Relationship Education

I've been learning a lot of things recently and it's been getting harder to apply my pre-boyfriend thoughts.

Lesson 1: He Cares, He Cares Not
Before I started getting comfortable with David, I would worry that if I said I didn't like something about what he did (with good intentions), he would stop liking me. On Saturday I realised that if the other person likes you too, they worry about pleasing you just as much.

We were dancing at a club and every time I'd look into his eyes (to enjoy the feeling of being with him), he'd take that as his cue to kiss me. I told him I didn't want to be kissing at a crowded club, but he kept doing it (and not your innocent little kiss) so after about the third time, I got angry that he wasn't listening to me and pushed him back (not obvious to other people or anything, but hard enough for him to notice). He was surprised and said in an offended voice, "You pushed me!" so I told him in a really stern voice that I was serious and to not do that again. He said he was only playing, but I couldn't go back to my joyful mood because I started thinking how he was supposed to care about me and not continue doing things I asked him not to, considering he knows how I feel about PDA.

He picked up on my mood immediately. I thought he was going to get upset that I was acting like that but he got more worried that I might stop liking him so he started apologising and asking me if I was ok and if I wanted anything. I realised that now that he was clear that I wasn't enjoying his game, I needed to stop being upset and not ruin the rest of the night for myself. After some effort and David being extra sweet and nice to me (trying to make up for his earlier behaviour), I made myself have a good time.

Lesson 2: The Closer You Get, The More Vulnerable You Become
Since from the very beginning I was sure that David and I would never have a serious future, I always distanced myself from him. I didn't want to get too close to him and be totally open because that would only increase the hurt when we eventually broke up. However, David has this ability to totally draw me in. Ever since that day when he accepted that I never had a boyfriend and didn't make me feel embarrassed about it at all, I felt like I could be open with him without him using that personal information to hurt me.

Then when my urticaria started playing up once and he noticed my hands were getting red patches all over, he asked me about my 'allergy' (which I mentioned I had). I tried to blow it off because I didn't want to talk about health problems (because I didn't want to show any signs of weakness) but he just kept asking (even when I told him it was a long story). So I told him everything. It kinda felt good to talk about it because I don't talk about that with anyone. When I told him how painful it was to get the gallstone attacks, he just gave me the warmest hug and said how much he liked me the way I was (with allergies and all).

When he shared his personal information, I felt even more comfortable being open with him because I had his sensitive details as weapons for any personal attacks. (God, as I'm writing this, I'm realising that I shouldn't think in this way.)

So when I found out that the poem he sent me wasn't really made up by him, I was SO disappointed. I know he never said he made it up but I assumed he did because it related to me. All that time I was thinking it came from his heart, it came from some ad (advertising those numbers you can SMS to get a poem) on TV. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he didn't write it himself or that he paid $5 for it.

He said he didn't want to lie and say he wrote it. I told him I appreciated his honesty but I was just disappointed.

If I didn't start to feel too comfortable with him, I wouldn't feel so crushed about it.

Lesson 3: No Guarantees
I realised I'd rather spend the rest of my life with him than another 25 years alone and the rest of my life with RG. Because there is simply no guarantee that I will find that guy who would feel like a soulmate.

Doesn't mean I'm going to run to marry him but it's not definitely out of the question (in the future) like it used to be. Even though I've only known him for a few months, I've had the most deepest conversations with him about life. We talk so much (about everything) which I absolutely love. I don't even mind that we disagree on some things. Then, add a physical connection to the emotional and mental one and it becomes too good. The horrible original kiss has been replaced by many wonderful ones.

Last night I went to his house and he was changing his uni enrolment for the next session so I was helping him to decide what he should do. It felt like we were just friends hanging out. Then, we played chess. He looked so innocent thinking about his move. I was so distracted watching him think that I lost. It's weird how he can sometimes act and look so innocent playing chess or showing me a card trick (or figuring out my one too quickly) or checking his uni timetable and other times he turns into a not very innocent boyfriend.

How do I know that I would find someone better?