Looking Back Into the Tunnel

Went to the library today and couldn't find one single book to take. I was there for ages and was getting quite frustrated that I didn't want to read anything that was there.

I think after reading a really great book, I don't want anything mediocre.

It'd be good if they could divide the library into two sections - the run-off-the-mill books with their formulaic plots and characters that sell and a section for real books with stories that offer new insights with a humanity quality. I'm just really sick of books that are the same. I want something different, something unique. Any suggestions, anyone?

Work wasn't too bad today. Other than having a lunch time meeting and no time to get out of the office.

I actually started to wonder if leaving the security of this job was such a good idea. Ever since I got new software, doing my work has been a lot easier. And the people are great. Yeah, I still don't have much of a lunch time but I've been leaving almost on time.

Well, it's too late to think that anyway. I'm starting at my temp job full-time again next week. I wonder if I'll hate myself if I don't have a job next year. Although, I'd probably regret not taking up this job if I stayed here.

Lately, the last three years of my life (the 'blogging years') have been flashing in my mind. The whole three years just flash in seconds. Getting through uni - all the moments in class, during breaks, holidays with school friends, April, casual jobs, operation... Then trip to USA. Looking for 'real' work followed by a series of jobs. Meeting David which opened my life to so many possibilities. And now.

Wonder what's next...

The Sum of Us

Weekend = FUN!!!
David = Happiness

You can deduce what Weekend + David equals to.

Reason #156 I love David:
On Monday while talking on the phone, I heard David crunching on something. I asked him what he was eating and he said, "Pringles... mmm". I forgot Pringles even existed so I said, "I wish I could have some". On Friday, David brought me a can of Pringles.

After a night of dancing on Friday, and we were driving past some kebab shop, I said without thinking that I felt like one. He said, "You want a kebab?" and I said, "No, it's ok, let's go home. The craving will pass". So he said, "I know you want one", turned around and stopped near the kebab place. We got one to share because I didn't want the whole thing. I ate about half and gave him the rest and he said, "That's not half, have some more". God, it was sooooo good! Dancing always makes me hungry.

Today while we were in the shopping centre and I went to the bathroom, I returned to see David coming out of a supermarket. He handed me a large Aloe Vera drink which I absolutely love but never have the chance to buy because there are not many Chinese stores around where I live. He said, "They had 2 for $3 and I know you like it so I got you one." I haven't mentioned a word about the drink in months. He must've remembered how much I like them from our trip last year where all I wanted was that drink.

Reason #98 I love David
You know what we did in the shopping centre? We spent time in bookstores and browsed different books, showing each other what we found. And we both enjoyed the kids section.

In other random weekend moments...
David said that when we get the home loan, we can get a car loan at the same time. We talked about which car we wanted. He thinks we'll need a bigger one to have space for the baby seat and the pram. I'm sure the small one would be fine. I always feel lost in big cars and can't judge the distance around them too well. Plus, I'm short and don't feel in control of a big car. The problem is that David is tall and needs room to stretch out. Well, we won't worry about this just yet. But it's good to know he's thinking about the future.

It was my parents anniversary today. They were humourously retelling stories of their wedding and the horrible honeymoon. They said it was funny now but it wasn't then. My grandparents also came over and said how they didn't even have a proper wedding ceremony. They just went in to sign the papers. And they can't remember exactly what date it was. They only remember they celebrated it on my grandma's birthday, a few days before that.

I suggested that next year for their 50th anniversary, they should have a proper wedding and that my grandma should wear a white dress to make up for the first time. That image made everyone laugh. She asked, "Do I get to wear a veil?" I think it's a brilliant idea.

All these talks of weddings made me think that I don't really care much for one (mainly because they are too expensive), other than wearing the white dress and look gorgeous. I told my Mum this and she said, "Who's going to appreciate your white dress then?" and I replied, "David". Who else?

I know lots of girls dream of weddings and all that. I must be missing that gene or something. Not that I'm against them or anything. I think they are a great idea to be the centre of attention and have a fun party where you get to wear a gown you never can on other occasions. I just much prefer the part after the wedding, like the honeymoon and the marriage. You know the times when you have a partner to do stuff with all the time. To plan things, to have fun with, to unload to, to discuss everything. Have meals together, to watch TV, to sleep etc. To me, that's the best part.

And I can't wait to have that.

Show Me the Money

I've decided to organise my finances. Not that they are a mess or anything. I just decided that I want to start recording everything I spend so I can see how much I spend on different things.

A new thought started appearing at the outskirts of my mind. And that is, I want to get a car. I rely on my parents' old car that I share with my brother for my transport to work. And to be honest, it can break down any moment. If that happens, I want to be ready to get a new one.

I don't want to get another really old one. Not saying that I want a brand new car. But I need something reliable that's going to be worth the money.

One thing that's stopping me from getting my own vehicle, other than the money, is wondering if it's worth getting a car now if in a couple of years David and I might be living together and might want to buy a car we both like. (His car has already broken down, but that doesn't stop him from driving it.)

I don't want to end up getting my own car and then having to buy another one that would be more suitable for both of us.

