Party Thoughts

Party Thoughts

One of my uni friends is having a birthday party on the weekend and I was planning on going 'cause I was expecting only our group of uni friends to come (apart from her high school friends) but now I found out that this other group (that I don't particularly like, including Fabian and Jack and maybe Mark) is coming too and it makes me not want to go. I think that if I was coming with someone, it wouldn't be so bad but the fact that none of my uni friends live around my area, I will have to go there alone. Maybe I can get Sophia to meet me beforehand... I just have this image in my head where I get there and see the people I don't like first and will have to talk to them. And it will be SO awkward and uncomfortable.

I hate that I'm thinking like this because why should some stupid bunch of people prevent me from going? It's ridiculous. Yet I'm seriously considering not going. Must stop thinking silly thoughts.

The Signs

The Signs

There's nothing like an email from April to make me laugh hysterically. The guy that she liked (which she denies, even though she always talked about him) turned out to be gay. I think once to prove that she didn't 'like' him, she was going to introduce him to me (which I was actually looking forward to).

There were signs of course but I didn't take them seriously. The first sign was April seeing him look through the uni gay club web site. I remember how she was totally convinced that it was proof. I didn't think that meant anything and laughed at April for jumping to conclusions.

The second sign started to make me suspicious. April heard a gay guy from her primary school talking to this guy about gay night clubs. I still didn't think that it really meant anything.

Then yesterday she got concrete proof. She was told that he was gay. So it's pretty official now.

It's kinda funny looking back on all the times when we devised elaborate schemes to find out whether he 'liked' April and how she could become better friends with him so I could meet him. And meanwhile I kept going on about how Jesse was probably gay because he looked so feminine (which really didn't mean a thing).

April is a bit traumatised now and suspects that every guy she meets is gay which is quite funny to me. We had many talks (since the 'first sign') about how to know whether a guy is gay (when he's not completely obvious) and we couldn't come up with anything. Does anyone know? I mean gay people seem to always know when another person is gay. How do they do that?

The Curse

The Curse

So I decided to go to a dancing class today. Again. I mean there would have to be a point where I would be able to attend one. I wasn't too hopeful, after lots of previous disappointment where something always went wrong.

Since yesterday I was waiting for something to happen that would prevent me from going. A mysterious disease? Being stuck in a train? Aliens kidnapping me? Anything was possible.

Miraculously, I didn't get a mysterious disease and the train was perfectly on time (another miracle, I know). I actually got to the studios!!! It was amazing. Even I couldn't really believe it.

But no one else came. Not the other students. Not the teacher. The receptionist was very sorry and said that it had never happened before. They usually had at least 5 people for that class.

I couldn't believe it. I don't know but deep down I really thought that everything would go fine today. I'm not a superstitious person but this has to be some curse.

I'm positive there's someone out there whose sole goal in life is to make sure that I never attend a dance lesson.

So maybe I wasn't kidnapped by aliens but I'm certain that the teacher and the other students were.

Uncertainty

"The lack of certainty only seems to underline new possibilities"

- "Almost French", Sarah Tunbull

I love that quote.

Endless Procrastination

Endless Procrastination

Yes, I should be finishing off my last assignment. But I can't make myself do it. It's so boring. I can never write reports in long pages when I can say the same thing in a sentence. I asked how others seem to manage it and they all say that they just b***s*** their way through. It can be easy for them but I can't do it. I can only go on in circles about things that I obsess about but it's impossible to obsess about the topic of my assignment. It seems so straight forward and obvious.

Instead I do everything other than the assignment: read, snack, watch TV and write here.

Tutoring

Tutoring

I just got paid double. The mother of the girl who I tutor decided to pay me for last week's lesson that she cancelled. I didn't want to accept but she insisted. I felt weird taking it, even though I need the money.

The girl got her test back and didn't pass. That was really disappointing because I put so much effort into making sure she did well. Well, she did improve by 20% from last time so I guess it's not all bad.

I don't know why I care so much about the students that I tutor. I always put more effort than most other tutors. I guess I like kids too much. I even wanted to be a teacher until about year 11. I get such a high from knowing that I helped a kid. Especially if they're as cool as this girl.

