I'm Buzzing Inside

“Every time you took a risk, no matter what the outcome was, you were always glad that you took it’
- JD, Scrubs (not accurately)

I just came back from ODV camp. It was absolutely worth it!

Before I go into the long (mainly boring to you) details of my trip, I'll pose a few questions. (Oh my gosh! This is starting to sound like some lecture notes.)

1. Why do I like having Nadine around when she can make such a fool out of herself in public, yet still intrigue people with her personality?
2. Why do I all of a sudden become friends with good looking girls that guys adore?
3. Why can't I carry long conversations with guys?
4. Why do I freeze up with certain people that I don't even want to impress?
5. Why can I make such good introductory conversations, yet not know what to say to people after that?
6. Why is it that becoming friends with someone depends on the time and place where you meet the person?

Now, what happened...

Nadine's phone call
On Friday morning (the day I was supposed to leave), Nadine called me to tell me that she was coming too. She got called that morning because lots of people dropped out. I was glad she was coming because it meant I would have someone to talk to and that's a nice relaxing feeling that I needed to get rid of my nervousness. I helped her pack over the phone which I know she was grateful for.

Rain, rain and more rain
I carried a heavy bag to the train station in pouring rain and we (the bag and I) got drenched even though I was wearing a rain coat. There hasn't been rain in months so of course when I need clear weather it decides to pour.

The beginning
Nadine met me at the station so we walked to the meeting place together. As soon as we got there I saw Linda, I went to talk to her and her friend (Simone) who turns out to know Talia (a family friend that my family went on a holiday with earlier this summer). Simone is pretty cool because she's one of those people that I find really easy to be with. Meanwhile Nadine went to surprise her friends with her presence.

Then I saw Emma (a school friend) and sat in the train with her and her friend, Megan who is very easy-going (like most other people that I met). (Megan's friend, David, was also there.) Then on the ferry we sat with Connie and Lara (who knows Emma). Connie is this red haired freckled girl who was pretty quiet and Lara seemed to be one of those people that I straight away assume were popular in high school and am a bit prejudiced towards them because I don't like those sorts of people. She also turned out to live in the suburb next to mine! What a coincidence.

Cabin groups
I was in the same cabin as Lara, Connie, Simone and Emily (a very well-spoken girly girl who is strangely nice to everyone). (By 'strangely nice' I meant that I can feel that she can be a real pain if you get to know her. She reminded me of Amy [a girl in high school who at first is overly nice to everyone, but can be a real bitch if you hurt her in some way. She got depression at the end of high school and would get upset by things that normal people don't get upset about. Her low self-esteem really got to me because it felt like she was trying to make herself feel good by making me feel bad. Anyway, that's another story]).

The way we chose cabins was by us walking into the same room. The cabins were in pairs, ie two rooms (with 2 bunk beds each) were joined by a door and separated by a wall in the middle, if that makes sense. The girls and guys were separated into different blocks and our block was all girls but the guys' block had some girls. One of those girls (who was also in my team) kept saying how stupid it is to separate guys and girls since everyone is adults and that she lived with her boyfriend for three years and as if she's going to sleep with some guy. It kind of made me sad again to know that people my age already live with their long-term partners and I never even had a boyfriend (of any sort). One guy, Ned, kept coming to our adjoinning cabin to see his girlfriend. It was really sweet. It made Lara say, "I can't wait to see my boy". I wish I could say something like that but I have no 'boy' to miss. Life sucks.

Little possibility?
After we were fed a nice dinner (which started my unhealthy food weekend), we played a number of games in our teams (that everyone was put in). I only met my team mates one time before. There were these three hilarious guys that were really entertaining. They do Law and maybe some other degree. One guy, Owen, the more outspoken of the three I thought would be pretty cool to go out with. It was weird for me think that since it was pretty obvious that he was very confident, unlike myself. Still I thought he wasn't too 'out there' and we exchanged a few words where I tried to demonstrate my wit and my cool.

I met lots more people during the evening. I realised by then that I'm one of those people that is just not meant to be with a guy since I can't keep up a conversation with a guy. It actually depressed me quite a bit since there were so many interesting guys but I just couldn't talk with them properly.

Girl talk
Before going to bed, we sat around in our cabin talking. It was really nice to talk with interesting people. I actually liked Lara because shes seemed like an intelligent and nice person. We even talked about guys. Lara has a boyfriend (of two and a half years) who she obviously really loves because although they see each other every day, she already missed him. That made me feel sad that I didn't have a guy to miss and think about. A girl from our adjoining cabin, Claire, also joined in.

Sleepless
I only slept for about 2 hours because I couldn't get to sleep since people in the adjoinning cabin were talking. Then a mosquito kept buzzing near my ear and biting me. Then there was a really loud storm. It was also really hot.

Saturday morning
During breakfast Nadine kept running around letting people know how she feels about having children. She overdramatises everything and this was no exception. I was surprised that her views didn't offend anyone. I met Nadine's friends, Kirsten, the one that she's going to America with, the one Nadine said is a lot like her. She was all right but I didn't really connect with her so we didn't talk much.

