Unnecessary Thoughts

Why does a person who you feel you've moved on from, appears in your mind at the unlikeliest of times?

I feel like I'm really over Max and haven't been thinking about him lately. But today, I was getting really stressed about uni work and all of a sudden I had a strong urge to read all his emails. And that got me completely distracted.

In one email he was saying how he'd like to take photos of wildlife but there's not much of it around here and I said that he should go to the zoo. And this got me thinking how fun it would be to go to the zoo with him and take photos of animals. (I ignored the fact that he said that going to the zoo isn't the same).

I still feel like I'm over him but I know if he contacts me and starts talking to me again, I'd go back to the way I was. It's pathetic, it really is.

Uncomforts

It's weird how some people have the ability to make you feel really comfortable to be around them and others just make you want to go as far as possible from them.

I'm becoming a bit anti-social in one of my classes that has most of the people that I've had classes with from first year. I just have no desire to be friends with most of them. Which is strange for me 'cause I don't think you can ever have enough good friends to have around you.

The guys, especially, act like such idiots and cross any line of social interaction. Fabian, for example, tried to kiss one of the girls while her boyfriend was there. Her boyfriend didn't even turn around. The girl was shrieking and Fabian was just enjoying himself. I don't know why but I got really mad at the boyfriend. How could he just sit there and do nothing? I didn't find it as funny as the other guys did.

Jack sat near me and kept saying 'fuck' over and over again really loudly. It got so annoying I just wanted to punch him so hard that he'd really have some reason to keep saying that.

Fabian hasn't been bothering me too much lately which I'm really happy about. He was actually quite polite (in his own way). But him being polite isn't the best thing 'cause that's how he gets your attention so he can start annoying you. I just avoid him as much as I can now. And that seems to work the best.

The only interaction I had with him this year was him asking about what I've been up to and if I work now and where. It was so polite and normal and nice that if it was any other guy I'd be happy that he was interested. But since it was Fabian, I just got suspicious. Last week, he just came up behind me and pushed my chair while I was on it while saying something about what I was doing. It's those little things that have the potential to get out of hand.

Sometimes, I can't wait till uni finishes just so I wouldn't have to be around people like that. Although I'm pretty sure there are more like that in other places.

It's really hard not to meet people like that anywhere.

Re: Archives

Any new (or old) visitors who want to read the archives but can't, I'm sorry. I had to take them off for a while. There have been a gradual increase in visitors, which on one hand is a great thing, but on the other a bit scary. Especially since I have come SO very close to having someone I know read it. And I've written about way too many things that would make me very identifiable.

I also accidentally stumbled on a personal blog of someone I know. I haven't told them and I won't be because I wouldn't want to know if someone I know read mine. I would want them to act as if they haven't and never come back. I won't be visiting that person's blog in the future.

If you want to read some of my old entries, email me.

You might've noticed that lately I haven't been writing about any specific incidents. This is also because of my paranoia of being exposed. If someone I knew read this, I would feel like people do in those dreams where they realise that they're naked in public and everyone is staring at them.

I've never had that dream but I can imagine what it would feel like.

Hopefully, my entries will go back to the way they were before soon. 'Cause I miss writing about stuff like that.

Family Encouragement

My parents were so encouraging today, I feel like I’ve gained new confidence.

I showed them some designs that my friend from my course did to prove to them that I’m being realistic about my design abilities, not negative. I was surprised by their reaction. I thought they would just tell me to stop being negative and learn from my friend.

My Mum said that in the business world the best people don’t always get the job. Companies rather get someone who can do the job for less money and wouldn’t take over. And my Dad said that the main thing is not to be the best but to be above the required standard and he thinks that I am above that standard. They both think that I’m putting myself down for no good reason. And that work is not like uni where everyone reaches for the highest marks.

So I said, “Are you saying that it’s not good to be the best?” and my Dad said, “It’s best to have as much knowledge and as many skills as possible but know when to show and use them.” And that thought still stays in my mind.