I think her mother paid me more 'cause she realised how much I care. Last time when I said that I "really want her [daughter] to do well" she was so thankful. I didn't even realise at first why she was thanking me so much.

Or maybe she's going to fire me soon, who knows...

Testing Time

Testing Time

What I am about to tell you is me making a big deal out of nothing to make myself feel better so don't roll your eyes.

Today I had a POBian exam. I finished early as usual. I have great side vision so while I was pretending to be checking my paper, I looked to see what Daniel was doing. He was being restless (as usual). I guessed he finished early too. After another guy who finished early left, I thought that I probably should too but the thought that if I would, I would never get another chance to talk to Daniel (not that I had much of a chance anyway) kept me firmly in my seat.

Being bored, I started to day dream, as usual. I was contemplating that if I never have a proper conversation with him again it would be a bit sad cos he was the coolest guy out of all the ones I know (which isn't saying much but still). I was also thinking whether he looked better with or without his glasses (since today was the first time I've seen him without).

Anyway, while I was deep in my thoughts, Daniel got up to hand in his exam and left. Great, I thought. Now I definitely won't get to talk to him again. Before (maybe a few years ago) I would've got embarrassed at my patheticness but today I didn't care. At least I tried so can't regret anything. My new motto.

Five minutes after he left, I decided to go too since there was no more point in waiting till the end. As I was walking out of the building I heard Daniel calling me. He just appeared out of nowhere! I think I was much happier than the occasion required.

I got a thought in my head that he waited especially for me, since he's always the first out of class and never waits for anyone. Sure he probably just went to the toilet or something but I liked thinking my original thought.

After the obligatory chit-chat about the exam he asked me if I was going to be continuing this subject after the holidays. This question just increased my confidence that he wanted to know if he would speak with me again. After my last few days of being sad about not having any guys around, this was a huge mood booster (even if it was completely casual, which I refused to believe).

Being so happy about this unexpected conversation, I just went on and on about uni stuff. He just smiled and nodded. What a waste of time; I should've asked him something useful. Anyway, when we had to part, he paused for a bit too long and I swear it could've been the perfect opportunity to exchange numbers but he just said, "Well, I'll see you around" which really just meant, "I'll never see you again".

I think he forgot that we have another exam together tomorrow but I definitely won't get a chance to talk to him alone then.

I'm reminding myself that it's no big deal 'cause we'd never go out with each other anyway. Although he could've made a really good friend.

Filling My Mind With Other Stuff

Filling My Mind With Other Stuff

Spend all your time waiting...
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release...

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

- "Angel", Sarah McLachlan

I've taken up Norwegian.

My brother laughed and asked me, "Why Norwegian?"

And I said, "Because it seems easier than Swedish."

My parents laughed and asked me, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

And I said, "No."

Frustration, Hopelessness and Desperation

Frustration, Hopelessness and Desperation

I've just been reading this and I feel like crying. Why is everyone young in love? And I don't have anyone to even like a little bit? It's so irritating and frustrating and completely hopeless. I will go through my whole life without ever experiencing love and never know the feeling about being completely and utterly head over heels for someone.

All I want is ONE person to be in love with in my whole life. I don't need any more. And to find this person tomorrow.

I can just imagine my life being like one of those parties that only get fun when it's time to leave. If I ever do meet my RG, it will be in some nursing home when my life is ending.

Blurry Week

Blurry Week

This week has been such a boring blur. Being home, finishing assignments, studying for exams, finishing reading Harry Potter, getting distracted by TV, snacking too much, staying up late downloading music (how nerdy, I know) while playing around with photos in Photoshop. I realised (once again) how easy it is to make anyone look beautiful in photos when you edit them. I was so pleased with the way I made myself look that I had a tiny urge to post it here. But I won't.

Paid some more for my trip to US this week. My bank account balance is quickly diminishing. It's a bit scary how much less money I have now. I have to remind myself that this is what I was saving up all that money for in the first place. It should definitely be worth it. Every time I pay, I get more excited about the trip getting closer.

Next week I should finish all my exams and hopefully do something more exciting than this week. I will hopefully be going to that dancing class I couldn't go to last week. If nothing goes wrong as it always seems to.

