Did I Tell You...?

David: Did I tell you, you're beautiful?
me: all the time
David: Did I tell you, you're perfect?
me: most of the time... Did I tell you I love you?
David: you stole my last line!

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Once upon a time there was a little girl. All she ever wanted was a pet. A cute, playful, loyal companion. Many times she was very close to having one but they either turned out to be boring, unaffordable, someone else's or just simply didn't like her.

Until one day when she found the most adorable puppy. She didn't want to get close to it in case there was some reason she couldn't keep it. However, the puppy's sweet nature warmed into her heart. Having been abandoned many times, it begged for her attention. That made her feel needed and wanted. She couldn't help but fall in love with it and grew deeply attached to the gorgeous ball of fur.

As the puppy grew, it didn't require as much of the little girl's time and was content playing with other dogs. The girl was so used to having the puppy always with her, she felt sad seeing it being happy without her. She knew dogs were completely different to humans and it was great that her pet was enjoying the company of its own species but inside she wished that she would be enough to make her pet completely happy.

More than a Girlfriend

Don't know if you remember but I think I've mentioned how there was an ad for young writers with interesting backgrounds to contribute to a TV show about Australian youth. Since I thought it was a great opportunity to get some of April and my TV show storylines, I called them up.

I got invited to their workshops but I couldn't go because I was working last week. However, I got a summary email of what went on. They got the writers to write a scene which would show who they are. Like, where would you be seen, with who, what would you be doing? That sort of stuff.

That got me thinking, what would I write? What scene would show what sort of person I am? The majority of my time I spend with David but have I just become a girlfriend? Is that who I am right now?

There is definitely more to me than just that. If I could have more than one scene, here are what they would be:

- April and I chatting online/phone or sitting in a train laughing so much our stomachs hurt
- David and I at a Latin club, salsa dancing
- me looking for work/temping at yet another company
- having lunch with my girlfriends (and maybe some of the boyfriends)
- blogging
- talking with my family in the kitchen
- hanging out with David (at home, at the beach, in the city)

What scenes would describe your life?

Just Because

I met up with David in the city. He gave me flowers. That was a surprise since we agreed not to give each other anniversary presents unless it's something like 6 months or a year. He said, "This isn't for the anniversary. It's because you're the most beautiful girlfriend in the world".

Ok ok, that can be interpreted as cheesy. But he's absolutely adorable and I love him.

He said, "I was wondering what different flowers meant but I just decided to go with which ones looked pretty". I told him I would've loved any. It's the thought that counts. And he always does these little surprises for me because he likes to make me happy. I just love him for it.

Another thing I love about him (and there are many) is when he always leaves me the last piece/bit of everything. Today we were sharing a drink and he insisted I have the last bit. He always does it with everything - chips, biscuits, fruit etc. It reminds me of my Mum 'cause she always left all the last things for me and my brother.

Just Life

Today I felt the end of summer. It rained so hard, my Dad woke me up to give him a lift to the station. I can see some sun shining through now.

I have no job again. Can't help but have a little hope that the graphic designer I replaced for the last three weeks will decide to leave. I did see that she visited some webpages recently about work in another state. Is it too much to hope that she's going to move there? Soon?

My Mum and my brother are going to POB in April. My grandpa (Mum's Dad) is not feeling too well and she wants to visit him. Andy is going because he's been wanting to go there for ages now. So it'll just be me and my Dad for two weeks. If I ever go to POB, I'm definitely taking David with me. I have actually been craving to go to Europe. Unfortunately nothing can happen until I am fully employed.

There are so many things I'd like to do after I start working full-time. Serious things.

Funny, the only thing that was stopping me from getting what I wanted was not having a boyfriend. Now I'm stopping myself with my lack of job.

Today is David and mine 9 months anniversary. Time flies so quickly. For most of last year I had a boyfriend. How weird. To think I was so sure we'd break up quickly and had absolutely no future. I guess when you're single, everything about relationships seems very black and white. Things that you think are such a big deal turn out to be nothing at all. And things that you think are not important mean so much. Experience teaches a lot.

On another note, I was searching for some new blogs to get into (as I do once in a while when my old favourites either stop or don't interest me anymore). As always I was looking for something personal and honest, a blogger either I could relate to or find fascinating. I didn't expect for it to be in French! Amazingly, I can understand most of it. Maybe if I spoke fluent French, I wouldn't find the simplistic language so interesting, but since my level is only what I learnt at school, the short easy-structured sentences and simple vocabulary describing one young woman's life made me totally addicted. The bad thing is once she changed to a new blog, she stopped writing regularly so all I have now is the old posts.

Any good blog suggestions are more than welcome.

I should finish reading my library books. And also the one David's sister lent me. I'm sure she'd appreciate it back soon.

Talked to April last night. I was amazed how positive she was about finding a boyfriend this year. I hope her positivity makes all the difference. She already met a guy named David on her uni open day. I told her his name was a good sign already. (Since our lives are usually very parallel.)

