Future Present

Practical Dad: When are you and David moving in? You'd save on petrol.

Mum: when you and David are married...

The above I hear on a constant basis. I know where my 'getting carried away' gene comes from.

I don't know if my parents enjoy teasing me about David and our future or if they truly believe it's going to happen.

After I told my parents to stop with their assumptions, my Mum said, "If you are not planning on marrying him, what are you still doing with him?"

Is it hard to understand that even though I really do see a future with David, I don't want other people talking like it's 100% going to happen. Maybe subconsciously I just don't want them to jinx it (yes, my subconsciousness is a little superstitious).

Lately I've been thinking that things have been going too well, something is bound to go wrong. Don't know what but thankfully that thought hasn't taken over my life.

Another thing I noticed if that even though I'm quite an irritable person (any sign of immaturity, loud chewing, heavy breathing etc. always got on my nerves), with David, I just turn a blind eye on these things. If another person did what David does sometimes, I wouldn't tolerate it but with him, I manage to ignore this stuff. Love has messed with my nervous system... and head... and pretty much everything else.

Another Life Lesson

Today I was in my first ever car accident.

I was in the car's blind spot when it decided to go into my lane. Thank God, I was almost stationary and they didn't wreck my car as much as they could've. The worst thing was that instead of stopping, they drove off. I had moments to memorise the number plate.

When I got to the police station to report it, turned out the number plate that I remembered belonged to a truck.

So there is no way of finding this person now. That's what disappointed me the most. And I'm left with a damaged car.

It could've been worse.

Lesson learnt: life is unfair, people run away from their mistakes and leave others to deal with them.

RG Personified

Regular readers would know who I mean when I say RG. Right Guy. He was supposed to be the guy who would be right for me. Not a perfect/ideal boyfriend, but just someone who matched me. As time went on, I created a very clear picture of this RG, almost like he was a real person and not just a concept that I came up with.

I knew how he would act, what he would do, even a blurry picture of him. His likes, dislikes, hobbies etc. And I always waited to meet him. I wanted to talk to the imaginary guy inside my head. I wanted to see him in reality. I waited and waited and...

Then I met David. The problem was that he was definitely not RG. Although he and RG might've had some similarities, they were definitely not the same person. I found it diffucult to let David into my heart because in my head only RG was right for me. What if he was out there while I was here with David? That's why I was so certain that David and I couldn't, wouldn't last.

When I no longer could help but fall in love with David, I realised that I was so stuck on believing that only RG was the one I was meant to be with that I was ignoring the best discovery of my life. RG was not the Right Guy for me, it was David.

Movie Game

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Then pick one of your favorite quotes from each movie.
3. Post the quotes in your journal.
4. Have readers guess what the movie is.

Quote 1 - guessed by Jen
"I like to look for things no one else catches. I hate the way drivers never look at the road in old movies."

Quote 2 - guessed by Jen
"Or have you ever, like, seen somebody and you knew that if only that person really knew you, they would... Well, they would, of course, dump the perfect model that they were with and, and realise that you were the one that they wanted to just grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love somebody you haven't even talked to?"

Quote 3 - guessed by Mick
"Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental"

Quote 4 - guessed by Jen
"The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples."

Quote 5 - guessed by Mick
"Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. 'Ah, the man is the head of the house!'"
"Let me tell you something. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants. "

Quote 6 - guessed by Jen
Boy: Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat?
Dad:You know, that's not a bad idea. Who else can we ask not to eat? My parents and your mother.
Daughter: Why don't we just charge people? That way we can make money on the wedding?

Quote 7 - guessed by Mick
"Have you found Jesus yet?
"I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir"

Quote 8 - guessed by Mick
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Quote 9 - guessed by Kath
"My parents want to invite you over for tea on Sunday."
"I don't like tea."
"You don't have to drink tea"
"I don't like parents."

Quote 10
"You must write from the depths of your soul!"

[Hint: "I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry... There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere."]

Not sure if these are my favourite but they are what came to mind.