Yeah, I shouldn't think that far ahead, but I can't help it.

Dear David...

I did a weird thing yesterday. I was feeling down for no apparent reason. Just one of those days. So I wrote David an email. Almost like something I would write in my diary, instead I wrote it to him. It was honest, raw and sentimental. Something that would undoubtedly make me squirm later. And with each key stroke, I felt like the blank sadness was leaving me.

I asked him (in the email) not to mention that email to me if he ever read it.

When I was talking to him on the phone today and we were saying goodbyes, he asked, "Are you feeling better?" I assumed he meant my stomach but when he said, "I just want to know how you are", I later, after hanging up, realised that he was talking about the email.

Tomorrow is his last exam so we're going dancing. I'm just looking forward to seeing him.

Where My Career Leads

Today I resigned from my permanent job.

Didn't I mention that the temp job offered me a position? Guess not.

I was so nervous today. I really didn't think that resigning would stress me out that much. But it had to be done.

And now I feel light-hearted that this is all over and I only have to work one more week at this tiresome place.

When I told my manager, she asked if there was anything she could offer me that would make me stay. "More money, more resources, anything?" I didn't expect that at all, considering we both know the company doesn't have any money, resources or anything. She said, "I knew we should've taken you out of that other job earlier! I'm going to call them up and tell them you're not that good but we don't mind keeping you."

When I walked into the CEO's office with an envelope in my hand and told him I was resigning, he said, "I know". I guess he had plenty of people walk into his office with an envelope in their hands and an apogetic expression on their faces.

I handed him the envelope and he said, "Thank you for the love letter".

I emailed Eve to tell her I resigned and she replied, "Fantastic!"

Well, the decision wasn't even that hard.

The position that was created for me will definitely last till the end of the year but after that I might become unemployed. However, after lots of consideration I decided this was a risk worth taking. I mean, I get so irritated with the perm job which is going nowhere. I love my temp job. And there's a good chance this contract might be extended even further. Plus, money is great (for me). That's always a good thing.

I feel like my life is creating a very obvious path for me right now and I have no chance but to follow it.

Heaven

Talked to David and everything's fine now. I was being over-sensitive. Nothing unusual when I'm sick. He seemed to find this quite funny.

I said, "All you care about is that I get better by Friday so we could go out".
He said, "Yes, so?"
I said, "You wouldn't care if I get better otherwise".
He said, "Of course I do!"
I said, "That's not what you said".
He said, "Well, that's what I meant".
I said, "So when you said, 'Stop bludging', you really meant, 'Get better soon'?"
He said, "Yes!"

I said, "I told you I don't have a sense of humour when I'm sick. You should be nicer to me then".
He said, "I'm always nice".
I said, "No, you're not".
Silence.
I said, "Why aren't you laughing anymore?".
He said, "I don't have a sense of humour now".
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "It went on a break."
I said, "Yeah, it overdid itself."
He started laughing.
I said, "I thought it was on a break".
He said, "The break ended. It's back to pick on you again".

So amidst all this laughing he told me that last week when he was feeling down and was thinking about me, he dedicated a song to me on the radio. He was listening the whole week so he could tape the dedication and then surprise me. But he didn't hear it so he thought he'd just tell me.

I was seriously stunned. David dedicated a song to me?!!!

I asked him if he had the email he sent to the program and he said he didn't. Damn. I would've LOVED to read it! I asked him what he wrote and he said, "Oh, just how we met and how I feel about you".

I must've been jumping out of my skin. I wanted to know every single word! I tried to get out of him what he wrote. He said something about how I was always there for him, when he was sad and when he was happy. I asked, "Did you say you loved me?" and he said, "Of course".

Every time I listened to that radio program, I always wondered what song David would dedicate to me if he ever rang up. (You know how my mind gets carried away.) And he dedicated the 'perfect' one:

Heaven by Bryan Adams (David's the only other person I know who likes this singer. I just imagine David's singing those words to me.)

Oh - thinking about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free

Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me coming back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feeling down

Yeah - nothing could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
'Cause our love will light the way

And baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah - I'll be standing there by you

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Although now, I will never know exactly what he wrote, I find so much comfort in that really sweet and thoughtful gesture, that I don't think I can get upset at his 'lack of sensitivity during sickness'.

Before we hung up, he said, "Hope you feel better".

How can I not?

Not a Laughing Matter

80% of my weekend was spent in bed. Fortunately I'm feeling better now. I can tell this because I'm finally able to get up and actually want to eat. (You could really tell I was sick when the sight of chocolate and fresh bread made me want to throw up.)

I'm still getting stomach cramps but it's not a constant anymore. And I don't feel like sleeping or even lying down. Definitely must be getting better.

Went to the doctor on Saturday but he couldn't find anything wrong with me. Said it was a bad case of the flu. I never knew you could have a flu without having a sore throat or a blocked/runny nose. My stomach was just in pain and he discovered I had a fever (something I very rarely have).

Was annoyed at David. When he called, he said, "Stop lazing around". I told him that's not exactly what I wanted to hear when my stomach was hurting. He said, "I was just trying to cheer you up". How cheery of him.