Chatted to Claudia on the phone. She invited me to Christine's birthday party. How typical of her to get Claudia to call up everyone. Claudia said, "All boyfriends are welcome, but I guess I could only say that to you". I felt like I was in a special club. Can't wait till April (and maybe Amelia) joins. Although Amelia being single makes for lots of great stories. She always gets herself into 'situations' with guys that remind me of some bad soap-opera.

I think Claudia and I have gotten closer over the last few months. Hate to say it but I think it's because we both have boyfriends.

Don't know if to invite David to Chrtsine's 'drinks' on Thursday night because Claudia said Mike might not be coming. It'd be nice to hang out with just the girls. We haven't all gotten together for ages.

We were talking about our birthdays and Claudia said that turning 22 is when you definitely become an adult because 21 is still the transitional phase. All I can think is that at least I have a boyfriend so I'm very close to where I want my life to be at this age. I have the close friends, the family, the partner. Just the job bit is missing but I'm hopeful.

David and I have been seeing weddings everywhere lately. Maybe it's just psychological and we've just noticed them more. On one hand getting married freaks me out because of all the responsibility and moving out of home but on the other, it doesn't seem like such a life-changing event. I think it's all a matter of what way you look at it. Like, if you dramatise it and think it will turn your life upside-down, it definitely will be that way. But if you think that most things will still be there, they will be.

I think my unusually relaxed view of marriage comes from seeing my parents and grandparents. They are all very involved with each other and don't view it as a 'big deal'. Just another thing in life, like changing from school to uni. I think the biggest change in my parents' lives was moving to the other side of the world and having to start all over again. Now that was a major change.

Anyway, maybe my view of this will change with time. I hope it doesn't since most events are not what actually happens but how you perceive them. Life is just one big personal perception.

Latin Love

Last night I wanted to be South American. This thought didn't just suddenly appear in my head. It was when we went to a club that had a Brazillian Carnivale event.

When we got there, not a lot of people were dancing. Only a few confident ones. After standing around for a bit, we decided to join in. Since neither of us knew any Samba moves, I didn't feel too comfortable, especially that everyone was watching the few people dancing. When David dragged me into the middle of the floor, I just got so tense because I didn't want to be in the spotlight so I tried to pull David to the side of the room but he didn't want to go there. I got so annoyed at him for not understanding that I didn't want everyone staring me. I wasn't in the mood for dancing anymore.

So I just stood around, holding up the wall. I was watching the crowd and wished I could be as confident as the Latin girls. They were so into it and had this ability to look really stunning and warm. While I was awkward and self-conscious.

After I convinced David not to dance in the middle, I got into it. I couldn't help but still watch the South Americans. It's hard to describe but they dance so differently. I guess it reflects their culture, which I'm so in love with. I need to try to be more open and relaxed in public. It looks so much more attractive.

The Temporary and the Constant

At about 10:23am I went to the toilet. (No, I'm not telling you this because I have absolutely nothing more exciting to write about.) My bowel wasn't having the best time and I had to spend longer than the usual there. (Please, don't squirm yet.)

As I was washing my hands, I noticed that my urticaria started up (as I haven't been taking my medication regularly in the last few days since it was running out). I didn't want to go back into the office with red patches on my face so I decided to wait until they disappeared. Unfortunately they weren't disappearing as fast as I would have liked.

By this time, I was already in the toilet for about 15 minutes. I decided I couldn't spend my whole day there and went back to my desk, thinking that no one would immediately stare at my face long enough to notice any redness.

Staring at the floor, I quickly walked past everyone when I heard, "Surprise!" I looked up to realise everyone was standing in the middle of the room and a cake was sitting on the table. The main guy started saying how greatful he was to have me there and they got a cake for my last day. Then everyone focused on me and spoke at once - "Did you have a good time here?", "You did such a good job!", "What will you be doing next week?" etc. The editor yelled over to the main guy, "So, we'd definitely look her up if we need anyone?" and the main guy said he would.

Then before the editor left to go home, he came up to me and said, "You've really contributed here and you've done great work on the magazines. We really appreciate it. And you've been a very nice person to work with too! If we ever need a graphic designer, we'll call you." I said, "Call as soon as you can!" He laughed but I think that got the message across.

Then the girls were so great. They kept saying how good it was to have me there, with their "Awww....." looks on their faces which made me believe they'd miss me.

There are no words to describe how much I'm going to miss that place. I've never felt more appreciated for all that I can bring to a workplace. Unlike other temp jobs where I did admin work but was still really liked, here I actually got to show my skills and have them approved. It did so much for my confidence in my abilities after losing most of it during the unemployment stage. Which I'm back to next week.

I was supposed to go to David's house tonight but he called to tell me he was really sick. First time in 3 years. As soon as I got home, I got a call from him. We ended up talking all evening.

At one point we got onto the subject on G-strings (in a very practical way). I told him I never bought any because I didn't know if they were comfortable or not. My Mum and I were actually talking about it on the weekend. She never bought any for the same reason. I told him this and he said, "I know my Mum has them" and I said, "Maybe I should ask her". So he actually called her and was about to ask himself! I was horrified that he didn't realise I was joking. How weird would it be for a guy to ask his mother if G-strings were comfortable, for his girlfriend. I stopped him in time.

