some party. Would April want to know that too? He would be a straight no for her.

After going through his archives I learnt that he's a smoker and he even writes about it poetically. He has a whole paragraph on how the cigarette fell on the ground - the aesthetic motion, the spark...

He also cries when listening to some classical music.

These are all things April would judge him on immediately which is why I cannot let her know. I'm risking her being disappointed (especially at the smoking part) but what if she starts to like him so much that she would be able to accept that? Why deny her of that chance at happiness? What if he stops smoking for her? Why interfere with the natural progression of their relationship? Would she hate me for not telling her immediately?

These are some of the questions I have on my mind about this whole situation. I don't want to be the reason April doesn't fall in love and experience a relationship.

The Orange Relief

My Mum thinks I've gone mad. And I would agree with her.

I found a way to distract myself from my painful sugar cravings (you'd think I was withdrawing from drugs from the way I go on). Peeling oranges. Who would've thought such an ordinary activity could have such a calming effect?

The thing is I don't even want to eat the oranges (unless they're sweet). I just want to peel them. I was feeling so on edge because I couldn't have chocolate and didn't want any more fruit that I went around the house asking who wanted an orange, just so I could peel one.

I peeled it perfectly and then made a picture out of the skin.

No, I'm really not going crazy. Much.

I'm becoming like one of those obsessive compulsive people. Only instead of washing my hands 17 and a half times, I peel oranges.

Why isn't it as easy as just stopping eating the food? You'd think, just don't eat it. What's so hard about that? Maybe I just lack any sort of will-power.

Blogging also helps, which might explain why I blogged three times today. I also washed the car, which I very rarely do.

My cravings for David also increased a lot. Maybe to make up for the chocolate. I wish I could've seen him today but he had to study and apply for internships. I wish he'd pick up his phone now. I bet his sister is on the phone and he's not in the same room as his mobile. Argh.

I have also been getting carried away with plans that I shouldn't be making right now. Is it my fault that I wish David was around 24/7? Maybe if he wasn't so freaking lovable, it would be easier to only see him on the weekends. I don't think I can wait another 18 months. I'm sure they'll go quickly when we reach the end, but right now, every hour seems to drag on. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not a patient person (even though people at work seem to think I am). I guess it's easy to be patient for things you don't really want right now. David is a totally different matter.

While I'm at unloading my frustrations, why the hell did my stats go down? Damn, I promised myself I would never point out that I care, but I mean I don't write this blog just so I can read it. I guess readers who liked reading about the loneliness of my single life aren't really interested anymore. And I don't advertise this blog on blogger like I used to. And I don't plan to. Gosh, the paradox of wanting people to read, yet wanting to stay anonymous.

I hope I get over this want to share my personal life with the rest of the world. It's so self-obsessed. Not that I deny that but still. I need to stop thinking I'm such an interesting person, because everyone else thinks the same (I mean, that they're interesting), which means that I'm just like everyone else. Oh, I think I already wrote about that at one point during my three years of blogging. I feel like I'm just repeating the same ideas and not coming up with anything new.

Even my relationship is not offering any new insights. I mean, I know everyone gets that I'm crazy in love with a guy. What else is there to say? Yeah yeah, I know there's plenty but it's all the same, going in circles. I miss David blah blah. He's the best etc.

I think I need to go and peel an orange.

Invitation to the 5-Year Reunion

Has it already been almost 5 years since I left the sheltered cocoon of my high school and headed for the scary yet infinitely exciting world of university? Sometimes hard to believe but other times very natural.

I remember wanting to reinvent myself and shed all the labels I had at school. I was excited at the prospect of creating an image of myself that I wanted to project and not uphold the one I unintentionally let people believe at school.

And it worked. At uni, I became the person I've aways wanted to be. But it was my high school that taught me things that lead me to becoming the person I am today. And most of these life lessons were not in the classroom.

I learnt that sometimes your best is not good enough. However, it is always possible to do just a bit more than your best because you're always more capable than you think you are. Some walls that you can't break through, crumble when you persevere.

In social skills, I learnt that people are creatures of habit and even though they might be taken aback when you do something unexpected (like change which people you sit at lunch with), with time they will be used to it and think it's normal. It is also important to be strong within yourself and believe that you are a good person because sometimes other people won't. The hardest social lesson I learnt was that not everyone will like you, no matter how nice you are. The good thing is that their unexplainable dislike of you is usually due their own insecurities. People who hurt or make fun of others are the most insecure ones.

Another important lesson was that people in authority abuse their power, even if they are given an important job such as a teacher.

I clearly remember when I was in my first year of high school, my year's supervisor asked me to retrieve a basketball that rolled away. I did it, unquestioningly. When I handed it to her, she laughed and said to an older girl, "I knew I could make her do anything". I was so angry that I couldn't stop fantasising about writing an anonymous letter to her about how she ruined my life and make fun of her neck twitch. I wanted to hurt her.

