Different Sides of Happiness

Happiness is the best revenge. Heard peope say that many times but yesterday I got to experience it and let me tell you, revenge never tasted so sweet.

I also met Blog Guy (who I guess now can call Praket), a bit of a disappointment but it satisfied my curiosity.

So... April invited me (and David and the gang) to meet up with Praket and his friends. Of course I was there. Actually ended up talking to him alone while April talked with Mike and Claudia, and David just walked quietly next to me. I was wondering why April didn't join us but I thought I might as well get to know him while I had the chance.

Man, he talked non-stop (about Arts and culture). To be honest, I was getting bored, even though I didn't mind either subject.

We were supposed to go and see a free broadcast of a symphony ('cause Praket loves classical music and it was his idea to go) but because he came so late, they venue was full and they didn't let any more people in. (His friends managed to get through.)

I suggested to go to the Latin festival close by so we all walked there.

When we got there, we sat on the boardwalk and shared the snacks that we all (except Praket) brought. It was a nice little group to chat in. April was a bit quiet around him. We found out he went out with a girl from our school. Gosh, that would be weird if April and he decide to go out in the future.

Afterwards, I was ready to dance so everyone else followed us onto the dancefloor. I was trying to make things easier for April 'cause I asked Praket specifically if he wanted to dance and he said yes so it would've been a great opportunity for him and April to dance together. But no, April decided she didn't want to dance but wanted to go and sit somewhere. So they started walking away when I decided I could give her my bag to mind so it would be easier for me to dance. I ran after her (which prompted Claudia and Mike to follow me).

Then all of a sudden I saw Claudia saying hello to some group. I turned to see and it was Amy, Allison, Jacqui and Mary (i.e. The Group members)! They were all really dressed up. David thought they looked like they were trying to pick up. I heard Mary say to Amy, "They all look so young" like it was a bad thing. I guess we were just more casually dressed. They also checked out the guys we were with. The interested looks on their faces were priceless. I guess it would've been more expected that they would be the ones with the guys, not us. They were the pretty popular ones that everyone liked.

I remembered all the times that I felt like I didn't fit with that group, like I wasn't outgoing and social enough. The feelings of isolation and not being completely accepted for myself. I couldn't be silly without them looking at me like I was a weirdo. I had to watch what I said so they wouldn't take it the wrong way. I couldn't joke without receiving their blank looks. No wonder they always saw me as the 'quiet girl'.

That was all gone last night. I was still my old self, only more open because I didn't care if I got their approval. I had my real friends with me and I had the gorgeous boyfriend right behind me. And I felt proud of Claudia and April. The other girls never even gave them a second look in high school but it was Claudia and April who had the guys.

I don't know why but having a partner is seen as a sign of success. It shouldn't be but that's how it is with the girls I know. You have a boyfriend (and a good job) and that means you have it all. If you have your school friends with you, that's seen as an extra bonus.

I think I was looking forward to my school reunion so much because I wanted to see this specific group to show them that I didn't end up a failure. My wish came a little earlier than expected.

April pointed out that they could also have boyfriends and this was just a girls night out. I mean that could've been true but I doubted it. They were really dressed to impress, they were looking around the place, like they were checking it out rather than enjoying themselves together, and dancing really self-consciously.

After our little catch-up chat, especially with Allison ('cause she's the only sweet genuine one out of the bunch), Claudia, Mike, David and I moved towards the stage to watch the band playing. David had his arms around me and would sometimes give me a kiss on the cheek and because I could see The Group looking at us through the crowd (when I turned my head back to see David), I was enjoying it for all the wrong reasons.

I guess my evil side came out.

After the dancing, Mike and Claudia went home. David and I went to where April and Praket were sitting. We chatted to them for a bit. I could really see what April meant when she said they will only ever be friends. And it wouldn't be such a tragedy for April anyway. David wasn't the only one who noticed how self-centred he was. But he was an ok guy to hang out with. I might like him more if he makes April happy. A lot more. He was a bit funny which was in his favour.

When we left Praket to meet his friends and walked onto our train platform, David tapped me on the shoulder to point out that Jacqui, Amy and Mary were also on the platform, calling out my name. April didn't hear them either.

I turned around to say hello when the train came. Strangely enough they didn't follow us into the same carriage. April thought that was a bit snobby but David said they could've thought we were snobby for ignoring them. Well, it wasn't my fault I didn't hear them.

