I'm back. I just got an e-mail from the person who bookmarked this site. For some reason I can't reply to your e-mail. Send me your e-mail address and I'll try again. I'm so excited that I have a regular reader!

Ok, I'll get over it. But it's SOOOOO great!!!

Anyway, tomorrow is Christine's party. I doubt I'll meet RG but who knows. I can always hope... Not that hope does any good.

Regular Reader (and it's not me)

Guess what?!!! Somone has bookmarked this page!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I'm so excited that someone wants to keep coming back here. You know who you are. And I know who you are. Well, just your service provider. E-mail me because I have to ask you something. I can't stay online too long now because I'm expecting a call but I will be back.

Secrets

Yesterday was one of my 'talk on the phone' days. Nadine called me which is always nice, especially that I've seen her on Sunday. What was even nicer is that she told me a lot of things that I didn't know about and I don't think anyone else does either. Since I respect her privacy, I will not divulge what she told me. I'll just say that something was happening with her at the beginning of high school that I really didn't realise, although if I look back on it now, I realise that it was quite obvious. All the little pieces fit together in a perfect little puzzle.

It's weird how I think that I really know Nadine when there are so many things that I don't. I used to tell her everything but I guess my secrets weren't as secret as hers so there wasn't as much at stake. It makes me feel really good that she can share this stuff with me, even if it's years afterwards. I like how now she's really honest about that stuff and it's easy to get answers to some of my questions that I wouldn't dream asking anyone else. I really don't know why I used to be jealous of her so much. Her life was nowhere near perfect, although that's how she made it out to be.

One of her friends (who she calls her best friend) is sufferring from depression and anorexia and it's really getting to Nadine. I can fully understand. People pay so much attention to the people that are actually depressed that they don't realise how much strain people that are around the sick person are under.

I remember when Amy had depression, I kept getting really irritated because I didn't know how to act around her. It was hard to be supportive of someone who was behaving so unreasonably. I just wanted to tell her to get over it and move on. Everyone gets sad at one stage or another but people just deal with it themselves. I used to get depressed a lot but I didn't let it take over my life. I know some people can't help themselves which was what irritated me so much. Why did I have to be responsible for someone else's happiness? That just didn't seem fair. If you were in a similar situation, what did you do and how did you feel?

We talked about that for a while. It's easy to support someone like Nadine because she is feeling reasonably and it's nice to talk to someone who's been in a similar position. After that she told me about herself. I was glad that she could talk so openly to me about it.

I also had a three way conversation with April and Emma. They are both so funny. We were talking about how different Christine's way of looking at things is compared to us. Every time I talk about someone behind their backs, I feel extremely guilty. Yet I can't stop myself. I wish I wasn't so interested in analysing people with others. I wouldn't like it if people were doing the same about me. I'd want to know what they'd be saying about me. It's not like we say bad things. We just talked about how everyone is so different and that it's great to be able to still be liked by people who know your bad points.

I'm just always so intrigued by people and relationships that it's like talking about your hobby. This probably doesn't sound very nice but that's one of my bad points. How do you feel about people and do you think it's wrong to talk about someone behind their back, even if you're not saying anything bad?

Telemarketing Techniques

I really don't like telemarketers. Usually they just want to talk to my parents so I just tell them that they are not there but yesterday was different.

Ring ring
me: hello?
telemarketers: Can I speak to Mr or Mrs Space?
me: they are not here. Can I take a message?
telemarketer: well, can I speak to someone who's over 18?
me: that's me
telemarketer: really?! You don't sound over 18
me: I am 18

Halfway through, before I realise exactly what he's selling, I say that I'm on my way out.
telemarketer: This won't take long

telemarketer: well, [starts reading off something along the lines of "Babies are dying of heart disease and we need your money"]

What was I supposed to say then? I had a strong urge to just hang up on him but I felt guilty because all these babies were dying because I don't want to donate. When he finished reading, I told him that we were already donating and hung up.

What if the guy was collecting money for something else and was just making people feel guilty? Stupid telemarketers.

I actually wouldn't mind working as one. All I'd have to do is read off something and wait for people to be rude to me and hang up. Sounds pretty easy. Dad told me next time to just say, "Sorry but I can't help you" because it doesn't sound too rude. I'll try it next time. Or maybe I'll just pretend to be under 18.

I'm Buzzing Inside

“Every time you took a risk, no matter what the outcome was, you were always glad that you took it’
- JD, Scrubs (not accurately)

I just came back from ODV camp. It was absolutely worth it!

Before I go into the long (mainly boring to you) details of my trip, I'll pose a few questions. (Oh my gosh! This is starting to sound like some lecture notes.)

1. Why do I like having Nadine around when she can make such a fool out of herself in public, yet still intrigue people with her personality?
2. Why do I all of a sudden become friends with good looking girls that guys adore?
3. Why can't I carry long conversations with guys?
4. Why do I freeze up with certain people that I don't even want to impress?
5. Why can I make such good introductory conversations, yet not know what to say to people after that?
6. Why is it that becoming friends with someone depends on the time and place where you meet the person?

Now, what happened...

Nadine's phone call
On Friday morning (the day I was supposed to leave), Nadine called me to tell me that she was coming too. She got called that morning because lots of people dropped out. I was glad she was coming because it meant I would have someone to talk to and that's a nice relaxing feeling that I needed to get rid of my nervousness. I helped her pack over the phone which I know she was grateful for.

Rain, rain and more rain
I carried a heavy bag to the train station in pouring rain and we (the bag and I) got drenched even though I was wearing a rain coat. There hasn't been rain in months so of course when I need clear weather it decides to pour.

