Late Night Ramble About The Usual

Late Night Ramble About The Usual

I won't be going to the party tomorrow. I didn't even ask Claudia if she will because I thought it would look bad if I decided not to because she won't be. I so wish I could stop caring how everything would 'look' because it may only 'look' like that to me. I want to change but it's so hard.

I'm terrified of ending up alone for the rest of my life which is such a likely prospect. It's not even just 'likely', it's highly probable. And I think I would be able to be more patient to meet RG if it was not for my fear of being an old parent. It's like there's a clock ticking over my head and the time is about to run out.

I know to many people, my thoughts are ridiculous and you might not understand at all what I'm going on about and lately I feel like this blog is not as anonymous as it has been in the beginning which makes me want to hold back more. I don't want to do that because I like being able to share my thoughts with people who don't interfere in my life. I'm not sure what exactly I like about it and therefore can't put it into words and try to explain.

I wrote an email to Max because right now I feel like I have no hope whatsoever in having any relationships with guys and this is like getting blood from a stone (his phrase). I didn't send it though. I decided to hold back and see if I still feel like sending it next week.

I feel like any guy would do now. As long as he's not sleazy, smokes or does drugs. My new criteria. Oh, and older. I don't care about anything else right now. He can be without an education, have a dumb job, I don't care. I just don't. This is how low I've sunk. Yes, very sad. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. Oh my God, I can't even believe I just wrote that; I don't even talk like that. I'm slowly going insane.