The Film Moment

Last night David and I went to watch a movie. He told me to come to his house 7:30 sharp so we wouldn't be late but when I got there, he was still in the shower. His stepdad (who opened the door for me) was actually friendly to me (unlike before).

I waited in his room and it was funny when he came out with his towel around his waist (like one of those typical films or Passions). For some reason I got a bit embarrassed and tried not to look at him, which was quite silly because 1. he's my boyfriend and 2. he wasn't naked.

He asked me for his opinion on which jeans he should wear. Like I cared. He looked good in all of them. Then, he asked me for my opinion on what to wear to the cocktail birthday party next weekend. I convinced him that wearing light pants was a definite no but couldn't make him see that wearing his blue shirt would make him look much cooler than the cream one.

I'm a bit nervous about introducing him to my uni friends. None of them know I have a boyfriend so it'll be interesting to see their reactions when for the first time in four years I bring a guy to a party.

Anyway, we went to see Monster-in-Law and there was this quote when the guy says to Jennifer Lopez's character that even though he only knew her for a few months, he felt it was a lot longer and something along the lines of him waiting all his life for someone like her (don't remember the exact details). So while he's doing that little speech, David turned to me and said, "That's us".

He was laughing so hard during the movie and it had the typical cliche jokes. But it's fun to have a boyfriend who likes watching movies that are aimed at the female audience.

Falling

I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are

- "Falling Into You", Celine Dion

I can feel myself falling somewhere I didn't expect and didn't think was possible. I can feel it starting and I don't know if it will stop. And if it doesn't, I wonder where it will lead. And if I'm going to land with a crash. Because once the falling starts, it's hard to stop. Just hope that when this fall ends, I'm in a soft and fluffy marshmallow cloud.

Inspiration

In my head, in his

On a bench

In a car - at the front, at the back
At the highway toll
At the train station
On the train

Dancing - in a club, near the water, on the cliffs, on the grass

Against the rocks
On the beach
Near the ocean
On a boat
On the steps
On a hill
Under the bridge

Sitting down, standing up, lying down
On one couch, on the other
On the sofa
On a chair
On the bed
On the floor
In the corridor
In the kitchen

On a street
In the corner
In the open
In a lift

In love

My Favourite Girl

April's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was expecting her next week so it was such a nice surprise to check our private blog and see that she posted last night!

Can't wait to talk to her tomorrow (too late to call tonight). I missed that girl SOOOOO much! I'm so excited now!

First thought that came to my head after I found out she was back was, "I want to call David to tell him". What a weird thing to think. But anyway, can't wait to talk and see her. We have LOTS to catch up on!

YAAAAAAAY!!!

The Ethics of Blogging

As I was writing about another thing about David, I started to realise (not for the first time) that I'm not too comfortable sharing our precious moments with the rest of the world (especially people who know me). The blog is starting to become not just about me but about him and it's not fair for me to talk about him so openly with so many strangers (and maybe not strangers). Just doesn't feel right anymore.

I guess I could start some blog which lets me moderate who reads it so I can be sure that no one I know has access to my thoughts but I don't know if anyone would read that stuff. And it wouldn't be really personal things but just more of what I've been writing recently. Hmm, I don't know.

I've been meaning to say this for a while: I'm very interested in who reads this. If you read this regularly (i.e. you return to it, even if only once every few months), post a word in the comments. Any word. I dare you.

Being Friends With My Boyfriend

Last night David and I have done something we've never done together before. We laughed so hard, I had tears rolling from my eyes. Felt so good to be able to laugh with him as much as I laugh with my friends.

We met up after work and caught the train to his house. Felt kinda strange but so good. We had dinner at his house. Had a more substantial chat with his Mum (than the previous "Hi, how are you?"). His Mum had a friend over and David introduced me as his girlfriend. I don't think I'd introduce him to my parents' friends as "my boyfriend". I'd probably just say, "This is David". His Mum is so sweet and friendly. I hope that behind all her smiles she's not thinking, "I hope he finds someone better soon". I also talked to his sister again. For some reason, I feel like I have to try to impress her the most. I'm sure she's not as protective of her big brother as I am with Andy.