The beginning
Nadine met me at the station so we walked to the meeting place together. As soon as we got there I saw Linda, I went to talk to her and her friend (Simone) who turns out to know Talia (a family friend that my family went on a holiday with earlier this summer). Simone is pretty cool because she's one of those people that I find really easy to be with. Meanwhile Nadine went to surprise her friends with her presence.

Then I saw Emma (a school friend) and sat in the train with her and her friend, Megan who is very easy-going (like most other people that I met). (Megan's friend, David, was also there.) Then on the ferry we sat with Connie and Lara (who knows Emma). Connie is this red haired freckled girl who was pretty quiet and Lara seemed to be one of those people that I straight away assume were popular in high school and am a bit prejudiced towards them because I don't like those sorts of people. She also turned out to live in the suburb next to mine! What a coincidence.

Cabin groups
I was in the same cabin as Lara, Connie, Simone and Emily (a very well-spoken girly girl who is strangely nice to everyone). (By 'strangely nice' I meant that I can feel that she can be a real pain if you get to know her. She reminded me of Amy [a girl in high school who at first is overly nice to everyone, but can be a real bitch if you hurt her in some way. She got depression at the end of high school and would get upset by things that normal people don't get upset about. Her low self-esteem really got to me because it felt like she was trying to make herself feel good by making me feel bad. Anyway, that's another story]).

The way we chose cabins was by us walking into the same room. The cabins were in pairs, ie two rooms (with 2 bunk beds each) were joined by a door and separated by a wall in the middle, if that makes sense. The girls and guys were separated into different blocks and our block was all girls but the guys' block had some girls. One of those girls (who was also in my team) kept saying how stupid it is to separate guys and girls since everyone is adults and that she lived with her boyfriend for three years and as if she's going to sleep with some guy. It kind of made me sad again to know that people my age already live with their long-term partners and I never even had a boyfriend (of any sort). One guy, Ned, kept coming to our adjoinning cabin to see his girlfriend. It was really sweet. It made Lara say, "I can't wait to see my boy". I wish I could say something like that but I have no 'boy' to miss. Life sucks.

Little possibility?
After we were fed a nice dinner (which started my unhealthy food weekend), we played a number of games in our teams (that everyone was put in). I only met my team mates one time before. There were these three hilarious guys that were really entertaining. They do Law and maybe some other degree. One guy, Owen, the more outspoken of the three I thought would be pretty cool to go out with. It was weird for me think that since it was pretty obvious that he was very confident, unlike myself. Still I thought he wasn't too 'out there' and we exchanged a few words where I tried to demonstrate my wit and my cool.

I met lots more people during the evening. I realised by then that I'm one of those people that is just not meant to be with a guy since I can't keep up a conversation with a guy. It actually depressed me quite a bit since there were so many interesting guys but I just couldn't talk with them properly.

Girl talk
Before going to bed, we sat around in our cabin talking. It was really nice to talk with interesting people. I actually liked Lara because shes seemed like an intelligent and nice person. We even talked about guys. Lara has a boyfriend (of two and a half years) who she obviously really loves because although they see each other every day, she already missed him. That made me feel sad that I didn't have a guy to miss and think about. A girl from our adjoining cabin, Claire, also joined in.

Sleepless
I only slept for about 2 hours because I couldn't get to sleep since people in the adjoinning cabin were talking. Then a mosquito kept buzzing near my ear and biting me. Then there was a really loud storm. It was also really hot.

Saturday morning
During breakfast Nadine kept running around letting people know how she feels about having children. She overdramatises everything and this was no exception. I was surprised that her views didn't offend anyone. I met Nadine's friends, Kirsten, the one that she's going to America with, the one Nadine said is a lot like her. She was all right but I didn't really connect with her so we didn't talk much.

Free time
In the afternoon we had lots of free time. Some people went swimming and some played tennis. I sat around with a few others and chatted. All these girl talks that we seemed to have a lot of during the camp made me want a boyfriend so much that it hurt. It also made me realise how weird I must be if so many people find someone while I can't. There must be something extremely wrong with me if I can't get a boyfriend. On the other hand though, I was getting along with people that are really normal and have boyfriends and lots of friends (unlike my close friends who are more like me). If they can relate to me and like talking with me, I can't be that strange. What the hell is wrong?!!!

Saturday Night
After dinner we had some games and then we danced. I got over wanting to go out with Owen 'cause he got drunk. This other guy from my team, Drew, who I thought I could become friends with since he seemed pretty quiet turned out to be really hard to talk to. He didn't dance at all, he just stood around. The weird thing was that whenever he could see me I got all tense and couldn't dance properly. I don't know why since I didn't care what he thought.

After getting all hot and sweaty from dancing, I went outside to talk to a group of people. We sat around in a circle talking about stupid things. Claire was telling this guy how he looks like Hugh Grant and he was sitting there all smug about it like it's a good thing to have a vacant face expression all the time. He actually wasn't as bad as Hugh Grant. He was better looking.

In the cabin, Lara was saying how some guy was trying to pick her up and she was so unused to that because she has a boyfriend. So? The guy didn't know that. The guy was also a complete sleaze so I guess it would be quite gross. She was also saying how much fun the whole night was with which I agree completely. It felt a bit like primary school camp which was great since I love being a kid.

That night I slept perfectly.

Time to go
On Sunday morning, we all packed up, had breakfast and everyone was taking photos of each other and each other's phone numbers. I hope we'll stay in touch. Lara was saying how when we'll get our timetables we should figure out when we can catch the same train and that we should all meet up. That would be nice.