Yesterday I talked to his Mum on the phone and she started telling me about her operation in detail. She casually threw out words such as 'vagina' and 'bleeding' which shocked me. I realised where David got his open nature from. If his Mum talks so freely about G-strings, sex and personal female problems, it's no wonder David is so communicative. Maybe later I can thank his Mum for making him so open to any discussion.

I talked to his Mum for so long last night, David told her to hurry up and give him a go.

Today I was saying how I need more exercise 'cause I've put on more weight (something I'd never say to him before in case he didn't notice but now I just say anythng that's on my mind. That's how comfortable I am with him.) In response, he said, "I think you're perfect." I told him I liked when he lied like that and he said, "I really think you're perfect". He's the best liar. I actually believe him.

The Forgotten Kiss

David just called me (after getting home) to tell me he forgot to give me a kiss goodbye.

A Compliment of (No) Importance

David told me today that one of his managers (who I've met at the wedding last week) asked him where I was from because I looked very pretty. I can't help but gloat in that fact, even though it's so silly.

I always thought I looked like a typical Caucasian person but it's cool if people think I look... ethnic (can't think of a better word).

Why do people care how they look anyway? Why do I put so much importance into how people see me? Shouldn't the inside count more? I wish I'd stop feeling so happy about hearing that some stranger thought I looked nice.

Anyway, I need to lose some weight 'cause I've been eating not the healthiest.

There in Spirit

Claudia started the job I recommended her for and she's doing boring things which make me glad I didn't go for it.

She said, "I found your name in the database today! That made me happy". I have this vision of her being really bored in a gloomy office and stumbling on my name and getting all cheered up, almost like I was there for a second with her.

That makes me happy.

Just Temporary

I'm out of inspiration to write about anything in this blog. Maybe it's because all my creativity is going into my job right now. All the designs that I have done have been approved and are ready for print. Can't wait to see a whole magazine designed by moi!

So sad about the job ending this week though. I love it so much. One girl wants to have a farewell lunch for me. She's so sweet.

It made me reflect on how many wonderful people I've met in my endless list of temp jobs. It would be nice to keep in touch but we never get to a stage where we are close enough to want to make the effort. It's kinda sad. People who just walk into my life and out, never to be seen again, like guest stars in a TV show.

Had an interview today but I can't even be bothered to make it into a story, simply because I've been to so many that they've become boring to me.

I'm a bit (well, a lot) upset that David's work and uni schedule is going to be so busy, it's going to be very difficult to spend time together. Sometimes I fantasise about us living together 'cause at least then we could see each other more, without wasting time on travel. We spend way too much time in the evenings talking on the phone. I wouldn't mind if his phone wasn't weird and made him barely audible. It's so frustrating to have to strain to hear what he's saying and asking him to repeat himself all the time. Wish we could talk face to face.

It's weird, before I used to think we didn't need to call each other every day but now I feel uneasy if we don't discuss our days and just talk before going to sleep. If only he could be here with me...

The Wedding Guest

I went to my first ever wedding yesterday! April can tell you how long I've been wanting to go to one. She's already been to a several while I thought I'd have to wait till my own to ever be a part of this ceremony.

I was so excited, I called April and exclaimed, "Guess where I am right now?!" After she didn't guess and I told her, she paused for a second and then said, "Congratulations?"

As she warned me, the actual church ceremony was so boring. The priest went on and on. David crossed himself. I felt so uncomfortable but realised this was going to be one of those things I'd have to put up with. When he asked if I'd get married in a church, I said, "No way!" Glad he brought it up 'cause I wanted him to know that there was no way in hell I would ever do anything associated with religion. He didn't seem to care.

I'm not sure if it was the wedding atmosphere or his usual warm self but he kept looking over at me and smiling and taking my hand and whispering comments to me. To keep myself amused through the priest's never ending speech, I watched the bride. She looked absolutely beautiful. But her face didn't show much emotion. She didn't look over at the groom at all.

There was a small reception. An elderly woman sat next to us. One of the first things she said was, "The wedding was beautiful but it's hard to enjoy it after going through a divorce. Relationships always start off well. Then you get tied down with a mortgage. My husband had his mid-life crisis when he was 50 and there was no point trying to make a marriage work if one person didn't want to. But you can tell this is a love marriage. He's going to adore her. He's such a lovely person. And she's so sweet. It's such a beautiful wedding. But after a divorce you become cynical."

David and I just smiled and nodded. Then she said to David, "You have very beautiful skin". David was so speechless. I tried to telepathically tell him to say thank you because the woman was just staring at him waiting for him to say something. When he didn't reply, she said, "You could at least say thank you".

After we told her what we did, she said to David, "I'd never pick you as an accountant. You don't look boring at all". Then she said in this really bitter tone with a hint of sarcasm, "You have everything, a career, a beautiful POBian girlfriend, what more could you want?" and David said, "A house would be nice." She 'advised' us to never worry about getting a mortgage because it ties you down. I told David we should never take advice from a divorced woman. He agreed with me.

