Just Right

Yesterday, I had a class in which I hoped to meet some new people (ok, fine - guys) because it's small and there aren't a lot of people that I know. As my eyes quickly glanced around the room, I realised that I won't be friends with any of them. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover but I wasn't judging books. I was judging people who, unlike books, have a say in their appearance. Since the subject was design based, most guys were very 'arty' looking i.e. they put effort into looking stylish. I don't really like it when guys try hard to look trendy (eg. gel their hair and wear jewellery). There's nothing wrong with taking care trying to be neat but all the extra things are... well, extra. I like the guys who look good without really trying. And it's not that rare.

I find the extra time spent on caring how their clothes look (style-wise, not neatness-wise) a bit feminine and I don't like feminine guys. I don't like guys who are too musculine either because then they're a bit intimidating. The best mix is when a guy is musculine but has boyish charm.

Oh my God, where am I going to find a guy like that?

On Fire

Yesterday was a night I definitely won't forget.

April and I went to Matchbox 20 concert. It was excellent beyond words! Words can't even begin to describe the experince. Thanks to April, we ended up sitting in the absolute best seats (literally). At first we were sitting in the last row in different sections (because we got our tickets late) but then some lady (who worked there) asked the people next to April if they wanted to sit at the front and April asked if she could go too. When the lady said yes, she asked if I could come too but the lady said no because she didn't have time for that but April managed to convince her to let me come. This was all happening while the guy next to me (who smelled of cigarettes) kept telling me how it must suck to not be sitting with my friend. After we left, he must've thought how much it sucked that I got to sit in the front. April got almost hystrerical when we realised that we got the best seats. April (who is usually very conservative) argued to get those seats. She's absolutely the best!

I've been obsessed with Matchbox 20 music for a while now so to hear them live was absolutely amazing! It felt so unreal to be there.

If their music made up a personality of a guy, that guy would be perfect. Rob Thomas is the sexiest celebrity, not to mention extremely talented. The guitarists were also totally awesome (I'm running out of positive adjectives to describe them). Every song has so many layers, musically and lyrically, that it's hard to get bored of the songs. Every time I listen to them, I find something new.

Books On Trains. Paying Attention. Guy Friends.

I took my (well, the library's, if you want to be really specific) "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" on the train because I didn't think it was one of those embarrassing books that someone next to you can read and give you looks. (Or maybe I'm just paranoid that people would look at what I'm reading. Yeah, that's probably it). Anyway, it turned out that I was up to the bit where she's choosing condoms and every second word is condom/sex and lots of capitals and exclamation marks so if someone would look at what I was reading, those would be the first words to catch their attention. One voice in my head (yes, I have quite a few) was saying, "Who bloody cares!!!" but the more dominant one wouldn't let me pay any attention to the book but made me glance around, making sure no one was looking at what I was reading (since the train was quite full). Of course no one was paying attention because they were reading their own books/newspapers/magazines, except some guy across the aisle from me. But then again, he could've just been looking at the window to see what station we were at. I know the whole thing is pathetic. I just ended up putting the book back in my bag and staring into space.

I paid attention in my lecture today without being too distracted by pointless thoughts that come to my head. (Exchanging stupid comments about the lecture with Lauren doesn't count).

Silvia (a girl from school who has a personality of Holden from "Catcher In The Rye") was with Claudia so had to stop and talk to her for a while, while my uni friends have gone. So I ended up walking to the station by myself.

Jason (the quiet genius) was the only guy (from our group) at today's and yesterday's lecture so he's always with us now. I'm trying to become friends with him 'cause I'd like some guy friends and since he's quiet, it's relatively easy to talk to him (in the sense that he's not going to argue with anything I say). I know he has heaps of guy friends (whom I might like) so I need him to feel comfortable with me so he could invite me out with his friends. Deep down, I know it's never going to happen because he's too shy and I talk too much when I'm around quiet people so they might feel a bit intimidated, just like I feel when I'm around really loud people. Oh well, being friendly can't hurt.

E-mail From Emma

Just got an email from Emma telling about application forms for next year's ODV. I don't really feel like going. It was a lot of fun but I can't be bothered. I only did it to meet lots of people, which I did but I don't keep in contact with any of them so meeting them all in the first place was quite uselss.

Wonder But Not Care

I wonder if Nadine is back... Did I say that she went overseas without telling me? I think I did. Well, I wonder what she's up to but I don't care. It's amazing really how much we've grown apart. We know almost nothing about each other's lives anymore when before we knew every single detail. I wonder if we'll ever be close friends again.