Late Night Ramble

Late Night Ramble

I don't feel like going to sleep so I'll just write here. Nothing much to say.

Every time I write here, I feel like I'm talking to the great unknown masses of anonymous people. It's an interesting feeling.

I was reading some of my old diaries today while I was waiting to go to work (which was cancelled anyway) and I've written something thought provoking one time. Well, maybe it won't provoke any thoughts in you but being the over-analyser that I am, I kept thinking about it.

Anyway, what I wrote was "When I am myself, I become the best person I can be". I was thinking whether that would apply to everyone. And I think that unless you are some cold-hearted person (which is very rare), it would apply to most people. Because when we are not trying to impress others and conform to 'society's standards', we bring something special and unique to our world. And genuine people are always more likeable. The only problem is that people usually never get to know most people well enough to see the depth of their personalities.

Got Totally Drunk, Aren't I Cool!

Got Totally Drunk, Aren't I Cool!

Well, not me but I had to get your attention.

I've been wanting to write about this issue for a while but never got around to it.

What is it with people boasting about being drunk as if it's something to be proud of?

It's freaking annoying and plain stupid. There's nothing good about filling yourself up with toxic chemicals that wreck your body and mind.

And if people really want to drink, why is it so hard to control themselves? Is everyone getting so weak that they have no will power? Or is it something that they think is 'fun'? It is totally possible to have just as much (if not more) fun without getting drunk.

And if someone doesn't drink, people who do might not accept them as much as they would if they did get drunk.

How did it get to be so much part of the culture that people brag about getting drunk to sound cool. And this isn't just teenagers. It's everyone (well, way more than necessary).

Is there any hope for change?

Not All Reality TV Is Stupid

Not All Reality TV Is Stupid

I’ve discovered a great new TV show. It’s a reality one but more of a documentary. It’s called “Take This Job”.

Every episode shows what it’s like to work at a particular job. Although it seems like nothing special, it’s done so well that I was completely engaged in it. The episodes always delve into the culture of the workplace and really show the personalities of the people who work there. I think it’s that human side of it that always leaves me eagerly waiting for the next episode.

All Better

I looked up the ever helpful Family Doctor and took the advice given - lots of heat and analgesics.

Had a great sleep and woke up today completely fine (well, almost). Decided to finish some assignments that are due next week and realised there was a lot more to do than I thought. Well, nothing unusual there. Ended up doing them all day.

Many Times Described In 1 1/2 Words And Health Problems

Can anyone guess how the dance class was?

I'll give you a hint: 1 1/2 words.

NON-EXISTENT.

I'm totally convinced that I might never go to dance classes.

What happened this time, you might ask?

Well, even though I didn't know this but, it all started on Friday night when I felt what I thought was just a sore muscle in my shoulder. I completely dismissed it, thinking it would soon disappear. Little did I know that the pain was going to spread to the side of my neck the following evening and also get more severe. It got so bad that I couldn't sleep last night and painkillers didn't help much. In the morning the pain also spread onto the side of my head.

But I still had hope that by the time I would have to leave to go to the dance class, my pain would disappear. After another dose of painkillers in the morning, my shoulder and neck seemed to get better, only minutes before I would have to get ready to leave. I decided to test my shoulder and neck by moving them a bit. As soon as I did, all the previous pain returned.

Looking at the clock, I had to accept that I just wouldn't be able go to the much anticipated dance class. (And I'm sort of glad that I didn't because the pain continued all through the day and I can still feel it as I type.)

My Dad said that when he was my age he got a really sore neck and it lasted for a week. Then he got a massive flu. So I can only hope that this is an onset of a cold and nothing more.

I'm really starting to get very irked about my health. Every time one problem goes away, another one comes along. First my gallbladder, then my allergy (or urticaria, whatever), then my ear, then my foot and now this!

I feel like an old woman when I'm 20! My parents tried to make me feel better by saying that lots of young adults develop health problems that go away in a few years and only come back when you're old. I really hope so 'cause I'm sick of all this physical pain restricting my life.

Chocolate Mud Cookies

I made some chocolate cookies today. They were delicious.

(Well, isn't this the most exciting post?)