After we listened to some more of her stories, we had to leave to a concert. Which was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. And not only because one man proposed to his girlfriend.

Love Life

Yesterday David told me that he was being really stupid and he realised (once again) how much he loves me and the rest. When I met him after work, I felt like I was the most important person in the world to him. He made me feel special like no one else ever did. He was so gentle, so sweet, so warm, so happy.

We went to see my movie premiere. It won an award and the audience loved it! Although I always thought it was a pretty serious story, the crowd laughed more than any other movie. I wondered if they were laughing because it was so cheesy. The funniest thing was when we got seated, there was one guy sitting next to me and one next to David. I didn't think anything of them until they saw each other and shook hands in front of our faces. That's when I realised they were the main actors in our film!

It was weird to see the moving images to my 2D storyboard. Every frame I drew was animated on screen. I really didn't think they'd stick to it but the Director did. David missed my name in the credits. Fortunately I didn't.

Tonight I met up with David and we talked for ages. He made my Mum laugh which was great. He continued from yesterday in telling me how wonderful I was and how much he loved me etc. I never get sick of hearing it. And it's not just the way he says these things, it's everything in his body language. Especially his face expression and his little seemingly unimportant gestures that make me believe his every word.

Plus the way he asks me what my dreams are. Sounds corny but his genuine interest means so much to me. I actually think he wants to really know me inside out because he's always asking me questions about myself. And I know there can't be any ulterior motive. It's not like we just met and he wants to impress me. He already knows I love him.

Next week is my last at work. I don't even want to think about it. I wish I could stay but the editor said, "If we had enough money, we'd hire you" which means I'm definitely not staying. I want to tell them that if a position opens up in a year, I'd go there in a second. The work is satisfying, the people are my age and great. The hours are flexible. The location is convenient. What else could I want?

Today I went to lunch with a few other people from work. It was really great. The guys are such jokers and the girl is great to have around.

Don't Take My Sunshine Away

I'm speechless, confused, annoyed, frustrated, insecure, paranoid, suspicious, worried, nervous, anxious, scared, upset. Sometimes David drives me crazy. And not in a good way.

In a relationship, I don't want to worry that any second my boyfriend might do a 180 degree turn and everything will collapse. I like having the security of knowing that my happiness will not suddenly disappear.

You always hear of those couples where "everything was going so well until one day he/she just left". I don't want to be one of those.

And I never had reason to get worried. Until today. Don't want to go into details but David's insecurity is driving me up the wall.

He makes no sense. There's no logic in the following (said in matter of minutes in between each):

"I think you like me more that I like you and I get worried that I don't like you as much"
"I don't think you want to be with me all the time and that makes me upset"
"For a moment I wondered what it would be like to be single"
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't want to lose you"

If he freaking doesn't like me as much as I like him, why would he care if I want to be with him all the time? And if he's wondering about being single, how could I be the best thing?

He said, "I'm telling you all this as a friend because you're the only person I can really talk to". Easy to say but I'm more than his friend and how can I not take it personally? How can I listen to him say how he's only 80% sure about whether he wants us to work and not get emotional? That's not how it is.

I told him exactly what I thought, as a 'friend'. He said he doesn't want to break up and those were just thoughts running through his head and he loves me blah blah blah.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with him but it's making me too damn insecure about everything that means the most to me.

Perfect Valentine

Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face...

Finally finally finally I wasn't alone on Valentine's Day.

Of course I still think it's a silly day, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it to the fullest.

Seeing flowers being sold and bought everywhere didn't bother me in the slightest. Seeing couples everywhere didn't put me in a bad mood. The salesgirl asking me whether my Dad's birthday present was a Valentine's present only made me smile.

I couldn't help but wonder if David was going to get me a flower or something. He said not to expect anything fancy. Like I would anyway! I was just happy to have a boyfriend. I didn't care about anything superficial.

When he came over after work, I saw him hold a red envelope. He got me a card, how sweet, I thought. Then he took his arm from behind him and he was holding a rose. I couldn't help but laugh. I got a rose. From a guy. On Valentine's Day. It was just too funny. After I stopped giggling like some silly school girl, he said, "Check what's in my pocket" so I put my hand there and took out a box. Inside was a bracelet. I'm quite picky with things like that so I was impressed he got me a cute funky one that is still currently around my wrist. It's silver with a heart locket and a little purple stone. I love it. I would've loved anything he got me.

My present for him seemed a little odd but I knew he wanted it for ages so at least it's useful.

I told him that girls are lot easier to buy for and he said he's been looking around for a while trying to find something for me because he couldn't find anything he liked. He said he wasn't even sure if I'd like a funny or a cute card better. I cannot believe he put so much effort and thought. That's what means the most to me, not the actual present. He got me a Friends Forever card. I guess I would've gone with a funny one but cute is perfect too.

We went to the beach for a walk. It was wonderful. He said I made him happy.