Mellow Monday: Part III

I just did the karma test on emode.com. Here's my result:

You seem to have a real knack for both understanding what people are going through and finding ways to support them during difficult times. By being a sensitive person with a keen sense of empathy, you can do much to alleviate others' pain. This has been an important way you've earned your karma up to this point. This kindness strengthens your current relationships but suggests it will come back to you positively in the future. Through your concerted efforts to care about and tend to the needs of others, you generate good karma for yourself and the universe.

Yeah right, I wish! Whoever writes these things is really good at making everything into a good thing.

Mellow Monday: Part II

Came back from tutoring and got a call to do an hour of market research on Friday for which I'm supposed to get paid quite a lot.

I think my book addiction is getting out of hand. I'm, like, obsessed with reading. I already had books from the library but I just had to go today again and get new books. And the worst is that I start them all at the same time. I have to almost force myself to not read them all at once.

Speaking of books, Helen Fielding is amazing. I love Bridget Jones. I watched the movie but I haven't read the books, until now. I'm reading the second one. It's hilarious. And Bridget Jones is a great character. She's is so likeable, even when she does really stupid things. Which I guess makes her funny. Anyway, I'm not very good at writing book reviews. When I like something, I just really like it. I don't like to think about why I do. I just do. Analysing things sometimes ruins them. That is probably why when I studied books at school, I found them boring.

Maeve Binchy is also really good. She has a way of drawing you into the lives of characters so much that you feel like they are real.

I still have to finish Harry Potter.

So many books, so little time.

Anyway, I'm in a hopeful mood right now. I think something really interesting might happen this semester...

Mellow Monday

Uni has started again. After I got over the injustice of having a lecture at 9am, I was quite excited to see everyone again. I think I underestimated the people at uni. They are not as boring as I previously thought.

At the lecture, a guy sat next to me that had a face of a 15 year old. That completely distracted me and I started thinking that if he had the perfect personality, would I still want to go out with him. (I know it's not a possibility but it's still fun to think these things.) Then I thought that if a guy had the perfect looks and a really bad personality, then I know that there's no way that I'd go out with him but why is it that the other way around, it causes more confusion?

A guy behind me kept sniffing. I couldn't decide if I should've given him a tissue because not only was it annoying to me, but it must've not been very comfortable for him either. Wondered how I would feel if the situation was reversed and decided against it because I didn't want to embarrass him.

After the lecture, Claudia had an hour before her next lecture and I was finished for the day so kept her company. Passing on Amelia's kindness from last semester. Speaking of which, her grandmother died. It's horrible. I never had to deal with these sorts of situations before. I don't know if she wants to be left alone or be distracted. I don't want to ask her 'cause she usually doesn't like to talk about emotional kind of stuff. And neither do I which makes the whole situation quite awkward. I'll probably try to see her this week. I don't know if I should ignore the whole subject and pretend like everything's the same or if I should mention it. I don't think I'll be very good at this kind of thing. Well, I just want to see her and make sure she's all right (which is unlikely). Well, she's a strong person so she will be all right eventually.

I went to the libaray after uni. Not the local one that I usually go to but the next near one. I really wanted to get the Adrian Mole series because it was the only library that had all of them, but when I got there, most of them were taken out! How annoying, especially that they were all there just last week. Well, at least I found 2 books that I wanted to read for a while now so I was happy.

One of the workers there was such a bitch. She kept yelling at an old man because he didn't return his books on time, as if he was some school child. Then she kept talking to me as if I was 5: "Sweetie, you have to go here and do this. This is how you stamp your books, dear, on your way out. Yes, just under here. Now give me that, I'll do it for you. Thank you sweetie. Buh-bye!" What the hell?!!

There was a cute guy there who made up for the woman's rudeness, though. I wonder what kind of person would work in a library... I love books but I never would as a full-time job.

I was supposed to meet April afterwards but she had to stay back at uni so came home and started on my online course.

Soon I'll have to go and tutor. I'm so tired of it. Don't feel like it at all, but I can't be lazy 'cause I need the money.

Well, yesterday was really good. Went out with April and Claudia. We laughed so hard, other people thought we were drunk and kept glancing at us like we were crazy. Not that we cared. I got the worst hiccups from laughing which made everyone stare at us even more. Also since they didn't know what we were talking about and could only hear bits, kept giving us weird looks.