That Nagging Feeling

When you miss someone, it's so hard to remember anything bad about that person, no matter how hard you try. And if you do remember something negative, it doesn't seem as horrible as it once was.

I'm starting to miss talking to Max again. I was fine for a while but lately, I've been thinking about him once too often.

It's exactly what happened last year. At first when we stopped talking, I was quite happy to have it all be over but a few months later, that nagging feeling started to resurface. Last year, amazingly, he felt the same. Apparently he thought about emailing me a few months before he actually did, which meant that he started to miss me before I started to miss him.

I'm not even sure if he's in Australia at the moment. He was supposed to go overseas for a few months, starting from March. Maybe he decided that this time it's really over.

Oh my God, I'm talking about it as if we had some proper relationship. Our thing (whatever you want to call it) between us made me realise that there are so many different types of relationships between people and not everything is black and white. I don't even know what to call it. I guess it was the closest to a friendship that occasionally became emotionally more intimate. But then, we weren't proper friends.

I think a larger than I thought part of the way it turned out was my fault. I acted a bit too paranoid and very childish at times. But he didn't make it much easier. Although sometimes, I'm surprised that he liked me the way he did, even though I was so annoying to him. And I still don't understand why I wasn't open with him. Why I always had to put him down. Why I had to pretend that he didn't mean anything to me.

Hopefully this nagging feeling will pass soon.

Or he'll email. Maybe even call...

The Guide

Well, it's finally here. I have created a guide full of information about things that I've written about. It has a complete list of descriptions of people that I talk about and meanings to all the abbreviations that I use.

I'm open to suggestions about how I can make it even better. So if you have any ideas or requests, please let me know.

Lazy Day

Decided to skip uni today. It was only 2 hours of POBian. It would've taken me longer to get there and back.

Read Harry Potter. It had a bit of a slow start but it's gaining its pace.

I'm also in the process of doing a guide to my blog that has descriptions of all the people (so I won't have to describe them every time I mention them for new visitors). And it has what all abbreviations stand for and a bit of history. Should be useful. I'll link to it as soon as I finish it.

I think I might finally go to dancing lessons this weekend. Completely by myself. I'm tired of forcing people to go with me and then finding time so it's convenient for them, just 'cause I'm too scared to go alone. No more! I'm an adult and I can go wherever and do what I want without anyone else.

(This is a bit of pep talk for myself.)

Anyway, I'll probably meet more people if I go on my own. And that's always a good motivator. And also the fact that I need some exercise.

My Brain's Conversation

You know when you see a person behaving in a way that really irritates you and then you realise that you used to behave just like that? It's like seeing yourself in someone else and not liking it.

I'm talking about a blogger (who's name I won't mention). She has to point out good things about herself because she probably thinks that people won't notice otherwise. And yeah, I guess I do that too. Not as much though.

Ok, now I'm being bitchy about other bloggers (who are people too).

See, I'm doing it again. I had to point out that I knew that I was being mean in an attempt to show that since I recognise it, it's not as bad.

There are so many times where my brain is in conflict with itself. It wants to not think bad things about other people, yet it can't help it.

My brain conversation with itself:

Brain: that person is so annoying
Brain: well, it's not like you're not annoying
Brain: at least I know that I can be annoying
Brain: you still shouldn't think bad things about other people
Brain: that's such a high moral ground to put yourself on. You should be allowed to think whatever you want.
Brain: but would you like other people to say how annoying you are?
Brain: no, that would be very annoying of them
Brain: that's a bit of a double standard, isn't it?
Brain: no, cos I have to put myself first
Brain: other people might find that annoying.
me: shut up! You're both annoying me!

No, I'm not becoming schizophrenic. Really.

A Dream About You

Last night I dreamt that I found a post in one of my readers' blogs about what a great blog my one is. It went something like "Since our email hasn't been working, we found some good web sites. One of them is Sky's one...". Then it went on to say how good it was. There's a reason why the post was in first plural form. If you figure out that it's you, you'd realise why.

It kind of makes me laugh now that I had such a dream.

Boots

Yesterday I got the coolest boots. I always wanted a pair. Now I have a reason to wear skirts in winter.

