Photos, Ew and Wishes

There are photos of me and people from uni on the net but I can't show them to you, even though I really want to. It's nice to be able to put a face to a person that you've heard about. I'm sure you understand the reason. For those who don't, ask yourself this question:
if you were me and this was your blog, would you want to be identified? I didn't think so.

Today when I was standing next to Jack, I felt my skin crawl. It was horrible. I tried to pretend that he wasn't there but it wasn't easy.

I started the book shop job yesterday. It was great. It made me think that although it took me ages to find a casual job, when I did find one, it was the perfect one. Since working in a book shop was a childhood wish for me, it feels so surreal now that it's reality. I don't believe it's happening. Every time something that I always wanted happens, it feels like I'm dreaming. All of this is probably because it's very rare that I get something that I really want. This made me wonder that maybe Nadine is right about RG -- although I'm finding it impossible to find a boyfriend, when I will find one, he will be perfect. Oh... I wish!

Remember when I got disconnected because someone called me and when I checked the number, it was Amelia? But when I called her, she said that she didn't call? (Refer to 18.3.3) Well, it turned out to be Emma. I must've mistaken their phone numbers because they only vary by 2 digits. That's for anyone who cares.

Guess what? I got another job. It's tutoring. I can't believe that for the last several months, I would be happy with any sort of work and now I have two at the same time! I guess that's life.

I realised that I started writing a lot of details of my life. I think it's because I want to be able to look back on a particular day and remember what kind of conversations I had and what I did and saw. Those little moments that make up life.

Birthdays

I don't know where to start so I'll just quote Amelia in her blog:

"I am now convinced that I have the bestest most ass kicking friends in teh whole universe... can you feel the love ;_; I don't really have much reason to be happy right now but they make me feel all fuzzy anyway. Awwww..."

I feel very special now (especially since I was the friend who put her in that mood because after hanging out with me, she went home). I know exactly how she feels because these friends also make me all fuzzy inside. Most of our friends are the same people.

My birthday was today. I turned 19 which is nothing special really and although I don't have RG, I feel good. April and Claudia messaged me their birthday wishes and so did Nadine (after she remembered that I'm not home till after 10pm on Tuesdays). Lauren and Sophia gave me a very pretty birthday card (which was more than I expected).

Andrew gave me the sweetest present. He is the best brother ever! I asked for "mouth watering water" that's been advertised on TV for ages and he couldn't find it. So he bought every single flavoured water that he could get in the shops! Could he be any more angelic? He also didn't go to sleep until I came so he could give me the present. I could tell he was tired. He's my little angel. Well, not that little since he's heaps taller than me but since he's younger I call him little.

My parents said that all our relatives called. I'm kind of glad I wasn't home because... well, just because. It's still nice to know that they are thinking about me.

My grandparents made me some pies. Not just any but my grandma's special meat ones which you won't find anywhere. They are mouth-wateringly delicious. Trust me!

Yesterday we went out to celebrate Amelia's birthday. April didn't come ('cause she was a bit lazy which is not really an excuse). Although Georgia was there, I still had a good time. Amelia's happiness and warmth was very infectious and I couldn't help but be grateful to be there with her. I loved the look on her face when she opened my present. She couldn't stop laughing which made me laugh. I'm so glad she liked it!

Christine gave me a lift almost back home. While we were waiting in the car for my parents, she goes, "When am I going to see you?'

me: I don't know...
Christine: Well, do you want your present now, then?
me (getting excited): you got me a present?
Christine: Uh... yeah, but it's not wrapped. Do you mind?
me: no...
Christine: Ok, I'll give it to you now then.

She brings me these flannel pink pyjamas with blue and purple doggies and furry purple slippers.

Christine: It's from all of us - Amelia, April, Claudia, Emma and Bethany. I wasn't sure about pink...
me (in my head): how could you not know that pink is not my colour?
me: no, it's cool. I love these!

I do actually love the present. It's something that is really nice to get when you wouldn't buy it for yourself. And it summarises how my friends make me feel: comfortable, warm and content. (And secretly, even though I wouldn't wear it, I love pink, hehe.)

I'm surprised that Bethany chipped in because after she went overseas last year for the whole year and didn't e-mail, and didn't call when she got back, I thought that we weren't friends anymore so this was surprising.

After that Christine and I were talking about having a pyjama party so I could wear the ones that they gave me and Claudia could wear the ones that we gave her (my idea, by the way). Then she said something that started stressing me out. She suggested to invite Georgia! It was so nice last year when we never went out with her so why change it? She'd just ruin everything. I wish she'd disappear. I didn't say anything since we didn't organise anything definte.

I'm sort of jumping between yesterday and today so sorry if it's hard to keep up but lately I've been using this blog to keep a record of my life, like a real diary. So whereas before this was mainly for other people, now it's mainly for me.

Anyway, today Ronald wished me a happy birthday because he heard Lauren say it. He said it after class though which meant that he remembered it for an hour (which is impressive since he is not what you would call... how should I put it... very alert).

Fabian couldn't leave me alone today, not that it's surprising. Today he was on a roll, kept cracking jokes all through the tutorial making the other guys laugh and me feel sorry for his constant need for attention. God, the guy's pathetic. I was sitting far away from him (intentionally to avoid him). So instead of keeping to his side, he yelled my name across the room (while I was talking to Sophia). I ignored him the first few times because it was rude of him to interrupt. Couldn't he see I was talking to someone?! Obviously not because he wouldn't stop until I turned around. Then he said, "Sky, can you help me? I don't know what I'm doing." That was b*****t because he did the same thing last week. So I replied, "Ask the person next to you." So do you think he shuts up? Of course not. He goes to Jason, "Jase, I told you Sky hates me." Well genius, that took a while! Congratulations! You finally got it!