The wisest person I know: my Dad
The kindest person I know: my brother
The most caring person I know: my Mum

A Bout Of Insanity

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I prefer to forget about the whole thing 'cause it weirds me out.

After waiting 15 minutes for my train yesterday, it was cancelled. I got my brother to drive me to a closer station that had more trains. I was already getting a weird feeling in my stomach that made me want to forget about going to uni. I told myself that if the train would come in a couple of minutes I would get on but if not, I wouldn't go to uni. Even though I was supposed to have an assessment.

The train came so I got on. I realised that I would be late by about 15 minutes. While I was on the train, the feeling of not wanting to go to uni kept getting stronger and stronger. I told myself that it's no big deal if I was going to be late. I've been late before and didn't care. But yesterday all I wanted to do was just go home.

When the train arrived at the station, I couldn't make myself go to uni. I felt almost paralysed. I couldn't will my feet to get out of the station and get to uni.

So I walked to the platform that had trains going back home. But since the trains were stuffed up, I ended up waiting for an hour and a half for a train back home.

While I was waiting, all I could think of was, "What the hell is wrong with me?!"

Then I thought that since I've been waiting for so long, maybe I should've waited until the bus guy came. I was bound to see him if I waited. But when my train came, I got on and went home.

Made up a story for my parents about being stuck on the train and there not being any point in going to uni.

Maybe it was one of those things that you hear about when people have an intuition about something bad happening. Maybe mine prevented something bad happening to me.

Yeah, right. I'm just going mentally insane. That's a more likely reason.

I just hope that it won't happen again.

Procrastination Pain

I hate procrastinating so much, yet I can't stop doing it. I have so much work to do and not enough time. And I still haven't properly started.

Why can't I just will myself to do it? It's mainly because it's one of those assignments which I don't know how to start. And that's the worst. I've done everything that I knew how to start but this I just can't do. If only I started, I'm sure I'd finish.

Argh... so annoying. Looking on the positive side, I only have 3 weeks left till the holidays! Or maybe that's not a positive thing 'cause that means uni will be ending soon for me. But America trip will be closer. So it's both good and bad.

I wonder what I'll be doing this time next year...

Hopefully I'll be employed in a good job. And maybe have a boyfriend. Yeah, right.

Delayed Reaction

Went to the city yesterday with April, Claudia and Christine. We had dinner and then just walked around and talked. The dinner was very nice but the conversation was even nicer. Found out some very interesting things about my friends. Or more specifically - Christine. That girl never ceases to surprise me. She mentioned something about herself so casually in a conversation that I didn't even react. It only hit me in the morning that what she said was a bit of a shock. Maybe it was after midnight when she said it and my senses were lessened. I don't know. But today when I woke up, I thought I dreamt the whole thing.

That piece of information doesn't change anything but it never occurred to me. Or maybe it did, I just didn't really give it any thought.

I wonder if April knew. She was a bit quiet then. All I could think of when she told (or more like 'mentioned') it was: at least you have double the chances of finding your soulmate. And that's gotta be a good thing.

Public Thoughts

Had a major freak out because I saw someone I know looking through another blog that had a link to mine. I thought my worst fear was about to unravel right in front of my very eyes. I freaked out so much I told my brother about 'the situation', since keeping stuff inside can drive me crazy. And I wanted some (false) reassurance that everything will be ok.

After I told him, he asked me a very good question - why do I write personal stuff online if I'm so scared that people I know will find it?

I guess there are a number of reasons.

1. I like writing.
2. If I write about my life in an 'interesting' way, it might seem better than it really is. Sometimes when I read my archives, it feels like I'm reading about some character in a fiction book and that's kind of fun.
3. Knowing that other people like my blog motivates me to keep a record of my life. I can never stick to writing in a proper diary 'cause I get bored.
4. It's a good way to vent out my frustrations without affecting anyone I know. And at the same time connect with people that I don't know.
5. A small part of me thinks that by letting people read about my life, they would feel better about theirs. I always love it when I read about people who had similar experiences to me.
6. I also like to think that my blog is entertaining (well, sometimes anyway) and that makes me feel good.
7. I'm self-involved.