Claudia's Birthday

Went to Claudia's 'party' today. She was a bit disappointed that lots of people didn't come. Amelia agreed that having assignments is no excuse not to come because we all have uni work. Even though I could see she was hurt that April didn't put enough effort to come to her birthday, being the sweet person that she is, she didn't let it bother her too much.

I told her that we were going to have such a good time and talk about it for at least a year so that everyone who didn't come would always regret it.

Christine thought that April didn't come because she was still mad at her. She seemed sorry.

I told Andrew about April's selfishness to make sure I wasn't the only one who felt that what she did was wrong and he totally agreed.

Rudeness

Everyone is getting so rude lately, I'm losing respect for people. I can accept that there will always be inconsiderate people, but when these people are my friends, it's a lot worse.

A few days ago, April got really annoyed at Christine. And for a very good reason. They planned on meeting so that Chrisine could help April with one of her uni projects. And Christine didn't show up. No, she didn't forget. She just got distracted by other things and decided not to turn up. And she didn't even see why she should've called to let April know! She didn't see what 'the big deal' was! How could anyone be so obtuse?! It really makes my blood boil.

Then today, when I went to tutor my new student, her Mum was in the driveway talking to the Mum of my other student (who was sick and cancelled). When she saw me, she told me that her daughter won't be needing any lessons until next term. I asked her why she didn't call me to let me know. And she said that she thought she'd just tell me after I'd finish with their neighbour (the one who was sick). I told her that I hadn't tutored that boy today and she was just, "Oh, sorry". Was it that hard to dial my number and let me know??? I wasted 40 minutes just to drive there and back.

Tomorrow is Claudia's birthday party. And April isn't coming. She said she has too much work to do. And she told me she hasn't started any because she can't be bothered. So basically she can't be bothered to finish her uni work today so she could go not just to some friend's party, but Claudia's! Someone she considers one of her best friends. That, in my opinion, is very selfish. And it's not like it's for the whole day. If she really had so much that she had no chance of finishing it today, then it'd be different. But not being bothered?!

She asked me (online) why I was so upset about it. There was nothing I could think of saying that would make sense to her (just like nothing April could say to Christine to make her see why just not turning up to an arranged meeting is extremely inconsiderate) so I just didn't reply. She hasn't said anything either. So I guess she's mad at me. I don't care.

Why are people so focused on themselves that they don't see how they affect people around them, especially people they think they care about?

There Are No Nude Pictures In This Blog!

I always look at how my visitors find out about my blog. And lately the most searched for item that yields this blog in the search results is "there's something about miriam nude".

Ok, now I'll probably get twice as many hits from perverts all over the world.

Honestly, who wants to see Miriam nude! It's disgusting.

Social Circles

I have always believed that if I hung around a certain type of people, I would be one of them. The problem was in finding that type. The type that I could really connect with. Since I couldn’t find that, I just had to find connections with people of other types. For example, my closest friends are nothing like the type that I wanted but they’re still people that I can connect with on a different level. The problem with being with these people is that I’ve grown so accustomed to them and have become one of them that when I meet someone from the type that I’ve wanted to hang around with all along, I find it hard to connect with them.

If that makes sense.

I’m starting to realise that there are so many sides of ourselves that the ones that we take on the most are the ones that allow us to makes the best of our social environment, even if those sides of ourselves are not our favourite.

So when there’s an opportunity for our social environment to change, it’s a bit difficult to project the other sides of ourselves, even if we prefer them to the ones that we’re used to. But when we do, we get a huge sense of contentment and fulfilment.

Translation of the above: I’ve met a lot of people this semester that are so much like the type that I’ve always wanted to be involved with. This type is hard to describe but I’ll try: intelligent, very friendly, open, warm, deep-thinkers, fun-loving but not very extroverted, self-aware, good conversationalists, very genuine, generous, funny, people that you feel like you already know. Most of them are from America. One girl I’ll be meeting up with when Lauren and I go there at the end of the year. Another one offered to let us stay with her but unfortunately we won’t be visiting her city.

It’s a bit sad that I haven’t been around people like that but I’m grateful for the friends that I do have and I’m glad that I’ve found a way to connect with them.