Ok, so I know he's stressing about his exams but he could've at least been a bit nicer to me. I don't think he understands the concept of illness because he's never really been ill. He doesn't know what it's like to feel so weak, you can't get up. I mean, I couldn't even remember a time when I felt like that. Still, he wasn't as sensitive about the whole thing as I would've liked.

I guess I just wanted to know he was worried about me and I really didn't get a sense of that at all. And I got even more annoyed when he said, "I wish I didn't have exams so I could look after you" and I said, "No you don't," and he said, "But it sounded good" and started laughing. So I got mad. He thought it was really funny. I explained to him that I didn't have any sense of humour when I was sick and he was like, "Oh, why not?" Someone wasn't getting my point at all.

Then today, even though I was feeling better, I told him that I might not be able to go dancing with him this Friday to celebrate the end of his exams if I'm still not feeling the best (so it doesn't get worse). And rather than saying, "Of course not, we'll go another time. I just want you to be in perfect health as soon as possible", he said, "Oh! But that's all I really wanted to do this Friday".

Argh.

And when I wished him good luck for his exams tomorrow, he didn't even wish for me to get better.

I might be acting like a child but he raised my standards of him. Before he was always extra caring. So now I expect him to always be like that.

The IT Guy

He calls. He asks for me. He asks how I am. He makes jokes. He hates Macs too. He's patient. He goes that extra bit to help, even though he could just send someone else and make us pay hundred of dollars.

Yes, he's our IT guy. I only know his voice but that's enough to improve my mood at work.

I always remind myself how good it is to have a job, but somehow I still feel frustrated, bored, anxious and annoyed at work. Things never work. I end up fixing for most of the days. The smell from the warehouse gives me headaches.

So when I answer the phone and hear his friendly voice, I feel like there's one person I can chat with to break the monotony (almost wrote monogamy) of my day. Not that we have conversations about anything other than technical problems but that doesn't matter. These discussions are adorned with extra remarks that add some cheer to my thoughts.

As David said to me last night, "You are always welcome to distract me". I hope the IT guy knows that too.

Headache

My head hurts.

I wish David was here.

That's all.

Kindness vs Assertiveness

I was the second last to leave work today. I was supposed to leave earlier but couldn't. The only other person was the company CEO (here from Asia). Everyone says he's horrible to deal with because he just "doesn't understand".

I remembered how the marketing manager complained last time that she had to wait till 7:30, just to drive him to the station. And how she has to pick him up in the morning.

So today, before I left, I wondered, "Do I have to drive him to the station since there's no one else here?" Then I thought that if I offer once, it'd be expected of me. I reasoned that if I was in another country and wanted a lift to the station (which was a reasonable 20 minute walk), I would ask. I wouldn't wait for an offer. Or I might just decide to take the walk and not rely on other people. (I mean, I used to walk 25 minutes to one job every day and that didn't kill me.)

I said good bye to him (as innocently as possible, like I was completely unaware that I should offer him a lift) and left. His face didn't show happiness.

Since that moment, all the way up till now, I have guilt prickling at my conscience. What if this act of kindness would've put me in a better light with him? What if this extra effort would've been noticed and rewarded? What if he needs to fire someone and he'd choose me because I didn't offer him a lift? What if, what if. It's driving me crazy.

A similar thing happened last Friday at work. During a meeting, I had a question at the back of my mind that was on the verge of slipping into darkness. Then there was a pause in the conversation and I was about to ask that question before I've forgotten it completely, but Eve beat me to it and asked something else.

Instead of waiting for her question to be answered, I asked my one. So one of the managers answered my question, completely forgetting about Eve's. I didn't mean to interrupt her, but it just rolled off my tongue. I was going to fix this by bringing attention to Eve's question but then the managers wouldn't stop talking. They talked for so long, Eve's question became irrelevant.

When we got back to our desks, I kept thinking that I should apologise to her for cutting in. But imagining her laughing and saying, "I didn't even realise!" and thinking I was too sensitive stopped me. I left without mentioning anything. It still bugs me a little because Eve has been so wonderful to me and I don't want her to think any less of me.

These two incidents made me think - is it better to be extra kind, risking having people take advantage of you or being more assertive and accidentally making others uncomfortable?

(Of course the right answer would be to have a balance, but in practice, it's not that simple; one is always more on one side than the other.)

Behind the Curtains

How is your weekend going? Mine has been very well. No studying, no work. Can't complain.

Saturday night, went to David's house. When I got there, he started whining that his assignment wasn't working. So I sat on the edge of his bed while he was in front of the computer. He started talking aloud about what he was doing while I pretended to be helping.

(e.g.
him: if this should be [terms terms terms], then this should equal to [numbers numbers numbers]
me: yeah, exactly
him: ohhhhhhhhh, I see, this should really be [terms terms terms] which balances [terms terms terms]
me: precisely
him: this is excellent! It works!
me: yeah, that's excellent!
him: it was just that number
me: I know!
him: thanks! I've couldn't get this for an hour
me: glad to help. You know me, I'm an expert in finance.)