That's all I can think about right now.

The Diet Is Over!

Ok, it has finally been proved that I'm not intolerant to any foods so I can go back to eating everything again.

Everything tastes so much better than before. I don't think people (who are able to eat everything) realise how lucky they are. It's so nice now not to have to avoid most food groups. If I want to eat chocolate, I can. It's the nicest feeling.

The only thing that I'll miss about my diet is being on the skinny side of average. I think my weight will go up to what it was before my diet once I go back to eating more food in general (not junk food). Even though I'll miss being skinnier, being able to eat properly would definitely outweigh that.

Eurovision – A Family Affair

Eurovision brings people together. Well, it brings my family closer. Watching Eurovision is a whole family event at my house. It’s the only time when every single family member is enjoying the same TV show at the same time. Yesterday was no exception.

We all had the same favourite and they won which made us all very happy. They (Ukraine) had all the elements that made a winning entry – good song, good singer, good performance and originality. I was almost jumping out of my seat when it looked like Serbia and Montenegro or Greece were going to win. Serbia and Montenegro weren’t bad but I didn’t really like them. And Greece weren’t that good. I think the guy’s cropped top should’ve disqualified him immediately (although Eurovision wouldn’t have been the same without bad costumes to laugh at). I was a bit disappointed about Cyprus. I thought the 16 year old was great. And Turkey would've had a stronger chance of winning if they had a better singer.

Eurovision is also a great way to learn European politics. It was quite amusing to predict correctly who each country will be voting for. My family all cracked up laughing when Russia was awarded 12 points by Belarus when the girl that sang was absolutely awful. Same goes for the guy from Bosnia and Herzegovina. If his dancers weren’t fired, I don’t know how Albania’s could be when his dancers were of the standard you’d see in a strip club (not that I’ve been to one but I can imagine).

Overall, it was still a very enjoyable event. Much better than last year’s.

Wanderlust

I got my plane tickets!!! I can actually hold them! Just the thought of going to America fills me up with so much ecstatic joy.

Since I finished planning everything to do with the trip, I decided to look at some Europe brochures (just for fun, of course). I haven't even gone on this trip and I'm already thinking about my next one.

I don't know why but since I was little I always craved adventure. Not the physical type (like jumping out of planes) that puts your life at risk but the type where I can explore new places and all the different cultures that they bring.

I remember when I was four (I have memories since the age of two) and my grandma took me for walks around the neighbourhood, I always asked her to take me somewhere where I haven't been. So maybe this type of wanderlust is something that people are born with, rather than develop.

I think that visiting new places and experiencing different cultures is a wonderful way to see the beauty of our world. And there's so much of it, even in the most unlikely places.

Ok, I think I've been reading too many travel magazines.

There's Something About 'Reality' TV...

I'm sure lots of people have already heard about the controversial show "There's Something About Miriam". The one where lots of men compete for the affections of Miriam. The catch being that Miriam is a man. Of course I think that's a horrible thing to do to those poor men who are probably traumatised for life now. And of course I'll be watching it.

Call anything controversial and the ratings will go up. Especially weak TV viewers like me who will watch anything that shows how people behave in unusual circumstances. It's like watching someone being the subject of a practical joke. It's funny to watch but you wouldn't want to be in that person's shoes.

Although people who go on reality shows shouldn't be so naive. Don't they know that they're volunteering to be humiliated?

Another Perspective

On Friday when I met up with Amelia and told her about my meeting with the bus guy, she had some 'interesting' input.

me: but he might be married...
Amelia: don't worry, the divorce statistics are in your favour.

Disappointment

I’m so disappointed that I didn’t see the guy from the bus stop again (who from now on I will call the bus guy). I knew I wouldn’t see him but I still hoped that I might’ve. I’m more upset about it than I should be.

I have to remind myself that I don’t really know him. For all I know he could be (in April’s words) “a complete jerk, who smokes, drinks and deals drugs in his spare time (when he’s not telling everyone how much he hates kids)”. God, I really hope so. Then at least I’m being saved future pain.