Evil Thoughts and the Usual Topic

I have evil thoughts. I don't know if it's stress or frustration. But I feel horrible for even thinking some things.

I had an evil feeing of excitement when there was a possibility for a couple to break up. Not my friends but still. I'm trying to excuse this thought by thinking that I don't really know this couple and maybe to me it's like wanting characters to break up in a film, for the juicy consequences.

I've also been getting really emotional lately. I feel like there are buckets of water just underneath my eyelids, waiting to spill out.

I'm pretty sure it's work stress. I keep reminding myself that at least I have a job. But it's scary to think that the project I'm working on might fall through and I will lose all chances of having my contract extended. It scares the hell out of me.

I should be doing work now but I feel so tired.

I miss David. He came over on Friday night and stayed over till this morning. I just love him so much. And I know he loves me too. He did this really touching and spontaneous thing that almost made me cry.

He also said that he wanted to spend his life with me. We even planned when we'd buy property and when we'd go to Europe. We talked about kids and weddings. A while ago he said he had always imagined he'd get married in a church and how he and his sister talked how she'd be the 'godmother' to his kids but now it wasn't going to happen. I said, "Sorry, but no". And he smiled and said, "Anyway, I have something much much better than that".

On Friday night, before David came over my Mum asked me, "So when are you getting married?" I told her not any time too soon. Then we got talking and she said how love can make people blind. I asked her if she thought I was being blind about David. She replied, "If I thought that, your Dad and I woud've thoroughly cleaned out your brain a long time ago."

I asked her what she thought of him (just out of curiousity). She said, "There's nothing obviously wrong with him. He's kind, he's smart, he's polite, respectful. Just the different culture thing." I said, "So the only negative you can think of is that he's not POBian?" Well, that's great!

On Saturday night, David and I were chatting with my brother. He was talking online to his friends, while David gave him advice on girls. It was hilarious.

D: Man, you're too slow. Just ask them for coffee.
A: I don't really like any of them that much
me: you know tons of girls, how can you not like any?
A: well, there's this POBian one [showing a photo on the computer of a girl who knows she's hot]
D: she's alright
A: she does drugs. Or did drugs. And likes to get drunk
D: man, delete any photo you have of a girl who does drugs, gets drunk or smokes. If they do drugs, you can get into a lot of trouble just knowing them. If they get drunk or smoke, they're weak! Man, come on, you don't need one like that. You need someone smart. Otherwise, you'll get bored.

I thought I was listening to myself (minus, 'man' this and 'man' that). I didn't even need to open my mouth because his was speaking for me.

You know, I always start writing thinking I'd write a really sharp and short entry that's straight to the point but then I go on a tangent about David and my entry becomes a blurry mess. I guess that's how my brain is right now. Maybe I should rename my blog to "How I Love David, and Other Bits).

On another different tangent, I've eaten a lot of rubbish on the weekend. It was very delicious rubbish, nonetheless.

From next week, Amelia and I will be going to dancing lessons which I'm really looking forward to! I desperately need some exercise and learning a new type of dance is always exciting. And of course catching up with Amelia on a weekly basis would be just excellent.

And you know what, there will be zero guys at this dance class. That, I'm 100% sure of. And I couldn't care less. Because I already found the guy I've always wanted. And not interested in the slightest of meeting someone 'better'. I know there's no one better. You can't have better than the best, now, can you?

There I am again. What can I say? Seeing David only on the weekends is just not enough. Even if we do speak on the phone every day. Just not enough. It's never enough. I seriously don't know how I'd be able to function without him. Even when I get annoyed at him, I never feel like I just don't want to see him. I'd be angry at him and all I'd be able to think would be that I want him to give me a hug.

I want to marry him. Not because I've always dreamed of getting married at my age, but just because I want to be with him ALL the freaking time. Is this bad? Is this wrong? Is this crazy? If it is, I don't care. I've never been happier.

Darren't Support

Darren Hayes is gay.

