Who Knew

On Thursday I criticised David for something very careless that he did. That lead me to thinking I couldn't rely on him. How could I have a future with someone I couldn't trust to give responsibility to? He said that I was right and he didn't want me to have the pressure of doing everything. He asked if I needed time to think things over. I said, "What if we can't solve this?" And he said, "Whatever happens, happens". And that was the point when I realised that I didn't want to be someone who just 'happened' to him and if things didn't work out, well then, whatever. He'd be fine anyway. I wanted to be more than that. I wanted him to not be able to imagine his life without me. Because that was how I felt about him.

I asked him if he really felt that way and he said, "If we're being honest here, I do". Trying not to choke up on the tears, I told him, "I think you are the one who needs to think things over. I'm sure you don't really want to be with someone you don't care about losing". And we both hung up.

I couldn't remember the last time I actually sobbed before going to sleep.

All day on Friday tears were about to spill out - in the car, at home. Just listening to Who Knew by Pink made me cry. Work was an excellent distraction and I didn't want to go home. I couldn't stop imagining him thinking about us and how he'd realise that he could be happy without me and find someone more suited to him. No wonder I was on the verge of tears. I wondered if he'd tell me this conclusion over the phone or if he would come to my house.

I wanted him to email me something or call me to take me out of this pain. I wanted to do it myself but had to stop because I wanted to give him space. Isn't there a saying, "Let them go, and if it's meant to be, they'll come back"?

I imagined what my life would be like without him. I knew I wouldn't ever meet anyone else even close to him. I'd be alone for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't care because I wouldn't want anyone else. I thought it'd be weird if April got a boyfriend while I broke up with mine. Talk about irony.

I thought of all the things that would remind me of him. I wouldn't even be able to peel oranges without seeing him do it in one long strand, while looking at me in his kitchen and then cutting it for me. I wouldn't be able to wear the bracelet that he gave me even though it's my favourite (and not because it was a present from him but because it looks great with everything). All my weekends would be free. I'd go back to my monotonous and boring life. I'd start meeting up with my uni friends again just because I'd have nothing better to do.

At around 4:45pm, he called me. He said he had enough of thinking and he missed me and didn't want to lose me. He wanted to see me.

He came to my house later on and said that I was the only person for him and he didn't really mean what he said. He couldn't be without me. He couldn't be happy without me. He said it was very difficult to find someone like me and that he was very lucky. He also promised that he would be more careful and that he would make sure I could rely on him so I wouldn't feel pressured to do everything myself.

So the break-up never happened.

I told him I haven't felt so upset since before I met him. He asked, "Who made you upset then?" I told him no one did, I just thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. He said, "You will never be alone because you will always have me".

After that we lazed around watching Along Came Polly.

We were talking and somehow got on the topic of weddings and he said, "I'd ask your Dad for his permission first". I was so happy he told me because I had the chance to tell him not to do that! I wanted to be the first one to know if I was getting married. And I wanted to be the one to tell my parents so I could see their face expressions. He was like, "You might be surprised and find out at the same time". I was like, "Please no!" This is the problem when I already have a vision of how I want it to happen.

He also said, "I wonder who'll be my best man. I wish it was [name of his best friend in South America] but he won't come". Then he said, "You know, I'd choose your brother". I couldn't believe it! That would be just SO perfect!

But anyway, that was just talk. Fun, but early. I guess that's one of the things I love about David. He's not scared to chat about the future for fun. Just like April.

Speaking of April, she wrote me the nicest thing! I was taken aback but really touched. She thanked me for my support in her difficult time of job rejections and boy troubles. I mean, we always support each other so I didn't expect her to actually thank me for it. It's nice to know she doesn't take it for granted. I don't remember thanking her for being a good friend, which she has been. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

Hopefully my naturopath will allow me to eat more food so I can go for lunch with Claudia and April (and maybe Amelia and Christine) tomorrow.

Well, it's almost time for me to go the naturopath who will tell me my fate for the next few months. Wish me luck.