Fear Of Public Speaking Evaporated

I think my new diet (yes, my old one had to be changed since it didn’t work) is changing my chemical composition (if that’s possible). Since I can’t have wheat or dairy now, I’ve been eating buckwheat pancakes (which are disgusting). It’s amazing what I will eat when I’m hungry.

Anyway, I think all this buckwheat is making me really calm. Like, take today for example. I had to make a presentation and I didn’t experience even a tiny bit of anxiety like I usually do. I was standing there thinking, “30 people are staring me, why do I not care? Why isn’t my face going red? Why aren’t my palms sweaty? Why is my breathing normal? …Why am I trying to make myself nervous? Haha, it’s not working”. It was such a new feeling. And a very nice one too. I hope it stays.

Compliments

Another pretty cool thing happened yesterday before the whole guy thing. For my class, we had to go to the Sports Centre to draw people playing sports. When we got there, my class-friend (a person who I talk to a lot during that class) and I decided to draw some guys playing indoor soccer.

I said to her, "They'll think we're so weird staring at them! They'll be really uncomfortable." And she said, "No, you're pretty, they'll be flattered."

That was such a sweet thing to say! I don't consider myself pretty so it's so nice to hear that someone else does. Especially a girl 'cause she wouldn't have any wrong intentions behind it. Although I would love it if a guy would say I'm pretty. But then I might not believe him.

The last time I remember someone saying that I was pretty was in year 7 when one girl said to me, "You're pretty. You're smart. And you're nice. You're like a perfect person." I still remember that. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I think I cling to compliments so much because I'm insecure or something. Although I only cling to the ones that I feel are genuine. When Nadine used to say I was pretty, I didn't take her seriously 'cause I thought she was just saying that.

I read somewhere that you should tell a pretty girl that she's smart and to a smart girl that she's pretty. I thought that idea was very interesting.

The Perfect Stranger Who I Will Never See Again

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! I met a guy at the bus stop, had a conversation with him, caught the bus to the station with him, found out that he lives two stations away from mine, waited 25 minutes with him for our train (and at the same time finding out his age, what he was studying etc), got on the same train and… Amy was on it and took me away to another carriage never to see the guy again. Why, why, why??? I thought I was going to explode. How could she ruin something that I could only dream about?

The guy was so my type, did a very similar course to me, 25 year old, friendly, funny, sweet and lives so close too!!! It was so easy to talk to him and he was a complete stranger! I felt like I already knew him. Why do I have a feeling that I will never see him again?

During our conversation he did mention a ‘she’ but since I didn’t hear who he was referring too, I have no idea if it was his girlfriend, wife or what. I asked him to repeat what he said but he just repeated the last bit, rather than who he was talking about. I didn’t ask again.

I must calm down. I must. Why don’t things ever go as I want them to go? It’s as if him living close to me is enough for a nice surprise. But it’s not. It’s never enough until it has the wanted consequences.

Favourite Song Contest

Eurovision is coming up! Yay! That's my favourite song contest ever. Way better than all the Idol shows and Popstars. Even though last year's was disappointing. I don't know why I love it so much. It always makes me feel nostalgic and reminds me that I'm a European at heart. Even my Dad watches it, even though he doesn't watch anything else except news.

I watched the Junior Eurovision (kids' version) on the weekend and it made me think of when I was little and used to perform in musicals and piano concerts. Those were the fun times!

The 'About' Section

Look everyone! I finally made an 'About' section (well, it's more of a paragraph but still). I don't really like it 'cause I don't think it communicates what type of person I am. This summary could probably fit thousands of people.

I'm open to suggestions about how I should improve that paragraph. Do you think there's a word or phrase that would communicate to new visitors who they're reading about?

Coincidence?

A very strange thing happened last week that I forgot to write about.

April sent me a part of a script for our TV show (yes, we're still writing it, yet another version) and she had a character called Max who worked in exactly the same suburb that Max (the real one) lived in. How freaky is that? For a moment I thought she knew about him.