I always had my suspicions but never truly believed it. That was before I saw him live (and got to see his mannerisms - very different to the ones in his video clips) and especially before I saw on the news break that he was getting married, to his boyfriend!

Of course his sexuality doesn't affect me in the slightest but I feel a little disappointed that I used to imagine him... you know, in that way. Well, not exactly that way, but close enough. Ew.

Don't think I've mentioned this but lots of his (Savage Garden's, mostly) songs were like a soundtrack to my life and will always remind me of specific times in my life.

Crash and Burn

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore...

...When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

It was like a lullaby that soothed me as I lied in bed in my foreign exchange host family's house on New Year's Eve, all alone.

Strange Relationship

...You push and pull me and
I'm about to loose my mind
Is this just a waste of time...

...Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this
Something so right but it feels so terribly wrong
I keep holding on
Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this...

...We break up and back together
And I swore to myself never
Oh how you do me
You strip me of my honor
And I don't ever think I'm gonna
Break free of these mind games
All I'm trying to do is modify my plan
'Cause I can't contain you...

...I can't control me...

...I want you back, I want you gone
Maybe I'm sick of holding on...

This one I listened to over and over when Max was on my mind 24/7. Although Darren was probably talking about his feelings for some guy, the lyrics suited the way I felt too.

These two songs were probably the main ones, but I loved all the others too. Each of them took me away. Some were inspiring, some made me want to dance, some soothed me when I was going through the pains of growing up, some made me dream of a sweeter future. And after all those years, I can still listen to them and relate.

Just Over It

After three years, I think I'm finally getting over blogging. Of course, this is just a Sunday 8:11pm thought which could easily change as soon as I'm less tired and have more spare time.

I used to be at home more often and have more time to make stories out of minor incidents. Now I have tons more stories and no time to sit down and write them. Here are some entries I could've written about:

1. My Stalker
2. Annoyances at Work
3. Deadline Stress at Work
4. Work Lunch with Colleagues
5. Ironing Ways
6. Sex Before Marriage
7. Saturday Night With Friends - When Things Don't Go According to Plan
8. Weekend With David
9. Taped the Wrong Movie
10. Unhappy Nurses who Take Blood
11. "Do We Have Chicken?" - On the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown
12. Going To Sleep at 7pm
13. Appendicitis Scare (Liver Overload - Self-Diagnosis)
14. Grandparents' Overseas Calls to Nowhere
15. RG Personified
16. Raisin Bread Addiction
17. Effects of Tiredness = Effects of Drunkedness

And those are just the ones that I can think of at the top off my head. Seriously, I have so much material to write and no time or desire to do so.

Well, actually I do have the desire to write about David. My all-time favourite topic. But I think I'm losing readers by constantly going on about him. Not that it should really matter - my blog, my topics, right? However, we all know that bloggers don't write just for themselves; that's what diaries are for. So I will write a summary:

David is PERFECT. For me. But you all already knew that, right?

Haven't laughed so hard that my stomach was flexing more muscles than during exercise. I was just so happy, I don't think I could ever be more content.

Night Visit

David called tonight after work (he finished a few hours early) and asked if he could come over. Now. I said, "Isn't it a bit late?" and he said, "I just really want to see you." Then he said, "Do you want me to come?" I told him of course I did, it was just that I had to wake up early for work tomorrow. He said he would only come for an hour.

I can't believe he would drive 40 minutes to my house just to see me for an hour. Although he did drive here once for only 15 minutes.

Went to April's house today. It was wonderful to see her. I haven't talked properly with her for weeks. We've just been emailing each other really long emails. That's all great but it's not the same. She told me some 'interesting' things about Christine and Evan. I'm not supposed to know any of it and April is usually very good with keeping secrets but this was too big for her.

Of course I will write it here for you. Evan let Christine kiss another guy for her birthday because she was attracted to him. Are they crazy, or what?

I can just imagine David allowing me to kiss some hot guy. That's laughable. First of all, David is the hottest guy to me and second of all how could David be ok with me making out with another guy?

