Grey Mood

I'm feeling so uninspired at the moment. Maybe it's the grey weather, maybe it's... I don't know.

Spoke with April today and even though she still didn't feel like sharing the details of Friday night, she did say that it was nothing to do with him but just the fact that she realises that he's not interested in her more than just a friend and that's just something she'd have to accept.

I was trying to give her suggestions to do different things to meet more people and even though she said she wants to meet new guys, she's not interested in putting herself in different environments. She's convinced she will find someone anyway. Well, it's good for her but I hope it doesn't take her too long.

I feel a little deflated after our conversation because she's frustrated that I can't help her (as in, actually find a guy for her and save her the hard work). That irks me a little because even though I can understand her frustrations, it's not that easy for me to just find a guy she'd like. I wish it was but it just isn't.

I have also realised lately that we're not as similar as I thought we were. For example, I love to go out and do new things whereas she doesn't and just likes to stick to her routine. In a way it can annoy me in that she's not interested in going out with me and doing 'fun' stuff but I guess I shouldn't complain. I have David for that and he's totally the same to me in that way.

I've also noticed that I've started taking on David's views as my own. For example, he said that April is being too desperate and whinges too much. And now instead of seeing someone who's in emotional turmoil, I see someone acting pathetic. Even though I can understand her desperation, although I don't have that pain anymore, I think it would be for her own good to at least pretend to be cool and collected. Gosh, I'm sounding like such a bitch right now. If I wasn't in a relationship, I would hate myself for writing this.

Not having been single for over a year now has made me insensitive to the feelings of single people. What would I have been like had I not met David? I'm sure I would've been a mess and very pathetic. I would've been depressed beyond words.

My head and heart feel so torn. I want April to be happy but I just feel completely helpless. There's nothing I can do. And this inability to change her situation makes me frustrated and upset.

David thinks I'm taking on too much of how she feels which is not my responsibility. And I know it's not but I can't help it.

I don't know if this is a good time to say how wonderful David is to me but I will anyway. Last night it was my turn to go to his house but when I called him to say I'd be a bit late 'cause I wanted to take a nap since I was really tired, he insisted on coming to my house. He said he didn't want anything happening to me on the road.

I felt really guilty so I said we could do anything he wanted to - go to the movies or I could get him his favourite dessert at a nearby cafe. He jokingly said, "Movie or dessert, that's a very hard decision!" so I told him I'd get him both. Then he said, "I don't really want either. I just came to spend time with you". I know I used to call him a sweet-talker but how can I not fall for him when he says things like that?

I ended up buying him a movie ticket which he actually wanted to pay for but I wouldn't let him. We saw John Tucker Must Die (his choice) and he laughed like a little kid. I used to think it was odd that he loved those typical Hollywood movies so much but now I don't care. He can like any movie he wants to. He once told me, "Stupid stuff makes me laugh and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just entertainment. I don't want to be watching a movie where I have to think about its meaning." I guess I don't really care what movies he likes. I know he can enjoy historical or thought-provoking stuff, unless it's abstract so it's no big deal.

Wish I could see him right now. Rainy days always make me pine for him. But then again, so does every other day.