In other news, I got a job interview next week. I'm not even nervous. I've been to too many to be scared. The chances of me getting it are minimal but I have nothing to lose. I wish I could stay at my current temp job.

The work is so much fun and I like the people. The editor of the youth magazine and I went shopping together during our lunch break. It was so nice to hang out with someone my age. She's not the type of person I'm usually friends with but she's nice and easy-going enough for me to like her.

Then there's the photographer who's great to chat with. She reminds me of people from uni. Didn't talk to the POBian guy much but he adds to the nice atmosphere. The editor of the women's magazine is an elderly lady who reminds me of a warm neighbour and is great to talk with too. The editor of the news magazine came back from holiday and I've talked to him quite a bit in the last two days. He has a lot of editorial experience so it was great to discuss my designs with him. I also mentioned to him that I'm looking for a permanent job and how much I enjoy designing for the magazines there. Hopefully he has some influence in finding opportunities for me to stay there. Doubt it but letting people know my position can only help.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting up with the girls for dinner. I think we'll be celebrating Claudia's new job. It'll be nice to catch up. David will be playing soccer so that should be good for him. Even though he always says he doesn't need anyone other than me, I know he'd like to hang out with some guys.

I'll see him on Thursday for my movie premiere. Should be interesting. So many things to look forward to!

And you know, for the first time in years, I'm looking forward to my birthday.

My Boyfriend, My Friend

Spent the weekend with David again. On Friday, he called me up to say he didn't feel like staying home and wanted to do something. I had a headache but I invited him over. We went to see a movie which was pretty long but good.

On Saturday, we went to buy the wedding present which was harder than I thought. He also refused to let me pay for half of it. I'm starting to feel weird about him insisting on paying for everything. He said he wanted to be the 'nice one'. I told him if he wanted to be nice he should let me have a turn at being nice. He's always so nice, I feel guilty.

Then when I was buying some nice chocolate for his sister, he bought some for me, even though I told him I shouldn't have any. He got me the dark chocolate which I love so much.

In the evening we went to celebrate his sister's birthday. I talked to her heaps which was great. I want to be able to get along with his family which currently I do. Even though she's almost 5 years younger than me, I don't really feel the age gap so much. I guess I haven't really changed since I was 17.

In the morning we both read the Sunday paper. The same article at the same time which probably looked kinda weird. He was holding one side and I was holding the other as we read about single people who are happy. I know those articles only try to make single people feel better but they never worked for me.

Afterwards we went to a beach for a walk which was really needed. I feel like I've been overeating during the last week. Could barely eat yesterday because I felt so full.

I need to lose some weight. I've stopped paying attention to what I eat lately. Sitting all day in front of a computer with only a lunch-time walk doesn't help.

When we got back from the beach we played a game where we took turns in picking a random city from our globe and the other had to guess which country that city was in. David won. My Mum walked in on our game at the time David was gloating about winning. She looked from him to me and muttered, "Kindergarten". I know deep inside she was pleased I found my playmate.

This week will be busy. I have the film premiere, the wedding and a concert on the weekend. We were also thinking of going dancing on Friday night.

When David was going home, he said, "I guess I'll see you on Thursday then". That got me a little panicky because what about Valentine's Day? Of course I always said it was just a consumerism excuse of a day but that was only because it reminded me of my singleness. Now that I have someone, it's a reason to have a day that is not ordinary like the others.

I only had to say, "Only Thursday?" when David asked, "What's wrong?" Felt really ridiculous about feeling bad about not seeing him for Valentine's Day. I mean what's the big deal, it' s just another day. So I was like, "Nothing's wrong, but don't you want to see each other before then?" and he said, "I can come over on Wednesday". Then he looked at my face and asked, "What's wrong? Tell me". So I said, "Don't you want to meet up on Tuesday?" and he just cracked up laughing. He gave me a hug and said, "Of course we'll see each other on Tuesday! Did you think I forgot?" and kept on laughing.

So I felt like an idiot making such a deal about stupid Valentine's Day. I told him we didn't have to do anything on Tuesday. He said, "But I want to make you happy and I know you looked forward to it for a long time". I said I didn't really care and he already made me happy without that day. He said, "But I want to make you extra happy!"

Just knowing that he wants me to be like that makes me incredibly happy.

Make Me Disappear

Here is what I was thinking an hour ago:

I want to die. Please make me disappear. Or invisible. I want to bury myself into some deep dark hole and never come out. I'm moving out. Right now! I want to die.

You want to know why? Here's why!

At first David wanted to die too but then he got over it and tried to make me feel better. Him saying, "It's not so bad" and "It could've been worse" really didn't help. Then he got me to play this board game we have to distract me and that really worked. At least I wasn't focusing on what had just happened and how I could never take it back.

I'm much better now but gosh, how awkward it will be from now on.

A Could-Be Possibility

The guy at work who I thought was POBian actually is. I asked him today when he was looking for something around my desk. He lived in Australia for three years and before that he was in America for four years where he studied multimedia and television. We actually started talking in POBian which was a bit weird because it's been like forever since I've met any new POBian people. That was pretty cool. He said he couldn't tell I was from there as I have no accent. I told him I was here since I was nine years old. Later when he asked me what year I came to Australia, I wondered if he was going to figure out how old I was.