Evan is seriously weird. He must not have any dignity or pride. But he's the only one who will put with Christine so she's quite lucky in that regard. April thinks that not a lot of people would put up with someone like Evan either. Who would want a guy who's such a doormat and has no self-worth?

If David was ok with me kissing another guy, I'd assume that he either didn't really care that much about me or he wanted to kiss some other girl.

April thinks that Evan and Christine will be one of those couples who have 'open' relationships. That wouldn't surprise me. Nothing shocks me with Christine anymore.

I could tell April wasn't feeling too good about still being single. I wish there was a way for me to help her. I told her a bit about David and I but I stopped myself before she felt truly horrible. I guess I want to be able to share my happiness. I want to tell everyone how happy he makes me and all the little things he does for me. But I restrained myself.

If even I managed to get a guy (in the most impossible circumstances), surely her time must come too. Just hope it's soon. That girl needs some love in her life, before she becomes completely bitter and cynical. I never even realised how negative I used to be until David pointed it out. I always expected the worst. Just like April. What I didn't realise that if I always expected the worst, I didn't allow positive things to happen.

Anyway, David should be here soon. I can't help but smile already.

Our Own Little World

My Mum drives me crazy. I wish I was back at P.S. with David. Just the two of us and no one else for miles. David said, "Let's escape together, forever" and honestly that was the best suggestion I've heard in a while. Of course we'd both never do that but it was a nice fantasy. I said, "Let's" and he said, "Are you serious?!" and I said, "Yes," and he said, "Really?" and I said, "I'm as serious as you".

Although we won't be escaping anywhere, last weekend was a nice pretend.

When I got home, my Mum said, "I missed you!" and then she said, "Did you miss us?" I didn't tell her I didn't. I was perfectly happy and didn't miss anything, other than David and he was right there.

Today, she started snapping as usual which really puts me on edge. How can I miss that?!

All I miss is David David David. I know he misses me already too. He sent me a message saying so - I can't stop missing you.

April told me Christine and Evan are moving in together next month. That shocked me. I know they've been going out for years and this was inevitable. I just still can't believe that it's really going to happen. The first out of my friends to make such a big step.

Told David and he said it was not such a big thing. They have been going out for 6 years now. I guess I just always took Christine's words that she wasn't sure about having a future with Evan for real. Out of all people I should know better.

David said he thought Claudia and Nick would be next. I was watching Desperate Housewives when he called (from work) so I didn't ask him to elaborate on his prediction. I mean, Claudia and Nick only started going out a few months before us so why should they be the next ones? Does that mean they will move in together next year? That seems so soon.

Funny I should say that actually because when David said we could get serious at the end of next year when he finishes uni, that's like forever to me.

I guess it's hard for us since neither of us has a secure job. My job might finish at the end of this year and I don't know how long it'd take for him to start working full-time. I wish he was done with uni already. Why did he decide to change careers so late? Anyway... At least I found him, right?

You might remember how I mentioned that he wanted to name his kid after his real Dad but I really didn't like the name. Well, this weekend I asked him what he thought of middle names. He said he'd go for anything I was happy with.

We had a fight too. Over who would make lunch. We both wanted to make the sandwiches with the canned tuna and tomatoes that we had. We compromised. He put the tuna on the bread. I cut the tomatoes and put it on the tuna. It was the most ridiculous scene with both of us making the same sandwich.

He insisted on washing up. I insisted on making fruit salad. It makes me smile that we argued over who would do the work for the other.

We saw Take the Lead. Then we got back to our cabin and practised all the moves David remembered from the film. He remembered all the cool ones. There was this scene where one character said that dancing took her away from everything. That's exactly how I feel about it. There's nothing else that erases all the thoughts from my mind and lifts all the stress.

David talked in his sleep. He kept saying how beautiful I was. He didn't remember saying that when he woke up. I wonder if he says that when he's sleeping at home, hugging a pillow or something.

I miss him so much already, I might explode. And even though it's holidays, he's working all nights till Thursday so I can only see him on Friday. At least we can spend the whole weekend together. We're going to go dancing. I always get in the mood to dance after watching dancing movies.