I wonder what we could've all talked about on the train.

On the train, David was asking how I changed groups in high school and how April and I became friends. It was nice to reminisce. Made me appreciate my friends when I remembered The Group. April, Amelia, Claudia and Christine not just accepted me the way I was, they actually liked me for who I was.

After April got off, David and I gossipped about the interesting night. Felt really lucky to have him. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. He was worth the wait. Hope that's how April feels when she meets the right guy.

David left in the morning 'cause he wanted to get some homework done but he's coming back later so we can go to Christine's and Evan's new place. The girl called to tell me to come a bit later so she can go and buy chairs for us to sit on. Oh, the joys of independent living.

Should be fun!

Just noticed David's quote after his nick on Messenger:

"You are the closest thing to heaven, I don't want to miss you tonight!!"

My sentiments exactly. Can't get enough of "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, now.

When You Think of Me

David and I watched the Terri Irwin interview last night and Ray Martin asked her what she thought of when she heard, "Steve Irwin" and she said, "Fun".

I asked David what he thought of when he heard, "Sky Space" and he said, "Beautiful, smart and funny." Well, he added another bit but there's no need to mention that without embarrassing myself.

When I think of David, I just think, "The love of my life". Mushy and sentimental, I know. But without relating it to me, I think "Warm, kind, perfect and never boring".

Still In(sanely) Love

I've started writing this post probably ten times already but feel like I'm heading into the sentimental and mushy territory.

I was going to write what happened last night or just how I feel but that wouldn't articulate what I actually want to say.

Hmm, how can I say that I've just realised that love isn't a hundred different things squashed into one, but just one strong pressure just below your chest. It's physical, not just psychological.

Ok, this is starting to sound really stupid.

Hmm.

Last night was great. Amelia and Claudia both got picked up by some Latino guys. Amelia rejected the guy really rudely, I actually felt a bit sorry for him. Claudia actually danced with a guy. Then he kept coming round and asking her again but she didn't want to. Man, that guy was really persistent. David and I found it really funny 'cause this guy would always run his hand though his hair just before coming up to Claud for like the 10th time. Amelia tried to pretend she and Claudia were a couple (not very successsfully) so the guy would leave her alone but that didn't stop the guy. David said he probably didn't care.

David and I had a great time dancing. Then we caught the night bus to my house. I was so tired I actually fell asleep on his shoulder. We got home about 4:30am. Wished my parents weren't home.

Christine and Evan moved in together. I wish I could live with David now. I have a serious addiction problem. Totally and completely addicted of David.

White. Warm. Safe. Perfect.

David and My Relatives

What a hectic and wonderful weekend it's turning out to be.

David came over last night and we went to the movies and then walked a bit on the beach. Seeing him made me VERY happy! I was so excited to see him that I even dressed up a bit (by that I mean I wore a skirt above my knees). He really appreciated it. He said, "You should dress like this more often so when we go out, people will think, 'Wow, she's hot!' and then they'll see you're all mine".

Girls can understand that when your boyfriend says things like that, your confidence shoots up. Even though obviously it's a bit shallow in a way that the guy sees the girl as someone to show off. In reality, who cares, it feels GREAT!

Anyway, I should stop gloating about something so insignificant to the future of humanity.

Today, we went to a BBQ for my cousin's birthday. He turned two. I had chocolate mud cake, even though I wasn't supposed to but man, it tasted sooooo good! Mmm... David played soccer with my uncles and some of their friends. I talked with all the young mothers. I used to never go to these sorts of things because they were so boring, but now that David gets invited too, I don't mind. I feel like I fit in more.

Jeanne (you might remember her as the sister-in-law of the POBian girl who came here a while ago) said to me, "You look really cheerful!" I wondered if I didn't look happy before David. (She met him for the first time today.)

Now David went to play soccer with my brother, my uncles and some other people. It feels great that he fits into that group.

Tonight we're going dancing with Claudia, Amelia (and her friends) and maybe Christine. Hopefully some of David's friends can come too. Should be fun. Hope he won't be too tired by then.

So hot today but it's a beautiful day.

A Public Phone Conversation

I think giving David my work phone number was not such a good idea.

Every time he calls, he intentionally tries to make me laugh as much as possible. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from laughing? Obviously it's a problem when about 10 other people can hear your every word.