We also got some free movie tickets for a movie that hasn't been released yet, to go and review it so they can make any changes if needed. That should be interesting...

In A Bad Mood: Flow of Thoughts

I'm in a bad mood now. I'm not even sure why exactly. I think it's just lots of little things piling up.

The good thing about being in a bad mood is that soon it should improve.

I'm just annoyed mainly about jobs. I want to get a good retail job but that's not happening very fast and meanwhile I need money. I can get more tutoring jobs (which I was just offered today) but the thing with tutoring jobs is that if I get one, I can't just quit whenever I'll get a better job.

It'd be good to first get a retail job (since that will take up most of my free time) and then fit the tutoring jobs round that (which is what I did last semester). The retail jobs that I applied for are Coles Myer ones and they take ages to get a reply from. If I get any of them, I don't want to do tutoring. It's a lot more work than the hour where I tutor the kid. I have to be prepared for the lesson and that takes time (for which I don't get paid). I'm lucky the mother of the girl that I'm tutoring now is paying me more than the agency said I'm entitled to. She said that she understands that it's hard work and I deserve it. She's heaps nice, although she doesn't care about her child's work as much as the mother of the kids that I tutored last year. Well, I'm not complaining about her.

Also with my new timetable, getting retail work will be quite difficult. I have no days off and every days is only a couple of hours in the middle of the day which sucks. I could probably combine all the hours into 3 days. Claudia is going to be in 2 of my lectures again. That's going to make them a bit more bearable.

I hope I'll get to meet some new people. I need some proper uni friends. Usually uni students mainly hang out with uni friends, unlike me who's glued to my high school friends (although some of them go to my uni so I guess I could call them uni friends too). For some reason I just can't find people at uni to whom I could really relate to. My high school friends make it really hard for anyone to measure up. Sure the people that I hang out with at uni are pretty cool but they are not the most interesting people. They are too normal.

Well, there's always hope since I met Amelia, Claudia and Christine in year 8 and we didn't become really good friends straight away and I met April in year 9. I became really good friends with her straight away. It felt like I knew her for ages since the day I met her. So I might meet someone really interesting next year or I might become better friends with people that I already know. My course is too short to make good friends. I'm one of those people who takes ages to make friends with people but once I do, I'm usually really close friends with them for a long time. If I'm picky with choosing friends, no wonder I'm so picky about finding RG.

Max is leaving. Do I care? Not sure. He's coming back in a few months but I'm just tired of stretching this net thing for so long. I just want to have a couple of proper conversations with him on the phone and then meet him and get it over and done with. I'm not a very patient person. I don't want to hang on to something that is pointless.

Other Uni. Bowling. BBQ. Possible Trip.

So the sleepover thing was off 'cause Christine's parents' business still has renovations going on. Oh well. We went out anyway. First I went to April's and Christine's uni with them which was fun. It's heaps different to my one. I've only been there a couple of times before. I wanted to see a short film that April made but it wasn't on the computer anymore. I guess I'll have to see the bad quality one on the CD. After that, April and I met up with Claudia and went bowling. That was more fun than I thought. The place was completely empty at first. I've perfected my great technique of getting strikes which is throwing the ball as far as possible down the middle of the lane and letting it roll the rest of the way. The less distance it has to roll, the less of the chance of it going to the side.

Then we went to April's house because it's right next to the place where we were supposed to meet the others later. Stayed there for a while and then went to eat at a BBQ place, which was quite interesting because it's a buffet of raw meat which you take and barbeque at your table. I guess it saves money on chefs.

Beth, Ellen and Georgia came as well. I don't get Beth anymore. Ever since she went overseas for a year, she's not the same person. We were all really close to her in high school but now that she found new friends, she doesn't find us as fun anymore. I don't know why she even came, she talked on her phone almost the whole time. Ellen is all right. She used to hang out with us in high school too. Some people find her fake but that's because they haven't met any really fake people. The weird (but good) thing was that Georgia didn't really bother me. What she usually does is whenever I'm talking, she'll interrupt and change the subject. But yesterday, every time she tried to do that, everyone ignored her, and Ellen didn't even look at her when she was talking. But that's not really surprising because Georgia was being really mean to her in front of all of us. I don't understand why Claudia had to invite her. Maybe she felt sorry for her. I didn't even know she'd be coming until Christine told me at uni. Thanks for the warning. Christine doesn't like her either.