After hanging out in his room where I evened out the (board/card) game score by winning, we drove to my house. He told me how Ria and another friend asked him how we (as a couple) were going. He said we were going well and that we complemented each other. What a nice way of putting it. I never really thought about it that way but it's so true. All our differences seem to balance each other out. The other 'friend' also asked him how our sex life was going to which he told her it was none of her freakin' business. Glad to know he's not into discussing us with people he knows.

When we got here, we sat in the car discussing some deep topics. I told him what I imagined RG to be like. He was interested so I told him the truth. I said that I was telling him as a friend because it can be a sensitive area to talk about as a couple when personal feelings are involved. And it's not like he didn't know that I'm not into people getting drunk and have strong opinions about religion etc. He told me his perfect girl and then he said he's worried that I fit more of his points than he fits mine. I said my list was longer so it was probably the same proportionally.

He also said that I was the first person who was interested in what he was really like (since I asked him about what his bad characteristics were because I wanted to know all of him). When I asked him what he thought was a bad thing about me, he said that I don't wear strong perfume. In my head that meant I smelled bad so I got really embarrassed and moved away. He laughed and said that's not what he meant. He said he was just used to South American women having really strong scents. I told him I had a really sensitive smell so even a little bit of a scent was too strong for me. He said he knew that and didn't mind that much, it was just the only bad thing he could think of.

I think he liked it when I said that I liked him so much, his bad things (or things that were not on my RG list) weren't important.

He asked if it bothered me that I wasn't that experienced in relationships. I said it didn't and that it only bothered me when I didn't have a boyfriend. He said he was worried that any day I would decide that I want to get more experience. Couldn't believe he was still insecure about that. I told him about how 'someone' tried to set me up with a POBian guy but I just couldn't do it because I was happy being with him and didn't want anyone else.

At my house, at about 1:30am when we were having a snack, Andy came back so we all sat around the kitchen table chatting. I'm so happy now that my two favourite guys have talked with each other. Haven't spoken to Andy yet about what he thought 'cause he left for work before I woke up today.

I wonder if I'm romanticising us or if it really is so good. He's not the type of guy I imagined for myself but we fit so well together. I love how we can be just good friends and nothing more, but we can also be a couple. Having that perfect combination makes it seem too perfect.

New Work Office

The people at my work are so amusing. I think they went through some politeness brainwashing course that makes them say polite things randomly.

Example 1
me: can you please sign my timesheet?
boss [after signing]: thank you

Example 2
on Friday afternoon
me: see you on Monday
60 year old worker (getting flustered): yeah, sure thing, have a good one too

Example 3
me: how do you do this?
60 year old worker: [blah blah blah]
me: oh ok
60 year old worker: yeah, thanks

My boss also has an interesting way with words.

boss: can you lasso Tom's stapler to him?
me: what?
boss: boomerang it back
me: return it?
boss: yeah, return it

Missing Him Already

I miss him so much it hurts. I know I've only seen him last night. I think I'm falling way too deep into this relationship and getting too attached. It's too hard to keep myself at a distance knowing that we have no future.

Even last night, he said something that really disappointed me. He said, "I shouldn't have told you". I told him I'd rather be disappointed than not know the real him. He's well aware that his 'wild' side worries me. He said he's learnt to keep it under control and that he really appreciates my opinion and he's trying not to do risky things anymore because he doesn't want me to be disappointed in him.

I'm feeling a little torn because my brain can't make up its mind about him. Do I just love having an attractive South American boyfriend who's too much fun on the dance floor and who thinks I'm special or do I like him for the person he is inside? The lines seem too blurred.

The Whisper

"I love you"

"What?!"

"What?"

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'I want to hug you'"

"Is that what you really said?!"

"Yeah, why?"

"I thought you said something else."

"What?"

"Oh nothing, you just scared me for a moment"

Am I imagining things? I swear I heard him right and he only said three words. Was he not thinking what he was saying? Was he testing how I'd react? Am I going crazy?

Job, Where Are You?

Yesterday I had a job interview (with an agent). I was so excited about it because I haven't had any interviews for way too long. The agent called up the director of the company who was looking for an assistant and in front of me left a message about how excellent he thought I was for the job. He told me the director has just returned from some business trip and when he got back to him, he'd call me so I could meet him.

He still hasn't called. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything but man, I really need a proper full-time job. Not that I'm not enjoying my part-time one (having days off is great) but my career has to start taking off sometime soon.

Behind Closed Doors

Scenario 1
A guy is wonderful and charming to everyone but treats his girlfriend badly.