And he loves it! I think he's entertained by my predicament. He also tries to make me say embarrassing things. So I end up just saying "Yep" as professionally as possible over and over again while trying not to giggle.

I'm sure my work colleagues all know that I'm having a personal conversation but that's not really the problem as they speak with their families and friends all the time too. It's the nature of my conversation with David that I don't want other people to know.

I don't want people to know of our flirty/teasing/silly/childish/ridiculous chats. I think they might never treat me as a serious adult if they knew.

I'll give you some examples just so you can understand how immature we can both be:

• Today when I picked up the phone, I heard some hold music. I didn't realise immediately that it was David singing.
• Another time, when I picked up the phone and said my usual 'Promotions Department' bit, he said, "I want to promote a cup of coffee". I replied, "We don't do that. " Then he exclaimed in a typical spoilt 5 year old fashion, "I WANT to promote a cup of COFFEE!!" I stayed silent (as I usually do when I can't think of anything appropriate to say). Then he said, "This is very bad customer service. I want to speak to your manager". And this went on for about 7 minutes.
• His favourite thing is at the end of the conversation to say, "Give me a kiss". I'd say, "Yep" and he'd say, "Come on! I'm waiting." I'd stay silent, trying not to giggle like a school girl. And he'd just keep persisting, knowing very well that I'm not about to kiss him over the phone with 10 other people around me. After he has enough, he stops.

These are just some of the stuff I have to put up with at work.

And the worst is that after I hang up, I can't remove the stupid smile off my face. I just try to hide behind the partitions.

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

The Most Traumatic Life Experience

I saw a bit of Steve Irwin's memorial. And even though everyone kept emphasising how much he contributed to conservation and what a great ambassador he was for wildlife, all I kept thinking was how horrible it was for his wife and kids (and Dad). Just the thought of losing your partner is just too much. I cannot think of anything more horrible.

I read ages ago that losing your partner is the number one of traumatic experiences.

While I was watching the memorial, I kept getting flashes of losing... I don't even want to say.

Anyway, I need to stop thinking such depressing thoughts. They just upset me too much.

Hate Heat

I am probably in the minority when I say this but I hate summer! The heat, the bright sun, the heavy air. I can go on and on.

Why don't we get spring here? One day it's cold, then we get one mildly warm week and then it's 30 degrees every day.

My head hurts from so much heat. And it's only September!

There'll probably be bush fires this year.

The Screen Dream

I have been having - let's call them 'urges' - since I was a kid. Sometimes they subside and other times they blow up so much that there's nothing else I can think about.

I have depressed this feeling for a while now and today it has come back.

The urge to write a film/TV show/play. (What did you think?)

At work, I manically looked through all the websites on film making, script writing and participating in other people's projects.

I have tons of ideas swimming in my head, none of which I'm happy with. All of which I have no confidence in ever being produced. I guess that inevitable knowledge that it will never come to fruition is what makes me lose my motivation very quickly.

Yet, I still can't help but want to work in film/TV. Looking through different websites reminded me that I'd have to work for free, which lots of these people do, before I even have a chance of working on a professional production.

The problem is that I can't afford to work for free. I don't have time to take off work to shoot short films. I wish I did but I just don't.

I was thinking how I should just write something that I would want to watch. A story I would be interested in. Maybe that would hold my interest to finish a script. And then I can try taking the next steps. Only my unstoppable consequence-thinking brain already knows that if I write something I like, it would be personal and I don't have the guts to show my personal writing to anyone (other than anonymously, of course). Actually that's probably why I stuck with blogging for so long. I write what I like, get to share it with the public and still remain anonymous.

Having April for support in the script writing process was so great because we bounced ideas off each other, provided encouragment and just had fun. Now that she's not interested anymore, there's no one else who can motivate me to keep going.

On the weekend, David actually suggested we buy a camera and make little films together. I was very surprised 'cause I didn't expect him to be into that sort of thing. He even said, "It could be our first purchase together". So I did some research on video cameras and told him the prices. He said it was too expensive for him to get right now. Anyway, he's right. We wouldn't have much time to make movies with him busy juggling studying, volunteering and work.

Maybe I should just write something anyway. Just for the fun of it.

On a bit of a different note, got an email from Amelia today and I swear her life is like a story. She makes the most ordinary things seem exciting. I was actually thinking how if my friends were TV shows, she'd be a quirky soap-opera - dramatic and full of twists and turns. On the other hand, April would be a very long-running show that I'd always like to curl up in front of, even if it's the same thing a lot of the time. David would be an entertaining sitcom that always leaves you wanting more. And as for me... well you decide.