Amelia, unfortunately, couldn't come because her grandmother is in hospital because she either had a stroke or pneumonia (Claudia couldn't remember when she talked to her). I'll try to call Amelia tonight to see how she is. I hope she's all right.

Next year, I might be going to the snow with Christine and Claudia (and April and Amelia if they can come). Christine said that she and her sister were planning on renting a house there and it's for 10 people so her sister was going to bring her friends and she was going to take us. I don't really like skiing but I want to go anyway. It'd be a lot of fun. And it's not too expensive so it won't go too much into my savings to go to America (which I'm not even sure I'll be going).

Heaven In Hell

Warning: Religious people may find this offensive.

In the morning, just before my exam, instead of going through the topics in my head, I started thinking about heaven and hell. Don't ask me why, it just came around somehow. Anyway, although I don't believe in either, I thought that if there was one, I'd much rather go to hell. Think about it, all the 'perfect' people who have blind faith in God and try to be saintly will go to heaven and the rest (i.e. the fun people) will be in hell (since religious people believe that people who don't believe in God will go to hell). Hence, heaven will be a boring place full of hypocrites, while hell would be just like earth, only without the boring hypocrites.

For the religious people who lost to temptation and read the last paragraph, and who now think I'm a horrible/stupid person for saying that, I just want to say that I'm sorry you feel that way because I find it extremely naive to have blind faith in something that most likely doesn't exist.

It's interesting that the idea of God came about as a scientific reason for the way nature works. Now, after people have proven scientific reasons for nature, some people still believe in God. And no, the Bible is not proof that He exists.

Yes, I'm sure all you religious people think that I will go to hell for writing all of this. Well, I just can't wait!

Mothers And Daughters. Max Makes An Appearance. Friends.

My Mum has been acting really weird lately. Well, actually since Thursday. After I got home and generally told her about my day and what my friends are up to, she said, "We should go out together sometime". In my head I was like, "Where did that come from?!" but all I could do was start giggling. She said, "Seriously, why not? We should go to lunch or something and have a, you know, heart-to-heart..." That just cracked me up even more. I couldn't believe she was saying something like that. The only time I go somewhere with my Mum is when we go shopping. I started to get suspicious that maybe she wanted to talk about something specific with me but she denied that, saying why can't we just go somewhere together.

Then, because I mentioned earlier about Christine's family/boyfriend predicament, she somehow twisted the conversation about my non-existent boyfriend and how she can understand that Christine's parents want her to be with a guy with the same nationality because she wouldn't be happy if I married a Chinese guy. The thing that parents just don't seem to understand is that a nationality does not make a person. Christine's boyfriend is a weirdo (in my opinion) not because he's Italian but because he just is. I don't understand why Christine's parents don't like him because he's not Chinese when there are so many other reasons to dislike him. It's the same thing with my Mum. I told her not to worry because I'm not attracted to Asian guys. It's funny that Christine isn't either, although she is Asian herself. So it's not just me.

Anyway, Mum said that she knows a woman who has a son and she’ll introduce us. At first I told her no because that’s too embarrassing and she doesn’t even know him. He might be a complete creep but my Mum would rather I met up with a stranger (with the same nationality than went out with a guy that I know but with a different nationality (if there was one). But then I thought, why not? Can’t do any harm.

Just as I was actually starting to look forward to meeting the guy, Max decides to message me. Honestly, I’m getting a bit tired of ‘he talks to me, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks to me, he doesn’t talk to me, he talks… etc…’. Make up your mind already! On the other hand, I don’t have to put any effort into keeping contact with him. I talk to him when I want to. My attitude towards it now is: whatever happens, happens. No more of going insane.

Anyway, I might be going to see a musical with my Mum sometime soon since she really wants to spend time with me. Not sure why. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself to be quite close with my Mum, although sometimes we clash in personalities but we're not exactly like from "Gilmore Girls". I'm not friends with my Mum, like some people are. It’s just I wonder what brought all of this on. I think she started showing signs of this at the time of my operation. So maybe that’s it. Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t complain. When I was younger and had really bad fights with her, all I wanted was for her to be like she is now.

Tomorrow is my exam. Wish me luck!

