The Max Game: Wrong Turn

The Max Game: Wrong Turn

I did a stupid stupid thing tonight. I think I just ruined my chances of meeting Max. I should know that timing is everything. I started off smartly this time (a few weeks ago), I waited for him to bring up meeting. Why couldn't I have just a little bit more patience and wait for him to organise it? Why did I have to bring it up when our conversation was at a low point and I was stalling and struggling to fill the silence? Did I have to bring up the subject at the worst time?

No, I don't expect you to answer any of my questions. They are just there to tell myself off for ruining my own plan.

I was reading a couple of blogs about relationships (no, I'm not talking about yours) and I was so quick to judge these people as being weak and I just wanted to tell them to get a grip (I'm still not talking about you). But then I thought, I'm being just as weak with the whole Max thing and I should get a grip. And really, I should.

But then, I thought I'm not like these people because I actually know what I'm doing. I know that I want to use Max because I can't find someone better. I know I'm playing with his mind because 5 years were long enough for me to know how he reacts to different things. I'm doing all this because I'm selfish (and some may see that as weak).

I guess I think being weak is when you can't control yourself but I'm controlling this situation like a puppet show. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. It's when I start feeling comfortable (like tonight) with how well my plan is going when it all starts coming apart.

I should've always been alert and not start to relax and say whatever comes to my mind, thinking that he really likes me anyway. Because he only likes a certain part of myself - the sweet, nice, funny (something that takes careful preparation) part. Today he saw a bit of the clingy and needy part and I hate that. And so does everyone.

His mood can also be responsible for not liking something I said that he would've liked if he had a better day. And I picked up that he wasn't in the best mood tonight and yet I kept saying things that were not helpful to my long-term plan.

Hopefully this wrong turn can be reversed so that 'the plan' is back on track.