In My Body

You make a phone call to make an appointment with some woman who does naturopathic allergy tests, recommended to you by your new naturopath (since you've been going to the clinic for so long, the two previous moved on to new jobs).

The woman tells you she does this test from home.

You have thoughts of how dodgy that is and if it's even safe but think you can always sue your naturopath if something goes wrong.

You can't help but wonder if this is some scheme where they lure you into some apartment where they make you prisoner and slave for some human/drug traffickers.

You find the house in the cul-de-sac street, park your car and go up the stairs.

You ring the doorbell.

You hear the TV being switched off, some shuffling and finally an elderly woman opens the door.

She smiles; she's been expecting you.

Her apartment looks cosy and a little mystic with astrological and scientific posters everywhere, soft couches and candles. Looks like she lives alone.

She asks you to follow her into a tiny room where there's a strange machine, a bed with white towels and lots of tiny tubes.

She hands you a leaflet with information about the procedure. You read 'NON-INVASIVE' in capitals and skim through the rest.

She asks you to hold a bar that connects to a pen-like tool and the machine. She inserts different tubes into the machine while poking your finger with the pen-tool.

When the machine makes a long noise, it means you are sensitive to that substance.

She reads out what she's putting into the machine.

"Shrimp" - Beep
"Cauliflower" - Beep
"Chocolate" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

"Not good," she says. Great, you think.

"Wheat" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
"Sugar" - Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

You go through most substances, while she tells you that you have bad digestion, parasites in your intestines, cells aged 50 years old etc. (She calms your mind by telling you that it's only because you've got a lot of toxins in your system and that you are very healthy otherwise, just need to detoxify).

You tell her you eat healthy already. She says she can tell but you'll still have to cut out all sugars, grains, chocolate and fats completely while taking a variety of herbs and vitamins.

You tell her you've already went through the 'Elimination Diet' a few years back and it didn't make a difference. You don't want to go through that again. She tells you it's different because this time you will be taking naturopathic medication at the same time.

She tells you that you can claim the money from your medical fund because she puts it down as a 'massage'. How nice.

So from now on until indefinitely you can forget any food that might contain wheat, gluten, sugar, cocoa and milk, and everything you can eat, you can't overdo because that could lead to problems too.

Aren't you glad it's not really you, but me?