On the ferry I talked with Emma about everything and everyone. It's always nice to talk to people that you've known for a long time. I first met her in year 8 and we gradually became friends. Although I don't see her often, every time that I do, we never seem to drift apart and always find things to talk about.

On the train I sat with Lara and Connie. Lara kept telling me all the local places that she hangs out with her friends but I told her that since my friends don't live locally, I don't hang out there. I didn't say that we don't really go out at night that often anyway so I probably don't even know that many places in the City either. It's hard to explain that your friends don't see the point in going out every weekend. I wish my friends were more outgoing...

While we were talking, a guy in the seat near our one joined in after his friend and Connie got off. He mainly talked to Lara, almost completely ignoring me. What is it about her that all guys like? It's like Sandra all over again, except I think I like Lara more. Then one guy (who was getting off) walked past us and told Lara that during the train ride the two guys at the other side of the carriage were talking about her and he kept looking at me strangely while he was telling her this. Lara was all, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed now". And I was like, in my head, "I shouldn't be so surprised". Too bad I didn't get a look to see who the guys were.

When I went to the platform to catch the train that was on my line, I was hoping to catch the train with someone from camp but there was no one. Lara got a lift from her boyfriend. Lucky girl. Not because she got a lift but because she has a boyfriend to give her a lift. I don't know why but I felt her happiness at seeing her boyfriend again.

Nice surprise
Then I saw Ned (the guy whose girlfriend was in the adjoining cabin), I was so surprised that he lived on the same train line. It turned out that he went to a school that was near mine and he knows Jacqui (a girl that I used to hang out with at school and sometimes see her). It was so weird. I've seen the guy all through camp (although I didn't talk to him much) and he turns out to live near me. We talked on the train without awkward silences that I really can't stand which was nice. It cheered me up that I did end up having a proper conversation with a nice guy.

Dad picked me from the station which brought me back to my life. I think he got more grey hair on the weekend which I don't like because I don't want to have old parents. Not that he's old. I got a bit depressed that I was back (which I guess is normal) because you have to adjust back to your normal and boring life after a very fun weekend where I met so many new people. I felt like I haven't been home for ages because so many things happened.

The verdict?
Overall, it was a lot of fun that I really needed to break the monotony of my life. I am so glad that I went, although I did get quite nervous before going. Although I didn't get a boyfriend (which was my main aim) or guy friends (which was my second aim), I did make friends with lots of girls and did talk to some guys which is the whole point of the camp. Although making new friends is great, making acquaintances with people is not too bad either because that's how lots of friendships start and who knows, maybe I'll be friends with some of these people for a very long time.

Although I can't answer all the questions that I asked at the beginning of this entry, I did learn a few things. I learnt that the circumstances in which you meet a person are really important in determining if you will be friends with that person. For example, I'm sure that if I went to the same school as Lara, I probably wouldn't even talk to her but meeting at ODV camp where no one is judged on how you were before made us become friends. I'm definitely not as shy as I used to be. I can openly talk about almost anything and am confident in myself that even if I do say something stupid, I'm generally a nice and smart person and everyone will see that.

Also, with guys, although I'm still a bit shy, I don't think about everything that I say because if they don't like me, that's their problem and I wouldn't want to impress someone who doesn't like me. Not everyone can connect with everyone else.

The 'lack of boyfriend' issue is starting to burn really strongly but not the way it burnt before. Before I wanted a boyfriend because I was lonely and needed something that at least resembled having a life but now I want one because I want to share my life that I already have with someone else. A boyfriend would just be the icing on the cake. And I really like having the icing.

Intruder In The House

Yesterday I was watching Rove when out of the corner of my eye I saw something running along the wall. I dismissed it as a cockroach which I couldn't be bothered to get up and kill. Then it ran into the middle of the room and under the table. And I saw that it was no cockroach, it was a freaking mouse!!! I completely started to freak out. I had really crazy thoughts running through my head like "Can mice climb furniture?".

I woke my parents up to tell them because I was all freaked out and didn't switch the lights or the TV off and didn't want to go back in.

I can't believe I was so scared. I usually laugh at people who are scared of innocent little creatures. I think I was scared because it was so unexpected. I'm sure if I saw mice all the time, I would've been quite calm.

I remember when I was about 8 and went on a holiday with my grandma, she left me with a guy (a couple of years older) to keep me company one time. While I was with him, I had to go to the toilet. While I was inside the bathroom, I saw a little white mouse run along the wall. Did I scream? Maybe only internally. There was no way I was going to make the guy think I was some kind of wimp. When I came back to the room, I acted as if nothing happened. The reason I didn't freak out so much that time was because everyone knew there were little white mice in the bathroom and they were comletely harmless.

Yesterday, however, the mouse was brown and hairy. My Mum called some guy to come in tomorrow about the mice. He'll probably think I was hallucinating because the room that I saw the mouse in isn't even on the ground so I have no idea how it could've got there.

The weather outside is beautiful. It's dark and pouring and I'm inside. I love being inside on a dark rainy day. It's so atmospheric and mesmerising. You know what? Today is the first day that I'm actually grateful that I don't have to be at school. I never thought back to the days when I was at school and felt good not to have to be there. It's not that I felt bad, I just never looked back and stopped to think about it.

More About Me

I'm getting really addicted to writing in here. Since I have nothing interesting to write about, I'll fill in one of those forward surveys that I get a lot of in the mail. I can never be bothered to do them no matter how threatening they are (e.g. if you don't send this to at least a 1000 people in the next minute, you will have bad luck for the rest of your life). I found the following in an another blog, though.