I wonder if everyone has dreams of what they wish they could do. Sing, act, write a novel? For me, the two dreams that I've had since I was about 6 were:
1. Be in movies/TV/theatre (preferably directing/writing)
2. Dance in shows

I blame the first dream on my mother because she took me to the theatre when I was probably only 4 years old and I fell in love with drama ever since. And I blame the second dream on my primary school teacher who got me involved in semi-professional musicals. The music, the nightly rehearsals and the beautiful costumes got to me and never let go.

Do you have dreams that you've had since you were a kid? Did you achieve them?

Must Resist Sleep and 'Important People'

My goal for tonight: don't go to sleep until at least 10pm.

Why the hell do I feel so sleepy? As soon as it gets dark, my eyes take it as a cue to close.

Need to distract myself.

Can't stop thinking of the weekend... Makes me miss David. Had a long horrible nightmare last night. Hasn't happened for ages. I bet if David was with me, it wouldn't have happened.

That's right, I was going to distract myself. I'll tell you something April said to me on Saturday that offended me a bit. She was telling me how she didn't get any interviews to clerkships and I think she thought I was looking down on her or something even though I didn't think it was a big deal. (They're extremely hard to get, especially for lawyers as competition is very tough.)

I told her it might even be for the best (which I truly believe as those big firms have very stressful work environments) and jokingly said, "Maybe you can work at [suburb I work in] and we could have lunch together!" She just gave me this 'look' and said, "Uh... yeah..." in the "I don't think so!" tone, like this suburb was beneath her and that it couldn't possibly have any good law firms.

Then she said how she wanted to volunteer to help low-income earners with their legal problems. I said it was a great idea and it would look great on her resume. And she said, "That's not why I want to do it! I want to help people!" I told her that of course I knew she'd be helping but I was just 'saying' that it would also increase her chance of getting a job. So then she kept repeating how she just wanted to help and she wasn't looking for rewards.

I wanted to say, "If you want to help so much, why don't you just do it?!" David's been doing volunteer work all year and doesn't go on about how he wants to help people, he just does it.

Anyway, it's not the first time she said things like that. I think I even mentioned in this blog how she stresses her point of wanting to help people, yet doesn't do anything about it. And it really bugs me how she looks down on where I work.

So ok, graphic design doesn't make that much of a difference to the world and doesn't directly help people, but let's just take it all out. The world would be pretty boring. Of course everyone needs people in the 'basic' professions - doctors, lawyers, farmers etc. but it's all the other people that make the world fun. Every profession has a purpose, otherwise no one would pay for it. Every efficient employee is making the world run just a little bit smoother.

Well, now that I've distracted myself for a little bit, I'm ready to go. For now.

Real Romance

I read an article about some men who are considered to be very romantic. The article went on to describe some of their elaborate plans to woo the ladies. After I read their stories, it wasn't their romantic gestures that stood out to me but the fact that they were all middle-aged and single, some with several ex-wives.

What's the point of having that 'romance' that might extract a 'WOW! You did all this for me?!" moment when you can't be a good long-term partner and make your 'signficant other' smile during the every day little things.

When I think of people who have been happily married for years, I notice that most of the men are not romantic (in the traditional way) at all!

Take my Dad for instance. He never buys my Mum flowers (unless I remind him to get some for her birthday). He never whisks her away on surprise getaways or showers her with gifts. But he does clean the toilets and make her laugh when she's stressed and is being illogically emotional. He also does the most unnecessary things to keep the compulsive cleaner in her happy or lets her watch a movie even though he wants to watch the news. I can list many more little things that I find a lot healthier for a long-term relationship than a spur of the moment extravagance.

Although David can be traditionally romantic, I think as along as we can keep each other amused and are there to help each other, that's more romance than I could ever want.

Oversleeping

At about 4pm, I felt so tired I decided to have a nap. I only woke up at 10pm. That is just not right. I wonder if it's the new herb my naturopath gave me and forgot to mention the side effects (will go do some online research).

Then when I woke up and was about to return David's phone call, I couldn't remember his phone number!!! How could have that happened? I always remember it. I wonder if something messed with my brain.