I'm sorry if I'm being too sarcastic but that guy annoys me so much.

Honestly, I don't hate him but I don't like him either. So if anyone thinks that I secretly like him just because he gets under my skin, you're very wrong!

At the end of the tutorial, Bill and Jason came up to talk to me which was strange since they never do. It was nice though. I like it when people find me comfortable to talk to, especially guys.

I forgot to mention that I saw Lara (from ODV) on the train today. She remembered my birthday. Then it turned out Amelia was on my train as well which was strange since she doesn't even live on my line but she said that on Tuesdays she always catches that train. I get to walk to uni with her! Excellent! I don't know why but lately I just love being with Amelia. If you met her, you'd understand. She is such a character.

On the way home, in the train, the back of the seat in front of me had "FUCK YOU" written on it. Guess what I did?! I made the phrase into "FUNKY YOU!" with stars around it! First, I thought about it but then I actually did it! I couldn't believe myself since I've never even written on desks. I just knew that if I wouldn't, I'd regret it and I also remembered someone saying, "I'd rather regret the things that I did instead of regretting things that I haven't done". But I don't even regret it. I actually feel proud of myself. It's like a birthday present for myself. I just feel that there is enough negativity in the world so why add to it?

I got a call from the bookshop, offering me a job!!! What a nice birthday present!

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Saturday Night Fever

I went to April's birthday party yesterday. It was all right. I didn't enjoy it too much, though. I don't know why. I haven't been enjoying the last few parties that I've been to. Everyone just eats and has boring small talks. I think April had a good time which was the most important thing. There were a couple of interesting people (April's uni friends). Amelia also made the whole thing more fun. I talked to Emma and Claudia quite a bit. I noticed that Emma has a really good fashion taste. She could've passed for a model or an actress in "The Joy Luck Club". I remember in year 8 she had crooked teeth and a pimply face and now she's beautiful. Her personality hasn't changed though which still makes her a great person (and friend).

Georgia (the bitch) was there. She's the only person that I really can't stand. Why? Because after I started hanging out with April, Amelia, Claudia and Christine, she started insulting me when she didn't even know me. So after I got sick of her rudeness, I confronted her about it.

I asked her why she hated me so much and if it was something I did, I was sorry. I thought I was being mature about the whole thing. So what does she do? She doesn't say what I did to make her angry but just tells me off like I killed somebody. I don't even want to repeat her obscenities. I even started crying. I just didn't understand how someone could hate me so much when I didn't do a thing to them.

Although I was really hurt at first, I got over it because instead of being angry at her, I started to have pity for her because she had a really bad family life, not many friends and most people at school didn't like her. She wasn't worth me feeling bad.

After that whenever I saw her, I looked straight in her face and smiled. She'd never even look at me. Since she wanted me to ignore her, I did the opposite because that was the only way I could think to hurt her. I felt so much superior than her and that felt really good. If anyone is in a similar situation, I recommend to do what I did because it works like magic.

At first I didn't tell my friends about it because they were friends with her but one time when they all got mad at her, I told them. That lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. They were all very sympathetic. Amelia said that Georgia did that to her too, but Amelia didn't confront her. Now they are friends again. I don't understand how anyone could be friends with that inhumane person.

What hurts me the most about the whole thing is that now my friends are nice to her, when they know that she's been horrible. That's the worst. When April and I were planning to have a combined party, she asked me if I mind if Georgia comes because it'd be rude not to invite her. Ha! How could she even say that?! What about Georgia being rude to me?! I started saying that we don't have to be nice to someone who is not nice to other people.

It annoys me so much when April tries to be an angel. "A friend to everyone is a friend to no one" is a very wise quote. I can't stand people that are always nice. Maybe it's because she's religious.That's what I don't like about April the most.

I wish Georgia's presence wouldn't affect me so much because that means she has power over me, but it does. I hope she doesn't see it. I wish she'd get a conscience so she can feel guilty about it for the rest of her life and try to become a nicer person or at least a reasonable one i.e. if she doesn't like someone it's ok but if that person wants to sort out their differences, she should be reasonable enough to do that. If I never see her again, it would still be too soon.

I left early which made me feel a bit empty because I wanted to stay with April, Christine and Claudia a bit more to see what they were going to do. But since I depend on my parents to pick me up from the station, I had to leave at about 10pm. I always want to stay in the City all night and go to different clubs but I can't. I should try to organise a sleepover so we could all stay up all night and go to someone's house after that in Christine's car.

I don't like catching the train at night. Not because it's dangerous (it isn't) but because that's when I really long for RG. I just wish that I had RG to lean on and go home with or just come home to. I swear that's never going to happen because I'll never meet him.

When we were all saying good-byes, I saw a group of guys and one looked like Max (a guy I talked online with for over 2 years). I can't believe I still think that I might see him accidentally. Must MUST stop doing that!

I'm not in the best mood at the moment because the 'not ever finding RG' feeling is very strong.

Found Myself A Travel Buddy

I'm going to America!!! Not now but in probably 2 years i.e. once I have enough money. I found a travel mate and it's not Nadine. Lauren said she can go any time but her friends can't get themselves organised. That sounds too familiar. Great, now it all depends on me and I trust myself to get ready. I'm just wondering if I should wait till I turn 21 because that's when I'd be able to do everything there or if I should just go before then while I still don't have a full time job.