Then he made dinner for him and his sister, since his parents were out. He didn't know where they were because they didn't even tell him they were leaving. Not long ago, my Mum gave my brother a whole speech on why he should let us know when he's going somewhere so we don't think he's home when he's not.

His sister was in her room watching some foreign sitcom. She acquired a new piercing since I've last seen her. Later I realised it was a fake lip ring. This girl and David couldn't be more different. She's very arty and he's not. She's so rebellious and feisty, it makes him look like a doormat nerd. But they get along. Which is all that matters I guess.

We watched Prison Break. It's funny how that's like our 'little thing', a habit. When watching, I noticed how many huge guys there were. I mean seriously 'huge'. How do people grow to that size? Makes me feel really tiny.

There were a few moments when I felt so happy, I wanted everyone to know what David said to me. But at the same time it was personal and would seem like I was boasting. So all that energy that I have from wanting to share, goes back to David. Which I guess is a good thing. I just feel so extrememly lucky, I'm beyond words. If all that pain of being single for so long meant that I would have David now, it was all WORTH it! Can you even believe I'm saying this now?

I even had this vision that this was all a bit like looking at a stage with closed curtains. Behind those curtains was your future. When the curtains opened a little bit, there was nothing there so I thought that my future was going to be empty, when it was just that the curtains weren't open completely. David was behind the closed part. Now the curtains opened wide enough to reveal him.

On the way home, I picked up my brother from the station. He's so lucky to be the younger child and have me pick him up late at night when he wants to drink and can't drive. My parents would never wait up for me past midnight. I was a bit annoyed at having to wait for him for 25 minutes so I didn't care about asking him for gossip. Even David called worried that I wasn't home (since I prank his phone when I do).

On Sunday when I got over that, he told me a bit about what happened. He's met the 'perfect' girl. Amazing for Andy to describe someone like that. I urged him to tell me more. When he started with, "She was sooooo hot!", I lost interest. If that's the first thing he can think to say about her, it's his hormones talking and not his brain. He said that she was also nice and smart. That's all great, but that's not what stood out in his subconscience.

I mean, one of his close girl friends (who everyone thinks he should go out with), he describes as "really friendly and fun", "great person" and then also "very cute". That shows that even though she's pretty (which she is in the photo), he likes her more for her personality. This is the girl he doesn't want to ruin the friendship with.

So now, I'm a little suspicious of this really 'hot' girl. I guess we'll see what happens.

Went into the City with my Mum to go shopping. It was nice to spend time together. Although she started telling me who out of her friends she wanted to invite to my wedding. I told her, I wasn't getting married yet. She was like "I know, but we're just talking". Also told her it wasn't going to happen soon. She was like, "Why wait?" It was weird how I was taking the opposite side of myself. I was telling her, "Why rush, I'm still young. A few more years won't make much of a difference". Amazing. With David I'm the opposite. I don't want to wait. I'm not that young. A few more years is way too long.

My brother is the opposite. When he told me how my Mum was having a similar conversation with him, he was like, "I want to get married soon" and my Mum tried to talk him out of it. Told him he should work for a few years etc.

My poor mother. Andy and I are not good for her nerves. Which are not that strong to begin with.

In the evening, my Mum's friend came with her son (who's 20, I think). I swear if I was younger, I'd have the biggest crush on this guy. He's not 'hot' but he's got this really serious intelligent aura with a sense of humour, as well as a typical POBian look (tall and blonde) which makes me nostalgic. Plus, he speaks POBian, which is always a bonus.

We all chatted together - adults, kids - it was great. Wished David could've joined in but he wouldn't be able to understand anyway. He called later, sick of studying. I told him it was going to be over soon anyway. We both can't wait till his holidays when we can spend more time together. We can have our talks (which I guess we do anyway) and go dancing (which we've only been doing to the radio (not that's any less fun, just different). I guess it'd just be nice to see him more than once a week.

Today, a POBian woman from my Mum's work is coming with her husband and her 15 year old daughter. I met them once, at a show. The girl seemed really nice. A bit young for my brother though...

Love long weekends.

Life Satisfaction

David watched soccer at my house last night.

When he said he didn't want to watch it by himself, I jokingly said he could come and watch it here. He seriously replied, "I was actually thinking of doing that. Can I come at 11.30?"

I warned him that I wasn't planning on staying awake till 4am watching it. He said he didn't mind. Then he talked to Andy and they agreed to watch it together for a little bit (since Andy had to go to work at 8:30 today).

My parents were surprised that he'd want to come that late just to watch soccer, even though I'd be asleep. My Mum asked, "Doesn't it scare you to imagine living with him for the rest of your life?" I was a little offended she asked me that. Why should it scare me that he wants me to be near, even if I'm not keeping him company?

So at 12am, Andy, David and I were on the couch in front of the TV. I was in my pyjamas, falling asleep. David didn't seem to care. He said he just really missed me. I missed him too but I wouldn't go to his house at 11:30pm if I just wanted to watch something on TV that he wasn't interested in.