I wish I was moving in with David. I wish I was getting married. I wish for him to be next to me forever.

No Reason

David sent me such a cute email:

...The reason for this email is that there is no reason at all. Ahh yeahh I just want to say that I love you and ...

It made my day.

Speeding and Shakira

I have two things to say today. They have been at the back of my mind for a while but since they are not important, I keep forgetting to mention them.

1. Since when does the right lane have a speed limit 10km above the legal one?! On the way home from work, I have to drive in the right lane and even though I'm going even a few kilometres above the speed limit, all the cars behind me start to overtake me using the left lane! Like I'm going slow or something!

2. I saw the new Shakira video clip and man, she's the best looking woman I've ever seen.

That's all.

The Hidden Truth Uncovered

I had my suspicions for a while but now I am certain. I'm even embarrassed to write this but David is a closet Big Brother fan.

I believed him when he agreed with me it was complete rubbish. I didn't even question his words. I had no reason to.

Then the clues slowly started appearing. He'd mention he caught a bit of it. I understood that to mean that he just switched on the TV and it was on. Then he'd slip some names of the housemates. That caught my guard. I asked him if he watched it. He denied everything, just said he saw 'a bit'. I let it go. Why get paranoid about nothing?

This Friday, while I was having dinner with him and his sister and the TV was on Big Brother, David was staring at the screen and asking his sister who got nominated, by names! He even menioned why he thought some were nominated.

He had an opinion on the show! He watched it! I looked him in the eye and told him that I knew. He tried to deny it again but then he realised there was no point. He couldn't fool me any longer.

He started to explain, to excuse his trashy show viewing but I wouldn't have any of it. I told him to stop and let me watch the rest of the episode in peace.

Job Swap.

Since yesterday, I'm at my temp job full-time.

The perm job had a little party for me. They got me a cake.

Another two people resigned, including the person I answered to. Everyone's sick of that place. The CEO made me help him put an ad for 5 positions! And he put the company's name in it. Everyone thinks it's going to ruin the company because it looks weird to advertise so many positions in one go. What they don't know is that there are a lot of desperate people out there who wouldn't care.

My manager was just worried that if our competitors see the ad, they'd know something's wrong.

But none of us care anymore because we're not going to be there.

My temp job has so many benefits because it's a government organisation. Any over-time I do is counted towards having days off. So if I do extra 7 hours over a period of time, I get a day off. How cool is that! I caculated that if I work 7 and a half hours every day, in 14 days, I can take a day off. That's only a little over two weeks.

I'm already inundated with work. I have two major projects that the Director wants me to do but another manager gave me heaps of work too. The Director said she will talk to everyone not to give me work. That would be so good because I don't have much time to do these projects and they said they expected to be 'wowed'. No pressure or anything!

Anyway, a challenge should be a good thing. I never thought that being a designer would require my brain to be thinking so much. It's not as easy as it seems to create something out of nothing. My brain doesn't stop thinking even after work. I was driving and all I could think about was how I was going to do these projects. How I would draw different elements that I needed to make them look realistic.

I'm still thinking about it and I should stop.

In Sickness...

David had a whole weekend off work and we had heaps of plans but he got really sick. Poor guy. I went to his house after work to help him out and he was in bed, could barely talk and couldn't breathe. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he said was, "You look so pretty".

I helped his sister make him some food. After he ate, he felt a lot better because he actually got up and started making jokes. He said he was feeling fine and he was going to come to my house today. I told him he wasn't because I didn't want him to get worse.

So I should go and get ready to visit him. I told him I was coming at 12pm.

Looking Back Into the Tunnel

Went to the library today and couldn't find one single book to take. I was there for ages and was getting quite frustrated that I didn't want to read anything that was there.

I think after reading a really great book, I don't want anything mediocre.

It'd be good if they could divide the library into two sections - the run-off-the-mill books with their formulaic plots and characters that sell and a section for real books with stories that offer new insights with a humanity quality. I'm just really sick of books that are the same. I want something different, something unique. Any suggestions, anyone?