I'm so excited now because now I have someone to go to America with. Hopefully by the time we go, things will settle down there. Although it's a bit early to start planning the itinerary, I don't care. I'm already surfing travel web sites. Lauren has already been there and has relatives there so it's even better. She knows already what's good and what's not so we won't makes beginners' travelling mistakes. Ahhh... can't wait!

I watched "Joe Millionaire" yesterday. How could I not?! I'm embarrassed to say but Evan and Zora looked perfect together. The whole thing was so romantic (and this coming from me!). The way they looked at each other just melted everything in me and all I wanted was to have that deep connection with someone. I know that sounds corny because we all know that it's a reality TV show but I don't know why but I think they will be together for a while. Maybe I'm wrong but who knows...

What's On Everyone's Mind

I can't not mention that war has started. Not that anyone doesn't know. I'm sure all the news networks are heaven, now that they have something interesting to report on.

A few people marched into my lecture today to announce the beginning of war through a megaphone. At first everyone heard them through the walls. I got scared because I didn't realise what was happening. It was like they were announcing that war has started at uni.

Everyone has got such strong opinions about the whole thing. I'm against the war but what if the US intelligence knows something that we don't and are not telling us to not cause mass hysteria? What if this secret information gives them no alternative? Maybe I've been watching 24 too much. But what if..?

CNN Today

I have some time to kill before uni today so I was reading the CNN web site. I was never one of those people that's very interested in news but lately I've been reading and watching them quite a bit.

Stories that caught my eye:

World
Bahrain offers exile to Saddam
It'd be good if Saddam Hussein agreed and then Bahrain would give him up to the US who would jail the psycho for life. They'd probably torture and kill him to save jail space and because they are the US.

Technology
Looking into the mind of a virus writer
Interesting but scary. Makes me want to save all the computer's files on disk.

Science and Space
Searching for life in outer space
Those signals will probably turn out to be something really minor because that's what usually happens, unfortunately.

Health
Mystery bug may be common virus
After reading this, I started running out of breath. I'm such a hypochondriac.

Count cigarettes for lung cancer risk
I so passionately hate smoking that maybe this new piece of information will motivate people to quit or never start!

Education
Judge: No suspension for candy with religious message
Can you even imagine something like that happening in Australia?

Well, that's the news for today.

After the interview I got Amelia's present -- a beef cookbook! I thought they didn't even exist. She should love it! I was so happy when I found it that I completely forgot to get April's present. At least I know what I'm getting her. I just have to go and get it. I'll do that tomorrow.

Once and (Never) Again

I can't believe I forgot to mention that "Once and Again" is officially over!!! I really liked how they ended the whole thing. They had the cast talk about the show. That was interesting to see the actors out of their roles and it was also interesting to see the writers. I'm going to miss it. I wonder what will happen with Jesse and Katie. How will Jesse's family react? And is Karen going to stay with her physiotherapist? Will Lilly and Rick move to Australia? Will Sam and Judy get married? What will happen to Grace, Zoe and Eli? I guess we'll never know.

The Interview

I got called for a job interview today at a book shop. I was a bit worried that I couldn't speak properly because of my voice but it strangely got better once I got there. The interview went for an hour and a half! I had to fill out forms and spelling and general knowledge tests. Then I had a talk with the interviewer about too many things to mention. I actually enjoyed the discussion. I was so sure that I got the job until I told my test answers to my parents. It turned out that I got heaps wrong. I am so annoyed at myself at getting the simplest things wrong. I can be so stupid for someone who reads so much.

I doubt I'll get the job now unless they won't find anyone better. I guess that's too bad since I really wanted to work in that environment.

The Ya-Ya Concept

I was just checking out message boards and it's amazing how many women are into the whole thing. Some were planning a pyjama party and they are way past their teenage years. I thought I was the only one who likes stuff like that but am too old for it. I guess not. I don't know why all those women want to meet other women who they've never seen. Maybe they're lonely, who knows. I'd feel a bit weird joining something like that. I'd rather just do that sort of stuff with my own friends, instead of strangers with whom I'd have to pretend to be really close. Isn't that what the ya-ya thing is all about? I mean females being close friends with each other. How would that work with strangers? It's not like you can be close friends with someone you just met. Can you?

Sure, the idea of lots of close friends has a warm feeling but I don't see how it would work in real life if everyone met over the net. Do you?

Morning Thoughts

I woke up at 7am today and today is my sleep-in day. I don't know why I don't require as much sleep as I used to before. I'm not sure if I woke up because I really wasn't tired or because my Mum was yelling at Dad because he put his clothes on top of her top that took ages to iron and it was under there for a couple of days because she completely forgot about it. She apologised for waking me up. Usually I would've been really irritated because I need my sleep, especially that I went to bed late last night but today I just didn't care. I was as fresh as anything.

I was planning on going shopping for Amelia's and April's birthday presents but I still can't stop coughing so I'm not going. I'll go tomorrow after uni since it's on the way home.

The book that I'm reading now is "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" by Rebecca Wells. I love books about female friendships because those bonds are very special. Anyone female who has very close girl friends will understand. I even prefer those books to romance novels, probably because I can relate more to that. Those sort of friendships are made even more special if the girls have been friends in their childhood. My close girl friends are extra special because I don't have a boyfriend. Lately I've been thinking that the time that I spend with my girl friends is what makes my life meaningful. It's strange how my attitude changed because a few years ago I thought that having only guy friends would be much better than having only girl friends.

I really need a boyfriend. Then my life would be perfect.

I don't know why I don't want to sleep considering I haven't slept properly last night because of my cough. Dad let me know that he didn't sleep well either. Also because of my cough.