I didn't really fall asleep but I did drift off a couple of times.

In the morning, David didn't want to go home and study but I made him. Didn't want him to regret not being ready for exams. I'll see him tonight anyway.

After he left, Veronica called. We talked for a while. That girl is very... unique. She founded a non-profit organisation to help refugees start small businesses. She said they were going to publish a book with refugees' stories and then make a short film or a documentary with all the profits going into funding these small businesses.

When I mentioned that I worked on some films last year, she asked me if I'd be interested in helping out with this film, like a consultant. Of course I said I would. I was about to offer to help out on the book and promotion of the organisation but then realised I might not have that much time. Helping with the film would be great fun so I'd find the time for that. It also sounds like a great project to work on. David would be pleased I'm interested in the 'community'.

She also invited me to some forum that helps you to achieve your dreams and fix problem areas in your life. I said I'd let her know if I'm coming. That's just not my thing. She really tried to force me to come, even promising that I would take something out of it. Not sure. Might consider it.

She said that the forum helped her realise that her current job "wasn't consistent with [her] dream of becoming a millionaire" which was why she was only looking for jobs that would offer her $80 000. Gosh, I'd be happy with just getting to stay at my temp job permanently with my current wage.

My goal is not to become a millionaire. My goal is finding excitement in what I do (career-wise and otherwise) and having my own family, as well as good friends. Having stable finances to support my modest lifestyle and which would allow me to travel once in a while would be great too.

I don't really want anything else. I'm happy to have David want to come to my house at 11:30 just to be close to me. I'm happy to hear my brother have his 'verbal exchange' with David. I'm happy to come to work and be excited about what I'm doing. These things don't seem much, but they are everything when I remember how hard it was for me to achieve them.

Good Friday

I love Fridays. My day at the temp job went SO quickly. First time I looked at the clock, it was 11:30am and the next time it was 3pm. At my permanent job, I look at the clock every 20 minutes, at least.

The Director gave me some good news. She said she could easily fit me into the budget so it might even be possible to create a position just for me! If that can't happen, I can continue working through the agency. Either way I don't care. Sure, I won't be getting sick leave or holidays but my higher hourly rate would cover that.

I have new hope about my career again.

From today, I've started to lead a project. Feels weird to be 'the expert' as they call me and to tell people (managers!) what to do. The bad thing is that since they've liked my previous work, they expect something amazing with this project. Unfortunately I don't have as much experience in multimedia as I do with graphic/web design. It's still more than what the others know. And also, they said they don't want to pay $20 000 to an agency for something that's not too important. They think we can get a good outcome with me co-ordinating and the other people doing the work.

I'm happy I came up with a good concept for this though. Now it's a matter of collecting media and putting it all together.

Even though it's scary, it's exciting and fun at the same time.

The Director also told me we got short-listed for an award for which I designed the submission (in one day). I'm sure the fact that we got short-listed had nothing to do with the way our application was presented but it feels good to have been a part of it.

Yesterday, I went shopping with Mum. I didn't feel like it but I thought it'd be good exercise. Since I realised that I probably would not find any boots this winter, I bought myself something I didn't need. Isn't it always the case that when you don't need anything, there are heaps of stuff you like but when you urgently need some piece of clothing for some event, you can't find anything?

Anyway, I got this boho looking dress, something I always wanted but couldn't find one that suited me. This one made me look skinny and pretty and it was cheap! Only $60 (very good for a dress - for any males who might not know).

It's very rare when I try something on and think, "Wow, I look good". So I had to get it. Especially since I have someone to appreciate it.

One problem, I don't have anywhere to wear it to at the moment. It would look really good with boots but I don't have any.

Visited my grandparents after work. Made them happy.

Will have a quiet night. David wants to study and then watch soccer. He asked if I wanted to watch it with him. I wouldn't have minded if it wasn't so late.

He called me at almost midnight yesterday. I was getting really worried that he wasn't home that late and wasn't answering his phone. I forgot he told me he was working. I couldn't even go to sleep 'cause I kept imagining bad scenarios. Was glad there was all a perfect explanation. He wanted to talk but I was too tired.

He's been a little stressed lately. It always happens before exam time. And when he's worried about one thing, he starts feeling bad about others (more serious things). I do my job in telling him not to worry and that everything will be fine. It's amazing that just my confidence that everything will turn out is enough for him. He says he always feels better after talking to me.

Can't wait till July when we go on our weekend trip.

Secret Revealed

I left work at the time I was supposed to! Yay! I even had some spare time at the end of the day. Used that to research my urticaria condition again. Nothing new.

I did get some vitamins that I use to manage the redness and itchiness, for free.

At lunch, I decided to go for a walk. There was no pathway so I just walked on the grassy hills along the roads, listening to my mp3 player. I almost fell over because I didn't realise how slippery one part was. It was good to go for a walk but I won't be doing it in that area again. It's just not safe.

Talked to David on the phone last night way past midnight so I was pretty tired today. I told him about Max. I didn't think I ever would but I just said it. He said, "It sounds like you wanted to confess this". I guess I did. He's the only person I talked about how I felt about the whole 'thing'. That horrible desperation and addiction to something that wasn't real.