After that I’m seeing my friends. We’re all going to stay the night at Christine’s parents’ business because it’s near the place that we’re going to beforehand. Who said sleepovers are only for teenagers? Last time we had one was last year, around this time of year. It was the best fun. We stayed up all night, talking about everything.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if the five of us shared an apartment. We’d probably drive each other crazy after a while but it would be a lot of fun.

Amelia is probably going to move out soon because she’s been talking about it for quite a while. She wants me to move in with her because she can’t afford anything by herself and she doesn’t want to live with strangers but I’m quite happy where I am at the moment. No one is ever home when I’m here. My brother has the biggest social life (which my parents know almost nothing about and try to get stuff out of me, but what Andrew tells me in private stays private, unlike my parents who would probably tell everyone, which is why neither of us tell them much.).

Last Friday, he went out with 9 girls and was the only guy!!! He didn’t actually know that before he went. Lucky guy! He said he was a bit embarrassed but then realised that it’s unlikely to happen too often and took the advantage of the situation. Good boy.

It got me thinking that in those type of situations (where you’re the only one of your gender in a group), it’s better to be a guy because you wouldn’t feel as left out as a girl in a group of guys, simply because girls are easier to chat with than guys since they talk about a large variety of topics and it would be a lot easier to join in. Whereas guys don’t talk about much (in my experience) which makes it harder to contribute to the conversation. Last time I was at uni in a group of lots of guys, all they talked about was rugby teams and getting really drunk on the weekend. Exciting stuff!

Does anyone have any opinions about this?

Downhill

My day started off so well...

I met up with my friends whom I haven't seen together for a while and we had a great time hanging out, being childish, as usual. It was supposed to be a surprise birthday outing for Claudia. It was really funny because she saw April before we jumped out from behind the column. A guard was standing next to us, looking at us really suspiciously while we were 'hiding'. I'm glad she liked all our presents and I'm sure the whole day made up for the lateness.

I found out something interesting. It turns out that Chistine knows the family (that were my managers at the bookstore)! And Peter (the son) is only 2 years older than me! What a jerk he was -- pretending that he was heaps older so he could boss me around! I thought he was around 27. Now I can see how it's even funnier when he thought I was in high school and realised that he was only a couple of years older. Christine said that he was in her sister's class and he used to walk her to school when she was little. Aww..... :)

When we were going back, guess who I saw?! Or should I say saw me? Amy. She was all hugging me and going, "How are you?!!" in a disgustingly fake tone. I couldn't help but replicate the same tone, "Good! How are you?!" Christine and April (who were there at the time) were looking at me really strangely 'cause they're not used to me talking like that. I asked Amy how the group get together was and she looked really pleased and said, "Well, we postponed it to another day." Did she think that it would really upset me that she didn't tell me?! I was actually happy that she was getting the hint that I dont want to see them ever again. I had a bit of an urge to tell her that the reason I couldn't come to the planned get together was because I was recovering from an operation. That would've made her feel really guilty but I'm above that. It doesn't make me feel any better if she's upset or not because I simply do not care.

Now, I'm really stressing about the exam that I have to make up for because for some stupid reason the department didn't get my special consideration forms and I can't do the exam without those.

A Whole Old World

After a week of being at home, 'recovering' from my operation, I got extremely bored (as expected) and decided it was time to remember what the world outside looks like. I met up with Amelia (and her cousins who came from France) and hung out with them in the City.

I had a huge headache that just wouldn't go away since yesterday so it kept bugging me all day and ruining the fun.

We ended up finally getting a birthday present for Claudia (a month after her birthday) which we probably should give to her sometime before her next birthday. Poor girl hasn't got any presents from her closest friends yet. I would be very offended if it happened to me. I suggested that we take her out and give her a small surprise birthday party to make up for it. April said that we can tell her that the reason we're giving her a surprise party a month after her birthday is because otherwise it wouldn't have been such a big surprise. She can be funny. Speaking of April, I wonder what she's been up to... Maybe she got a new job and has been busy with that. I don't know why she didn't call last week. I think I might call her after my headache goes away.

Laughing Out Loud

I watched "Camera Trap" tonight for the first time. (For those who don't live in Australia or actually have plans on a Saturday night, it's basically about playing jokes on the unsuspecting public and then showing it to people who have nothing better to do than watch other people getting weirded out.) It was actually quite hilarious. Not too bad for Saturday night television.