I think Amelia's beef cravings are contagious because I really want some. I will use my will power to not eat it because it's almost midnight and I'll regret it tomorrow.

So, I'm having an apple instead.

A Long Day = A Long Entry

Today I had a lecture with Claudia again. I love that because having old friends with you is like having your family there, only better because I'd hate to have my family in the same lectures. Can you even imagine?! I just mean that it gives me this nice warm comfort that gets rid of all my anxieties (which are mainly pointless). We discussed April's and Amelia's birthday presents.

When the lecture finished and we were walking, some guy bumped into me. He said sorry and I didn't even pay that any attention until Fabian comes up and says, "Sky, that was me. I did it on purpose." In my head I was imagining Fabian's head being chopped off over and over again in an Ally McBeal cartoonish style (I'm not that dark!) to make myself feel better. I mumbled, "I didn't realise" to smooth over the situation. God, I can't stand him! He was walking behind me and Claudia most of the way. Then we bumped into Amelia which was quite exciting 'cause we had so much to talk about. We sort of stopped in the middle of the road, causing Fabian to genuinely bump into me. Amelia said, "Sky, I have to call you tonight!" which made me feel great. I told her that I won't be home before 9pm. Fabian heard our short conversation which was great because it showed that I have a life outside of uni that is so important that I have no need to pay attention to him. I swear he thinks he's the light of my life or something.

At a tutorial I had another incident with another up himself guy by the name of Jack. I'm sure I mentioned him before. He forgot to bring something that was necessary for the tutorial so he had the nerve to ask me to borrow mine since his tutorial was before mine. I wouldn't lend that guy a thing. Since he thinks that I like him, he probably thought that I'd give him anything. I guess he won't think that anymore which is great. Now he probably thinks that I'm greedy but I don't care. I'd rather he thought that than that I liked him.

I had lunch with Sophia who is one of those people that is likeable no matter how many faults they have. I find that if people are genuinely compassionate, their faults only make them easier to relate to and easier to like since I have so many faults of my own and can feel intimidated by seemingly perfect people. When she worries about something, she goes on and on about it. Strangely, it doesn't annoy or irritate me. I actually sympathise with her.

After lunch we went to our tutorial and guess who out of all people had to be in it? The 'King' Fabian! He came with Bill (angsty but nice guy), Warren (girl-crazy guy who looks and acts like a gangster) and Jason (a shy genius). Here's the conversation that took place:

Bill: Jase is a playa
Fabian (putting his arm around Jason): I'm a playa too
Warren: You said you want to play Sky

My eyes widened to the point where my eyebrows almost touched my hairline. The guys looked at my reaction. I mumbled something along the lines of "That would be scary!" trying to sound as if I'm kidding along with the rest of the losers. Fabian actually paused for a second because Warren obviously took him by surprise.

Fabian (jokingly): Sure! Of course, I am.

Then Norma comes. Fabian puts his arm around her.

Fabian: See, I'm a playa. Norma, I'm playing you.

Norma says something that I can't remember. The whole thing was obviously not bothering her.

As soon as we got into the room, I sat as far from Fabian as possible because I was really sick of him. I don't think that Warren would've said that out of nowhere. Fabian must've said something about me for him to say that. If he was serious and Fabian was just trying to get me to like him so he can play mind games with me, that wouldn't have ever worked because there's nothing he'd be able to do for me to like him. Well, unless he completely changed his personality, but then that wouldn't be Fabian.

During the tutorial he tried to joke with me which was very stupid because I feel so tense and uncomfortable whenever he's around that I wouldn't be able to find anything funny coming out of his mouth if my life depended on it. That's how much I can't stand the guy.

Some guy sat next to me and tried talking with me which usually would've made me very happy but since he was Asian, I couldn't care less. Did I ever say that I'm never attracted to Asian guys? I don't know why since I have nothing against Asians, especially since about 95% of my friends are Asian and I treasure them more than anything. Nadine said that she understood me which was nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I think it could be due to the fact that Asian guys look very feminine and I like masculine guys. I don't know...

Amelia is my favourite person at the moment. Every time I'm with her I have the best time. Today I ran into her when she was going home and I had 2 hours to waste (by myself) before my next (and last) subject. So does she say, "Sorry but I can't stay" or "That's too bad. I'd hate if that happened to me but I have to go"? No, she says, "Great! Now I can spend some time with you!" How can I not love that girl?!

We went to the cafeteria because she was hungry and I should've had something to eat since I was supposed to be at uni till 9pm. She bought lasagna just so she could satisfy her beef cravings (which I thought were temporary). I love talking with her because we have such fun(ny) conversations. She was telling me about the guy that is obsessed with her and I couldn't stop laughing because the way she says stuff is hilarious. For her birthday she's planning on going to all places that sell beef. She's crazy, but that's one of the reasons I adore her.

After we decided which guy was cute and which one wasn't, we went on one of our exploring adventures. I suggested we go to a place near the library that Nadine told me was really freaky because it's underground and like a maze. We couldn't find it so we went into the library. Since Nadine told me never to go on the top floors because supposedly there are only freaks there, Amelia and I went there. I said that the freaks are probably psychotic murderers. Amelia laughed and said "The freaks are probably just drug dealers or people having sex."