Scenario 2
A guy is a jerk to everyone but treats his girlfriend like a queen.

I was just thinking if scenario 2 is any better than scenario 1. And what would be the reasons for some guys to behave like that. Any thoughts?

Dad and David

My Dad's not the most social guy (even though he has great social skills). All my life, it was always a struggle to get my friends to come over to my house because he'd always be like, "Can't you go to their place instead?" or "As long as I'm not here when they come" or "They've been here a few months ago. It's too often" or "No, I don't feel like listening to any noise". Uhm, hello? I think you're confusing my friends with my brother's. My ones don't make any noise. But anyway.

However, now if I say, "Is it ok if David comes over?" even if I've seen him a day ago, he'd be like, "Of course, it's ok" and give me a look like "What a silly question".

So strange...

Relationship Education

I've been learning a lot of things recently and it's been getting harder to apply my pre-boyfriend thoughts.

Lesson 1: He Cares, He Cares Not
Before I started getting comfortable with David, I would worry that if I said I didn't like something about what he did (with good intentions), he would stop liking me. On Saturday I realised that if the other person likes you too, they worry about pleasing you just as much.

We were dancing at a club and every time I'd look into his eyes (to enjoy the feeling of being with him), he'd take that as his cue to kiss me. I told him I didn't want to be kissing at a crowded club, but he kept doing it (and not your innocent little kiss) so after about the third time, I got angry that he wasn't listening to me and pushed him back (not obvious to other people or anything, but hard enough for him to notice). He was surprised and said in an offended voice, "You pushed me!" so I told him in a really stern voice that I was serious and to not do that again. He said he was only playing, but I couldn't go back to my joyful mood because I started thinking how he was supposed to care about me and not continue doing things I asked him not to, considering he knows how I feel about PDA.

He picked up on my mood immediately. I thought he was going to get upset that I was acting like that but he got more worried that I might stop liking him so he started apologising and asking me if I was ok and if I wanted anything. I realised that now that he was clear that I wasn't enjoying his game, I needed to stop being upset and not ruin the rest of the night for myself. After some effort and David being extra sweet and nice to me (trying to make up for his earlier behaviour), I made myself have a good time.

Lesson 2: The Closer You Get, The More Vulnerable You Become
Since from the very beginning I was sure that David and I would never have a serious future, I always distanced myself from him. I didn't want to get too close to him and be totally open because that would only increase the hurt when we eventually broke up. However, David has this ability to totally draw me in. Ever since that day when he accepted that I never had a boyfriend and didn't make me feel embarrassed about it at all, I felt like I could be open with him without him using that personal information to hurt me.

Then when my urticaria started playing up once and he noticed my hands were getting red patches all over, he asked me about my 'allergy' (which I mentioned I had). I tried to blow it off because I didn't want to talk about health problems (because I didn't want to show any signs of weakness) but he just kept asking (even when I told him it was a long story). So I told him everything. It kinda felt good to talk about it because I don't talk about that with anyone. When I told him how painful it was to get the gallstone attacks, he just gave me the warmest hug and said how much he liked me the way I was (with allergies and all).

When he shared his personal information, I felt even more comfortable being open with him because I had his sensitive details as weapons for any personal attacks. (God, as I'm writing this, I'm realising that I shouldn't think in this way.)

So when I found out that the poem he sent me wasn't really made up by him, I was SO disappointed. I know he never said he made it up but I assumed he did because it related to me. All that time I was thinking it came from his heart, it came from some ad (advertising those numbers you can SMS to get a poem) on TV. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he didn't write it himself or that he paid $5 for it.

He said he didn't want to lie and say he wrote it. I told him I appreciated his honesty but I was just disappointed.

If I didn't start to feel too comfortable with him, I wouldn't feel so crushed about it.

Lesson 3: No Guarantees
I realised I'd rather spend the rest of my life with him than another 25 years alone and the rest of my life with RG. Because there is simply no guarantee that I will find that guy who would feel like a soulmate.

Doesn't mean I'm going to run to marry him but it's not definitely out of the question (in the future) like it used to be. Even though I've only known him for a few months, I've had the most deepest conversations with him about life. We talk so much (about everything) which I absolutely love. I don't even mind that we disagree on some things. Then, add a physical connection to the emotional and mental one and it becomes too good. The horrible original kiss has been replaced by many wonderful ones.

