The Bachelor Home Companion - A Practical Guide To Keeping House Like a Pig

ROOF REPAIRS

Remember, when making roof repairs, the most important thing on the roof is... you. If you value yor hide, you'll get down from there this minute.

But if you really have to get a TV antenna up or you'll miss the National League playoffs, be sure to do it in a rainstorm. Wherever you're holding the antenna when lightning strikes is the place where it will get the best reception.

INSULATION

Fiberglass is the best insulation material.

Rolls of commercial fiberglass should be handled carefully because fiberglass can irritate the skin. Cover your face and limbs, wear gloves, and a hat. When you've got all this on you'll be warm and won't need insulation.

LAYING WALL-TO-WALL CARPET

You can lay wall-to-wall carpet yourself or you can take the carpet you have already and adjust the walls accordingly.

COOKING: VEGETABLES

Vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children.

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno peper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes.

COOKING: FRUIT

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.

BACHELOR COOKING

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun.

For more helpful hints, check out "The Bachelor Home Companion" by P.J. O'Rourke.