When we got there, the floor looked just like all the others. No weirdos in sight which disappointed Amelia. She said that we were not leaving until she sees a freak. The closest we found was a girl with different coloured socks (one yellow and one red). Although Amelia wasn't fully satisfied, we were distracted by the writings on the walls. I suggested that we leave a mark there as well. We ended up writing this (except for our names):

Amelia: I love you!
me: I love you too!
Amelia: Really?! Truly?! Liar!
me: I was actually serious. I know who you are.
Amelia: go to the 8th floor at 6pm next Wednesday to meet me

Then we went to the 8th floor and wrote the following (as close as I can remember) on the wall:

Amelia: You didn't come!
me: I did come. I was just a bit late. Meet me on the 7th floor at 6pm next Wednesday.
Amelia: The end. There's no future for us. I met a first year on the 4th floor. That's where all the cuties are!

I made her write the last part.

Then we left the library. I wonder if people who'll read it will realise that the whole thing was written by two friends as a joke to amuse themselves. If you're ever there, go and check it out!

Then she went home and I went to my lecture. She said she'll keep me company next week as well, especially since it's my birthday. She even offered to bring me a cake and sing happy birthday. She even gave me a little preview of her singing in front of everyone else. Hopefully she won't embarrass me. She said that she can just bring a muffin and put one candle in it. She's so sweet! I just wanted to give her a hug because she was making my day so wonderful.

When we were walking back, a guy from ODV smiled excitedly at me. I've only spoken to him once. It was nice though. I told Amelia that he was from ODV and she said that she thought it was just another freak. I wonder how many strange guys smile at her...

I left my last lecture early because I couldn't stop coughing. It was so embarrassing because my eyes were watering and this awful sound kept coming out of my throat. Now I have to find out what we have to do for next week. I hate catching up.

Just as I was writing this, someone called and disconnected the net. When I checked the number, it turned out to be Amelia's. I was curious why she would call me after I've already seen her today so I called back. She said that she didn't call, she was watching TV. That is very strange because I'm 95% sure it was her number.

Well, that was my day. How was yours?

Day Off

Decided to skip uni today. Surprised? I would be if I wasn't so sick. I was supposed to have only a one hour lecture today so it wasn't anything important.

I went to the doctor because my blood test results came in. They even called me on Saturday. I didn't know that they called even if your blood test results were fine. They could've just told me that on the phone instead of making me wait for over an hour in the lobby.

It's good that I didn't go to uni 'cause I couldn't stop coughing all day and I hate when that happens in a silent place such as a lecture theatre. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow because I can't afford to miss uni then.

I watched "Once and Again" once and again. Hehe. Sorry, couldn't resist. There's only a couple of episodes left, unfortunately. God, I love that show. I wish the characters were real people so I could meet them. In today's episode, Grace was trying to pursue a relationship with her teacher (who is too creepy for my liking). Julia Whelan (the actress that plays Grace) is a genius in portraying every subtle emotion that Grace has which makes the complexity of Grace's personality so fascinating to watch. The script is also just so wonderful that it plays over and over in my head after the hour is over. All the other actors (and crew) are wonderful too. Amy Lippens is spot on when casting actors. April and I might need her help when we'll get to make our show. Speaking of which, I got over my 'writer's block' and wrote a couple of pages.

April messaged me about Saturday. I guess even if she's mad, she's not going to show it, which suits me fine. If she does bring it up, I will apologise because she has a right to be upset with me.

No one is posting anything on my message board. Should I start some discussions? Any ideas?

Books and TV

You must read "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe"!!! It's the best book that I have read lately and I've read a lot of good books lately. I even had an urge to buy it which is amazing since I almost never want to read a book more than once. My vocabulary is too insufficicient to describe the wonderful characters and the wise story. Do yourself a favour and read it!

Sorry if I'm being too forceful but after reading an excellent book, I forget that not everyone is into reading as much as I am.

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on the human instincts. I missed the first two parts unfortunately. It was quite interesting but then again I find anything to do with humans fascinating.

After that I watched "While You Were Sleeping" for I-don't-know-how-many's time. I didn't mean to watch it but I had nothing else to do. It's one of those movies that I can watch over and over again because it's light and funny and I can relate to the main character. I even almost cried which was extremely strange since I never cry at movies (especially if no one dies). Sometimes I can be such a sucker for romantic comedies.

I don't know why I'm getting so emotional lately (I even almost cried when I saw the Delta Goodrem music clip for "I'm Lost Without You"). It's starting to scare myself since I don't approve of any sort of sentimentalities. The last time I got too emotional was when I used to talk to Max (which is a long story that I don't feel like going into right now or maybe ever). I hope I'll snap out of it soon.

Happy 100th To Me!

My website has been visited 100 times! Yay! I should celebrate... or maybe I shouldn't. Anyway, I saw Sandra today. She's pretty happy with her new course. Did I tell you that she transferred? It's actually weird that now that she's not there with us at breaks, I'm hanging out more with other people. That's a good thing.

Also I don't care what the group of 'cool' guys think of me anymore. I know I'm sounding like a high school kid with classifying some guys as 'cool' but I missed out on that in high school since there weren't any guys and no cliques, which I guess is lucky but still. Take for example after lectures when Sandra was there as well, most people in my course were going to the uni bar. Last year I would most likely have dragged myself along because it was another opportunity to make friends with the 'cool' guys. Today I couldn't care less since I don't like them. I would've come if Lauren, Sophia or Lilly (my uni friends) went but since they didn't, I couldn't be bothered going there and pretending to be comfortable. And I was feeling sick anyway.

I guess I regret not going a little bit because what if some of the guys had other friends and one of them could be RG? That's my whole thinking process which I really should stop. I can't always go everywhere just because RG might be there. It's too late now anyway.

April still hasn't replied to my e-mail in which I cancelled our birthday plans. She hasn't called either. I feel so bad now. I hope she's not too mad. I'll e-mail her again.

