My Secret

I saw the above on PostSecret and it almost made me think David wrote it.

When we went on our first holiday together last year, he got a book of SuDoKu puzzles. When I was at his house, we did some of them together. I know every time I'd see it, I'd always think of him.

Not that it's a secret or anything. I just never thought to mention it.

Another thing I never 'mentioned' to him is Max. Remember him? Sometimes I feel like I should tell David because he played such a big role in my mind (not in my life) but I just don't want him to know. I don't know why, other than it's embarrassing. Sometimes I think it would just come up and when he'll ask me why I never told him, I'd casually say, "It was so unimportant I totally forgot about it". What a lie.

It just feels so stupid to have some guy I only comminucated with online and occasionally by phone for about 5 years. Well, I guess really it was only about 3 since a few years I only talked to him a couple of times. And only out of desperation.

I tell myself he's no big deal, but then why do I feel bad not telling my boyfriend, my best friend about it? Why is it so hard for me to just say it? He knows pretty much everything about me (including things I never even wrote here about) and he's still with me.

Of course he also doesn't know about this blog. I read somewhere that if you can't tell your partner that you have a blog, you have serious issues.

I guess I could tell him, but he'd want to read it then and I don't want him to because that would affect the way I write.

I love that this blog is something just for me (and strangers). It's my door to an alternate world, the one that runs parallel to my real one. And that's the way I like it. I put a lot of effort into making sure it stays that way. Of course there is risk and uncertainty about my anonymity. I could already be close to being discovered. But I guess I still live in this state of mind that no one will know. How else would I be able to write so candidly?

Is it wrong of me not to tell David about some things? Should partners know every detail of each other's lives?