This or that...
Nice smiles or nice eyes? the smile is in the eyes
Jeans or skirts? jeans
Boots or sneakers? nice boots make me look nicer
Natural or make-up? natural, make-up clogs up my pores
Restaurants or fast food? depends on the food
Italian food or Chinese? Italian... yum!
Dark or light eyes? dark (in a guy)
Streaked or dyed hair? streaked
Vampires or Gods? Vampires since Gods don't exist.
Shakespeare or Greek mythology? Greek mythology. What can I say, I like fairytales.
Drugs or cigarettes? I passionately hate both
Football or cheerleading? cheerleading of course since we don't have it in Australia
Cake or pie? how can I choose?! I love dessert! I guess anything as long as it's without cream.

How...
Do you want to die? painlessly when I'm very old and have lived a full life
Much time do you take to dress up? 5 minutes to actually put on my clothes but longer to choose what to wear
Do you like your life? sometimes
Often do you smile? when I'm happy or shy or trying to make people think that I know something they don't
Many times a week do you eat junk food? lately I've been trying to eat healthy

Do you..
Sing? out of tune. A little while ago I was teaching myself to sing. I actually improved but since I haven't practised in a while, my voice has gone back to the way it was.
Dance? whenever I can. I love it!
Laugh a lot? Sometimes too much.
Like spicy food? Not too spicy
Prefer bagels over yogurt? good idea! Never thought about it.
Have a boyfriend? I wish!
Want one? Of course! But only a good one.
Think babies are cute? yes! I love those cute little people
Children in general? Love them, since I can be such a child and can relate to them.
Believe in fortune cookies? I believe in cookies!
Believe in life after death? yep, but not my life. (i.e. after I'll die, people and other creatures will still live)
Believe in life after love? Of course
Believe that anything is possible? Not anything.
Believe that everyone has a purpose in life? I guess
Know what yours is? Never stopped to think about it.

Are...
You a girl? what kind of question is this?!
You a comedian? I can be sometimes
Your friends true friends in your opinion? yes
You bored? No, I just love doing these sort of things. Actually I do, you know!

Do You..
Believe in love at first sight: there's no such a thing.
Get along with your parents: sometimes
Think about suicide: nope
Think about homicide: no
Drink: non-alcohholic stuff for me. Can't stand the taste of alcohol.
Smoke: NO!!! Can't stand the stuff
Have Multiple Personalities: no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no...

Well, that was fun! If you want me to answer any question, just email me.

Confessions of a Bookaholic

Have I ever told you that I'm a book addict? No? Well, I am. Once I start reading, I can't stop. Fortunately I don't buy books, I just borrow them from the library. My local library has had a visit from it's fairy godmother recently because last week when I went to visit it with its usual shelves with only the books that no one wants to read, I realised that there were hundreds of new books and copies of books that were always out and impossible get. Usually I wonder around the same shelves for a few hours in hope that I will see a treasure but usually I just end up borrowing a couple of books that I don't even particularly want to read. But last Friday I didn't even look through the few shelves that the library has because my hands were full of excellent books. I was in heaven. I'm going through them pretty fast and just hope that the next time I'll go to the library the new books will still be there.

Lately, I've been thinking what my favourite book was and I couldn't come up with one. I judge a book by how many times I want to read it again since I very rarely read a book more than once but sometimes I really enjoy book that I can only read once. Here's a list of my favourite books (in any order):

Children's Books
1. Neznaika by Nikolai Nosov (About a fictional world with very memorable characters.)
2. Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
3. Matilda by Roald Dahl
4. The Baby-sitters Club by Ann M. Martin (They are more educational that most people care to admit)
5. Widdershins by Christine Harris (Short stories with very unexpected endings)
6. Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling (No comment needed)
7. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Teenagers' Books
1. When The Phone Rang by Harry Mazer
2. City Light by Harry Mazer
3. To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee
4. Just As Long As We're Together by Judy Blume
5. Here's To You, Rachel Robinson by Judy Blume
6. Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger
7. Looking For Alibrandi by Melina Marchetta (I've re-read this book more times than any other)
8. Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder (very educational and intriguing)

Adults' Books
1. Summer Sisters by Judy Blume
2. Tully by Paullina Simons
3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (The whole book is like listening to a beautiful song)
4. Getting Over It by Anna Maxted (Easy to read but very funny and enjoyable)
5. The Street Lawyer by John Grisham
6. Hotel Sarajevo by Jack Kersh
7. Haven't Stopped Dancing Yet by Shyama Perera

What are your favouite books?

Another Proof Of My Contradictory Self

As you all know today is Valentine's Day and in the morning I was actually excited. Why, you may ask, would I even pay attention to just another day that has no significance to me whatsoever? I wish I knew. Usually I just get depressed that it's another time to remind me of my lack of boyfriend. Maybe next year I'll have someone to share it with, but then again that's what I always hope for and that never happens.

I remember one year in high school, my friends (not the ones that I hang out with now) and I gave each other presents and wrote secret letters to our secret Valentine (whichever name we picked out of a hat) a week prior to the day. Sort of like Secret Santa. I don't even remember what I got but it was fun at the time.