Last night I went to his house and he was changing his uni enrolment for the next session so I was helping him to decide what he should do. It felt like we were just friends hanging out. Then, we played chess. He looked so innocent thinking about his move. I was so distracted watching him think that I lost. It's weird how he can sometimes act and look so innocent playing chess or showing me a card trick (or figuring out my one too quickly) or checking his uni timetable and other times he turns into a not very innocent boyfriend.

How do I know that I would find someone better?

Public Display

David came to have lunch with me before going to a job interview. (He wants to quit his current one.) He definitely cheered up my day. We didn't have much time to talk but it was better than nothing. It was so cool to have a boyfriend to meet for lunch. I wanted to scream to everyone that the gorgeous guy next to me was mine. Although I guess that would've been pretty obvious since David has a habit of always holding my hand or having his arm around me. I can't say I'm a fan of PDA (Public Displays of Affection), which he knows but I've stopped caring about little things like holding hands. Plenty of people do that.

This very morning, on the train, my Mum (who was with me) kept pointing out how annoying the couple in front of us was being and all I saw the woman do was lean on the guy's shoulder. Although my Mum did say they kept kissing (since she had a better view of them). The couple was also multi-racial, which of course reminded her of David and I. She asked if David and I acted like that, to which I sarcastically said that of course we did and that the couple was nothing compared to us. That's the only way I can answer questions like that.

After work, I met up with Andy because I promised him I'd go shopping with him. Mum insisted on coming too. I've been wanting to buy knee-length boots for a while now but haven't found a pair that I liked (especially since I keep remembering the perfect ones I found in America last year but didn't get because the last ones they had left weren't in perfect condition). Today, I saw similar ones which looked quite good. But too attention-seeking. I get uncomfortable in any clothes/shoes that stand out too much, no matter how good they look. And even though I remember saying that I want a boyfriend to appreciate how I look in stuff like that, I've kinda changed my mind. I don't know why but it makes me uncomfortable when even if I wear casual clothes, David would look at me like I've put on some tiny dress or something. Even though, of course there's a part of me that likes to feel attractive (who doesn't?), there's a part that just gets all self-conscious. I wonder how I got like that.

me: what do you think of these boots?
Mum: they're sexy
me: o-ok, I'm putting them back
Mum: you should wear sexy clothes
me: Mum! You're not supposed to say things like that!
Mum: why not? Have you seen what some girls wear?
me: yes, but I'm not them. Why don't you wear clothes like that if you like them so much?
Mum: I would, if I was your age

I swear, some things that come out of my Mum's mouth! She can't be like other mothers and tell me to go back and put on a jumper or something.

Days With David

So much in my head, so little time to write. Really should go to sleep since I have to wake up early for work tomorrow. I would say I don't feel like going to work but I'll be meeting David for lunch so the whole day seems better already.

The last 2 days/nights have been incredible. One moment I'd be sitting there thinking I don't have a future with this guy, what am I doing stringing him along, and the next I'd feel such content and happiness that he's with me I never want to be without him. Any loneliness that I've had for the last I don't know how many years because I didn't have that special someone to connect with and be there for me has totally evaporated. He's becoming closer to me than April. Which is a huge thing. I can talk to him about anything and I know he'll listen.

He makes me feel good about everything. I don't even remember what stress feels like because as soon as it starts to come on for whatever reason (usually the job situation), I'd just think of him or talk to him, and I calm down immediately.

Too Good Too Soon

Last night turned out to be a bit emotionally exhausting. One minute David and I were talking about going for a trip somewhere and the next he just got all distant. I thought maybe he didn't really want to go on any trips with me even though he was the one who brought it up. Maybe he regretted saying it. So I changed the subject but he was still all quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". After he continued to be all withdrawn for a while, I asked him again and again he said he was fine. I decided to stop bugging him because maybe he was fine and it was all in my head that something wasn't right.

Later when we were sitting on a couch in the middle of an almost empty shopping centre and talking about happiness (in general), he asked, "Is there anything bothering you in this relationship?" and I thought, "Oh oh, he's going to break up with me". I said, "The only thing that's bothering me is that something seems to be bothering you". When he said there was, I started getting worried. Did he think we were getting too serious? Was he freaked out by that? Did he not really like me?