I was so tired last night that I had to stay over at David's house, something I don't like doing as it means he has to sleep in his sister's room on the bunk bed and I just feel uncomfortable staying over. When I told David I was driving home, he got really upset and begged me to stay. (I'm kind of glad he did because my eyelids were sticking to my eye balls.) I know I would do the same. I wouldn't want him driving on that dark road that connects our houses if he was tired.

In the morning, I was woken up when he kissed my forehead. Felt like I was Sleeping Beauty or something, being woken up by my prince (only much better looking than any Prince Charming). After that, I just closed my eyes again and slept for another 10 minutes. When I woke up the second time, he was still sitting next to me, holding my hand.

When I actually got up, he didn't want me to go right away so I stayed a bit. We went for an early walk to the bakery. He said that just doing little things like that made him really happy. I wish we could do that all the time.

Well, I better go to sleep again as I don't want to be falling asleep at work. The weird thing is that I'm still tired.

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

The age old queston.

I think most people would agree that it's possible. The harder question is if it's possible for men and women to be very close friends.

April has been convincing me that it is because of the Blog Guy. Even though for the whole of last week she's been telling me that he doesn't exist, turned out she spoke to him almost every day.

I told her she didn't need to convince me. Even though I don't have close guy friends (or any guy friends for that matter), I know it's possible to just be friends.

I actually learnt this from David. He told me how it's annoying when people think you like them just because you're very friendly with them. It's especially difficult with introverted people because they analyse every detail of the conversation (like April did with Blog Guy) and a 'look' or a 'word' would mean everything. In reality, the other person doesn't reciprocate any of the feelings that his/her face expressions and body language show.

Makes it very confusing to know what anyone really thinks of you, unless they tell you specifically. I guess that was one of the things that attracted me to David. He was just so straight forward. Although I guess that's easy for me to say because he liked me enough to tell me.

He told me how one girl at a salsa class asked him out and when he said no, she asked him why not because he was always so friendly and joking with her. He said after that he tried to be less friendly. I know that it's just his personality. Even when we meet some girl from his class or work or something, he'd be so warm and nice and just has this ability to make the other person feel really good. No wonder these girls might think they're special.

Wonder why I didn't think he liked me more than a friend. It was pretty obvious to me from the start that he was just a very outgoing person. (Could've been because he chatted me up at a bus stop.)

Funny now, I know his outgoing side is not all of him. He can get shy and insecure too. He does a really good show of not showing that side to people he doesn't know.

Then there's me. Before David, as you might remember, if I liked a guy, I would ignore him but if I didn't, I would become the most talkative and friendly person. (David's the obvious exception.)

So what I'm trying to say is that some people assume too much from things that don't mean anything. A person can be wonderful to you yet not see you as anyone special. And if they're even a bit like me, they might be extra nice because they couldn't care less what you think of them and are therefore not scared to say anything.

Forgotten Pain

I think that getting pregnant for the second time is like deciding to walk in really uncomfortable shoes again.

You just forget how much pain they were in the first place and think that it couldn't have been that bad. That is, until you walk to the shops during lunch time and can barely stand to go back.

The shoes that I'm talking about are the ones I had a crush on. And I still freaking do. I always want to wear them because I just love how they look.

I don't understand how some women wear high heels every day! Is the skin on their feet like metal?

Anyway, back to my flat shoes next week. My lovely ones are going back in the closet. Well, until I forget about the pain again.

God's Advertising Space II

You might recall a church with a very creative marketing department that I mentioned a little while ago. One of their campaigns aimed at the 'young and hip', another at people with no confidence. As you can imagine, I was eagerly anticipating their new one.

And this week I saw it. Although it's not as amusing as the previous two, I thought I'd share it with you anyway:

Help beyond the grave
Jesus
Insurance for the next life

And they even did the word Jesus in the same style as the logo for a big well-known insurance company!

I see they are trying to recruit the practical and the paranoid.

The Cure for Crying

The Cure for Crying

Who knew Australian Idol was educational?

They've answered a question I've always had!

How to stop yourself from crying - tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue.

It actually works! Amazing. Wish I knew this a lot sooner!

What's Young For Marriage?

I was talking to a girl (almost 21) from work, the one who's getting married and she was saying how she's going into marriage very seriously and that she knows that the wedding is not the highest point of marriage, it's just some fun. She also said how her fiance is working part-time and she's going to study next year so they won't have much money but they'll manage.