Work wasn't too bad today. Other than having a lunch time meeting and no time to get out of the office.

I actually started to wonder if leaving the security of this job was such a good idea. Ever since I got new software, doing my work has been a lot easier. And the people are great. Yeah, I still don't have much of a lunch time but I've been leaving almost on time.

Well, it's too late to think that anyway. I'm starting at my temp job full-time again next week. I wonder if I'll hate myself if I don't have a job next year. Although, I'd probably regret not taking up this job if I stayed here.

Lately, the last three years of my life (the 'blogging years') have been flashing in my mind. The whole three years just flash in seconds. Getting through uni - all the moments in class, during breaks, holidays with school friends, April, casual jobs, operation... Then trip to USA. Looking for 'real' work followed by a series of jobs. Meeting David which opened my life to so many possibilities. And now.

Wonder what's next...

The Sum of Us

Weekend = FUN!!!
David = Happiness

You can deduce what Weekend + David equals to.

Reason #156 I love David:
On Monday while talking on the phone, I heard David crunching on something. I asked him what he was eating and he said, "Pringles... mmm". I forgot Pringles even existed so I said, "I wish I could have some". On Friday, David brought me a can of Pringles.

After a night of dancing on Friday, and we were driving past some kebab shop, I said without thinking that I felt like one. He said, "You want a kebab?" and I said, "No, it's ok, let's go home. The craving will pass". So he said, "I know you want one", turned around and stopped near the kebab place. We got one to share because I didn't want the whole thing. I ate about half and gave him the rest and he said, "That's not half, have some more". God, it was sooooo good! Dancing always makes me hungry.

Today while we were in the shopping centre and I went to the bathroom, I returned to see David coming out of a supermarket. He handed me a large Aloe Vera drink which I absolutely love but never have the chance to buy because there are not many Chinese stores around where I live. He said, "They had 2 for $3 and I know you like it so I got you one." I haven't mentioned a word about the drink in months. He must've remembered how much I like them from our trip last year where all I wanted was that drink.

Reason #98 I love David
You know what we did in the shopping centre? We spent time in bookstores and browsed different books, showing each other what we found. And we both enjoyed the kids section.

In other random weekend moments...
David said that when we get the home loan, we can get a car loan at the same time. We talked about which car we wanted. He thinks we'll need a bigger one to have space for the baby seat and the pram. I'm sure the small one would be fine. I always feel lost in big cars and can't judge the distance around them too well. Plus, I'm short and don't feel in control of a big car. The problem is that David is tall and needs room to stretch out. Well, we won't worry about this just yet. But it's good to know he's thinking about the future.

It was my parents anniversary today. They were humourously retelling stories of their wedding and the horrible honeymoon. They said it was funny now but it wasn't then. My grandparents also came over and said how they didn't even have a proper wedding ceremony. They just went in to sign the papers. And they can't remember exactly what date it was. They only remember they celebrated it on my grandma's birthday, a few days before that.

I suggested that next year for their 50th anniversary, they should have a proper wedding and that my grandma should wear a white dress to make up for the first time. That image made everyone laugh. She asked, "Do I get to wear a veil?" I think it's a brilliant idea.

All these talks of weddings made me think that I don't really care much for one (mainly because they are too expensive), other than wearing the white dress and look gorgeous. I told my Mum this and she said, "Who's going to appreciate your white dress then?" and I replied, "David". Who else?

I know lots of girls dream of weddings and all that. I must be missing that gene or something. Not that I'm against them or anything. I think they are a great idea to be the centre of attention and have a fun party where you get to wear a gown you never can on other occasions. I just much prefer the part after the wedding, like the honeymoon and the marriage. You know the times when you have a partner to do stuff with all the time. To plan things, to have fun with, to unload to, to discuss everything. Have meals together, to watch TV, to sleep etc. To me, that's the best part.

And I can't wait to have that.