Someone mysterious called my mobile today. I hate it when I don't know who it was. It drives me crazy! What if it was something about a job? I guess it could've been Amelia since last time she called me, her number didn't show up. I should ask her about that.

Siblings' Love

I seriously don't know what it's like to be an only child and I don't want to know. Yesterday, I was watching TV with my brother and all of a sudden I thought that I don't know what I'd do without him. Sure, I get annoyed with him sometimes but in general he's like my best friend. He probably knows more about me than anyone else (about the same as Nadine). When we were little he'd always follow me around and copy everything I did and now he respects my opinion the most. He told me that himself. He said that no matter what, he always takes my opinion the most seriously. That makes me feel so extremely good that I'm so important to someone. I can't even describe the feeling. It makes me feel sorry for people who don't have any siblings but I guess since they don't, they don't know what they're missing. For example, April (or was it Judy?) told me once that she likes being an only child. If I ever have kids, I'm having at least 2 because I think it's cruel to only have one. I know some siblings don't get along and that makes me sad because having a sibling is a gift that should be treasured. It's like your parents giving you a friend for life who will love you unconditionally. That's something extremely special.

Friends

I'm in such a good mood today. The reason for this is because I was surrounded by friends and that always puts me in a good mood. They weren't even school friends but I can feel that I'll be friends with these people for a while.

Amelia also called me today which was nice since she never calls anyone. She wanted to meet up but I had a lecture. Oh well, maybe another time. People from ODV are supposed to meet up tonight which is why I also wanted to meet up with Amelia and Claudia. I didn't want to show up by myself in case there weren't people that I know. I guess I won't be going then.

I also decided not to have a combined birthday party with April because thinking about who to invite is giving me a headache. I know I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it but I can't help it. Also, what if the people that I wanted to come couldn't and other people that I had to invite so they won't get offended could? And I don't particularly like being the centre of attention and making sure everyone is having a good time. I just want to talk to whoever I feel like on the day and not go from one person to another. Also having almost no guys at the party is embarrassing, especially when my uni friends have lots and will think I'm really weird if I don't have any.

I hope April is not upset with me since I cancelled our plan pretty late. I'd be upset at myself. Hopefully, she won't mind.

At My Grandparents

I am at my grandparents at the moment because I'm too lazy to go home. And besides I'm lucky enough to have really cool ones. I think I mentioned before that my grandpa is getting into the internet and my grandma has a mind of a 50 year old instead of an 80 year old. She also looks about 60, I'm not exaggerating! Plus, I love showing off about my grandparents!

I'm pretty close with both sets of grandparents, probably because they've been very involved in my childhood and I used to (and still do) spend a lot of time with them. I spend more time with my paternal grandparents because they live really close, unlike my other ones who don't even live in the same city. I can talk to my grandma for hours. She can be really funny. For example today she was telling me about a book that she was reading which at the time it was written, it was thought to be pornographic but now it's very tame. It's funny to think of my grandma reading stuff like that but she's very open about everything (which I guess is unusual for people her age). I can't even imagine my Mum telling me something like that!

My other grandma is funny as well because she tells really good stories. She can make any situation hilarious. Every time she tells me something, I can be in stitches from laughing so hard. I miss not being able to see her all the time.

One of my readers has informed the 'naive and sheltered' me that hash cookies is not a code name for drugs. Damn, it would've made my 7 March entry so much more mysterious.

I just came back from another part of my job search. I went to a bookshop that asked me to come back when I got my timetable which is what I did. But now since "the circumstances changed" they are not looking for anyone. The woman took another copy of my resume and available times in case "the circumstances change again". I really should call the tutoring agency again and tell them that I'm available. I so don't want to, though.

Guy Problems

Did I tell you that I can't stand some of the guys in my course? No? Well, I do. One of those guys is Fabian. To give you a picture of him, just imagine an actor who would play a good looking villain (dark, tall, muscles). The guy is spilling with confidence. I've never met anyone more sure of themselves. He thinks he's God (which is ironic since I don't believe in God). He also thinks that all the girls like him (which I guess some do, but not me). At the beginning of uni when we had to be in the same group for some exercise and I asked him about himself, he smirked as if I had a crush on him. After that I avoided talking to him.

Yesterday, when we were in the lift with some other people, he took me by my backpack straps and started shaking me. In my head I was, like, what the fuck?!!! I was too stunned to say anything. I just sort of pushed him a bit because I didn't want to hurt him by punching. Then he goes, jokingly, "I just felt like shaking someone" and then adds casually, "So how are you, Sky?" to which I replied annoyed, "Fine, how are you?!" I should've punched him and said, "I just felt like punching someone". I hate him. It was so embarrassing.

When we got to the tutorial, guess who was in it? Jack (the sleazy guy who liked me last year). Fortunately, he ignored me.

Then when we had an hour break, I had lunch with Norma (not my favourite person because last year she kept talking to me like I was a child which really annoyed me). Anyway, she had a fight with her boyfriend and started asking me for advice. I don't really like giving advice because I don't want to give the wrong one so I sort of said some general things. She started agreeing with me, saying that I was "so right!". It's funny that I've never had a boyfriend but give good boyfriend advice.

Emergency

Let's just say that my week didn't start out too well. But looking on the bright side, at least I have something to write about!

On Monday morning (or I should say night), I had to go to the emergency room because my stomach was in excruciating pain. I swear I thought I was going to die. Since I've never been to an emergency room (even a hospital) before, I expected the doctors to rush to me and make me feel better straight away. Isn't that what 'emergency' means? But no, I was made to wait at least an hour (which seems like a year when you're in a lot of pain) before the nurse gave me some painkillers. Then I kept getting told that the number of people in front of me that needed help was increasing, even after I answered the nurse's question of rating my pain from 1 to 10 with 11. She laughed as if I was joking! I honestly never experienced a worse pain.