Next weekend I'm going to ODV (Orientation Day Volunteers) camp. The only reason I signed up was to meet guys and because Nadine said it was a lot of fun and a good way to meet new people. Now I don't feel like going. I think I'm just nervous because I don't know anyone and don't want to end up being by myself the entire time because I'll be too shy to get involved or too unlucky to meet people that I'd actually like. I'll try not to worry about it too much. Whatever happens, happens. I'll try to remember the HSC (Higher School Certificate) because compared to that nothing is worth as much worry. I mean that exam could've changed my whole career path and either made my life easy or very difficult. I'm glad it turned out well.

I just got an e-mail from Netta (one of ODV's organisers). They are all going out to a club this weekend. Lots of people are coming. The last time I went to an ODV social event, only Netta came. It's good that I brought my school friends along. I'm not in the mood to call up my friends and tell them about it. I'm pretty sure I'll regret it later. I annoy myself so much sometimes that I wonder how I can even live with myself. I mean this is a perfect opportunity to meet other ODV's and do I take full advantage of it? Of course not. I'm an idiot. Then, I'll probably complain that at camp everyone will know each other and it'll be too hard for me to fit in.

Does anyone else have this social phobia even though you like meeting new people? If you do, how do you overcome it? I'd really like to hear from you. I don't even know if anyone reads this. I know some people come and check it out but no one comes back. Maybe I should submit this into search engines. I'm a bit weary of doing that though 'cause I don't want people that know me finding this.

A Day With Nadine

Nadine came over yesterday. I love and hate her at the same time. I hate how she disappoints me so much but I love how easy it is to talk to her about anything.

I'm still not over how she decided to go to America with someone else. We planned to go together since we were about 13 years old. And she talks about going there so casually as if I couldn't care less that she's going with someone else. The truth is that I act like I couldn't care less because what's the point of telling her how annoyed I am?

Nadine got a belly button ring. She started apologising how she didn't tell me when she got it. I don't see the big deal. It's not like I tell her anything anymore. And she did mention that she was going to get one. Just goes to show that she really doesn't know what I get annoyed about.

Some person keeps e-mailing Nadine anonymously, saying how much she hurt him/her and that she'll pay. I can't believe she annoyed someone that bad for that person to start e-mailing horrible things to her. And Nadine has absolutely no idea who it is. I helped her find the person's IP host so we know which internet service provider they're using, which doesn't really say much, but still. Does anyone know any way of finding out who this person could be? In a way, it's kind of fun playing detectives, like we did yesterday but everyone just wants to know who the loser is.

We made a bet on who will get married first. I know I'll win because when we made a bet on who will get a boyfriend first, I won. After we made the bet she said, "If worst comes to worst, I'll postpone". She can be really funny sometimes. She said that if I want to get a good guy, I should ask Netta (one of her friends) to set me up with someone because she introduced 2 couples that got married and some others that were really happy. I've met Netta once. She seems pretty cool. Must become better friends with her.

Nadine is the most unique person that I know. She's crazy but really likeable, even though she can hurt or annoy people without realising. Do you know anyone like that? I'd love to hear about it since I love weird people.

I Got A Life This Weekend

My search for a life has been successful this weekend. It's nice to find things that you're looking for. I want to write exactly what happened but I'm afraid that my friends could recognise me from this so I'll tell you some bits and pieces. If you want to know more, e-mail me.

I just realised that if I write the interesting things, my friends would recognise me. There's not much of a chance of them reading this but they can accidentally stumble on it while searching for something else, the way I stumbled on Katie's journal "Digital Ink" which by the way is like reading a great novel. She wrote since she was 15 and now she's in her early 20s and although she thinks she doesn't have a life, her life changed more than most other people's lives.

Ok, I'll try to capture the weekend. On Saturday I met a few of Christine's friends, realising that I like them a lot more than my uni 'friends'. Hopefully, I'll see them again. I also went to Christine's boyfriend's house for a bit. I met his sister and his Mum, making me realise that since he comes from a pretty nice family, he can't be as bad as I always think he is. One of the reasons that I enjoyed Saturday so much is because I absolutely love meeting new people (especially ones that I like). Although I'm pretty quiet in public situations, I love getting to know people and once I do, I won't shut up.

On Sunday, I went out with Ashley and Sandra (my uni 'friends'). No one else could come. It was all right. Pretty much as expected. They are not the most exciting people to hang out with, especially that Ashley doesn't seem to really like me. Sandra can be nice though. She kept talking about how guys hit on her all the time and every time a guy looked in our direction, she thought he was staring at her. Talk about an ego. Although I can't really blame her. All the guys do drool all over her. I'm not sure why. I guess she is sort of pretty. She's tall and got a good figure (without being too skinny) and big eyes and thick auburn hair (that she wears in a bun most of the time). She's also pretty easy to talk to. I guess I'm not really surprised. It's just weird hanging out with someone who guys obsess over. None of my other friends get so much attention.

Some girls from my course organised an outing that I knew nothing about that Sandra and Ashley went to and told me what's happening with the others. I wasn't too offended since I don't even know the organisers and it's not like I'm really close with anyone from my course. Anyway, they told me that Mark was transferring. He's the guy that I had a crush on last year but I got over it. It's stilll a bit sad since it was nice to talk to him. Also, supposedly a guy and a girl (from my course) are going out now. I think most people from my course are moving on from the 'newness' of uni life. Another guy wants to transfer. Sandra was thinking of transferring. And Ashley too. Am I the only one that really likes my course? Also, since there aren't any more guys that I want to like me, there's no need to try to look nice (which doesn't mean wearing tight clothes) and that's a shame because I liked coming to uni looking pretty and the guys noticing. But now there won't be anyone that I want to notice my looks. There's this guy that I want to stop noticing me because he's too sleazy. I can't stand him. I wish he'd start ignoring me instead of staring at me without even a bit of subtlety. I wish he'd transfer. There aren't any nice guys left in my course anymore. Well, actually Mark was the only one, but still.