Show Me the Money

I've decided to organise my finances. Not that they are a mess or anything. I just decided that I want to start recording everything I spend so I can see how much I spend on different things.

A new thought started appearing at the outskirts of my mind. And that is, I want to get a car. I rely on my parents' old car that I share with my brother for my transport to work. And to be honest, it can break down any moment. If that happens, I want to be ready to get a new one.

I don't want to get another really old one. Not saying that I want a brand new car. But I need something reliable that's going to be worth the money.

One thing that's stopping me from getting my own vehicle, other than the money, is wondering if it's worth getting a car now if in a couple of years David and I might be living together and might want to buy a car we both like. (His car has already broken down, but that doesn't stop him from driving it.)

I don't want to end up getting my own car and then having to buy another one that would be more suitable for both of us.

Yeah, I shouldn't think that far ahead, but I can't help it.

Dear David...

I did a weird thing yesterday. I was feeling down for no apparent reason. Just one of those days. So I wrote David an email. Almost like something I would write in my diary, instead I wrote it to him. It was honest, raw and sentimental. Something that would undoubtedly make me squirm later. And with each key stroke, I felt like the blank sadness was leaving me.

I asked him (in the email) not to mention that email to me if he ever read it.

When I was talking to him on the phone today and we were saying goodbyes, he asked, "Are you feeling better?" I assumed he meant my stomach but when he said, "I just want to know how you are", I later, after hanging up, realised that he was talking about the email.

Tomorrow is his last exam so we're going dancing. I'm just looking forward to seeing him.

Where My Career Leads

Today I resigned from my permanent job.

Didn't I mention that the temp job offered me a position? Guess not.

I was so nervous today. I really didn't think that resigning would stress me out that much. But it had to be done.

And now I feel light-hearted that this is all over and I only have to work one more week at this tiresome place.

When I told my manager, she asked if there was anything she could offer me that would make me stay. "More money, more resources, anything?" I didn't expect that at all, considering we both know the company doesn't have any money, resources or anything. She said, "I knew we should've taken you out of that other job earlier! I'm going to call them up and tell them you're not that good but we don't mind keeping you."

When I walked into the CEO's office with an envelope in my hand and told him I was resigning, he said, "I know". I guess he had plenty of people walk into his office with an envelope in their hands and an apogetic expression on their faces.

I handed him the envelope and he said, "Thank you for the love letter".

I emailed Eve to tell her I resigned and she replied, "Fantastic!"

Well, the decision wasn't even that hard.

The position that was created for me will definitely last till the end of the year but after that I might become unemployed. However, after lots of consideration I decided this was a risk worth taking. I mean, I get so irritated with the perm job which is going nowhere. I love my temp job. And there's a good chance this contract might be extended even further. Plus, money is great (for me). That's always a good thing.

I feel like my life is creating a very obvious path for me right now and I have no chance but to follow it.

Heaven

Talked to David and everything's fine now. I was being over-sensitive. Nothing unusual when I'm sick. He seemed to find this quite funny.

I said, "All you care about is that I get better by Friday so we could go out".
He said, "Yes, so?"
I said, "You wouldn't care if I get better otherwise".
He said, "Of course I do!"
I said, "That's not what you said".
He said, "Well, that's what I meant".
I said, "So when you said, 'Stop bludging', you really meant, 'Get better soon'?"
He said, "Yes!"

I said, "I told you I don't have a sense of humour when I'm sick. You should be nicer to me then".
He said, "I'm always nice".
I said, "No, you're not".
Silence.
I said, "Why aren't you laughing anymore?".
He said, "I don't have a sense of humour now".
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "It went on a break."
I said, "Yeah, it overdid itself."
He started laughing.
I said, "I thought it was on a break".
He said, "The break ended. It's back to pick on you again".

So amidst all this laughing he told me that last week when he was feeling down and was thinking about me, he dedicated a song to me on the radio. He was listening the whole week so he could tape the dedication and then surprise me. But he didn't hear it so he thought he'd just tell me.