Although I felt like I was dying, I kept cracking jokes for some strange reason and making witty remarks about everything. My parents thought that if I was being funny, I can't be in much pain. It was actually the opposite. I don't know why I was like that. Speaking of my parents, my Mum almost had a nervous breakdown which wasn't helping. When she found out that we had to wait at least a couple of hours before seeing a doctor, she started snapping at me for us to go home, which I refused because I couldn't even move.

The painkillers made me feel better so we ended up going home because I'd be able to see a GP sooner than the doctor there. It was good that I could actually go to uni that day.

Feeling Bad

Have you ever felt bad for no reason at all? I haven't until yesterday. So yesterday and today, I snapped at everyone and everything. This started to really irritate me, thus making me feel even worse.

I started reading "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe" and that cheered me up a bit, or at least took my mind off whatever was making me feel depressed. I'm not even half way through but I can already tell that it's going to be one of my favourite books. It made me laugh and think and love the characters from as soon as I began reading. I highly recommend it!

April wants to have a combined birthday party which is ok, but I don't want to celebrate something that I'm not looking forward to in the least. People usually dread birthdays when they get old but I dreaded birthdays since I was about 10, when I realised that I want to be a kid forever. So although my life has been improving as I get older and I wouldn't want to go back to being a kid, I still get anxious about getting a year older. I'm going to be 19 for heaven's sake! And although mentally I feel 19, my life has nothing to show for it. What I have now is what I should've had at 12 or 13. My life revolves around education, family and close girl friends. By now I should have a serious boyfriend and a job.

I think the reason I'm feeling down is because of all the little things that make my life bad combined together.

I'll stop being depressing and will tell you a few irrelevant things:
1. Check out Rinkworks. It made me laugh so you might find it funny too.
2. If you like canonical lists, click here. I laughed out loud when I read them.
3. For all of you who are obsessed with books, you have to check out this site!
4. And don't forget Emode which will tell you all you want to know about yourself. (It predicted that I will marry at 21. Yeah, I wish!)

That's it from me for today. Sorry, I couldn't be more interesting or funnier. I'm just not in a very creative mood at the moment. Maybe next time!

My Latest Adventures

The last few days have been interesting and beneficial to breaking my boring routine. There's so much to say and I'm not sure how to link everything together so I'll just tell you bits and pieces of what happened as coherently as possible.

Welcome to the gay party
I never met a person that I was 100% sure was gay. That was before I came to uni, or more precisely before yesterday. I volunteered to help out with food at some morning meeting. I had no idea what it was for until I looked around and realised that everyone looked stereotypically gay. Honestly, I felt a bit uncomfortable being surrounded by extremely feminine looking guys and very butch girls. However, there was one very beautiful girl who was very feminine and I wouldn't have ever guessed that she was gay.

What annoyed me the most about the event was how different speakers (including a scary looking drag queen) were so against the heterosexual people. You'd think that they'd be more tolerant towards people after all the discrimination that they experience. Talk about total hypocrisy.

It was an interesting experience though -- being a part of such an event. I try to make as many experiences for myself as possible because that's what makes life interesting.

Adventures with Amelia
Later that day I met up with Amelia. She's my third best friend. (I don't know why but I unconsciously rank my friends, which is stupid really.) She is a very interesting person which makes me always have fun with her. I left ODV about an hour early and we went to eat because for some reason she was craving beef. See what I mean by her being interesting? After that we went to another uni, 'cause we had nothing else to do and we both like exploring places where we haven't been and probably aren't supposed to be.

First we wanted to find a lecture and join it, pretending to be a part of that uni but we couldn't find one. Amelia suggested that we should follow someone who seemed to be going to a lecture. That was really funny because after we decided to follow some guy, Amelia says really loudly, "Let's follow him!" when we were only a couple of metres behind him and then she says jokingly, "Maybe we can take his wallet" right while the guy was taking out his wallet from his bag. The guy started walking faster because he obviously heard Amelia and Amelia started walking faster as well so she was only a metre behind him. Subtlely obviously has so meaning to her. I didn't move so she came back. I had to explain to her (as if I'm such an expert on spying) that if you want to follow someone, you can't walk so close to them. She probably thought that I follow people around all the time. But it's just common sense.

We then tried to follow other people but that didn't work because we kept changing our targets. Well, we had to. It's not like we could just walk into a small tutorial or follow a guy into the toilets.

We ended up going into the Women's Room. Why isn't there a Men's Room? I'm all for women's rights to achieve equality but there's nothing equal about providing space and special tea (which we had at our uni) only for women. This is some sort of militant feminism. In the Women's Room, there was lots of feminist literature and all of it had the word 'women' spelt as 'womyn'. What the hell?!!! What next? Are they going to change all the words that contain men? This isn't even political correctness. This is stupid egoitistical rubbish.

Amelia felt as annoyed about it as I was so we decided to leave, but the door wouldn't open. I started panicking a bit because it was very embarrassing to be stuck in another university where you're not even supposed to be in a Women's Room!!! Thankfully, we didn't have to call for help because Amelia managed to open the door.

While we were at that uni, Amelia saw her ex-boyfriend. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I looked up her online diary (which she doesn't know that I know about) and it said it's her "sorta-ex-guy-[she]-used-to-like" so maybe it wasn't serious. Even Amelia had a boyfriend, but I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. She hangs out in the games arcades a lot so of course all the guys there love that a girl shares their hobby. She even told me that some guy kept asking her out every week of the holidays. This isn't the first time. She always gets weird guys obsessing over her.