The other people (all middle-aged) were amazed at how young she was to get married. What some people don't realise is it's not the age, it's whether you're ready or not. Just because you marry young, doesn't mean you are naive and irresponsible and will get divorced.

I would be happy to get married at my age. Funny, I always thought my main obstacle would be not having a groom.

I know David doesn't want to get married until he finishes uni because he has this macho thing that he has to be earning money or else he'd feel inferior or something. Honestly, I would never think that if I was supporting both of us. Not like it would be forever that way. He also has this thing that he doesn't want to rent. He wants to buy property. Although of course that would be great, I don't see how that wouldn't be able to wait. People usually buy property in their 30s. What's the rush?

I asked him what would happen if he wouldn't able to get a job straight after uni. He said it wouldn't matter because he'd get something.

By the time I get married, I'd want to have kids and therefore wouldn't have much time for just the two of us. That was my whole point of marrying by 22.

Well, not much can be done about that anyway.

Maybe 24 could be the new 22?

Forever Young

I don't want to grow up. Simple as that.

I want to act like a teenager - silly, dramatic, quirky. Of course I still can, but it just looks stupid when I don't look like a teenager anymore.

I wish I did.

I watched lonelygirl15 on YouTube (since it was on the news today*) and there was something about the girl that made me want to be back in that place where you feel like your whole world is in front of you and you have all the time in the world. The place where being crazy and emotional and weird is all part of the charm.

Guess I just have to make the most of the current stage of my life.

*A girl's personal video blog became very popular but was then discovered to be fake, created by some film makers and actors.

Grey Mood

I'm feeling so uninspired at the moment. Maybe it's the grey weather, maybe it's... I don't know.

Spoke with April today and even though she still didn't feel like sharing the details of Friday night, she did say that it was nothing to do with him but just the fact that she realises that he's not interested in her more than just a friend and that's just something she'd have to accept.

I was trying to give her suggestions to do different things to meet more people and even though she said she wants to meet new guys, she's not interested in putting herself in different environments. She's convinced she will find someone anyway. Well, it's good for her but I hope it doesn't take her too long.

I feel a little deflated after our conversation because she's frustrated that I can't help her (as in, actually find a guy for her and save her the hard work). That irks me a little because even though I can understand her frustrations, it's not that easy for me to just find a guy she'd like. I wish it was but it just isn't.

I have also realised lately that we're not as similar as I thought we were. For example, I love to go out and do new things whereas she doesn't and just likes to stick to her routine. In a way it can annoy me in that she's not interested in going out with me and doing 'fun' stuff but I guess I shouldn't complain. I have David for that and he's totally the same to me in that way.

I've also noticed that I've started taking on David's views as my own. For example, he said that April is being too desperate and whinges too much. And now instead of seeing someone who's in emotional turmoil, I see someone acting pathetic. Even though I can understand her desperation, although I don't have that pain anymore, I think it would be for her own good to at least pretend to be cool and collected. Gosh, I'm sounding like such a bitch right now. If I wasn't in a relationship, I would hate myself for writing this.

Not having been single for over a year now has made me insensitive to the feelings of single people. What would I have been like had I not met David? I'm sure I would've been a mess and very pathetic. I would've been depressed beyond words.

My head and heart feel so torn. I want April to be happy but I just feel completely helpless. There's nothing I can do. And this inability to change her situation makes me frustrated and upset.

David thinks I'm taking on too much of how she feels which is not my responsibility. And I know it's not but I can't help it.

I don't know if this is a good time to say how wonderful David is to me but I will anyway. Last night it was my turn to go to his house but when I called him to say I'd be a bit late 'cause I wanted to take a nap since I was really tired, he insisted on coming to my house. He said he didn't want anything happening to me on the road.

I felt really guilty so I said we could do anything he wanted to - go to the movies or I could get him his favourite dessert at a nearby cafe. He jokingly said, "Movie or dessert, that's a very hard decision!" so I told him I'd get him both. Then he said, "I don't really want either. I just came to spend time with you". I know I used to call him a sweet-talker but how can I not fall for him when he says things like that?

I ended up buying him a movie ticket which he actually wanted to pay for but I wouldn't let him. We saw John Tucker Must Die (his choice) and he laughed like a little kid. I used to think it was odd that he loved those typical Hollywood movies so much but now I don't care. He can like any movie he wants to. He once told me, "Stupid stuff makes me laugh and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just entertainment. I don't want to be watching a movie where I have to think about its meaning." I guess I don't really care what movies he likes. I know he can enjoy historical or thought-provoking stuff, unless it's abstract so it's no big deal.