He said he was feeling insecure. I was like, "What?" How could he be feeling insecure about anything? He always acted so confident. He told me he felt he was just an experience in relationships for me and that I didn't like him as much as he liked me. I told him I was so relieved that was the problem because that's not how I felt at all. I told him I thought it was pretty obvious that I liked him a lot and that I didn't want to scare him off by being even more obvious. He said it wasn't obvious at all. I almost had to laugh. All those times I was trying to be more subtle about how much I liked him so he wouldn't freak out, he was actually thinking I didn't really like him that much.

He, also, said that when we were talking about going for a trip and I said I already planned to go to [one of the major Australian cities] with Sally instead of him, he felt like he was just an extra thing in my life, not a major part of it. I told him he was the best thing in my life right now and it felt so uncomfortable saying that. I told him how much and how long I've wanted to have someone to connect with and that I was pretty upset about not finding anyone which was why I was so happy to have met him. I could feel my face go red as I was saying that because it was so personal. He said he really wanted to meet someone like me for a really long time too and that he liked when I was so honest with him.

I told him to tell me if something was wrong when I asked him so I wouldn't feel like I was imagining things. He said he had a thought that we should break things off but he knew he'd regret that because he liked me so much. I asked him why would he want to break up if he liked me. He said he was scared he liked me way too much and this was too good and that he would eventually get hurt anyway because I didn't like him as much. I told him that was the silliest reason to break up. I mean, seriously, who breaks up because things are too good? He said he agreed, which is why he didn't break up, but he just wanted to tell me what he thought.

I said, "Don't you think this is getting too serious? We've only been going out for a month. That's very short." He said, "A month is nothing but I can't help feeling so strong. Not that it's love or anything." Phew! He almost had me there. I don't believe in falling in love with someone after one month. That's ridiculous. It even scared me that he mentioned it at all. I confirmed his point that it was definitely not love. But then he said something that didn't really register with me. Did he say, "But it's close to it" or "I think I feel some of it" or "I think I can love you"? Can't remember now, probably because it freaked me out so much. He said, "Are you freaking out now?" I said I wasn't really but was just too shocked because I didn't realise he liked me that much. He said he was worried he liked me more than I liked him. I said that I liked him so much already, it was hard to comprehend how he could like me more.

He said he liked me so much he was willing to change for me, like not go overseas next year like he planned, because he'd much rather be with me. I said next year seemed a long way away. But I guess planning for a long trip takes a while... I wish I could ask him to change his religious and political views (and some of his ugly T-shirts) but I just said that I didn't want him to change at all. I told him I could not believe he said he would change for me! I don't think I could breathe properly. I swear if I didn't like him as much as I do, I would've started to feel really suffocated. Kept alternating between two states of mind - being so happy that there was someone wonderful who was so into me and feeling a little claustrophobic that he was feeling like that so soon, like it wasn't really real.

Anyway, I'm just glad to have some time away from him today to think things over. It was so weird seeing him so totally open about how he felt. He also said that he analysed everything I said. Never thought he was the type to analyse. It's like his outer layer of total confidence was completely gone. The feeling of power to be so much influence on someone is incredible.

Taboo Topics

Sometimes when I look over at David (usually in his car, going somewhere) I can't believe he's my boyfriend. When will this feeling wear off?

We had a minor argument. About politics. He said to me, "I try not to talk about it but you always bring it up".

"I just mentioned the London thing and you said they deserved it!!!"

"The innocent people didn't deserve to die but the government had it coming."

"Violence isn't the way to solve problems."

"I'm all for negotiations! But US didn't negotiate with Saddam Hussein"

"Saddam Hussein is insane!"

"So was the Syrian guy. He was a murderer and they negotiated with him!"

"I can't talk to you about this."

"There's one way to solve that"

"What's that?"

"Us not seeing each other anymore"

"No."

"No?"

"I don't like that solution."

So we made up. But I felt weird inside because I realised that there really was no chance for a future for us. His views were too different. He said it was because he was from South America and everyone there shared his perspective.

After that, we managed to have some good conversation. I found out more about his past. And told him about mine. It was so good to talk to him about what I was like and how I managed to go through all my teenage years without a boyfriend. Told him I started to think that I'd never meet anyone. He said he felt like he was the lucky one to meet me because I was so different to others girls he's been with. And watching me play piano was fascinating and the he liked how I did artistic stuff like that. All those painful years of practising piano finally has extra benefits. Then, he said some really sweet things which really made me stuck for words. I said, "You always say such nice things to me" and he replied, "You deserve it".