I never wrote that letter because I didn't want to waste time on someone like that.

Going to an all girls school also made me see how much I liked boys. Maybe that's the main reason I'm so obsessed with them today. (Well, a specific one right now.)

Of course I also saw the nature of bitchiness, exclusion and competitiveness but I also took away the most precious lesson of all - true friends will be there for you, even 5 years after you stop seeing them every day in classrooms and breaks.

I used to joke with April that I wouldn't go to our high school reunion unless I was successful and I really didn't think I would be. But I'm happy to report that I will definitely be going, if only because of my nagging curiosity to see what's been happening with everyone else in my grade - marriages, kids, jobs life-changing events?

I can honestly say that I'm really looking forward to seeing all the people that made up the fabric of my life during my teenage years.

More Diet Whinging

You can't even imagine my disappointment when I looked at the ingredients on the lemon muffins mix and another biscuit pack once again and saw something that I didn't see before - "raw sugar".

Fortunately the only other pack of cookies that I bought was still ok for me to have. Only I finished it already and have to wait till tomorrow till I can buy it again (since the shop is near my work).

The good news is that I've already lost weight. That's the only thing in this whole situation that makes me feel good. I mean it's so pathetic that beling slimmer is the only thing that can make me feel better about this diet that was supposed to improve my health.

My Dad (and David) thinks it's rubbish. My Dad has this wonderful theory that you should eat whatever you like because those foods make you feel happy and when you are happy your immune system is better so you are less likely to get sick.

My Mum suggested that I should do this for another week until I see the naturopath and then if she asks me to continue, instead of cutting those foods out completely, just reduce the intake. I think I can live with just eating wheat and chocolate less often than not eating them at all.

Food Fakes and other Stuff

In the deepest of my horrible diet despairs, I saw some light - by the name of Orgran.

They actually make cookies without wheat, sugar or eggs, AND make them taste like cookies. A miracle. Maybe in the future they can make chocolate without cocoa, milk or sugar. I can always dream, right?

I also bought some lemon and poppyseed muffin mix. That doesn't even sound like healthy diet food! All I have to do is add water and put the mixture in the oven.

Of course the downside of these miracle food manipulations which make food out of nothing, is that not only is there no gluten, sugar etc, there's also no nutrition. This stuff doesn't give you energy or make you less hungry. All it does is satisfy cravings for the things you can't have. (Which should definitely not be underestimated, by any means.)

After work, I went to the library to distract myself and got a nice book which I will hopefully enjoy.

I also need to do some housework that I've neglected and fix (and clean) my car.

My favourite TV show is on tonight which I'm looking forward to.

What else can I say? As you can see my more regular blogging shows that I have more spare time again and don't have to stay back at work. It's great. I wish I didn't feel so tired though so I can get more stuff done. Maybe I'm just lazy.

The dance classes that I'm attending are going pretty well. Not even close to the fun I had in salsa classes, but interesting nonetheless. I don't know what it is about salsa that makes it so much fun. Could be because I love the music and even simple steps look pretty impressive. The dance I'm learning now is more difficult and requires a lot of flexibility. But, as with anything, things that seem impossible now become easy with practice.

Catching up with Amelia every week is nice too. We don't get to talk much during the class, other than make 'witty' comments but we get to catch up a bit when I drive her to her house. It's nice.

Haven't spoken with April for ages, but we still communicate through emails and our private blog.

Oh, April is online. So I will finish here.

No More Chocolate

Chocolate cravings, sugar cravings, wheat cravings - BAD!

All day.

I mean there's only so much fruit, vegetables, meat and rice I can eat.

Why me? Yeah, I'm feeling very sorry for myself which is very stupid. I mean I have a boyfriend who supports me, I have no reason to be unhappy. The sweet guy actually said he'd do this diet with me. Such a naive boy. I told him not to even think of it. He's not in the position to refuse himself important energy foods. He said he still won't eat them when we are together. Whatever. I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realises how freaking hard it is.

I was being so pathetic, I almost cried last night when I told David about it.

I'm sure if I was single, I'd happily trade living on this diet with having a boyfriend.

I made myself feel a little better by thinking that at least I'll lose weight and would look great in all sorts clothes. Just hope my face won't start looking sunken.

I wish I didn't like chocolate and bread so much... I mean I'd be ok to cut out all pastries and biscuits and all that if I could have some cocoa and wheat.

In My Body

You make a phone call to make an appointment with some woman who does naturopathic allergy tests, recommended to you by your new naturopath (since you've been going to the clinic for so long, the two previous moved on to new jobs).

The woman tells you she does this test from home.

You have thoughts of how dodgy that is and if it's even safe but think you can always sue your naturopath if something goes wrong.

You can't help but wonder if this is some scheme where they lure you into some apartment where they make you prisoner and slave for some human/drug traffickers.

You find the house in the cul-de-sac street, park your car and go up the stairs.