It made me start thinking about all the different forms of entertainment that made me laugh out loud. The first one that came to my head is "Friends" because it never fails to at least make me smile. Then "Getting Over It" by Anna Maxted made me laugh out loud (which is quite rare for a book to do). It's not exactly very deep and full of literary meanings and can easily be passed as a light summer read but I've enjoyed it a lot more than other books (that are considered to be more meaningful). There was also the short lived "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment" which was quite hilarious at the beginning but then got a bit monotonous. "The Camera Trap" is actually quite similar but more creative. Also, some of the forwards that I get in my mail are really funny. I might post some.

The reason I'm writing about all this is because it'd be great if you told me what makes you laugh out loud (on my message board in this topic).

Dear Bravenet,

I'm glad you have thought about what I said and I can assure you that you came to the right conclusion. I knew you would.

Now that we're on speaking terms again, I would like to nicely ask you if it would be possible for you to show not only the last 5 visitors, but 50, just like you used to do before, and I'd really like the pretty green numbers back too. That would really be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Sky

Dear Bravenet,

What the hell happened to my counter?!!! If you don't come to your senses and start showing my visitors' IPs again (so I can make sure that no one who's not supposed to be reading my blog isn't), I will have to get another one. That is a threat!

If this is some lame way of trying to get people to pay, you are making a very big mistake that I'm sure you will undoubtfully regret.

I hope you will think about your decision very carefully and realise that it was not a smart move.

Sincerely,
Sky

I'm on a roll today. I found yet another readable blog. This one is a bit like regular columns in magazines/newspapers. The writer even admitted herself (might be himself) that her(his) entries sound like from "Sex and the City".

I found another cute journal that's just been started.

How cute is this?!!

Tragedies

I have been reading Katie's journal since the end of last year and I always thought of it as an ongoing novel (not a real person's life) but now something happened that is so typically fictional that I'm finding it very hard to believe that it's actually a very sad and tragic reality. (Her boyfriend died after she broke up with him although she loved him but just wanted some freedom to go out with other guys while she was still young.) I just can't get my head around that what happened to her is completely horrible. I feel really sad for her and can't even imagine what she's going through. What a horrible weight she must carry on her shoulders knowing that she didn't part with the person she loved on happy terms and then he died and she didn't tell him how much she loved him. Could there be anything worse than that? I hope not.

Speaking of tragedies, how terrible is it that those siamese twins both died right before the end of their surgery? I don't know why but I thought that everything would turn out good and that they'd both live.

I really should stop believing in happy endings in real life.

Nothing

I have absolutely nothing to write about but I'm writing anyway. I have been at home for the last few days since when I walk I look a like a 90 year old. I'm getting better though.

For some reason I feel anxious for something to happen. It's as if I know that something interesting will happen in the next 6 months, just like the last 6 months have been relatively eventful.

When one door closes another opens.

I'm a bit excited about looking for a new job because that means I'll get to meet new people and that's always fun. Also next semester I have all new classes which means meeting even more new people.

Max hasn't emailed for almost 2 weeks which is fine with me because I'm back to my normal self.

After The Operation

Well, I'm back without my gallbladder and gallstones. Good riddance. I could go into the details of my hospital stay but that would be boring for you to read and for me to write.

It turned out that it's not that rare for people my age to have this problem because there was a girl who's also 19 who had the exact same thing. She stayed in the same room as me. That was kinda good because I had someone to complain about the whole thing with, who completely understood. And it was good to have someone to just talk with after I started to get bored lying in bed for a whole day.

The only major difference between her and me was that she has a 5 months old child. I can't even imagine having a child at 19. The child's father is also her boyfriend who she lives with which is really good. When he came to visit her, I couldn't believe how young he looked. Both of them also sounded like such teenagers (which they are). Kids having kids is just too weird.

Although, if I got married now to a guy who already had a job, I'd llike to have a kid maybe in a year or 2. Yes, I'm weird too. But I'd only have one if we were in a financially stable situation. The reason I don't think it's not a bad idea having kids in early 20s is because it's great for a child to have young parents. My Mum had me when she was 22 and I absolutely love the fact that she's younger than all the other parents of people my age. And she didn't sacrifice her career or anything else to have me and my brother (who she had 2 and a half years later). So if she could do it, why can't everyone else?

While I was in hospital, I was wondering about what kind of person you have to be to want to be a nurse. The nurses were absolutely amazing considering they had to clean up after everyone and help people do basic things like adjusting beds and helping them walk to the toilet. And their horrible shifts. The young guy that looked after the room that I was in had to be there all evening, night and the following morning, and then come back the same evening to do all the tedious things again. And he was still cheerful! And unlike the other nurses who only came if you buzzed them, he came all the time to ask how we were and he stayed and talked as well. That minimized the boredom of staying there so much and it made the stay so much more comfortable because let's face it, who wants to stay in hospital?