I'm not really sure about his age. I'm guessing mid-twenties.

About 10 minutes after our first conversation, he came to my desk and gave me a POBian DVD that another POBian guy from the IT department gave him about POBian Art. I watched it since I had no work to do. It was ok, considering I'm not really into Fine Arts.

After I returned it to him, he asked if I wanted to see a POBian cartoon he had. I said I did but it didn't work on my computer so I couldn't watch it. He offered for me to watch it on his computer during lunch but I didn't feel like wasting my break in front of a computer.

The guy's pretty funny. He made me laugh with his impersonation of the narrator of the POBian DVD.

If I was single, I'd be preparing myself for disappointment that nothing would ever happen. However, since I have my wonderful guy, I don't want anything to happen. (I just wonder if it would.)

In other news, Claudia got a job at the company I temped at, thanks to me. She's very excited. I'm really happy for her but I got really sad for myself. You'd think helping out a friend would be really rewarding (which it is), but why am I not happier?

Talked to David on the phone and he insisted that I come to his sister's birthday dinner, even though she didn't officially invite me. He told me to stop being silly and to just come. Am I being silly?

He also has this stupid idea of buying a toaster as a wedding present. I told him to say good-bye to that thought and banish it from his brain forever as I'm sure all a newlywed couple needs is another toaster. He agreed to postpone his wedding present shopping till the weekend when I can go and help him buy (i.e. choose) the present.

Almost Perfect

I've already conjured up scenarios in which I get asked to work at the place I'm at now permanently. I wish the current graphic designer would find a different job in her three week holiday and they'd offer the position to me.

Everyone there is just so nice to work with. I feel like I almost fit in. The editor of the magazine that I'm currently designing for came to see what I did and she said, "Well, you're a clever girl, aren't you?" I hope that meant that she liked or at least approved my illustrations.

I think one guy in my department is POBian but I'm not completely sure.

Got a headache at work which started to really bug me. Was thinking of calling David to tell him not to come but I really wanted to see him.

He distracted me from any throbbing in my head.

He told me they were having a family birthday dinner for his sister and asked me if I wanted to come. I told him his sister didn't invite me and I didn't want to intrude on a family event. He said, "You're part of my family". I remember my brother didn't want him to come to his family birthday dinner. I guess I can understand that. I would've been the same with his girlfriend.

Speaking of my brother, I'm not very happy with him. We've really drifted apart. I told him he changed and he said that I did. He's become so irritable, so manipuative (something that I really don't like) and plain deceiving. Also, critical of me and my parents, while accepting all his friends' faults.

I'm not as hurt about it as I would've been before. I'm starting to accept that he will never be the sweet and easy-going kid that he used to be. Yes, it's sad, but that's life.

Weddings, Prayers and Constant Failure

I'm finally going to a wedding! I'm so excited as I've never been to one. I feel so grown-up going as someone's partner. In my head I still sometimes feel like a 17 year old. I'm also excited I have a reason to buy a new dress. I only have one and I think a wedding requires something lighter than black.

Work was ok. I ran out of things to do because I was waiting for the articles to be written. I went to a meeting today. At the beginning they prayed. Yes, I work for a religious organisation. I started to panic a little when someone suggested for everyone to take a turn. Fortunately no one asked me. Anyway, this is the sort of thing I can ignore as it doesn't really bother me.

Talked to David on the phone after work and he got talking about buying property and what the best thing for us would be. That got me really excited. When I first met him, he used to talk about moving out and buying his own place like it was his ultimate dream. Now he talks about doing it 'together'. The words 'mine', 'I' and 'me' have been replaced by 'ours', 'we' and 'us'.

Felt really down about not having a permanent job. An agent called me about yet another job I didn't get. Failure after failure really doesn't help my self-esteem. Sometimes I just want to give up and quit. Just accept that I will never be permanently employed. But I can't do that, simply because somewhere deep inside I have a glimmer of hope that I will get a job. I know if I stop looking, that spark of optimism will be squashed and I will definitely not be employed.

Having David helps so much. He gives me some peace of mind that at least I'm not alone with my failure. Having him reminds me that I'm not completely useless, which is how long-term unemployment makes me feel.

My Dream Job

It's interesting how I become who I am because of my past experiences. For example, even though the day I was so nervous about turned out to be great and made me want to stay there full-time, I can't get too excited about it because I loved the first day of the job that turned out horribly.

The job of 'senior designer' was exactly what I want to do. I worked on designing the layouts and illustrations for two magazines. Do you even know how hard it is to get a job at a magazine?! Too bad I have no chance of staying there as I've been hired to replace the person who's on holidays for three weeks.

It was so much fun to do the designs for different articles. I had to get a feel for it at first 'cause I never designed for any print material. The text has to be appealing to the reader because no one wants to read pages of columns. After leafing through previous issues I noticed things like the text never fills more than half the height of a page for all columns.