I was seriously stunned. David dedicated a song to me?!!!

I asked him if he had the email he sent to the program and he said he didn't. Damn. I would've LOVED to read it! I asked him what he wrote and he said, "Oh, just how we met and how I feel about you".

I must've been jumping out of my skin. I wanted to know every single word! I tried to get out of him what he wrote. He said something about how I was always there for him, when he was sad and when he was happy. I asked, "Did you say you loved me?" and he said, "Of course".

Every time I listened to that radio program, I always wondered what song David would dedicate to me if he ever rang up. (You know how my mind gets carried away.) And he dedicated the 'perfect' one:

Heaven by Bryan Adams (David's the only other person I know who likes this singer. I just imagine David's singing those words to me.)

Oh - thinking about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free

Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me coming back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feeling down

Yeah - nothing could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
'Cause our love will light the way

And baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

I've been waiting for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah - I'll be standing there by you

And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Although now, I will never know exactly what he wrote, I find so much comfort in that really sweet and thoughtful gesture, that I don't think I can get upset at his 'lack of sensitivity during sickness'.

Before we hung up, he said, "Hope you feel better".

How can I not?

Not a Laughing Matter

80% of my weekend was spent in bed. Fortunately I'm feeling better now. I can tell this because I'm finally able to get up and actually want to eat. (You could really tell I was sick when the sight of chocolate and fresh bread made me want to throw up.)

I'm still getting stomach cramps but it's not a constant anymore. And I don't feel like sleeping or even lying down. Definitely must be getting better.

Went to the doctor on Saturday but he couldn't find anything wrong with me. Said it was a bad case of the flu. I never knew you could have a flu without having a sore throat or a blocked/runny nose. My stomach was just in pain and he discovered I had a fever (something I very rarely have).

Was annoyed at David. When he called, he said, "Stop lazing around". I told him that's not exactly what I wanted to hear when my stomach was hurting. He said, "I was just trying to cheer you up". How cheery of him.

Ok, so I know he's stressing about his exams but he could've at least been a bit nicer to me. I don't think he understands the concept of illness because he's never really been ill. He doesn't know what it's like to feel so weak, you can't get up. I mean, I couldn't even remember a time when I felt like that. Still, he wasn't as sensitive about the whole thing as I would've liked.

I guess I just wanted to know he was worried about me and I really didn't get a sense of that at all. And I got even more annoyed when he said, "I wish I didn't have exams so I could look after you" and I said, "No you don't," and he said, "But it sounded good" and started laughing. So I got mad. He thought it was really funny. I explained to him that I didn't have any sense of humour when I was sick and he was like, "Oh, why not?" Someone wasn't getting my point at all.

Then today, even though I was feeling better, I told him that I might not be able to go dancing with him this Friday to celebrate the end of his exams if I'm still not feeling the best (so it doesn't get worse). And rather than saying, "Of course not, we'll go another time. I just want you to be in perfect health as soon as possible", he said, "Oh! But that's all I really wanted to do this Friday".

Argh.

And when I wished him good luck for his exams tomorrow, he didn't even wish for me to get better.

I might be acting like a child but he raised my standards of him. Before he was always extra caring. So now I expect him to always be like that.

The IT Guy

He calls. He asks for me. He asks how I am. He makes jokes. He hates Macs too. He's patient. He goes that extra bit to help, even though he could just send someone else and make us pay hundred of dollars.

Yes, he's our IT guy. I only know his voice but that's enough to improve my mood at work.

I always remind myself how good it is to have a job, but somehow I still feel frustrated, bored, anxious and annoyed at work. Things never work. I end up fixing for most of the days. The smell from the warehouse gives me headaches.

So when I answer the phone and hear his friendly voice, I feel like there's one person I can chat with to break the monotony (almost wrote monogamy) of my day. Not that we have conversations about anything other than technical problems but that doesn't matter. These discussions are adorned with extra remarks that add some cheer to my thoughts.

As David said to me last night, "You are always welcome to distract me". I hope the IT guy knows that too.