We watched 8 Mile. It was excellent! All the lyics were very clever (considering they were supposed to be made up on the spot). I really like Eminem, especially after his last few singles. Also, I find any guy who gets all caring and protective of the less powerful (in the case of the movie, his younger sister) really attractive.

Question: If you could sing any song to someone you were in love with, what would you sing?

I forgot to say that I'm addicted to Yahoo Picks. Every time I go on the net, I have to check them, even though I rarely check the actual websites that they choose. Does anyone else do this?

More Ramblings From A TV Show Addict

Stupid stupid VCR. It can never tape anything properly. I think it really hates me lately, not like our very old one that always taped what I wanted. I wanted to tape "Joe Millionaire" yesterday, since I was talking to Nadine on the phone at the time and today in the morning, when I get all excited to watch another tacky reality TV show, it turns out that only the first 22 minutes got recorded! What the hell is wrong with the stupid machine!

The guy actually looks really hot. His deep voice is a bit scary but I can look past that. I can tell that the editors are a bit stupid because of the way they only showed the women talking about how much they love the money aspect. I don't like when the producers/writers/editors assume that their audience is really stupid and will only follow their side of the story.

April sent me our episodes almost every day of the week. She doesn't have much of life, like me. Although I really shouldn't say that because writing the show is very enjoyable and I'd rather write it than do a lot of other things. No one knows about it (well apart from anyone who reads this but that doesn't count since you don't really know who we are) because I don't want to tell people that we're writing this great show if it's never going to get on TV. I'd much rather get the show on TV and then see everyone's reactions.

Fact: Best Friends Drift Apart

Well, it’s official. I will never be best friends with Nadine. I cannot relate to her at all. She called me tonight. We talked for a bit about general things. That was fine. Then, when we’re really into the conversation, she starts telling me things. Things that just confirm my feelings towards her.

1. She told me how when she was 17, she tried out for a modelling agency. What the hell! She said that she never told anyone about it. No surprises there. Although she’s tall and skinny, there’s no way she’d pass for a model. I didn’t say that of course. I couldn’t believe that she thought that she even had a chance. You can’t get any more naive.

2. She’s planning on going to USA with someone else. And I mean really planning. We agreed years ago that we’d go together and how much fun it would be. Of course she’d rather go with her new best friend who is just ‘scary’ how much like her she is. That actually is scary. One Nadine is too much. What would two Nadines be like? Don’t even want to imagine. She asked if I wanted to come with them. I think she offered only out of politeness. I’m not going overseas with her and some girl who I don’t even know and follow them around. They already decided exactly where they're going. I know Nadine can disappoint me, but I never thought she would to this extent.

3. She started saying how this new best friend is so much like her. I don’t know what she wanted me to say. I’m glad she found someone like her. It’s always great to find people who are really similar to you. Makes you think that you’re not the only weird one in the world.

4. She also said how she’s been getting mean e-mails from someone and she has no idea who. I hope she didn’t think it was me. I wouldn’t waste time writing her hateful e-mails.

I realised that I’m not her favourite person anymore. Probably because I won’t put up with some of her behaviour. We’ve drifted too far apart and we can never be as close as we once were. No matter how much I wanted to. Life doesn’t turn out the way you plan and that’s a fact.

I'm a Bird Hater and a TV Show Addict

I hate birds with a passion. They woke me up once again and gave me a massive headache. They wouldn’t shut up the whole day. I swear when I’ll move out, I will not have one single tree outside my home, and I really like trees. I just hate those little monsters that yell and shriek the whole day. I can’t stand that noise anymore. They’re making me go insane.

I slept until 1:15pm after I had breakfast today because of my headache. When I woke up, everything was so light! My eyes were going crazy. I went into the darkest spot in the house and stayed there for about 5 minutes. My stomach was also getting queasy. I hate getting headaches. They ruin my whole day. Those dumb birds!

I watched the last episode of the first series of “The Bachelor” yesterday. I made fun of it the whole way through. I already knew who Alex was going to pick because I accidentally saw that Trista was the “Bachelorette” . America is into its 3rd series so I shouldn’t have bothered looking it up on the net. Although I make fun of the show, I do think that some of the women on it are not complete airheads. They are just so pretty and intelligent that it’s hard for them to find a mate.

My brother (who watched it too) and I were talking about how it’s very hard for intelligent people to find partners because there aren’t as many smart people as there are average and dumb. Intelligent people are more picky because they don’t just want to settle with any person. They want someone who can stimulate their minds.

“Joe Millionaire” is on tonight. I can’t sink to its level and watch it but I know that I will. I’m curious. I like the concept of “The Bachelor” better because it’s upfront and they pick intelligent people, unlike “Joe Millionaire”.

I watch too much TV, I know. I just love the light entertainment that some shows offer.