He, then, surprised me. He told me that when he asked me about what time the bus came that very first time we met, he knew what time it came and that it wasn't his first time catching it. And that he didn't even see my face properly. And that I was the fourth person he talked to at the bus stop. The first two times, were some guys and the third was a girl who turned out to be in one of his subjects. So I told him about my Bus Guy Collection and that I thought he was just another addition.

I wasn't even offended that he lied. I was happy he did because I would still be single if he hadn't. I told as long as he didn't lie about the important things, I didn't care.

Also talked about more personal things. I made it clear I wasn't going to sleep with him because I didn't want to have sex if love wasn't involved. Didn't say that I didn't want to have it until I got married, but love and marriage are pretty much intertwined for me because I'd want to marry the guy I fall in love with.

I was watching closely for his reaction for any signs of how he felt about what I said. He didn't act surprised or taken aback or anything like that. He said that even though he was a guy and people expected him to want to sleep with girls, he couldn't act like that. He couldn't have the physical without the emotional. He said he did that before and didn't feel too good about it and that it wasn't worth it. He said he was perfectly happy just being with me.

Anyway, that was good to sort out so he knew how I felt about that. He's pretty good with stuff like that. He always tells me to tell him to slow down if I feel it's getting too much. It makes it easier to like him when he doesn't pressure me about that stuff.

Damn, if only we could sort out the religion/politics problem, it would be perfect.

Just Happy

Work seems to go for soooooooooo long because it's soooooooo boring. But I don't mind too much because I have a boyfriend. I always used to say that having a boyfriend would make any problem easier. And I was right. I had worries that I was just one of those people who could never be happy and now I'm relieved that my only problem was being single. And now that's been fixed, everything else seems minor and not worth worrying about in the long run.

The best thing about my current job is that it's in the city and therefore there are tons of places to go to have lunch. So not having someone to have lunch with isn't so bad. I entertained myself people-watching. There are so many people having lunch by themselves, I wish I could just go and talk to them. The youngest person who works with me is in her thirties so can't be friends with her. Especially that she's not the friendly type. Would be great to have someone to chat with on my break but oh well. At least I'm not in the middle of nowhere like last time.

After lunch, I ran into Kelly. She told me she hangs out with the same people as Nadine. That was so suprising since Nadine never mentioned that. It made me miss having people my age to spend the working day with. I still feel like such a kid. I just want to do fun things all day and talk with people my age and not have the same routine every day. I wonder if I'll ever grow out of that...

Unintentionally started complaining about my frustration with not being able to find a career-related job to David yesterday. And my worry that he thinks less of me because of it came out. Of course, he said all the right things to make me feel better. Told me to be patient and to just keep trying. I wanted him to tell me that he was certain I was going to find a job because other people's confidence in me builds more in myself. But he didn't.

I'm so going with the flow with this relationship. There are good and bad things (about him) but the good always outweigh the bad. The major thing that outweighs his bad characteristics is that he always has the ability to make me feel absolutely wonderful and special. And no one (except my family) has ever made me feel that way. And being the self-centred person that I am, I'm stuck on that. It's like a drug. At first I was waiting for the moment when he would drop his act of a very caring and sweet guy but after a few months of knowing him, I'm starting to think that maybe he's naturally caring and sweet.

I really have no idea how it's going to end but I'm enjoying every moment of something that I've wanted for way too long.

me: you have an eyelash. Make a wish
David: you make a wish too
me: mine already came true
David: ohhhh! You're learning the skill of sweet-talking!
me: yeah, it's contagious

Lately, I'm noticing that I'm writing about how happy I am and I don't want to become one of those smug people who are in a relationship. I don't even want to be making excuses for what I write because this was always just supposed to be an online diary so anyone who stumbled on it would feel like finding someone's private journal. So if it sounds like I'm showing-off, all I'm really doing is gloating in my own happiness. Writing about the wonderful things that happen only extends them for me.

Beautiful Day

I had one of the most wonderful days today. But then again, any whole day with David is pretty wonderful.