You ring the doorbell.

You hear the TV being switched off, some shuffling and finally an elderly woman opens the door.

She smiles; she's been expecting you.

Her apartment looks cosy and a little mystic with astrological and scientific posters everywhere, soft couches and candles. Looks like she lives alone.

She asks you to follow her into a tiny room where there's a strange machine, a bed with white towels and lots of tiny tubes.

She hands you a leaflet with information about the procedure. You read 'NON-INVASIVE' in capitals and skim through the rest.

She asks you to hold a bar that connects to a pen-like tool and the machine. She inserts different tubes into the machine while poking your finger with the pen-tool.

When the machine makes a long noise, it means you are sensitive to that substance.

She reads out what she's putting into the machine.

"Shrimp" - Beep
"Cauliflower" - Beep
"Chocolate" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

"Not good," she says. Great, you think.

"Wheat" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
"Sugar" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

You go through most substances, while she tells you that you have bad digestion, parasites in your intestines, cells aged 50 years old etc. (She calms your mind by telling you that it's only because you've got a lot of toxins in your system and that you are very healthy otherwise, just need to detoxify).

You tell her you eat healthy already. She says she can tell but you'll still have to cut out all sugars, grains, chocolate and fats completely while taking a variety of herbs and vitamins.

You tell her you've already went through the 'Elimination Diet' a few years back and it didn't make a difference. You don't want to go through that again. She tells you it's different because this time you will be taking naturopathic medication at the same time.

She tells you that you can claim the money from your medical fund because she puts it down as a 'massage'. How nice.

So from now on until indefinitely you can forget any food that might contain wheat, gluten, sugar, cocoa and milk, and everything you can eat, you can't overdo because that could lead to problems too.

Aren't you glad it's not really you, but me?

Amelie Works at the Watchstand

I met real-life Amelie today. She sold me a watch and fixed the band to fit my wrist. She was so much like her that I just wanted to keep talking to her. She looked like her, she had the same mannerisms, the same warm voice and expression, her dress, her sweetness, everything. I could just imagine her in her little apartment in Paris. It was surreal.

Get A Room

Last night was one of the most fun nights out I've had in a while.

David and I went to Ria's birthday party at a tucked away cafe that had salsa dancing after people finished eating. The place felt like someone's house. All chairs got stacked away and the tables moved to the walls to allow room for the dancing. The music was a little different to the usual stuff which made for a nice change.

Most dancers were amazing. I thought I was getting better but next to the people on the floor, I looked amateurish. Which I guess I am. We had fun nonetheless.

It was mainly a South American crowd which I loved. Friendliness and fun overdose. There was this one guy who I straight away thought April would go for - cute, boyish, quiet, friendly. I sent David to make friends with him. Unfortunately David returned to tell me that even though he was a great guy he had a girl and he liked girls who were into dancing. Oh well, it was worth a try.

While he was talking to this guy, I was talking to two single girls when out of nowhere some guy asked me to dance. Can't say I didn't feel flattered. It's been a very long time since that happened. I refused though.

Ria had a bit of a drama. Her boyfriend didn't come until way into the night. Her brothers were making fun of him which Ria just nervously laughed at. When he did come, they went outside and she came back looking like she was crying. Something I never imagined her to do. Then they made out like there was no tomorrow. (Even David said it was a bit too much.) Now that I'm in a relationship, other relationships really intrigue me more than ever.

David and I decided to go outside a bit for some fresh air and because it was a little hard to switch off from the 'salsa' atmosphere where 'being close' was the norm, David had his arms around me and we were being a little on the snuggly side when someone from a passing car yelled, "Get a fucking room!" I was mortified! For someone to yell something like that at me! ME! The person who used to think these things about people who showed even a hint of coupledom. How could I have turned into someone I always felt bitter about?

I blame it on the fact that I still haven't switched off the mood inside the club. I mean, when everyone in the club is hanging off their partner, it's easy to forget people outside these salsa places have a different standard of PDA.

I was so embarrassed I almost ran back in. David found it funny; he was like, "I think we should get a fucking room".

We danced some more and went back to my house. Had a really good talk. He told me his Mum said that we act like we're engaged. So it's not only my parents who get carried away. What is it with parents?

Anyway, I know something that should happen at the end of next year that I will have to keep to myself at least until halfway through next year. Every time I think about it, I can't help but smile and feel happy all over.

God's Advertising Space

I saw something today that I just had to share with you.

There is this church on my way to the shopping centre from work which has a large board at the entrance with the most amusing advertising slogans.

Today it said:

Feel ugly?

God thinks you are to-die-for

Catchy, isn't it?

I think they must have a great marketing department, trying to appeal to the people with low self-esteems.

But they don't just try to appeal to the weak. They also go for the 'cool' crowd'. A while ago it said:

Jesus says, "Waz up?"

Who would've thought Jesus was a homie?!

I'm really looking forward to their next promotional strategy.