Searchin' My Soul

I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind

Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind

Oh I belive I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in my life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

“Ally McBeal” has officially ended yesterday and I’m missing the characters as if they were real people. I mean it was the only show that I really loved. Ally is my all time favourite fictional character. I can relate to her values and dreams. She was such a complex person, yet so likeable. I even cried at the end of the episode and I never cried at a TV show. I only cried a couple of times after a few movies (Beaches, Stepmom). I was bawling my eyes as if someone died. I couldn’t believe myself. I guess the characters did 'die' because their world disappeared forever and I can never get a glimpse into it again. Maybe it was because it was late at night and people usually get more emotional at night. I don’t know. I’m listening to the “Ally McBeal” soundtrack now. I haven’t listened it for years. I got it just when the show was in its beginning. I swear it’s the soundtrack to my life. I can’t believe I’m obsessing over a show so much. Maybe I’ll miss it so much because I watched it from the beginning to the end. I’ll stop rambling about it. I’ll get over it after I’ll talk about it with April. She’ll understand. It was like the only show we talked about all through our high school years. We probably became friends because of the show. I’m probably dramatising the whole thing but I really loved the show. Okay, I know you get it so I’ll change the subject.

I watched the Michael Jackson special yesterday. I don’t know why since his face is capable of giving me nightmares. I was glued to the screen, listening to him. That man is beyond repair and I have nothing but great pity for him and his children. He talks crazy and doesn’t realise how selfishly he treats his children. I hope they won’t suffer great psychological damage but what are the chances of that when they’re living in some unreal world. Michael Jackson is beyond human. He’s like some disillusioned child in a distorted adult’s body. Anyway.

You know how I mentioned that I was supposed to show an overseas girl around? Well, I was going to call her yesterday but just before I did, Mum told me that she didn’t come. She cancelled at the last minute. Something to do with her dancing. Not exactly sure what. Maybe she got picked to dance in some popular production. Who knows. Oh well. I was kinda looking forward to it. Of course I’d rather show a guy around but if he didn’t come, I would be even more disappointed. And I like meeting new people so maybe that’s part of the disappointment.

I'm addicted to "Once and Again". I can watch it 24/7. Seriously. It's so real and honest, without being too sentimental and the acting (especially the kids) is EXCELLENT!!! I missed the first several episodes so I might have to find some recaps and catch up.

Speaking of TV shows, you know what happened yesterday?!!! It makes me mad just thinking about it. (Well, not anymore 'cause I got over it but I'm just trying to create the mood that I was in the morning.) Yesterday, I decided to tape Ally McBeal because it was late and in the morning when I was going to watch it, there's only the last 15 minutes on it! I'm pretty sure I put in the right times. The network must have put the show an hour early. It's good that I made the VCR record it 15 minutes early (just in case). I could've completely missed the 2nd last episode of the season!!! It's, like, one show that I watch regularly. The network has no considerations for their viewers. Thank God for all those people that write recaps. They must have so much patience (and time) to rewrite whole episodes. The network better not screw around with today's episode since it's the finale and everything. I think I accidentally read the last line of the whole show when I was looking for recaps. I hate being so far behind with all the American shows. Those websites should at least warn people (who live outside America) that they have spoilers. Sometimes I want to live in America so I'm not behind with all the TV shows, but then I would be addicted to TV since they have so many channels there.

I can't wait till April and I will have our show on TV and America will be behind! Hahaha! But I think the only way of getting our show on TV is if it's produced in America. Not a lot of people like Australian shows. And I don't blame them. They're all either about the outback or the beach/BBQ/beer culture. The only ones I don't mind is Rove ('cause he's hilarious and intelligent) and Neighbours because it's just about people and not the Australian setting. And the characters are interesting and smart, unlike for example "Home And Away" which is probably how the rest of the world views Australia.

I called Christine yesterday about the weekend. I don't know why but every time I have to call someone, I get a bit nervous. Even if it's just my friends. I don't know why I get like that. Yesterday I got so nervous that I wasn't even going to call her and was just going to forget about the whole thing but then I thought that if I'd call her, I might have something to write about in here. I'm pathetic. It turns out that she thought we were going to go to the city to watch dragon racing. At first I thought it was some movie. I was, like, when did we plan that? And she said ages ago. I said maybe I wasn't there and she said I definitely was. After I figured out that the dragon racing was part of the Chinese New Year Festival, I remembered her mentioning it. At least I wasn't the only one that forgot. When I was talking to April about going out this Saturday, she didn't say anything. So it turns out, she was going to call me anyway. When I asked her about clubbing, she started listing all the places we can go. Not that I remember any but when we'll go, she'll show the way. I'm glad I'm capable of being friends with someone like Christine. My other friends know about as much as me about the 'nightlife', which is almost nothing. Nadine goes out a lot but she goes to places that I don't partucalarly like. And I don't feel like going out just with Nadine but I don't want to mix her with my other friends. I did that mistake once. She made everyone go crazy. That's her unique talent.

Sandra (from uni) messaged me about going out this Sunday. I agreed since I haven't been out with people from uni the entire summer break. I don't particularly like Sandra after we had to do an assignment together and she made it look as if she's done all the work just because it took her to do her half twice (if not more) as long. I like to finish things early and she thinks that only finishing at the last minute qualifies for hard work. Also, her parents are very well off so she doesn't understand how other people need jobs. It's not that my parents are poor but I feel guilty accepting money from them for going out. Other people don't seem to have such a big problem with their conscience. Even when I was little, I always felt guilty accepting presents for no reason (like my grandma used to give me). I was a strange kid. Instead of whinging for my parents/grandparents to buy me stuff, I declined even when they offered because I didn't want to waste their money on things that I knew I wouldn't need in the long run. Every time people do really nice things for me I feel such gratitude that it turns into guilt. I'm weird, I know. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Well, I just got an episode from April so I will go and add to it. I'm still a bit confused though with where exactly we're going with it.