We went to a nearby beach and walked around there for several hours. Jumping around uneven rocks is so much more fun when there's a guy right behind/in front of you. We had lunch on the grass overlooking the ocean which was hypnotising as usual. We had a lot of good conversation (mainly quite silly but some relatively serious).

In the afternoon, we went back to my house where we ate and talked some more.

David: did you ever think you'd be making out on this couch?
me: no
me [thinking]: I didn't think I've ever be making out because I already planned out my spinster life

Now I cannot look at that couch the same way again.

I always knew that David was a sweet-talker but today he really got me. He said I was skinny! Which I'm definitely not. Ask anyone (except him). He really knows how to get to a girl's heart.

I asked him if he would still like me if I was fat. He said he wouldn't. I asked if he only liked me because I wasn't fat and he said there's were many reasons why he liked me. I said, "So if I got fat, all the many reasons wouldn't matter?" He said he wouldn't stop liking me if I got fat because he liked my personality too much. I told him it was ok 'cause I only liked him for his looks, anyway.

He said he couldn't believe I never had a boyfriend at uni which was so flattering. Should've asked him why he couldn't believe it. Maybe next time...

I tried to teach him piano but when I gave him a little demonstration, he was so impressed he kept asking me to play more. Finally there's something I can impress him with. He showed me more salsa moves. I'm thinking of dropping the class 'cause he teaches me more for free and there's the advantage of not having to dance with sleazy old men. I don't know why but I get really shy when he tries to teach me the dance steps. It was weird dancing by ourselves in my living room.

I'm only seeing him on Friday next. It took forever to say good-bye to him. Almost like we weren't going to see each other for months, rather than just two days. I miss him already.

Meet the Boyfriend

David met my family last night and my family met David.

Mum's Reaction
me: what did you think?
Mum: I didn't really see him properly
me: what do you mean?! You saw him!
Mum: but I didn't want to stare
me: but you did
Mum: did I?
me: yes
Mum: well, he's a nice boy
me: what do you mean 'nice'?
Mum: he's a cute boy
me: I thought you said he looked chubby in the photo
Mum: well, he wasn't. He was quite cute. But that's not what's important. As long as he treats you well.
me: I know. But you think he's cute?
Mum: yes, he is

Andy's Reaction
me: so?
Andy: I like him
me: you only said hello to each other
Andy: I could tell his personality though
me: how?!
Andy: he said, "How's it going?" when he shook my hand. That shows he's friendly. And when I said, "Have fun", he said, "You too"
me: he did?
Andy: yes. He didn't say, "Thanks" or "I will" which shows he's not self-involved. And he had a good handshake.
me: ohhh, what was it like?
Andy: not too hard but not too soft
me: so from all this, you decided he's a good person?
Andy: yep. When do I get to hang out with him?

Dad's Reaction
Dad: approve, approve

I don't know why I was worried how my family would take him because I shouldn't have doubted David's social skills. He said all the right things and was his usual charming self.

We had the house to ourselves for a few hours when he came over. Even though I haven't fully recovered from my flu, I was so happy to see him, I felt extra energetic. I was acting like a kitten around a ball of wool. I remember how at the beginning I would get really nervous to say/show how I felt about him but yesterday the nerves were pretty much gone. I was more spontaneous. Like when he tried to teach me some more complicated salsa moves and I couldn't concentrate 'cause I couldn't get over how attractive he looked and rather than just keeping it to myself, I said it. He laughed and...

Since I have a day off work tomorrow and so does he, we'll be spending the day together. Should be wonderful. Hopefully my nose will decide to unblock itself by then so I can breathe. The idea of having a weekday off is starting to make me feel guilty since I purposely have it off work every week so I can call up about job ads (something that was extremely difficult, if not impossible, when I was doing temp work full-time last time). Didn't want temp work to get in the way of me finding a real job this time. But a post about the frustration of my career crisis will be saved for another day.

The Longest Dream

Could it be the little things you do to me
Feelings that I'm feeling are so new to me
I'm going through so many changes
Nothing ever felt as strange as
How my heart goes crazy
When you look at me.

When I'm with you it's paradise
No place on Earth could feel so nice
Through the crystal waterfall I hear you call
Just take my hand it's paradise
You kiss me once I'll kiss you twice
As I gaze into your eyes I realise it's paradise

Now I know the sweetest dreams can all come true
Cuz I found heaven here on Earth when I found you
It's nothing I can ever make up
I hope I never wake up
Just to find this isn't true reality.