Wish I could see him right now. Rainy days always make me pine for him. But then again, so does every other day.

Belly Churning

Went to the dance workshop with Amelia yesterday and was on such a high. The dance instructor was great and I felt like I learnt as much in those two hours as in the last two months of the dance course. At one point the instructor made an analogy to doing something at the gym but then stopped herself and said, "Wait, no one here likes the gym, that's why you do dancing". Seriously hit it right on the spot.

I think I'm really getting into belly dancing. One things I like about it is that even though lots of moves are very hard to do straight away because they require you to use the muscles you've never used before, with practice they look great!

I really feel like I'm improving.

I'm really happy I used to do piano when was little because it taught me that to do anything well, you need patience and lots of practice.

Also had a nice conversation with Amelia. She was saying how she was annoyed that our friends were acting middle aged and didn't want to go out and do fun stuff. I guess she was referring to April and Claudia, and even Christine to an extent. It's true that April and Claudia said they were over the whole clubbing scene. Amelia said, "How can you be over it at 22 when you haven't even really done it much?"

I agreed with her. I understand that clubbing isn't for everyone but it also frustrates me that my closest friends don't feel like going out and having fun (other than movies or dinner). Not that I really worry about it so much now that I have David for it. He said as soon as he finishes his exams, we are going out - anywhere I wanted. I told him I wanted to go dancing and he said he'd love to.

Amelia wants to travel in the summer or next year and I would've loved to come but I don't want to leave David for too long. And anyway, Amelia wants to go and have 'single girl' fun which I can't really do. This would've been good two years ago.

What would be great is taking David along or going with the other couples.

Speaking of couples, April and Blog Guy will never go out. Not exactly sure what happened but April was very upset and didn't want to go too much into it. She said she's going to tell me when she calms down. I'm very disappointed. It's not fair that she's always so unlucky in love. I really feel for her and wish there was something I could do.

I wish I could take her out somewhere where she can have fun but she's the type that's not interested in going anywhere. Maybe I should just take her to the movies or watch DVDs with her.

Now I don't even know if I should call her because maybe she doesn't feel like talking.

I'm trying to remember what I was like when I got rejected but I can't. I'm the type of person who likes friends to distract me but not everyone's like me.

Cry and Look

[POBian song]

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Probably that's how I'll begin when meeting
But now I look from a distance
And tears are not from the wind in my eyes

On asphalt a small house with white chalk
He draws ineptly
On paths of gold avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you, we'd be three

Simply "hello", simply "how are you"
Again your hand is in my hand
In the park on Saturdays as always
Fortunately we have two hours

In the stream there's a ship so white
Maybe he'll become a courageous captain
For now in a shadow of empty avenues
He chases pigeons

The merry-go-round will begin to spin
Through the reflection in the puddles
All wishes will come true
But you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look from a distance
Happiness barefoot on a carpet before sleep
Cry and look - he has your eyes
And if it wasn't for you...

Cry and look

The Fridays of Our Lives

When you are a baby, Friday night is the same as every other night.

When you are a kid, it's a day you can stay up later than usual because there's no school the next day.

When you are a teenager, it's a day of stress to have 'something to do' or 'somewhere to go out' so you don't seem like a loser.

When you are April, today is the day you go for dinner with Blog Guy.

When you are my brother, today is a day you go out dancing with his girl friend.

When you are me or David, today is the day we laze around, doing absolutely nothing.

Gosh, I feel like David and I are such a retired couple, sitting home on a Friday night, watching TV and drinking tea, maybe going for a walk. Not that I'm complaining.

Very excited for April though! It's almost like watching your younger sister go on a first date. She finally showed initiative with the Blog Guy and it paid off! When I spoke to her last night, she seemed really surprised that her plan to get him to ask her out actually worked so easily. Will be anxiously waiting for the news tomorrow.

Meanwhile, better go and make my room look a little bit more presentable.

The Blue-eyed Baby

When Penelope Cruz said that Katie's and Tom's baby was the most beautiful one she's ever seen, I didn't think much of it. Then today when I was procrastinating at work by reading the news, I saw Suri's (where did they even come up with that name?) picture.

And wow, I have never seen a more beautiful baby.