I said it was stupid. He said it wasn't. He said that he understood how I could extend that thing for so long. He said he couldn't let go off the girl he used to go out with at school even though she wasn't interested in him anymore. Then one day he realised that enough was enough.

I had lots of times when I thought enough was enough but nothing could've stopped me from obsessing about it until there was someone to replace Max. In this case, David. I remember when Max messaged me when I was already going out with David and it was just so damn easy to ignore it. I felt like a huge weight lifted off my heart. It was a good-bye on my terms. I was the one who let him go.

I feel stupid writing about it like it was some huge thing. Oh well, it's in the past now. Where it should've been a really long time ago.

David said that it seemed like I had chances of getting a boyfriend but I was completely closed off to any opportunities. Maybe I was, I don't know. I just never met someone I actually wanted to go out with who wanted to go out with me.

Of course I didn't make it easier for myself when I was young, ignoring any guy I didn't know who'd talk to me. I don't know what I was so paranoid about. I'm just glad I stopped behaving so extra cautiously by the time I met David. Otherwise I would've still been single.

Well, now I really don't have any secrets from David. He knows my life inside out.

The Beauty of Words

Kisses the torrent of illusions

Dirty

You know it's a great book when you start to feel sadder and sadder as there are less and less pages left.

I so didn't want "The Dirty Girls Social Club" to end. From the title and the back cover it sounded like some standard chic lit. Something I'm really over. But the first page totally captured my attention. It is a solid piece of writing. Light and deep, funny and sad. The characters leapt off the page. I actually miss them almost like real people.

By the end I realised that the seemingly trashy title had a deeper meaning. These 'girls' were described as dirty because they were not perfect human beings. They had faults. Their lives were not squeaky clean. Some of them were a complete mess. And I guess that was what made them so interesting. So likeable. So easy to relate to.

I haven't read a book that I haven't been able to put down for a really long time.

This book was everything I love about reading. It was entertaining, it was educational, it opened my mind to ideas and observations I never thought of. There were times when I thought, "Oh my God! That's so true!" It broke all stereotypes and made me vicariously live through lives I never would have had a chance to experience in real life.

It was one of those books that you know will never be a classic but one that will always have a place in my mind and heart. It really had an effect on me. I cannot stop thinking about it.

Some books I just connect with and this was definitely one of them.

Change of Attitude Towards Work

I went with a different attitude to work today and it made a really big difference.

I got home late, but I'm not stressed. I took a lunch break, even though I had work to do. I drove to the nearest shopping centre and walked around there for about 15 minutes. Taking a break is really important to maintain your mood.

When things didn't work and I had nothing to do but wait while the computer decided what it wanted to do, I didn't worry about not finishing. Whatever could be done would be done. No point worrying.

Left at 5pm instead of 4:30 but I just thought how wonderful it was to get home in 10 minutes and before 6pm.

At work, emailed with Amelia and Claudia a bit back and forth. That gave me some joy to my day. Didn't have time to email April. Maybe tomorrow.

Wore the bracelet that David gave me for Valentine's and every time I saw it, I got a really content feeling.

Just absorbed the thought of earning money and that reduced my frustration.

Stingy Job

Let me tell you one thing I didn't know before. Location is not everything.

I always hated commuting for over an hour to and from work. I thought I was wasting away my life in public transport.

Now I wish I could be on a train for a few hours just so I could enjoy my day at work.

This job is so frustrating, it's giving me a headache. For most of my day I am trying to fix things that don't work because they don't have the money to repair or renew equipment/software. I mean, I'm using an illegal copy which has expired. And the manager got annoyed when I asked if it was possible to get a legal copy without errors. She thinks if we've managed before, we can keep managing.

She doesn't realise how much time I waste going the long way to do very simple tasks.

I came early into the office in the hope that I could leave earlier. And of course, none of the 3 printers that we had could print properly the document that was needed for tomorrow. Ended up staying an extra hour. Had to print on the 'good' printer that I wasn't allowed to print on at first because they didn't want to waste the good inks. It's freaking ridiculous. We had to waste a lot more than that in the end.

Then the manager asked me not to do a good job making promotional material for the stores that sell our products just so that they would stop requesting so many. I mean, seriously, isn't the whole point to promote our stuff?

Today, I did this really nice flyer, but the manager said that we will just print one proper one and then photocopy the rest in black and white. I think it's more of a waste of money to do things badly because all that work ends up being for nothing.

What's the point of printing thousands of bad quality black and white brochures if no one would pay attention to them?

As you can see, I'm very frustrated. I didn't get a lunch break and I was held back.

I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that I have a job and am not unemployed. I also try to focus on Fridays. Last Friday was so great to come back to the temp job. I felt like I was actually accomplishing something.

The Director asked me to lead a meeting for a project we will be doing. I'm so excited but a bit nervous. She said that since I won't have time just on Fridays to complete this project alone, she wants me to co-ordinate the whole thing and delegate tasks. I'm so looking forward to this. It's one of those challenges that makes me excited and anxious at the same time.