The articles were also quite interesting to read so that was fun. I always thought it'd be cool to read for a job. And I get to use my design skills which I always wanted to do. I don't want my degree to be a waste. I also loved the creativity aspect. Plus, I had two huge screens at my disposal and best of all, the don't have Macs!!!

The people seemed really friendly too. The manager hasn't seen what I've done yet though so I don't know if he's going to like it. I hope so. I tried to do it in a similar style.

I guess I can only go with the flow of my unpredictable life right now. Who knows where it might lead, if anywhere at all.

Adore

I had a wonderful busy weekend.

On Saturday, I went to the dentist. It wasn't as bad as last time (i.e. didn't feel the usual pain).

Afterwards, I went to Christine's party. All the guys (Evan and Mike) came which was unexpected. I could've invited David. What was even more unexpected was that I had so much fun that I didn't want to go to David's house, as I promised him I would. Don't know if it showed because when I forced myself to get up and tell everyone I had to go, Mike said, "I'm going to call David and tell him you're crying because you don't want to leave".

At the party, I noticed how cute Mike and Claudia were together. It's good that I have my own perfect boy so I didn't feel any envy, only pleasure that my sweet quiet friend found someone who obviously adores her. At one point, Claudia's top slipped to one side revealing her bra strap and Mike fixed it for her because she obviously hadn't noticed. It's so cute how he looks out for her.

We played some board games and for once April and I managed to come first. We were ecstatic with joy because we're usually hopeless. I guess I could mention that Claudia was also on our team and definitely helped.

For the next game, Christine made us change teams so I had to go with Evan. Now, that was a little awkward.

When I got to David's house he was in a bit of a weird mood. He was just watching TV and I got a little bored, especially having just come from a really fun get-together. He noticed. As he always does. Turned out he was invited to go out and couldn't go because I was coming over. I told him he should've told me because I wouldn't have minded but he said he didn't want to change our plans. Anyway, I managed to cheer him up. Not hard. He's like a kid when he's feeling down.

Then we were talking and somehow got onto the topics that we need to always avoid - religion and politics. He said something that got me so upset I had to leave the room. I went to sit on his balcony. It was nice and cold to numb me. I knew he just didn't articulate himself properly but I was still so mad that he said what he did.

A few minutes later, he came outside and asked what I was feeling. We started talking about everything. How we had different views on issues we feel deeply about but how neither of us wants to break up and how we could overcome our disagreements because we just wanted to be with each other. I started crying, for the second time in three days. For the same reason. Felt so weak but David was really good about it, like last time. He said he would start a family whenever I wanted (earlier than he originally planned) because he just wanted me to be happy. I tried not to take that statement too seriously in fear that he might not really mean it and I didn't want to get my hopes up. Although, the fact that he thought about it practically (e.g. he said I should get a job before we start planning anything) made me think that he was serious about what he said.

Realised once again that if we talk things through, we always work everything out. Before, I used to think that being in love was not enough to sustain a relationship but now having the experience in being in one, I realise that when you really love each other, you're willing to compromise or even ignore certain things because you just can't imagine being without one another.

David begged me to stay over and even though I felt a bit weird doing that, I was too tired to drive home. Called Mum and for some reason she sounded worried. She wanted me to come home but she didn't want me to drive if I was tired.

We had a really good talk. I told him things about my family I never discussed with anyone. It's amazing what memories come to me when you have someone who wants to know you inside out. I told him how I felt about relationships and how I wanted to follow in my family's example because all my grandparents, parents and most relatives are happily married. He said, "This is like a pyjama party! Tell me more." I felt so lucky to have the coolest best friend. One of the reasons I think we get along so well and connect with each other is that even though we're adults, we both have a childish nature.

I was supposed to leave in the morning, but David was like, "Please stay for lunch!" with his puppy eyes which I couldn't resist so I stayed. Called Mum to tell her. We had to go to the shopping centre to buy food for breakfast. That was cool, almost like we were married or something. David noticed and said it was cool to go shopping together.

We watched "Schindler's List" because I wanted to after reading "The Girl in the Red Coat" (which I loved) and David got a little emotional. While we were watching, he kept hugging me and saying, "I'm so happy I have you. Don't want anything happening to you". Yes, I could've been a little bit weirded out by his sudden emotional state but it felt strangely comforting to feel so important to someone, especially him.

I was about to leave after the movie when he said, "Stay for dinner and then I can come over to your house". I couldn't believe he was serious. Don't know why but I was so happy he was coming back to my house with me. I had already started to freak out about tomorrow and I needed any distraction I could get. Mum called to see where I was and when I told her I was still at David's, she was like, "Have you decided to move there?" Last time David spent the weekend at my house, his Mum said the same thing to him. I said to David, "My Mum thinks I'm moving here and your Mum thinks you're moving to my house" and he replied, "But we're really moving out somewhere else, together". Exactly what I was thinking.