Free time
In the afternoon we had lots of free time. Some people went swimming and some played tennis. I sat around with a few others and chatted. All these girl talks that we seemed to have a lot of during the camp made me want a boyfriend so much that it hurt. It also made me realise how weird I must be if so many people find someone while I can't. There must be something extremely wrong with me if I can't get a boyfriend. On the other hand though, I was getting along with people that are really normal and have boyfriends and lots of friends (unlike my close friends who are more like me). If they can relate to me and like talking with me, I can't be that strange. What the hell is wrong?!!!

Saturday Night
After dinner we had some games and then we danced. I got over wanting to go out with Owen 'cause he got drunk. This other guy from my team, Drew, who I thought I could become friends with since he seemed pretty quiet turned out to be really hard to talk to. He didn't dance at all, he just stood around. The weird thing was that whenever he could see me I got all tense and couldn't dance properly. I don't know why since I didn't care what he thought.

After getting all hot and sweaty from dancing, I went outside to talk to a group of people. We sat around in a circle talking about stupid things. Claire was telling this guy how he looks like Hugh Grant and he was sitting there all smug about it like it's a good thing to have a vacant face expression all the time. He actually wasn't as bad as Hugh Grant. He was better looking.

In the cabin, Lara was saying how some guy was trying to pick her up and she was so unused to that because she has a boyfriend. So? The guy didn't know that. The guy was also a complete sleaze so I guess it would be quite gross. She was also saying how much fun the whole night was with which I agree completely. It felt a bit like primary school camp which was great since I love being a kid.

That night I slept perfectly.

Time to go
On Sunday morning, we all packed up, had breakfast and everyone was taking photos of each other and each other's phone numbers. I hope we'll stay in touch. Lara was saying how when we'll get our timetables we should figure out when we can catch the same train and that we should all meet up. That would be nice.

On the ferry I talked with Emma about everything and everyone. It's always nice to talk to people that you've known for a long time. I first met her in year 8 and we gradually became friends. Although I don't see her often, every time that I do, we never seem to drift apart and always find things to talk about.

On the train I sat with Lara and Connie. Lara kept telling me all the local places that she hangs out with her friends but I told her that since my friends don't live locally, I don't hang out there. I didn't say that we don't really go out at night that often anyway so I probably don't even know that many places in the City either. It's hard to explain that your friends don't see the point in going out every weekend. I wish my friends were more outgoing...

While we were talking, a guy in the seat near our one joined in after his friend and Connie got off. He mainly talked to Lara, almost completely ignoring me. What is it about her that all guys like? It's like Sandra all over again, except I think I like Lara more. Then one guy (who was getting off) walked past us and told Lara that during the train ride the two guys at the other side of the carriage were talking about her and he kept looking at me strangely while he was telling her this. Lara was all, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed now". And I was like, in my head, "I shouldn't be so surprised". Too bad I didn't get a look to see who the guys were.

When I went to the platform to catch the train that was on my line, I was hoping to catch the train with someone from camp but there was no one. Lara got a lift from her boyfriend. Lucky girl. Not because she got a lift but because she has a boyfriend to give her a lift. I don't know why but I felt her happiness at seeing her boyfriend again.

Nice surprise
Then I saw Ned (the guy whose girlfriend was in the adjoining cabin), I was so surprised that he lived on the same train line. It turned out that he went to a school that was near mine and he knows Jacqui (a girl that I used to hang out with at school and sometimes see her). It was so weird. I've seen the guy all through camp (although I didn't talk to him much) and he turns out to live near me. We talked on the train without awkward silences that I really can't stand which was nice. It cheered me up that I did end up having a proper conversation with a nice guy.

Dad picked me from the station which brought me back to my life. I think he got more grey hair on the weekend which I don't like because I don't want to have old parents. Not that he's old. I got a bit depressed that I was back (which I guess is normal) because you have to adjust back to your normal and boring life after a very fun weekend where I met so many new people. I felt like I haven't been home for ages because so many things happened.

The verdict?
Overall, it was a lot of fun that I really needed to break the monotony of my life. I am so glad that I went, although I did get quite nervous before going. Although I didn't get a boyfriend (which was my main aim) or guy friends (which was my second aim), I did make friends with lots of girls and did talk to some guys which is the whole point of the camp. Although making new friends is great, making acquaintances with people is not too bad either because that's how lots of friendships start and who knows, maybe I'll be friends with some of these people for a very long time.

Although I can't answer all the questions that I asked at the beginning of this entry, I did learn a few things. I learnt that the circumstances in which you meet a person are really important in determining if you will be friends with that person. For example, I'm sure that if I went to the same school as Lara, I probably wouldn't even talk to her but meeting at ODV camp where no one is judged on how you were before made us become friends. I'm definitely not as shy as I used to be. I can openly talk about almost anything and am confident in myself that even if I do say something stupid, I'm generally a nice and smart person and everyone will see that.

Also, with guys, although I'm still a bit shy, I don't think about everything that I say because if they don't like me, that's their problem and I wouldn't want to impress someone who doesn't like me. Not everyone can connect with everyone else.

The 'lack of boyfriend' issue is starting to burn really strongly but not the way it burnt before. Before I wanted a boyfriend because I was lonely and needed something that at least resembled having a life but now I want one because I want to share my life that I already have with someone else. A boyfriend would just be the icing on the cake. And I really like having the icing.