Sometimes I want to tell her about him but I never do. Probably because I don't see the point if he's not a part of my life anymore. That part of my past should stay in the past.

It was just weird seeing her write about an imaginary character like him. I get too paranoid about anything to do with him.

Comments

I love it when I get comments to my entries because it shows that people are interested in my blog. Yet, I very rarely post anything on my favourite blogs. And I feel bad about it because I don't want people to think that their blogs are boring when they're not. So if you (like I) think that no one is commenting because your blog doesn't interest anyone, let me assure you that it's not true. Sometimes I just like to be passively absorbed in someone's life.

Rant: Cold Weather

I love cold weather. Everything is clearer. Warmth feels nicer when it's cold. There are no mood expectations. It feels like I have more freedom. Everything seems more mysterious and intriguing. Emotions are more acute and numb at the same time. There's a nice sense of placidness and excitement.

I love cold weather.

Michael Buble

Does Michael Buble have a sexy voice or does he have a sexy voice?

I think I'm in love...

And I love pronouncing his name. It sounds French and cool no matter how you say it.

Re: My Diet

I finished my diet and went to the dietician who said that since it didn't work I'd have to go on another diet that has a 5% chance that it'll show what I'm intolerant too. This diet is a combination of the previous one and minus all wheat and dairy.

This is all just wonderful. I might as well starve and get a much worse disease than an itchy rash. But I'll be doing it starting next Monday for 2 weeks. I'm just happy that I can have a break before starting it. I'll need to fuel up on energy.

Best Friends

I finally saw my school friends this week. It was a while and I was starting to miss them. It takes extra effort to meet up this year ‘cause the ones that go to my uni don’t have the same breaks and the other two (April and Christine) are even harder to find the same free time.

I saw Amelia and Claudia yesterday because even though they finish uni a few hours before my lunch break, they stayed just to see me. Made me feel special. What made me feel even more special was the (late) birthday present that Amelia gave me. She gave me a bracelet-watch that she made herself. It was absolutely beautiful and she said she ordered some parts of it from overseas. I can’t believe she went to so much effort! I wanted a nice watch to wear to clubs and other dressy places for ages. The bracelet of the watch was made out of silver flower beads and aquamarines (my birth stone). So I’ll be having a unique watch that no one in the world has. How cool is that?! That present was so touching, I wanted to give Amelia a present just to say thank you. She and Claudia said they’ll be having Friday lunch breaks with me from now on. I’m so happy about that because I never get to see them anymore.

Today, Claudia, Christine, April and I went to a jewellery making ‘party’ at April’s friend of a friend house. It was a very girly get-together. But fun, nonetheless. I made nice earrings and an ok (due to lack of resources) necklace. After that, Claud, Christine, April and I went to a Mexican place for dinner which was really nice. It’s great to be able to have normal food again (until Monday, at least). They gave me a late (part of a) present. It was a travel diary for my upcoming trip to America. I remember telling April that I wanted one but not just any. I wanted a nice one that wasn’t too big but with enough room to write and different sections for things like addresses etc. I was looking for one before and couldn’t find one that I liked but they got me one that has everything I wanted. It’s perfect!

We were having a conversation (the same one that we had last year) about how we should meet up every month no matter what. We already decided on a date for our next meeting. I wonder if it will work this time. I guess we end up meeting anyway but sometimes we can go for more than a month without seeing each other.

It doesn’t really feel like that long though, especially with April because I talk with her almost every day either through MSN or phone. I also talk to the others but not as often. So I feel like I know what’s going on with all of them even if I don’t physically see them.

I have to say that I’m a bit surprised that I stay in such close contact with all of them after school ended. I wasn’t even such good friends with Claudia and Christine at school.

When I reflect on all this, it makes me feel so happy to have friends who make me feel so significant and accept me as I am and are there for me if I need them. I don’t think I can ever take them for granted. Sometimes they feel like my extended family because even though I get mad and upset at them sometimes, I still love them.