What I would do just to work at that place.

I think I need to distance myself from this job so that it doesn't affect me to negatively. I think I'll just go there expecting to stay longer and not have a break. That way I won't be too disappointed when I can't leave on time. And I do get home quite early anyway.

I think I just got too spoiled by my temp job (and also the previous magazine one as well). Got too comfortable having a good computer and all the tools that I need at my disposal.

Should just concentrate on the fact that I'm earning money.

Oh, and if I really want to put things in perspective, I should try to remember when I was unemployed. And boyfriendless. This job is not looking so bad anymore.

That Special Sound

La Puente. Te quiero por siempre. Cuando. Puedo ser o no ser. Suavemente. Un poquito. Besame. Buenas noches. Te amo. Bella.

I have been reading the The Dirty Girls' Social Club and it's got tons of Spanish words. I don't understand half of the expressions but just reading them makes me hear such a sexy sound. The above words are just some that I can think of at the top of my head.

David says he loves when I speak POBian but I never thought Spanish would give me such tingles.

Don't know what it is about some languages that have the abilty to irritate me and others I can listen to endlessly without understanding a word.

I was actually speaking POBian to David last night, knowing he didn't understand. And I can't describe the freedom I felt saying anything I wanted to him, while he just smiled back. Just felt so good!

Might go and read that book. Seriously love the story.

Give Your Soul Away

[Read full post here.]

My brother got home at 6am today which could only mean he had an interesting night. He filled me in on all the gossip with his friends. I swear, they have more drama than The OC. There was a love triangle. One girl found an improved version of her ex (who is totally in love with her) and brought him along. The ex was distraught. They only broke up 2 weeks ago. Andy said that in year 11 when he asked his friend how he felt about the girl and this guy shrugged and said, "I don't know, marriage?" And now this girl broke up with him (several times) and he's still pining after her. It didn't help that the new guy she brought along was a 'great' guy. As Andy said about his friend, "He gave his soul to her" (i.e. fell in love). I'm a little worried Andy is becoming so cynical about love.

Then one of his girl friends who loves Andy "as a friend". I mean, she calls him "Anie, my bestest guy friend" and rings him almost every day. Don't know how he puts up with it. Actually in the last few weeks he's been ignoring her because he said he's really tired of her. Then he said that last night "she was so hot! She had this short skirt and boots and her hair was all curly under her beanie. All the guys were staring at her. Man, why does she have such an annoying personality?" I said, "Life's unfair" and he said, "At least the others didn't know what she was like and they thought we were together because she kept holding my hand". I said, "You are such a user" and he said proudly, "I know". What a show-off.

Andy also saw his ex. Remember the girl I didn't like? Well she was there with a guy she started going out with as soon as they broke up. He said she didn't even say hello but he didn't care. He said it was because he didn't give his soul away to her. Thank God for that. Hope he can find a nice not self-righteous girl to 'give his soul to".

If you are wondering why I'm blogging about my brother's social life and not my own, it's because nothing even close to exciting happened at Claudia's party.

April didn't come, as expected. She knew she was going to be sick since Tuesday. I was feeling pretty bad too but I took drugs and came. David got a little bossy with his "Don't eat the ice cream cake. It'll make you worse!" I was like, "Please! I'll be fine. I'll eat slowly," and he was like, "I did that once. I thought I was feeling better but then I drank cold juice and the next day I got worse". I ignored him. He was starting to sound too scarily like my Dad. I told him that in the hope of freaking him out but he just said, "I just want what's best for you". So then he reminded me of my Mum.

He also refused to let me pay for him. I'm getting money now and I don't mind paying for him once in a while since he's a student and needs all the money he's earning for the daily things (like the expensive petrol to drive to my house).

Got home pretty early because the Cold and Flu drugs started to wear off. David stayed over. We talked a lot. I got a bit emotional because I wanted to know what was happening with us and more importantly 'when'. Why do I have to be so impatient?

He said we can start looking for a place in the middle of next year. That's what I wanted to hear. He also said that if we can't afford to buy, we will rent and not wait till we have enough money. Another thing I wanted to hear.

I told him I felt like he was being pressured and would only do it because I wanted to. I said I wanted him to want this himself. He said he just wanted to be with me. That was all he wanted.

I have given my soul away but I knew he'd keep it safe.

The Look of Love

One look is enough. Is everything.

That Time of Year

The germs that have been flying around the office and my house have gotten to me too. Couldn't avoid getting a cold. It started Thursday night. First it was just a bit of a sore throat. I told David it wouldn't last long. I think I was trying to delude myself, more than anyone else. He said, "First it's a sore throat, then you lose your voice, then you have a blocked nose, then you get a runny nose. And then it'll be over." Eh... thanks for that, I have so much to look forward to now.

I told him I'd be fine driving to his house on Friday night (i.e. yesterday). Friday night came and I felt so sick, I called to tell him I just couldn't. Felt really guilty 'cause I knew he's been really looking forward to meeting up. I think if it was nicer weather, I might've tried to get to his house but the storms that I drove through from work (taking me double the time to get home since it was impossible to see with all that water splashing into the windows) only made me feel really sleepy.