Emma also had a stalker last year but he stopped once she told him off. What is it with guys who follow girls (who obviously are not interested) around? Don't they get the hint? Thankfully, I never had that problem. And I probably never will since I repel all guys. That's my unique talent.

Speaking of guys. During the last few days, I had a few conversations with some guys. I sort of made friends with one funny guy (who I'm pretty sure is gay since he's so much like a girl friend). I like being around him. I also talked to two guys from my team. One is really easy to talk to and Drew (the quiet one) makes me think that he likes me because he always agrees with me and thinks that everything that I say is a good idea. He's just being friendly but it still feels nice when he smiles at me.

A misunderstanding or a secret?
Something interesting happened related to the three guys in my team. I could be mistaken but I'm pretty sure they were organising a drugs party. They were being really secretive about it and only referring to the drugs as "hash cookies". It's hard to imagine those guys who seemed very intelligent by their conversations (I didn't even understand half of their vocabulary and they spoke some words in different languages) would take illegal drugs. It just doesn't make sense. I probably misunderstood the whole thing.

A silent understanding
As I realised the whole ODV thing is just a meeting opportunity. Some people were talking about if anyone got together because supposedly in the previous years there were lots of couples. So I'm not the only one that went there to meet people.

One guy (the sleazy one that kept hitting on Lara and a few others at camp) is obviously desperate because he came up behind me while I was serving food to a line of at least a thousand people and started tickling me. I can't stand when people invade my personal space, especially if it's sleazy guys like him. What worries me is that he's studying to be a Physical Education teacher. Schools really don't need people like him being around kids. He reminded me of a Science teacher that I used to have that told really sick stories to us and was just a creep in general.

Conclusion
It was definitely worth doing ODV because like I said before, every new experience adds colour to your life and I want to have a colourful life.

Left Behind

I went to uni today for the ODV training. It was ok. Everyone wandered around with their teams. There’s no one in my team that I’m friends with. At first, I thought the guys were pretty cool but it’s impossible to talk to them since they are always discussing things that I have no idea about. The girls are ok, I guess, but not easy to talk to either. I talked to some people from another team. They were more likeable.

A group of girls were talking about pregnancy. Is it me or is everyone talking about it? There was an article in the Sun-Herald about “pregnancy [being] the new black” and now this conversation. What is going on?! Maybe it’s just me noticing this because of my wish to be married and have kids. I don’t know.

I started noticing that people my age are not kids anymore and that feels weird. People my age have long-term partners, some live with them and some are getting married. Why am I being left behind? Does anyone else feel this way?

Reminiscing About Non-Existing Love

I was reading "The Most Wanted" by Jacquelyn Mitchard about a 14 year old girl who falls in love with a 25 year old convict. I usually don't like romance novels because I don't want to know about people being in love when to me the concept is completely foreign and imaginary, but this book is different. There's something about it that I really like. Although this sounds melodramatic but it sort of fills the empty hole inside me.

I keep telling myself that I'm so over wanting a relationship but honestly I want it more than ever. I just don't understand how so many different types of people fall in love, get married, have children while I have never been on a date. I want to be in love. This obviously sounds corny but I just want to know what it feels like in reality.

Am I the only person who feels this way? Do people just go out with whoever?

I know people say that everyone finds someone when they're not looking but it's so hard not to look when it's the only thing that you really want.

When I was in my early teens and was only really friends with Nadine, all I wanted was to have more close friends. My wish seemed impossible because I just couldn't imagine how I could find people that are similar to myself or just people who I would be comfortable to be myself with. I got my wish. It happened so gradually though.

I tell myself that although my wish seemed impossible, it happened. So maybe my wish for RG will happen too? I don't see how, though, and that's what saddens me.

Tomorrow I have to be at uni early for ODV stuff. I don't feel like going. Oh well, maybe something interesting will happen. It probably won't but I'll just exaggerate anything remotely exciting and write the new and improved version in here, ok?
Just kidding.

Got a Semi-Life Yesterday

Christine's party was very disappointing. About 20 people came. An all right guy sat opposite me (which was lucky, I guess since there were only 2 guys that I might have wanted to get to know). I couldn't talk to the guy at all because there was nothing to talk to him about. He said a few funny things but that's about it. The other guy that I wanted to talk to came to sit next to the previously mentioned guy but I didn't really talk to him. Both of them were definitely not RG material so I didn't really care that I didn't talk to them anyway. I was telling myself to say at least something to make friends with them (since they must know other guys (that might be RG material) but it was as if I lost my tongue. I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm destined to be single for the rest of my life.

I've had a nightmare last night about snakes being everywhere in my house and I was scared to move or do anything. I think it represents the stress that I'm in because of my singleness.

While I'm on the subject of dreams, I should tell you that the best person to interpret your dreams is you because dreams are subconsious associations with your life so since your brain associated one thing with another, it only makes sense that you are the one that knows what the associations mean.

Back to Christine's party. Everyone left early so my parents were pleasantly surprised that they wouldn't have to stay up till midnight.

April and I were talking about having a combined birthday party which made me think that I don't have any guys to invite. How extremely embarrassing. You know, I could probably invite about 20 (if not more) girls but not one single guy. Something is so seriously wrong with me. Lately I can make friends so easily with girls but with guys it's impossible. When I was little I had more guys friends than girl friends. I was always the one saying how much easier it is to relate to guys. I could become good friends with any guy that I met. What the hell happened? Does any one else have this problem of only being able to make friends with people of the same gender? Or am I the only insane one?