A Handful of Cherries

What a busy weekend I had.

After the 'almost breakup', I woke up on Saturday still shaken up. Even though we've resolved the problem, I still couldn't get that feeling of not seeing him again out of my head. Started thinking that I just got a glimpse of what would happen once we stumble on a problem that really can't be comprimised on. Wondered if there was a future for us.

Remembered that I started going out with him because I wanted to have relationship experience but realised that it was time to start thinking seriously because I was too far into it for it to be just an 'experience'. I needed to start making decisions and not drag something that wasn't going to work out long-term. Didn't want to be another one of those couples who never talk about the future and then get married, have kids and realise that they never wanted to head in the same direction.

Of course thinking like that doesn't erase the fact that I'm in love with him and how can you break up with someone who in the future might not be right for you? How do I know that I will meet the RG that I imagined for myself (who definitely isn't like David). How can I break up with someone who I start missing the second he leaves?

I know we've only been going out for a (relatively) short time and I'm sure most people think we're crazy for thinking about the future already. But somehow we can't help it. He told me he's over the whole 'dating for fun' thing. He's ready to get serious about his life. And me, well you know. I just want to settle down and am not really into dating different guys for fun. 'Cause to me going out with wrong guys is not fun. I'll take a serious relationship over a fling any day.

Just the thought of losing my boyfriend and my job in the same week was too much. It's like I was in the frame of mind that we broke up (even though I knew we haven't).

Went out with April and Claudia to an outdoor concert. I was hoping it would take my mind off David but it didn't. In front of us was a girl our age with her boyfriend and three girl friends. She and her boyfriend were acting just like David and I and all I could think was that I wish David was with me too.

Trying to push David to the back of my mind, I concentrated on my friends. It was wonderful to spend some time with them. April and I laughed all the way from the time she got on my train, all the way till the time she got off the train on the way home. We couldn't even walk straight, we were laughing so hard. We were like, no wonder we don't need alcohol to act drunk, imagine how bad we'd be if we did drink.

Later during the night, Claudia sprawled out on the rug and went to sleep. She looked so cute April and I had to resist giving her a hug and thinking of her as a little teddy bear.

I rang David to see what he was up to. He said he was watching a movie at his house. We didn't talk much. I felt bad calling him in front of April but I had no choice because I promised to call. Couldn't say that I missed him and wished he was here with me because April and Claudia were right there, so I sent him an SMS instead. He replied saying he missed me a lot. I felt kinda uneasy because I was still on edge about Friday night.

Sunday morning I woke up early to go to our Christmas party. It was so very great to see my closest group of friends at once! It hasn't happened for way too long. I even had a nice conversation with Christine about my job not working out. I was surprised to see that she was genuinely interested in what I was up to. Plus she was interested in meeting David. (She's the only one of my closest friends who hasn't met him.)

I always start feeling so warm and fuzzy when I'm surrounded by my high school girl friends. We've been sharing the dramas (some self-created) of our lives for years. Over brunch, we went through stories of Amelia's married man, the irony of Christine's fashion design course which takes so much of her time that she can't make clothes for herself, Emma's (yes, she came too) work at the university, my loss of job and horrible Renee (if only she knew how my friends made her seem as small as she made me feel) and many others.

Had to leave early because I had to get ready for David's work Christmas party. When he came to pick me up I was back in that horrible state of mind that we were not meant to be. Plus he was wearing the worst outfit which irritated me more than it should've. He was wearing cream coloured pants and a white shirt with some brown pattern near the collar. He looked so white and attention seeking.

He noticed how quiet I was in the car and asked what was up. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to ruin the party for him before it even started. Just said I was tired. He said he was really happy that I was coming with him with his usual sweet face which made me feel guilty that I was thinking that we were wrong for each other.

The party was great. Reminded me of my year 12 formal. I shouldn't have drunk alcohol before eating because it gave me a headache for the rest of the night. The food was fabulicious. I also got to wear my dress that I wore to the uni formal last year and finally I had a guy to appreciate it. David told me many times how beautiful I looked. I thanked him and told him I was a sucker for compliments.

David kept introducing me to everyone which made me feel like he was proud to have me with him. Rather than just saying my name he was like, "Hey, this is my girlfriend!" He wouldn't let go of me the whole night. I was so hot (due to lack of air-conditioning) but I didn't want to offend him by asking him to stop holding my hand/arm/shoulder because I knew he could've taken it the wrong way and I didn't want to have the old discussion about how I wasn't comfortable being affectionate in public (because honestly I didn't care last night 'cause of the throbbing pain in my head).

When some people were making speeches which involved cheering, David was so loud, I got so irriated at him because it really didn't make my head feel better when he was yelling and clapping right near my ear.

I told him I was too hot and going outside. He came with me. When I told him I felt sick, he got a worried look on his face and apologised for being loud. Then I took a couple of garnish cherries from the dessert buffet (because my headache made me crave something juicy). David asked if I wanted more and I said that it would look bad if I started picking out the cherries from different platters. So what does he do but go to the tables and picks a whole handful for me. He said, "Here, I'll go and get you some more". My (illogical) irritation with him immediately disappeared. How could it not when he was so incredibly sweet to me?

We went to sit on the bench in the hall and as I was eating my cherries, David said, "You don't know how happy I am that you're here with me tonight. You make me so happy." I don't know if it was the alcohol that I had on an empty stomach or tiredness but I felt in a daze, like I was looking at everything through glass and it comforted me to know that David was with me and he'd make sure I was ok in case I decided to faint or something.

We danced a little because I knew David really wanted to. He said to just tell him when I wanted to go but I didn't want to ruin the fun for him. So we danced for a few songs. Then I asked if he wanted to go and he said ok.

In the car I was feeling kinda blah so he kept trying to make me laugh which I wasn't making easy for him. Don't ask why I was in such an annoying mood. He was like, "Come on, just one smile". That made me feel like such a kid. Later, we had a bit of a disagreement about the racist riots. He said I didn't care because I wasn't affected by them. I told him he was taking them too personally which was what fuelled them.

When we got home, I switched on the lights on the Christmas tree and was just mesmerised by them. David came to sit next to me. He said, "I know something's wrong, tell me what's bugging you" so I told him that even though we resolved the Friday night problem, I still couldn't get out of my mind how painful it would be to break up with him. He hugged me and said that he didn't want to break up with me and that I didn't even know how much I meant to him. I asked him if always having disagreements about political issues was a problem for him and he said that it'd be boring if we agreed about everything and that he loved me.

He said that he didn't want to lose me and there were other ways of going about achieving what he wanted. He said that he didn't ever want to do anything if I wasn't by his side. I asked him why he made me think that he would move overseas without me if he didn't really mean it. He said he meant it at first but then realised he didn't want to risk losing me and that I was the most important thing him.

It felt so good to hear it in that way. I guess it confirmed that I was still his top priority like he was mine.

He didn't have work today so he stayed over. I felt so guilty spending Monday not working but that's unemployment for you. We went to the nearest shopping centre in the afternoon and bugged my brother. Poor guy was so bored because there were no customers. He was desperate for us to stay there the whole night.

Well, I'm back to my normal self (i.e. not upset or irritated). Sure I'm not too happy about my job situation but I couldn't be happier to have David. Like I told him a million times, everything's easier to deal with when he's with me.