Getting really nervous about tomorrow.

me: even if I get fired again, it makes me feel better knowing I have you
David: you'll always have me
me: promise?
David: double promise
me: even if I get fired hundred million times?
David: yes

The Right Flavour

Sometimes there's nothing sexier than seeing your boyfriend in the kitchen, cooking.

I noticed I was turning into one of those annoying people who tell you how to cook properly (i.e. my Mum). Thank God, David is very easy-going and didn't get too bothered by my 'advice'. He said, "You're like a little mosquito... but a sweet one". I tried to stop with the cooking suggestions but it was still painful to watch him wash spoons of rice down the sink. The "don't throw out any food" mentality had been drilled into me by my Mum and grandmas from a very early age.

Have to go to the dreaded dentist tomorrow. Trying not to think about it. Then I'm meeting up with school friends. Finally I am free to go to something Christine organised. I hope she'll be pleased. Hopefully I won't be in too much pain to enjoy the party.

Afterwards, I'll be going to David's house. Third day in a row. Hopefully we won't get too sick of each other. Although it would be nice if we do so that I don't miss him too much next week.

Too Many Interviews, Not Enough Jobs

One of my agents (the one whose Mum knows my Mum) managed to get me a temp job as a senior designer. When she told me she was going to send my resume to them, I was like, "Yeah, whatever," because there is no way in the world I thought they'd take me. Then this agent called me up yesterday and said they wanted me to start next week. To say I'm freaking out would be the biggest understatement.

I read the job descriptions several times and I'm really not looking forward to being fired, again. They need someone experienced to just come there and take over for a few weeks.

I mean, surely they read my resume and know I've been out of uni only one year and have barely any relevant experience. My agent better not have exaggerated any of my skills or experience. Oh, who am I kidding, I know she exaggerated my skills. When she asked me if I knew how to use one program and I told her I knew what it was but I've never used it, she said, "Ok, I'll tick that you know it".

It really didn't boost my confidence when in her email she wrote, "I'm sure you'll do brilliantly". Was she trying to convince herself or me? Because I am seriously scared. I tried to do some 'research' but reading about things is not the same as having experience doing them. What am I going to do next week?!

I had an interview today at a very convenient location. I was told they received 140 applications and only picked 14 to interview. Wow, no wonder my old boring resume never got any invitations. It would've never stood out from a hundred others. Don't know if I'll get it. How can I compete with 13 others? What do I have that others don't?

The hours are pretty good - 8am to 4pm. Sure an 8am is a tad early but considering I'm pretty close, it's not such a big deal and it would be cool to finish at 4pm, before the peak hour. The money is good too. The job is purely design so my eyes will be straining and I'll probably get bored but I don't care anymore. It's impossible to find that perfect job, where I can have variety - design, talk with people, organise, and have a good location, good money, good people etc.

Got information about that TV writing job but I can't go to the workshop because I'll be working next week. But hey, they might fire me before Wednesday so not all is lost.

Future Talk - flashpost

Can be read here.

So Hard

I thought I'd never find a boyfriend and now I think I'll never find a full-time job in my profession. Funny, a job always seemed like a much easier challenge.

The Story in My Head

I didn't get the job from yesterday. The recruitment lady emailed to tell me they've thought about it overnight and decided to readvertise because they've realised they wanted someone with more experience. Why am I not too disappointed?

Found another strange ad asking for young writers from diverse cultural backgrounds to write for a new TV show. Looked a little suspicious but I decided to call them and find out more info. The guy sounded nice and was impressed with the diversity of my background because it's not very common. He said he'll email me more info but he still hasn't. I don't want to get too excited about it but here is a perfect chance to write the TV show April and I have been dreaming of writing since high school. Of course, it's not going to be our show but I could take the ideas from it, considering how similar the subject is.

I really like writing but I've never given it much thought to do it professionally as my grammar is horrible. April tried to correct it but I still make mistakes if I don't think carefully when I write (as in this blog). And I don't think I'd be too good at alternating between different styles as I'm so used to thinking in my personal one.

Still writing always excites me. Coming up with characters and plots and dialogues. Seeing the stories as a film in my head. I can always imagine the interiors, the costumes, the faces.

Sometimes I get carried away imagining writing that winning script or novel but I guess lots of people have those dreams that never become a reality because of a very simple reason. It's hard. You need inspiration and most of all patience, something I don't have a lot of.

Location Location

What's more of an incentive to want a job other than money? For me, it's location.

I got invited to another interview and it's located only 25 minutes train ride away! I've never even had the opportunity to work anywhere closer than an hour travelling time (altogether). Even uni was further! The job sounds great too. Exactly what I studied for. A graphic design agency. It's a small company so there's likely not to be any money in it and I was told it's in a warehouse so no nice comfortable offices. But the thought of being able to get home only 40 minutes after the end is just too appealing.

I have the interview on Friday and even though I have to get there at 8am, that means I only have to get up at 6:30. That's later than getting up for an 8:30am start for the previous job! Plus I always thought it'd be cool to work at a design agency with other designers, rather than being the only designer in a company. It would be a great opportunity to learn and work with like-minded individuals. I'm getting excited about it.