She looks so much like her mother which is probably why she's already quite gorgeous.

The Wrong Look

I'm sure I imagined it and it probably was accidental but it freaking annoyed me.

This guy from my work, the friendly but not so smart one, looked at my... you know. This sort of thing hasn't happened for a very long time and it made me feel really uncomfortable. Now I can't just chat normally to him like I used to because I keep thinking he's checking me out. Especially that he was complimenting me the day before.

I know I'm making this into a bigger deal than necessary but why can't guys keep their eyes above your neck? Don't they realise how self-conscious it makes women feel (well, me anyway)?

I was going to tell David, just to vent, but didn't. Don't want him thinking it was bigger than it was. Just told him the guy gave me 'a look' I didn't like. David said, "I'm going to talk to him". He can be pretty protective so wouldn't be too happy if I told him.

I don't even know why I'm going on about this now. Need to forget it. Remove it from my mind. Banish any related thought.

Gone.

Lives of the Famous

I was never one to be obsessed with celebrities but lately I find myself more and more interested in their lives.

When I found out that Britney Spears had a blog, I was as excited as getting ready to a read a good book. Unfortunately I was disappointed as Britney doesn't write too often.

Watching Newlyweds was also very addictive and now I can't help but be interested in what's going on in Jessica and Nick's lives. Today Jessica and John Mayer made the news. Why is people falling in love such a newsworthy event if they are famous? (I'll be interested to see where that goes though.)

When Lindsay Lohan is mentioned, even though I know it's probably something to do with her partying ways again, I can't not read it.

A morning radio show did a segment on celebrities and one host asked the other if he would leave his partner if his favourite celebrity asked him out. I couldn't believe he couldn't answer straight away! He had to think about it! How can you even know you'd like the celebrity if you don't personally know him/her?

Apparently that's how Madonna and Guy Ritchie got together. Guy had a girlfriend at the time and when Madonna showed interest, he told his girlfriend "I love you but it's Madonna!" I was thinking, "SO WHAT?!" (especially Madonna - ew, but that's my irrelevant personal opinion).

I may be interested in celebrities' personal lives but I couldn't care less about meeting them. Although going over to Britney's or Katie's house to hang out could be interesting...

I never understood people's fascination with the lives of the famous, and I still don't. Why do I care so much what happens to them? Is it because they are beautiful? Glamourous? Exciting?

I honestly don't know. All I know is that I will be checking Jessica Simpson's blog next.

The End of the Search?

I just realised that for a long time now, I've been blogging to regular readers rather than any new ones and since most of the old ones left a few months after I started going out with David, there's only about 5 people who read my blog. And new ones never visit the second time. In a way that makes me feel safe to write whatever's on my mind but in another I miss knowing that there's a whole large-ish group of people interested in what I write or who can relate to what I'm going through.

I guess it's understandable that the reason people used to read this is now the reason they don't. I know it's no fun reading about a person who's pretty much happy with her life if you are not. My old self would stop immediately reading another person's blog if they started going on about how happy they were.

Last week when I couldn't connect to my blog, I almost got another blog. I think I'm at the stage of blogging where I want a new beginning. A different blog, a different concept, a different design. I want to start over again.

I always thought that I would only start a new blog after I got married (if I still wanted to) so there'd be some conclusion to this blog. When my 'search for a life' would be over. I used to think that in a way, it never would be over. There'd always be new things I'd be searching for. Now I realise that my search is kinda over already. I'm almost exactly where I'd like to be in my life.

I have my job, my boyfriend, my friends, my hobbies, my small adventures.

So even though I could end this blog, the problem is that I'm not happy with this vague boring ending.

By habit of blogging is another obstacle, as well as finding anything hard to let go. I don't want to let go of this blog where I accumulated readers who have been reading my blog for most of its existence. I don't feel ready to close this chapter of my life, even though my life is back to monotony (but different to the one I had when I was single). There's this contentness that I've comfortably settled in with no major events to shake things up. And to be honest, I love it this way.

I find more excitement just being with David than anything else. Of course this is quite boring for people to read about. There's no suspense, no thrill, no desperation to find out what happens next.

I read somewhere that people become wonderful writers when they fall in love because they start to see poetry in everything. However, I seem to have worsened my writing skills. In my opinion, people in pain are the best writers. Many singers are examples of this.

I also have another problem: I can't think of a better title for my new blog.