Well, I'm glad to be home (where everyone is fussing too much over me) although my stomach is still quite sore. I decided to use this time to start getting my portfolio together so I can look for a proper graphic/web design job. All morning I've been teaching myself how to use Illustrator because lots of jobs need that skill. I can only use Photoshop properly but it's a bit different. Lots of jobs also need the skills of Quark (Xpress) but I can't find anyone who has the program. Well, at least I'm doing something useful with my time.

Before The Operation

On one hand, I'm glad my operation is tomorrow so I can have 3 weeks of holidays afterwards (instead of uni) but on the other, this is the time when everyone is going to go out. There's going to be a really good party tomorrow! There hasn't been one for a while and out of all days it has to be tomorrow!!! I know I'm being childish but this is NOT fair!

I haven't told anyone that I'm having my operation tomorrow, the same day as my exam. I hope my uni friends won't realise that I'm not there, otherwise they might get worried. And they won't be able to reach me because it's not like I'd be able to have my mobile with me.

I haven't told my school friends either although I thought about telling them. I just don't see the point. Only Amelia and April know that I'm supposed to have it. They just don't know when.

Nadine doesn't even know I have gallstones. I don't even want to talk to her. Just thinking about her makes me mad. I don't know how I ever tolerated her.

I got a message from Amy to have dinner with the rest of 'the group' next Tuesday. I don't want to go and now I have an excuse. I just don't feel like acting polite and pretending to have always been great friends when we never were. Insincerity makes me sick. I can't stand the whole fakeness of it all.

I don't even know why Amy is organising it. Maybe because she's lonely and wants to pretend that everyone was close friends with each other and because we were their closest friends in high school, which would completely not apply to me, we should keep in contact. My mum thinks that I should stay in touch with them because you never know if I might need these connections later but I'm so over that because the only reason I hung out with them in the fist place is because I thought that by knowing them, I'll meet great new friends (since most of the people in 'the group' are quite outgoing). After I realised that it's never going to happen, I stopped trying to keep in touch with them. I'd much rather just hang out with my close not-so-outgoing real friends. At least they know how to not take everything so seriously sometimes.

Just thinking about my friends makes me miss them. I haven't seen them (apart from Amelia) for a few weeks now. We were supposed to meet up this weekend but April has an exam on Monday so she can't make it, Amelia is working and I will just come home from the hospital so we're not meeting up then. I'll probably see them next week then. Can't wait.

Dream
I've had a new recurring dream lately. I've been dreaming of cats or more specifically kittens. The dream always starts out with me feeling really happy because the kittens are so cute but then I get frusrated at how difficult it is to take care of them. I have no idea what that could possible mean.

Bad

Well, yesterday wasn't one of my favourite days.

Got a call at 10:30 from the hospital, asking me why I wasn't there for the pre-admission tests for my operation on Thursday. I told them that I didn't get any papers in the mail telling me to come. The lady told me that I had to be there before 12. I rushed all the way there and got there just before 12. When I told the receptionist, she told me to take a seat and relax.

I had to wait for 2 freaking hours!!! I was the last patient for the doctor and the nurse that I saw and they made sure I knew I that, which irritated me because although they wanted to go home, didn't mean that they had to rush everything just to quickly get rid of me.

When I got home, I got my reference from the bookstore. If I didn't hate them enough before, I really hate them now! For heaven's sake, they wok in a bookstore, don't they know how to write?!!! Every little good thing was made into a bad thing. For example, instead of saying that I was a casual bookseller, they wrote that I was a 'probationary bookseller'. That makes it sound like I'm a criminal on parole. Was it really that necessary to add 'probationary'?! The whole thing was like that. It sounded more like a school report, not a work reference. Did they forget how many books I sold even when the managers told the customers that they couldn't help them? No wonder their business is on the road to bankruptcy. Didn't they learn anything from the 25 years that they ran it? Obviously not.

Then I got mad at Dad because he never listens to what anyone says and then says really stupid and hurtful things.

The highlight of my day was watching "Room For Improvement" because there's was nothing else on. I never knew that lifestyle shows are so effective in taking your mind off everything.