Telepathy, Modern Grandparents and the Club Scene

It's funny that after I said how I don't like some of April's way of writing the script, she sent me a list of things that she didn't like about my way of writing it. I always like when I and someone else is thinking about the same thing at the same time. Nadine and I used to talk in stereo and we used to love that and always be surprised at the coincidence, no matter how often it happened. We thought we were telepathic. I guess it makes you feel as if you really connect with the person. In reality, it's not that unlikely to talk or think the same thing as someone that you're close to because it usually happenes when you're in the same circumstances and us being humans we react in similar ways. I still love it, every time it happens.

My grandpa came over today. He's cool. He's 75 and is learning how to use the internet. I love having modern grandparents. He was asking me to teach him how to use Photoshop to edit photos. I did it for him because it's too complicated to explain how to use all the tools. He was pretty impressed how much I improved the photos. I love being able to do something that not everyone else can. It's like my skills are some use to other people. I wanted to be a lawyer before so I could give free legal advice to my family and friends but I realise that now I can give computer advice. And besides, my family and friends don't need legal advice.

Yesterday I finally replied to Valerie's e-mail. She is a really friendly person with whom I used to go to school with. We didn't really become friends until the last year and now we keep in touch by e-mail. I should invite her to go out some time. April is friends with her as well so it could be fun.

I have to call Christine tonight to ask her to suggest a good club to go to this weekend. I haven't been to a club for months because my friends are not too outgoing and I don't know any good clubs (i.e. the ones that don't play only dance/techno/house music and don't have a drug problem). Maybe it's no surprise that I haven't been to a club for ages. I wouldn't mind going to a bar but I'm not really into spending lots of money on drinking. Maybe Christine knows some bar that has live music. That would be fun to go to. We went to a bar with live music once but the crowd was mainly over 30 year olds in suits. We didn't feel too comfortable, especially even though we were all 18, none of us (except maybe Christine) look like we're out of high school.

I suggested to April that we should just go to the city and spontaneously walk around and find places to go but she doesn't think that would work. She thinks we'll just end up walking in the streets and end up not doing anything. I told her that how are we supposed to know any good places if we don't go anywhere. She doesn't seem as interested in the whole club scene as much as I am.

Also, a sister of a family friend is coming from overseas tomorrow and I was asked to show her what Australians my age do for fun. Ha! My friends and I are so Americanised that we don't know the meaning of being Australian. I'm still expected to take the girl out, which is why I have to call Christine tonight and organise something.

What do you think of the whole club scene? If there are any Australians who read this, tell me if you know any good places to hang out. And if you couldn't care less, e-mail me anyway or post a message on my empty message board. Please? I'm not really into begging but come on, people, give some feedback (nothing too hateful though).

Free Therapy

Did I make myself do something that I normally wouldn’t do, just so I can write about it in this journal, as I originally planned? A big fat NO. I didn’t do anything worth writing about so I’ll write what I did that isn’t worth writing about.

I wrote some new ideas to improve April’s and my show. When I went online to send it, I got a revised version of Episode 1 that is completely different to the original one from April. I liked some parts of it but not others. I’m usually pretty straight forward about what I like and what I don’t because otherwise what’s the point of writing the show together? We need each other’s honest opinions. That’s why we make a good team. The one thing I don’t like is that although she writes well, she can’t make the characters talk differently. They all sound the same. I know it’s extremely difficult to pretend to be a completely different person and I don’t pretend to be good at it either but I think that’s one of the main things that’s ruining our show. I mentioned it to her but she can’t change. She makes all the characters sound really intelligent (because she is) but their dialogue just doesn’t sound real. It even started to remind me of the way they talk in Dawson’s Creek. Oh well, at least I’m not writing the show by myself. Then the dialogue would be really dumb since I don’t have enough general knowledge to make clever references the way she does. We’ll see what happens with the whole project.

I looked for new things to add to my web log.

I added stuff to the revised Episode 1 and wrote some for another episode. Hope April likes it.

Then I read “Teach Yourself Applied Psychology”. I love that sort of stuff. The book is pretty general though and doesn’t teach you how to manipulate people and play with their minds. Damn. What’s the point of knowing how people think when you can’t have fun with them? I believe that “Knowledge is Power” but I learnt that some knowledge is completely useless.

Mum, Dad and I were talking about house searching (which is what my parents have been doing for the last year). Dad asked what I thought about living in a rented flat for a while to save money. I said I liked the idea (’cause I’d be close to transport). He said it’ll only be in 2 years which means I’d finish uni by then. Then Mum goes, “You might be married by then”. Yeah, I wish. And Dad says straight away in this smug know-it-all tone, “I don’t think that will be happening”. Thanks, Dad! It’s really nice to be confirmed your worst fears. It’s nice to know that your father doesn’t think you will get married. I shut up ‘cause I knew I was going to cry if I opened my mouth. To fill the silence, Dad adds, “You need a boyfriend first”. I stayed in the kitchen for another minute as if I didn’t care what he said. Then I casually left, went to the bathroom and cried. Sometimes truth hurts the most.

After I calmed down and switched on the computer, he comes up. Here’s the conversation:

Dad: Aren’t you sick of your wallpaper? [I have the Microsoft “Autumn” desktop and he has the standard turquoise one]
Me: no, it suits my personality
Dad: my one suits mine
Me: yeah -- boring.

He deserved it, although I feel guilty hurting his feelings. Why does my conscience have to nag at me when it’s not necessary?

This entry got quite depressing. I don’t mean to make this blog full of complaints and depressing thoughts. I want it to have a positive outlook on life even when it’s not that positive. I don’t want to use you as free therapy. I’m sure you don’t either.