I called to tell him. He said he expected that and would come to my house instead. I told him I was pretty sick and I didn't want him to catch it. He said he didn't care, he just really wanted to see me. I told him to be careful driving (since the route between our houses was pretty bad, especially in this weather). He said that was even more of a reason for him to come rather than me because he didn't want me driving in dangerous conditions. I told him I didn't want him to either. He said he'll be careful.

In less than an hour he was at my house. I must've looked a real mess because I was just in my home clothes and my nose was all red, my eyes watery. He said, "Someone left something at your door". I looked down to see a package. Then I realised it was from him. It was a present for our anniversary.

To be honest, last Saturday, I was a bit disappointed he didn't get me anything. When I gave him his present, I realised he didn't expect it. He thought we were celebrating by going out for dinner and then making use of the free hotel room and buffet breakfast. I wasn't too offended. He does plenty of nice things for me all year round. But I guess he felt guilty.

He got me a funky looking necklace. He said when he saw it, he liked it straight away. I couldn't help but smile inside that my boyfriend had a taste in jewellery. He also gave me my favourite dark chocolate and a card. What I loved most was what he wrote inside. It was so poetically and romantically cheesy, I couldn't stop laughing. He added, "I didn't copy it from anywhere. That's how I feel". There is no way he really feels like that about me. Come on, honestly, I'm his 'inspiration'? No way. I wanted to ask him to elaborate on what he wrote (with examples to illustrate his points) but I think that would've been a little rude and unnecessary.

Amidst all my laughing while reading it and all the "Awww....."s, he said, "You didn't think I had a poetic side, did you?" I told him I always knew he was very romantic. Being me, I had to add, "And not one mistake. I'm touched!" I didn't expect him to reply, "I wrote it on a piece of paper first". He wrote a draft?! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think that's one of the sweetest things he's ever done.

After several more readings, I noticed he did have mistakes but I didn't tell him. Didn't want to hurt him when he put in so much effort.

I remember when I used to think he wasn't smart because he couldn't write properly but now I think he's just more mathematically/science inclined. A lot more. I mean we have these logical puzzle toys that no one can ever solve. Yet when he got his hands on it, he figured it out in minutes!!! I remember telling him, "Forget it, no one ever solves that one". A minute later, he did it. Unlike everyone else who just plays around with the puzzle toy, hoping something would happen, he actually studied it to see how it was made. Then in a few simple moves solved it.

After that I was like, who cares about his English, he's a mathematical/engineering genius.

We watched Prison Break. Very suspenseful. At the end, David got so excited, he just hugged me suddenly and said, almost bouncing on the couch, "Oh Sky!!! I can't wait till next week!" And he says I'm a kid!

By the end, I could barely breathe (because my nose was so blocked). He said that if I felt the same way on Saturday night, I shouldn't go to Claudia's party. I told him I was going no matter what. I mean, April said she might not come because she was sick, so how would Claudia feel if half the people don't turn up? I would be very disappointed if I was in her shoes.

David was pretty sweet yesterday. Not that he made me tea or chicken soup or any of that stuff but he did come over and amuse me for a few hours. And sort of looked after me in his own way. I was trying not to come too close but he was like, "Why are you so far away?"

Times like these make me really happy to have a boyfriend. Someone to love me when I'm at my worst.

In Search of the 'Right' Boot

Looking for the boots I want has been a lot like looking for the 'right' guy.

I have a very clear picture of them in my mind but no matter how many shops I go to, I just can't find what I imagine in my head.

Of course boots are not as necessary as the 'right' guy but I soooo want them!

They have to be knee-length (and not shorter or longer) black (since I already have brown), nice round toe (not pointy or squared), not synthetic (because that makes your legs sweat) or suede (because my brown ones have that material and I don't want the same), nice heel (not too high, not too low, not too thick, not too sharp, not wedged, not weird). Then I prefer this specific pattern at the front that some boots have (the front material extends into the front of the boot) which makes your legs look longer. Also, no cowboy boots. I want something elegant, yet funky, can be casual, can be sexy. Did I mention comfortable? And under $200, preferably under $150, more preferably in the $70-$100 range.

Do you think I have more criteria on that list than I had for RG?

Like I used to think about RG, I doubt my perfect boots exist. Although when I was in America I found something very very close. I was about to get them when I noticed they weren't in perfect condition because they were the last pair in stock and so I didn't get them. I probably could've lived with the small scratch.

Every time I walk into a store (even if I've already been there), I get this spark of hope that this will be the time I find them. And as always, I'm disappointed.

Since I've pretty much given up trying, I look at anything that might even be a little similar. Something outside of what I imagined. Who knows, I might not even know how fantastic some boots could look on me if I don't even give them a chance, right? So I gave some cowboy looking ones a go. They were too short. I asked to try on some drooping ones but they ran out of my size.

So here I am, still hoping that one day I will find the boots that will make me happy. Hopefully by the end of this winter.