- "Paradise", Kaci

me: do you believe in heaven?
me [in my head]: please say no
David: I believe you can make your own paradise on Earth
me [in my head]: perfect answer

Some mornings when I wake up, I feel like I've dreamt David and he really doesn't exist. Or that we haven't really been going out for a month. And that April and I still talk about how annoying smug couples are. But then I see the tacky heart he gave me and him smiling cheekily in the photo. And his poem is still in my phone. Then I know that I haven't woken up yet.

David With a Puppy

David called last night to see how I was. He said he only got my message yesterday when he was ready to go to my house because he left his phone at home when he went to work.

He made me laugh so much I started coughing really badly and my voice cleared. Amazing, having a boyfriend cures sore throats. He was at Ryan's house and was playing with his puppy. I was so surprised to hear him talk in a highish voice to the puppy ("Awww, you're sooo cuuute. You wanna play, do you, do you? Ok, stop biting my fingers now. Ow! No, you can't eat plastic. Ok, fine, chew on Ryan's shoes"), it made me imagine that he'd be really good with kids.

I said that if I feel better tonight, he could come over. If not, he could come over tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm probably still contagious so not a good idea for him to come over tonight. But least I had a good night's sleep last night so hopefully I'll be back to normal tomorrow.

Must Get Better

So David did send me the expected "get better" message (at around 5:30pm). I was getting worried that either he didn't get mine or that he was upset at me for canceling (which would've been quite selfish, even though understandable). Then I realised that he probably didn't reply immediately in case I felt better by evening and changed my mind. He said to let him know when I feel ok.

I swear by the time we actually celebrate our one month anniversary, we'll be going out for 2 months. I hate postponing it. And I'm not up for going to all the things I was supposed to go to this weekend. It was going to be a really busy one but now I'm too busy being sick.

Lilly invited me to the movies this weekend and I said that I preferred to go on Sunday at around 1pm and today I found out that a really big group was invited to go at the time that I suggested. I love it when I'm close friends with people who organise big outings and have influence on the time and place. Haven't seen anyone from uni for ages so really want to go. It'll probably be the only thing I end up going to on the weekend.

Fingers (and toes) crossed I'll feel much better tomorrow so David could come over and we could just hang out here. He's never been to my house and I've been to his countless times. We were going to go for dinner at a beach nearby and then walk around there but if I still feel sick, maybe we could just watch DVDs at my place. Don't really care what we do, just want to hang out with him. Hopefully my voice is going to come back. It's too hard to have a one-way conversation (as was proven on Wednesday). There are only so many facial expressions I could master. Although I have to say David was pretty good at reading my lips.

Feeling Sick

Didn't sleep all night because of the horrible flu. Got the worst headache because I couldn't breathe and my throat felt totally dry because I was trying to breathe through my mouth. And must've had a fever because I was hot inside but cold outside. Time never goes slower than at night when you're sick. Spent hours trying to come up with a message to send David to cancel tonight that required the least effort writing. Then my mind wandered to what it would be like if David rushed over to make me tea/chicken soup or some other thing people make those who are sick. Couldn't decide if I'd rather him come over and be his caring self or not come and see me in my terrible sick state. Not a pretty sight.

When morning finally came, I felt so bad that I couldn't even get the strength to call work. Had to get Mum to call for me. How childish. Although it was a relief not to talk to my agent since I told her yesterday that I would definitely be coming to work today. How was I supposed to know that I was going to get worse after I started feeling better?

After taking various medication and drinking tea, at about 11am I managed to get up. The headache was gone and I could sort of breathe through my nose. It's amazing how much better I feel during the day when I'm home. I sent David the preplanned message. Still no reply. I'm sure he's not too happy having me cancel at such late notice but it's not like I wanted to. He could've sent me some get well wishes or something. And I'm pretty sure his work started after I sent the message so it's not like he didn't see it. Anyway, I'm not going to worry about upsetting him since I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm more annoyed that it's only my first week at work and I'm already skipping two days. They better not fire me. I don't remember the last time I skipped work/uni because I was sick. I always feel a little guilty calling in sick because I assume that the person will think I'm faking it. Even yesterday when it was obvious my voice was really hoarse and breaking, she said, "Sounds like you're feeling much better".