Too Good Too Soon

Last night turned out to be a bit emotionally exhausting. One minute David and I were talking about going for a trip somewhere and the next he just got all distant. I thought maybe he didn't really want to go on any trips with me even though he was the one who brought it up. Maybe he regretted saying it. So I changed the subject but he was still all quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". After he continued to be all withdrawn for a while, I asked him again and again he said he was fine. I decided to stop bugging him because maybe he was fine and it was all in my head that something wasn't right.

Later when we were sitting on a couch in the middle of an almost empty shopping centre and talking about happiness (in general), he asked, "Is there anything bothering you in this relationship?" and I thought, "Oh oh, he's going to break up with me". I said, "The only thing that's bothering me is that something seems to be bothering you". When he said there was, I started getting worried. Did he think we were getting too serious? Was he freaked out by that? Did he not really like me?

He said he was feeling insecure. I was like, "What?" How could he be feeling insecure about anything? He always acted so confident. He told me he felt he was just an experience in relationships for me and that I didn't like him as much as he liked me. I told him I was so relieved that was the problem because that's not how I felt at all. I told him I thought it was pretty obvious that I liked him a lot and that I didn't want to scare him off by being even more obvious. He said it wasn't obvious at all. I almost had to laugh. All those times I was trying to be more subtle about how much I liked him so he wouldn't freak out, he was actually thinking I didn't really like him that much.

He, also, said that when we were talking about going for a trip and I said I already planned to go to [one of the major Australian cities] with Sally instead of him, he felt like he was just an extra thing in my life, not a major part of it. I told him he was the best thing in my life right now and it felt so uncomfortable saying that. I told him how much and how long I've wanted to have someone to connect with and that I was pretty upset about not finding anyone which was why I was so happy to have met him. I could feel my face go red as I was saying that because it was so personal. He said he really wanted to meet someone like me for a really long time too and that he liked when I was so honest with him.

I told him to tell me if something was wrong when I asked him so I wouldn't feel like I was imagining things. He said he had a thought that we should break things off but he knew he'd regret that because he liked me so much. I asked him why would he want to break up if he liked me. He said he was scared he liked me way too much and this was too good and that he would eventually get hurt anyway because I didn't like him as much. I told him that was the silliest reason to break up. I mean, seriously, who breaks up because things are too good? He said he agreed, which is why he didn't break up, but he just wanted to tell me what he thought.

I said, "Don't you think this is getting too serious? We've only been going out for a month. That's very short." He said, "A month is nothing but I can't help feeling so strong. Not that it's love or anything." Phew! He almost had me there. I don't believe in falling in love with someone after one month. That's ridiculous. It even scared me that he mentioned it at all. I confirmed his point that it was definitely not love. But then he said something that didn't really register with me. Did he say, "But it's close to it" or "I think I feel some of it" or "I think I can love you"? Can't remember now, probably because it freaked me out so much. He said, "Are you freaking out now?" I said I wasn't really but was just too shocked because I didn't realise he liked me that much. He said he was worried he liked me more than I liked him. I said that I liked him so much already, it was hard to comprehend how he could like me more.

He said he liked me so much he was willing to change for me, like not go overseas next year like he planned, because he'd much rather be with me. I said next year seemed a long way away. But I guess planning for a long trip takes a while... I wish I could ask him to change his religious and political views (and some of his ugly T-shirts) but I just said that I didn't want him to change at all. I told him I could not believe he said he would change for me! I don't think I could breathe properly. I swear if I didn't like him as much as I do, I would've started to feel really suffocated. Kept alternating between two states of mind - being so happy that there was someone wonderful who was so into me and feeling a little claustrophobic that he was feeling like that so soon, like it wasn't really real.

Anyway, I'm just glad to have some time away from him today to think things over. It was so weird seeing him so totally open about how he felt. He also said that he analysed everything I said. Never thought he was the type to analyse. It's like his outer layer of total confidence was completely gone. The feeling of power to be so much influence on someone is incredible.