What's My Value?

I had a mini-breakdown last night.

I didn't get that job I had the interview for. The agent told me it was very close and the woman just decided to go with the other guy because she thought he was a better "team-culture fit". Basically she liked his personality more.

I was fine all day. Then when I went to bed, I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about my old job and how well it started and how horribly it ended. When was the moment when it started to go wrong? Then I started crying because I just felt like such a loser who couldn't find a proper job for so long. Started those negative thoughts about there being something wrong with me and I wasn't doing anything right etc. This made me cry even more and I just couldn't stop. I was a mess. Even the reminder of having a boyfriend wouldn't cheer me up. Didn't even want to see David the next day like we planned because I felt so worthless. Started thinking about my life before this year, how I always followed the 'right' path. I did well at school, got a degree and so a job should follow but it didn't. I was so close with my previous one. How could one woman ruin it so much for me? It was too unfair.

Wished David was here, just to give me a hug if nothing else. Wanted to call him but it was too late so I sunk into momentary depression alone. Watched some TV because that's usually good for zoning out from unhelpful thoughts.

Then, I went back to bed and fortunately fell asleep. Woke up feeling a little better. Mornings usually have that effect. Realised I got an SMS from David at about 11pm last night saying how much he loved and missed me and sent kisses "to the power of n". If only I checked my phone the night before. I'm sure it would've calmed me down. So even if I was rejected from the corporate world, at least David accepted me.

I decided to put my worthlessness feelings aside and go to help David with his shopping. When I saw him, he was acting a little unusual. He said that yesterday when he went out with Ria and Ryan, he realised how much he loved me because all he wanted was for me to be there. He said he even called Ria by my name accidentally. Then he told me he couldn't sleep at all because he couldn't stop thinking about me and wishing I was with him. If only I knew he was still awake, I would've called him.

I felt so much better knowing that at least one person in the world needed me and thought I had some value.

Shopping with David wasn't what I expected it to be. I planned to choose all his clothes but he wouldn't let me. I don't know if he did this on purpose but every time he managed to pick the worst thing. Fortunately some of them were expensive and he didn't end up buying them. He let me pick one T-shirt for him that I liked and he said he'd wear it for me. How nice. (I told my parents about this when I got home and my Dad said his refusal to be influenced by me showed a "strength of character". Whatever.)

Got a phone call from April and Christine (very unusual) while I was having dinner at David's house (I didn't want to but he insisted). They said they were going out tonight and asked if I wanted to come. I would've loved to because it's so rare for us all to go out to clubs/bars. It's usually just Amelia and me. However, I wouldn't have had time to go home to get ready. So I had to decline. Hopefully this wasn't a once in forever outing.

Was kinda sad to leave David when I had to go home, even though I'm seeing him tomorrow. He said he missed me already when I was still at his house. Such a squirmy couple thing but I really felt the same. I never wanted to leave his side.